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What about mental illness
July 20, 2009
10:11 am
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It No Longer Matters
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2BReal, I haven't been here for a few days, but I agree with all Ma Strong has said. Talk to your priest or pastor and see what they have to say.

Bitsy

July 20, 2009
7:59 pm
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2BReal
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Thanks everyone. Not that it really matters, but the "strip" bars were actually bikini bars (we don't have strip bars in Idaho - at least not in my area)and that was over 12 years ago. But like I said that doesn't really matter at this point.

I realize that we don't have much of a marriage and won't if things remain the way they are -refusing treatment and all. I guess I also realize that probably 99.99% of people (including pastors) would say that divorcing him would be ok.

Right now, I'm very sad - almost depressed- as I realize this fact.

Thanks again.

July 20, 2009
9:07 pm
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2BReal

It's understandable why you feel down, I'm sending you lot's of smile espeacially in response to your reply there's no strip clubs in Idaho... too funny. Your probably right though that is Potato Country out there.

Do you have any free time for yourself, or can you take some time for yourself? It would help you so much to maybe get out and enjoy some company with friends. Try to reach out to people willing and wanting to give you a hug when you need it.

Thinking of you, and praying that life gets easier for you soon.

Healing and Peace ((((Lot's Of Hugs)))

July 21, 2009
2:40 am
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soofoo
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((((((2bReal))))))

It's really sad. I've been there.

When my bf was sick the sickness was like an insurmountable wall between us. There was no communication, even when there was talking. We may as well have been speaking different languages. It was frustrating to not be understood, and it left so much unfinished business, which seemed like unfinishable business.

Keep exploring your feelings here. I imagine that you have to put yourself on the backburner a lot, so that you can care for your sick child especially. But a little time journaling or posting here, can help sort you sort it through.

July 21, 2009
3:06 pm
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2br,

I'm sorry too that you have to deal with all that.

I think if you are asking yourself what is best for you and your children in light of his choice and behavior, then you are doing what I would do and what's been advised to me.

I don't look at divorce as some scarlet letter. I look at it this way..if one can lead a happier healthier life for oneself and one's kids by divorcing oneself with love from someone whose dysfunctions prevent a happy healthy life, then it's the right thing to do. You do deserve to be happy. I just don't see how a marriage is also a suicide pact. I don't want to pay a life sentence because someone I loved once upon a time suddenly chose to life a life of destruction.

July 22, 2009
9:29 pm
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2BReal
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Yes, I agree that staying with my husband is probably destroying me...slowly...day by day. It's just all so sad. I hate it. I thought I could save him. How foolish, I guess. Right now, I'm starting to concentrate more on work- I'm a teacher and summer is almost over. Once that kicks in, I think I'll have little time to devote to my H and we'll slowly drift more and more apart. I guess I'll survive since people have survived worse. Thanks for your advice- I take all of it to heart- very helpful.

July 22, 2009
10:30 pm
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2BReal,

If you don't mind me asking how old are you daughters? You sound like such a sweet lady, and I can tell how caring you are. Thinking of you and hoping all get's easier for you soon.

Lot's of hugs and prayers to you,

Healing and Peace

July 22, 2009
10:39 pm
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2BReal
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Healing... and Peace,
My daughters are 12 (almost 13) and is a model daughter (almost perfect, if there's such a thing), 7 (the one who is cognitively impaired) and such a huge challenge though I love her with all my heart, and 5 (super intelligent but showing some signs of emotional problems). I also am contemplating having my niece (15) stay with us for the school year.

Anyway, thank you for the compliment. I appreciate it and your good wishes.

July 23, 2009
2:47 am
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soofoo
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I see mental illness in someone I love as something to cope with and accept no matter how challenging. But abuse is not. This is just me here, too, not telling anyone else what to do. I think if you are being abused you have to break away, even if mental illness or some other act of God is the catalyst.

I do get very irritated when people say stuff like well you just take your meds if you have mental illness and everything will be fine. And if you don't take your meds then you are irresponsible, immoral, self destructive. Because it just so very rarely works out that way for people. Psych meds are shit. They rarely work well. And psych patients need to have some choice and not be treated like active drug addicts if they go off their meds. Meds can be just as debilitating as the illness. Often times meds make psych patients easier for the rest of the world to deal with, but suck the life out of the patient and make him a zombie.

That having been said, a psych patient will often be impossible to live with and will often exhibit behavior that is divorce worthy. And the mental illness on the part of the one spouse does not make the abuse of the other spouse tolerable or acceptable. It just makes the situation even more sad.

Love and hugs to you 2Breal, don't forget that you don't have to solve everything, you can't solve everything anyway, and that it's okay to wait for the tide to turn when your chips are down. We don't bring everything into our lives, nor do we take everything out, and the great big world does not spin any faster or more efficiently if you hold it upon your shoulders.

soofoo

July 23, 2009
5:09 pm
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2BReal,

What great ages your daughters are at right now, I kind of miss those ages (kind of)... Taking in your niece at (15) years old is a huge step... I took in my nephew years ago when he was 14/15, which was good and not so good at the same time... just an adjustment for my own kids but all and all, I had no regrets. His mother is my sister whom is a drug addict, and his father is an alcholic so his father simply signed him over to me because he didn't want to deal with him as a teenager. Just make sure your up to it, and that your not taking on too much considering all your going through now. You truly have to take care of yourself.

Healing and Peace

July 25, 2009
3:12 am
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2BReal,

Hello, I am sorry for what you are going through. My experience in this is not the same, because my ex and I never got married (though we were talking about it). However, I do know what it is like to love someone mentally ill and also addicted to drugs. For discussion's sake, let's just call the drugs a symptom of the illness that take on a life of their own. I loved my ex, and still do, but the relationship is now impossible... though he will pursue it as long as I let him. It has to stop. So I understand your struggle to a degree, though my situation is less enmeshed presently.

It's understandable how much pain you are in, especially having children with this man and being married to him. It's hard to put boundaries on how we express our love, even when it is in our best interest to practice some self preservation, and -in your case- protect your children. Whatever you end up doing, it sounds like you are doing it lovingly and with the concerns of a spiritual person. This may not be what your husband will want, but it will make all the difference to your children... to see you be such a caring individual to their father, with all his problems. So even though you must do what is in the interest of yourself and the rest of your family, your approach is making a world of difference already, and will continue to. You have to take care of yourself in order to be there to lovingly take care of your children. So putting yourself first, protecting yourself from abuse and/or being drained by your husband's illness... is really not a selfish thing... in your case, it is a selfless thing.

Also, I have to add that I suffer from bipolar disorder and I am also thinking from the other side of the fence. I wouldn't want my family, or anyone that loved me, to coddle me when I wasn't compliant with my treatment or my meds. All this would do would be to leave me in my own world of not taking care of my illness, basically that would be enabling me... and it's easy to stay sick with people supporting you no matter what you do. As a person suffering from a mental illness that has been severe in the past, I can qualify and say that enabling me personally... is not the way I want someone to express their love. I prefer tough love because it helps me. I don't want anyone to suffer because of my illness, yet when I am ill I am sure I do not express this.

I cannot speak for your husband, I only know that I think you are doing the LESS cruel thing by doing what is right by you, and taking care of your children. He is not taking care of himself for whatever reason, and you cannot make him.

It sometimes seems to trivialize things to dish out slogans, but I am using this one in my life now to help me deal with my guilt about putting up boundaries with my ex:

"You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it."

be well and take care,
hugs,
ella

July 29, 2009
8:55 pm
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Thanks, everyone for your input. It means and helps alot. I really can agree with the last quote - "you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it". I have been a control freak in the past and I am having to change that - I don't really have a choice, anymore.
So, I've decided to put a divorce on hold totally right now and just focus on being kind to my husband. I include him in a lot of family activities and talk to him frequently. I guess I can understand the fact that someone wouldn't like the idea of being forced to take meds.. He doesn't want to and that's his right.
I also have my niece visiting right now, so that's keeping me busy.
Thanks again.

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