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Use to enjoy this site......
June 13, 2005
1:43 pm
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kathygy
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I think it is very important to be honest about my reaction to a post. If I see destructive behavior or thinking I think it is important to point that out. I don't think I am being helpful to enable someone. I feel that luv was very imature and judgemental in his reaction to this web site. Sometimes if someone does not like what they hear they get angry and it maybe because the truth hurts. But I do feel that it was very manipulative to attack the people here and say he's going to committ suicide because of what was said here and then never to return and check out responses or say how he is. I don't wish suicide on anyone however I feel angry about how luv expressed his feelings and it doesn't make me feel very sympathetic when I feel attacked and manipulated and blamed. If he has an issue with a post than respond to that poster vs. putting out a general attack. I doubt if anyone here was purposefully being rude. That's his judgement. Who knows what he means by being "rude". Is being honest being rude because he doesn't want to face the truth of his clinging to pain? This is a RECOVERY from codependency web site, not an enabling codependency web site. It seems to me that luv didn't expect that.

June 13, 2005
1:48 pm
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bangles
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Luv, if you're still reading. Yes, some people come across as rude,insensitive...that's because the site get a cross section of society. I think if you keep posting and know who to talk to and who not to, you will gain the support you need. I certainly agree that if any of us could just pull ourseves up by our bootstraps, we wouldn't be here. don't give up on the site because of a couple callous comments/remarks. Alot of us care. Bangles

June 13, 2005
1:54 pm
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sewunique
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Peace,

Just reading reading your post comment about "ten months is long enough" to get on with a problem? Where did you learn to give a timeframe on someone else's healing? Some of us have had lifetimes of healing, hurt and healing. It is not always so simple, do you know?

Did you ever refer Luv to therapy or counseling at that time you were frustrated with him not 'getting it' fast enough in your timeframe? Just asking, perhaps you did, as I have not kept up with that thread.

Secondly, this thread was about a threat and a call for help, not asking what should I do about my g/f. Back then about the g/f was the time to be more forward, not here.

You are not standing in the presence of this person behind the screen. You are only words here; those written words has to do so much for the the reader to be be receptive of your words.

As a matter of fact, I believe THAT was exactly what Luv did say, about real people or just words on a screen. He felt so out of touch with us here, clearly. So gentle words were appropriate here.

This bantering again is such a mystery to me of why you (and others) have to hold so tightly and ridgedly to how you present yourselves and style of writing. Loosen up a bit, will ya?

Peace,

Sew

June 13, 2005
1:54 pm
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lollipop3
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Kc,

To answer your question....I believe it was the "Anxiety over Disconnect Phone or Email" that was the trigger for this tread.

Lolli

June 13, 2005
2:01 pm
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sewunique
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Yes, kathygy, threats of suicide, however presented and actual suicide does make us who are left angry. Common feelings, for sure.

I just attended a friend's daughter in law's funeral, about five months ago; with her overdosing. Girl was self destruct since age of fifteen and she made it to thirty-four years of age leaving a two year old behind who my 57 year old friend now is adopting. Think of all that. Who is life fair to? Not anyone really.

June 13, 2005
2:14 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Lolli: It was a dif post by Luv, and I think that SC removed it. He spoke of having cut his wrist and was waiting to die. SD

June 13, 2005
2:16 pm
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sdesigns
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Me again- I found it - it was "Lost Comfort"

June 13, 2005
2:28 pm
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lollipop3
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Thanks SD.....I had seen in the Anxiety about phone/email thread that someone suggested he was "dwelling" and he had referred to that in this thread so I thought that was what triggered this.

Sorry, I didn't mean to "misinform".

Thanks again sd,

Lolli

June 13, 2005
2:40 pm
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peacesoul
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Hey Sew, Please if you're going to quote me, make sure you use my exact quote (hence verbatim)...
I NEVER said 10 months is long enough to get on with a problem.
I am no fool my friend, I would never even DREAM of time lines for when people should heal.
What I said was, it's been 10 months since his ex left and maybe it's time he try to move on.
Meaning, it's time to start the healing.

If somone is "stuck" and cannot get out of their obessive rut. Pineing for someone that does not want you for 10 months is obsession!
Do we not as caring people have the responsibility to "tell it like it is" in order for the "stuckee" to become unstuck?!

Yes Sew, I know what a lifetime of healing and hurt is, and in no way did I heal in a certain amount of time, but I did not have people coddle me for 10 months after the devastation of when my first ex left me in shambles.

Thank God people loved me enough to tell me after 3 months to pull my boot straps up, step up to the plate and play a good game....

June 13, 2005
4:41 pm
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Deena
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whoa! Here we go again...Where would you get in life if everyone told you exactly what you want to hear? Nowhere. I said it in the beginning....tough love. I agree with Peace..(of course) 10 months? Dude, your wasting precious time and energy. Yeah I would say it's time to let go. But of course noone wants to say that because it sounds insensative. Be for real.

June 13, 2005
4:45 pm
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Deena
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Lolli, you said in another thread that someone told Luv he was dwelling and that started this? His suicide thread? C'mon. Because someone says something he doesn't want to hear...he starts this? It's called THICK SKIN. Your hear for advice and understanding. If someone says something you don't like- don't resond, however posting a thread about being rude and going to kill yourself?????what the F is that?

June 13, 2005
4:53 pm
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lollipop3
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Deena----- I was answering kc's post about what thread triggered this one. I thought it was the thread about Anxiety phone/email, where someone said he was "dwelling" as he referenced in this post. Sd thought is was triggered by another post.

As it's been said here soooo many times. Not everyone responds the same way to "tough love" and that should be understood. Not everyone has "thick skin" and that should be respected.

For myself, suicide would not be an option but I cannot speak for others nor can I presume to know the pain that they are in.

We are all different.

Lolli

June 14, 2005
12:01 am
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Worried_Dad
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My policy is to always give anyone who asks for help the benefit of the doubt.

None of us here is "responsible" or "to blame" for any other sire member's behavior.

We are "responsible" for our own behavior.

Always be full of concience, or consciousness. Dont seconf guess yourself "too much." How much is too much is a matter of personal taste, maybe.

June 14, 2005
1:04 am
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luv2luvher
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you know when I posted this I was really down to the point I wrote what I felt. At that time I did want to end it and it was bad enough on my end. If you really believe it was a individual posting the caused me to feel this way you are wrong. When a person is going through the things that they are going through a little compassion maybe required. I am all for "tough love" or "tell it like it is", but there are many different approaches that can be taken to tell it like it is but not be so blunt. Do you really think I don't know I am "dwelling on it"? I mean I must be pretty stupid if I can't even figure that much out. I never meant to cause this much energy to surge through this site. I posted what I felt at the time and that is what I felt.... I know if I took my life I am being selfish to the people that care for me, but I also know that I am working on me and I hope the day doesn't ever come down to me ending it.

When a person is down and all they want is a person that will listen and not so much reply but gets a knife ran in there gut towards the way they feel, being the person on the edge it just might send them over it... I fortunately am some what capable of stopping myself before I do any thing irrational... But I am human and I feel everyone once in there lives gets to a point where they think it would be better just not being here. They say "God" never gives us more then we can handle... But I believe he gives enough at times it feels this way...

June 14, 2005
7:17 am
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InPainZHT
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luv2luvher,

I actually sympathize with you to a degree; when I was suffering from the worst of my emotional pain from what has now become one of the most learning experiences of my life, there were many people in here who posted replies and "suggestions" to me that, while perhaps well meaning, truly seemed to be just attacks and verbal slaps.

Some of the advice I got was just outright useless; lacking all empathy, I was given some "help" that would have been perfectly okay had I been an emotionless, numb robot... generally given by those who mean well but are in a place of peace now and are no longer in touch with what those deeply painful moments are like, and have forgotten that the same strategm you would use in discussing automobile repair doesn't work on people.

The only reason I kept coming back in was the 5% to 10% of the respondants that truly DID help, and were truly loving and helpful. I continue to come in when I need a little "boost" here and there, and also to hopefully pass down a bit of the good wisdom and helpful advice I did get.

Just take some of the things that the 90-95% of the posters say with SEVERAL grains of salt.

InPain

June 14, 2005
7:38 am
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peacesoul
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INPAIN.. I suggest this site may not be the place for you then.

When I started coming here (4 1/2 months ago) there were many on here that were entering their "place of peace" and in NO WAY was anyone "robotic" with me.
Now that I am in my place of peace, in no way am I robotic with them.

You cannot gereralize and say
"generally given by those who mean well but are in a place of peace now and are no longer in touch with what those deeply painful moments are like, and have forgotten that the same strategm you would use in discussing automobile repair doesn't work on people"

That TRULY is an unfair comment. I can say with certainty that MOST people here recall VERY WELL their pain from past heartaches, including myself.

What is it with you men "slapping" us in the face?? Dudes, get s grip!
This site in not the end all of healing!

June 14, 2005
9:04 am
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Deena
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Lolli..thanks for responding. Maybe I read the post incorrectly:(

Peace....this is endless. I love the drama LOL, but I am getting tired of defending everytime I post and someone doesn't like it.

Inpain...seriously dude, get a grip. Only 5-10% here? I guess the rest of us have our heads up are asses???? Are you ANOTHER one that needs to be coddled and babied? guess so. REALITY CHECK.

June 14, 2005
10:27 am
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glittered when he walked
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My two cents worth:

I don't think that being sensitive to another's state of mine is one and the same as being coddled or babied. There are ways to deliver hard truths to people without being overly blunt or judgmental.

As I see it, we're here to help eachother, not make things worse. There's nothing wrong with providing comfort to people who are in pain - so long as that comfort is not unhealthy for them.

coddling/babieing/excusing bad behavior is not something we should condone, but by the same token we neddn't be overly harsh right? Isn't it easier to effect a change in someone's thinking if they know your motivations are out of love/concern? If they are feeling attacked I think efficacy can be lost.

Beinf firm with people but being with concern is how I see tough love. But what's important for us to understand is hwo we are being perceieved when we give this advice.

June 14, 2005
10:55 am
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site coordinator
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Hey Everybody,

Head butting, defensiveness, insults...

"coddled & babied" that's a personally directed insulting comment. "dude's get a grip" that's insulting as well.

What I hear, are people not listening to each other. A couple people feel hurt or disrespected - maybe they were truly hurt by some feedback here, but folks didn't mean to hurt them. Why not listen to how or why they feel hurt? Just ask.

'Tell it like it is' feedback is not 'what this site is all about'. We may have some advice, but give it gently, and if the person doesn't use it, maybe it plants a seed for the future. No need to force it, the time is not right. If someone needs to spend more time 'where they are', we can wait & let them. If someone specifically asks for a hand to get them out, we can lend it.

Of large importance: What people should really be here for, is for THEMSELVES. None of us should be โ€˜hereโ€™ mostly for helping other people. This site doesn't work that way. We are ultimately here, for ourselves. Please keep the focus on that. Fixing others is not a reason to be here. Lending a hand and pointing out inconsistencies, hidden feelings, agendas, manipulations, patterns, are however... but needs to be done assertively & respectfully. There is no one to attack, nothing to defend, and nothing to prove here.

Empathy, warmth, and encouragement are important parts of helping someone. I personally like the car repair anaology. Helping people is not like walking someone through a car tune up - it's more painful and personal than that.

These things, are what this site is & is not about - from the horses mouth (me) ๐Ÿ™‚

SC

June 14, 2005
11:18 am
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lollipop3
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SC,

Thank you so much for your input, it's always appreciated.

((((hugs))))

Lolli

June 14, 2005
11:29 am
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Deena
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I think I need to leave here for awhile. I would be nowhere right now if people continued to tell me what I wanted to hear all the time. It seems like when I post- I always have to defend myself. Im done with that. People will continue to stay in the "rut" they are in being so sympathetic all the time. And yes, SC some people DO need to get a grip.

Some people turn here because everyone else in their lives are FED UP with the drama and probably are sick of hearing it. And have told them time and time again to move on. SO they come here looking to hear what they want. Then when they don't....oooh bad posters and people being rude.
ANyone that announces to the world that they are going to kill themselves is lost and pathetic. Then tries to blame others (of course) for being rude to them.

Yeah I will say it again...Get a grip. This is life and the real world we are living in. Not candy land. Sometimes people are going to give you their two cents. Take it or leave it....don't cry about it.

June 14, 2005
11:44 am
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peacesoul
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Now ya see Sc, you love to pick on me and the things I say. You got it in for me chicka !
And again, this is why a few weeks ago I never wanted to come back to this site again.
You seem to pick and chose who you are going to lambaste.

"Get a Grip. Babied & Coddled" are insults?? Whatever ! That is the MOST RIDICULOUS thing I have ever heard!

One sec......Calling people on this board "RUDE" then threatening to kill yourself b/c we did not coddle this dude to death...now wait? That is not insulting to ALL of us here who have tried to help this dude?

Funny, I did not see you tell Luv he was insulting !
And of course I know many will agree with me on this, but again will not back me up! Oye !

Again your board and your SILLY rules !

Deena is right, If you want to join the real world with this board then we need not CODDLE and BABY people to the point where they only come here to get CODDLED and not helped.

SC.. you make this silly rules up as you go along. And you wonder why you get attacked all the time.

Ugh....whatever....block me, kick me off, ban me for life...at this point I could care less !

June 14, 2005
11:45 am
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peacesoul
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And Deena, I happen to agree with you 100 %....

June 14, 2005
11:53 am
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glittered when he walked
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Deena,

Isn't there some irony in your statements of "Sometimes people are going to give you their two cents. Take it or leave it....don't cry about" and "I think I need to leave this site for awhile...It seems like when I post- I always have to defend myself. Im done with that?"

I will be the first to agree with you that telling someone what they want to hear when you know it is an unhealthy thing (or lying to them)is unwise. I don't think anyone here would disagree with you on that. But sometimes what people want to hear is not unwise nor unhealthy...maybe they just feel alone?

sure many people do need to get a grip..that's why they come here. : )

June 14, 2005
11:54 am
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peacesoul
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SC LUV writes...

"There are many ppl here that have great advice.. but then again I think the crappy advice that other ppl write is off the wall... They don't take in the feelings of other ppl... Like yourself.... I don't care if I die today or tomorrow... It is no sweat off your back.. You don't know me... but that will be something the world will miss without me... I don't care if I don't know you, your life is more important then mine.... So when someone wants to lend an ear and talk to me but not judge me then maybe I will respond.... . "

A HELL OF A LOT MORE INSULTING THEM ME TELLING HIM TO GET A GRIP !!

Yes telling others they give crappy advise if NOT an insult.
This is why this thread was so popular, b/c this Luv was insulting all of us !

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