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WD, and Y'all>>>>HAVE ANY JOKES TO SHARE?
June 7, 2005
3:43 pm
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on my way
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"Oh, and Sd, I'm not sure whether to ask for the Salvation or the Presbyterian."

I CANNOT stop laughing over this!!!

Feels so-o-oo- good to laugh!!

June 7, 2005
7:33 pm
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sdesigns
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I used to be Catholic but am turning into Salvation Army. UGH

June 7, 2005
7:41 pm
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ROFL!!!!

June 7, 2005
7:41 pm
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ROFL!!!!

June 8, 2005
3:33 pm
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sewunique
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Remember the TV show from the 70's called "Laugh In"? where they would have everyone open a door and pop out with a joke, comment or like Goldie Hawn would do and just giggle?

Uh huh, you all.......you all are a stitch............

June 8, 2005
3:34 pm
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sewunique
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still giggling each time here...........

June 8, 2005
8:06 pm
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It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
> here
> is one: I hope it is within boundaries of AAC,,I just think it is kind of cute.
>
> Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
> tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
> that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
>
> The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the
> sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you
> tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
>
> The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
> neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
> piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
>
> Wipe that smile off your face.
>

June 8, 2005
9:32 pm
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sewunique
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OMW I think that was in the category or naughty but cute. I am still smiling.....alot.

June 9, 2005
5:43 am
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CODA_Mom
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John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

June 9, 2005
6:36 am
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Worried_Dad
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CODA_MOM,

Now thats a "dirty" joke!

June 9, 2005
6:43 am
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right here goes...I have a good few bits and pieces like this in my mail...

Sorry to all the men...no offence!!!!

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

June 9, 2005
6:58 am
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revelation
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A wife's duty

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
2. For Lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
3. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
4. Don't burden him with chores.
5. Don't discuss your problems with him.
6. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and
giving him plenty of back rubs.
7. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
8. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week, and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

June 9, 2005
7:05 am
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revelation
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THE LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS

So, this is what went wrong . . . .

So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you,and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history

June 9, 2005
10:31 am
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Weather Forecasting
----------------------------------
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for
the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably
raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it
is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong
way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this,
you have to leave the dog outside all the time,
especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
The CAT

June 9, 2005
11:39 am
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sdesigns
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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young-looking and
vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now
I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts." "Well," She said, "I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee."

June 9, 2005
11:42 am
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sdesigns
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this .."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

June 9, 2005
1:13 pm
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sd...absolutely hysterical!!

June 9, 2005
3:28 pm
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CODA_Mom
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omw,

I loved your dog joke...dogs are so funny naturally, anyway. I love 'em!!

June 9, 2005
4:13 pm
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Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you
have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All
responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how
a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said: "I outlived the b i t_ _ _ s."

June 10, 2005
10:11 pm
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addicts wife
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A friend of mine emailed this to me today... it made me giggle.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
.........You're gonna love this.........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate

June 14, 2005
8:56 pm
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CODA_Mom
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This is a true story.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four young males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the
police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop
laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men
were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as
white, less than five feet tall, glasses, white hair, and carrying a
large handgun. No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior
Moment, make it a memorable one!

June 14, 2005
9:18 pm
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sewunique
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I just roared when I read this! Hmmmm... where'd ya say down here in Florida?

Watching out for elderly drivers down here who DO STOP in the middle of green lights down here......thinking.....thinking?!?

Cm, just curious, where did you find this one?

June 15, 2005
12:14 pm
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Rasputin
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Thank you ALL so much for those hilarious jokes. They really made my day.

XOXOXO

June 15, 2005
4:06 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Sew,

Actually it was sent to me by a friend.

Glad it made you laugh, didn't realize that's where you're from...look out for little, white-haired seniors brandishing shotguns 😉

June 15, 2005
7:05 pm
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addicts wife
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this was sent ot me from a friend today, via email.. it just made me giggle, so I thought it should be posted here...

>
>Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
>they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
>jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
>there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
>pulled Ralph out.
>
>When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
>ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered
>her to be mentally stable.
>
>When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
>and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were
>able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
>life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound
>mindedness. The bad news is Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself
>in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am
>so sorry, but he's dead"
>
>Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
>can I go home?"
>

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