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WD, and Y'all>>>>HAVE ANY JOKES TO SHARE?
June 4, 2005
11:58 pm
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on my way
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Me thinks we have been too serious and our jokes have disappeared from this wonderful Libs side....do you have any?

June 5, 2005
12:05 am
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sdesigns
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For all of those men who say "Why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free" here's a little update. Eighty percent of women are against marriage. Why? Because they say "Why buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage?" Teeheehee.

June 5, 2005
12:11 am
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My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her, and the advice she used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when she died. If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her, and she answered ..... "makes your pecker look bigger."

.....Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

June 5, 2005
12:12 am
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uring class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table.

And you, Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

June 5, 2005
12:15 am
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just cleaning out my email...somehow the substance of these jokes (at least to me) appear gender related...no intention, assured.

June 5, 2005
12:31 am
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OK, I know pirates are boys too, but here it is...

Q) DId you hear the one about the pirate movie?

A) It was rated AARRRRR!

I know, terrible, but it's really my all time favorite.

June 5, 2005
12:32 am
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exoticflower
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And I told it wrong. Just 'did you hear about the new pirate movie'.

Depressed people should have their funny licence taken away...

June 5, 2005
12:38 am
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ROFL!!!!!!!!
That is soo-o-o- funny and cute..good one!! ha!

June 5, 2005
1:29 am
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sewunique
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Okay, word-play is always good, too. So here are some you may have seen before:

50 Oxymorons:

50. act naturally

49. found missing

48. resident alien

47. advanced BASIC

46. airline food

45. genuine imitation

44. good grief

43. same difference

42. almost exactly

41. government organization

40. sanitary landfill

39. alone together

38. British fashion

37. silent scream

36. legally drunk

35. living dead

34. small crowd

33. business ethics

32. soft rock

31. butt head

30. military intelligence

29. software documentation

28. New York culture

27. new classic

26. sweet sorrow

25. childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. synthetic natural gas

22. Christian scientists

21. passive aggression

20. taped live

19. clearly misunderstood

18. peace force

17. extinct Life

16. temporary tax increase

15. computer jock

14. plastic glasses

13. terribly pleased

12. computer security

11. political science

10. tight slacks

9. definite maybe

8. pretty ugly

7. twelve-ounce pound cake

6. diet ice cream

5. rap music

4. working vacation

3. exact estimate

2. religious tolerance

and the Number one top OXYMORON:

1. Microsoft works

June 5, 2005
1:31 am
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sewunique
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SD, so true, so true.

OMW, I love the good manners one; just really tickles me, somehow!

June 6, 2005
11:48 am
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Twinks,
What a hoot!! How true about the "Elaine & Roger" joke!!
Hope all is well with you these days.

June 6, 2005
12:12 pm
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sewunique
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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out: "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out: "GRACE."

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE."

The pastor said:" POWER."

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said: "SEX. "

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE OLD LADIES!!

June 6, 2005
12:15 pm
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Precious Memories indeed!! And, I may be an old lady doing the same one day...heaven forbid!!! HA!

June 6, 2005
12:16 pm
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twinks,
I have to admit I have been there with the Elaine thing, but I am only admitting it once!

June 6, 2005
12:59 pm
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jamaicanwife
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My husband and I have played out the Roger and Elaine scene many times, only I'm Roger and he's Elaine. Elaine is loony!

June 6, 2005
1:11 pm
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sewunique
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Twinks,

Good to see you, I'm not able to be around here much of late.

Loved your joke about the little ones. Yes, I can relate how our work stories are ot often well understoood by others, but you gotta find the humour in it when you love what you're doing. Actually, I have little "Rogers or Sarahs" but just a bit older. They are all precious, just the same.

June 6, 2005
1:52 pm
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twinks...I meant I hope I DO have those precious memories...but hope they are not only MEMORIES, is what I meant. ha...can you see all of us on this website in our 80's talking about our sex life?

June 6, 2005
3:04 pm
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gazelle
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Hi, Twinks. How are you? If you have a moment, please pop downstairs onto the Drama thread on Support ... I hoped you'd see my posts & add your comments.

Cheers - gazelle 🙂

June 7, 2005
12:23 am
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Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the flight attendant assures them the pilots will be there soon snd the plane will take off. Eventually two men dressed in pilot uniforms feel their way down the jet bridge and through the plane's door. Both are wearing dark glasses; one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit, the door closes behind them, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane zooms faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

June 7, 2005
1:48 am
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sewunique
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Twinks,

I understand perfectly. Sweet, precious, clueless, and we joke. I swear we in healthcare have some of the raunchyest jokes sometimes, but it is a stress reliver and a personal understanding of the situation, not to be cruel. Hard to explain it for others to understand. I work with dementia, so similiar.

June 7, 2005
1:50 am
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sewunique
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OMW,

This is supposed to be funny stuff here. I see theis plane ride as similiar to my life...........how often do I get so close to the edge of a cliff before I turn back before falling off all the way.

Whooops, laughing at myself as well here.

June 7, 2005
5:18 am
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Worried_Dad
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Arrrrr!

You guys are killing me--it's 2 am and here I am making pirate sounds and laughing.

It is great to see so much of the hoot hoot gang on this thread--Twinks, good to hear from you. I swear to God the Roger and Elaine thing is true.

June 7, 2005
5:30 am
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Worried_Dad
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Here in Seattle we get a lot of rain and we are into mass transit. We spend a lot of time being rained on at bus stops. That is hard fro people who smoke.

Two little old ladies were smoking their cigs while waiting for the bus when it starts pouring. The first old lady's cig goes out, while the second is just puffing happily away--apparently her cigarette is waterproof. So she asks her friend

"What is that you have on you cigarette keeping it dry?"

The friend answers "This is one of those Con-doms. I just cut the end off, slip it over my cigarette, and roll it back as I smoke--works great."

"That's just brilliant! So where I can I get me some of those con-doms?"

"You can get them at any drug store."

So our elderly smoker goes to the drug store and tells the guy at the counter "Young man, I'd like to buy me a package of con-doms."

The clerk says "Alright. We have quite a selection here...what size do you need?"

And the sweet little old lady furrows her brow thinks for a moment before replying...

"It needs to be big enough for a Camel."

June 7, 2005
11:21 am
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sdesigns
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Jewish Bra

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra formy wife, size 34B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind
of bra?" He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra." Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So,
what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them
staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the
Jewish bra do?" A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

June 7, 2005
2:06 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I'm afraid so, twinks. BTW, did you ever own a horse?

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