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Worried_Dad’s Embassy
October 15, 2009
1:16 am
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armyleo
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Hi WD,

I wish I could say something smart and make you feel better...

Unfortunately I am a mess...

but you know what, you experienced happiness, you experienced a soul mate you experienced what it's like to be loved...

I'm sorry she left...but you are lucky for having had the experience in your life...

Please don't do anything rash...You always have good words...

I on the other hand can't learn...I make things worse, and right now I am making things worse, since I don't know how to cope anymore...so it's easy to drown my self and drink...

Well I will hopefully talk to you tomorrow...right now I think I'll spend the night at the embassy...I think you told me once that the embassy was a safe place...

October 16, 2009
3:32 am
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CraigCo
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WD,

You alright?

October 16, 2009
10:32 am
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soofoo
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WD,
You have many potential soul mates. I am certain that there are other people out there that you can connect with even more deeply than this woman.

October 16, 2009
11:14 am
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marypoppins
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WD,

I'm struggling with some similar issues, and I want to put a few questions out there, for both of us. One, I, too, have a personality type that longs for a soulmate and yearns for romance. It's very high on my list. However, I, too, have a history of hanging on to people who can't meet my needs. I believe I do this because I grew up with a rejecting abusive father and an emotionally abusive mom. It's what I'm used to. Even after years of therapy, I still have a hard time walking away when I'm really not getting my needs met. I will question my needs, I will take crumbs, I hang on to hope - sure that this "someone" is going to come around.

If what I crave is intimacy, or so I tell myself, why have I spent so many years with those who can't give it? I must be afraid of it. I've obviously had very little practice with it. When intimacy does appear, I question it. I don't think I know what it is. I find myself grateful to someone who knows my faults and still loves me. I hang on. I disregard healthy boundaries.

All that I know to do right now is build my self up. Maybe then, I can say, "Sorry, I deserve better."

Just some thoughts.

Take care!

Mary

October 16, 2009
11:43 am
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marypoppins
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WD,

Another point I wanted to make is that since we're as healthy as the people we're attracted to, and perhaps we're not as healthy as we'd like to be, the people we want to be with are likely to be "broken", too, in some way. But I think I'm improving, in my health, and in my choices. There has been progress. Please, please, take care of yourself. You walked into the fire with this woman, and you told us all that you'd deal with "reality" later. I'm not going to say, "We told you so." because I'm also guilty of rationalizing what I know isn't best for me.

Mary

Mary

October 16, 2009
12:22 pm
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marypoppins
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WD,

And another,another thing, I think it's okay to be sad and grieve what DID work with the person. It's hard to find someone to connect with, and it's possible for two kind of broken people to love, learn, and grow together. But, they both have to be up for it. I've been with men who will hang on as long as I hang on, while I "pretend" and they allow it. Bitterness grows. Letting go in love is hard to do, but if I don't let go in love and look back in love, I feel as if I wasted time and that I'm a failure. Neither is true.

Mary

October 16, 2009
8:08 pm
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soofoo
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There are no broken people.

I lovingly challenge the idea that anyone is broken. Marypoppins, you are not broken. Your parents could not break you. Whatever they did is not stopping you from living the life you want to live.

You are not guilty of anything. Why hold on so tight to this belief that you are unworthy? Unbelieve these things.

Imagine for one moment that you are already as healthy as you are striving to become and then you are. Your assessment of yourself is the entire problem. Who said that you had to be judged and assessed? Or fixed? Fire that person.

October 16, 2009
11:13 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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It is good to see this thread again though usually I only read and didnt post here. WD, I hope you are doing okay today. I miss the people I used to post with, too, very much. I think of Zinnie often and sometimes just take a glance here to see if she has posted on this side. Take care, okay.

October 18, 2009
2:50 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Tumbleweed,

Yeah, I miss the Zinister, too.

October 18, 2009
3:04 pm
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Worried_Dad
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So the woman finally gets back to me, has a harsh tone, tells me we "get along horribly" and that she has been having affairs.

I dont see how she could say we got along horribly, since we never fought. The reason she finally produced to explain her distancing herself from me was that she had performance anxiety in bed because she thought I was a "sexual wizard" and didn't find her to be an adequate lover.

That is a pretty bizarre reason to terminate a relationship and harden your heart to your closest and best frined of years.

I was flabbergasted.

Anyway she was mean to me through June and July.

By August I had convinced her that the performance anxiety was based on misunderstanding, that it was easy to fix, and she could consider it a thing of the past. So she invited me to come spend a month trying to repair the relationship. At the end of August I flew out and spend three weeks with her.

The first day was great--walks, dinner, shopping, wonderful lovemaking, we stayed in a nice motel.

Next day we drove back to her house and she was cold to me, wouldn;'t even give me a good night kiss. Total turnaround. And she was quickly using her laptop to flirt with guys on a sex site, and chatting and camming with the guy who she was cheating on me with. She did that throughout our visit. One night she chatted and cammed with him for hours, then talked on the phone with him for hours.

I would love to hear comments about that behavior.

October 18, 2009
4:21 pm
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marypoppins
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Okay, WD, my comment is that it's very shitty behavior. But, are you going to put up with it?

In my opinion, we're constantly evaluating and being evaluated. My performance as a university instructor is evaluated, my job as a mom, my role as a friend, etc. - we can't escape it. And all kinds of negotiation goes on as well. We're not bad people, but sometimes, we make poor choices. But we can evolve and change and grow.

We can forgive one another, forgive ourselves, try harder, but we may decide that certain relationships are no longer good for us, for whatever reason.

In your case, it seems this woman is very conflicted. Are you going to fix her? Are her insecurities your problem? Are you going to talk her into better health, into wanting you? No, no, no, and no.

Either you accept her as she is, or you let her go. She's showing you who she is. You deserve to be treated with respect - by yourself, by everyone. It doesn't seem like this woman is showing you the love and respect you deserve. So now, you can show yourself self-love by letting her go, even though it HURTS!!

The more we cling, the worse we end up feeling about ourselves. I can't tell you what's going on in her head or heart, but her behavior is erratic and emotionally abusive. You've tolerated this before from women, but I think you've progressed into better health since then, and you know that not only do you deserve better, but that you're capable of giving better.

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like there will be a lot to grieve - loss of a good friend and a lover. It truly sucks. I know how you feel.

Love,

Mary

October 18, 2009
4:33 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Thanks Mary,

Yes "shitty" would be one word to describe that behavior. "Immature" also works. I think "abusive" really hits it on the head though.

Well, I put up with it for 21 days. Yes I know better. I guess I thought that based on the length and depth of our relationship I could convince her to see reason. Turns out she is not as reasonable a person as I thought she was. People are complicated.

October 18, 2009
5:27 pm
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marypoppins
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WD,

You wanted it to work, and you felt you had evidence it might. You tried. Please don't beat yourself up for trying. She did give you reasons to hope.

Please take care of yourself now, as you would a close friend with a broken heart. Be kind to yourself and know that someone else is out there who can appreciate and love you - someone who is capable of giving you what you want and need, without abuse.

If you can, let this woman go in love, or in resentment and anger, if that's what you feel right now. Wherever you're at is okay.

Please, feel proud of yourself for taking a chance in love and stepping back when it's not good for you.

Mary

October 18, 2009
5:37 pm
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marypoppins
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WD,

I'm trying to let go of someone right now. Maybe not for forever, but for right now. I tried to manipulate the situation to make the relationship go "my way" due to insecurities - mostly that I couldn't handle it if I didn't get what I wanted. But I'm working now on just letting it be and taking care of myself and my daughter. All the mental and emotional gymnastics have yielded only frustration.

I'm telling myself that I'll be okay - no matter what happens. And that if this guy is interested, he'll come around to say so.

Take care!

Mary

October 19, 2009
12:09 am
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marypoppins
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Soofoo,

I agree that the judgemental voice should be fired, that I am not unworthy, and that I can live the life I want to live right now - it's up to me. We may have differing perspectives, but I do realize that your post was meant to be loving and encouraging. I appreciate that you took the time to share your viewpoint. I will continue to think about what you wrote. Thank you for that.

Hope all is well with you and your children.

Mary

October 19, 2009
2:05 pm
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caraway
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WD,

Wow! You have really been through it with her. Trying to look at the "good" here; that goodness you didn't marry her.

Hang in there,

Cary

October 20, 2009
2:16 pm
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StronginHim77
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WD -

Reading all your postings about this woman really made me feel bad for your sake. When I have gotten involved with "toxic" partners, I have (literally) become obsessed with them and with making an impossible, unrewarding relationship WORK. That's what I'm picking up from your heartbreaking postings.

You tried to make it work, even when the handwriting was on the wall. A healthier, more confident man would have flown back home on Day#2 when she started the online nonsense with other men.

The fact that you remained for three, whole weeks of such mistreatment, trying to convince her that things could work out speaks volumes.

I can't remember if you are in therapy or not? But this would certainly be something to dig into. Find out WHY you would be willing to endure 3 weeks of such abuse and complete disregard for your own feelings. I think it is very important for your own emotional well-being.

- Ma Strong

October 20, 2009
7:18 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi, StronginHim,

Yes I am sick and therapy could probably help. I've talked to a therapist who has given me some helpful advice. I don't feel very hopeful though.

As to why I stuck it out for three weeks...

I had invested five years into that relationship, and she was my closest friend.

I just badly wanted things to work out.

October 20, 2009
7:19 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Stronginhim,

I almost forgot--what do you think about her chatting and camming with other guys while I was there?

October 22, 2009
2:17 pm
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StronginHim77
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WD -

She is incapable of intimacy. A woman who would do that -- right under your nose, no less (translation: with a live male who is nuts about her in the next room) has major issues. She wants to be desired, but nothing more. I would suspect she really doesn't like or trust men, at all.

As far as her being your "friend?" Just because you've known someone a long time and theyknow alot about you doesn't make them your FRIEND. A friend is loving, kind, supportive, unselfish, giving, generous-spirited and compassionate. She does not seem to have any of those qualities.

I am truly sorry that you hooked up with such a toxic woman, but maybe great good can come of it. Perhaps this is the catalyst you needed to encourage you to actively pursue your OWN emotional recovery and well-being with a therapist.

- Ma Strong

October 23, 2009
10:31 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Actually Ma, she did it while I was in the same room, sitting on the same sofa as her.

Yes I think she has intimacy issues.

October 24, 2009
4:20 am
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armyleo
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WD I'm glad your posting...

October 24, 2009
4:31 am
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armyleo
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embassy always kept me safe....that is what i need oday

October 24, 2009
4:49 am
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armyleo
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where are you? [lease help

October 24, 2009
11:29 am
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Worried_Dad
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What's going on, armyleo?

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