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Ways to Avoid being hurt
December 21, 2005
9:12 am
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gingerleigh
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Nope, no questions, other than noticing a pattern where particular posters are ignored or not responded to. I'm not referring to myself by the way. Just pointing out an observation.

December 21, 2005
10:21 am
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exoticflower
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GIngerleigh, it is difficult to communicate with you when you passively refuse to say what it is you mean--who is being ignored and where, and why are you dropping hints about it? Will somneone be angry if you say it directly? DO you want someone to feel embarassed when they figure it out on their won? If you do not want someone to be ignored, it would help them much more to state plainly that they are being ignored, you are being as much aof, if not more of a jerk than you seem to think others are if you actually KNOW someone is being ignored that needs aknowleged and are refusing to lend a hand in leu of proving a point...we don't even know what you are talking about, yo9u are actually phasilitating the ignoring you are fully aware of when you could help stop it.

December 21, 2005
10:23 am
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exoticflower
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Also, Ras asked you to please refer to her with further information, and you didn't. YOU seem not to want this person to be heard, which I do not think is very kind of you. Especially as I think many here would love to help.

December 21, 2005
11:52 am
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lollipop3
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Hi EF.....

Perhaps I should not be speaking for Ginger but considering everyone else seems to be doing it...I figured what the hell. LOL

Ginger, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here but.... I think she is referring to the fact that Ras has ingnored every post by Gazelle that has disagreed with her.

I'm not saying it was intentional, as I have no way of know that...but I did notice that Gazelle was being ignored which is why I sent her a (((hug))).

Sorry to but in....just making my own observations.

Love,
Lolli

December 21, 2005
11:53 am
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lollipop3
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p.s.

Now I'm speaking for Tez......

I'm fairly certain he noticed it too.

That one got hit into left field. LOL

December 21, 2005
12:01 pm
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exoticflower
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Oh, that makes sense now, thanks Lolli! I was peeking around other threads thinking someone was upset or something and it was being missed! I can be clueless, thanks for filling me in!

December 21, 2005
12:13 pm
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lollipop3
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No problem....EF....

Of course....if I am COMPLETELY WRONG....than I aplogogize ๐Ÿ™‚

December 21, 2005
1:40 pm
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gingerleigh
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You got it, Lolli. I was referring to Gazelle being ignored or at least not responded to. That was how I read it anyway.

Ras asked me if I had a question, and I said that no, I don't. Nothing passive-aggressive about that in my estimation.

One thing about being a "jerk"... that word really makes me laugh by the way, it's a funny word... but there are varying degrees of it, and all of us can be "jerks" at one time or another. I think the best way to avoid being hurt unnecessarily is to recognize when interactions with another person are unhealthy or harmful to us. (And not all hurts are unhealthy or harmful by the way.) And if someone is harming our well being, it's best to remove ourselves from the situation to protect ourselves.

But someone who is unhealthy for one may not be unhealthy for another. Like for a fledgling recovering alcoholic to be around non-recovering alcoholics, this could be really harmful, and drag him back into the throes of addiction. But for someone who is further along in recovery, he might be able to maintain a sense of self more easily because of the skills he's developed and the love he has for himself.

Please don't think I'm saying that alcoholics are jerks by the way. I'm trying to make the distinction between an overused label and unhealthy or harmful interactions between two people.

Point to ponder: is a jerk still a jerk if he/she is aone in the woods and no one is around for him/her to hurt?

*grin*

December 21, 2005
2:32 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Dear All Concerned)))

With regard to the conflict here:

The reason I ignore gazelle is because she is very aggressive/disrespectful toward me.

As a spiritual peaceful person, I am a serene loving human being and I also believe in love and turning the other cheeck even to abusive/unpleasant people.

I have been doing that to gazelle as well as anybody who aggresses/attacks me - both passively or actively ever since I joined this website which is almost a year today.

In addition, one of the guidelines of this site is: if someone aggresses/attacks us we are requested to ignore them, so here I am even following the guidelines.

To these people I say proudly: "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they're doing!"

I know these aggressive people make fun of my meek and sweet personality. But I do not care, because I know in my Father's eye I have done the right thing and HE applauds and approves of me. And that is ALL I care for!!!

~Love & Peace to All~Ras

December 21, 2005
4:52 pm
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gingerleigh
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Actually, as a point of clarification, I don't think that there is a guideline that says "if someone aggresses/attacks us we are requested to ignore them." I might be missing it though.

I did however just cut and paste this tip from the page:

"Guideline Tip: A loof responses can be taken as an attack (passive aggression), things like: "Go read the guidelines," or, "Just ignore him, he'll go away." Instead, find out why the person is here. REALLY find out, don't just ask once or twice. We're all hurting in some way, and our behavior can be nasty when we're hurting. Can't it?"

So, in that respect, my first reponse on this thread could be considered passive-aggressive, since it is somewhat aloof and doesn't make my true point clear. Sorry, didn't realize. My mistake.

Here's what I should have posted, in the spirit of direct communication. I am learning along with everyone else, always have more to learn.

"Ras, hi. I notice that you are talking a lot about jerks. But isn't it jerk-like behavior on your part to repeatedly ignore Gazelle? I read her responses and don't immediately 'hear' anything out of line or aggressive, just a difference of opinion. I am not attacking you or your person. I am making an observation that to me, ignoring someone just because they don't agree with you is jerk-like. You're not a jerk though. :-)"

December 21, 2005
4:53 pm
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gingerleigh
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EF, your words were hurtful to me, and even after the explanation, you apologized to Lolli who first offered the explanation, but not to me, who you attacked without provocation. That hurt.

December 21, 2005
6:00 pm
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Rasputin
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Ginger,

Look, I am not very fond of arguments so I will keep this as brief as possible.

1- Yes, there is guideline that states that we are to ignore someone if they do something unpleasant to us. I am pretty sure about that!
(I remember that very well from some incident that happened here!)

2- Ever since I came across gazelle, I found her responses aggressive, disrespectful, abusive, unloving.
One can disagree without being disagreable! To these people, I honestly prefer to keep my distance from them. I am a greatly abused person and this website is for love, support, and encouragement not for attacks and abuse. I would really love very much to keep my distance from these abusive and insensitive people.

~Love, Ras~

December 21, 2005
6:17 pm
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gingerleigh
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Ok Ras. From my perspective this is a discussion and not an argument.

I don't have a history of what happens between posters on posts other than the thread I'm currently looking at. So all I can do is respond to what I see in front of me.

So to all, take what works, and leave the rest.

Have a nice night.

December 21, 2005
7:15 pm
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Marlex
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Hi

This is so good to remember...I've just finished with a JERK and I wish I had read this before...But sometimes we know all this and we still go against our instint and get hurt. But after this one last episode..I think I am cured forever. I will never be the trusting person I was before. Kind of hard because most men want to be trusted and they take offense.

We need to keep reminding ourselves that these people exist in our everyday lives and they are very hard to spot.

December 21, 2005
8:47 pm
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exoticflower
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Gingerleigh, I am very sorry to have hurt you. I've got some bitch thing happening with me this past few days, and I could have found out what I wanted without snapping at you to make you feel bad. Sincerest appologies, really. It was out and out nasty the way I worded things, and completely uncalled for.

December 21, 2005
8:49 pm
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exoticflower
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And if I may ask, what is the sound of one jerk clapping? ๐Ÿ™‚

December 21, 2005
10:55 pm
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Rasputin
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((((Flower))) I have just read the story here about the soup and I love it so much. Very funny and wise.

Flower, you are one of my favorite cyber friends. You really are. You are filled with so many virtues and I am so proud of you!!!

I really needed to laugh Tkx!Smiley

~XOXOXO~Ras

December 22, 2005
12:53 am
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Gazelle.

On the 20-Dec-05 you said:

"Tez - I'm splitting an artery here - HELP!!! Pleeeeeeze! Teach me some good ole Bhuddist 'detachment' tricks ... this brick wall is hurting my head."

OK I'll try, but it won't be easy.

Hmmmmm ... let's see. The virtue of equanimity comes to mind; that is having neither attachment to nor aversion to anything - "jerks" included.

Hey! that solves my dilemma. I will try neither being attached to or have an aversion to my predilection towards being a "jerk" myself.

Wow! I have no need to seek forgiveness now like poor ole Mary Magdeline did. But then there was no need - JC raised her up higher than the sanctimonious Pharisees who went around judging others rather than looking at the moat in their own eyes.

lollipop3

On the 20-Dec-05 you asked:

"Tez..... don't you feel bad now?"

Well ... I fell down on my knees, put on a hair shirt and a pair of barbed wire underpants and started flagellating myself with a lollipop stick for being such a "jerk".

I started begging forgiveness from the FSM. It started to feel so good, that now I think I might be slipping down the ladder of "jerkdom" into S & M. I now find myself looking for the services of a good Dominatrix. ๐Ÿ™‚

Phew! It's just one attachment after another! Will this "jerking off" never cease?

December 22, 2005
1:44 am
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DoTheyNetwork
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I am going to my Cave to Meditate !

__OO__
//// ////

Network Peeking over the edge of my table at this Thread.

December 22, 2005
1:46 am
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DoTheyNetwork
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Hey ! my hands both came out on one side. Hm!

December 22, 2005
3:52 am
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DoTheyNetwork

Hey ! my hands both came out on one side. Hm!

Like the sound of one hand clapping?

Life is like a big fart - it is a lot better letting go of it rather than trying to hold on to it for fear of sustaining some humungous loss.

Oh, how profoundly Zen of me to write that. :-0 ๐Ÿ™‚

How's your cave, dank and dark?

December 22, 2005
9:46 am
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exoticflower
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(((ras))), I am glad you liked it, and thank you so much for the sweet words, I'm having a rough morning and it was wonderful for me to wake up and see!

December 22, 2005
12:24 pm
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eve
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I think I'll go back to the thread title "Ways to Avoid being hurt"

It is my firm belief that the only way to totally and reliably stop being hurt ist to stop breathing. Every other measure will only partially help.

I found that for me, that I put myself into harms way when I put a label on people, and expect them to stick to it. If I label somebody as a smart and caring person, I will be put off if this person does something that I find really nasty, and I will maybe be afraid, that I'm a bad judge of cahracter. If I think of somebody as a total jerk, and this person does something that is really graceful and prudent - this will make me feel bad about myself, because I don't like myself to be a person who makes rash judgements.

Now, one way to avoid these kind of disappointments is to just refuse to realize when people don't stick to the labelยดwe've given them. It is not the method of choice, though, because it can lead to boneheaded insensitivity. But some really insensitive people seem to get through their live quite serenely, pushing their judgements on the reality out there, and sticking to them by all means.

December 22, 2005
1:13 pm
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eve
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Oh, another way to quite reliably stop being hurt is to stop being human.

It is also not recomended, because sometimes it will lead to grievous bodily harm for yourself or others.

December 22, 2005
1:32 pm
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exoticflower
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I have difficulty understanding why people are so heavily offended by and being so hostilre regarding this thread. I see this a lot on this site, honestly, and it is becomeing a very uncomfortable place for me, every word is thuroughly nitpicked, invalidated, obsessed over, and the true spirit of helpfulness and kindness is long\t in peoples scrutiny. It is feeling more an d more like a very unkind and intolerant, condesending, unpleasant place, which i think is sad. I don't find much comfort here anymore, and personally am stepping off for a while. This doesn't feel to me like a very possitive envoriment anymore, just a confrontational and shaming one.

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