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...to heal my broken self....#2
September 1, 2008
7:07 pm
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byoung10280
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September 27, 2010
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***I posted this in support, but I am looking to get opinions from everyone, so posting it here too in hopes that someone/anyone might read it***

Hi there.

I have a question for everyone.

A lot has gone on in my life as of late and I will try to explain briefly before I ask my question.

I'm 27, kind of cute, good personality on the outside, funny, outgoing for the most part. I was dating someone for a little over a month, it ended when said person chose to go back to an ex. Broke my heart and in turn, I finally realized that I am codependent. I am able to look back now with a outside eye and see how I was in my past relationships and see just how unhealthy they were. It all stemmed from the same thing, me having a huge fear of rejection. Things would be going just fine and the second I started sniffing even the slightest bit of smoke, or even make believe smoke, I would start freaking out that the relationship was going to end, they were going to leave, not like me anymore, hate me, stop loving me, LEAVE ME. And in a way, I would end up causing what I so feared the most.

Anywho, I know I have a long way to go. I do not like myself. I look in the mirror and do not like what I see. I hate myself on the inside. I smile and laugh and play like I'm fine and act like the air of confidence, and that is how I end up in the relationships, but it doesnt take long for the self-conscious, insecure me to come out. I know I need to change this and learn to love myself... but I haven't got the first clue how. I don't know where to start. How do you learn to love yourself? How do you fix you to where when you look in the mirror you dont despise what you see? I have always placed my self worth on what others thought of me. If someone wanted me... my world was magic. If no one wanted me, my world was over.

I recently lost my job.. which, don't feel bad for me.. I hated it anyway and see no need to feel bad about losing a job I didnt like in the first place. But here is my thing. Although I may not be there financially, I am in a position where I can move anywhere in the states that I so choose and start over. I live in Cali right now and am not happy here. I don't like the lack of seasons. I miss storms and snow and stuff like that. So I've been trying to decide where I want to go but I am afraid that no matter where I go, I will not be happy because until I am happy with myself, I will not be happy no matter where I go. Cause no matter where I go, everytime I turn around, there I am. I was talking to my mom and she keeps telling me to get a dog. That a dog will help me love and will make me happy. I don't know if it's a good idea because if I'm unstable, why in the world would I place an animal in my care. And by unstable I mean, a place of my own, a steady job, loving myself (not suicidal or nothing like that!!)

I dunno... what do you all think? Think a dog is a good idea? And how do I love myself? How do I start? Shoot...WHERE do I start? **sigh** I feel so lost right now. Like I'm spinning in circles.

September 2, 2008
12:05 am
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WizardofAus
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September 24, 2010
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I would like to offer you some choices as to how you think about your situation.

You say you have fears that your lover will leave you and this will be really bad for you. Ok, these thoughts are all about the future. And when we think about future events we are mainly talking about possibilities rather than certainties. So try this exercise. When you think, "He may leave me and that will be really awful, etc", try to add a second thought, "or it may work out really good, I really do not know, yet." You may also be able to add other possibilities like "we may end up together at 65 and he will snore really loud." The idea is to appreciate that your fears are only possibilities that may never happen. That is another good catch phrase when you feel yourself fearing the future - "but it may never, happen."

A second idea about the future is to remember that all thoughts about the future are the product of our imagination - they are fantasies not facts, right? Now if you are going to have a fantasy, why not have a happy one. Sure it may never happen but at least you get to be happy until it happens one way or the other. Another good catch phrase is "that day, that problem" or remember that old movie, "I will cry tomorrow."

Mark Twain put it very wisely, "In my lifetime, I have had many, many horrible things to worry about - a couple of which actually happened."

A third idea is for when you are worried that someone else is going to do something awful to you; like leave you really lonely, etc. Just ask yourself, "if that actually happened to me, how would I respond." This question shifts the focus back to the only bit of life that we can really control; our own behaviour. At the moment your focus seems to be on how much abandonment hurts. However, in the past you seem to have survived these abandonments to actually smile and fall in love again, right? So focus on that bit of success in your life. Abandonment may hurt like crazy, but you know you can survive it.

Finally, try to upgrade your absolute needs to preferences. If you feel that you absolutely must have a lover in your life, or a job, or whatever, try to restate the idea as "I would prefer to have xxxx, but I know I will survive without it."

This upgrade from "must have or I will die" to "I would like it, but I will survive without it", may allow your natural creativity to flow so that you find yourself using your energy to create a happy future instead of using your energy to worry about and grieve for a future that may never actually be all that bad.

I know these are simple ideas and your situation must feel somewhat overwhelming, but I hope that they may help.

Best wishes for a better tomorrow.

September 2, 2008
2:12 am
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WizardofAus
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September 24, 2010
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I would like to offer you some choices as to how you think about your situation.

You say you have fears that your lover will leave you and this will be really bad for you. Ok, these thoughts are all about the future, right? And when we think about future events we are mainly talking about possibilities rather than certainties. So try this exercise. When you think, "He may leave me and that will be really awful, etc", try to add a second thought, "or it may work out really good, I really do not know, yet." You may also be able to add other possibilities like "we may end up together at 65 and he will snore really loud." The idea is to appreciate that your fears are only possibilities that may never happen. That is another good catch phrase when you feel yourself fearing the future - "but it may never, happen."

A second idea about the future is to remember that all thoughts about the future are the product of our imagination - they are fantasies not facts, right? Now if you are going to have a fantasy, why not have a happy one. Sure it may never happen but at least you get to be happy until the reality actually happens one way or the other. Another good catch phrase is "that day, that problem" or remember that old movie, "I will cry tomorrow."

Mark Twain put it very wisely, "In my lifetime, I have had many, many horrible things to worry about - a couple of which actually happened."

A third idea is for when you are worried that someone else is going to do something awful to you; like leave you really lonely, etc. Just ask yourself, "if that actually happened to me, how would I respond." This question shifts the focus back to the only bit of life that we can really control; our own behaviour. At the moment your focus seems to be on how much abandonment hurts. However, in the past you seem to have survived these abandonments to actually smile and fall in love again, right? So focus on that bit of success in your life. Abandonment may hurt like crazy, but you know you can survive it.

Finally, try to upgrade your absolute needs to preferences. If you feel that you absolutely must have a lover in your life, or a job, or whatever, try to restate the idea as "I would prefer to have xxxx, but I know I will survive without it."

This upgrade from "must have or I will die" to "I would like it, but I will survive without it", may allow your natural creativity to flow so that you find yourself using your energy to create a happy future instead of using your energy to worry about and grieve for a future that may never actually be all that bad.

I know these are simple ideas and your situation must feel somewhat overwhelming, but I hope that they may help.

Best wishes for a better tomorrow.

September 5, 2008
10:02 pm
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HEARTS
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September 24, 2010
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Wizard of Aus: That was a fantastic answer to her question, in my opinion. I came to this site at this moment because I'm very sad and hurt because I'm lonely and alone and my relationships with my family are very strained and alot of negativity is seeping in. Instead of letting it roll off my back, I'm internalizing all the what if's. But, like you said, just change my negative what if's to positive what if's. How very simple to put it and set my mind to do. Thanks, I don't know if you helped her, but you sure helped me!!

September 5, 2008
10:05 pm
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MsGuided
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(((((WizardofAWESOME)))))

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