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When do coincidences stop being coincidences and start being 'something else'?
July 4, 2007
2:53 pm
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red blonde
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This is what my therapist said to me, after she had said: "I used to believe a coicident was just that - a coincident! But when do coincidences stop being coincidences and start BEING something else? This is what FRIGHTENS me about you, **Red**!"

I stopped seeing her shortly after the above conversation. I had started seeing her shortly after divorce proceeding with my second husband and had seen her for about almost a year. Then I did not see her two or more years, then started to see her for therapy again for almost another year. It was near the end of the second session that she stated the above.

July 4, 2007
2:58 pm
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What do you think she meant by this??

July 4, 2007
3:13 pm
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red blonde
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She didn't really MEAN anything by it, this is what she FELT after I started talking about some things and what she FELT was 'FEAR'. Not because I had 'threatened' her in any way...physically, emotionally, or verbally, etc. She just saw too many coincidences that had happened and were happening and, perhaps, some unexplainable 'phenomena', that happens around me. I know I am being very vague.

July 4, 2007
3:40 pm
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red blonde
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I don't think she was talking about 'magical thinking' at that time. I don't think therapists are prone to 'magical thinking' - Perhaps I do not know the meaning of 'magical thinking'. Isn't that looking for signs, symbols and portents?

July 4, 2007
3:43 pm
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red blonde-

It is unfortunate that your therapist failed to establish boundaries and/or explain herself clearly enough. Her fear is her issue. She may be one of those people who cannot handle that kind of conversation, and I'm not sure all of them have actually heard everything (we don't know what they are exposed at the point in their career when we meet them). But one thing is disappointing and that is that she didn't have the level of professionalism that puts the focus on her client instead of herself. It would be different if she were a layperson saying that. I guess all therapists have different styles. My last one talked A LOT about her personal life. The one I have now, rarely does- when she does it is very helpful though. Or it is just the small talk we have at the beginning of the session about pets, etc. If your therapist doesn't like your spiritual beliefs, that should have been kept to herself. She can still address your problems as a professional.

It would have been interesting to see what she would have said if you continued to see her and if she heard you out on these matters. Sometimes when we are talking to people who don't understand us, things become clearer to both them and US!

Perhaps what she meant by seeing too many coincidences was that she doesn't believe in coincidences. Maybe she was afraid if you saw things in those terms, you wouldn't want to see your own strengths and you wouldn't want to see the patterns in these things. Somethings (obviously like your violent assault/rape) cannot be foreseen and avoided. But maybe she was worried about the ones that can be avoided and that you wouldn't see the options you had in life. Or maybe she wanted you to see how things connect- like your mother telling your lover all these lies and the consequences of that- NOT COINCIDENTAL. Am I completely off base here? I don't know the context well enough, so you weren't talking about what happened to you or about your mother when this came up? Because from the outside it seems like a lot of these things that happened to you ARE related and maybe not a coinidence per se, but definitely strung together in a complex way. I don't know how that's scary for your therapist to talk about. Perhaps she should have found different words. It sounds like she didn't know you yet and sometimes when that is the case people underestimate others. Maybe she was trying to get a feel for where you were at at this stage but got put off because of her own limitation with your point of view.

Are you thinking about the grad scheme of things and why those bad things happened and that there really was no way to predict or prevent it?

July 4, 2007
4:17 pm
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red blonde
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Ella ~

I went because I was having a hard time with: 1) the divorce; 2) a 10 year recurring nightmare that was TOO real; 3) not having dealt with my first series of flashbacks of the physical abuse by my mother, which had been triggered by my 1st husband's battering of me.

There had not been a problem with her 'fear' at that time.

I experienced another horrifying trauma in the 2 some years I hadn't seen her. I had been 'threatened' and forced into stopping the therapy for those years. When I went back to her to continue therapy, I was relating all that I had experienced in those two years plus I was having flashbacks about my mother's sexual abuse of me, which had been triggered by events around the trauma and the sexual- don't know how to say this- confusion? -abhorance? -that the person who caused the trauma created for me? I still don't understand the difference between - he/shes? - transvestites? - transexuals?

July 4, 2007
4:24 pm
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red blonde
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I believe I had also 'started' remembering things about the night of the rape and my mother trying to kill me the second set of therapy sessions with her. But I was dealing with the 2nd trauma and the flashbacks. Oh, while I was in therapy the first year, my husband and I put the divorce on 'hold' but then a couple of months into therapy, he got furious one night over a stupid thing, beat the crap out of me and then tried to choke me. (I will go into that some other time)

July 4, 2007
5:59 pm
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Oh, I didn't mean that therapists are prone to magical thinking, I meant that a therapist might be "afraid" to see a person view their lives in that way- and I was saying I thought maybe your therapist didn't understand what you were saying about the coincidences. If she didn't like the way you viewed things, she should have explained herself better.

Were you talking about spiritual perspective with your therapist? Or something outside secular understanding? What is an example of the "coincidences" that you speak of? You mean when you are thinking of the flashbacks... because I think I know what you mean sort of... but for me I think of them as elements that string together but have missing peices...

Your mother's abuse and your ex husband's violence may not be unrelated. We unconsciously seek out company that reflects what we are used to, and we don't even notice whne things start to go bad. I bet your ex shares qualities with your mother or father that don't seem like they directly relate to violence, but are connected somehow. Even if he didn't seem like that kind of guy when you met him, most likely he had personality elements that made you feel comfortable, like you knew him... (tell me if I'm dead wrong) and that you guys were meant for each other. It's when you get together, things progress to these states, people sometimes then take others for granted let their guard down and maybe the abusive person loses control and gets violent for example. I don't know. Just what I've experienced.

July 4, 2007
6:24 pm
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redblonde-

Who was the trasexual or transvestite? What happened?

July 4, 2007
6:34 pm
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red blonde
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God, I wish I knew how to explain things. Everything gets so complicated and so long and drawn out! Ella, I have been trying to avoid telling too much because like on the Support side...even though that other thread was not directed at me...it sure felt like it was...because in it were snipets of what people said on my thread...like 'sweeping it under the rug'. I was not wallowing in my pain, actually not stuck in my past, though I was trying to get over the guilt/shame thing connected to it, and I was not trying to seek attention...only looking for advice and suggestions about how NOT to feel the guilt etc. anymore.

First thing that she said to me- when I was trying to understand my reaction to someone's sexual whatever, his being a he/she, cross dresser, transvestite, or transexual, because it was totally confusing to me and had frightened me and disgusted me - was: 'How did you KNOW three years ago to pick me as your therapist to talk to me about a specialty therapy I had JUST gotten into to get over your fear and the sexual 'trauma' that this person just recently put you through?' This was really more of a curiosity on her part at that time.

July 4, 2007
6:54 pm
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red blonde
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OKAY - the he/she 'whatever'. I met this man through friends after the beating/choking..and had gotten a temporary restaining order and restarted divorce proceedings. He was from a southwestern state and was in town every two weeks. I was told by others and also by him, that he was the owner of this I-beam manufacturing company. He wined and dined me, we would see eachother when he got in town, called me when he wasn't. Would get an adjoining room at the hotel that he stayed at, spent money lavishly, and never once pushed me to be sexual with him. Which was okay with me at the time.
One evening, I was waiting for him for us to go to dinner in the hotel, he sent me down ahead of time, saying he had some business to take care of and that he would be down shortly. I waited, then I realized that I had forgotten my purse, I went back to my room - keycarded in - looked around - thought I left it in his room - went through the adjoining doors and walked into something that I wasn't supposed to see. Suitcases of stacks of money.

From then on, he threatened my life, threatened the lives of any one I cared about. And more or less kept me a 'prisoner' until I had the courage actually happenchance to get in touch with the Feds and work with them to get him caught.

It was during this time that his - he/she?, transexual?, crossdresser?, whatever came out, since he didn't have any 'fear' of me...I guess.

I am just trying to describe or explain...sorry that I am so wordy!

July 4, 2007
7:03 pm
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red blonde
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Wish I had had a cell phone but this was the late 80's and early 90's and they only had those BIG bulky ones that looked like army walkie-talkies.

July 4, 2007
7:30 pm
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red blonde
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One day I am going to write a book about all of this....and perhaps my life...but this is NOT the reason why I am seeking help through therapy and through this site. I'd be in therapy for YEARS! I am just trying to integrate things, what seems like two different 'lives', together. And not doing a very good job of it right now.

I feel like I am totally 'different' than others...like a freak of nature or something...like I don't 'belong' anywhere.

Should I tell you other things about 'me', my appearance, what I have acheived in my life, my personality traits, abilities, talents, gifts? So that you can get a clearer picture of me, what makes me 'different'?

July 4, 2007
7:31 pm
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Red Blonde-

Why did your therapist associate the transvestite issue with you finding her? Why did she make it about her? Or perhaps what she meant was "did someone advise you that I would be good at working with these issues?" Maybe she was wondering if another client sent you to her. Perhaps another client had another similar issue and she was trying to figure if you knew each other. When I have been looking for doctors online, their specialties are listed so people know who to go to- ex: depression, eating disorder, grief, sexual abuse, gay & lesbian, etc... some doctors have strengths in certain areas and want to let people know this, same with therapists maybe?

What happened with the money- that happened with my ex who was selling drugs... bigs wads of money and a soda case full of heroin. What more evidence did I need? What a wake up call. I kind of think "Where was my head before that?" Well, when you have half the neighborhood lying for your bf and you work 12 hour shifts, it's hard to always know what's going on... things weren't as clear as they seem now. Can you relate?

I'm sad that you feel the way you do after what happened this weekend. I wish I would have handled it better, but I know how you felt. You, on the other hand, expressed yourself fine without losing it. So I hope you can continue to share on AAC and get support without feeling inhibited.

Is working on your issues "wallowing," I don't think so. Working on them, struggling to sort things out- means you are trying to move on- the very essence of which is contradictory to wallowing. I only know what you posted here, but I don't see you that way knowing you are looking at some pretty difficult stuff head on.

July 4, 2007
7:34 pm
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You spoke about phenomena and God issues on the other side. Are you talking about fate and things like that?

July 4, 2007
7:52 pm
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red blonde
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Ella ~

He was one of the major drug distributors for one of the major cartels for the very large city that where I lived in one of its suburbs. He never had any of the 'product' as he called it, near him at any time. Even the money was not near him all the time he was in town. He was there as an 'overseer' of the operation. Where he was from, there had been many 'government' people that were on the payroll - local, state and even federal - of the the cartel and they did alot of distributing to other cities around the nation from there.

July 4, 2007
7:58 pm
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red blonde
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Yep, sure am!

July 4, 2007
8:10 pm
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wow. That must have been scary. Hard to get away from guys like that and not feel like they are gonna come after you. Especially since he had a "secret" you knew about (cross dressing) in addition to the crime.

My sister is a few blocks away so I'm gonna sign off for a bit. Hope you get yourself a nice dinner or do something enjoyable tonight.

Just think how strong you are to get to where you are now, from where you were... if you can do that... just think what's possible.

We'll talk soon.

hugs,
ella

July 4, 2007
8:14 pm
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Oh, and of course I would love for us to get to know each other here... as I'm sure others would like to know you better too. Write more and others will read, and I will read it tonight. But remember your anonymity here, and don't give away more than you are comfortable, especially if you are writing a lot at once. Just a tip. I've done that. Go slow so you can feel out your comfort levels here.

July 4, 2007
8:15 pm
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red blonde
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A just recent "coincident".

In November, my xbf who I threw out last year, bought a house with the woman he met last July which they closed on end of January this year (another coincidence I will get into later) Well, his gf has been pushing him to get married. Last week, I come through the door to hear his best friend from college leaving a message on MY answering machine about how he lost his cell phone and didn't have x's cell phone number in his address or phone book, asked him to get in touch with him and then ends the message with 'oh, by the way, congratulations on your up and coming nuptials next week!'

My friends didn't mention his getting married to me because they weren't sure of how I would react or if it would upset me. SO, was his call a 'coincidence' or was it more like a Higher Power saying 'you need to know this!'

July 4, 2007
8:15 pm
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ps I think I might be thinking two separate people in your story are one? Correct me if I was wrong.

July 4, 2007
8:21 pm
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red blonde
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Stuff like that are an everyday, sometimes a couple times a day, normal occurance around me. HAS been that way most of my life...except for my 'blocked memory times'.

And that is just a part of it!

July 4, 2007
8:22 pm
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red blonde
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When I was talking about the phone message last week....YES

July 4, 2007
8:27 pm
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red blonde
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or did you mean the beating and choking....and the restraining order....that was all my second husband. The 'whatever' distributor I met him after the RO and the restarting of divorce proceedings against my husband.

July 4, 2007
9:05 pm
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red blonde
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The reason that the - I'll refer to as the 'he/sheDD' - DD for "drug distributor" didn't kill me at that time was because he had become aware of one of my 'abilities' or 'gifts' and thought it would or could be used to his benefit.

When I started college, my dad had contacted Duke University which was doing research on parapsychology. I became one of the research subjects.
I am still tested from time to time though Duke - (and it is now Rhine Research Center)- no longer does the all the testing and has turned it over to another institute. The Rhine Research Center recently completed their research designs and a grant is pending - on charge accumulation and electromagnetic emissions of bio-energy healers. And they are currently conducting experiments on 'Implicit Psi' - in which psi effcts are noted with no intention to produce these effects. When Duke first started its research, it was funded by the government because they wanted to keep up with Soviet research, especially on remote viewing.

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