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WD Invites you...
April 5, 2005
6:27 pm
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Juanita
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Me? A life? hmmm. Fancy that... I didn't even mention about the Belly Dancing Recital (Hufla) I'm gonna be in next month.... stop laughing...... no - I'm serious - I see you smirking! ah-huh, you read right. b-e-l-l-y dancing... MOI!
What can I say? If you've got the equipment, might as well make use of it. (you're giggling!) I'm not all that bad either, if I do say so myself. I'd have to say so - no one has ever saw me dancing - not even my spouse! Didn't think I'd be that kind of brave person did you? I do possess a teeny tiny wild streak that flares up once in a blue moon. Who knows - I may still get stage fright as they are putting me in the front row! (Eek)

All fun stuff aside WD. The few people I get involved with here, I really do care about and think about beyond my time on the computer screen. You and your son have been on my mind a long time. Tender, naive, and simplistic I may be (that is in part by choice), but if I could mend your heart and soul, I would try. From everything I have read about you, you are an exceptional guy. One who should be treated like a gem. I am truly sorry for all the pain you have experienced in your life. You have no idea that I have cried over your pains. Helpless, I feel, in aiding your healing. All I can offer are my words and sentiment. Does that help, I sometimes wonder? I'd like to think that I have a positive effect on you. You could use some 'positive' input I think. You deserve a woman who makes you feel special. Wanted, needed, and loved.

I better stop before you call me a 'mush ball'.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've been thru enough without adding self-inflicted torment in there... it is a vicious cycle with no positive outcome. I speak from experience on this - I'm a pro at beating myself up.

If I may suggest - strum me a tune tonite on your fire escape (if I remember right). Play me your favorite tune, & I will try very hard to hear it from across the miles. Put your heart and soul into it & then write me about it (just in case my hearing slips). Music speaks to the soul, and helps you heal.

God bless you WD.
Your friend,
Juanita

April 5, 2005
11:08 pm
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Juanita
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11 pm. East Coast. Are you playing your guitar ?

April 6, 2005
1:07 pm
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Juanita
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You are on my mind.
Hope you are ok.

April 6, 2005
1:58 pm
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Ren'ai,

Jumping on this thread to write back to your posting on the thread WD wants to bury. I just wanted to say what you wrote was so well put and I so agree with you. I think it did help others who read our events up here and every one gives a different slant on what we say. Good job!

Hope you are dooing well in your life as I hear your grndson is giving you worry and heartache, which your family is on my prayer list, whith sending you warm and positive thoughts as well.

Sew

April 6, 2005
10:06 pm
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Juanita
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ah WD ....

I had popped in on my lunch break. I know you are probably taking a breather and working on yourself. In reading your other thread, I found information I never knew which I'll not go into for you. (As my time is very limited for reading - it takes me a while to catch up sometimes.) So, as this is fresh in my brain, and I have some time - welcome into my brain that really isn't taking the time to edit what comes out. (yes, you may say, 'oh no' or 'oh-oh')

As tired as you may be of my compliments - you have impressed me, greatly so. You are one heck of a man to have survived all you have gone thru.

I wonder, as us females sometimes do ... (and I must caution I am on new medication now that affects my moods - physical health reasons, not depression) what would you have thought of someone like me when you were a young man in school? Please don't fret over that thought, though, and don't read any unreasonable emotion into that. Part of it is my own inner reflection with past decisions I've made, and part of it is the desire for you to have had a grounded, sturdy, loving woman at your side. One that would have lifted you up. I'd almost type the word "adore" - but as you may recall from my past threads and own issues, that word isn't readily in my vocabulary any more. I just wish you would have had someone nicer in your life.

Very simply put, you deserved someone so much 'more'. This word resounds within my own brain - launching my own thoughts & questioning about if I am 'enough' the way I am. Thinking, listening to you, someone like me could have been that 'more'. Weird in my own head.... melancholy? How can I explain without sounding, well, weird?? I'll blame the Prednazone. You deserved someone gentle and soothing, supportive and giving. So many times I think those qualities in myself are not enough - but yet, that is my opinion of what you needed. Somehow, that makes me feel more like 'enough'. Not that I, personally, ever could have been that to you ... don't get me wrong. I just wish you would have had that.

Do you remember the other man from my threads? He was another man I thought could have benefited from a stable, sturdy, practical woman. One he could have attached to and grown from. You remind me of him in certain ways. (Medical interests, love of music.) I still harbour some of those thoughts that I was not enough for him as he moved on & left. I still harbour thoughts that I am/was/and potentially will not be 'enough' where I am, my own insecurity. Your comment that some men would give a left n*t for a woman like me warms my heart and heals some of the hurts I've felt. I know my spouse says his comments were meant in a total fantasy way - but my self esteem was rocked in a big way.

Wondering, if someone like you would have met someone like me a long time ago... perhaps that combination of people and personalities would have blended well, at times being a complimentary angle to one another, at other times, a supplementary angle to one another. I get the impression you never would have brought up some of the stuff I've heard, and I definitely never would have behaved or treated you in such ways.... other times I think, nah... such a man would not have even given me a passing glance ... and thereby launches me back into my 'enough' reel.

Just wishing you didn't experience what you did.

You should see the gerbils working their feet off inside my brain - their Union Rep is complaining for me to give them a rest. My humor coming to my aid.

Basically, I think I can finally sum all these words up as a simple wish that you, nor I, had gone thru what we did. Mine is/was no where near what you endured, so my respect and admiration for you is ever present.

Be well dear man. Allow some goodness to wash over and into your soul.

You are worthy, you are worthy, you are worthy ...

I am stable, sturdy, loving, practical, and strong ...

Hoping you understand what I'm trying to convey.

Its late, & my brain is tired.

Good nite Friend.

April 6, 2005
10:59 pm
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raissa
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hello worried dad,

It is truly wonderful to read your threads inspiring and truthful, It seems like you have gone throught hell and hopefully back.
I was also in a very abusive relationship in the past and the emotional damage will stay with me forever, It is a slow death to the soul at least it was for me the constant need to make this person love me was draining.
Years later I can look back not with anger but sadness if that makes any sense!
I find myself at times pushing my present husband to act like my Ex did it may be because thats the way I have been thought to love or maybe thats the only way I know how to love, Regardless of why I strugle everyday in my life.
I strive for my day to be productive and happy wich you may understand at times is really hard, I feel like I ma leaving raissa's reality while the whole world is leaving their own.
keep posting it really helps people like me.
Thank you again,

April 7, 2005
3:14 am
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Hi Juanita,

Well, I certainly have wondered what my life would have been like if I had...made better choices in my life.And I do hope to catch up with you about how it has been going with your husband. I presume you are still married although he seemed determined to wreck things last I recall.

You know, I haven't picked up my guitar for months, silly me. I've mainly been arranging and engineering and producing music. Oh, and singing.

April 7, 2005
3:33 am
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raissa,

I completely understand the slow death thing. I hope I'm inspiring someone to something. I guess mt hope is that if everyone who knows something about the hideous disease of abuse, and teaches just 1-2 other people about it, maybe their children, that eventually there will be some critical mass....Well, I'm being idealistic here.

I hear you about the struggle to get through a day. I think of it as "pretending" to be happy and optimistic and energetic. It actually sort of works. At least it gets me out of bed in the morning, keeps me productive at work, and makes me function at least in some social contexts as...the kind of man I really want to be.

My anger at "D" mainly has to do with her treatment of our child. For what happened between us I alternate between deep sadness and...a kind of bewilderment I guess. The important thing is that I no longer give in to the temptation to ask "why?"

But when I see other people going through hell, especially when their torment is facilitated by "professionals," then I still get angry.

April 7, 2005
8:33 am
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raissa
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Dear worried dad,

I tell my present husband when he ask about my Ex that I felt like a pretty painting on the wall looking out, Everyone once in a while my Ex would dust the picture do what he need to do and walk away, The constant screaming,putdowns,etc.
I will spent my life putting all the puzzles together I really dont want my boys to ever feel like this.
I am not without blame "for there to be an oppresser there has to be oppresee"
being the victim was my choice no matter how much it hurts I know I allowed to happen.

April 7, 2005
1:29 pm
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Yes, I am still with my husband. He has sworn up and down that all that he spoke of, and encouraged me to do, was meant purely as fantasy. Didn't seem like that back then.

As mentioned before, the man whom I was friendly with, and with whom my spouse encouraged a deeper friendship with, is gone.

More or less, life has returned to 'normal'. Spouse doesn't have someone to direct me to, or tease/instigate me about. I do have the knowledge that any time I may become attracted to someone I have all grand permission to do as I'd like though. That strangely hurts though.

Most of the scars have healed I think. I guess the worst 'scar' I carry is the wondering why I am not enough as I am, by myself, for my spouse. Honestly, I do not understand how what he brought up is attractive. Most men do not even want other men to look at their wives in an interested way, much less anything else. My spouse tells me to take his views and opinions as a compliment. He says he loves me sooo much, I can have anything, or anyONE I want. Funny, I never asked for anyONE - not until he brought it up. As tortured and as sick as it sounds, I did come to 'want' my friend, and I let him know that too. At first to hurt him, then just as an acceptance of truth. Feeling as if I were not 'enough' at home, perhaps this other man would find me 'enough' or more.... At least, perhaps, 'enough' to break convention and have an affair. By definition, wouldn't that qualify me as 'more'? Warped, I know. Looking for love in the wrong place. Still, he is gone, and I can't help but feel to blame myself instead of recognizing he was a smart man to keep away from this powder keg. At one point, I was thinking of an alternate life style, that's how sad I had become. Sadly, as some woman feel, I don't think if things got bad enough I still wouldn't leave, not unless I had a plan or place to go. Couldn't make it on my own income wise.

But, temptation (my friend) is gone, my spouse has re-canted some of the things he said. His open permission for me to have a boyfriend/affair has been recalled apparently. Sad 'ha' - if I do anything, he wants to be there. (as if)

So, here I am. Same place. Almost back to normal so long as I don't dwell on certain subjects. The word "adore" is one I do not use anymore sad to say. At least I can genuinely smile at my spouse now, so that's a positive mood on my part.

I am sure someone will agree with my spouse that what he has spoken of is a sign of true love. However ... probably as my own problem, for someone will tell me I must be insecure... I have difficulty viewing it this way and just feel a slight fear that someday this marriage won't work b/c he will become interested in someone more adventureous, capable of doing back flips, splits, and whatnot in the bedroom with extras.

Confession is - I miss having that adoring feeling. Another one is, my passion level has slipped, and I miss that too. Third one is, I am tired of everything being left up to me romantically and physically.

Thing is, now, after all this - he says he is too afraid to do or say something wrong. I am left to be the aggressor if I want or need anything. Also, these many many months of antibiodics have had their icky female side affect that well, has limited my (nicely put) 'receiving' ability. So, while he may be 'receiving' X amount, I am receiving lets just say less.

I feel like I am venting again, and I am. Reason I am sad and lonely lately must have to do with the above paragraph.

Do you know that I give back massages, message his tired feet and legs, with being asked? I offer (nice things) without being asked, and I'm sure you know what I mean. Do you know how rare it is for me to receive a back rub that lasts more than 60 seconds? If I'm in the mood and try to kiss him (encouragingly), he giggles! Shit, isn't that just a mood enhancer?

Blah. sorry, sorry, sorry. Pitiful problems to complain about.

I just have to get my spunk up and be more aggressive I guess. Females do like to be pursued though - to feel wanted, desired, pretty - I am no different I guess. Stupid vainity.

So, in the Yin & Yang of things, my mind balances out these above problems as my own self-esteem being lacking... that otherwise, I have a good man and a good marriage. Basically, as ever, the problem is my own to deal with. The problem is my interpretation of things, and my insecurities. I am the one who continues to need to change and grow.

So, you see, I still have work to do. Mostly I fake it till I make it, & concentrate on other things.

Lunch is done - have to run. Sorry this was such a one sided posting.

Please tell me more about your music and singing. I'd like to hear about that.

J

April 7, 2005
10:15 pm
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Juanita
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whoops - type-o. 'give massages WITHOUT being asked' I meant to type...

I'm just tired of offering things, and in turn having to ask for those same type of things. (again with my 'well' analogy)

I've said it once before to someone long ago. I'm tired of begging and will not do it anymore. I shouldn't have to ask repeatedly for certain affectionate things. I won't do it any more, even if that means a part of me disappears inside. Don't get me wrong - I do get my daily morning and when I get home hug, kiss, & 'I love you'... every day. Perhaps I am too greedy wanting that hug or kiss to last a little longer than 1.3 seconds. Woody Wood Pecker kisses don't thrill, sorry.

I am pooped emotionally and physically. (Having a 2 yr old getting me up nightly isn't exactly condusive to a good nite' rest be it nightmares, leg cramps, sniffles, or whatnot)

Every year we usually go away for a early Spring w/e reprieve... Usually I'm the one tracking down leads, making inquiries, booking things... a romantic grown up w/e, family camping trips. I have no oomph to plan this stuff so far. Usually by this time each year - both of our vacations and one long 'romantic' w/e are planned and booked by now - but this year - I've done absolutely nothing so far. No w/e's, no vaca's... no oomph.

Juanita's own 'well' is running low right now. Hoping some Spring rain will add back into my supply.

So, again, tell me something about you WD that is pleasant please. About your music engineering & producing ... your singing ... what you like ... a favorite something or another. Let's get our minds off our troubles.

I'd love to learn to play the drums and take up karate some day... that's what i'd like to do. Oh yes, and take one of those courses on how to drive a race car around a track really really fast... isn't that a unique combo on top of my belly dancing?

Go figure me out... who'd have known?

April 7, 2005
11:20 pm
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raissa,

Well, you certainly got squashed. Pancake girl.

You know, I have heard that there are some prople who ask for punishment, but I believe that is the exception rather than the rule. Abusers use many tricks to harm their victims. One trick is the suprise attack. Another trick is called "hope" and "trust."

Victims usually dont know whats happening to them until they have been damaged enough that their debility makes it hard for them to change their situation. Don't blame yourself at all. I don't believe you asked to be abused. You just probably had trust and hope. Then you had denial. Then you might have gone through a period of feeling helpless or paralyzed.

If the guy had been staright and just said "Hey, I think I would like to treat you like shit until you lose your soul, what do you say?" You would have told him bugger off.

April 7, 2005
11:36 pm
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Hi Juanita,

Geez, backrubs are one of the main reasons to be married. Hey, try taking a massage class together. Nothing inspires giving massages like the desrie to have your own neck fixed. Except for love, of course.

I've been learning how to produce music all on the computer. What with the new, fast computers, a lot of equipment that used to cost thousands of dollars can now be squeezed into my PC on the cheap.

So now I'm learning a new level of sculpting recorded sounds, like voice and piano and gutar. And I'm learning a lot about how to inspire and coach an artist into giving their best performance.

I'm learning how much I don't know about arranging music. Most importantly, I'm learning a lot about how my ears work.

I've been sending the songs via email to e-pen-pals at the four corners of the world to get feedback. I just did one called "The Heart Is Still Lonely," where I had to fill in for the female vocalist who quit on us. The song is about a man who would rather work late and then cruise the street for hookers than spend time with his wife, and how both of them end up miserable.

It is gratifying that non-native English speaking people in the Former Soviet Republic of Georgia, China, as well as folks from Iowa and Minnesota all have the same thing to say about it: "It made me feel sad."

Yes! Sadness is what I was shooting for with that song. If they had just said "the singing sucks," that would be another thing. I guess my singing is ok. If my art can make at least one person feel depressed, then my sacrifice will not have been in vain.

April 8, 2005
12:44 pm
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Juanita
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If people are interpreting your art the way in which you meant it to be - Success! You accomplished your goal of communicating and being understood. What kind of style music do you like to play? Rock , jazz, country ?? All? Excellent for you to be so creatively minded. Do you play other instruments beside guitar and keyboard? I recall harmonica too... What is your goal, or is that a multi-level goal? I am happy with your success! Yay! If you ever 'break thru' and makes some CD's - how will I ever know?? I mean, how many good looking, long haired, brunette, musicians are there? Ei-yi-yi ... I'm gonna have to look up that description thread we did a long time ago. Have you altered your appearance any? (you know how us women love musicians - should I start to salivate yet? - teasing, teasing)

Massage classes? Good idea, but no go, won't fly. It didn't work when I was pregnant & lamaze courses said to do it. (If carrying an extra 20 lbs and having ankles as big as bowling balls didn't work, there's no good excuse now.) It is one of those things that I feel is much nicer when offered & is a surprise than when asked for. Funny thing is too - he used to fight me about my giving him them. Meaning he didn't want them; made him feel weak to receive one. When we had a group of family & friends over and I massaged about 5 different backs/necks/shoulders - they said to him "You are so lucky!", I replied "No, he doesn't like me giving them". Well, all 5 people told him he was nuts. Since then, he allows me to go ahead and massage when I want. I feel good when I help him to feel good. Don't understand why that doesn't seem to reciprocate though. Whatever... If you are ever in dear ol' MA, you'll have to take Rte 2 West and get off at Exit #___ , go straight at the set of lights, left at ____ Restaurant, right at _____ St, and 4th house on the right (gray)... If I don't answer the door - go around back to the POOL! And, if I do say so myself, I do a wicked awesome job.... no 60 second thing either.

🙂

April 8, 2005
4:00 pm
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Hello!!!

And sorry for the weird intrusion, I just put on some internet radio, etc, and saw your post Juanita. I just want to say, I'm laughing, and pretty hard at that (I must have snapped a brainwire), and I haven't laughed much the last couple of days, so thank you. I think you know why I'm laughing, you 2 are funny up here sometimes. If you don't know why, it's cuz of the fake directions again, like you did a long while ago and I pounced on you. So, Thanks for making me laugh at myself, and just in general. Have a good weekend.

April 8, 2005
10:16 pm
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Juanita
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SC,

Glad I can make some one laugh. That's good. I was worried you were gonna pounce on me. Must confess you had me wondering about that brain snapping thing .... Make me smirk about remembering those directions though. Must have made an impression on you. Did you notice we both live in gray houses? Except, mine in certain light looks completely PINK! Didn't LOOK pink in the paint can - looked taupe... but it sure is pink now! eesh. Leave it to me & mine.

Remind me to tell you about my crazy Komakazee Beta Fish I have at home sometime (he leaps out of his bowl trying to attack me), my Gladiolas that grow in the basement (without light or SOIL mind you), and son, age 2, who apparently LIKES to run around with poop in his diaper .... eeewWW! And, you have always known about my strange, (?), eccentric, not-so-conventionally thinking spouse. What can I say?

I tell you - I have a backwards household.

If I give the REAL directions here, they will lead you to the Bermuda Triangle where the weather is NOT tropical, but definitely unpredictable - kinda like New England. Flyer saucer is hovering in my driveway too.

Lord help me. I'm in for a hell of ride aren't I?

Saw an ex-boyfriend yesterday (oh, yes, I was the girl who dumped him), and actually heard from my male 'friend' referenced above earlier TODAY ... He told me his ex-gf met a man in a bar and has since become engaged to that man within a month.

The computers at work, don't work. The customers mysteriously tell me they own 1 dirtbike, but their spouse recalls owning 3 dirtbikes, 2 jetskis, and 2 boats. Hmmm, now where did he HIDE all of those toys? * Another woman said she lived in a one level home, but when I went to look at it - It was a 2 story - she forgot about that ADDITION! * A young man became a 79 yr old woman at the Registry when he registered his MOTORCYCLE. * And my parents stopped by my office, not once, but twice today b/c they are worried about me & swear I have a twin in town that's looking pretty haggered (they actually followed the woman too!).

Oh, and my Beta fish at work keeps ramming the tank to get my attention, and flaring at me cuz I'm just such a cutie.

What happened to my World? Can anyone tell me?

Thank God for humor. I laugh everytime I belly dance. After all, Santa has a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly & everyone likes HIM... why not me?

Pass the ice cream and battery operated back massager... Jammies here I come.

April 9, 2005
11:44 pm
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Just checking in on you WD ... sending a warm thought your way.

Had an awful night's sleep last nite - (brought to mind concern for your sleep) Had the strangest dream/s I can recall.

Feeling lost, feeling like someone I knew with no face was trying to find me and open me up ... driving up a curvey road with steep mountain walls trying to dodge huge bouncing snow/ice/rock bolders, my spouse and our attractive/divorced/drunk/blonde/stacked/tatooed neighbor in the car - me driving. We made it to the top of the mountain to see a show. All 3 of us were going to see Tim Conway ... Tim himself gave us the tickets in the lobby, directions of where to sit, and a plate full of cheese, crackers and fruit. I looked at that with a 'what the hell is going on here?' and woke up.

If anyone can figure out what the heck that dream interprets into - I'd like to see them do that!

Figured I would share ... it might make you laugh a little bit. The first part wasn't bad, but then I think I went off the deep end!

Many well wishes sent your way WD. You have been in my thoughts & concerns heavily of late. I hope that some of my inane sharings here make you smile and bust you into a different thought pattern for a bit.

Juanita

April 10, 2005
11:40 am
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Juanita,

A fish is in love with you and a flying saucer is hovering in your driveway? THat's real good. He we could make a song out of this.

Ok, your dream...

Actually, this ones a real head scratcher. You start out with a sense of foreboding or fear...The twisty hazardous road is maybe about obstacles and hazards in your path of life...Meanwhile you are having to do the driving to get eveyone to their destination, while hubby flirts with threatening attactive woman....your path finally leading to...a lighter heart at the end--a comedy show?

And Tim Conway, is, of course the ancient archetypal symbol for sexual energy....

April 10, 2005
6:07 pm
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Hey there WD,

A song... about my bizarre brain paths? Oh my, you ARE ambitious and BRAVE. You will have to send me the lyrics you think up. See if you make me laugh or cry.

And, yes, for real, my Beta Fish attempted to jump into my hands as I fed him - he startled the b-jeezes out of me. No one had heard me shreak that loud in a long time.

My dream .... feeling lost and lonely and then someone mysterious finding me and attempting to open me up & get to know me - a feeling of excitement and anticipation of something new. That part makes sense to me - the first part is how I feel sometimes - lost/lonely, and then what I hope to happen, a return of happpy excitement, thrill, or passion.. something more than basic monotone existence. Kind of like the anticipation of the petals of Springs' first bloom opening (I am so looking forward to my tulips & daffodils blossoming - they are my favorites).

Egotistical you think? Wanting to re-awaken those 'spring-like' feelings in me? Is it too late I wonder, is this mid-life and settling? Afraid there won't be 'more' in my life. Will it get better?

The rest of my dream, I don't know... dodging obstacles (what kind I'm not sure), feeling as the 'responsible' one for everything (as I do), while hubby has 'fun'.... perhaps you are right on the money there. Hubby does want to have fun, that's for sure. A lighter heart - perhaps my sense of humor on automatic pilot saving me again?

BUT - Tim Conway? "the ancient archetypal symbol for sexual energy" ??? oh come on! Pleaseeeee tell me I am NOT that desperate for some good sex! I maybe becoming more attracted to shorter men now - but Tim Conway?? I used to like my men big and tall (close to 6' with broad shoulders, trim waist), but now I realize 5'7" is pretty darn good too ... but TIM CONWAY??? Sheesh. I could see Tom Selleck, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, Steve Irwin ... I'd even tease you some, but I'd get into trouble with SC (& I'm not sure how'd you take it) - you know the whole romantic image of a musician and all... and one trying to write a song about me?? Make me swoon! Someone thinking of me .... goosebumps ... even if it does involve jumping fish and flying saucers!

BUT WHERE did my deprived Brain and Body go to get Tim Conway?!? I must need more fixing than I originally thought.

😉 Help & Fix me WD .... explain to me how my warped mind is working ... (I do say this with a smile on my face - no one can figure me out I fear)

As always, curious,

Juanita

April 10, 2005
6:39 pm
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Juamita

Oh yes, it's common knowledge.

Throughout history, there are numerous refreences...there was an ancient Egyptian fertility cult that worshiped Tim. And of course Mexican pyramids have many images of him--always associated with crops and or sexuality. And of course the cave paintings in France with the drawings of ample hipped, large breasted women--always being looked over by Tim Conway.

And don't you get those annoying spam letters from T#%[email protected]*&M***C-#N^^W&*a^%#Y.com?

They don't call them "Tim Conway" pills for nothing.

April 11, 2005
11:31 am
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Worried_Dad
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I want to say a little more about people who have felt ignored by me. I want you to really here me that you ought not to take it personally. If your post doesn't say "WD what do you think" or if your post is not either asking a question about abuse or responding to a question about abuse, then it is likely to slip beaneath my radar, that's all.

I enjoy many of the kinds of interactions I've had here, but I do have a focus. There are just a few places here (like this thread, and other liberation brew threads) where I feel like engaging in anything like chit-chat.

There is an undeclared war on and it is being waged by people who are not well intended against people who love them and trust them. My part in this war is to fight ignorance and apathy.

And it takes a lot of concentration for me to be able to do that. After what I have been through, it is easy for me to slip into a kind of hopless, helpless hysteria. The way I fight that tendency in myself is to try to assume an analytical and clinical tone. I don't like it when I get...well, upset. I'm glad I have a place to vent here, but I don't like it when I have too. IT's so undignified.

I am an integrator and synthesiser, but am not the author of the things I teach. I do not therefore require praise and I certainly do not seek acolytes.

I've just read some books and articles, and I have seen how that information corresponds to my own life and to events in the lives of others. Anyone who wants my references, only has to ask. You too, can read this material, and I hope that some of you will, and having learned these things then fulfill your responsibility as good citizens to transmit the information to others in need.

Now you know what it takes to get my attention. It takes either direct engagement or posting on topic.

April 11, 2005
1:03 pm
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Juanita
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Are you sure you are not getting the Dick Clark Ancient Drawings/pill mixed up with the Tim Conway ones? Last I knew, it was dear ol' Dick who didn't age ... unless Tim slipped in under radar?

Wanted to apologize to you too WD... I have not been myself lately. Fear the Dr was right when he said the Prednazone would make me moody. It is not up to you or anyone to fix me - whether I said that in teasing/jest or not, I still should not have said that. There are still some things I am working on here in my life, and that can only be figured out by me. Unfortunately, I can be especially slow to analyze myself when it comes to my own wants & needs. Not your problem .... but I do like 'chatting' with you, and appreciate the interaction - whatever the topic may be - you needing a lift or me. So, forgive me if I treat you more as a regular friend than I ought to at times... I know you are here with a mission, and I think you are invalueable here, helping many.

J

April 11, 2005
1:40 pm
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raissa
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Dear Worried_Dad,

I do not therefore require praise and I certainly do not seek acolytes.!

How do I get to this point? I would love to stop caring about what people think of me.

April 11, 2005
11:24 pm
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Juanita
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Raissa,

Please read 'smack in the kisser' - it will help shed more light onto WD's post above.

WD -

May I ask you, for sometimes this concerns me - if/when I get more 'playful' or heaven forbid, flirtatious, with you ... does that bother you or trigger you in any way? I've been afraid to ask in the past, but I would never want to do anything to cause you discomfort. I like you a great deal & think highly of you. You've mentioned triggers in the past, certain words or topics, and have mentioned that sometimes a compliment is harder to accept that a hurt. Does this mean a compliment can trigger you in a way? I only seek to help you heal within, and assure you that you are a good man. So, if ever my teasing or playful ways upset you or hurt you - promise you would let me know? I love to have a playful personality & it doesn't get to sparkle like it used to, so forgive me when/if I try to sparkle unwantedly on you. I just think you need some gentle sparks (rays of sunshine?) sent your way, but that is my opinion, from warmth, support & friendship.

You may sound clinical and be more comfortable in statistics at times, but I have seen lovely glimpses of the inner you. One who takes time and puts forth a lot of energy in sharing himself. That is called having compassion and caring, two very powerful emotions. You have many many positives within yourself. I am just here to point them out every now and again to remind you of that. Perhaps, someday, in my naive world, my pointing out your goods will help soften some trigger points? Cushion you, wrap you in some goodness, protect you from further hurt. I wish I could bring some ease to your soul somewhat...

You have no idea how sincere that sentiment is.

If only I were that powerful.

April 12, 2005
8:52 am
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Juanita,

Thank you for asking.

I like you. And you have made me uncomfortable a couple of times. I guess the original discomfort goes back to the infamous "flirting" thread. My discomfort there was that I was trying to address your husband's insane attempts to pressure you into doing something outside of your marriage. My advice to you was to really make the effort to keep things inside the marriage.

I definitely have wanted to praise you for being a conscientious wife who wanted to make her marriage a happy one. And I wanted to let you know that a "normal" man would be appreciative of your efforts. I wanted you to feel my warmth.

And I also wanted you to focus on your marriage. I'm not saying that your husband is the ultimate end all be all, or that you are required to stay in that marriage, but we were, after all, talking about how to help that marriage. So I did get a bit uncomfortable when the flirting seemed a little too...personal or something.

I think people can safely share warmth, energy and positive regard here. Sometimes, that even feels like attraction, and it can be ok to express that, too. But this is, after all, an anonymous board and it is not only impossible, but undesirable for individuals here to actually know each other. In the biblical sense, as well.

Your more recent "invitation" to folow a fanciful set of directions leading to a house with a flying saucer hovering over the driveway was okay--because it was just so silly and funny. God knows I need the laughs. And the prospect of getting a cyber back rub at the end of the journey was not only harmless, but appealing. I've got this left shoulder thing going that is killing me.

I am not comfortable with recieving praise about my soul, character, whatever it is. I am comfortable with recieving affirmation about my actions or words, or ideas or reasoning. That could look like

I agree with WD.

WD has a good point there.

WD's reasoning seems sound to me.

or even

I checked WD's references and he is not completely full of shit on this one.

It's not that I don't need affirmations of my essential goodness from time to time, and I appreciate your knowing of me as a good man, which I am desperately trying to be.

The major "triggers" for me involve abuse. I am particularly sensitive to victim blaming, or being shamed about my sexual identity. And I am particularly easy to trigger when I hear something that sounds like collusion with abusers--making excuses for them or something. I quickly lose my composure and dignity when I encounter those triggers, and it is darn embarrasing.

You Juanita, have not ever triggered me in that way, and I am grateful for that.

So I just ask that behavior that might be considered "flirtatious" be respectful of the anonymity of the group, and be generously leavened with sillyness, satire and humor.

My answer to the "problem" of "flirtatiousness" here was presented as an argumetum ad absurdem which I actually wrote for you Juanita, and was a thread entitled "The Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name" or something like that. My point being, it is all well and good to have fun with online friends, but we have to be realistic about the outcome.

I still think it is funny to consider the idea of cyber romances leading to virtual marriages and virtual children, though.

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