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Worried Dad, and MJ, please respond from Sew
March 3, 2005
11:01 pm
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GullyFoyle
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I am really sorry. I guess. My paranoia is like tht way. I have explained how i put thigns together. I guess with what happened with my EX/STBX/Roomie, put together with the fact that someone may have been using our stuff, my stuff, without permission, just freaked me out. Being the selfish bastard I am, I didn't consider all the angles. I am afraid that I freaked out others, others who don't think the way I do. Others that found this site a place to be open and honest and a place for them to start healing.

But ya'll are right. The cances that someone will figure it out are slim. The google search was just a thing I noticed. I think that is how I found this site, anyway. Doing a search for codependency. It is an issue. Even I didn't use any protections, so to speak. I am afraid that I have caused people that have become trusting, thanks to this site, to become untrusting again. It would seem that this is the story of my life. A pattern that seems to repeat, even here.

I am sorry. But Mamac, you have a point about some of our friends here. I am so sorry for waht I am putting them through. I have always been relatively open and honest aboutme and what I am about. Though my deepest darkest secrets stay with me. There is only one person that I may have told those too and it wa a long time ago. She probably doesn't remember them, if she is reading this. Hee-hee. (feeble attempt at a laugh) Somethings should only be person to person, to a most trusted friend. Those things I keep to me, since they don't apply to anything of consequence here. This is where I work on my life.

I will stay, also. Because I don't want to leave.

But I am so sorry to be causing trauma to those who have had too much trauma in their lives. I pains me to no end to be the caause, even if inadvertently.

Gully

March 3, 2005
11:30 pm
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GullyFoyle
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Bedtime for me.

I wll check in for a little a few minutes before work.

I am really sorry for the painand anguish and worry that I have caused.

Bully

March 3, 2005
11:57 pm
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GullyFoyle
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oops

Gully

March 4, 2005
12:14 am
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Worried_Dad
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Gully,

Maybe I'm slow, but I'm not seeing that you said anything wrong here. Chill, dude, yer cool.

March 4, 2005
12:36 am
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sewunique
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Geez Gully,

Dear friend, you are so hard on yourself!

Okay, a bit of Sew's way of trying to be upbeat here.

So you mentioned google. But this is the outcome:

1) everyone is more aquitely aware of the purpose of the anonmity of being here.

2) we shall go forward with being more cautious of what we say and how we say things

3) again, good people here have sort of re-bonded

So could you just get out of that slump from all this and get out of that damned pit you're in!

Here buddy, give me your hand.........

March 4, 2005
12:41 am
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sewunique
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okay, for the down side, my spelling and typing is for squat. That is about as down as I will get about myself......thanks to this site and AAC faily.

March 4, 2005
12:42 am
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sewunique
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family* ... geez, that was a freudian.

March 4, 2005
4:37 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((((((GULLY)))))))

Let it go. I know when I caused such a stir here by accident or by my stupidity I felt so bad I almost didn't come back from embarrassment. Don't be a baby like I was. You truly did nothing wrong. Besides, a little excitement stirs the soup and gives it flavor.

Love ya,

March 4, 2005
6:36 am
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GullyFoyle
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Ikay.

I guess one of the main feelings I had was Chagrin and Dismay. If I am using those words right. I just couldn't help feeling for those who are afraid tht someone bad in thieir life may be reading what they posted here.Seen too much pain and misery and I am afraid I feel it way too much. My teachers always warned against being sympathetic, which is something that happens to me a lot. I can be both sympathetic and empathetic. You know what I mena?

When i was a deputy, I was considered a bleeding heart. That was a good thing for me. I like being human. But I changed. The job changed some of us. I have only been feeling things like that again in the last year or so.I guess I am swinging from on extreme to another, trying to find the balance. The good homeostatic balance. I think that would be the term.

That's one of the reasons I bailed when I was studying to be a LCDC and working my way through my psychology studies. Couldn't handle the pain anymore and couldn't handle how close I was coming to certain realizations about myself. That was over 10 years ago. Inside my head, I understand poples pain too well. I know that sounds all egotistical and shit. But That is what I think about myself sometimes.

Yeah, I guess it is a good thing what happened, to a degree. I hate the loss of the honesty and trust, the feeling of lost innocence. I guess I am a little gunshy, too.

Thanks for the kind words and support. I love this site and like so many others, it has helped me tremendously. I just hope that we haven't lost anyone to the fear, or if we have, they they come back. Maybe a little more cautious, yes, but there are still tons of things we can do here.

My few minutes are up. Time to go to work. bah!

I love you all. Thanks.

Gully

March 4, 2005
8:35 am
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mj
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Hope that you feel better today Gully. I am glad you informed us. I had no idea about the search engine. It helps to be able to make informed decisions.

March 4, 2005
10:09 am
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gazelle
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Gully, THANKS. Though I feel pretty safe here.

You sound so like aspects of me.
Being English, I don't know what a LCDC or a bleeding heart or a deputy mean though. But I gather you toughened up 'cos you had to, but partly regret selling out your true insights & tenderness for people.
Plunging into extremes of sympathy / empathy has always been, for me, the most helpless & terrible form of suffering. Though that faculty has its unique, exquisite, all-too-rare joys too. But my hyper-sensitive & powerful emotional imagination and projection of my 'feeling soul' into others' circumstances always got far too intense to be A Good Thing.

I need to turn down my empathy sometimes - esp. where it suffocates or swamps others, or has adverse affects on my own sense of independent (but always lonely) Selfhood.

Ultimately though, I too am glad to be fully human, and ABLE to let myself feel intensely & motivate myself to change & grow, and become better ... ABLE to immerse myself in life both intellectually & emotionally, and engage fully with all kinds of trials & tribulations ... and happy surprises, celebrations and joys!

[oops, sorry. Got carried away there. Gully Foyle just sounded like my "inner young man" or alter ego in different gender, age & circs. Lol. More over-identifying! Slaps own wrist!]

Sew - am I allowed to say that I deeply admire how you seem to go about everything with real engagement, authenticity, openness, sense of proportion, intelligence, common sense, warmth and humanity? ... Oh if only you were a real-life pal here in rainy old England!

OK, ok, I've stopped.

March 5, 2005
10:47 am
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GullyFoyle
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Thanks, MJ and Gazelle.

I do feel safe here, myself. Very comforable. THis is a great place! I have worked on many isses here, ones that I haven't even posted on. So what if someone decides to take my thoughts off the internet. Could be interesting to see what happens if they did. You know, from a legal standpoint. But I don't think that's going to happen.

No, I am okay and I am not going to let it have a "chilling effect" on what i say here. This place has become too important to me.

Gully

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