Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
" Values & Beliefs"
June 2, 2008
2:53 pm
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was talking on the "other side" and I am lost I can tell you that. But...a counselor in a group told me to identify my values and beliefs, he said that when I find these I will be able to start finding myself. Then I will see if I am living up to my own moral code and if I am not, that causes an internal struggle. Well I am still working on this "List" trying to find out who I am. I am once again going through a divorce. Anyway, after always identifying myself as someones wife and taking on I believe their identity maybe if that makes any sense I have lost me. Or maybe Its just this depression, I am lost.

So I sat here and tried to list these values and beliefs and found few..told him and he said well I bet you could list me all the things wrong with you in two seconds, I said well ofcourse. He said well thats cause you are dwelling on the problems..which so makes sense.

So in establishing this list..I am trying to sort out in my brain ya know what exactlying is a belief system.

I mean, I dont know if people can help me with this, maybe I am overthinking this. I over think sometimes...

I believe in God.
I believe in Forgiveness..and I believe I have not lived up fully to that one even though I do truly believe in it and the whole priciples meaning, there are people I am still needing to fully forgive including myself.

When I was writing this list, I could list what I dont believe in or what my beliefs are against...so I am getting confused..this is a group so I can't take up the whole time. But I like the leader of the group so much, he is so dead on with me that I believe he can help me alot.

So if anyone can maybe just talk with me in regaurds to this, I would love to chat.

June 2, 2008
9:09 pm
Avatar
autumn128
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hopeful,

I think that making a list and putting down what you don't believe in is a good start.

Do you have a moral code for yourself? what do you value about yourself? what do you believe in?

were you raised a certain religion? do you practice that religion?

A value would be something like this:" I am not having sex until marriage."

A belief would be something like this, " I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross."

Does that make sense?

Autumn

June 4, 2008
12:07 am
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I obviously know that that is a belief. I mean I guess I am looking to find my own personal beliefs its so strange that I can sit here and not recall them but duh obviously we all have them. I guess thats my depression or as the cousnelor said always focusing on others or what is wrong with us. I feel I told him I had lost my identity this is how he told me to find myself...right so.

Even as I sat here and have been thinking like thinking of the things I value and like or dislike to find th elogic in this I am also finding as someone pointed on the other side how I have given up my own wants and needs for others like the kind of music I apprciate, maybe this is a different thing but..I do this. When I am with someone I change to there tastes wants and needs so I am now lost to find me.

I know who I once was, and I mean even in the style of dress I know how stupid that is ok, but I am not her anymore, I am not his wife or his wife, I always fit into someones mold. I dont know who I am right now.

Ok back on this subject. My values and beliefs........

I believe in forgiveness and that the right thing is to forgive and I do know that I havent completely done this in alot of areas. I believe in the concept and that it does free us and that it is not for the other person but for ourselves.

I believe in the right to religion.
I believe in the not being predjudice I believe in equality for all races and sexes and people with disablities.

I believe in caring for others and serving others and giving.Not for anyting other than to help others and for the inner good feeling.

I believe you should have a career that you love not for the money.

I believe beauty is on the inside.

I believe you are never to old to start again.

I believe when one door closes antother one opens and that everything happens for a reason.

I believe in being punctual.Calling if you will be late. Be there if you say your going to go.
I believe in commitment.
Looking your best.
Keeping your home and yourself looking its best, self pride I guess.

I believe in family.
Unconditional love.
I value education and striving to always be better improve and keep learning more.

I value romance, yes romance, kindness, and caring.

I value patience.
Personal growth.
simplicity.
stability.
Compassion.
Truth.
Unity.
Tranquility.
Family Traditions that I once somewhat had.
Nuturing children.
Individulatity
Value being a freindly neighbor and helping neighbors out

Ok am I off base here..

June 4, 2008
11:56 am
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thats quite a lot of beliefs for someone who started with saying she wouldn't know how to find her beliefs πŸ™‚

If you need an additional hint: "and he said well I bet you could list me all the things wrong with you in two seconds". Everything that you find wrong shows you also something about your values. So instead of saying (just an example that could have happened to me) "it was sloppy of me not to call xy for their birthday" you could also find two values: "I think it is important to show others that I think and care about them", and "I like it when things are well organized, and I remember everything I planned, and find the time to do it."

You sound like you might be a bit harsh on yourself? If you berate yourself for some mistake you made, are you more harsh with yourself than you would be with a total stranger? or with your best friend?

June 4, 2008
9:21 pm
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hopeful,

I can relate to the whole lost who you are thing. I'm starting to find her by being on my own... I didn't realize how much I conformed until I spent several uncomfortable months alone with no one to conform to. Only then, when I realized that I was keeping with likes and dislikes of my ex that I started to make decisions for me. Put the house temp at the temp I like it. Put the music that I want on when I want it on. Watch the movies that I wanted... but at first I found myself keeping my ex's likes as if he were coming back. It took a while and was a very very very uncomfortable and stressful time. But now that I am discovering me and what I like and don't like I am a much happier person.

Your list of beliefs and values is a good one. Keep up the search. You are doing great.

Hugs, Chelonia

June 5, 2008
12:41 am
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

eve, thank you for that example that helps me alot. I sure did come up with alot of things. I had to google values and beliefs to get me started and then I started identifying oh yes I am that and this, etc.

I really appreicate the suggestion because I will surely be able to use that alot.

Chelonia,

What you said really hits the nail on the head. Just already In the few months of being alone there is that peace of not putting up with someones bitching about the temperature or the tv channel or whatever. Yes I can see what you are saying. I have conformed. I think my whole life has been conformed. I thank you, that is a really good thought. πŸ™‚

June 5, 2008
1:06 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hopeful...

I think our values and beliefs can define what we believe in, but they do not necessarily make us who we are. Following through on our beliefs is what makes us who we are.

I believe in many good things, but find at times that I do not do what I believe in. When we DO it, practice it, then I think that our belief system and values take hold and become us.

June 5, 2008
1:10 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

chelonia,

What great growth for you...one of the most difficult things I am learning is to be me in the midst of whatever is around me or in front of me. I grew up keeping the peace as a child in my family, to not cause any more turmoil. I still do this, but lose myself in the process. I become the person that is around me. This must be codependence. I am still looking for me, as I compromise too much and end up very unhappy.

June 7, 2008
9:44 pm
Avatar
castoff
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, this is like all so deep. I totally relate to being lost within myself. I think I mentioned somewhere on these threads I can't even relate to myself. Can't make decisions cuz I don't know what I want or what is the right or wrong choice wheter it be by my standard or someone else's. Put me in Bath and Body Works and it basically sends me into a panic attack trying to pick something. My favorite color used to be purple but now I don't have a favorite color. Not really a favorite anything I don't think. I think I might have a few values and beliefs but I haven't been able to live up to them, only argued and fought to work towards them. I am only aware of a few. I'm not sure what constitutes who we are but I know I'm not in agreement. Chelonia- I fantasize about the things you mention-picking out my own tv shows, listening to the music I want, learning how to make my own decisions. A part of me feels that would help me feel less fragmented, more whole. I, like on my way, have always had to keep the peace. As a child and more so in my marriage since the age of 16. Now I'm 39, my kids are grown, moved out, have their own kids and I still allow my husband to dictate matters because I don't know any different. There are no Coda groups here or anything like that, nothing for codeps, nothing in the line of dialectical therapy, therapists just aren't like the ones I read about on here. Mine told me to go to AA meetings or Alanon meetings even though neither one of us has alcohol issues. I am addicted to food and I guess my relationship. I don't go to those meetings because they are all based on a "higher power" which I'm not sure I believe in. SOMETIMES I do but for the most part I don't. I don't have a spiritual side and when people get all bible bangey on me I get extremely uncomfortable. I used to be Catholic when I was little but not faithful to catholicism. I've felt a need to be spiritual in some form of the word, what ever that means, I guess beginning with my innerself, values and beliefs is a starting point.

June 8, 2008
4:46 pm
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Castoff,

Alanon is for Codeps too. If you have a group in your area, I'd try it out if I were you. I also don't find comfort all the bible banging that goes on in some of these meetings...but I just try to view it as it works for them and I just turn the words God and Jesus into the Universe or whatever works for you. I try to look at it as the concept of letting go is still usefull even if you don't beleive in giving it up to Jesus.

As for finding what I like... I struggled with this for a while. What worked for me was to just start randomly trying different things. For example in choosing music I liked, I would try different radio stations or go to amazon or youtube and just randomly pick and listen to different things and see if I liked it or not. At first I struggled to try to make a decision. It was too much to actually decide if I liked it or not. I sometimes still get mini-anxiety attacks when I have to choose. So I tried to just make a mental list of aspects I liked and didn't like. That was the first step because I could start to think in that direction without the pressure of finality of deciding between putting it in the "like" catagory or "not like" catagory. I worried about what if people didn't agree with my decision? And I self talk my way through that by thinking of times when I didn't agree with someone but I still like them etc.

To someone who hasn't faced this, it may seem a bit much in order to say I like it or I don't like it... but for me it is somehing I have had to work on.

Sometimes I think of it like someone who was always carried around and never walked before in their life would not be able to just jump off their chair and walk. No because they don't know how and their muscles have atrophied. There may not be anything wrong with their legs but because they haven't been used, they can't just go run a marathon. Same thing with this... start by doing little things or even parts of little things first and work you way up. It will take time and effort, but you will eventually get there.

Hugs, Chelonia

June 8, 2008
6:25 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hopeful, nice thread. You can say you have the value of having others opening up to you! Look how much feedback you got!

About 9 years ago I was a leaf tossed to the wind. Whichever way the wind blew, there I went. I had no idea of who I was, wanted, needed, could give, could perform. It was horrendous moving eight times in two years trying to find a place I could rent and would be nice. It only added to my sense of being lost.

What I found out, after these 9 years and 4-5 suicicde attempts, 2landing in the hospital, is that an identity is not something one neglects without harsh consequences. Then as for those consequences, I found out that they were my "walk" to where I am today and so I canΒ΄t underestimate, nor begrudge them.

Please share more about your "walk". Im 48, you seem quite younger and so wise. Your therapy group seems so interesting. I think we can find things about ourselves that we will cherish for life and would never have found had we not looked for help. Good work! Hugs,

June 8, 2008
9:10 pm
Avatar
guest_guest
Guest
Guests

am i the only athiest in this thread :((. i need company..!

June 8, 2008
9:28 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

guest_guest

Maybe someone else will join you!

I can really relate to this thread and all the input!

I feel lost most of the time.I have alot of trouble making decisions and it didn't matter if I made the right decision or the wrong decision because if it wasn't the decision that someone else wanted or didn't want - I was made to feel I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't.
Now, I just get frustrated when I need to make a decision! I am always second guessing my decisions and worrying about them!

June 9, 2008
9:52 pm
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Guest_guest, I'm not religious either- but I do beleive in life and the universe. Nothing is superior to anything else, just different. We are all entwined by our existance here, but it is not by any divine power other than that of existance itself. Not sure that makes me an athiest, but might be the closest thing here. My uncle is an athiest and he says I value life too much to be one, but I'm not sure he is right. I don't try to label myself as anything other than just trying my best to be myself.

June 10, 2008
7:53 am
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well the counselor or leader did say that once you find your beliefs and values then you measure if you are living up to them or are trying or are attempting to or are close. If not that creates the internal turmoil and struggle. That makes sense. I am sure he will go further later.

But as someone said on the other side even figuring out what I do not like helps me once again figure out a value or belief. He also told me to look at my previous jobs that will show my values and beliefs and probably qualities. Looking at what i had to be able to do. What I hated vs loved. Ya know I guess that all makes sense.

I had been married three yes three times, and I hate to admit this but I have all thes other peoples Identitys not mine. So I so relate to Whats my favotire this or that, except I do know what my favorite color is always I stuck to that PINK! πŸ™‚

Wow I have one thing figured out!

In this group several people were reading the book a new earth, and even the cousnelor said it doesnt matter if someone is christian buddist or non believer it does not matter that they all have the same value. They talked of this book a little and I bought it. I have been trying to read it. Its hard for my brain. I think I will start a thread for anyone who has.

June 10, 2008
10:21 pm
Avatar
castoff
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Because I am not spiritual and have so many doubts about my beliefs, I have often wondered if I am an atheist. Would I know for sure if I were? One thing I think is when we die, we die. Our body is consumed by organisms, our flesh rots and that is that. I have trouble accepting the concept of a heaven, hell...with nothing more than a theory. I won't go into all this because it could really potentiate some issues, I was just wondering, does that train of thought mean I'm atheist (not that its bad).

June 13, 2008
11:03 am
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I do not know how to answer that for you. I do know that at the church I go to there is a class called seekers and alot of people who call themselves aetheists and just people who have questions about the whole "subject". Its in the church but its really all non believers in the "class" so no one feels Judged.

They pass around a bowl or hat or something and ask questions and the pastor answers them.

I know about this as my son says he does not believe in God. And this class is listed in the sunday flyer thing everyweek. Anyway I have talked to someone about it, and they said that it is usually filled with people even sometimes people who are aethieists or soemtimes chiristians who have quesitosn or highly intelligent scientiest like people or people of another religion or just non believers trying to figure things out. They are not judged for trying to find there way, Some are buddists etc.

When talking on this matter they recommend me have my son read a book called a case for christ. Where a christian married an aethiest journalist. Heck I do not know.

I think as you that yes our bodys do rot yes they do that we can see. Faith is just that faith.

I think that anyone would feel lost if you think this world is it, that nothing really matters. I do not know how to respond except I hope you find your way. Even if you do not believe in something does not mean something does not exist. Right?

Think of the thousands of radio and microwaves and cellular waves bouncing off and through you right now running cell phones and cable and whatever they are everywhere. You can't see them, but they exist. Our eyes just dont have the capacity to see them thats all. Our eyes have very little capacity to see things. But thats a very small percentage of the realm of the whole existance of everything. Ya know?

I am sorry to preach to you, that is not my style. I would just be so lost without my father, and he is your father to..

June 14, 2008
8:54 pm
Avatar
castoff
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hopeful, thanks for your "value"able input. I guess I'm just so far down right now I can't see up so its hard to "believe" in anyone or anything. The world and life are just so grim right now. I do appreciate your opinion, I do not discredit it, thank you.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
48 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 110887

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38534

Posts: 714189

Newest Members:

appeksCem, DonaldPat, Testerzqs, JoshuaHew, SpencerJeole, Danielnit

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer