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This is my "safe place....."
April 9, 2007
2:47 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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"And the toughest question that just came to mind, why do I struggle to think it is ok to have feelings that are different than my own?"

That was supposed to read....And the toughest question that just came to mind, why do i struggle to think it is ok to have feelings different than others?

April 9, 2007
2:56 pm
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bevdee
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Ok Miss Mich

I always have to think so deep when I respond to you. You make me work!!

As for your job- you have tiny children, and it is as if you are running a daycare, and I have suspected the only times you have to yourself are nap time? I think you should have a half day or a full day off- once a week. Is there any way you could make arrangements with a sitter once a week or twice a month so you could have an afternoon to do special girl/woman things- special Mich things- like a pedicure- not getting groceries. Like sitting at the library or Barnes and Noble- not shampooing the oopses out of the carpet. It's so hard to do those things with kids all in your arms and all under your feet.

And if your husband doesn't understand? I would tell him that he needs to give you a day off once in a while- let him take all the kids and feed them and corral them so you can take a nap- in the pedicurists chair!!

"And the third period in 6 weeks thing, is starting to REALLY piss me off. I am SO tired. "

You are losing iron. Take some iron tablets or drink more tea and eat liver, peas, and spinach- whatever you can tolerate. I used to take a hot shower when I would get those sharp pains in my side- the heat helps. Or lay on a heating pad for a few minutes.

You say "YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How many times a day does your mother call you? And how many of those calls do you jump to answer? Remember- you will never please her. Think how wonderful it will be not to have to spend the next 30 years of your life trying!! You get to find out who you are out from under the canopy of that sick cycle the two of you keep going. You don't owe her anything.

Now- Are we going to have to start a "positively me" thread or something like that to drag the positive out of you? Do I have to go after you like I did GG? I want 5.

April 9, 2007
3:25 pm
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ggfred4
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LMAO!!! You go get her bev!!!

April 9, 2007
3:33 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG, HELP...I have been TUMPED...

Bev,

Nobody, but Nobody touches my piggys. NOBODY. I don't even want people to look at my feet. When I went for the girls weekend I was on a few weeks back..it became a joke for them. I would not even walk around the hotel room without socks. However, there is pictoral proof somewhere that they got my feet. However, acting 5 as we were....it was almost as if to be playing truth or dare. I agreed to take my socks off for one of the other ones to do a little "dare" thing if you will. It was QUITE amusing...quite immature most likely...but we got a kick out of it. So a pedicure is OUT of the question. The feet might be my MOST private part of my body. Can't explain.

My h is pretty good when I want to leave if it is possible. Such as my "girls weekend". He will stay with our kids. He is good about that. He pushes me to go do things that I want to do. The problem is that I have lost all sight of what it is that I enjoy. I don't know anymore. Did I ever? I am not sure.

Oh, the three and five year old do not nap everyday anymore. In fact...very rarely. Though I can wish. And it seems as if...if those two are sleeping...the baby is awake. There isn't any down time really. I am always doing something.

"You are losing iron. Take some iron tablets or drink more tea and eat liver, peas, and spinach- whatever you can tolerate." Can I have some more suggestions...cause I will ONLY put peas in my mouth out of THOSE choices. I really like green beans though too. AND PEANUT BUTTER. MMMM

April 9, 2007
4:42 pm
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bevdee
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"http://www.sandiegobloodbank.org/donating_blood/iron_rich_foods.php" Hey there are a bunch of foods and info on this site.

I have always eaten chicken livers and a big glass of tea the day after my flow stops. Sometimes a big mess of greens- but not often because they stink up the house when I cook them.

Ok- instead of 5 positives, can you think of 2 things you would like to do if you had a chance to get out of the house?

I like to window shop in antique stores and flea markets.

I like to go to the bookstore or the library, because it's quiet.

When I lived in a bigger town that had one, I just loved going to the art museum. It's always quiet, and there are such pretty or thought provoking things to look at.

I would like to take a fun craft class.

How about a massage? That is totally your time. It's all for you.

What do you do to relax Mich?

April 9, 2007
5:08 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Relax?? I am not joking Bev...there is VERY little I do to relax. And h would tell you that. I do typically on Monday nights go to the gym with my friend. We both signed up to tan there as well, because I believe that it DOES help my mood. Now, truly, we are NOT always in the mood to work out...so sometimes...we don't. Sometimes we have been known to just escape to the hot tub, or the arizona dry room....on RARE occasion, we escape to the steam room. I do enjoy that, and I DO enjoy her company. I am on my feet MOST of the day. I sit here at the computer between things that I do around the house. I talk on the phone A LOT. I sit down to watch TV once a week from 10-11 on thursday nights and that is merely to watch ER. That is the ONLY thing that I LIKE to watch on TV. I don't find it amusing in the slightest to sit and watch TV. UNLESS, I am in a MAJOR FUNK. Then I watch something like Steel Magnolias, Beaches, For Keeps, Message in a Bottle, Lean on Me, or something to that nature. I am NOT a movie lover. I HATE to read. I ONLY read self help books...and even that I struggle with. Those are sometimes a little tough for my liking. NOW, in the warmer months, whatever those are here...I LOVE to be outside. I love to write. I love to lay in the sun... I like it outside. I could rent a paddle boat at the lake right by me, and be gone for hours I think...though I never have. I LOVE to rollerskate. I hadn't done it in years... until the 5th grade class went this last December. I can't wait to go again.... but something stops me from calling to see when there open hours are for skating... laziness maybe...I don't know. My h bought me skates for Christmas, and I haven't even used them. He also bought me a sewing machine that I wanted and I haven't touched it yet either. I don't know what my issue is. Is it the depression? I don't know. Some days I feel like it is getting worse. Normal?? I don't know. I don't know Bev. I keep myself busy to avoid thinking. In the summer, I LOVE to yard sale. That is one of my FAVORITE things to do.....

Now, as for five positives...thanks for trying to let me out of it...but...I am going to do it.

1.) I am loyal.

2.) I am trustworthy.

3.) I love my children, and care about what happens to them.

4.) I admit to my imperfections.

5.) I am trying to get the help that I need to be a healthy individual.

There, that is as good as it gets for now.

A message Bev? I think I could be happy with that. I think that I might almost enjoy that...but I couldn't be alone, and it would have to be a woman. I do also like scrapbooking. I don't do it much anymore as lack of alone time...and it is next to impossible to do with 4 kids running around.

Mich

April 9, 2007
5:54 pm
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ggfred4
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Damn teacher's pet!!! LOL...gee bev, she gave you five as soon as you asked! Going back to burrow...

April 9, 2007
11:04 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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You could do it too gg....IF ONLY you would admit that you ARE a wonderful, loving, accepting, sincere, loyal, honest, caring, sensitive, friendly, and devoted woman. But...YOU have to admit that YOU are those things. YOU ARE gg, I have seen and felt EVERY one of those qualities. THEY ARE THERE.

I love you.

Mich...

(((gg)))

April 9, 2007
11:14 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Now, if saying all of those things to YOU makes me a teachers pet...I will take it. I said it ALL from my heart...and meant EVERY word. I said it just as I see it.

Mich...

April 9, 2007
11:16 pm
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ggfred4
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SUCK UP!!!!

Okay, gee, hard to take compliments...THANK YOU MICHY!!!...seriously thanks...

April 10, 2007
11:48 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why does she have to be such a bitch? Why do I answer the phone? Why did she have to come home? Why do I let her make me so damn crazy? Why? Why do I care? Why do I let her torment me? Why? Why? Why?

I want to move. I want to be away from her. I want to be as far away from her as humanly possible. I want her to go away. I want to hide. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I hate her! I hate her! I hate her.

April 10, 2007
12:10 pm
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ggfred4
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(((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))))))

I am so sorry. I wish you would NOT answer your phone.

April 10, 2007
1:28 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((gg)))

Love you....

Thanks for the big hug....I really needed it today. BAD. I just hate her. I need to move. I want to move. I want to be away from her. I need to be away from her. I don't want to hurt like this anymore.

April 10, 2007
1:36 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I felt the need for myself to repost this letter. It killed me to read it, and it killed me to read the loving responses that followed...but I needed to repost it so I can read it time and again. I just need that for me right now.

ScaredinMichigan
20-Nov-06

Dear Mom,
Well, let me start by saying this. I love you. I always have, and I always will. I will always love you, simply because you are my mother. There is nothing that can be done to take away that love. Trust me, you have tried. I have tried to let you go. Yet, I cannot.

30 years old, and I still struggle with this. Let me ask you this…what did I do so wrong? The truth of the matter is, that I am smart enough to know, that I did nothing. There is nothing that can be done at such a young age to make you hate me the way that you did.

What went through your mind as you sat there, while your boyfriend had his hands in my pants, and in my shirt? You were sitting right there…PLEASE don’t tell me that you did not know. I cannot believe those words. Do you truly believe that is the farthest that it ever went? Where did you think that he was going when he got up in the middle of the night? Why did you make me ride in the car with just him? Why did you wait another half hour to come home every time? You knew what was going on. I cannot be convinced otherwise. You did nothing to protect me. NOTHING. You let me babysit for the neighbors. You knew that he has been in jail for sexual assault. Yet, you NEVER said anything to me. Yet, when I told you what he did to me, you blamed me. Because. “I should have known better.” Are you joking me? Even if I had known, it was your job to protect me. At 12, those weren’t my decisions to make. Then again, it didn’t seem to bother you that at that age I was sexually abused. I used to hate the men that did it, now, I hate you for letting it happen. Then 6 years ago, when that man was laying on his death bed, you called me to come up to the hospital to be with you. So I did. Was I supposed to be sad? I was sad. I think he died to quick and painless for my liking. What made it even more sad, is I never had the chance to tell him just how screwed up he made me. Just the mere happy feeling of any person dying ate away at me. Yet, I watched it break your heart, when his heart completely quit beating. It broke mine, that you never cried a tear over what he did to me. In fact, two years ago, you told me that I must have lied about it or liked it. No, I wanted to be with you. Was that so wrong? At 16, when there was physical evidence of what I was saying, you chose him over me when protective services gave you the choice, him or me. You let me, your only daughter walk out that door. You signed guardianship papers without a second thought. Because to you, I was a liar.

You were never there for any of us. You had four kids and not one of us, EVER, meant a damn thing to you. You didn’t take care of us. We took care of each other. Lucky for you, you had us far enough apart, that was possible.

I never had a childhood. I went from being a small child, to being a second mother, to being a sex toy for your boyfriend all by the age of 10. Now, at 30, I have no idea of who in the hell I am. That just makes me crazy. I know that I am a mother of four. Four beautiful babies. You still make me believe that I am a bad mother to those kids too. GO TO HELL. I love those babies. I have bent over backwards for those babies. I tell those babies every day multitudes of times that I love them, that they are beautiful, and you know what…those babies are my life. I have fought for them, and I have protected them, and I have been a mother. A good one at that.

You have spent 30 years telling me that I am a fat, worthless bitch that will never amount to anything. You are so sweet. You have no idea of who I am. Not a clue.

Let me say this…..you have in thirty years proven several things….

Alcohol will get me nowhere fast. That it causes a lot of pain, and wastes a lot of money. And cause a lot of hardship for families. Divorce, doesn’t make things any better, therefore I will make the right choices the first time. Beating your children, might make you feel better, but destroys your children. Verbally abusing your children, the pain lasts a lifetime. Lack of affection, makes a very insecure child. Lack of direction allows your children to make some VERY poor, unguided decisions.

Let me say this. At thirty years old, if I could have one wish granted, it would be for you to love me. To tuck me in at night, to say I believe you, and I believe in you. It would be to have you wrap your arms around me when things are tough. It would be to hear you say three little words…I love you, and mean them. It would be that you could simply say, I am sorry that I failed you as a mother.

The truth is, I will never get any of those. You are not capable of any of them. So if nothing else, what I have gotten from you, is a beautiful picture of exactly what I don’t want to be as a mother, a wife, or a friend. I could say that I have learned nothing from you, but there is NO truth in that at all. I have learned a lot. Unfortunately, it destroyed me in the meantime.

I feel like a 5 year old girl, trapped in the body of a woman. Desperate for someone to hold me, someone to love me, someone to tuck me in at night, someone to take care of me when I am sick. The problem is, I have refused to let anyone fulfill that need in my life. I want it from you so bad. It hurts to know that I will never be what you want me to be. I want you to hold me when I wake up having nightmares, or afraid of thunderstorms….how sad is that? I am thirty years old. And I still want you.? Everyone else asks why? The only answer I can come up with is that you are my mom.

I am searching for something that I will NEVER have. It is time to let go. It is a hard thing for me. But I will. There are people out there who will love me for me. Love me the way that I am. I already have those people. They have been right here waiting for me to let their love be enough. So now, I have to. Because, I can no longer allow you, to destroy me. You have taken my security, my self esteem, my love, my sexuality, my life and destroyed me one piece at a time for long enough.

I will always be here. I will always love you. BUT, I will no longer allow you to hurt me anymore. You brought me into this world, but you will NOT take me out. You will not destroy me, anymore.

Love Always,

Mandy ( the daughter that you don’t deserve.)

April 10, 2007
1:55 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Why is it that when I read this letter I feel as though I was farther ahead 5 months ago than I am at this moment. Is it a moment of weekness? Is it a moment of truth?

April 10, 2007
8:58 pm
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bevdee
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(((Michigan)))

I'm sorry this happened again. All it does is reinforce feelings of NO self worth.

If you tell me what she said, I bet I can refute it.

I already thought of one refute (ation) from something a long time ago.

April 10, 2007
9:14 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Bev))) That is all I can say right now Bev. I have NO other words....a LOT of feelings...but no words.

Hope you have a good night...hoping things went well for you today at your appointment as well.

Thinking of you...

Mich

April 10, 2007
9:24 pm
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bevdee
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Mich- you know it's better to let your feelings out- instead of keeping them locked in.

When feelings stay in they fester and become secrets. We are only as sick as our secrets. If I leave mine in too long, I soon believe that they are unspeakable

If you don't have words - write me some gobbledygook. I can translate.

Just because She says something doesn't make it true. Does it?

April 10, 2007
11:48 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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"Why is it that when I read this letter I feel as though I was farther ahead 5 months ago than I am at this moment. Is it a moment of weekness? Is it a moment of truth?"

Bev, right now...this is bothering me a LOT. I really felt as if I was moving forward...NOW, I once again find myself questioning ME. AGAIN.

April 10, 2007
11:51 pm
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bevdee
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Mich

Why do you feel like you have regressed from 5 months ago? What is different?

April 10, 2007
11:52 pm
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Shaney
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Hey girls :o)

Hey there mich - I read your letter about three times, then wrote a huge post and ended up erasing every bit of it. I found myself trying to say something that would make you feel better, but as I read my own post, it was like nothing I wrote could even touch what was in that letter. It saddens me and it makes me angry that you didn't have anywhere to turn. It makes me want to save you and give you everything back that was taken away from you. I know that no one can really do that, but for what it's worth, I think that you've done a great job, regardless of what has happened to you. I don't know how you've accomplished what you have... but I think you're a good person and you should be proud of yourself. I know that I'm proud of you, and proud to know you too. :o) (((mich)))

April 10, 2007
11:55 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Bev & Shaney)))

I am going to be a little bit on a response Bev to your question...as the "sisters" would have said...I think that I am feeling a HUGE pucking session coming on. A HUGE ONE. Which means that my next post may be long.

April 11, 2007
12:05 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Shaney...I wanted to post to you really quick though first. I truly appreciate what you posted to me. And you are right...NO ONE can take away the pain of what I went through. But Shaney...let me tell you this...it has changed me to find a place where people care. That place is here. I appreciate you sharing your feelings. I appreciate your caring...I appreciate you. Thanks a LOT. That letter said a LOT..and I think I forgot how much it really said UNTIL I read it again today. It was almost more painful to read the letter today than to deal with my mom. I can't make it make sense yet...but I will.

Thanks honey...you are a sweet person. Don't you ever change Shaney...I am still looking forward to that pissing match one day. :o)

Mich

(((Shaney)))

April 11, 2007
12:46 am
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bevdee
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Mich

I really have to get to bed. I'll check for your post in the morning, but I wanted to say this to you before I tuck myself in.

OK your mom ain't right, you know that don't you? There is no way she could watch the things she did and be right.
There is no way she could hold your love for ransom the way she has and be right.

She ain't right.

Because she is so not right and she lives with the guilt of being way past a horrible mother- she needs to make you feel like shit. You remind her of her failure. You are the constant reminder to her of her crimes against you. You are a hideous reminder to her, living proof of what a mother should be. Or can be. You are a slap in her face when she sees the kind of woman you have become in spite of her and her failure toward you. You are the kick in her crotch Michigan, because she lives with her guilt, and she knows that she can't take any credit for what you have done with your life. And she knows she doesn't have the same kind of strength and tenacity and beauty that your soul possesses.

It's more about her than you, I think. That's the conclusion I have come to with my DramaMama, because it really doesn't matter what I do or accomplish. It doesn't matter how I try to conform to her wishes or in the drama rescue triangle or the sick dysfunction in her family. She will always criticise me or withhold love and refrain from expressing approval. That dynamic will always be there because my DramaMama will not change.

I am sending you healing positive energy- (the healing from my crystals), and I hope you get some sleep tonight.

(((Michigan)))

April 11, 2007
9:32 am
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Where to even start with this is beyond me, so whatever comes out...is what comes out.

Anger~ I am angry...angry that she has spent most of my life trying to control me. Angry that most of my life I have let her. Angry that she allowed the things to happen to me that she did. Angry that she used ME to make her feel better. Angry that she wants ME to right the wrongs in her life. Angry that I didn't matter enough for HER to change HER life. Angry that I am a LOT like her. Angry that I was never allowed to be a child. Angry that my innocence and security were robbed from me at a VERY early age.

Sad~ I am sad. I am sad that I never had a mother to love me, a mother to hold me, a mother to tick me in, and help me through my fears. I am sad that I do not allow people to love me and help me now. I am sad that I look to death as the only way out of this pain. I am sad that I am not the mother that I feel that my kids deserve. I am sad that I feel stuck where I am, as if to NOT be moving forward at all. I am sad to think that I find it easier to stay where I am than to change.

Insecure~ I don't believe in anyones love. I don't believe that ANYONE is going to stick around in my life. I don't believe I deserve it, and truly it scares the hell out me. I don't believe in me, I question EVERY choice that I make. I question EVERY move I make. I NEVER feel like what I am doing is the right thing to do. I question who I am as a mom, as a daughter, as a friend, as a sister, as a wife, as EVERYTHING. I don't believe in anything that I do.

Frustrated~ The frustration that I feel is overwhelming to me. I am frustrated because I want to be better, I want to be happy, I want to not care about my mom, I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel, YET...I do not. I do NOT see it. I only see behind me. Frustrated as I feel, I can ONLY see behind me. Frustrated that I started to feel better and NOW I feel like I have taken TEN steps backwords. To only be left where I started here 11 months ago.

Alone~ I feel alone..without reason. I have a few friends that I KNOW have promised to be there, and have loved me no matter what...Who know my story and love me REGARDLESS. BUT, I still feel alone. I guess I feel lonely....YET, I am NOT alone. I want the physical aspects of seeing someone, being held and let cry...I feel like I am reaching for something that can't reach back. I know that these feelings are not fair to them, but they are my feelings.

Bitter~ I am bitter at what I am being forced to deal with. Bitter because I have to hold myself together when what I REALLY want is to simply fall apart. I want to hide somewhere and just cry...and I am bitter because I have never been given that chance. I need time for me, time to take care of me...and I can't do it. I can't take that time. I can't do what I feel that I NEED TO DO.

Ashamed~ I am ashamed of who I am and where I came from. I lived in a decent looking home for most of my childhood. But I am ashamed of what took place inside that home, and what it made me. I am ashamed to be known as her daughter, as their sister. I am ashamed. But worse yet, I am ashamed of who I am now. My daughter is in the fifth grade. She gets made fun of because we live in a Mobile Home. Our home is 1800 square feet, and it is clean. It is cluttered but for Gods sake, I have four kids, 2 cats and a husband. I am ONE person. But, I don't want people to see my house, I don't want people to see my vehicles. I am scared of that. Why? I don't know. Do I legitimately have anything to be ashamed of for my present situation? Probably not, YET...I am. I can't change that...just state the facts. I don't even understand. Is it that even with my friends I feel like I have to live up to what society says is ok? I don't know. I am ashamed that I have a brother in prison for being an idiot, I am ashamed that I have another brother that was busted for soliciting a minor by use of computer, I am ashamed of who I am because I don't have a college education, I am ashamed of who I am because I am a stay at home mom. (I feel like that makes me look lazy) I am ashamed that we can't afford to do some of the things that my kids friends get to do, I have learned that nothing that I have is good enough. It seems that it is to me...but I am ashamed of what the world sees. I am ashamed that my kids are on state medical insurance. It isn't that my h doesn't make decent money, or work...he does. 40+ hours a week that man goes to work...but they aren't offered insurance, and part of what he is doing is on his own, and there isn't enough left over at the end of every month for us to pay for our own health insurance policy. I am worried what other people think of our vehicles. They are old...but hey....we own them outright...we don't make payments, and it works for us. I am just ashamed.

I am ashamed to say all that I have said in this post. And it leaves me feeling a little vulnerable and weak. There are more feelings...but for now...I have to stop. I have to gather myself together...I have to walk away from here for a little bit.

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