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Why women don't leave
March 20, 2006
7:17 pm
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Juanita
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MamaC - "Yes, Juanita, it is. Been there. Makes you feel even worse about yourself. And besides the abuser, you are your worse self critic.

How could you not see? It sneaks up on you. It is so subtle at first. You think they love you and they are only doing things or showing you things out of their love for you. They are just trying to help you. Sound familiar? "

Yes, sounds very familiar... have you read the "Abuse?" thread? I'm sure you can relate to much there.

I am thankful to have a place like this to come to, and feel like I am not alone or nuts.

My spouse doesn't like it when I come to this site as he thinks it will lead me away from him....

March 20, 2006
8:17 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Juanita:

A bit insecure is he?? Funny how they don't want you educated. You actually might learn to stand up to him. I'm glad you are here and learning. And one day you will have had enough and you will stand up and walk.... maybe. It's all about you honey. It is about what you want out of life and how you want your life to be. It is all about what you will accept and what you will not accept in the way you are treated, thought about, etc.

I think you are one smart chickie... I just think you don't realize how much power you actually have over your life. But, I've been there before and yes, I do know how you feel. It's especially hard if your family does not support you. Fifteen years later my mom will still make a digging remark about my fault or that she never thought he ever abused me. It hurts, but I have to accept that she wants to be stupid about the whole thing and I've learned to blow her off. She does that w/ my illness too. She also has fibro and will say " I have fibro to and I'm not sick like you are" I just say "count your blessings mom coz one day you may wake up like me". I guess you do toughen up as time goes on.

The shame... I actually had someone walk up and cuss me out for taking that poor man for all he had. I wanted so bad to rebutt w/ he took almost $400,000 and I got $75,000 in bills and a truck that had problems. But, it was not worth it. I just said "so you think" and walked away. Cried all the way home, but then realized that he's been whining on her shoulder so what else would she say. You learn to ignore them. Coz I'm sure whether you know it or not, specially if you are in a small town, that for each that thinks you are bad there are 2 that think you are not. I even had folks walk up to me and say "I'm so glad you are out of that marriage and away from him." And I was left standing there thinkin "you knew?".

And ya know... It's just like Twinks said above.... "F*** what anyone else thinks. You are the one who has to live your life, not them. How can they possibly know anything?" No truer words were ever spoken (although I did away w/ the "F" word lol).

Juanita... you hold your head high and you know in your heart who you are. Let everyone else get to know that wonderful you too. 🙂

March 20, 2006
10:43 pm
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sewunique
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why I did not leave;

for the sake of my grown daughter, my grandchildren, my shih tzu; Murphy Brown, the house I planned and built and decorated to a T and for retirement some day, my friends and my daily life and contacts, my routine, security, lack of admitting failure, fear of poverty loneliness and..

all these came true of my losses.

Also the fear he was right, I could not make it wiothout him, no man would ever want me, no man would be as patient as he has been with me........so far working on all thses things.

The research and statistics are pretty darn right on target. Women; a large number go into poverty, either they cannot keep up the house payments due to being underpaid than the males doing the same job or women have just not been employed in the work force due to child rearing and homemakers, or they loose their homes. After all, we are told to leave the abuser right? How many do and are not strong enough to stay in the home and have the abuser leave? A big proportion this happens to.

My $0.72 worth.

March 20, 2006
10:59 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Sewunique,

Excellent post.

"After all, we are told to leave the abuser right?"

Oh dear.

Actually, Sew, many women are told that they ought to "stay." As best I can tell, that is more the rule than the exception.

I would not incautiously advise any victim to just up and "leave" especially when legalities like property and children are involved. Instead, I would want women to know that "separation" might be advisable, but with appropriate cautions.

I am developing a clearer picture of you all the time. I think you maybe "stayed" for all the right reasons. And it cost you dearly.

March 20, 2006
11:01 pm
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Zinnie
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Juanita,

Of course your spouse is not liking you coming here - I mean, isn't this the first place you were able to really talk about what all he was about? What he wanted to do? What he wanted you to do? And... then, I'm sure to his disappointment, all of us "circus of depression folks" as he called us didn't say "oh, well gee Juanita! You have such a great man there, see he doesn't even mind if you have a boyfriend!" Instead you were met with support of "he wants what? what do you want?" and of course the really scary thing to a man like him "Juanita, you ARE strong enough, and good enough and you know what? Maybe, just maybe too good for him!"

Z.

March 21, 2006
8:31 am
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Juanita
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Sew~

All of those were your losses, but I have a question...

Was it worth it to be away from the abuse?

They say freedom & independence are priceless. Your thoughts?

I'm hoping you tell me it was worth it.

March 21, 2006
8:50 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hey Juanita:

How are you doin today?

March 21, 2006
12:30 pm
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garfield9547
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mamac

I only saw now that you ask for the n site.

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSI.....pages.msnw

On the left hand side you will go down until you get to

ELLIE'S STORY

When you click on it and go back you will see under this all the stories.

Whidbey has posted a thread yesterday on the support side on Ellie's journals.

I never knew there is a book I can buy
tha Ellie wrote.

(((Garfield)))

March 21, 2006
1:07 pm
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Juanita
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MamaC,

I have a counselor appt tonight.

Hubby called @ lunch to schedule his giving me a nice backrub tonight.

such timing.

I'm really having trouble weighing all this out b/c he usually is good to me, but has said & done personally stupid & disrespectful stuff to me to. (did you read the Abuse? thread)

I have to go - at work....
hopefully more later if I have time.

Thank you for thinking of me.

March 21, 2006
8:46 pm
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Zinnie
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Sew,

I have thought about your questions regarding your daughter, and why she is feeling this way towards you. One question I do have as I don't recall off-hand is this your husbands daughter by blood or a step-daughter?

The reason she might feel "abandoned" and even sticking up for your ex-husband are two fold, or really even more like mult-facted.

For one, you found some photos of her that were inappropriate that he had taken of her - that much I do remember. I don't recall if she was under 18 or not at the time of the photos but I do recall your distress over finding them. Although, she says that "nothing inappropriate" happened, from what you have said they were 1. either very inappropriate, or 2. in the very least taken in bad taste. Part of her not wanting to admit to any of this might be denial on her part, she does not want to admit to the event happening. There is also the other thought that perhaps by you finding the photos she feels responsible somehow for your decision to divorce.

Perhaps her avoidance is the only way at this point in time that she feels she can deal with the situation. The guilt of being molested for many is the very reason they do not come forward. If your daughter is feeling this way - she might someday have to realize what happened and actually have to deal with it. Hopefully, if she has any contact with her Father, and he is around her children, that day will come sooner rather than later - before he attempts something with them. Or - she might choose to stick her head in the sand and continue to let the denial rule her life and think of you as the "bad guy" for disrupting what in her mind (fantasy) was the perfect life.

Have you ever thought of it this way before?

Z.

March 24, 2006
5:10 pm
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Juanita
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hey MamaC,

you were kind enough to check on me on this thread a few days back, just wanted to let you know I'm posting on "Abuse?" thread.

thank you for your kind thoughts & they are returned to you.

my time on the computer is very limited, so I try to do what I can.

hope all is well your way.

Juanita

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