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WD Needs to Die ASAP
January 19, 2010
3:40 am
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Worried_Dad
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I think I can morally accomplish it within six months. Hopefully I'll change my mind before then. Emotions are like weather and storms and weather and storm systems pass over in time.

It pisses me off that my obligations are at least six months long.

I have NO Desire to continue occupying this planet. Zip. I see no future for myself.

I want to be dead NOW, not thirty minutes from now, not tomorrow morning, not next Friday.

But noooh, I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. So I have to keep slogging along for at least another six months,

I hate this fucking planet.

Not the people in it. Just the planet.

I hate being a moral person anymore.

January 19, 2010
5:00 am
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CraigCo
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Geez WD,

What's got you feeling this way?

January 19, 2010
8:19 am
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gettnthere
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Well good friends of mine last week lost three kids ( all under ten) and a wife/mother that didn't have the choice-it was an accident. They probably had promises to keep but unfortunately couldn't keep them. That's fucked if ever I was looking for another definition of the word. Not trying to minimise feelings of helplessness-just get some things in perspective.

January 19, 2010
5:50 pm
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gettnthere
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Children of people who commit suicide also live believing they are not worth loving enough to live for. Who could blame them?

January 19, 2010
6:24 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Craig,

You may recall that in May, “H,” my Best Friend of five years ( or so I thought) and my fiancée, betrayed me. I found out she had cheated on me with five men. We agreed to try to patch things up. I’m a forgiving sort. Then she spent three weeks abusing the living shit out of me before dumping me for the guy she was cheating on me with. I got very sick.

Being a Nurse/Research Scientist/Pathologist with an I.Q. of 174 has its disadvantages in that kind of situation. It took me about a minute to devise a suicide method that is painless, close to instantaneous, and leaves a good looking corpse.

My sister was *this close* to having me hospitalized whether I liked it or not. And I was in sad enough condition, she could have pulled it off.

I got better.

It takes me from nine months to nine years to get close enough to a woman to feel “in Love” with her and ready to be sexually intimate. I don’t do casual sex.

Most of my relationships have been healthy and satisfying, and most of the women I broke up with, it was an amicable breakup. But I have I’ve survived three abusive relationships. It takes me a long time to recover from each one, and every time it happens it takes longer.

After what “H” put me through I figured that I would never trust a woman again and even if I learned to trust women it would take me 9 months to 9 years after that to fall in love again. That would make me almost 60 years old.

But there was another woman who I already loved and trusted We were engaged five years ago we were separated from by comedy of errors. I’ve been searching for her since then. I thought it a miracel when she contacted me around December 1st and it turned out we still had feelings for each other. See thread “WD finds live…again.”

Every day since “L” contacted me we have spoken on the phone for hours. We have been developing a business together and we have seriously been talking marriage. She agreed that she would be unavailable to other men--including her on again-off again ex boyfriend, “J” who she has been friends with for 20 years. They have been “off” this year.

So “J” called her up on Friday am, saying he was coming to visit her with a surprise. He arranged care for “L’s” son David took her to a nice restaurant and proposed marriage. “L” accepted. She is moving to West Virginia next week. He is a wealthy and powerful man who can do a lot for her and her handicapped son and she has wanted to marry him for 20 years. I can see where she is coming from.

But this feels like a pretty bad betrayal. I believe in promise keeping.

Darn it, the guy has been treating her badly for five years. Now that he saw his only competition (me) was in the game again he suddenly purs on the cash and charm.

Darn it, I was in line ahead of him. He could have most any woman in the world. But he chose the one woman I can ever be with. Christ on a unicycle.

I am not going to commit suicide. That would be stupid and wrong. And I don’t really want to die. I just don’t want to live either.

January 19, 2010
6:24 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi gettnthere,

Yes suicide/parasuicide runs in my family.

We're a moody lot.

January 19, 2010
7:04 pm
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soofoo
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Oh man WD that is a very rough break.

WD, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and once I made a serious (and really emotional) attempt and it involved failed love relationships so I feel you.

I will give you my standard argument against suicide. You can always do it later, but you can never undo it. So hold on. These feelings will pass.

Take a run or a hike, scream your head off, get it out and have a nice long cry. Distract yourself. It isn't going to feel this bad for 9 years. Even if that is the total time of recovery (and I doubt it) there will be happiness and meaning in between the fits of anger and despair.

And there is anger. But I didn't seem angry because I was directing it all back at myself. Something was being killed, and I felt like it was me. My love wanted me dead and therefore I wanted the same. The relationship was dying, but I was not. I was expressing that death.

Anyway, I am glad I failed. It is interesting that after my real attempt, I no longer struggled with the severe urge to kill myself.

Love and hugs and hope you feel better really soon.

January 20, 2010
5:47 pm
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CraigCo
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WD,

Hope your feeling a bit better

January 20, 2010
8:17 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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I was worried about you WD and it seems I was right, but then....this too, shall pass.

Bitsy

January 21, 2010
4:19 pm
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truthBtold
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WD,

With an IQ of 174, have you ever looked into perhaps a MENSA singles group, if such a thing exists?

You know, I am really glad to hear that you are not thinking about suicide anymore!

When you talk about 9 months to 9 years, do you think that maybe you just might be limiting yourself just a tad, suffocating a little natural spontenaity of a future opportunity which might present itself because of this stringent timeline you have set for yourself?

Just a thought.......

January 21, 2010
11:42 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi TruthBtold,

Hmmm...MENSA dating. Gotta look into that.

My personal ads tend to get a lot of responses, which is interesting because I am a pretty plain looking guy. But it takes me a long time to fall in love.

But hey, the excercise program continues to go well. That is what I am doing instead of antidepressants, which will be my last resort. I really don't want to take SSRI's.

I just got tested and am 15% body fat which and I'm getting to be pretty strong.

January 24, 2010
11:20 pm
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armyleo
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WD,

Why not take antidepressants? I've never taken them until 3 months ago, and stopped (only took them for a month) because I was afraid of getting addicted/however I felt better. Now,I noticed I'm slowly sinking back into my old frame of mind.

I fought taking them, all my life. Maybe I should reconsider, I have an appt., with a psychiatrist to start me on ?SSRi never been to one. Now I might change my mind.

January 24, 2010
11:55 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi armyleo,

SSRI's just scare me. I dont want the side effects, one of which is SUCICIDE!

Dont want the withdrawal, either.

January 28, 2010
9:54 pm
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MsGuided
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Keep up with the exercise WD.

Joining a Mensa club would be up your alley.

AND if you find a local woman, face to face, no commute, no long distance, it's easier to "keep it real".

Forget the SSRI's. ;0)

January 30, 2010
9:15 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hi MsGuided,

The excercise is good. Just moved up to pressing two 55 lb dumbells. Grrr!

As far as women go...every drop of romance and sex drive has been crused from my body.

I am through with women.

January 30, 2010
10:36 am
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MsGuided
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Wd.
I'll give you my perspective.

"You can't hold close what is far away, and what is far awy can't hold you"

The last 2 romances you had were long distance. You knew these 2 women before but when you resumed the romance it was long distance.

It has to be face to face WD! It looks to me, although you want intimacy, the fear inside of you is gravitating to situations that are bound to fail. ( ok genius, I'm having a "block" for the specific word)

.....and these woemn had a chance to work on all of their options with you far away.

Your sabotaging yourself due to some unhealed fears inside. What you feared came true. Your subconcious insecurites are ruling here.

I'm not an educated psychologist ( obviously) but a lifetime of experience, reading, and observing has taught me a few things.

I think you can get past your fears if you realize what i wrote above.

Give yourself time to heal, then start face to face, with someone local. All of your senses need to be involved.

You can have that family (((WD)))

January 30, 2010
4:31 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi MsGuided,

Well, the guy that ended up with her was also long distance from her.

I don't think it's the distance.

I think it's just human nature. Women's nature anyway. LEast the women I end up with.

Some people are promise keepers, others are not.

And I just don't know how to pick'em.

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