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Ways to Avoid being hurt
December 20, 2005
2:10 pm
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Rasputin
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IS TO AVOID THEM!!!! PERIOD

Believe me I am just like you: honest, sensitive, caring decent human being.

Jerks are totally the opposite of that. Jerks like sweet and honest people like us.

In business, love, marriage etc, they always choose people like us, coz we are the opposite of them.

Jerks exist in 2 genders: male and female.

I once had business deal with woman who was High degree jerks, from the 1st moment I saw her, I did not feel comfortable to her even tho she was nice woman.

Here are some of the essential tell-tale signs you can tell about jerks:

- They lie quite often, especially when they know they won't be caught.

- They can be nice even popular people.

- They flatter you in order to manipulate you to do want THEY want you to do for them.

- They can claim to be spiritual people and can actually be churchgoers.

- Their only purpose in life is their own well-being, they do NOT care about ours even if they may say that they care. Again here know for sure that they are lying.

- They may claim to give money to charity or claim to be involved in some humanitarian project to make you trust them and respect them or even they may tithe to their church.

- Jerks exist everywhere: in the office, your neighborhood, among your friends and cirlces, boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, your boss at work and even in churches.

If you identify any of the above-mentioned, your bf or gf, your spouse, or boss at work or someone with whom you have to deal with directly like business partner:

My advice to you is: AVOID THE JERKS AT ALL COSTS. IF IT'S YOUR BF OR GF CUT THEM OFF, IF IT'S SPOUSE DETACH.

Unless the jerk makes serious and earnest intention to change and to work on himself, they is hope for them. Otherwise as I stated before: DETACH AND SEPARATE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!

~Ras~

December 20, 2005
2:37 pm
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CAMER
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wow Ras, makes me think now, cuz i know alot of people who do lie but who are "nice" people on the outside and freaking manipulators, with the deal with "all about me" (them speaking) selfish types, only caring what society can do for them.

šŸ™‚ Camer

December 20, 2005
2:53 pm
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gazelle
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1) All human beings lie. Everyone. No-one can put their hand on their heart and swear before their God that they have never told even a 'white lie' to 'protect' someone.

2) Don't we all try to appear 'nice' and be liked too?

3) I'm not sure what a 'jerk' means. It seems here to be just a term of abuse for anyone people dislike.

As I've said before on here, and as several people have agreed: I don't find blanket-judgements of people helpful or intellectually honest. We are all individuals. None of us is perfect, or qualified to "cast the first stone." Tarring random people with the same brush & condemning 'their type' is just a sly way of making oneself feel hoiked up & self-righteous, in my view.

There are no sub-species like "jerks" or "emotional abusers" in my view. We all posess some of these qualities.

Isn't it more honest & respectable to look at ourselves & our own imperfections, (like always having to seem sweet & be liked - a typical coda vice of which I too am guilty! ) rather than passing blanket-judgements that go way beyond analysing actual individual people & situations - which certainly can be helpful & positive in deepening Understanding, Love & Healing.

No offence meant, but I have to speak my mind here and be true to myself. I am guilty of many failings and would like to grow in understanding & wisdom without condemning others - or being condemned if I let my 'image' down - in mutual support & respect. I feel uncomfortable in this sort of accusing, self-righteous atmosphere.

Blessings & love - gazelle.

December 20, 2005
3:29 pm
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Rasputin
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Another traits I forgot to mention about jerks:

- They like to criticize other smart people to make themselves look good.

- They like people who are rich, beautiful or sexy-looking.

- They wear mask all the time.

How do you know if that person is a jerk: Trust your own heart/gut feeling or intuition. If you feel uncomfortable about someone, it is probably very true. So follow your gut feelings or intuition.

~Ras~

December 20, 2005
5:25 pm
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gazelle
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These are just widespread human failings, Ras. No 'group' of people you can label has the monopoly on them. Of course we all want to be the 'good guy / gal' - but shouldn't we be looking at how WE can improve our own behaviours, rather than seeking to lump others together in order to criticise & judge them, as if from a superior position?

Isn't it better to own & address our own issues? Just my (strong) moral opinions.

Love, a v flawed gazelle (guilty of lying on occasion, out of a 'wimpish' & codependent dislike of hurting people ... and of trying to be & appear 'nicer' than I sometimes feel.)

December 20, 2005
5:32 pm
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Rasputin
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Mamac, Flower and the Rest this thread was addressed to you entitled:

How to avoid being hurt by jerks in response to the other thread on Support, you were asking question on that thread.

It is really very illuminating one. It brought so much sense to me and helped me avoid so many jerks in my life, and beware jerks are to be found everywhere.

I hope you will find it here and it will be helpful to you and all my other cyber friends here!

~Ras~

December 20, 2005
5:41 pm
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Rasputin.

Thanks for helping me with my self-help therapy.

I now know what my problem is - I'm a "jerk".

Phew!! I'm glad that's over.

Whoops!!! ... I have another problem now. How do I avoid me???

"He who is without sin let him cast the first stone." - JC.

December 20, 2005
5:52 pm
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gazelle
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My point precisely, Tez. šŸ˜‰

(see my response on support thread)

This inventing of some group of random baddies on whom to offload self-righteous criticism is morally offensive to me.

How can defining anyone as a "jerk" (an ill-defined word of abuse & derision) be helpful???

Doesn't EVERYONE deserve to be looked at & understood as an individual - kindly, with as much empathy as possible, & seeking insight rather than condemnation?

Blessings - gazelle.

December 20, 2005
6:03 pm
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Rasputin
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((((Tez)))))

Thank you Tez for your honest confession and transparency. God bless you!!! I have so much respect for you.

There is HOPE and HELP for you if you want to. Remember what I mentioned at the bottom of my 1st post, "unless the jerk makes serious and earnest intention to change, then there is hope for him."

Remember honey the Bible is filled with jerks who became strong believers of God.

So, the best advice I have for you is to start to make serious efforts to confess your sins to God and acknowlege Him as your Lord and Savior in your life.

Then the healing process will start. You might need self-help books to help you grow in faith, wisdom, maturity. Thereafter, you need a Good church. You might also need to see a good pastor, priest as counselor.

I wish I could recommend a book for you. I was raised up in Protestant Sunday school and Catholic school. So, I did not need to read any book in particular to convince me that God is there. God's presence was in my heart and mind already.

Wishing you Tez all the best in your journey!!! If you need/have any more questions or comments, it would be my pleasure to help you or answer you.

~Ras~

December 20, 2005
6:13 pm
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gazelle
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Tez - I'm splitting an artery here - HELP!!! Pleeeeeeze! Teach me some good ole Bhuddist 'detachment' tricks ... this brick wall is hurting my head.

Ok, ok. I think I've stopped.

December 20, 2005
7:34 pm
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lollipop3
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Tez.....

don't you feel bad now?

December 20, 2005
7:35 pm
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lollipop3
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((((gazelle))))

Love,
lolli

December 20, 2005
7:47 pm
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gingerleigh
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Isn't it a bit jerk-like to ignore someone who needs to be heard?

December 20, 2005
8:36 pm
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Rasputin
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((((Ginger))))

Do you have any question? If yes, please address it to me, I am all ears sweetie!

December 20, 2005
9:41 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Why is it that we can say "Abuser-Charmer", "Addict", "cannot think of other titles but they are all over".....

but if we say "loser", "jerk", "a**hole" there is accusations of judgment and classifying?

Can we not use terms as descriptive and not be fussed at and chastised?

December 20, 2005
10:31 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Gazelle:

To you I want to say I make some exception at what I posted before. I know that you don't use terms there the same we use them here.

You should have heard my friend's offense the first time I called her a "brat". lol. And she uses words like "Cor", "daft", "gutted". Now there is one of my favorites. Gutted to her is devastated and to me it's cutting open and cleaning out a fish.

Anyway, not making fun. Just saying I understand the differences. It's fun tho to start using the "English" terms to my family. They are all daft then. (did I use the word right?)

December 20, 2005
10:49 pm
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Rasputin
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MamaC:

What else can we describe them as?

We have no choice. I believe that these are all synonoms: Abuser- charmer, addict, loser, jerk, ***hole, etc.

Everybody uses this term, Dr. Phil and many Christian books I have and read.

I am not a doctor and what I am stating here comes from books and well-known American people who used these names.

~Love, Ras~

December 20, 2005
11:29 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ras:

I don't know. Maybe say the "unmentionable".

Hey, is this the same as using GOD, JESUS, BIBLE, SCRIPTURE????? Are we now discriminating against the words "jerk", "loser", "a**hole"?

Where else can you go that they ban not only religious connotations but also the every day "slang" that folks use? What's next? "hell", "shit", "damn"?

December 21, 2005
12:42 am
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I think Ras is speaking of people whose general charactor is most largely made up of these traits, and I do know exactly the sort of person she is refering to and why she brought this up...and it helps a lot!!!! AVIOD THEM! That's that. There's a line from the movie "As good as it gets"...Helen Hunt says "All you do is make me feel bad about myself I don't want to know you anymore.". I think when this is the way I feel most of the time regarding someone, of course I should avoid them--I do ont like feeling bad! Thank you Ras, this helps with the ex thing...I just need it drilled in my head--AVIOD PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF!!! Scream it at me whenever you can, I'm such a glutton for punishment at times! ((((Friendly Ras))))), it is a basic human right not to engage with people that regularly hurt you, it is a basic human right to refuse to be treated poorly. I look foreward to the day that I am healthy enough that that is common knowlege and instinct to me, not something I need to remind myself (or be reminded!:)) of!!!

December 21, 2005
12:45 am
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exoticflower
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Mamac!!! Such language! They'll cut out your toung!

I agree, every little thing can't be taken so literally or offensive, it makes me think of the holiday tree!

December 21, 2005
1:07 am
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exoticflower
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You know that story about a family from another country that is making a traditional soup in their new location. The mother starts with the chicken stock and when she is chopping the Garlic her youngest comes in and says "mom, none of my friends eat Garlic here, do we have to use it? Can't we make it just the same but without the garlic?" and she says "well, that sounds fine, it's good to compromise". Then she is chopping the potatos and her daughter comes in and says "mom, You're making the soup!" Which they all love. "But mom, the clothing here is so different than what we wore back home. I need to stay slim to look good in them and potatos will make me fat! Can't we just skip the potatos? But keep it the same mostly?" The mother says to her daughter "yes, I suppose it is important to adapt". Then her husband comes in while she is washing the peppers. "Ah, the soup then? Good! I hope you make a big batch, I can bring somet o the people I work with to get a taste of home. People here do not like peppers so much though, can we perhaps this once forego them?" The mother says "well, dear, what's one more thing..." And for dinner the mother served her family up their soup--a refreshing bowl of chicken stock with a few herbs and nothing more.

December 21, 2005
1:09 am
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exoticflower
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Of course there should be more siblings and more ingrediants, this was a pretty lame soup to begin with according to my lazy typing! But I think you get the general idea, there must be SOME flexability, some tollerance, or NOTHING may be safe!

December 21, 2005
1:28 am
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mamacinnamon
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Good story EF... What a message.

December 21, 2005
3:29 am
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I just figured out where this thread is. LOL !

Ok, Avoid them. Good. And I am seeing the point about Generalizing, Individuals in our lives that have formed the habits of Preying on our emotions or just rubbing us the wrong way. Because these individuals learned or did not learn about interacting with others and having boundaries,lack of them or not respecting the boundaries of others. But the opposite of codependancy.

Actually, armed with that we could, step back,be friendly and at the same time, not move to fast with people we have just met. Especially with members of the opposite sex. Because that is where blancket terms like jerk, A__H___ B___turd are coming in. Expecting others to fill our Wants,fantasies and other unrealistic _Expectations. How does this come about ? Like Dad used to say " You have to Look before you Leap, Boy ! " Im Guilty.

This has been a thing that has been on my mind Big time because I just couldnt get around circumstances, and that is what it was. I was beating myself up and working harder and harder but progress was slow. It was a number of peoples mind sets. Perseverance was the only thing that let me get through it. As you will see I did not even Understand why I was having communications problems in my life.

This thread triggered me to think about a funny but sad thing that just happened in my life.
A lady friend asked me awhile back "Network, how do you handle jerks. your just laghing at this silly stuff. What do you do with Tuff guys?" Ignore them. "What about guys that are real bad ?" She was pushing it and I was getting confussed. So since I knew her for awhile I just laughed and said. Well, if they really have a problem with me, I suppose they could take a swing at me and see how they do. Other wise Im not going to get suck into some stupid crap. "Oh"

People, It never-- ROFL- Crossed my mind what this Strange conversation was about. I wondered why this goofy bunch of middle aged guys started to act different around me after it. Hm? Weird ! They would always say something snide and grin at me. I thought that they were just in a rut and that this talk was the way they entertained themselves. Maybe they were stuck in Hootville to long and needed a vacation. No,No,No My Gal Pal is kind of indirect and this went on for a week or 2. Then It SUNK in. I never in a half a dozen years of seeing these guys around EVER would have dreamed that they thought they were Hard A__'s. For Real ___ROFL All of this time trying to work on my art around regular jobs and all I had to do was Swear and scream at my Bosses in a conversation to get their attention. I tried it for an Experiment. It WAS the only time that it felt to me like they were enthusiastic about a conversation. UN-REAL.

All of the time I was Avoiding saying anymore then I had to, to some folks that made me feel like something was off. They thought I was telling them everything about my life and Judging me on that. Why should I say more then I did ? Some of this group are regular Parrots.
This group assumed that if they asked a question they would get Full Disclosure because this group of people blab's everything they hear think they hear,see or do. I dont. Sharing is one thing but I like to make sure I am understood If I am going to offer more. šŸ™‚ Most of us do. LOL

I thought they were being silly and never dreamed they seen themselves as Hardcases. ROFL Willy Nelson wannabe's. LOLOLOL

No wonder I never fit in. They were trying to get me to Prove myself and I just thought that they were a bunch of Lovable ? Daft šŸ™‚ Silly Ass's.

How do we learn this stuff as we Grow (?) up?Down,sideways LOL

This was Supposed to be short.
I Avoid em the best I can but half of Hooterville is like that. šŸ™‚ I hope that this makes some sense.

December 21, 2005
3:46 am
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All individuals,raised in different homes but a the same time learned some behavioral patterns based Generations Deep in an isolated community. That is why I jumped on that thread on cults. Im no expert but some of the goings on around here remind me of reading about Generational Cults. I can understand how they can be invisible for years and have wondered about this area I live in.

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