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To BFG
June 15, 2010
10:55 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((Barefoot Girl)))

I wanted to keep the garden and pond thread on its intended topic and not muddy it up with this other stuff... so I started this thread.

What I am about to say, I say with love and compassion and because I can relate to your reactions because I have been there myself and I'm sure I'll be there again in the future. I beleive in you and think you are a great person who has the ability to do many wonderful things. I also see someone who is suffering because they often feel attacked, put down, and singled out.

I am sharing this because when I have felt like this, I have benefited from having a friend share their perspective with me. At first I was so angry with her and was deeply hurt, but once I worked through it I realized that she didn't hurt me but I was hurt because what she said was right and I just didn't know how to take it. It sas easier to be upset with her than to be upset with myself because I was already hurting so much.

I respect you and want only the best for you which is why I share that from what I have read, I do not see where others are unusually upset, dislike or otherwise think ill of you in an extreme way. What I have observed here is that they are reacting to you in the same way that they do to others. Your feelings I beleive are real, that is how you feel. Sometimes it seems that the negative is maginfied in your perception while the positive is minimized. I also see you focusing on the negative and hurtful aspects of things and coating them with glue so they stick to your brain, while the support and postive things are acknowledged briefly then coated in oil and allowed to slide away from your thoughts into an abyss.

Awareness is the first step in recovery and healing. I hope this helps you become a happier, healthier person. If you feel my thoughts are in error, then that is OK too. I don't pretend to know anything. I'm just sharing my perception and it could be dead wrong. Or it could be right on and you are not ready to see that. Regardless of which option it is, I have shared this perception with an open heart in the spirit of friendship. I hope at least that it is received in that same vein.

I wish you well and support you doing what you need to. If that is to leave, than I will miss you. If that is to stay, than I look forward to seeing you around.

Lots of hugs and acceptance

June 15, 2010
11:22 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I do often do that, I tend to let the hurt linger and the kindness slip away, I have no idea why I do do that, there were things hurled at me in a very vile way that others seen and pointed out as well and I had hurled some ugly things in repsonse to my hurt...its all been dealt with and we all made our peace on it that, the three of us but the others who were not even involved were the ones who kept it going, were ganging up and taunting me and calling me names that had kept going on after me and cary and msg made our peace, i guess some people here are not happy unless they keep mudsliging, must make them happy for some reason but you know what, I need to go, just leave, I need some peace in my life...I appreciate what you say and I do agree with it, I do focus on my pain too much and what is directed to me and I do discount the nice stuff, I always done that, I have no idea why, I might need to get back on my antidepressants and I think I need to go into childhood counseling for abuse issues...I am tired of being made to feel like a failure and a fool...I know I made a few mistakes here, I see that, I am sorry, I am tired of being hung out here and tied to the stake...its too much for me right now...
Mydas, I know you understand, I read your life stories on here and I see where you came from, you understand, for some reason you overcame things and you are one amazing person who is more healthy than most...for some reason you overcome that and its shows ALOT here, this place is lucky to have you here...I am still stuck in the mud and in my issues, I have no idea why, been helped by an amazing friend at one point in my life and some counseling I had back when my deductibles were only 50 a session...I need to find a way to get help, but I am middle class and there is no help for me, we make too much too get reduced help...and we have college and retirement to save for, and well bills...Its a struggle day to day..this was why I was here, cause I needed help so badly, someone to listen and to learn things, but this place is only good for so much in life, it can't solve my issues of a horrible childhood and what was done to me, according one person here, there is no help for me, I heard her say that people like me never get well and that stastically I will never recover, maybe she is right, maybe I am just beyond help, I certainly hope not, I think I am borderline or bipolar and just don't know it, or maybe some other disease that has no hope, who knows...all I know is that I am in alot of pain and feel like poison to myself and all around me and I feel trapped...I need to go, I need to stop looking to see who wrote bad things bout me, who wrote good things or what ever here, I just need to go, I feel as if will cry a river now after writing this, maybe i should let the tears all come out, I am on one hand afraid of that, that I might not stop that I might become committed and have no one for my child for who loves her, for if not for her, I be dead by now, I Am sure of that...she needs me and I need her just as much...

I am sorry, for the drama, for the unkind remarks, for all of it, I have to go and find a way to stay above water on my own now, Please forgive me..Goodbye.

June 15, 2010
12:46 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((BFG)))

I understand what you are saying and I respect that you need to go.

Just know that I still struggle with the same things you do. I feel like a failure, dirty, broken all the time. I make a huge effort to focus on the positive becuase the negative sticks like velcro and the positive slides off like teflon. I have had many people tell me that I am hopeless, that I will always struggle in life, that I will always be scarred from abuse.

But I have seen first hand an alternative and have incorporated it into my life...

Don't listen to them, they are wrong.

The only reason they seem right is because we allow them to be by following their guidance (we beleive we are hopeless so we don't expect to get better and our actions support our expectations).

Its not that simple I know, but the people who overcome these things do so because they REFUSE to believe that it is hopeless.

BFG, you have the ability to overcome this. You are a very strong and capable person, if you beleive you are. It doesn't matter what others think of you, unless you allow it to matter. Don't be a reflection of their perceptions, instead become a painting that shows the world who you are. What they see in that painting is their business, what you paint yourself to be is your business. By just giving in to what others tell you, you have covered your canvass in a mirror.

Here sister, take a hammer and break that mirror. Even if you never return to AAC, please nail this thought to your brain.

You are a wonderful capable person who can be happy and overcome anything and is worthy of having wonderful things in your life. You can do it. No one has an entirely wonderful life, we all have issues. It a choice on which events we keep replaying in our memory and which we let fade away.

One thing that helps me, is to keep a "book of good" Its just a notebook where I'm only allowed to write down positive things and I make mayself write at least one positive thing a day. I find that sometimes I'll go out and try to create something positive just so I can write about it in my book. It can be something as simple as I wore my favorite shirt today, or ate an especially sweet and juicy peach or as profound as I finally felt like I was worthy of the compliment my boss gave me.

You will be missed and I wish you only the best in life and send you prayers that you practice and further develop the skill of holding on to the good of life while releasing the negative.

June 15, 2010
5:51 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Wow...I can't leave till I resppnd to you and what you wrote...I am shocked you felt/feel this way...you are so full of compassion and wisdom and I mean that btw...that its hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact you feel this way and came from such a similiar place...amazing mydas...if just half the world has your heart I beileve there be no wars...no broken homes...and only peace would prevail...
Your post really made me cry...so hard and the hammer comment even more so...I never faced my self esteem issues...once someone kind who is a lot like you told me to look in the mirror and say I love you...I can't...
I am one of those people who will prolly always have a pity party for myself...you know what they say...tough love and all...guess I am on my way to hell foer that one...oh well who cxares...I don't...
I need to feel something here...I been numb all my life surrounded by psycopaths who told me god does not like people who are like me...weak and the list goes on...
I need a pity party...I don't need to be forgiven...and I do not need nything but to...
Figure out how to love me, to foegive me and how to be happy...how to get along and blend in...how to take my sadness and deal with it...how not to be angry...
How? God left me long ago...I am not even sure it exists and I have no other ideas to how to move on...
My parents and sister could care less if I died tomorrow...they turned all the other relartives aganist me...
I am the liar who made up sexual abuse stories...they hate me and I need to learn not to care...my brother may one day just take us all out...now iknow why he is so damaged...dangerous...but society treats him the same...
That is what we do with god by our side...we hate the ones who are the sacapegoats...
So do I see hope...maybe in you mydas...in your example...maybe if I can figure it out...you came far...please wrap your arms around you and squeeze...that is a huge hug to you from me...with love to you;)

June 15, 2010
7:47 pm
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chelonia mydas
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BFG,

I realize at some point you will stop reading these threads and you have already said your good byes. The more I read from you, the more it feels almost like we are sisters. I know you have what it takes to be happy, please don't give up. It is your choice and I won't tell you what to do, but I do want you to make that choice knowing that you have the tools to heal and be happy.

I am not saved by God, Jesus or any other religious icon and I don't care to be. IMHO, we are all part of the balance between chaos and order. Both extremes and all shades of gray in between all have their place and purpose. The events of our life is our opportunity to participate in that balance. It is our chance to stand up and do our best to be the best we can. That is why there will always be changes, because life is never in perfect balance at any given moment, it is always actively balancing.

Think of it like old fashioned scales that are constantly moving back and forth. (like the ones that symbolize the justice system with the two platforms hanging from a single beam balanced on a point) That is the balance of the events of our lives, between pleasure and pain. Sometimes one is greater than the other, but they always fluctuate. Our experiences are times for growth and without them life is stagnent and dead.

We all are the same. You are alive in the same universe I am and we are made of the same molecules that follow all the laws of physics, chemistry, ecology, physiology and psychology. You are just as worthy and able to get to where ever you want to be. If that is to have a life long pity party, then that is what your life will be. If it is to find a way to be happy regardless of what life gives you, than that is what it will be.

Intentions and overall life direction are under a person's control, even if it is released to another, it is still because that individual has the power to give it to them. Control over life's details is not always there, but the way one deals with those details is within their control. It is in those reactions that determine their direction.

I do good because it is the right thing to do and I want to. I do bad because the outcomes are worth the consequences or because I'm stuck in a patter and haven't gotten the skills yet to get out. I work very hard to make my life what it is. It is not easy to counter the ingrained thoughts of being worthless, unwanted and broken, but the rewards are worth it.

You have alot more power and control over your life than you realize. Some organized religions try to limit that by instilling a belief that it is their diety's will that is responsible for this or that. And that you have to follow these guidelines for life or you won't be OK. Don't get me wrong religion brings comfort, guidance and a community of support to millions world wide and it serves a very important part of many people's existence. But there are some of us out there that fall through the cracks and feel somehow that we are less because life has given us a different set of ingredents to bake with. So if your life has given you a bulb of garlic just change your cake to more of a quiche or a casserole and stop listening to those folks that encourage you to make a german chocolate cake and think that somehow the garlic won't come through.

My abuse has forever changed my life and how I see things, just like a clove of garlic would forever change the flavor of chocolate cake. So I accept that and have decided to use a different recipe that better fits my life. I've taken that mix and have have made some kick ass mole sauce over tofu and veggies with homemade tortillas.

You are who you are and your life experiences are part of that fabric. They are part of your past, they do not have to determine your future and they surely do not define who you are as a person. The only time that this is true is if we believe it to be true.

BFG, I meant it when I said you have the power to break that mirror and paint your canvas. I encourage you to look at gifts life has given you and make something delicious with it. If at first its too difficult to look at the gifts you have, then look at someone else in your similar situation and assess what life has given them. I usually find that if I am really honest with myself, I have simialr gifts too.

June 15, 2010
8:09 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I also feel very in tune with you too. I am going to try to stay but only in places where I feel safe around here..maybe that is the answer for now...I know posting here with you and hepburn, misguided, alien and a few others...I feel happier and I also feel a need to post to certain new posters who are dealing with my answers...it was never my intention to run away from my problems as some said of me...maybe that is their view of me...but I sometimes need to protect myself too and that may mean not posting or responding for a time...to me that is taking my control back and having some control of what happens to me...I love meeting new people here...people from all backgrounds and experiences..and knowing I can help someone now and then helps me feel better about myself...
(((((((((((Mydas!))))))))))))))

June 15, 2010
8:29 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I often think...how well asdjusted I could of been...
For example sex...
I felt like a whore having married sex...I just can't seem to get comfortable but before marriage, even though I was a christian, I did not as dirty...so why now do I feel dirty now that I am married...
Sex for my husband is also hard for his issues...it just never happens...
It not something we did to us...this is the result of abuse done to us in the past...since we love each other as much as we do...we live with it...
And its not just sex but as you know so much more.....
(((Mydas)) I can't thank you enough...I really can't:)

June 15, 2010
9:00 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Interesting...about falling through the cracks...story of my life I feel...back when I was an dsevout christian...yes me...I felt it was so important to attend church when ever their was any meeting...my heart was good intentioned as I really wanted to do what god wanted me too
Yet when I was around people...esp in the church and I went to several over my lifespan....
I never fit in...I was like a square peg trying to fit into a round peg...and people always took advantage of me and I just got tired of it...
I then was reading a bible story to my daughter about abraham and god calling him to kill his son...the pic in the childrens story book was colorful with this man bounding his son and pulling out a knife...all the sudden this man hears gods voice saying...oh just a test?! Are you fucking kidding me? I then started to see a lot of things in church and the bible that pissed me off...I am sorry but I see nothing good in the cxhristian church...nothing but sociopaths using old laws to abuse and keep people in place...
Sorry did not mean to rant on here...I am. Just upset now again..
Sorry.

June 15, 2010
9:48 pm
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chinadoll
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Bfg,

I understand what you mean about the church. I am baptised Christian, and I do believe in God, but I don't go to church as often as I did before.

I used to enjoy church, but as you said, it's the people. I'm sorry to say, I know we are all broken in some ways, but I have felt judged all of my life. I feel judged even more when I am at church.

First of all, my family is multi-racial, multi-cultural...there are many different religions in my family. Although I am baptised Christian, my sister is baptised Catholic, and my brother chose not to be baptised. There are Buddhists, Catholics, Christians in my family, you name it. I also study Taoism, which is similar to Buddhism. When tell this to people at my Christian church, you would think I am worshiping Satan.

I worship in my own way. I talk directly to God. I don't need to go to church for them to talk to God for me. If I go to church, it is because I choose to, not because I feel like I "have to" go, or because someone is telling me I "should".

I try really hard to get rid of "should" and "have to". If there is a law, I will follow it, but if it is another person telling me, I ask why they think I "should". There is a lot of people that think they know what is best. Some people have good intentions, others want just to control others. We are all grown adults, capable of making our own decisions for the most part. No one should be saying "should", "have to", "need to" to anyone who is grown, unless they ask you if it is so.

I try my best to tell people things that will make them think, so they can make their own decisions. I try to not give too much advice, unless they ask. People at the church, they were really judgmental of how I live my life. They don't pay my bills, so why do they tell me how to live? When I had asked for help, they were "too busy". I am very careful when I consider what the people from my church have asked of me. I have tried other churches, too. Somehow, it seems like the most judgmental ones find me, and scold me. Maybe it's not true. Maybe I just think that.

I don't think I am doing too many wrong things. I don't smoke, don't do drugs, break laws, hurt people or steal...if I have a drink with alcohol, it's only on rare occasion for celebration. I don't really have any judgment of what others do. It's their life to live. I only mentioned those things since I could not really come up with examples on the top of my head.

Taoism deals with nature and balance. All living things live in this world in harmony. We learn about "chi" which is about energy. Energy that is good will flow. Energy that is bad will cause resistance. In other words, stress. When you try to go against the natural flow which is to be, you will have resistance. Think of a river. The water flows. You block the river with a log, and it makes resistance. Our bodies are no different. We are energy and it is in us and around us. We feel energy from other people. We all have it.

When I have a bad energy flow with a person, I have to not be around them. I can feel their "chi" come thru me when I sense their presence. Either thru a computer or in person, on the phone. There were so many of the people I would meet at church that had this bad "chi". It's not their fault or my fault. We just don't flow.

I have learned to listen to my gut instinct. To take better time to know others, and then I can feel their "chi". I started to do this little by little after my ex-husband left. I didn't listen to my gut or anything else when I was with him. I listened to his lies, and he damaged my life in many ways. Part of it was my fault for letting it go on so long.

There were some people at the church that hurt me very badly. I was misled to believe that a person from the church would not hurt me. I always try to see the good in people, but now I look to see if there is any bad.

Not that all of us are 100% good. I try my best to do the right thing and be honest. Today my boyfriend and I were texting, and I realized something I said, could have upset him, so I apologized and explained what I meant to say. He hasn't responded, I know he is working right now, so I am sure he is busy. But I worry that I hurt him. I have to be patient and wait for him to respond.

I understand where you are coming from, a lot of times, I still feel bad about my mistakes and tell myself I should have known better. I hope one day I can stop beating myself up in my mind. I still get anxiety sometimes that makes me distracted and I procrastinate. I know I will never do everything 100% right. But I keep trying to start over.

There are so many people thru my life have told me I would fail, I would never make it, what is the use of trying so hard. But I try to not care what they say. I do what I need to for me, not for them. If they don't like it...they have not lived my life. They have not endured the things I have, so what they tell me does not always mean that much to me. I still struggle with things in my head.

You have every right to protect yourself from people who you do not care to be around. You don't even have to explain yourself to them, just don't respond to them anymore. People can apologize if they feel like they need to, like I did to my boyfriend. Heck, I don't even know if he really was upset, it's just what I thought. For all I know, he is probably wondering why I did apologize.

He's actually light-hearted and has a good sense of humor. He teases me a lot, but he is not mean or insensitive about it. But he is good-hearted like me, so I know sometimes I need to tell him that when I say things, it doesn't have to do with him personally. He knows I was abused, and he knows I get anxiety sometimes. He tries to understand.

It's ok if you rant. Don't be sorry. Sometimes I think it's better that way, if people say what they feel instead of pretending that everything is fine.

June 15, 2010
10:21 pm
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(((Chinadoll))) thanks for posting this, I am sorry that you also feel this way too...I do think that alot of people are sociopaths, I was reading a book the other day at Barnes and Noble, while waiting on my daughter to get her book, that said that one in twenty five people are socipathic! I believe its called the sociopath next door, these people thrive on control, they want to tell you have to think, feel and how to live your life and many use the church to fulfill that and worse...
I think the word should is a bad word and I am trying hard to get it out of my life...once and for all but its hard, its been ingrained for how long now? 45 yrs? that is a long long time, as I am sure it is with you...

I sense you also beat yourself up snd the take the blame for things in life, if you don't. I am sorry for reading into that, but one thing I am learning to do, is to have my pity party, for as long as need be, till i am feel i am ready to let it go and move on, and like mydas said, it might last a very long time, SO WHAT!
We who have been abused and in bad situations have to learn to take care of ourselves and nurse our wounds and if no one is around to do that, as that is often the case in life, then we need to do that for us, we owe it to us to care bout us and to nuture us...
for if we have no compassion for us how in the world can we ever pass that on to someone else?
Back in my fundie days and I mean no disrepsect to that word cause in some ways i am still one, will not even go into that, that I had no compassion for others, I judged them as harshly as i judged myself, I was a advactor of tough love and if i heard someone was being a bad child, I would always immediatly feel bad for the poor parents..

Not so much anymore, I see so much now that I been in therapy and now i see why people are the way they are and why they do the things they do, so much of who we are is from our childhood...most of the time, there are always exceptions to this...always are...
I think its important to be able to say how you feel, no matter who is it in your life, to walk on eggshells is not way to live..believe me, I done that all my life with my parents and I am done with that, so VERY DONE!

June 15, 2010
10:38 pm
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and i do not believe anyone can always do things 100 percent correct all the time, that is perfectionism and i know that very well, I used to think that oh gosh i can't be one of those people cause if I were i be perfect or close to it! Not so, its the feeling of wishing things were perfect in life, gosh I am so far from that, but I think down deep I strive to be or I want to be too much...that can cause alot of self esteem issues as always comparing ourselves to others and feeling we come up short...
I did this alot, I would get ready as a young adult for a date or to go out with some friends, to hang out in a club or what have you and I would spend alot of time doing my hair, nails and clothes and makeup to the point where I was kind of obessive bout it, I would be ok with myself till I got out around others, then I started to feel inferior, not thin as others, not as pretty, not dressed as well, it just went on and before the night was over, I felt ugly and even worse cause I had several drinks, felt as if I was blending into the background and felt rejected, its not that I looked bad, I really did look good back them, I was thin and I was very pretty, not bragging here, trying ot make a point, but I did not see that at that time, cause of comparing myself to others and getting my self worth from people who sensed how weak in side I felt and knew how to take advantage of that, esp after a few drinks, I was not cheap or easy but I did do things at times I was not too proud of, I am sure many here would of called me a slut, well I was not a slut, I was a human being who wanted someone to love me, to accept me, to just at least pay attention to me, cause I was drowning in my despair, i was starting to fall apart back then, I thought of killing myself, believe me I was much worse back then...guess that does not say too much about me huhn?
But its a point I want to make for you and for anyone else reading this who might be in that postion today...
Don't do it, do not try to make people like you from the outside in or do things you know are not in your best interest cause you want someone to love you, you are not cheap, even if you do things that are cheap, no human being on this earth is cheap and discardable, we are all walking miracles if you really think of it, some of us are given more in life, more love, more support, and therefore have less problems in life, if that is anyone out there, then be glad you were not me or someone like me, I had to fight for how far I came today, I had to fight for what self esteem I have today...every ounce of it, I stll have to fight to keep it today..but its a fight worth fighting for, for my sanity, its that or the alternative, which I will not settle for..not anymore.

June 16, 2010
9:53 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I am off now to go about my day, thanks guys for being here, for helping me feel better and for caring bout me, means alot to me:)
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

June 16, 2010
7:38 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Chelonia Mydas...
I hope your ok...if you ever need to vent, talk or need a friend...please post to me...I am here for you....

June 15, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((Barefoot Girl)))

I wanted to keep
the garden and pond thread on its intended topic and not muddy it
up with this other stuff... so I started this thread.

What I am about to
say, I say with love and compassion and because I can relate to
your reactions because I have been there myself and I'm sure I'll
be there again in the future. I beleive in you and think you are a
great person who has the ability to do many wonderful things. I
also see someone who is suffering because they often feel attacked,
put down, and singled out.

I am sharing this
because when I have felt like this, I have benefited from having a
friend share their perspective with me. At first I was so angry
with her and was deeply hurt, but once I worked through it I
realized that she didn't hurt me but I was hurt because what she
said was right and I just didn't know how to take it. It sas easier
to be upset with her than to be upset with myself because I was
already hurting so much.

I respect you and
want only the best for you which is why I share that from what I
have read, I do not see where others are unusually upset, dislike
or otherwise think ill of you in an extreme way. What I have
observed here is that they are reacting to you in the same way that
they do to others. Your feelings I beleive are real, that is how
you feel. Sometimes it seems that the negative is maginfied in your
perception while the positive is minimized. I also see you focusing
on the negative and hurtful aspects of things and coating them with
glue so they stick to your brain, while the support and postive
things are acknowledged briefly then coated in oil and allowed to
slide away from your thoughts into an abyss.

Awareness is the
first step in recovery and healing. I hope this helps you become a
happier, healthier person. If you feel my thoughts are in error,
then that is OK too. I don't pretend to know anything. I'm just
sharing my perception and it could be dead wrong. Or it could be
right on and you are not ready to see that. Regardless of which
option it is, I have shared this perception with an open heart in
the spirit of friendship. I hope at least that it is received in
that same vein.

I wish you well
and support you doing what you need to. If that is to leave, than I
will miss you. If that is to stay, than I look forward to seeing
you around.

Lots of hugs and
acceptance

June 15, 2010
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I do
often do that, I tend to let the hurt linger and the kindness slip
away, I have no idea why I do do that, there were things hurled at
me in a very vile way that others seen and pointed out as well and
I had hurled some ugly things in repsonse to my hurt...its all been
dealt with and we all made our peace on it that, the three of us
but the others who were not even involved were the ones who kept it
going, were ganging up and taunting me and calling me names that
had kept going on after me and cary and msg made our peace, i guess
some people here are not happy unless they keep mudsliging, must
make them happy for some reason but you know what, I need to go,
just leave, I need some peace in my life...I appreciate what you
say and I do agree with it, I do focus on my pain too much and what
is directed to me and I do discount the nice stuff, I always done
that, I have no idea why, I might need to get back on my
antidepressants and I think I need to go into childhood counseling
for abuse issues...I am tired of being made to feel like a failure
and a fool...I know I made a few mistakes here, I see that, I am
sorry, I am tired of being hung out here and tied to the
stake...its too much for me right now... Mydas, I know you
understand, I read your life stories on here and I see where you
came from, you understand, for some reason you overcame things and
you are one amazing person who is more healthy than most...for some
reason you overcome that and its shows ALOT here, this place is
lucky to have you here...I am still stuck in the mud and in my
issues, I have no idea why, been helped by an amazing friend at one
point in my life and some counseling I had back when my deductibles
were only 50 a session...I need to find a way to get help, but I am
middle class and there is no help for me, we make too much too get
reduced help...and we have college and retirement to save for, and
well bills...Its a struggle day to day..this was why I was here,
cause I needed help so badly, someone to listen and to learn
things, but this place is only good for so much in life, it can't
solve my issues of a horrible childhood and what was done to me,
according one person here, there is no help for me, I heard her say
that people like me never get well and that stastically I will
never recover, maybe she is right, maybe I am just beyond help, I
certainly hope not, I think I am borderline or bipolar and just
don't know it, or maybe some other disease that has no hope, who
knows...all I know is that I am in alot of pain and feel like
poison to myself and all around me and I feel trapped...I need to
go, I need to stop looking to see who wrote bad things bout me, who
wrote good things or what ever here, I just need to go, I feel as
if will cry a river now after writing this, maybe i should let the
tears all come out, I am on one hand afraid of that, that I might
not stop that I might become committed and have no one for my child
for who loves her, for if not for her, I be dead by now, I Am sure
of that...she needs me and I need her just as much...

I am sorry, for
the drama, for the unkind remarks, for all of it, I have to go and
find a way to stay above water on my own now, Please forgive
me..Goodbye.

June 15, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((BFG)))

I understand what
you are saying and I respect that you need to go.

Just know that I
still struggle with the same things you do. I feel like a failure,
dirty, broken all the time. I make a huge effort to focus on the
positive becuase the negative sticks like velcro and the positive
slides off like teflon. I have had many people tell me that I am
hopeless, that I will always struggle in life, that I will always
be scarred from abuse.

But I have seen
first hand an alternative and have incorporated it into my
life...

Don't listen to
them, they are wrong.

The only reason
they seem right is because we allow them to be by following their
guidance (we beleive we are hopeless so we don't expect to get
better and our actions support our expectations).

Its not that
simple I know, but the people who overcome these things do so
because they REFUSE to believe that it is hopeless.

BFG, you have the
ability to overcome this. You are a very strong and capable person,
if you beleive you are. It doesn't matter what others think of you,
unless you allow it to matter. Don't be a reflection of their
perceptions, instead become a painting that shows the world who you
are. What they see in that painting is their business, what you
paint yourself to be is your business. By just giving in to what
others tell you, you have covered your canvass in a
mirror.

Here sister, take
a hammer and break that mirror. Even if you never return to AAC,
please nail this thought to your brain.

You are a
wonderful capable person who can be happy and overcome anything and
is worthy of having wonderful things in your life. You can do it.
No one has an entirely wonderful life, we all have issues. It a
choice on which events we keep replaying in our memory and which we
let fade away.

One thing that
helps me, is to keep a "book of good" Its just a notebook where I'm
only allowed to write down positive things and I make mayself write
at least one positive thing a day. I find that sometimes I'll go
out and try to create something positive just so I can write about
it in my book. It can be something as simple as I wore my favorite
shirt today, or ate an especially sweet and juicy peach or as
profound as I finally felt like I was worthy of the compliment my
boss gave me.

You will be missed
and I wish you only the best in life and send you prayers that you
practice and further develop the skill of holding on to the good of
life while releasing the negative.

June 15, 2010
12:00 am
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Wow...I can't leave till I resppnd to you and what you
wrote...I am shocked you felt/feel this way...you are so full of
compassion and wisdom and I mean that btw...that its hard for me to
wrap my brain around the fact you feel this way and came from such
a similiar place...amazing mydas...if just half the world has your
heart I beileve there be no wars...no broken homes...and only peace
would prevail... Your post really made me cry...so hard and the
hammer comment even more so...I never faced my self esteem
issues...once someone kind who is a lot like you told me to look in
the mirror and say I love you...I can't... I am one of those people
who will prolly always have a pity party for myself...you know what
they say...tough love and all...guess I am on my way to hell foer
that one...oh well who cxares...I don't... I need to feel something
here...I been numb all my life surrounded by psycopaths who told me
god does not like people who are like me...weak and the list goes
on... I need a pity party...I don't need to be forgiven...and I do
not need nything but to... Figure out how to love me, to foegive me
and how to be happy...how to get along and blend in...how to take
my sadness and deal with it...how not to be angry... How? God left
me long ago...I am not even sure it exists and I have no other
ideas to how to move on... My parents and sister could care less if
I died tomorrow...they turned all the other relartives aganist
me... I am the liar who made up sexual abuse stories...they hate me
and I need to learn not to care...my brother may one day just take
us all out...now iknow why he is so damaged...dangerous...but
society treats him the same... That is what we do with god by our
side...we hate the ones who are the sacapegoats... So do I see
hope...maybe in you mydas...in your example...maybe if I can figure
it out...you came far...please wrap your arms around you and
squeeze...that is a huge hug to you from me...with love to
you;)

June 15, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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BFG,

I realize at some
point you will stop reading these threads and you have already said
your good byes. The more I read from you, the more it feels almost
like we are sisters. I know you have what it takes to be happy,
please don't give up. It is your choice and I won't tell you what
to do, but I do want you to make that choice knowing that you have
the tools to heal and be happy.

I am not saved by
God, Jesus or any other religious icon and I don't care to be.
IMHO, we are all part of the balance between chaos and order. Both
extremes and all shades of gray in between all have their place and
purpose. The events of our life is our opportunity to participate
in that balance. It is our chance to stand up and do our best to be
the best we can. That is why there will always be changes, because
life is never in perfect balance at any given moment, it is always
actively balancing.

Think of it like
old fashioned scales that are constantly moving back and forth.
(like the ones that symbolize the justice system with the two
platforms hanging from a single beam balanced on a point) That is
the balance of the events of our lives, between pleasure and pain.
Sometimes one is greater than the other, but they always fluctuate.
Our experiences are times for growth and without them life is
stagnent and dead.

We all are the
same. You are alive in the same universe I am and we are made of
the same molecules that follow all the laws of physics, chemistry,
ecology, physiology and psychology. You are just as worthy and able
to get to where ever you want to be. If that is to have a life long
pity party, then that is what your life will be. If it is to find a
way to be happy regardless of what life gives you, than that is
what it will be.

Intentions and
overall life direction are under a person's control, even if it is
released to another, it is still because that individual has the
power to give it to them. Control over life's details is not always
there, but the way one deals with those details is within their
control. It is in those reactions that determine their
direction.

I do good because
it is the right thing to do and I want to. I do bad because the
outcomes are worth the consequences or because I'm stuck in a
patter and haven't gotten the skills yet to get out. I work very
hard to make my life what it is. It is not easy to counter the
ingrained thoughts of being worthless, unwanted and broken, but the
rewards are worth it.

You have alot more
power and control over your life than you realize. Some organized
religions try to limit that by instilling a belief that it is their
diety's will that is responsible for this or that. And that you
have to follow these guidelines for life or you won't be OK. Don't
get me wrong religion brings comfort, guidance and a community of
support to millions world wide and it serves a very important part
of many people's existence. But there are some of us out there that
fall through the cracks and feel somehow that we are less because
life has given us a different set of ingredents to bake with. So if
your life has given you a bulb of garlic just change your cake to
more of a quiche or a casserole and stop listening to those folks
that encourage you to make a german chocolate cake and think that
somehow the garlic won't come through.

My abuse has
forever changed my life and how I see things, just like a clove of
garlic would forever change the flavor of chocolate cake. So I
accept that and have decided to use a different recipe that better
fits my life. I've taken that mix and have have made some kick ass
mole sauce over tofu and veggies with homemade
tortillas.

You are who you
are and your life experiences are part of that fabric. They are
part of your past, they do not have to determine your future and
they surely do not define who you are as a person. The only time
that this is true is if we believe it to be true.

BFG, I meant it
when I said you have the power to break that mirror and paint your
canvas. I encourage you to look at gifts life has given you and
make something delicious with it. If at first its too difficult to
look at the gifts you have, then look at someone else in your
similar situation and assess what life has given them. I usually
find that if I am really honest with myself, I have simialr gifts
too.

June 15, 2010
12:00 am
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I
also feel very in tune with you too. I am going to try to stay but
only in places where I feel safe around here..maybe that is the
answer for now...I know posting here with you and hepburn,
misguided, alien and a few others...I feel happier and I also feel
a need to post to certain new posters who are dealing with my
answers...it was never my intention to run away from my problems as
some said of me...maybe that is their view of me...but I sometimes
need to protect myself too and that may mean not posting or
responding for a time...to me that is taking my control back and
having some control of what happens to me...I love meeting new
people here...people from all backgrounds and experiences..and
knowing I can help someone now and then helps me feel better about
myself... (((((((((((Mydas!))))))))))))))

June 15, 2010
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I
often think...how well asdjusted I could of been... For example
sex... I felt like a whore having married sex...I just can't seem
to get comfortable but before marriage, even though I was a
christian, I did not as dirty...so why now do I feel dirty now that
I am married... Sex for my husband is also hard for his issues...it
just never happens... It not something we did to us...this is the
result of abuse done to us in the past...since we love each other
as much as we do...we live with it... And its not just sex but as
you know so much more..... (((Mydas)) I can't thank you enough...I
really can't:)

June 15, 2010
12:00 am
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Interesting...about falling through the cracks...story of my
life I feel...back when I was an dsevout christian...yes me...I
felt it was so important to attend church when ever their was any
meeting...my heart was good intentioned as I really wanted to do
what god wanted me too Yet when I was around people...esp in the
church and I went to several over my lifespan.... I never fit
in...I was like a square peg trying to fit into a round peg...and
people always took advantage of me and I just got tired of it... I
then was reading a bible story to my daughter about abraham and god
calling him to kill his son...the pic in the childrens story book
was colorful with this man bounding his son and pulling out a
knife...all the sudden this man hears gods voice saying...oh just a
test?! Are you fucking kidding me? I then started to see a lot of
things in church and the bible that pissed me off...I am sorry but
I see nothing good in the cxhristian church...nothing but
sociopaths using old laws to abuse and keep people in place...
Sorry did not mean to rant on here...I am. Just upset now again..
Sorry.

June 15, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bfg,

I understand what
you mean about the church. I am baptised Christian, and I do
believe in God, but I don't go to church as often as I did
before.

I used to enjoy
church, but as you said, it's the people. I'm sorry to say, I know
we are all broken in some ways, but I have felt judged all of my
life. I feel judged even more when I am at church.

First of all, my
family is multi-racial, multi-cultural...there are many different
religions in my family. Although I am baptised Christian, my sister
is baptised Catholic, and my brother chose not to be baptised.
There are Buddhists, Catholics, Christians in my family, you name
it. I also study Taoism, which is similar to Buddhism. When tell
this to people at my Christian church, you would think I am
worshiping Satan.

I worship in my
own way. I talk directly to God. I don't need to go to church for
them to talk to God for me. If I go to church, it is because I
choose to, not because I feel like I "have to" go, or because
someone is telling me I "should".

I try really hard
to get rid of "should" and "have to". If there is a law, I will
follow it, but if it is another person telling me, I ask why they
think I "should". There is a lot of people that think they know
what is best. Some people have good intentions, others want just to
control others. We are all grown adults, capable of making our own
decisions for the most part. No one should be saying "should",
"have to", "need to" to anyone who is grown, unless they ask you if
it is so.

I try my best to
tell people things that will make them think, so they can make
their own decisions. I try to not give too much advice, unless they
ask. People at the church, they were really judgmental of how I
live my life. They don't pay my bills, so why do they tell me how
to live? When I had asked for help, they were "too busy". I am very
careful when I consider what the people from my church have asked
of me. I have tried other churches, too. Somehow, it seems like the
most judgmental ones find me, and scold me. Maybe it's not true.
Maybe I just think that.

I don't think I am
doing too many wrong things. I don't smoke, don't do drugs, break
laws, hurt people or steal...if I have a drink with alcohol, it's
only on rare occasion for celebration. I don't really have any
judgment of what others do. It's their life to live. I only
mentioned those things since I could not really come up with
examples on the top of my head.

Taoism deals with
nature and balance. All living things live in this world in
harmony. We learn about "chi" which is about energy. Energy that is
good will flow. Energy that is bad will cause resistance. In other
words, stress. When you try to go against the natural flow which is
to be, you will have resistance. Think of a river. The water flows.
You block the river with a log, and it makes resistance. Our bodies
are no different. We are energy and it is in us and around us. We
feel energy from other people. We all have it.

When I have a bad
energy flow with a person, I have to not be around them. I can feel
their "chi" come thru me when I sense their presence. Either thru a
computer or in person, on the phone. There were so many of the
people I would meet at church that had this bad "chi". It's not
their fault or my fault. We just don't flow.

I have learned to
listen to my gut instinct. To take better time to know others, and
then I can feel their "chi". I started to do this little by little
after my ex-husband left. I didn't listen to my gut or anything
else when I was with him. I listened to his lies, and he damaged my
life in many ways. Part of it was my fault for letting it go on so
long.

There were some
people at the church that hurt me very badly. I was misled to
believe that a person from the church would not hurt me. I always
try to see the good in people, but now I look to see if there is
any bad.

Not that all of us
are 100% good. I try my best to do the right thing and be honest.
Today my boyfriend and I were texting, and I realized something I
said, could have upset him, so I apologized and explained what I
meant to say. He hasn't responded, I know he is working right now,
so I am sure he is busy. But I worry that I hurt him. I have to be
patient and wait for him to respond.

I understand where
you are coming from, a lot of times, I still feel bad about my
mistakes and tell myself I should have known better. I hope one day
I can stop beating myself up in my mind. I still get anxiety
sometimes that makes me distracted and I procrastinate. I know I
will never do everything 100% right. But I keep trying to start
over.

There are so many
people thru my life have told me I would fail, I would never make
it, what is the use of trying so hard. But I try to not care what
they say. I do what I need to for me, not for them. If they don't
like it...they have not lived my life. They have not endured the
things I have, so what they tell me does not always mean that much
to me. I still struggle with things in my head.

You have every
right to protect yourself from people who you do not care to be
around. You don't even have to explain yourself to them, just don't
respond to them anymore. People can apologize if they feel like
they need to, like I did to my boyfriend. Heck, I don't even know
if he really was upset, it's just what I thought. For all I know,
he is probably wondering why I did apologize.

He's actually
light-hearted and has a good sense of humor. He teases me a lot,
but he is not mean or insensitive about it. But he is good-hearted
like me, so I know sometimes I need to tell him that when I say
things, it doesn't have to do with him personally. He knows I was
abused, and he knows I get anxiety sometimes. He tries to
understand.

It's ok if you
rant. Don't be sorry. Sometimes I think it's better that way, if
people say what they feel instead of pretending that everything is
fine.

June 15, 2010
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(((Chinadoll))) thanks for posting this, I am sorry that you
also feel this way too...I do think that alot of people are
sociopaths, I was reading a book the other day at Barnes and Noble,
while waiting on my daughter to get her book, that said that one in
twenty five people are socipathic! I believe its called the
sociopath next door, these people thrive on control, they want to
tell you have to think, feel and how to live your life and many use
the church to fulfill that and worse... I think the word should is
a bad word and I am trying hard to get it out of my life...once and
for all but its hard, its been ingrained for how long now? 45 yrs?
that is a long long time, as I am sure it is with you...

I sense you also
beat yourself up snd the take the blame for things in life, if you
don't. I am sorry for reading into that, but one thing I am
learning to do, is to have my pity party, for as long as need be,
till i am feel i am ready to let it go and move on, and like mydas
said, it might last a very long time, SO WHAT! We who have been
abused and in bad situations have to learn to take care of
ourselves and nurse our wounds and if no one is around to do that,
as that is often the case in life, then we need to do that for us,
we owe it to us to care bout us and to nuture us... for if we have
no compassion for us how in the world can we ever pass that on to
someone else? Back in my fundie days and I mean no disrepsect to
that word cause in some ways i am still one, will not even go into
that, that I had no compassion for others, I judged them as harshly
as i judged myself, I was a advactor of tough love and if i heard
someone was being a bad child, I would always immediatly feel bad
for the poor parents..

Not so much
anymore, I see so much now that I been in therapy and now i see why
people are the way they are and why they do the things they do, so
much of who we are is from our childhood...most of the time, there
are always exceptions to this...always are... I think its important
to be able to say how you feel, no matter who is it in your life,
to walk on eggshells is not way to live..believe me, I done that
all my life with my parents and I am done with that, so VERY
DONE!

June 15, 2010
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and i
do not believe anyone can always do things 100 percent correct all
the time, that is perfectionism and i know that very well, I used
to think that oh gosh i can't be one of those people cause if I
were i be perfect or close to it! Not so, its the feeling of
wishing things were perfect in life, gosh I am so far from that,
but I think down deep I strive to be or I want to be too
much...that can cause alot of self esteem issues as always
comparing ourselves to others and feeling we come up short... I did
this alot, I would get ready as a young adult for a date or to go
out with some friends, to hang out in a club or what have you and I
would spend alot of time doing my hair, nails and clothes and
makeup to the point where I was kind of obessive bout it, I would
be ok with myself till I got out around others, then I started to
feel inferior, not thin as others, not as pretty, not dressed as
well, it just went on and before the night was over, I felt ugly
and even worse cause I had several drinks, felt as if I was
blending into the background and felt rejected, its not that I
looked bad, I really did look good back them, I was thin and I was
very pretty, not bragging here, trying ot make a point, but I did
not see that at that time, cause of comparing myself to others and
getting my self worth from people who sensed how weak in side I
felt and knew how to take advantage of that, esp after a few
drinks, I was not cheap or easy but I did do things at times I was
not too proud of, I am sure many here would of called me a slut,
well I was not a slut, I was a human being who wanted someone to
love me, to accept me, to just at least pay attention to me, cause
I was drowning in my despair, i was starting to fall apart back
then, I thought of killing myself, believe me I was much worse back
then...guess that does not say too much about me huhn? But its a
point I want to make for you and for anyone else reading this who
might be in that postion today... Don't do it, do not try to make
people like you from the outside in or do things you know are not
in your best interest cause you want someone to love you, you are
not cheap, even if you do things that are cheap, no human being on
this earth is cheap and discardable, we are all walking miracles if
you really think of it, some of us are given more in life, more
love, more support, and therefore have less problems in life, if
that is anyone out there, then be glad you were not me or someone
like me, I had to fight for how far I came today, I had to fight
for what self esteem I have today...every ounce of it, I stll have
to fight to keep it today..but its a fight worth fighting for, for
my sanity, its that or the alternative, which I will not settle
for..not anymore.

June 16, 2010
12:00 am
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I am
off now to go about my day, thanks guys for being here, for helping
me feel better and for caring bout me, means alot to me:)
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

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