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Well Tez, I guess I am the Grinch Who Stole XMas
December 27, 2006
7:44 pm
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bevdee
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Hi Tez

Thank you for your post on the Gnosis thread. Now I will have to say it again- you rock and I am certain that I am in love with you, too! You nailed my emotions real well.

I pulled this from the Gnosis thread, because I am always changing your threads with my problems!! "In 'standing your ground' with your family, in your dealings with those at your work and with those in your love life, you risk displeasing them and as a consequence facing the possibility of rejection and abandonment.

Is this the fear that might be making your life less than ideal? Am I right in my understanding of your situation?"

Yes - although going to Daddy's church was the least of the drama I had at Christmas. I am pleased that my niece now knows there is one person in the family that will not deal with her from a Judeo-Christian base or platform or whatever. The manipulations and denial and bullshit at my mother's house hit so fast after my sister got there, my head is still reeling. I left early - on Christmas evening.

I have been away long enough, and learned enough in that time that I was able to see it, but unable to keep from responding to it when I was insulted or jostled physically by my sister. When I explained to my mother my reasons for leaving, she turned and walked away. In a few moments my stepfather had come to me, telling me how important it was TO MY MOTHER that everyone be together for xmas. He asked me if I could set aside my feelings to" DO THIS FOR YOUR MOTHER"

Set aside my feelings. Old song and dance. I caved, sort of. I stayed through three more holiday dinners, visited friends in between times- to stay away from the house, and left pretty late in the evening to my mother sobbing that she would never hang another ornament without the memory of this ruined Christmas.

I am the grinch who stole Xmas, Tez!!

What is interesting to me - and also very painful- is that my mother and I get along great when it is just the two of us. The same is true when my stepfather is in the room. But when everyone is together? The old family dynamic just kicks in. My sister is BPD. I don't know how much you know about that personality, but she checks off on 11 out of 12- on the checklist.

When she is in the room, she talks loud and laughs loud, interrupts anyone talking, to insert her opinion. She has no respect for anyone's opinion, boundaries, feelings, property. There are times she will not let me talk. Believe it or not- I'm soft-spoken and mannerly in person, and it's easy to talk over me.

She expects everyone to give her whatever she wants. She feels she is entitled to it. Before her alcoholism and crack addiction changed her personality, she was more subtle,charmiong,sly, insidious. The addictions seem to have exacerbated the traits. Now, she is just in your face with it.

She's lost everything, and feels like shit. Having been in regular contact with her to pay her bills, my mother knows how bad she feels, and there has already been one possible suicide attempt, and numerous threats.

Xmas eve, my sister poured 2 glasses of wine for my 15 year old niece, and my mother gave my sister and my visiting friend muscle relaxers. My mommy - passin' out the tranqs!!

My sister claims to have these parasites, and because she has none of the physical manifestations she claimed to have, that she had described to me, I questioned her. She told my mother there is a dr in another state that treats this disease with some success, and the first treatment costs around $3000. I believe this was an attempt to con Mom out of more money. When I asked her why she was not taking precautions to protect me, Mom and our stepdad, she blew up at me. She said it was not contagious. It is.

My mom agreed with her. That was the moment I felt betrayed. Because my mom is the one who sent me the websites to explain this disease, and it IS contagious.

Privately, after my sister stomped out of the room, slamming the door, calling me names, my mom asked me to NOT upset her. I asked Mom why Sissy's feelings were to be the priority when we were talking about a misunderstood, misdiagnosed, so far incurable parasitic disease. My mother said, "She feels so bad *Bev*, let's not upset her."

I am diabetic, I heal 2-3 times more slowly than a non-diabetic, and I feel that if my sister is not lying, I should not have to suffer for her thoughtlessness or carelessness.

When my sister is there, everyone just falls into place under the force of her personality. It seems that everyone fears her displeasure. My mother needs me to not challenge my sister's behaviour or lies, and not stand up for myself, because of the fears she has for my sister. She really fears my sister's anger. My stepdad does not like my sister much, but needs me to comply, because he is the one who has to soothe my mother when "things" don't go well.

When he asked me to do it for my mother, Tez, I couldn't breathe. I went to the basement bathroom and had to calm an asthma attack.

I know this is a good thing. I needed to see it. I tend to question my perceptions when I have not "seen" for a long time. Even though my emotional and physical reaction was pretty violent to me, I SAW it. I saw the manipulations exactly when they were trying to do it. At one point my stepdad said, " Please don't do this to your mother" (leave) and I said" Please ask my mother not to do this to ME" - His mouth fell open. I saw that it was making my sister angrier and angrier that I was quieter than usual, and refused to slip into my old "role".

As for less than ideal? I believe I will be freer for this. I have been writing madly since I got home. I believe that this will make me stronger. It might take a little while, but it won't bring me down.

As for rejection? I don't "need" what I would lose if they reject me. I fell for it this time, Tez- I got faked out, and she got me up there for the holiday, but I won't get faked out again. The pain at the betrayal was so sharp and fierce!! My heart actually squeezed in my chest. But this time, I was feeling and observing it at the same time.

I am sure it will be better for me to send gifts through the mail next year. Or maybe I'll just buy a goat in their names!!

December 27, 2006
9:31 pm
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Bevdee.

Phew! I'm very sorry to hear that your Christmas went so badly for you.

I see a little girl within you that needs so much to be accepted and loved, not disregarded and then told to get back into her solitary confinement("My heart actually squeezed in my chest") to be punished and ignored.

As for ruining Christmas for your mother, I very much doubt that you did that. I think that your mother's own bias and self centered focus, combined with that of your sister and step father, did just that. But I think you might know that deep down.

You said:

"I don't "need" what I would lose if they reject me."

That I can understand. But that little girl within you does need to be accepted, listened to, given high regard, and given the highest priority in regard to her needs. This will require the love and devotion of a very understanding mother. Will you be that mother to her?

Will you say to the little girl within you?: "I will never knowingly put you in this Christmas situation again. I will give you all my loyalty and affection. I will be nice to you. I will not blame you for the suffering of others. I will never make your needs take second place to the needs of others just to keep the peace. I will not make you take the responsibility for the feelings of others!!! I will acknowledge your anger and hurt and with all the compassion that I can muster, I will nurture you. I will never tell you that you are self-centered when I look after your needs first. If I do place a high priority on the needs of others, I will not do so until I have first seen to your needs. I will value you above all, placing your needs second to none. Having done this, I can only then be assured that I will be in the position to delight in you, to share you and to give your love to others. You are my own lovely, little child."

<<<<>>>>

December 27, 2006
9:52 pm
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bevdee
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Thank you Tez

I will print this, frame it, and hang it on the mirror in the bathroom. I will print it, laminate it and keep a copy in my purse.

You are a sweetheart.

Thank you.

December 27, 2006
10:27 pm
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Bev, I am so sorry about your holiday...Your post broke my heart...Tez, what you wrote was fabulous; it really moved me....

((((Bev))))

December 27, 2006
10:31 pm
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Thank you rouxlady GG.

December 27, 2006
10:37 pm
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Bev,

Thank you for asking me to come read all of this. Thank you a ton. My heart is sad to know what you went through, and Tez is right, you did NOT steel Christmas. You took care of you. Tezs response hits home in many ways to me, I too will print it off and place it in MANY places. I need to learn to heal my inner child..because the last thing I want is her to suffer for the rest of her life. She has suffered enough, and long enough.

Thanks again Bev. This has really hit home, especially due to my last couple of weeks. I appreciate it highly. I spent a LOT of time talking to a friend of mine today about my mom. It tears me apart to know that I will never have what I so desperately feel that I need. It hurts me to know that you will not get it either from your mom either.

Take care of YOU Bev. You deserve it. I am here anytime you want to talk. I know and live your pain. Though our situations are very different, our pain is still VERY much the same.

(((Bev)))

Mich

December 27, 2006
10:57 pm
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bevdee
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Mich,

I sensed it would be difficult for you. I read some of your posts.

I have to accept that My dramaMama will never be what I need. To me.

If you get any pointers/suggestions on acceptance, will you pass them on to me? I think it's going to require alot of reprogramming, Mandy.

December 27, 2006
11:06 pm
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Bev,

If you have read anything from the last 24 hours I am sorry. I know that you struggle with what I feel.

We do have to accept it Bev, but it isn't going to be easy. It is going to require a lot more reprogramming than I feel capable of at this point, but it is going to take baby steps Bev, BABY STEPS. I will sure pass on anything that I get that may be helpful. I have hope for your continued growth and healing as well as my own.

As I said, just remember that I am here. And that I care.

(((Bev)))

December 27, 2006
11:14 pm
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Oh Mich!! DON"T SAY SORRY. I choose to read the threads I read. You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings but your own. Neither am I. Here we go again!!

I had to back away at exactly the moment that I did, ok? It was the best thing for Me. I am becoming selfish!! I like that. I left my mother's early to avoid further toxicity. I'm proud that I left when I did. I am not blaming them entirely- but it was just awful to feel the emotions come slamming back like they did.

I am so glad to see you're still here. I had a suspicion you would have a hard time, but I also knew you would make it thru the hoiday. And here you are- you go girl. And you keep going!

Bevdee

December 27, 2006
11:28 pm
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You keep on keeping on too Bev. I care about you and what happens to you. I will be thinking of you and letting you know if I hear anything that could be helpful for you. I hope that you will do the same thing for me.

Mich

December 28, 2006
9:55 pm
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Tez, Mich, GGrouxlady

I sent an email to my mom-I thought I would share it here with you all since you listened and responded so kindly to me last night.

Here it is -

Mom,
I have waited to contact you because I didn’t want there to be any hubbub - in case *Sissy* was still there. I started to instant message you, but *Niece* might have been online. I wanted to thank you for having me, and for the D-earth. I regret that everything happened the way it did - I feel like I shouldn’t have come. Once I found out *Sissy* was going to be there, my fears of her Morgellon’s reared up. I thought of canceling because of it, but I didn’t want to ruin xmas. You and I discussed that.

What was it you said to *Niece* about not having to do something if she didn't want to? And Daddy having to understand there would be consequences or something for his actions? I don’t remember exactly how you worded it. That was when she and I were discussing how Daddy is. I was trying to explain how I handled his religious beliefs.

I stayed longer than I wanted to in part because of *Stepdad* reminding me about how much it meant to you to have us all there for Xmas. I stayed in part because my grandma and my aunts were wanting to see us. I did not want there to be any further uproar around *Nieces* mommy.
I think I know what you wanted this Xmas- to get the whole family together, like it used to be.

It is never going to be the same, Mom.

You and I grew as a result of our knowledge and concern of Karla's misery. We grew together in our love for Karla and each other, and our desire to communicate and operate differently than we had in the past. (I hope this is not assumptive on my part - this is the way I perceive what happened with you and I in the last 3 years)

It is never going to be the same.

We can sling blame all over the place. We can blame ourselves, each other, anyone else, but it is not going to change this situation as it is right now. It won’t take away *Sissy's* mental illness, her addictions. Blame enables. So does our guilt, I believe.

The only things I can change are my reactions to them and being unable to do that, my proximity to them.
After I got back to your house, I was just going to see how things went. When *Sissy* came roaring around the kitchen island to say ?? What was it?? “Can I watch TV in YOUR room, since I am not allowed in the basement?” That just did it for me. She was getting angrier and angrier, and I did not want to get into a full-blown argument with her. She is abusive, and I am a scrappy word-fighter. And remember, my fight or flight syndrome has changed - I don’t fly anymore, I will fight. I didn’t want *Niece* and you and *stepdad* to be any more upset.

I am not the same anymore. I know my anger and I know the source of my anger. Nowadays, I try to go away an think about it before lashing out. I really try to, anyway.

What struck me last weekend is the family dynamic. I am going to paste what I posted to my website -

(Here's where I pasted the post)

Anyway, that’s the post- that’s how I feel about the whole weekend.

Mom, I want to have a relationship with you. I feel like we have come really far. I can’t demand or require that you be a certain way for me. If I have expectations that are not met, then it is for me to examine, not project that to you. Not anymore.

But, for now, in this stage of my recovery, I can’t deal with *Sissy* and her illnesses. Why do we fear her? Are we afraid only of her displeasure? Or her potential for violence to us or herself?
She told Beth that she would be living in the basement really soon. If you want to know my concerns about this, I will tell you. Otherwise, I will stay out of it.

I also wanted to share with you what my friend on the boards posted back to me.

“Will you say to the little girl within you?: "I will never knowingly put you in this situation again.
I will give you all my loyalty and affection.
I will be nice to you.
I will not blame you for the suffering of others.
I will never make your needs take second place to the needs of others just to keep the peace.
I will not make you take the responsibility for the feelings of others!!!
I will acknowledge your anger and hurt and with all the compassion that I can muster, I will nurture you.
I will never tell you that you are self-centered when I look after your needs first.
If I do place a high priority on the needs of others, I will not do so until I have first seen to your needs.
I will value you above all, placing your needs second to none.
Having done this, I can only then be assured that I will be in the position to delight in you, to share you and to give your love to others.
You are my own lovely, little child."

I think I am falling in love with this guy.

Goodnight,
*Bev*"

Again, thanks for listening and the feedback, y'all!

Bevdee

December 28, 2006
10:03 pm
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Bev, I am proud of you for communicating to your mom....This is an area that I lack in and need to work on...I hope you feel better and I am sure your mother will understand the situation better as she will see things through your eyes also....Take care,,,,,,gg (rouxlady)

December 28, 2006
10:21 pm
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bevdee
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GG Rouxlady

I had to write exactly what I felt. Edit. Then edit. And again.

I don't have much hope for her changing, in the case of our family dynamics and my sister.

Thanks for your response. It is soothing to me.

December 29, 2006
1:56 am
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free
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this is a really cool thread.

(((bevdee)))

free

December 29, 2006
3:39 am
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Hey Free- where ya been girl?

December 29, 2006
1:14 pm
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Hi bevdee-
I been goin, goin, goin! I teach high school and our semester ended on the Thursday before Christmas, so had to have grades done- that's always crazy. Then had to finish shopping- usually I do that the week before Christmas kuz we're usually off school,but not this year. Usually my kids spend a week at their dad's, but they don't have to go anymore as of last March or so- they've gone a few times and he's an ass, so they don't wanna go anymore, and aren't this Christmas vacation. So I've got kids 24-7 now. their dad didn't even send them a card for christmas. he lives 2 or 3 miles away. It's pathetic. made Tamales. Cookies. I've a huge hillside in my backyard with pine trees on it and a man-made spring coming out the hillside into a waterfall down to a pond. My H built a bridge in the shape of an arc over the top and we put in another waterfall with pond up there. So I've been working in that area kuz there was major tramplage on the plants. I like to work in my yard. I got Tiki poles for Christmas and put them up by the trees. I've a statue of an angel letting a dove go by one of the falls. When i light torches it looks like Survivor in my backyard- some ancient sacrificial worship place or something. It's fun.

Been reading threads- especially the Sisters thread here and the Charmer/abuser thread on the other side. I get it now- finally- it's been years- my ex H had put spyware on my computer and so had passwords to my accounts. he stalked bevdee, and the weirdest things would happen, like him knowing my plane flights home before I told the kids, my bank account balances, credit card statements, phone bills. Not anymore though.

And ya know- taking down the christmas tree and all is such an event- just alot of work! we had massive wind and a storm and now it's all calm. finally, a nice day!

free

December 29, 2006
7:48 pm
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Hey Free

Your place sounds pretty. I kill grass when I walk through a yard. The Black Thumb of Death.

I read the Charmer/Abuser thread, too. I read it because women do it to each other sometimes. I have such a hard time seeing it until I am smack in the middle of it.

This grinchy xmas- I feel that my mom charmed me for 3 years, then abused me when I wouldn't play her game. The same with my sister. I stopped playing, but it still hurts. I have alot of healing and work to do!! I say that because i feel so betrayed. I suspect that they both must feel betrayed that I quit playing.

I have just finished re-reading that drama/rescue triangle you posted about a month ago Jeez.

Sometimes I wish I could fly free from all of this!! I got as far away as I dared at the time, but today it doesn't seem far enough. ANd there is that saying- No matter where ya go- there ya are.

Does your ex-h still stalk you? The ex-abuser I call Luc drove 8 hours to find me. He's so illiterate, I doubt he can use much more than an ATM card or a cellphone - computerwise.

Talk at ya later

December 30, 2006
5:04 pm
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Hi BevDee

You sound to me like you may have passed another 'milestone' in your life and cast off a 'millstone' for good measure. That which doesn't kill you only ...

I am concentrating on practicing two things in my life.

1. I am practicing refusing to take responsibilities for the feelings of others. This does not mean that I can go around like a bull in a china shop. I am practicing taking full responsibilities for my intentions and subsequent actions.

2. I am practicing not accepting my feelings automatically as both indicators of and proof of what I perceive to be a threat to me in my life. I am practicing thinking just acknowledging and accepting my feelings about some event and then thinking about the event with as much objectivity as I can muster.

When I have upset someone, as I sometimes do, merely because I do not meet their expectations of me, I now practice refusing to accept responsibility for that person's feelings. I am so sick and tired of trying to tap dance between the neuroses of others for fear of triggering negative emotional responses in them. Being a 'people pleaser' is no fun at all. 🙂

In my experience, 'people-pleasing' usually results in a lose-lose outcome sooner or later. When I fail to please them, I also fail to meet my need to please. Both of us then lose.

When I please others at the expense of another need in me - a need that is mutually exclusive to my need to please others - then I lose again. This is often the case when my intention is to 'people-please'.

When I try to please two people simultaneously, wherein both people demand opposite behaviors from me, then I am wedged between a rock and a hard place - no win for me whatever I choose to do. Phew!

It sounds to me like your Christmas experience was like this, BevDee. You must have felt like screaming out from your Mustang window on the way home: "Get f..ked, the lot of yah."

May the 'Ground of my Being' "grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I fully acknowledge my plagiarism. 🙂

For all you lovely ladies:

May you all have a great New Year's eve. At midnight on the 31st December 2006, I hope you all get a kiss and a cuddle(and more if you want it) from some guy you think is a spunk. 🙂

December 30, 2006
5:24 pm
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Tez,

Thank you so much for your post. It is right on time for me.

"When I please others at the expense of another need in me - a need that is mutually exclusive to my need to please others - then I lose again. This is often the case when my intention is to 'people-please'. "

This is interesting because I thought of an analogy today. Lending money. I never loan money with the expectation of getting it back. It is to help the "borrower". I have done this because I have "been there", been broke. I don't get all that bent out of shape when I don't get it back. It's a gift. I dont expect it back.

Now as for people pleasing, and the illusion that I am helping a person with my advice, or what have you? I have felt cheated when it is not returned. I have felt that if I supported someone, I should be able to expect that support in return. It rarely happens that way for me.

This is what I am struggling with now, in the situation with my mother and sister. I finally saw this xmas, as I was cursing and crying in the Mustang, I placed my faith in and relied on the external (family approval) for a sense of strength.

By the way, I gave my daddy (remember, they're not married) a brief rundown of the situation, to explain why I left early, and the man said'"you did the right thing if it was right for you" !!! He is changing, he would never have said that 5 years ago.

Thank you for sharing the two things you are practicing.

Have a Happy New Year- I know you are gonna dance your ass off!!

Aren't you?

December 30, 2006
6:55 pm
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Ahh Tez

I am in love with you. I don't believe I have ever seen you post on Support. Tez? Do you think I am a guy? Testosterone-laden? 🙂

Hey--you rock.

December 31, 2006
7:27 pm
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Tez,

I think I can pull a positive out of the whole holiday brouhaha. I have been thinking about emotional dishonesty. I read a little about that a few weeks ago. It states that in a dysfunctional family, the child that is not acting out is the least honest of those that are. The one that pretends everything is alright, and goes around propping everyone up.

I was honest this time, a little bit honest.

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