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What works for you when you want something you cannot have in life?
July 27, 2008
12:29 pm
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July 27, 2008
12:44 pm
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razor
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What works for me...

After MUCH stomping and cursing and whining......I decide I want something else.

I read this somewhere "the only way to stop the pain is to become a different person"

July 27, 2008
1:44 pm
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You can say "its ok, I'm probably still not going to be that happy even if I get it. Look at him or her, they have it and they're still not happpy. I'll be ok. Plus, no one gets everything they want in life"

But then, what is it you want that much? a person or a thing? A person I'll guess? Imagine its been 3 years with them and now you want them out of your life. Thats the way it usually happens.

So you're probably not going to be any happier than you are right now, how's that, did I guess correctly?

July 27, 2008
1:54 pm
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I am learning to trust that God has a BETTER way...a BETTER path for my overall good. To me, it's all about trusting Him.

- Ma Strong

July 27, 2008
3:07 pm
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Hi ella

For material things I want, I decide if it's realistic (a lamborghini is not, for me) and then make a plan to get it. This has worked extremely well for me as I've gotten pretty much every thing I want materialistically.

For things like a happy marriage where I love to snuggle with my husband (ugh for me, always has been), a decent ex husband who's a good dad, I get sad if I think about it, so I try not to. I try to think about all the things I DO have, healthy smart kids, a good career, the opportunity to go LOOK for that man if I really want to.

Does this work for me? To a certain extent.

I was testifying once against my ex husband about his stalking and abuse and the prosecutor asked how I was able to complete grad school, start a career, and be active in my kids schools if his stalking was really that serious.

And I'd been taking some xanax, an anti anxiety drug so the truth kind of blurted out and surprised everybody in the court room, including myself.

The defense objected (dunno why) but the judge said "over ruled, I want to hear this answer" and looked right at me. I don't remember my exact words, but this is close:

I told him that I couldn't stop my ex husband, I had tried, so the way I saw it was that I could be miserable in a situation that I couldn't control, stay in poverty, stay emotionally distraught. Or, I could build a new life DESPITE the awful things my ex was doing and saying. And I chose the latter. I told him I know it's hard for anybody to understand how I've lived this way for the past few years, but to me it's hard to understand how there was anyway I couldn't. This opportunity has come to change things, and I'm here trying to do that, but the opportunity wasn't there before. So I chose to give my all to bulding a productive life and a safe home for myself and my kids despite what everybody else sees as horrifying, and I've come to see as normal.

the judge's mouth was gaping and he was leaning forward. The whole courtroom was silent and staring with cocked heads, even the prosecutor. It was so weird ella. But their impression has stayed with me kuz I really don't know where this answer came from, but I guess it's really true.

Know what I mean? This is our life...

hugs and hugs and hugs

free

July 28, 2008
1:08 am
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razor-

Being another person is one thing I can never have. I imagine I can become an improved person of myself, which I have been doing, but I am still in pain.

July 28, 2008
1:29 am
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I started to answer these replies and my internet explorer crashed.

I'm a little pissed about that, I lost a lot of time answering, and I'm tired right now. I want to answer, but can't. Typical.

Really, if I could afford cocaine I might consider it for an energy boost. I'm sick of this shit.

July 28, 2008
1:47 am
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aw, sick of what, the internet explorer? yea, it sucks. I've lost so many things because of these software bugs too. I have a habit now, if I write something long, I press CTRL-INS to copy it before i hit submit. IF its really long, i copy it to notepad. Its funny but all these years they couldnt fix this and prevent the agony a lot of people have all the time.

July 28, 2008
1:54 am
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Realizing the true nature of the source of the pain as opposed to superficial appearances is a good start. 'Not having this particular person in my life' is an example of a superficial appearance of the cause of the 'pain of unrequited love'. The hidden cause goes much deeper than that.

The 'Abandonment Vs Codependency' Thread might possibly contain some pointers in the right direction for you.

Or you might try BevDee's reference to an abandonment issues web site by clicking on the link:

Abandonment Web Site

You might get something from the insights of John Bradshaw on nurturing the inner child'. See below for a URL that might possibly help:

John Bradshaw

July 28, 2008
1:58 am
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Oops!

The Bradshaw link failed. I'll try again:

John Bradshaw

July 28, 2008
3:53 am
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Actually ella cocaine is pretty cheap these days due to the advent of methamphetamine.

I like Monster energy drinks and sudafed.

I just wish I could give you what you wanted kuz I know- I feel this way often as well.

I feel I've wasted my life.

I feel I don't belong.

I feel like I'm trapped in this existence that I neither asked for nor bargained for. and don't like. Not one bit. Especially the physical consumption of one another as a means of maintaining this existence.

And I want out.

But.......

we're here, ella, and we gotta make the best of it.

Who is it you wish you could be?

hugs and hugs and hugs

free

July 28, 2008
1:16 pm
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Twice a week I get an inspirational message on my computer. Below is the message I received today, Monday:

The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want.

And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself.

And the only way to know yourself, is to be yourself.

And the only way to be yourself, is to listen to your heart.

Just thought I'd share that. Or you can always go with what the Rolling Stones wrote.

Hep

July 28, 2008
6:38 pm
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(((Hepburn))), that's awesome, I love it. It's soooooo simple, and sooooooo true!!!!!

July 28, 2008
10:32 pm
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guest guest-

I'm sorry, but it just happened again.

The cocaine thing was a joke, but I ALWAYS cut and paste long posts. The problem is, my computer didn't save what I cut before I could paste it both times.

Honestly, I'm on the verge of tears. I'm just so fucking exhausted all the goddamn time. This is just upsetting because I never even have time or energy to seek relief for how crappy I feel. It's the whole "stop the world I want to get off" feeling. My computer is kind of my lifeline at these moments because I can email people I don't get to see too often and/or come here. When it craps out, I freak out. I put a lot of energy, time and money into maintaining this piece of junk. I can't buy another one right now.

Some of what I want is time and energy (don't we all?). I think that would make everything easier. But I am having a bout with either depression or some mild immunity issue… maybe something as minor as fighting summer colds off. My energy level is so minimal, I’m having trouble making it to work in the morning.

I do not want particular persons or things. Although I would like some new friends. I have no support system either so I am considering going back to some program or other (pick one, any one). My “new beginning” was about six years ago and I figured it’d be hard, but not this lonely, and not this lonely for so long. I took for granted the great pleasures of having people to talk to on the phone, watch tv with, eat with and things a lot of people think are mundane. Now I long for those things. There are a lot of ways to make friends, I’m working on it. But true friendships are built gradually, and this is just a period where I have to wait it out. Doesn’t make me want company any less. I’ve had enless conversations and posts about it. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing or not doing. It’s just a matter of time. Meanwhile, everything is an effort and I’m quite unhappy. I keep doing what I need to do, but I want more. Maybe that is a sign of improving health, I don’t know. It’s not just about keeping my nose clean and showing up, there is actually some more difficult work to do.

July 28, 2008
10:51 pm
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Look around with an open mind at whatever else may be on offer. It is amazing what you sometimes can see that you did not even see before because you were so obsessed by the forbidden fruit.

Create an attitude of gratitude. Keep a list of all the things that you do have in your life which in fact give you great joy. Take the time to enjoy them to the full.

Remind yourself that you are not what you are thinking; you are in fact thinking what you are thinking. Try to energise the bit of yourself that realises that you can think about something else or indeed change your mind about an obsessive idea.

"Happiness is having a choice." Find two things that you could do and then choose between them. Three choices equals even more happiness!

Add a rider to your prayer: "God, I really want xxx; (or something better)." Sometimes God wants to give us something better than what we want for ourselves.

One legend has it that when we die, St Peter takes us into this huge warehouse that is absolutely chokkablock full of really cool stuff. St Peter takes us on a tour showing us all the stuff that God wanted us to have. The only problem is that we were too busy obsessing about something else for us to receive God's gift. So there it sits in this huge warehouse.

If all else fails, try the Serenity Prayer.

Best wishes on your journey. I am sure you will rise to meet this challenge to your serenity.

July 28, 2008
10:53 pm
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Free!

Hi. Thank you for the much needed hugs, and for sharing your story of remarkable strength and resilence. It's one of the reasons I come here, to find out how other people tapped into these resources within themselves and just done the best, or better than expected, with difficult circumstances. It takes getting to know the site, because we share so much of our pain here too, so some of the successes only can be seen over a period of time. We've both been on here a few years, no? I remember finding a post of mine from four years ago! This site brought me help when I couldn't get it, or enough of it, anywhere else.

Actually, right now, I wish I had hope. I wish I could feel positive about getting friends, sometime in the future a man, and all that... but I don't. I won't ever have a family. It's just not in the cards. It scares me to death to think I will go into old age as lonely as I am now. And I'm HATING the passage of time and my youth... I really am not going gracefully into middle age.

There's know way I can know the effort that goes into parenting, the trials and tribulations, but one thing I know is that I never stood a chance at being one. That is another thing I'm dealing with right now. Even now, I’m not sure I'd be fit. I can barely take care of my self and my dog. But it hurts. There is a huge baby boom where I live and they are every where, babies and moms to be. I also work with children. At work, I can deal with it. On my own time, it actually hurts. In an irrational way, it makes me angry. I want there to be more people like me. More single, childless women to hang out with... (and someday men to date) … but everyone is too busy making or enjoying their new families to make new friends. I can’t tell you how many “almost” friends I have, those that “almost” make plans… but have to spend time (understandably) with their families. I get it, but it hurts. It’s just the age I’m at. Still, I’m working at a lot of ways to meet new people and trying not to be too pessimistic that it soils the possibilities. Also, I have to remember not to be too desperate that I make poor choices and repeat old patterns. It’s hard, you know?

lots of hugs,
ella

July 28, 2008
11:02 pm
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Tez-

Oh, I definitely agree with that. Well, actually, I'm hurting over more than just a person. But, I do have coda issues big time so that stuff applies as well. But in this case I wasn't speaking only about a guy. I'm talking about a lot of missing pieces, I guess.

I guess now that I've made a modicum (not tons) of progress, I can see where a lot more of the wreckage and the wholes are than I did before. A lot of it is not my doing, it is sickness and childhood stuff... but some is. I've been working on the some that is, and continue to do so. I guess I'm more angry now than I ever was too...

In the past I didn’t ask why any of the crap went the crappy way it did, I just listened to the explanations of others and felt like that was enough. Well, at least on the surface I did. I also had more spiritual strength and faith… I have knowledge, experience, and coping skills that help now… but in my opinion… that’s not enough. You need to have some faith…. Which leads me to answer Ma Strong’s post.

Thank you for those resources, I’ll look into that link.

-ella

July 28, 2008
11:31 pm
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Ma Strong-

Your post brings up one of the issues that necessitated me to post on the libs side. It’s hard for me to sum up in a post my spiritual issues, if you can call what I’m trying to describe that. I’m no atheist, but like a lot of people, my faith has been challenged and my beliefs make me a misfit in my own church. But let’s just say that for lack of better words, I am in a spiritual crisis. (see my post to Tez above). This has not always been the case. It is something I am working on. In the past I have had exchanges with Free about my intentions to return to church (it will be Unitarian for me this time), so maybe that will help. But for now, I need just to get my house in order- literally and figuratively in the short run.

Belief in a higher power once got me out of some scary stuff. I have more of my wits about me now, so I think it’s almost a kind of spiritual laziness if you will. Like, “okay, I’m not gonna die from being in a funk, so why should I nurture my spiritual beliefs by going to church, practicing them, reading, meditating about them… etc?” Kind of like getting something on credit, and then not paying the bills. On the flipside, all the healing I DID get should, make me feel even more sure about my HP. So why am I not paying the bills and honoring the deal? Bad metaphor, but you know what I mean? Maybe I’m being a spoiled brat on one level. My beliefs are always there, but my faith just isn’t. But then I haven’t done much to keep it alive. I think spirituality needs nurturing. It needs to be in the company of like minds. Not to mention, being in that place spiritually keeps you real. It doesn’t make you a better person, but it makes you want to be, so you work at it. I need that again. There is no such thing as instant spiritual fulfillment right? I’m sure you can tell me a lot of ways that you work at nurturing the faith you have inside: reading scripture, going to church, meeting with groups of people you know from there… am I right? I have lost any of that, that is my fault.

So I can see how your spirituality might help you there. Is that what you mean? I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but you did make me think about that aspect of my own life and it is yet another hole. I have spoken of this recently on line here.

On support side I’d never ask or this, but feel free to contribute to me here, anything you believe. That is why I posted on libs. It is when I am on support side that I’m not in a receptive “place” for that… I don’t know… I just can’t think that way when I need to go there. Anyway, if you or anyone can tell me good things to read or provide them, that is appreciated. I am being open. Thanks, I appreciate your response.

-ella

July 28, 2008
11:50 pm
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Free-

That was just a very unfunny joke about the coke because I’m tired. Actually, after I got clean I used to be a big vitamin water drinker (green tea variety). I LOVED it and it gave me a dirty urine when I was in drug treatment!!! I had no idea that stuff had something besides caffeine in it. But my counselor told me to stay away from it. I did. But I was a huge coffee drinker until New Year’s. That was a resolution of mine. Boy do I miss it.

Thank you for wishing well for me. In a different life we could hang out and have a (decaf) cup of coffee and that would make my day! But it helps to have my thread responded to in a caring way.

Do you feel like you wasted your life too? Or just parts of it? You have those children… I know that can’t always be a cake walk even in the easiest of circumstances, but I’d bet you wouldn’t trade them for the world. But I know that feeling too. Like I want entire decades back. That’s something I can’t have. I hope desperately that the ones coming up are better.

I know you meant something deeper than this, but even eating is getting to be a source of displeasure for me. And guilt. And consumerism.

Weird things, I can’t feel joy from after my dark mind attacks the experience. The other day I held a baby kitten that was absolutely beautiful. It made me happy for the rest of the day, until I found out later on that it’s owner adopted it to replace a cat that got run over (a cat I was familiar with). I felt like crying, but I was at work and I didn’t want to make the girl feel bad who told me. (She saw it happen). Now, I told that to my mother and she said “Well, that’s why things die. So new life can happen.” Just like that. Me, I just said “bullsh**!” I was just upset.

I can’t rationalize any of the world atrocities by saying “everything happens for a reason” and I can’t even look at my life and my petty seeming problems and feel better about it in comparison. What I feel is just awful about having feelings about my own life. And, I know there should be some balance, some perspective, rather than just guilt… so I do things that should help that, when I can, but it’s a bottomless pit.

(See my reply to Ma Strong. Maybe that’s why I’m such a mess about the big picture).

What you said is true, this is our life. Personally, I believe we only get one like it. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, back to the infinite. I want to do the best with the one I have, and I never know if I am or not.

I don’t know if there’s anyone I want to be. I want ME to be happier. That is for sure. Sometimes I think it is too late for so many things. Sometimes I KNOW it is too late for others and I just have to learn acceptance. Right now there are some walls (not only one) between me and acceptance. I’ve got to break those down, or I will NEVER have peace of mind. I only wish I knew how.

Love,
ella

July 28, 2008
11:54 pm
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Hepburn-

LOL. I loved your post. The last line made me laugh.

I will cut and paste it on my desktop.

-ella

July 28, 2008
11:59 pm
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Wizard-

It's not that I really want the forbidden fruit. I see the things I want as things that are part of a normal healthy life.

"One legend has it that when we die, St Peter takes us into this huge warehouse that is absolutely chokkablock full of really cool stuff. St Peter takes us on a tour showing us all the stuff that God wanted us to have. The only problem is that we were too busy obsessing about something else for us to receive God's gift. So there it sits in this huge warehouse." Wow, I love that. I never heard it before. It's great, but in a way chilling. Yeah, I'm worried about wasting time worring already! Thank you for giving me a great story to help explain this to my therapist!

Serenity prayer, well, yeah. I guess I could dust that off and take it down from the shelf.

hugs,
ella

July 29, 2008
1:17 am
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Sorry Ella. By "forbidden fruit" I was thinking of something that we cannot have, not something that is inherently sinful. I certainly was not casting any aspersions on your character.

Take care of you. I know this stuff is much easier to talk about than do!

Lotsaluv from DownUnder.

July 29, 2008
2:00 am
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Hi Wizard.

Oh. Ok. I get it. Maybe I need to educate myself on that matter. Interesting.

Thanks for the clarification.

July 29, 2008
12:43 pm
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Two Words...

Heavy....Drinking!

July 29, 2008
3:53 pm
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Oh ella and Giggles,
You're welcome. It's all so simple but at the same time NOT. Know what I mean? ha

Peace.

Hep.

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