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Was trying to run.....stopped dead in my tracks!!!
August 4, 2007
12:30 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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September 29, 2010
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I have a friend who is aware of this site. Not knowing what the site itself is or anything else...just aware that there is a site that I go to that has really been very helpful in the last year or so of my life.

Upon my wanting to leave for a while..I knew that it would be kind of tough. But, that is what I felt like I needed to do for me. After reading LL's post and talking to a friend of mine, I was WELL aware that I am running.

I have spent my whole life running from this feeling. This pain, this problem. I am too tired to keep running. I am so tired of the pain that this issue brings to me. So I am left with this, I can face it, or I can keep running. And I am tired of running. I don't have the strength to keep going. So, I guess I am going to face this one HEAD ON.

I ask myself why I am afraid to confront it here...well, the truth is, I don't want to hurt anyone. I have been around here long enough to know, that I am NOT responsible for how others take whatever I have to say. This is my pain. I don't blame anyone else for it...it is mine. It is my struggle, and I need to face it. So, that is what I am going to try to do.

My fear of abandonment has me completely paralyzed. I cannot function with this fear. I cannot move forward. I cannot face today...much less tomorrow.

I spend SO much time worried about who will leave me next that I struggle to get close to people. I almost, no not almost, I DO go to the extreme of pushing people away. I have done it...over and over and over. I worry what I will do, or what it will take...so I do it, just so I am the one to do it. It is easier for me to push people away than it is for them to walk away from me.

My entire childhood was filled with abuse, neglect, and most of all abandonment. When protective services finally removed me from my home when I was 16 years old, it was due to my mom choosing her boyfriend over me. Everything that I said was a one against one argument. There was proof of the sexual abuse, but nobody could prove it was him. So, that was a huge abandonment thing for me. My mom let me go. People have walked in and out of my life for so long, that I have come to a point that I expect it to happen. I really do.

Here is the problem, I have found that I do NOT take the time to enjoy what is going on in my life with the people that are in it, because I am too afraid of them leaving me. I used to get close to my dads wives when he would remarry, well, I lost every one of them..so I quit even trying. I have a lot of things on my mind.

How much of the reason that I don't really feel "good" with my husband is ultimately because I am scared to death of him leaving me. I don't want to be alone. Worse yet, how much of my staying with him through the abuse of my children is because I don't want them to experience that same fear. Or feeling. That is sick. SICK. My head is so fucked up.

SO, I found myself here a year ago. A little more than that now. I have really attached myself to some people here. Several in the course of that year. It started out in the first few months being RW, Ma Strong, and MamaC. I very rarely talk to any of those people anymore. Then it was "the afghan sisterhood." Those of you that were around when that took place read the feelings and messes I went through when that all took a nose dive. I got almost angry that I felt like I wasn't worth fighting for to them. I felt like I had lost the first people in my life that I have loved, and cared about and trusted, and that accepted me, and validated me, didn't judge me, and everything else. Now, one by one, again, I see them leaving the site. The ones that are still here...conversation is limited. For various reasons, I am sure. Then the select few that I have remained REALLY close to in the last few months. I see them slowly back away. I know in my heart (or at least I tell myself that I believe this) that it has nothing to do with me. I know that it doesn't have to do with me. It can be about them...yet...again, I see myself start this same downward spiral. I am afraid of losing the people that I have grown to love and care about. I feel like my life is here inside this forum for the most part. I feel like what I have here, feelings I have had here, and the truths about my life that I have here, have saved me...but have I become dependant on people here? But, people come and go from this site everyday...and any one of us can make that choice...myself included. But, sometimes when that happens, a piece of my heart goes too.

It scares me...it makes me not want to trust, not want to talk, not want to be honest, and open, and talk. Yes, I talk, and I do it a lot. But, even as it has been pointed out to me...there are things I can't tell. Not because I don't want to...but because I can withhold that part of me. I don't want to give it all out...to only be left with it once it is there. I also worry about what others will say or thing sometimes...I don't want to be that way either. I don't. I don't have to agree with everything that is said to me...and I won't. I have the right to be oppositional, but I fear that it will push people away. I fear that it has. I fear that a lot. People here, and people in my real life.

I have lost a wonderful friend in the last couple of months. And for what, I PUSHED HER AWAY. I lost her. And a BIG piece of my heart went with her. I love her, and we left it that way on good terms. We really did, but it isn't what I want, and it scares me. I said things, and she said things, and we both feel that it is best to be this way. But I ask myself this...who is next?? I don't know how to deal with the pain of people walking in and out of my life. People can be such a blessing...even in a short time...why can't I let it be just that? A blessing? Love it while it is there.

I want some type of reassurance that my best friends aren't going anywhere. I want them to be able to promise me that. Nobody can promise that. Any one of us could die this afternoon. We don't know what the future holds. But, I literally ask this. I always wonder if I made people mad, or whatever. I don't want to do much to rock the boat because I want to be loved. I am scared to death.

So, here I sit at 31 years old....deathly afraid of losing those I love. How do I let go of this fear? How do I enjoy what I have? How do I accept it for what it is? I don't want to live paralyzed like this anymore. I want to rid myself of this fear. I want to be happy.

Is that possible anymore?? Truly. Losing the people that I love is a very hard thing for me. It makes me want to die...it makes me feel weak, and worthless. I just want someone to love me. I want to know that I am ok to someone, somewhere.

Any thoughts on this one??

August 4, 2007
12:32 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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September 29, 2010
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Truly, I wanted this on the support side so I will post it there as well.

August 4, 2007
4:14 pm
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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Michigan, this friend of yours, Is this person someone you can confide your fears in?? Do you live close enough to eachother to go out for a drink or something sometime? I only ask that cause most of my friends are scattered around the country, and unfortunately I am unable to do that with many people. Are you running from those around you that truely love you? I am just curious because if you can run from those on this site who don't "know" you in real life, when it doesn't really matter what they think, I'm wondering if you are running from your true friends that would more then likely be there through thick and thin with you if you gave them the chance. I know about not wanting to get close to people because you don't want to get hurt, as it seems that everyone I get close to ends up moving or we part ways for one reason or another. So sometimes I wonder why I try at all. Does what I'm saying make any sense at all? It sounds like I'm rattling here. {{{{Michigan}}}}

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