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What works for you when you want something you cannot have in life?
July 29, 2008
5:25 pm
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truthBtold
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((((((((ELLA))))))))

Here's a big ole cyber hug just for you sweetheart!!!!!

Hey girlfriend, if we lived close by - I would definently want another single, childless (obvioulsy intelligent and sensitive) woman to hang out with myself!

To be sure.

(Know what - I don't think that I am alone here, either.)

(FYI, I had to have a radical hysterectomy in my 20's because of cancer (not able to give birth) and I am now 48.)

Do you know what I think MIGHT be at the bottom of it all?

Maybe?

Avoidance of feeling full-force - I mean to tell ya - damn near take your breath away feelings of disappointment.

At least, that has been my experience.

For me, I have avoided "going there" for so long - (envied all of the folks I knew that had children)that one day, I just let 'er rip (proclaimed UNCLE) and just FELT it.

Felt the disappointment of it all in all of its glory.

Know what?

It's OK.

I'm OK.

You're OK too!

Feelings of awful and profound disappointment didn't break me.

Won't break you either.

In fact, (after all of the emotional dust finally settled) it kind of released me - in a screwy kind of way......

Don't think for a minute that some folks with kids think about the single folks they know with a bit of envy as well and say - gee - look at the absolute freedom that single person has - you know?

Not all. But some, I suspect.

For me, I just KNEW in my bones that I was not fit for motherhood.

NOT BECAUSE I am not a good person or anything - but because I just KNEW that I did not have the emotional wherewithall and stability to pass on.

It just simply was not there!!!!!

I did not want to pass on ignorance.

It was not anything negative about myself, just simply, my own (after a long time of soul searching)limitations.

So, that's my story.

So, when you ask: "What works for you when you want something you cannot have in your life?"

I have to say that that question must be met in part, with very critical thinking skills.

Maybe - NOT SO MUCH about the particular STRINGENT circumstances which we feel we are kind of hell-bent in obtaining for ourselves....but - digging a little deeper - asking ourselves: "What is it in my life that I want to FEEL which I think I would be gaining IF a particular set of circumstances might afford me - you know?"

Getting some critical thinking about our underlying and innermost feelings.

(Am I making sense here? Sometimes I tend to rattle on.....)

Not so much on WHAT we want...rather than HOW we think "getting it" will make us FEEL. THAT'S the real motivation.

That's the REAL BOTTOM-LINE, I think!!!!!!

For me, re-sizing that whole(limiting) scenerio and giving myself just a little more freedom and lead way to not think in a black/white circumstantial situation really does open the door to realizing that my most INNER DESIRES may not be so far-fetched and hopeless afterall.

You know?

Looking at and embracing what it is we TRULY desire can be made actual with critical thinking.

And that there are other options available to that end.

(Not to try and avoid or dismiss the "disappointment phase" I spoke about earlier either.)

Just takes some practice is all and it never hurts to appreciate not only what we have, (great grounding barometer to take al ittle time out to honor that when the feelings warrant) but what we DID have and our now regretting to a certain extent as all that does, I'm thinking - is to just bring us closer to realizing what is really, TRULY important!!!!!!!!

(Funny how it kind of works like that - you know? Process of elimination and all.)

Life is not without hope, ella.

Please do know this in your heart.

Just takes a little navigating on our part to really get down to the nitty-gritty HEART of the matter - via critical thinking and realizing that there are OTHER WAYS to meet that burning desire.

Ways that are right now - a little out of our current grasp and comprehension, but ARE THERE nonetheless.

(Hows about THAT for an oxymoran for ya?)

Hang in there, babe.

((((ELLA))))

July 29, 2008
5:35 pm
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PS - I forgot to add that I thought free's experience in the court room was nothing short of stellar!!!!!!

Rare is the time when you can make a whole roomful of people come to a screeching halt with mouths gaped wide open upon hearing such truth.

THAT'S the thing that memorable movie scenes throughout the ages are made of....(to spread the news....)

This site and the folks here are absolutely awesome!!!!!!

July 30, 2008
1:41 am
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(((truthbtold)))-

When it comes to the family thing, I guess I feel I am missing out on having the company and the warmth that a family provides. They are not all perfect, granted, but that goes without saying. I just can't imagine going into my future without people close to me to laugh with, cry with, and just spend time with. There's a possibility that I'll have friends, but I can't guarantee that.

I dont' believe what I am feeling bad about is so unreasonable. Obviously a lot of people want the same thing. It bugs me because even when I go to therapy I get the sense that I am being judged as "wrong" for being upset and feeling deprived of these things in life. I'm not different from anyone else, it's just that some people don't have that to complain about... they just got lucky.

So don't worry... I let myself feel it, because no one else seems to understand. Not even my therapist. I'm feeling more and more alone and like if I talk to people about the things I am upset over I will be judged as "selfish" or unreasonable because that seems to be what people are saying. Like my issues are stupid.

Okay, maybe I'd be a terrible mother. Does that mean that I don't have a right to express that I feel bad that I didn't get the chance? I'm just supposed to accept that I have this illness instead of what would have been a much better trade off. Honestly, I don't see anything that could replace loving people around you. Not that a family is a guarantee of that, but remember- I'm talking about what I want in life and do not have. Friends would be nice too. I don't believe there is another way.

So I feel my feelings. Yes, I do. I am angry. Very angry. It's getting harder and harder as time goes by.

I hope my new therapist is a miracle worker. Maybe I'm especially down because I had therapy tonight and I don't feel validated. I'm feeling worse than ever, weepy and stuff. Very self destructive, but being that I am a good girl now I will just shower and go to bed.

Thank you for writing. Maybe we could talk some more sometime about all this.

love,
ella

July 31, 2008
3:16 pm
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Dang tbt thanks for saying I did something "stellar"- I wish I could take credit, I think it was the anti anxiety drugs though lol.

Hi ella-

I know I have three beautiful kids and I couldn't imagine something every happening to them. I just wish I would have made different decisions. There was a point when I graduated a University that I had the world in my hands and I made choices that led to divorce and 2 unfulfilling marriages and all the crap that goes with that. For whatever reason I had no self-esteem, had no clue about boundaries, was convinced I'd never marry.

Not just that. But I blew it in High School too. becuase of no self esteem. I was pretty, smart, athletic. But never excelled the way I could have kuz I was convinced I was ugly, stupid, and fat.

the passing of my youth is most difficult for me. I'm just figuring things out- I want my youthful fit body back but can't really work out like I used to kuz I have all the middle aged stuff that goes with a middle aged body- nerve issues in my feet, calcific tendonitis in my shoulders, that kind of thing. And I smoke so that's catching up with me. I wish I would have never started THAT stupid habit.

On one hand I want to go back and re-do things from about the 9th grade on. I fear that desire just might get me re-incarnated back to this plane and that scares the hell out of me. I hate this plane. Not just because of human suffering although that should be enough.

Everybody and everything sufferes immensely and I hate it. We have to consume other living things to maintain this existence and I hate it. I hear people say "isn't nature beautiful" and no- it's not to me. It's VIOLENT and I find that friggin ugly.

I thought being vegetarian was the answer at one point, but they've done studies and plants move away from fire and supposedly they "feel"

I hate not knowing what happens when we die. I can't seem to get this across to people. People who think they know for certain, simply DON'T.

I know that was a rant- I try not to focus on my disgust of this existence as it just gets me depressed and or angry.

I try to focus on the good things in it- but they're hard to find quite frankly. And when I DO focus, like I have the past few minutes or so, it puts me in a really shitty mood.
hugs ella!

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July 31, 2008
5:30 pm
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((((ella)))

I hope that your new therapist will truly be "in your corner."

That's key, I think.

I've had many therapists over the years and I found that it is really hard sometimes to find a good one!

Therapists are people too and I believe that they can only take you as far as they have gone themselves in their own personal struggles and eventual triumphs, you know?

I found that many tried to nudge me towards a forgiveness stage way too early.

Expressing anger STILL gets a bad rap, in my opinion.

I know that I have pretty much sworn off of buying anymore self-help books, but I just ordered a used copy (via amazon) of "Women, Anger & Depression" by Lois P Frankel, Phd this afternoon.

Personally, I have been waffling between "positive" books like Louis Hay's: "You Can Heal Your Life" which talk about affirmations and changing your thinking patterns and all yada, yada, yada, which I am sure have merit (in time) but right now, for me, I feel that there is STILL alot of unresolved and repressed anger in my life which I have only BEGUN to recognize, explore and eventually come to terms with.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, sure do hope Ella that your new therapist is much more "evolved" in the anger arena and is not afraid of it - but sees it as a powerful catalyst for change.

Anger STILL gets such a bad rap - you know?

But is just like any other emotion.

I guess the slippery slope of this is to realize when feeling anger and outrage is beneficial to our own growth versus when it becomes...after awhile - kind of a crutch and non-beneficial to our growth.

Hey, is you (or anyone else for that matter) figures out the difference, will you be sure to let me know?

I am still struggling with that one myself!

Anger is just the messenger. Maybe once we get its message COMPLETELY -and experience it FULLY - maybe we would just naturally want to move on simply out of eventual boredom of it - you know?

In any event, once again, hope you find your new therapist validating and helpful.

(And remember - you are not only "the patient" - by cracky - you are also "the customer" too!!!!)

(((free)))

The passing of youth, my word, I am going through the same thing myself.

I see myself in the mirror and think: This can't be right!

I kind of get what you are saying about the vegetarian thing.

My ex-husband was a hunter.

He used to tell me that one of the reasons he appreciated the opportunity to hunt so much was because it was a very humbling experience. That he knew that in shooting a deer that that deer was giving up its life to feed him.

But also that the white-tailed deer population had no natural enemies or predators to keep the population in a healthy check and that hunting helped to keep it in balance, otherwise the population would multiply and become mal-nourished and sickly.

It is true what you say about plants having feelings. There is a book popular many years ago (1973): "The Secret Life of Plants" by Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird.

I mention this only because it brings to heart, in my mind, the symbiotic relationship ALL LIFE is dependent upon....to which we as humans are only part of that massive equasion.

(Other books along these lines that spring to mind is the "Gaia" by James Lovelock)

Grappling with these sort of ideas that you are talking about just brings me back to re-examining "the basics."

"The basics" that we are taught in elementary school.

Like math for example.

And how it is conflicting with biology if you really stop to think about it.

In math, we learn that "mutiplication" is derived from say, 2 times 2 of something equals four.

But in biology, when the sperm fertilizes the egg...that "multiplication" of cells happens upon "division" of that ONE initial cell.

Know what I mean?

To my mind - have to be a little mindful not to ever confuse "the map" (math) with the actual "territory" (biology.)

Geez, I didn't mean to get into all of this deep stuff.

I just think that we don't need to feel bad or guilty as humans to "consume" other living things in order to live ourselves...its just a natural process that has been around forever - - - but rather should maybe be a little more mindful (and perhaps even humble) and appreciative of this whole natural cycle that we are no doubtedly a part of.

I think that many Native Americans "get this."

Perhaps the real bottom line is NOT SO MUCH about consuming other living things in order for our own survival to sustain and prosper as human beings....but rather it is the indifferent, cavalier attitude towards it which maybe the culprit.

And has one survivor of the Holocaust once said, the opposite of love is not hate.....the opposite of love is indifference.

I think that if we live our lives absent of indifference, really, really mindful of our own thoughts and appreciation - then maybe we can see ourselves in participating in this incredible experience we call "Life."

That nothing ever, really dies...it just transforms, is all.

(I am reminded of examples of organ donorship - where a person whom was an organ donor dies and the recipient that receives their organ actually has a "cellular memory" about the donor...etc....)

I think that Roseann Barr really nailed it when she said: "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.....we are spritual beings having a human experience."

We are just ALL CONNECTED (plant, mineral, animal)

Anyway. Enough of my own rant here............

tBt

August 1, 2008
1:15 am
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Free,

Hello. Funny, I don't know when I'd redo my life from- I know it got very difficult for me as a child around 12-13, but as far as making the wrong decisions... I think after I got out of college. Although I do give myself credit for the things that I did well. But, I do feel like I sacrificed some of what I gained during my 20's.

There were some bad habits and self destructive times, but what I regret is that I didn't pick up the pieces enough and get back to the healthier life I was living before. I know it sounds stupid, but I can't get back to exercising or doing art. Maybe it's because of my job, but still... I don't like that this is where I am now... I'm working on it, though.

There is a lot of suffering in life, this is true. It's hard to see the gamut of have's and have nots and wonder what random chance ended those on the most difficult ends of that... I don't have to give you examples, but there are so many. I don't get it. It somehow doesn't help to think "well I"m somewhere in the middle at least... my life can't be all bad." That line of thinking doesn't help. I guess the buddhists have the big questions built into their philosophy and lifestyle, but I can't concieve of it. Nor can I abide by the "everything happens for a reason" camp. Well, only to a degree. What about the folks in Nazi Germany's death camps, or those being raped and killed by Janjaweed in Darfur? Yeah right, just tell them... it's all part of God's big plan folks! Don't get down about your circumtance, maybe it's your Karma! Everything happen's for a reason!

I don't know what to think.

Sorry if this thread put you in a worse mood... this is one of the problems I have, I don't know who to talk to about anything. It's human condition stuff that bugs everyone. So the really deep people get it and are upset by it, and those that aren't, well... I can't relate to that and they can't understand why you would be upset about all that much in life anyway. Who are these pod people????

-ella

August 1, 2008
1:37 am
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tbt-

It's true what you say about anger being the messanger.

Although the thing that I am having problem with, and therapy is not helping, is that my anger is at things that I cannot change. So I was hoping that my therapist could be a part of my search to learn acceptance, but no. Actually, I feel as if she is blocking me. She is pushing me to try and try and change situations that are not realistic, which has two unfortunate effects:

1) this leaves me feeling guilty and inadequate, like it (everything in life that makes me unhappy) is all a direct result of my doings or lack of effort.

2) that things are doable or attainable that aren't, and thus if I end up thinking that way I will never learn to accept the dissappointments and tragedies of human existance... actually, I think I'm healthier than that... that's not a deluded state I want to work towards.

Also, I feel like my therapist doesn't want to hear the things I am talking about because of her own issues. Yes, I realize they are human beings, but... such is their profession. And when I talk in therapy I am not indelicate, I AM however honest about what I am feeling and why I am down. When I talk to my sister or a friend, I would be more wary or understanding if they were not comfortable talking about certain topics as they were upset by them as well. But I am not paying them. Who then do I turn to? Maybe when I go to my next therapist I should ask her what her personal issues are and what is off limits. What she finds too boring, challenging or just plain not interesting enough to talk about in her sessions. I mean really. Otherwise, I'm not going to go anymore.

I might want to wait and go when I am in the throughs of crisis, and absolutely suicidal. That is when therapists feel at the top of their game. Old therapists drop you (you are a "failure") new therapists take you on. You are a fixer-upper for them, it's all uphill from there once someone tries to kill themselves, right? Unless they do it again.

I'm sorry, I"m just feeling alienated and alone and crappy. Like a real loser, even though I know this isn't true I feel like it's my station in life as far as the rest of the world is concerned. It's fueling my "[email protected]@k the world" attitude.

-ella

August 1, 2008
2:17 am
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i can't find people to talk this out with either.

Examples:

This humpback whale is attacked by killer whales in the Santa barbara Channel and she tries to save her baby by pushing it up against a whale watching boat filled with kids on a field trip. Eventually the killer whales killed the baby, ate it's tounge and left the rest. Supposedly this was a training exercise by the Orca's for their young in hunting. And everybody's concerned about the trauma inflicted upon these kids by witnessing this. HELLO! Has anybody thought about what that momma whale was feeling? Or, umm. maybe the baby who was targeted to be killed and endured this training exercise for hours? And then- I'm venting to my best friend and husband about it and one says "isn't nature amazing?" and the other says "yip, survival of the fittest at it's best" as if this is a GOOD thing.

Nature. It's a shitty design- that survival of the fittest thing. I'm not impressed. One bit.

nah, doesn't put me in a worse mood, just brings to light how much I despise this existence.

But. I feel I've got to make the best of it and the reason why is mainly fear of what might happen if I don't.

Sometimes ella, I think I'm in hell. I mean really. Actually. I've looked for definitions- "away from, without God", "a state of loss and sadness", on and on.

And they ALL define THIS plane ella.

Now I hope I'm not puting you in a bad mood.

hugs

free

August 1, 2008
2:39 am
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and ella~

I don't think you're issues are selfish or anything else negative.

I think what you want from life is more than a fair request.

free

August 1, 2008
3:45 am
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Hi, Ella.

Hang in there Kiddo! Like Scarlet says in Gone With the Wind, "tomorrow is a whole new day.

Our feelings tell us how concerned we should be with what is happening in our lives. For instance big anger tells us that "I am not getting some important need met."

However, thoughts, not feelings, tell us more about how the situation came about and the choices we have in meeting our challenge.

Then our thoughts help us design a behavioural response, like shouting or discussing or getting up and leaving, etc. And generally the more thought we put into this process the more effective our behavioural response. For instance, it takes time to think through a little speech that is both persuasive and compelling to the other party.

Our normal strategy seems to be to feel the feeling even harder so that we can try the same ineffective response again, "but this time with real feeling." Result: if nothing changes, nothing changes. That behaviour did not work last time, so why should it work this time?

One really good way to think things through is to keep a feelings journal. Record your feelings and any thoughts which pop into your head. Stay alert for thoughts which give you insights into how the situation is being held in place and anything you might be able to do change things for the better.

This sort of thinking can lead us to creating new responses that now and again suddenly transform our feelings of being stuck into exciting new possibilities.

Expressing our feelings in stronger and stronger ways, because the other person still does not understand how I really feel, is like putting your foot harder down on the accelerator. Thinking things through can be like releasing the handbrake.

Lotsaluv and trust yourself to work your way through this.

August 1, 2008
1:13 pm
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free-

"I think what you want from life is more than a fair request."

Why is what I want from life more than a fair request? I"m not talking about changing the world. Part of the conversation was that we were speaking about how disgusted by life's vast cruelties- but I don't have any illusions about changing that. I only want what so many, not a minority, but most people- have. I'm only asking for what most other people want and have. What is so unfair about wanting family, friends, and companionship (maybe the last one is a tall order... but a lot of people do want it and get it so it's not unreasonable to ask of life). What makes everyone that has these things so much more goddamn worthy?

-ella

August 1, 2008
1:24 pm
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Wizard-

Hey I used to keep a journal. NOw I write here. HOnestly, I don't have energy or time for both. I have to choose.

Sometimes when I keep a journal it just intensifies what I am feeling until I want to scream.

I just found out there is some screw up at work (a combined effort between me an my boss) and I'm working on this crap on my day off... oh well I haven't had time to myself for two weeks, need to clean my house etc. It's b.s. I have to do for the beauracracy, not my immediate location... I resent those bastards though I like my location. I needed this day and now I'm doing work. Shit. Part my fault but I'm upset, so now I have to get back to that crap.

It's dumb and petty but, I'm tired and stressed, and I'm just in a bitchy mood about that. Different from my usual dark moods, this will pass.

thanks,
ella

August 1, 2008
2:46 pm
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My sister just called me. She wanted to go to the movies or go swimming. I had to turn her down due to the circumstances. Besides, I told her, I'm feeling horrible and I don't want to be around people today. She just insisted that I might change my mind. She's all bubbly and oblivious, probably got some attention from some man or had a good date- that's what does it for her. She was like "Oh call me if you change your mind!" As if I didn't just say I felt awful. Then she said "Or I'll call you to see if you have." I know her patterns. Then I'm supposed to sit for hours and listen to her go on and on about HER shit. I wouldn't mind except she doesn't do it for me or anyone else. I mean I WISH I had friends coming to me like I used to, but my friends were much nicer people than my sister... even troubled as they were. After being ignored as if I didn't just say I feel bad, (I don't always say that so... don't give her the credit of thinking "Oh ella just wears people out" I like to have a good time... I just am having a shit week and day. It would be nice if someone gave a damn, but you can't ask for that, either they do or they don't. So I said "Don't call me unless you have changed and feel like being supportive." I'm sick of her just being around for a good time and nothing else. I know I should accept her limitations, and be happy with that, it's better than nothing, etc. ... but honestly, sometimes having certain people around makes you lonelier than having no one. But she's the only family I have besides my parents. I hate the way I'm feeling. But I really want to scream and I'm stuck here doing the fNg laundry and take home bullshit stuff from the job.

Tomorrow is another day maybe, but it's just more of the same shit.

August 1, 2008
3:26 pm
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Okay, I really need someone to talk to. I"m thinking of calling a hotline, but I know they must deal with more urgent matters so I don't want to be a burden and then I will even feel worse. I just have no warmth in my life right now. I wish I had people to offer my affections, my caring and my attention to. I really don't understand why the few people in my life do not have room in their hearts to do that for me. The closest I come is listing to my sister talk about her dates (not my favorite thing, because I am lonely and not dating, but I love her so I do it because that's what she wants... I do my end, that's all I can control right? Well I'm sick of it.

It sounds so juvenile, but I understand when people feel like no one would notice if they disappeared. I feel the same way. If I didn't need my health insurance from my job, I would take a leave and do just that with out telling anyone. I'm fucking angry. People might need you to do work for them, but they don't care who you are or what might get you down or even make you happy. I'm fed up. I want to know people, but they always disappoint me. I sound like a 12 year old today, but I"m very upset and down and feel like shit.

I'll be a good girl and not do anything stupid. God forbid I miss work, or inconvenience anyone else. That's why suicide is a sin, because those that have it okay need their little minions to carry on like everything is hunky dory. Don't want to upset the apple cart or having people ask for things we don't feel like giving them. Like just a little kindness. I would call my therapist, but I get the feeling she can't be bothered.

I feel like cutting myself.

August 1, 2008
3:37 pm
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Forget this site. It better serves people with man problems than with other issues. I don't know why I didn't quit sooner.

August 1, 2008
4:09 pm
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I try to realize that there must be a good reason and that there is something 10 x's better out there!

But also, maybe I'm not ready for it, so I plan and believe. Just because I don't have it, does not mean I won't have it later on! 🙂

August 1, 2008
6:21 pm
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oh ella, I worded that incorrectly!
"more than a fair request" is a phrase to mean not only fair but should be granted.

I'm so sorry you thought I was saying you were wanting more than your fair share. Kuz what you want, you should have as a birthright. IMO

I didn't read the last two posts, wanted to respond to this one right away.

hugs

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August 1, 2008
6:30 pm
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ella!

I would miss you. I sure hope you didn't leave this site. I've always looked forward to your posts and have learned a great deal from you.

Call a hotline, I used to work one for a rape crisis center, and caller's aren't burdens, even at 3, 4, and 5 a.m. These callers are the reason we volunteered to work the hotlines.

there hav ebeen many times I wanted to just up and fly to a small udnerdeveloped village in mexico. Maybe we can meet in on some day ella.

That would be fun.

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August 1, 2008
6:33 pm
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ella?

August 1, 2008
6:36 pm
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on my way-

That is a good attitude... I just wish I had that kind of hope.

Thank you for the smile.

August 1, 2008
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(((((((mzrella)))))) glad it made you smile. :0)

You know, it is a weird thing that is happening with me right now, but I kind of like it, because when I master it, it will make such a difference in my life. But everyone can do it. Let me share it with you here.

This is it:

Lately, I have noticed that I am such a victim to my life! I am a victim to my emotions, my circumstances sometimes as well. There are some things in my life that I want to gain control over, so that they do not have control over me. When they control me, I am less than what I could be. For example, I DECIDED not to get angry over certain matters in my life. Once I DECIDED not to do that, I felt better. It was a CHOICE I made. It felt absolutely GREAT!! I still falter at times, but actively deciding not to do something that would harm me, and then others, felt so good. IT felt like a step forward. Since then, I have realized how much of a victim I am, and I am finding that I really do not like that quality in myself. So I am being more aware of what I am 'led around' by, so that I can actively take part and make a change.

August 1, 2008
6:49 pm
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Free-

I'm working on re-writing my response IE just crashed when I was submitting and erased everything... yes, I cut and pasted, but still lost it. I can't win to lose.

August 1, 2008
6:55 pm
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oh I hate it when that happens too!!!!

August 1, 2008
7:00 pm
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Free-

Hi.

My last response said everything I needed to say and then it got wiped out!!!

MY computer is gonna end up out the window, I swear, I'm sick of this crap.

Anyway, thank you for writing back. Please don't attribute my frustration in all the comments I wrote to what you said! I just

didn't understand! Please, you've given me more consideration than people in my off-line life just by responding here and I am

grateful for that. Sometimes I feel like the site can't come close to meeting my needs, like it did when I was having man trouble

when I first came here. More people can relate to that. YOu know what I mean? Not that it's easy to go through that stuff, but

it's something concrete at least that people can talk about more easily. I need more.

It would be great to hang out in "real life!" I'm not the voice of doom all the time! In person I am much more fun than on aac... this is just where I come when I am hurting a lot, and I guess there's no where else for me out here. That's why I don't get it. I should have friends. I'm not the type of person that shouldn't have friends. I have a lot of interests and have a good sense of humor (believe it or not, even when I am depressed) I LOVE to laugh and make people laugh. I am not mean. What's up? I hate this loneliness.

-e

August 1, 2008
7:35 pm
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on my way,

Thank you for writing. I'm glad all that worked out for you, but I'm not sure you know me at all. Please allow me to explain and do not take offense.

Naturally, I don't think you were implying anything personal about me... only what works for you, but I have to say a few things in regards to the victim thing. I've been trying my whole life to rise above everything that poses an obstacle to me. In fact, one thing I"m not modest about is saying how damn hard I've tried and persevered. There have been unfortunate things, but I don't call myself a "victim," however I do express when I am having trouble or hurting. There is a difference.

It is my opinion that a person cannot help their feelings, only what they do with them. My life has been exemplary in consideration of what I've had to face and the expectations for me were much lower than what I have achieved. I'm hardly a victim, and never chose to be. I try, I persevere ... doesn't mean I am happy. But better off than if I didn't .

No, I feel pretty adamantly that a person cannot help their feelings any more than they can help getting a migraine. And nobody wants a migraine. No one CHOOSES that. That is some damaging thinking.

Trb may have mentioned- there are some real good reasons for us to have feelings. We need to address them. Not that they are our choosing, but that they draw our attention to things... not always things we can change, but maybe things we need to be wary of and maybe we can be kinder to ourselves.

Truly, I cannot abide by a way of thinking that says that people decide to be miserable. I don't believe that for a hot minute. Sometimes people do things that lead them to misery, sure. Some us do misguided things. I'll accept that. But choose to be angry, sad, or hopeless? Well, I can only speak for myself and say I never did, never will and I fight it every minute... often in vain.

There is a prevailing way of thought, promoted by the self-help INDUSTRY that says everything is FIXABLE. This is bullshit. There is such a thing as the human condition. Not that we are victims, but there is a natural order of things and it sucks for the individual sometimes, it's painful (see Free's posts above). Things break down. People die. We hurt. We get lonely. Stop seeing those existential realities and you stop coping with them in a meaningful way. This is the American way- the individual can triumph over all, you can do it, there's a solution to every problem. It's the bullshit of a capitalistic society and I'm not buying it. I'm sure with globalism it has spread, and that's unfortunate. I want to learn how to deal with my pain, not pretend it's not there. It is. And it's real.

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