Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Trust issue
March 21, 2006
10:55 pm
Avatar
ryny143
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi- Despite the insane amounts of problems my bf & I have, I think we are gonna gove couples counseling a try. Last night he lied about what he was doing after work. Not a HUGE lie, but an unnecessary one, bc he wanted to hang out with his friends (who I dont like). He ended up shutting me & my feelings out COMPLETELY, so I reacted the opposite of how I usually do. I've been strong & not letting him off easy. The thing I need advice on is this: the deal is for HIM to make the counseling appointment & get back to me. I think that we MIGHT be able to get help on the communication issues, and maybe anger management, but now that he has betrayed my trust a couple times lately, how can I trust him ever? This is my biggest fear- to be lied to, so I'm scared he will resort back to lying after a little while of us being ok. DOes counseling help with that or is it something I have to work out on my own? I brought it up a few times today & he just gets mad, defensive, and says "I told you I messed up & it wont happen again!" So.....what now?

March 21, 2006
11:44 pm
Avatar
free2choose
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am never saying that lying is the fault of the person being lied to, nor is it acceptable. However in this case,, it may be understandable.

Let me explain before anyone jumps me.

You said admittedly that the two of you have comunication problems. You also admit that you do not like the friends that he lied to you about seeing.

I believe that in order to have honesty in a relationship, there is first a need for great comunication ability, and also, a say anything and not get attacked or nagged at.

I am not saying that you do nag, or that you do attack, but I have a question...If he would have told you he was going out with those friends, what would the consequenses have been??

I think that couples counseling works wonders for people who go willing to work. it has done amazing things for my partner and I, but we both were willing to do what it takes.

Trust is something that is earned. But there has to be factors there on both peoples parts in order for trust and honest comunication to build.

Look at your part. Ask yourself, do I make it hard for my partner to be hinest with me?? if not, well, GOOD!! But if you do, what can your part be to alleviate that?

Also, let your partner know how hard it is for you to trust, when he lies. I would not keep bringing it up harping on it, but make sure he knows just what it does to you, and to your relationship. let him know what you have found out about your own inner searching. if you nag, admit you know you nag, and tell him you will work on not nagging, if he is honest.

Compromise is HUGE in relationships. There are certain things about YOURSELF that you should never compromise, but there are also certain things were both people have different needs, both valid, and for it to work, a compromise must be met.

Always look for the win/win situation. that way you both get what you want and need.

Sometimes this is impossible, and that is when you have to ask yourself, how much can I bend, and how important is it!??

Dr. Phil said the other day, "Don't put your relationship on the line for the day to day things." I think this is so true! That just eats away at the sence of security.

If both people are willing, in 99% of the situations and problems, a workable compromise can be met where neither partner has to hurt.

Good luck. I've never talked to you before that I can remember, so welcome!!!

Keep us posted on how it works out,

Erica

Free2Choose

March 22, 2006
9:02 pm
Avatar
ryny143
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow your advice has made more sense than ever & I thank you for that. YES it wouldve been hell if he told me what he was doing, but since day 1, four years ago, we have been SO controlling of eachother. God forbid a friend came over to watch a movie with me, nevermind go to a bar! So I think I turned into him in that way. It's very difficult for me to accept him doing anything with his friends, bc of the types of guys they are. When we fight, he resorts to them & that makes me hate them even more......and they hate me because of the drama he & I have. etc etc..... But anyway, it's gonna be tough to trust him, but he promises me he will try to fix everything beween him & I before he goes out with them again. I want o accept that, so I think I will- but this is the last time. I have shut everyone out of my life so I have like one friend, and my mom, as my support group, which may be another reason I feel so protective of him. Thank you so much for responding. You make so much sense. 🙂

March 22, 2006
10:18 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ryny,

I'm not sure what you are afraid that he might be doing when he is out, but no matter what it is....there is no amount of yelling, crying, arguing, controlling, manipulating, begging, etc. etc. that is going to stop him from doing something if he wants to do it. We as codependents must learn and accept that the only person we can control is ourselves. It is very important that you learn to keep the focus on YOU and the things you can change.

Is it possible that on the nights he goes out with his friends, that you can do something for yourself so you don't obsess about what he may or may not be doing? Perhaps go out with your friends, join a support group or even take some classes at night. Or even just plan a night for yourself where you watch a movie that you've wanted to see (a chick flick maybe) or take a nice bubble bath and read a good book.

I think the more you take care of you, the less insecure you will feel when it comes to him and the less you will feel the need to try to control him.

I know that it can be hard and scary as well, but it is really important for you to learn to take care of yourself and your own needs. As much as you can't do it for him....he can't do it for you either.

I hope this helped.

Lolli

March 22, 2006
11:16 pm
Avatar
ryny143
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli- thank you. It is so hard for me to do anything for myself, lately. The 1st 3 years I was very much into making myself happy, but now, when he is hurting me more than ever, I am more needy & wrapped up in him...and us. Why does this happen? I went to a support group last night for the 1st time, but it was right after we had a fight & I turned off my phone. The whole hour I was freaking out inside that he was calling, etc., KNOWING the million questions I'd get when I talked to him. It seems like no matter what I am doing, he is still right there in the front of my mind. I gotta change this somehow bc it's not a good feeling. Thanks again

March 25, 2006
11:49 pm
Avatar
free2choose
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli said,

"there is no amount of yelling, crying, arguing, controlling, manipulating, begging, etc. etc. that is going to stop him from doing something if he wants to do it. We as codependents must learn and accept that the only person we can control is ourselves."

YES!!! So true!!!

I remember my last relationship, the one that was REALLY my bottom.

OMYGOD! I was hideously desperate. I had no self respect, no self control. She was MY LIFE. I was so afraid, so desperate. And the more I felt us falling apart, the tighter I tried to hold on, the more frantic I got, the more desperate. I would cry, beg, plead. When that did not work I'd switch to manipulation, guilt tripping. When that did not word I'd switch to cold indifference, withdrawl of love. When that did not work I would switch to rage, intimidation, throwing things. but iventually, NONE of it worked and all it did was further and further damage our relationship, her trust in me, our security, and my self respect.

I'd never go back to that now. And if I feel myself getting anywhere near it, I know WHOOOAAAHHH!!! Step on the breaks!!! I gotta talk to my therapist.

You can change. You can become self contained, self dependent, and have a healthy relationship.

It just take a HUGE amount of will, want, work, and grace.

Erica

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111121
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38715
Posts: 714567
Newest Members:
lovingLaa, zokgassi, Wilthe, Marek, ssdchemical33, jack1palmer
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information