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I shouldn't be depressed.
November 20, 2013
8:17 pm
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IJustWonder
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November 20, 2013
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As I am writing this, I would like to inform you that I am only 15 years old and I am going to turn 16 in a couple months. Im a young teenager who should be having the time of her life, right? Well, I am not. No one knows any of this.

When I was about 5, my great grandpa would inapporopriately touch me. He told me that I liked it. I believed him. After this started happening, he died about 2 months later. Even though I was just a little girl, I remember his funeral vividly. I was running around, I was happy, because a human being, someone I am realated to died. Then I ran into my two aunts, they were crying. I told myself even as just a young kid, your family is in grief because you wanted him to die. This is your fault. That's when I started blaming myself. Everything was going to change for the better though because we were moving. Wrong. 

We moved an hour away. I felt normal, no one knew anything, I didn't have to hide. So I didn't. I made friends and I was extremely happy. Then 8th grade hit. I started cutting. Popping pills. Drinking. Anything. I was only in 8th grade. I gained a lot of weight that next summer going into freshman year. I tried killing myself multiple times. Freshman year was looking better. I made a new group of friends and everything was normal. Then summer came bback around. I met a boy. I told him everything, I trusted him. I loved him. He would stop me from cutting or drinking. I completely stopped all substance abuse for a whole summer. Then that relationship was severed when he got physical and tried to rape me. So naturally all my memories came flooding back. Sophomore year just started and I can't stop thinking about it. I have gone back to pill popping and drinking. I have no friends, just guys that try to get with me because they think I sleep around. I have no family, figuratively speaking. My mom, and her whole side of the family call me fat and tell me I need to lose weight and watch what I eat or I won't find a man. My dad's side of the family thinks I am repulsive. I have no one to turn to. 

I keep telling myself to tell someone. Especially my mom. But she wouldn't listen, she wouldn't believe me. She would think I was just trying to get attention like always. What is she going to do anyways, he's dead. I need to move on and forget my past. Naturally I can't do that. So. That is why, I want to die. I can't deal with all these rumors, school work, memories, and life. I can't deal with anything. Now everything that comes my way I just think it's too much to handle and I don't even try. The worst part is. No one suspects I am depressed. I'm known as the bubbly and always happy one at school. And I am considered pretty and popular. No one knows the real me.

And that, is just one reason I am depressed.

November 24, 2013
6:37 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear I shouldn't:

Thank you for sharing all that you did.  I am sorry for how you feel & I am truly sorry that your Mother does not feel you deserve her attention.  I am certain that if you privately go to a counsellor within your school or even contact a support group in the community, you will be able to address your problems in private and get through much of what is bothering you.  The things you described that you do to yourself, cutting & over eating can be controlled, but you must get some professional help with it.  You are probably a very smart girl/woman & you deserve to be truly happy.  Therapy is a great way to get to know the real you & to get better so that you can move forward.  Do not blame yourself for anything that happened in your past.  You cannot undo it or forget it, but you can work through it's pain and get better.  Remember being Fat or being Thin does not have anything to do with the real person you are on the inside.  Hurting yourself by cutting does not solve anything but hide your real pain.  Popping pills is just another way to self medicate your troubles, just like swallowing too much food.  What you have done by sharing your troubles here on this site is one of the best things you could do because writing about your pain is partial therapy.  Now, get the courage to reach out to someone who has the professional credentials to help you through all of your troubles.

It won't be fun or easy, but it will be worth it.

Again, thank you for sharing & write back if you want to.

 

One Day

February 26, 2014
12:37 am
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aaronwebvizards
Costa Mesa, CA
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January 25, 2013
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As your subject line says you shouldn't be depressed at all in your life with all the nonsense things happening around you. Rather i would request you to built some tolerance of the people saying, as those shouldn't matter you much as they hardly know you or have any feel for you. So make yourself strong to withstand all stupidity that you see round you & instead of taking any drastic step like killing self or getting involved in addiction. Better refrain yourself from all these & divert your mind in some sort of creational activity which can truly help you to find a new path & resource in life.

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