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What is your handful of nuts?
July 21, 2008
4:17 pm
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a handful of nuts? Shoot, I think I've a friggn dumptruck full of'em parked in front of every door of my house.

And the escape is where?

free

July 21, 2008
4:17 pm
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or maybe I should ask how.

July 21, 2008
8:48 pm
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WizardofAus
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I think the escape is to let go of the desire for the nuts.

One definition of addiction is that we develop a belief that "if I cannot have the self-harming object my adiction (alcohol, work, snacking, relationship, anything as long as it is harmful to me, I cannot survive." So we use the harmful thing in order to survive; how is that for a definition of insanity?

So we need to explore how we believe that the survival thing is working in us and then find a safer non-harmful way of satisfying that need within us. Then we can let go of the harmful "drug".

However, sometimes we have to give up the harmful thing first so that we can regain our sanity and see things clearly enough to deal with the underlying need.

I think the key insight is that my desire is creating my pain. I do not have to wait for the rest of the world to change, for instance by falling in love with the perfect partner. The solution is all within me, once I have removed the toxin from my system.

Thems are my thoughts. Have a wonderful day.

July 21, 2008
11:29 pm
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Hi WizardofAus,

Well you certainly have brought some interesting material here.

But It feels like you are keeping your distance on the material--it's abstract, and academic, references previous work and asks for people here to answer a "question."

It would help me better understand what you are getting at, feel more grounded in the conversation and able to contribute if you, as the originator of the thread, would personalize it, "buy in" emotionally tell us some about your personal answer to the the "question."

Could you hum a few bars?

July 22, 2008
2:12 am
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WizardofAus
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Fair comment, WD.

What is my handful of nuts?

I am currently in the middle of a family court battle. It is extremely stressful. I do not know if it is connected but I also appear to have cancer.

The only way I can see forward at the moment is to die. Instead, I am just hanging in there living one day at a time, feeling as if I am getting absolutely nowhere.

I could just walk away from the court battle and give her what she is asking for. At the moment, I am not willing to do that. I am choosing to hang in there and hope that something will come out of left field and get me out of this mess.

The point I see in what I have written above is that I have a choice. Painful desire or pain-free abandonment of the thing I am chasing.

Hope this helps you "to better understnd what I am getting at."

You pays your money and you takes your ride.

All the best in your quest.

July 22, 2008
2:32 am
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Alice-

Congratulations on the weight loss! That is a great achievement! YOu must feel (and look) fantastic! I bet you are absolutely radiant since that. You will be my shining star! I would like very much to lose 20-30 depending on when aunt flo visits. My water changes a lot because I am not exercising. When I do, it is more of a stable weight. Not as much water retention. Everything is more regular, including my moods, which should motivate me.

Your schedule and living arrangement sounds a lot like mine, so I will look to you for encouragement and think about what you said. It's true about our bodies being a blessing, out of shape or not... I used to love being able to challenge myself. I need to look at it that way and not worry about the superficial results of it all. That's just icing on the cake. Focusing on what the body can do, and being grateful for it, that IS truly a better perspective to approach it with. I'm so glad you wrote. Maybe we can write on one of the other threads about this sometime. I think there are one or more going.

Yes, it is amazing how I find it so much easier to be nicer to other people than I do myself. But the scary thing is, there is this undercurrent of rage/sadness that I must attend to before I do put it in places it doesn't belong. Being kind to myself would help.

Wizard, this thread rocks!!! It's taking us all kinds of places.

It's about a better way if I am to put it poorly, no?

I like that. I spend a lot of time talking about what I did wrong, what's plaguing me, but ... it helps to put the focus on what I can do about it if anything, and even if I can't, where can I go from here. Maybe all you get out of some painful experiences is a lesson. But isn't that valuable? Can't it be a life saver in a sense?

I wish my path was a straight and narrow, but I wouldn't have come back here and seen this thread if it was. I need this. I need to think about focusing somewhere where I can seek a healthier place... I've hit a plateau... I need to move on before I sink again.

NOw I have to deal with these powerful and painful feelings. And you hit the nail on the head when you said:

"my desire is causing me pain." Buddist? Or nearly.

That is key. What a tough nut to crack.

Thanks to everyone here for today's light.

-ella

July 22, 2008
3:01 am
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Wizard,

Just read your last post.

HOnestly, I like that you were philosophical with the beginning of the thread. It's been a while since I've been around, I am not familiar with your story, I am sorry about your illness. How long have you known? Forgive me if I've missed something, or sounded clueless.

You opened up much conversation here, I don't know if it was what you intended. Thank you for sharing, is this the first time you've posted about the cancer?

And the court case.

So where have you arrived? Are you still searching? Is that why you started this post? It's a good one.. about looking for the next step... you can apply it to a lot of different lives.

Sometimes, dealing with the pain can be worth it. It depends on what you desire. If it was a custody battle for example (I'm just putting this out there, I don't know what your court case is) and you only had a little energy and time in the week to see your kids... it might be worth the pain... how can you measure such a thing? But if you were talking about the pain of unnecessary drama, staying addicted, staying with an abusive mate, well... maybe not worth the pain of the thing you desire. Maybe everything deserves it's own consideration... Some pain is worth it because you are gaining something positive. Somethings are a gamble, and what you are trying for would be worth it... and not trying, well would be the worst thing of all.

-ella

July 22, 2008
3:20 am
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Thanks Ella.

I have only just heard about the cancer. To be honest, I am not that fussed about dying. I believe that I am a spiritual being having a human experience on the material plane and if it's time to return to the ether then so be it.

No, my biggest hassle at the moment is how inadequate I feel to deal with living. I feel like everything I trusted has just abandoned and betrayed me.

The reason I want to fight the court case is so that my son will have an inheritance. He is the most beautiful being in my universe and I dearly want him to have a good life after I am gone.

Apart from that, I am just scoping my horizon looking for any sign of hope. Any thoughts that I am in control of my future are just a joke. I am just hanging around waiting for a change to come from who knows where.

That could be why my posts have been going a bit abstract of late. The concrete stuff is a bit too painful. I even have this feeling that my loved ones who have passed are trying to help me. Now for a hard headed rational scientist like me that is pretty strange stuff. Amazing what you do when you are desparate enough. (lol)

July 22, 2008
8:45 am
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Mz,

We are here to help one another. Many days, I am down and out and someone here will post something and it helps me to redefine my mood or my take on a given situation. Weight is a very hard issue for me. Anyone whose read many of my posts knows that I have battled my body all my life. I have gone from one extreme to another and back again. My issues with my appearance (especially my body shape and size) are deeply rooted in my childhood, but it is only in the last year that I have learned that that was my childhood which was not in my control. I am now an adult and able to change my environment and myself for the better. It seems so simple in print, but the true change in me came not from the 42 pounds but from finally accepting myself just as I was. The weight loss was part of me learning that I deserve wonderful things. I feel so warm and fuzzy inside that many people have told me it also shows on the outside. I like that. It's like an advertisement for my progress. It is the thing about the past year that I am most proud. Oh yeah I wouldn't be humand if I didn't love walking into a room and people noticing me because of the weight loss and seeing the the boyfriend who dumped me for a skinny girl because he said he was embarassed to be seen in public with "someone my size" cringe when I enter a staff meeting. I hope that there is never a day when I stop growing or trying to be a better me and a better human being. We have the power to impact the world around us by just being ourselves and giving of ourselves freely and truly.

Thank you for your kind words. I find them very encouraging. I have truly enjoyed this conversation...

Wiz,

Oh Wiz dear, I am so sorry to hear about your condition and even more sorry to hear that you are feeling so hurt and abandoned right now. Your love is so apparent in your endearing words for you son and I respect your determination to see this battle to the end, but the greatest gift you can give him is yourself and your health. I am sure that he would rather have you in his life for as long as possible more than any inheritance that you could bequeth to him.

What is the old line? If you want to hear God laugh, tell him YOUR plans. I often think about these words when I think of my own future or where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I will be 35 on the 29th and it has been hard for me to deal with. I was suppose to be married with two children and a great career by now. When I get down, I hear a soft chuckle in the inner parts of my mind reminding me that I am not in control. Sometimes, God wants us to let go and trust in something bigger than us. Control is an illusion and we are simply deluding ourselves if we think we have any control over the events of our future. All we can do is focus on today and the moment that we are living in right now. Today you are in the throws of battle with cannons blasting on all sides, but you have the high ground so you have the advantage. Dig in and fight for you and for your son, but be sure that you are fighting the right battle.

Life is change and you can be the catalyst. It comes from inside. I know how hard it is to be strong right now and to be swallowed by the dark sea that seems to be crashing all around you, but by focusing on you and doing the best things for yourself, you can give change a push. One of life's hardest lessons for me was learning that I can only do my best and then let the chips fall where they may. You can only do what you can in court and then the chips will fall where they may. Regardless of that outcome, you still have the love of your son and your love for him. That is more priceless than anything and so you really only stand to lose that which is not that important in grand sceme of life. I don't mean to trivialize your situation at all. I would be right in there fighting myself, but that which truly matters you have no chance of losing.

You are very dear to us here. I know that might seem trivial, but I love reading your philosophical views and I really love that you were able to share something so personal with us all. It is ok that you are not always the person who gives the sage advice, but instead someone who is in need of it. My Momaw (who I seem to be referencing a lot lately) always said "It is just as important to recieve a gift as receive one." I questioned her once about what that really meant. She said that if we always give and never receive that we are robbing others of joy of giving." I guess what I am saying, is if you need to talk we are all here to listen.

Please take care of yourself and I will keep you and your precious son in my warmest thoughts.

July 22, 2008
9:00 am
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Wiz,

Wishing you nothing but the best.

Something good will come out of all of this.
Hang in their mate!

Crg

July 22, 2008
9:31 am
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Wiz, life challenges all the time with such difficult hurdles. I am so sorry that you have to face these now. I heard this story once that helped me when I was facing what seemed to be absoltely insurmountable trials . It helped then and even now when facing much smaller every day things. It might help you when you think about the options you have surrounding "the court battle."
Several centuries ago, in a distant land of the far east, there was a warrior. He was a samurai who had fought more battles than he could recall and won them all. He was a virtuous warrior with a deeply rooted sense of loyalty to his emperor and to the principles of the royal armed forces. He was a profound believer in the vows that he had taken when he became a warrior to defend the honor and the traditions of his kingdom. But after years of fighting, his gait started to slow , his armor seemed heavier, his shield more difficult to carry and his breath more labored. He came to the realization that his days of glory in the battle field were over and that he was to search for a different path in life.
He left on a lonely journey that hope, would take him closer to his final peace in harmony with the world and soul. As he was wandering his home land, he met many people and he acquired new knowledge from all of them. One day, as he was walking down a stream , he met a monk. This was a wise one with many years of learning and knowing the secrets of the soul and heart. The aging samurai came close and asked him "- wise one, could you tell me the difference between heaven and hell." The old man looked at him and with an expression of complete disdain, said, what do you want to know? You , who clearly lack the intelligence, integrity, knowledge and capacity to understand any concept? Why would I waste my time trying to explain these concepts and ideas to you? Your intellect would never grasp the full meaning of the concepts. Leave me alone and do not waste my time.
The samurai felt his blood boiling, his body shaking and experienced hatred moving through his body and soul at being insulted like that, and lifted his sword to kill the old wise man. At that very minute, the wise man looked to his eyes and said: that is Hell. In a second, the warrior realized the magnitude of what he was about to do and started to sob like a baby. He could not stop weeping and as his tears dropped down his face with deep remorse , the old wise man said, and that , my friend is heaven.

July 22, 2008
9:46 pm
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Wizard-

Your court case is being fought by you out of love. Even if it were not to go completely as planned, in the worst case scenario, your son will know that you tried to do this for him... and even if he doesn't... YOU know what you are doing is right. There is no failure in that. However the case procedes, you cannot fail in that you are trying and because of the place in your heart it is coming from. Think of it in the reverse, how you would feel if you didn't try... I know that doesn't sound comforting at all, but from an outsider's perspective... well, it's pretty powerful to hear what you are going through and where you are putting your efforts.

Only you will know when you need time for you, and if there is a necessity to give up and let others pick up the pieces for your while you take care of yourself give yourself room for relaxation and enjoyment... there might be a point in the case where your lawyer does all the work. Maybe it's hard to see that far in advance right now.

If you must write, think, speak in the abstract... maybe that's okay. Sometimes that's what you have to do to process thoughts. Do you do any kind of artwork or writing? You seem like a natural writer... besides writing here, do you keep a journal? Would you feel better knowing your son would understand you tried? Would you consider keeping a journal with the notion of giving it to your son (and having another for issues you wanted to keep to yourself)? You can write one to him, but don't necessarily have to give it to him... just to put the thoughts down... I mean reading what you posted opened up doors for some people here that read it. The more you write, the less abstract and the closer to the concious you will get... it will only happen when you are ready for it. You know how the mind works.

-ella

July 22, 2008
9:48 pm
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Holy Crap Wiz, that's worth a whole thread by itself.

Talk about a double whammy!

Really sorry to hear about the bad divorce--you hardly ever hear about good ones.

So what's the cancer diagnosis? Have you actually been given x months to live?

I applaud you putting up a fight to take care of your son. Fight the good fight.

July 22, 2008
11:40 pm
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((((WizardofAus))))

Thanks for sharing that.

Sending good thoughts
your way for recovery ( from cancer) and with your legal situation.

Take care of yourself as much as you do others.

What is your plan to fight the cancer?

Mainstream medicine, homeopathic or both?

July 23, 2008
11:34 am
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Thanks for all your kind and loving thoughts. It is great to feel your friendship and love in here.

I am feeling much better on the legal front. Yesterday, I hired a new lawyer and he is much easier for me to work with. The last one managed to write a whole letter without using one verb. (lol)Plus he had an arrogant attitude to match. So yesterday, I followed my gut instincts and sacked him and hired this new guy I had spoken to once before. I was really flying blind, but this guy did more in 4 hours than the other guy did in four months. Thank you, God, for guiding me out of a horrible vulnerable place.

As for the cancer, I have faith in the Book of Job, in the Bible. Job recovered and prospered "because he maintained his integrity." Job is my favourite book of inspiration for when I have my back to the wall.

I know I will be all right. All my other medical tests were brilliant; BP, kidneys, liver, cholesterol, all perfect. The doctor thought I had put the wrong age down on my form; "You cannot be that old with a body like yours," he said. (just kidding.)

We Aussies have this wonderful expression which we use whether it is true or not (kind of fake it until you make it). We say, "She'll be right, Mate. She'll be apples!"

And so it shall be! Thanks for all your support. Love back to you all.

July 23, 2008
8:53 pm
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Wizard-

You sound in good spirits today and that is some good news.

A good lawyer can put your mind at ease, not only with their competence, but with their kindness. People don't give that profession the credit for that, but I had a very insightful and sensitive lawyer when I went through some difficulties. She helped me out a lot, but most importantly, she treated me with respect. I'm glad you found someone like that.

July 24, 2008
8:44 pm
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During the past two nights I have had two separate dreams.

In the first, I meet my wife at a legal mediation conference. I am winning the case and she is losing the legal battle quite clearly. We sit down on a couch and she moves close to me and puts her arms around me. I am overjoyed at her return but suspicious of her motives (duh, lol) and increasingly conflicted. I want to forgive her and recover our relationship but I fear the long term consequences of trusting her again.

The next night, I dreamed I was talking to my step daughter. I am determined not to fight with her but we just drift into conflict because she is so nasty. I feel frustrated that I cannot control this situation and realise that it is the end of my romance with her mother.

I think I need to own these two separate parts of me, rather than just seeing them as characters outside of me. Together the two dreams may be about love and fear, or perhaps about head and heart.

My heart and feelings seem to be the force that gets me into these toxic situations. My conflict with my step daughter may be symbolic that secretly I envy her cold, hard hearted approach to life. She works out what is best for her and that is an end to it.

I also think I stay in a toxic relationship for too long out of a sense of loyalty to my heart. Meanwhile, my fearful head is trying to warn me of the danger, so the anger and frustration rises in me. If I remain true to my heart, the anger often turns into depression, which some say is just anger gone to sleep.

The evidence indicates to me that my rational head is my strength and right now, faced with the challenge of resurrecting my life, I need to honor my strength and stay very rational in planning for the court case and also in planning my future post separation.

Meanwhile my heart is feeling very deprived, a highly likely source of the cancer as my heart expresses her pain in my body.

How can I satisfy my heart while I allow the strength of my intellect to save me from destruction? This feels like a challenge to my romantic (naive) nature that wants to believe in the power of love to conquer my wife's addiction, just like when my Mother hung around until my Dad recovered from his alcoholism.

I remember that story of the Swami kneeling by the side of the road looking into the drain. A man comes up and asks him what he is doing. He says, "I am rescuing this centipede that has fallen into the muddy ditch and cannot get out." "Oh look," says the man, "every time you pick him up, he stings you." "Yes that is in his nature; he stings others." "So why do you keep trying to rescue him?" "Because that is in my nature," said the Swami.

A part of me really loves trying to rescue situations and I feel incomplete when my head tells me I cannot do it.

For the time being, I am trying to stay rational until I get back on my feet again but in the meantime I need to find outlets for my heart's desire, so that the sadness in my heart does not turn into cancer.

Maybe I should start writing romantic novels. (lol)

July 25, 2008
1:48 pm
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Wiz,

Letting go of someone we love is very difficult even when we know it is for the best. I ended a 12 year relationship with the person who was the most dear to my heart just months ago and even though I know it was best, my stubborn little Irish heart still misses him each and every day. My head responds with her usual "it is for the best", but my heart still hurts at her loss.

The big lesson I learned in letting go is that we can love people who are not good to us, but it is our choice whether to allow ourselves to be victimized by that love. We can't change the way we feel. (Lord knows that I have even prayed to God asking him to remove these feelings from my heart, but now I simply pray for the strength to do what is the best for me. We were toxic together not only on his part but on mine as well. I think of us like two paracites who stayed alive by feasting on the rotting flesh of what should have been a relationship. (I know that is a very graphic image.) I love him and now me enough to stay away from him. The harder part of my story is that he still loves me too. We just know that we are not healthy together. I told him in our last email that the hardest part of recovering is actually recovering. Having the strength to see this through is a good sign that you are growing as a person.

My ex is an alcholic-codependent and I feel like I have abandoned him in making my decision to stop all communication with him. I still feel disloyal to the love I walked away from. I promised his grandfather on his death bed that I would always look out after his "favorite grandson". I have heard those words again and again over those last few months. In walking away, I am taking care of him. I am ending my part of the toxicity. I always felt that love, true love supasses all things. Now, I realize that it does. It transcends what I want. It is only because of my love for both of us that I can let him go and do what is best for me. It satisfies my heart to know that even though I am not feeding his addictions through my own codependent behaviors, that I am still caring for him by caring for myself.

Part of our codependent tendencies are to save people, but like the swami we do because it is in our nature. I always thought if I saved people then they would see how valuable I really am. Unfortunately, it just don't work that way. We think if we give others what they need, they will give us what we need. Sadly what happens is that they still don't give us what we need and we are the ones who end up hurt and angry. If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime. The thing with that is, you cannot teach a man to fish, if you don't know how to fish yourself. What is the best way to learn? To do it yourself. If we save others, they never learn anything for themselves and we rob them of the experience.

The best way to heal a broken heart is to give it to others...and I don't mean romantically. Try giving of yourself to other people-help an elderly neighbor, call a lonely relative just to chat, volunteer some time to a worthy cause. It won't erase the hurt, but it will help to ease it just a bit.

Writing is a wonderful outlet. I haven't finished my first one yet, but it is in progress. I have always been told that my 12 years with the ex would be the next Romeo and Juilet...who knows, but it has helped.

Hang in there...and there's nothing wrong with being a romantic. I still believe that love is real. It just isn't what we see in the movies.

July 25, 2008
6:46 pm
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Happiness seems so much like home accounting, sometimes. Once I heard a sibling say if you could only have money/health/etc, you would be happy (you in general). I couldnt put my finger on what sounded backwards. Later I read, "the secret to happiness is not if you have what you want, but if you want what you have. In home accounting, that would be like spend less than you get, and you will be on the surplus side. Im my personal growth this has related to the fact that if someone hints at a book or the story of a swami, my ears perk up, my eyes become the size of saucers, and I wanna know whats the end of the swami story and where can I buy the book so I can stack it up on top of others and try glimpse over the horizon. Nothing wrong there - Im not biting the hands that feed me - Im glad they helped bring me this far! Ive also thought I could sublimate my wants and needs. Only to find out I was just repressing what the swami above called "nature. Here my main intention was to get away from pain.

Then like in home accounting, I looked into spending priorities, beans&boots before books. Here my main intention was to hit hte beaten track to pleasure fast. Im still looking into who I am and trying to fill that person´s voids, needs and wants before some toxic stuff does. Feeling very dejected on my path to happiness as I often do, I once evendesperately confessed to a nun friend that I couldn´t get used to less than I was used to, wanted or needed, while aware there were people fighting, suffering and dying in places very close to me. She said to me, "well those arent your realities" and "a sheep isn´t cut for the forest". I left relieved someone had empathy and understood me only to realize later I had been bumped down to Maslow´s lower levels of needs again. I sometimes hate Maslow for creating a 5-level pyramid of needs that had me climb up to the top and fall on my butt so often to redo lesson one or two. In accounting, that would be like going thru fortune and bankrupcy like a ioio. Not fun.

I know Im missing the message bc I still feel so stuck. The seemingly most impossible thing for me to do has been to look inside myself for happiness. Need major surgery there. I dont trust myself but maybe more than that I dont appreciate of what Ive got. and to top it off, I realize I am a controlling person just as my x. Yes, I am still in the stage of hypervigilance while in a dysfuncitonal family and still fleeing from life (pain/pleasure), trying to passively control whats over the horizon, my surroundings and people around me. As (((WD))) once said “afraid of living.” (that would be another thread). So lately my mottos have been letting go, doing my best, looking right, left and UP above all, not for omnipotence but for guidance. (((Wiz))), I know that whatever crosses your path, you´re not alone and your best will always be kicking. (((Everyone))), love your sharing, as Newton said “if I could see over the horizon, it was bc I sat on the shoulders of giants” (or close) and we´re all bigger for searching to be better if not a giant giant “sitting on each other´s shoulders”.

Sorry this is long, its a boring more-than-150 years-of-German- colonization holiday here. Hugs, Sini

July 25, 2008
8:02 pm
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Thanks Alice and Sini.

I received a lot of inspiration from both of your posts.

The more I contemplate my situation the more I see that the problem is in the relationship between the objects rather than in either of the objects. The fact that the two objects experienced a love between them is proof of their goodness, but somehow the relationship destroyed that love.

Adam and Eve were not forbidden to eat an apple. It was the "knowledge of good and evil". To me that is a warning about assuming, with our limited understanding on the human plane, that we have God's understanding of what is ultimately good or evil, in an infinite time/space universe. And a lot of our pain seems to derive from our judgements. And there seems to be a growing industry out there, supplying us with evermore sophisticated labels of good and evil. It has now become so easy to say, "Oh well I married a Narcissist or Psychotic or Borderline Personality Disorder and that explains my problem. Worse still some of us are saying, "I must have one of these fancy problems myself; therefore I am damaged goods."

I knew my Dad before and after he recovered from his addiction to alcohol. The man who could behave in the most cowardly way was also the man who in altered relationship to alcohol could be the most courageous man I ever knew. It is mostly in the relationship that we meet our frustrations.

I prefer Harville Hendrick's take on things. The spiritual purpose of our relationships, especially the frustrating bits, is our learning. We fall in love with another because we have something to learn/teach each other. I needed to learn from Charissa a less complicated way of meeting my needs. Perhaps she needs to learn from me about the loneliness and sadnes of only having concern for your own needs and ignoring the needs of those around you. I don't know. My job is to learn what I need to learn. God sets the curriculum.

Hendricks is adamant that we lose the best opportunities for learning when we run away from the relationship when the going gets tough. It is a bit like the maths class in school; we learn the most through the problems they set for homework.

This does not mean we have to stay in unsafe situations, but we can stay in relationship after we have moved a safe distance apart.

I have just done some homework with my first wife (the one before this one (lol)). We had a long chat about the needs of our son in the light of the current train wreck. For me it turned into a forgiveness exercise and ultimately into some clarity about what was really going on in our relationship. We reached an impasse in which we both were unable to put the relationship ahead of our own needs. We were also on divergent paths in terms of our dreams and our convictions as to what was most important in life. I think some reconciliation came when were able to acknowledge the other's pain which was unintentionally created by our behaviour. "I did not mean to hurt you, but I acknowledge that you were hurt very deeply by what I did."

During the conversation a very sad statement just popped out of my unconscious, "I wish I had been attractive enough to you, for you to still love me warts and all."

I suspect that that inadequate feeling is the deep down pain that we all feel when a toxin destroys the love we once had for each other. The lesson might be, "try not to hate or blame your ex- for the pain; just try to learn from the experience of once having loved them and having found them very attractive." Remove the toxin and you are both still the same loveable people. Just like my Dad proved to be, when he entered recovery.

July 26, 2008
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(((wozard))) "The spiritual purpose of our relationships, especially the frustrating bits, is our learning." that really resonated, thank you. I have been divorced from the love of my life ( together 33 years) for over a year now. I have built my own life and have wonderful and loving children that surround me, loving parents and friends and a good friend next to me. However, that he was unhappy enough to abandon everything...still hurts. Your words really helped, thanks.

July 29, 2008
2:08 am
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Camino-

33 years is a long time, and it is a testiment of your strength and heart that you have been rebuilding your life.

Isn't Wizard like a wise poet?

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