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Today I told two secrets I have never told a soul.
June 19, 2005
11:20 am
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revelation
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I couldn't believe I told them,

Look, if anyone doesn't like reading stuff about sexual assault, please don't read any further, I didn't go into detail below...but I don't want to trigger anything for anyone ok guys???

BF and I are really firing on all burners these days, communicating talking and touching like never before, any problems that arise, anything either of us are unhappy about, its just talked about and a comprimise or solution is reached. Both of us being the stubborn, insecure people we are, makes that something to be proud of. This site has just been soooo good, for me. And for anyone going through the horrible effects of insecurity and paranoia in a relationship, the best piece of advice I can give is "Explain, talk, communicate".

today we were talking and I blurted out two incidents that occured when I was 16 and 18.
These are incidents I thought I would not and could not ever discuss, for fear of embaressment and shame. If anyone else told me these stories I'd immediately say "Hey, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of, the people who did these things to you...Now THEY should be ashamed", but somehow, thats not what you thing when these things are about yourself.

One was an incident with my first boyfriend at 16 who tried to have sex with me against my will, I was a virgin, I fought him off, he punched and pinned me to the ground, I fought until one of his friends who was in the room watching, stopped it.
Another incident was when I was 18 and in a park at night with some friends, We "befriended" 5 guys and well...it all culminated with me being pinned to the ground and held down by 4 of them while one proceeded to unzip his jeans, of course again, I fought like a demon against them, scratching, screaming, kicking and punching...thankfully my friend heard what was going on from a few yards away came up from behind and fought them off with me....they got bored with the fight I think and then started to throw water at us....thats all I remember.

I never mentioned it again and nor did my friend and nobody but nobody in my family or close friends EVER knew about this.

So I told my BF, we were discussing something related to assault and I told him. I'm glad I talked about it...it makes me feel less ashamed, less like I am a nasty ugly person.

Thanks all....

June 19, 2005
11:22 am
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SoulSpirit
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Saying No is never your fault! Did you feel better inside, that you were able to share those secrets with the man you love?

June 19, 2005
11:27 am
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revelation
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Oh wow...I really feel so much better!

I never thought that these two incidents effected me I thought I had "forgotten" them, now I realise, I didn't, they were always in my subconsious. Honestly, I feel a little lighter now or something...talking really helps.

June 19, 2005
4:28 pm
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SoulSpirit
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Especially with someone you trust!

June 19, 2005
5:43 pm
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revelation
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yes...so, is that why I never said it before? Because I never trusted anyone? thought people would mock me or judge me, yes probably....so now I am surprised, because I usually have such problems trusting, it feels great that I have been able to do this.

I am feeling good today and positive and so much love and respect for the people on this board....fabulous people, I hope everyone is having a good day.

June 19, 2005
6:30 pm
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Rasputin
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Sweet Rev,

Confession is very healing for the soul. Since, you are Catholic, so it must be something very familiar to you.

A few days ago, I confessed my life's events on a thread. It was very healing to me, I felt so comforted, so relieved from the past and its pains. I believe it's part of our healing process purification we're going thru.

Keep up the admirable work, I am very proud of your confessions!

(((Hugs)))

June 19, 2005
7:14 pm
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CODA_Mom
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revelation,

So sorry that you have gone thru those things and, as Soul mentioned, it was not your fault that they happened. Thank you for counting us worthy here of your trust in sharing.

I have also found wonderful release and acceptance here in sharing things I have not been able to share elsewhere.

((((Hugs))))

CM

June 19, 2005
7:19 pm
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mamacinnamon
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((((((((REVELATION)))))))

That's it. just hugs. I'm proud of you for fighting then and for talking about it now. 🙂

June 20, 2005
6:53 pm
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gazelle
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Well done, Rev! What bravery to release it, to your bf & also here. Now you are F R E E E E! Hoorah.

June 20, 2005
7:20 pm
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CODA_Mom
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(((Rasputin)))

I am so glad that you were able to post some of your painful past here as well.

About 2 weeks ago, I brought up some things that I thought were pretty well hidden. It was upsetting at first and took me a few days to feel balanced again, but I agree so much with what you said, that confession is healing.

Thank you for your sweet encouragement here, many blessings to you 🙂

CM

June 20, 2005
7:37 pm
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Rasputin
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Thank you Sweetie (Coda_Mom)! Yes indeed. I am so thrilled I did so. It is much better than doing that in Church or with social worker.

There is some magic when we right down our thoughts in journal or here.

(((Hugs)))

June 23, 2005
3:36 pm
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2bstrong
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Dear revelation,

The courage of people on these boards never ceases to amaze me. I posted those same thoughts on another thread today. It takes a great amount of courage just to put things in writing sometimes. For me, it is overcoming my own fear of truth a lot of times.

Even though this site is anonymous, over time you develop relationships with people. I always appreciate being trusted enough to be privileged to someone's most private thoughts and feelings.

I am so sorry you had to experience the trauma of those attacks. How scary it must have been.

I hope you realize what beautiful strength you have and thank you again for inspiring courage and truth in all of us.

With warm regards, 2b.

June 24, 2005
3:16 pm
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revelation
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2b I am truly honored that you think that of me. You like the others on this site are one of the good-guys!

Thanks so much.
Rev.

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