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Worried_Dad’s Embassy
October 24, 2009
11:55 am
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StronginHim77
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Armyleo is drunk. Her "cry for help."

- Ma

October 27, 2009
11:06 am
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Worried_Dad
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Physically I am doing well.

My excercise program is keeping me alive. I squatted 320 pounds at the gym last night, which is more than twice my body weight, and I can leg press 420 pounds. If I keep improving at this rate I will soon have the body of an action hero.

Emotionally, I am a wreck.

I keep flashing to sitting on the couch with my beloved while she was chatting and camming with other men on her laptop.

She got mad at me for objecting to that behavior.

Surely that behavior can't be right?

October 27, 2009
11:12 am
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StronginHim77
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We've already talked about this. No. It wasn't right. (Now, you've heard it twice from this olde lady.)

You need to try and "let it go." Have you gotten to a good counselor/therapist for help with this? I am concerned about you focusing so much energy on physical fitness and body appearance, rather than on your own emotional well-being.

You have just exited a toxic relationship, you continue to "second guess" yourself about it...please get some support.

- Ma Strong

October 27, 2009
12:13 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Ma,

The body thing brings routine to my life, let's me turn off my busy brain for an hour, releases natural antidepressants, and if I live through this, provides a health and appearance benefit.

I’ve been talking to a therapist.

She has given me an exercise to manage the PTSD symptoms and I am having some success.

The exercise is to “allow” myself to think about the disturbing things, but in limited doses. For example, I am allowed to think about them from 1 pm to 2 pm, but otherwise, at work I have to leave it alone. And I am not allowed to think about it before bed. The idea is that eventually I won’t need to think about it at all.

I am gaining skill in the exercise and when I am successful it really does improve my mood.

My moment of greatest weakness is when I first wake up in the morning. Which is strange because I have always been a morning person, happy and chatty the moment I get out of bed.

October 27, 2009
12:53 pm
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Hi Army,

I hope you are doing okay.

Time check for anyone who is interested... it is just coming up to 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time (Seattle, west coast) or 1:00 p.m. Eastern Time (Ohio etc.)

No idea when the previous posts dated Oct. 27 were posted.

kronological kroiks

October 27, 2009
1:54 pm
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StronginHim77
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Geez, WD -

Didn't know that you had PTSD. My sons and I had it, following a trauma. My younger son immediately went into therapy with support medication. I delayed therapy, finally seeking same two years later and adding support medication. My oldest son resisted therapy, (only participating in a few, brief sessions).

Today, (6 years later), my younger son is happy and recovered. I am content with my life and finally addressing my eating disorder (something which had always existed, but got triggered by the PTSD, apparently) and my oldest son has reached a point of acknowledging his need for therapy. He just began one month ago.

Sometimes, we need support medication for PTSD. Has your therapist discussed this possibility with you? It can be very beneficial for a season of recovery.

Just don't want you to leave any stone unturned. It sounds as if you are in a good place with your therapist and doing your part to work towards your own recovery. Has he/she ever helped you arrive at a "diagnosis" of your major hurdles/obstacles? I continue to be surprised by my own. Just when I think I have myself all figured out, something deeper comes to the surface.

I think recovery comes in layers, kinda like peeling an onion.

Wishing you the best,

Ma

October 27, 2009
9:47 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Mama,

Yes, I have a major case of PTSD. I am very sick.

And yes, it looks like I am going to need major therapy and probably go on meds if I am going to come out of this with my life in anything but a shambles.

What is saving me is that I do have a long way to fall, I have self-insight and some disciplines, and I do have support. From kind people like you for example.

October 28, 2009
1:28 pm
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: )

Thanks, WD.

Do whatever it takes to achieve wholeness and peace in your soul. It's not an easy road (Heck...I'm STILL on it, six years later), but it's worth it. Life gets happier, less "driven" and more manageable and contented each month. Press ahead.

You have MANY friends here, suppporting you.

- Ma

October 29, 2009
12:17 am
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andii
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There is always tomorrow wd. A new sunrise, a new day, a new beginning. If that beginning involves picking up pieces, do so, and build a new life.

October 29, 2009
8:08 pm
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andii,

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words.

I am aware that my condition is about that I am experiencing pain that is beyond the capacity of my coping mechanisms.

I have survived situations like this before, and if I keep my wits about me I will pull through this one, too.

I know that intellectually, and for about one third of my waking hours, I believe it.

But for two-thirds of my waking hours, I see no future for myself.

I'm gonna try to whittle that down to 50 percent.

October 31, 2009
1:47 am
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armyleo
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Hi Kroika...I'm so glad you stopped by...I pulled up your old thread....had many wonderful memories...

Hi worried dad...I feel like you somedays, pain so deep don't know what to do...but I come home...and don't know how to cope or deal with stuff...so I just sit and have a drink...

November 22, 2009
10:18 pm
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lovinglife
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Hopeinhim~ Is this what you are looking for????

November 22, 2009
10:24 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Ah the Embassy.

Sorry about the dust...Jeez it's freezing in here. Lemme go grab some logs off the back porch so we can have a fire and I'll put a kettle on.

I have tea, and some coffee but sorry, it's instant.

November 22, 2009
10:27 pm
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hopeinhim
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LOL - I get it.

Okay, so I was feeling rebellious about towing the abstinent, dutiful single mother role. I wanted sex, but I did not want the relationship, or so I thought.

November 22, 2009
10:28 pm
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hopeinhim
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So, I posted an ad on CL entitled, "Get laid every morning". My idea was I would have a booty call on the way to or home from work. Keep in mind I had NEVER done anything like this before.

November 22, 2009
10:30 pm
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hopeinhim
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I am in my jammies by the way, and never got dressed all day. So, thanks for the fire.

So, "R" is literally 5 minutes from me. The first time I went to meet him, I was having the time of the month not cooperate with me. He suggested going roller blading, and so we tried to go. My roller blades would not cooperate, so I settled for a bike. I mention this, because instead of starting a sexual/casual sex thing it started us getting to know each other.

November 22, 2009
10:30 pm
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hopeinhim
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What about you WD? What started your horrifying experience?

November 22, 2009
10:32 pm
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hopeinhim
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Well, we did end up having sex about a week later. He was really not confident with me at all, and he confessed that he had been criticized and was not able to please his wife during his previous marriage. He told me about his sexual addiction. That led to talk about experiences.

November 22, 2009
10:34 pm
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hopeinhim
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So, he coaxed me into telling him about the following fantasy:

I am blindfolded in a scenario where men are doing various sexual acts, and I am trying to guess whom among them is my lover. Nothing terribly kinky, and perhaps even common?

So, he starts to egg me on to actually do it. Now, I have never had a 3 some. So, after a lot of back and forth he breaks me down. We post an ad on good ol' craigslist, and I get quite a few replies.

November 22, 2009
10:38 pm
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hopeinhim
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By the way, I met him in early July, and this was probably mid-August.

So, we have numbers, and guys are actually contacting me. We get cold feet Friday just before the weekend. Except, there was one guy who did not have a cell phone. He was only on "r"'s email. So, I asked if he had let him know it was off, and he said no. But, nothing was firm. So, I did not give it another thought.

So, "r" asked if I wanted to try being tied up, and I said sure. I thought it might be fun. He blindfolded me, too.....he came in and out of the room multiple times. He set a back masager on my vagina, and he got very dominating. He called me names, and I had to agree and plead for him to do whatever he wanted. Looking back, what we were lacking was that preliminary discussion, that no, I really did not want a bunch of men coming and having sex with me.

November 22, 2009
10:41 pm
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Hello hopeinhim

The good news in your story is that you only recently met the guy and are not totally enmeshed with him.

Of course you got lots of replies to your ad.

I've gotta tell you, your story has so much correspondence with mine it is giving me the shivers. You are going to be astounded.

Okay so "R" got you into a scene and you were bound. Had you negotiated the other guy or did "R" just spring him on you, or what?

November 22, 2009
10:42 pm
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hopeinhim
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So, then the alcohol part comes in. He all of a sudden has two bottles underneath my nose. One is Kahlua, which I never was crazy about, and one was rum. I drank what was left in a bottle of rum. Again, it was close to 3 shots. But, I ALWAYS was a lightweight, and I always have trouble with "brownouts" even after one drink. So, then things get fuzzy. I drank the rum pretty rapidly as well.

Now, before this he had compared alcohol to his meth habit, and just could not see the seriousness of alcohol. He never has been drunk in his life.

So, then he is going in and out of the bedroom. I think he had sex with me, but would stop and come back, and it was kind of fun. It was a tease. He was so good, that I did not know where he stopped and the other man arrived.

November 22, 2009
10:43 pm
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hopeinhim,

You wrote" Looking back, what we were lacking was that preliminary discussion..."

Yes, in all sexual play, but especially BDSM stuff. detailed prior negotiaion is essential.

November 22, 2009
10:45 pm
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So, all of the sudden I am being given oral sex. I was a little surprised, but it was his voice that asked me. He had never given me oral before, so I did not have anything to compare it to. Then, I remember him asking me if I wanted to get f*@%#d, and I said yes. Now, I would find out later that it was a good half hour, but I only remember the end after that. I was tied on my back, and my hands and legs all were tied stretched to each corner of the bed.

November 22, 2009
10:48 pm
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hopeinhim
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All of a sudden, I realize how much HEAVIER this man is, and "r" takes the blindfold off. I see him standing next to the bed, and I am in complete shock. I notice the smoky smell of pot or cigarettes. I actually grab "r"'s penis, and it is limp. He is not turned on by watching, and I am looking at him as the guy "finishes". Mind you - no condom, and he cums inside me. This all seems to happen pretty fast if I remember right.

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