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WD--Rationale for marriage
October 26, 2007
10:37 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I am screwing up my courage to ask for dating and courtship advice. I am such a coward. And I am an expert at delaying important conversations. Therefore…

I thought I could warm up and break the conversation into manageable bits with this thread.

I really want to be married. I really want to be a family man.

That raises topics like:

What, am I nuts?! Why would anyone ever want that? What motives are there? Are all of those motives legitimate or honorable or wise?

Is that different for men than for women?

What kind of character and personality and psychological and social issues need to be addressed for a man or a woman who is contemplating married life?

Personally...

I know I entertain myself and motivate myself very well. “Self-actualized,” I think they used to call it. (Others call it hermit-like introversion but I don’t think that is really me, and I want to talk about that.)

I am ambitious in my own geeky way, and really look forward to a life of continued creativity, growing prosperity, and heck, probably delicious fame by the time I'm done here.

But, but, but.

Maybe I would end up being a wiser and more accomplished person, if I did this next stage of life with a …”life partner.”

Hey, I might even end up being happier and healthier, eh?

I must be middle aged, because I feel like I have another 1-2 pages to go before I even get to the subject of another interesting aspect of love and marriage called "sex."

October 26, 2007
11:09 pm
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free
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why do you want to be married and a family man wd?

Are you lonely?

It's all or nothing ya know.

You and I wd, in one of our lives, are gonna get married and have sex on a waterbed. You know that. You're sexy no doubt about it.

anyhow. We'll deal with that when it happens.

There's lots of questions in your post.

How about contemplate the first one. Why get married?

I say, for partnership. To ease the loneliness that we as humans feel. a companion in life.

free

October 27, 2007
12:24 am
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Hi Free,

Yeah, the transcarnational multi-lifetime flirting thing. With reincarnated waterbeds. I heard of that.

That reminds me of my old favorite answer to the question:

Q: If reincarnation is real, why do so many people report "having been" Cleopatra, or John the Baptist, or Jesus Christ

A: Because each of them, just like each of us, *was* Jesus, John, Cleopatra in our previous life.

All life is one.

October 27, 2007
5:22 am
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Hey WD:

From a married, single mom, married aspect I have to say there are pros and cons to each side. At this point in my life, even w/ hubby's hangups, I cannot imagine myself w/o him. But, I will also say there are days I miss bein on my own... no one to answer to, no one to consider other than myself and my kids, no one to fuss at me for this or that, no one reminding me I screw up sometimes. But then, no hubby to look into my eyes and still make me melt and know that all is right w/ my little world, nobody to back me when it's me against the kids, now it's WE and his side of WE does carry some clout, although I don't know why coz he never follows thru w/ discipline. OK, now do I look like as big a basket case as you?

Years ago, and this sounds stupid coz I thought it did even back then, my friend the teenage middle class old maid asked me to do this thing w/ her. It was to sit down and write down everything I wanted in a man, what I wanted in a husband. Every detail from how much money they made to education to car they drive, what they look like including eye color, hair color, size, height, weight, you name it. I did this w/ great reluctance and when I met this hubby I never even looked at that piece of paper folded up and stuffed in my undie drawer. One day I found it and sat down and looked at it and ya know it was my hubby almost totally. Oh, other than the drug thing that was lied about, but 3 or 4 years clean now and I'm not complaining.

Yes, sounds stupid, but try it. You might even go a bit further and write down the pros and cons to bein married. Write down what you have to contribute to a marriage and to a woman vs. what your no-so-good points are. lol, I'm sure there are very few of those.

Anyway, w/ all this ramblin on I'm doin here, maybe in a quicker or more to the point thought. Figure out what it is you want, what you can contribute, what you expect from a woman, etc. Then maybe you'll have a better chance this time of finding the right lady for you. Lord knows you do deserve happiness sir.

Now FYI... Where to meet a "nice" lady. #1 @ a laundromat. #2 at a grocery store, ask a question of the lady passing by. Believe it or not, many couples start out in the produce section. Country singer, has a song about that, all he did was bruise the artichoke hearts or something like that. #3 @ church. Don't pick up a girl at a bar, club, online, or on a nudist beach. Normally those don't work out.

Specially NOT online. My daughter married that guy she met online and now we are finding him online on sites lookin for ladies. Even has opened an account after they married. Not a single word of bein married, of my daughter, or anything. I don't know what to do w/ the info for now coz she would still believe him over us and I don't want to lose her totally. Another problem for another day.

Best to you sir!

October 27, 2007
5:28 am
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Hey, for fun go to yahoo search and put in "how to find a good woman. First thing I had come up was how to find a good dog breeder. lol. Others include how to find a good CPA, a good mechanic, a good appliance repairman, a good therapist. A good woman came in appx number 6. Isn't the internet a true source of information. You can find anything almost.

OK, I found it. "How to find a wife". 389,000,000 postings including a beautiful wife, a godly wife, a russian wife, a marine wife, a navy wife, and we cannot leave out How to find a lost wife.

Just wanted to share.

October 30, 2007
3:25 pm
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WD, bless your heart.

Well, I think people are made for relationship, different degrees of that of course, but I don't think we are meant to be alone.

I can only share my own experience with you:

Work, work, work to get myself healthy...all the while thinking that I had to work, work, work in order to be accepted. Of course my hang ups are 1,000 x's worse in my own mind than reality.

I finally realized that I was workin so hard I was missing out on what was going on around me. So now, I say to hell with it, I am me, this is what I accomplished, this is what I have, and I am going to use it to the best of my ability....keep growing to attract that great person, but not be hung up on it. This has been my revelation.

You are awesome in your own geeky, science minded way. There must be someone just as great out there for you! Start thinking that you will actually meet her...and soon...you know the Law of Attraction, a---aaaa------nnnnnn---dddddd--- (pray!).

Please keep talking here, and keep us ladies posted, ok?

Mucho hugs ((((WD)))

October 30, 2007
3:55 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Hmm..you inquired:

"I really want to be married. I really want to be a family man.

That raises topics like:

What, am I nuts?! Why would anyone ever want that? What motives are there?"

let's turn that around.

Why shouldn't you want to get married? Why shouldn't you want to be a family man? Why shouldn't people want that? What motives are there to NOT get married?

October 30, 2007
4:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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glittered -

WELL SAID!!!!!

- Ma Strong

October 30, 2007
5:32 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Well..thanks. But perhaps I should be clearer lest my post be taken as combative - because that's the last thing I'd want.

I thought if we examined instead the 'reasons" not to get married we'd learn a little more quickly about WDs thoughts about marriage and his implications that it is something that perhaps should be avoided.

Sure some folks get married for the wrong reasons, but that can be said about anything, right? whether it's starting a business, having a child, or as common as eating.

people are pack animals. the nesting and nurturing instincts have been perhaps naturally selected (or godly if one insists) simply because those people were the ones whose children survived and procreated in turn. Cold loners were simply outbred.

people are compulsive communicators. One of the quickest ways to break someone is to isolate them from human interaction.

people crave love...closeness..most infants crave touch and being held. we've all seen a child that would stop crying when held. Ever see the video of the monkeys without mothers, the monkeys with wire surrogate mothers, monkeys with furry surrogates, and monkeys with real mothers? The ones with no mother at all cower in fear at a strange object...the ones with surrogates run to momma for comfort, then examine the object after being reassured (by an inanimate surrogate), the ones with furry surrogates do even better, but the ones with real mothers do best.

I think humans have the same needs and they don't disappear as we age, rather they reinvent themselves. at some point children crave friends for assurance and comfort...then they move on to partners. even churches are collective experiences..sure folks may pray individually, but they worship together. We're social creatures. As such i think the status quo for men and women is to partner up.

October 30, 2007
7:18 pm
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MsGuided
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Reasons to not get married?
_not answer to anyone how you spend your time. You can keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself, on the surface and not have to stay around when there is conflict.
_not have to spend money on others (spouse and kids) so you can afford to have more toys and enjoy with friends or aquaintances.
_no risk of losing any assetts to a spouse and kids if things go wrong.
_to have sex with whoever, whenever you want in a purely lustful manner.

Reasons to get married?
_to share and care for others, through activities, domestic gatherings ( dinner, family games, sharing the couch for movie night)
_ Resolve conflicts and not always be right.
_ to trust enough to bind your finances with another person and obtain more equity and security with that partnership. Tax breaks.
_ To enjoy sex that is committed and done out of love.
_ to sacrifice as an adult to your family, for their well being and security.
_if you have kids, supply them with stability in a co-parent environment thus teaching them respect for the opposite sex.

I just like to cut through the BS!LOL

I'm sure i left something out so add if ya'll like.

November 1, 2007
9:07 pm
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thewall
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I love being married even after 19 1/2 yrs of it and can't imagine Not being married. I think if god forbid my husband died I woould still pursue a marriage. Why, because it works for me. Because I have an easy person to get along with. We have the same goals in life, the same financial goals, the same taste in recreation, the same religious beliefs, pretty much the same decorating taste for the home and of course trust.

I hear a ton of marital stories in my career and have concluded that in order for marriage to really work you both have to have all of those things I just described.

Also at my age of 41 I would never ever get remarried w/o a prenupt. I have worked too hard to save and get where I am financially. God the horror stories I hear about the new spouse running thru the money, borrowing against the 401k, hiding credit cards by sending the bill to a p.o. box or to work, giving it to the kids behind the spouses back, coming home with a new car, etc.

Which reminds me, I dont think I would marry someone with kids either, which would limit my choices I know. Lets hope I am never single again. But I can see why you would want to be married. Some people just arent meant to be alone. me included.

And besides, if you notice, when God created the world, he did start out with 2 people, not one. I think that could be interpreted as God realizing we would all need someone to lean on emotionally, as well as the sexual contact/procreation. God knew we would need another person (whether that be friend, girlfriend, boyfriend , or spouse) to emotionally share the fun times in life and to help get thru the tough times. He was smart that way.

Oh, but here's a hint WD...dont eat the apple. 😉

November 1, 2007
11:05 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I am very gratified at the response to this thread.

You guys are awesome.

I am not curious about how to meet women.

I am curious about my own motives for meeting women.

And I am curious about my motives for desiring marriage.

Sex and marriage is a perennial issue.

I am so lucky. I have had a really wonderful love life and sex life. Really, I have no wild oats left to sow. Truth be told, I am more of a farmer than a sower of wild...anything.

And anymore, I am almost reconciled to a lifetime of celibacy.

I can honestly say that I have mastered my sexuality. And it is not about my genitals. I can channel that energy in lots of creative directions. I love that part of being middle aged.
I am blessed.

I am lucky. I am an intensely creative person--in so many fields. Science, medicine, business, politics, art, music.

I really think I could go solo from now on. And it sure is easier being solo.

But I miss...looking into the eyes of my beloved. I miss being a family man. I miss the web of social relationships that comes with being an intimate partner.

I want to be the best person I can be. And I want to be as happy as I can be. I just have a hunch that I won't really be "putting the pedal to the metal" until I do everything I am doing now, and also give my best effort to being a married man.

I worry about the kind of man I might become if I don't at least try.

November 2, 2007
12:32 pm
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truthBtold
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....well, "Worried Dad".....maybe you just worry a little too much!!!!

Do what'll make you happy.

As far as the rationale of marriage - I am reminded of a great quote from the famous feminist, Gloria Steinem whom did not marry until later in life, and she said: "Getting married is not limiting, in fact it is limitless. It's like having someone permanently in your corner."

Just follow your heart and be open.........(and try not to worry about so many things.......)

November 2, 2007
4:20 pm
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thewall
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It isnt necessary to rationalize everthing we do. Me thinks you think too deeply. ....

Could this be an example of "Paralysis by overanalysis?"

November 2, 2007
11:37 pm
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Hi thewall,

I should send you money.

Yes, paralysis by overanalysis is pretty much the story of my life.

I definitely have used the power of my mighty mind to achieve surpassing acts of foolishness.

I'm trying to get better.

November 3, 2007
4:51 pm
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thewall
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WD,

lol, No money necessary.
Just start relaxing more and thinking less. Easier said than done I know.

Perhaps you could give yourself a time limit on the subject that you are concerned about. For example, dont think about xyz until 6-7pm on a particular nite (kinda schedule your own worry time or therapy session). Then write down all the pros and cons of for or against whatever it is you are worried about at the time. That way you limit your worry time. An hr is more than enough time to focus on something.

Your mind sounds like mine...a lil bit obsessive. When it gets too out of hand for me I limit caffeine intake and start exercising more. In the past zoloft or lexapro has helped. I also do limit my worry/thinking time to an hr a week.

Whew dude, relax, you must be exhausted.

November 5, 2007
11:34 am
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MsGuided
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thewal and WD...I was thinking the same thing "paralysis with overanalysis"

Some of the simple rules of social niceties, and common dating and marriage techniques that have been around for centuries shouldn't be ignored.

WD it sounds like you are talking yourself into intimate seclusion and taking the easy way out...which in turn makes it harder and lonely.

Get out there and search for that connection you miss so much and stop talking yourself out of it!lol

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