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This is my "safe place....."
April 1, 2007
10:09 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am not asking for responses to this post. I am typing this and putting it somewhere that I feel is safe. After 11 months of my life has passed, and many things have happened…this is where I feel safe placing it. I guess, it has become a safe haven to me. The one place I feel safe….this isn’t safe on my home computer, this is not safe just anywhere…I feel safe here. This is where I am comfortable placing my thoughts.

So here I sit wondering…..

Where am I? Where am I headed? Where did I come from? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? Is it possible? Do I really want to stay where I am? What are my hopes? What are my dreams? What are my fears? What seems impossible?

I have spent a lot of time asking myself “why?” Why doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I can’t change where I came from. I can’t change it. It happened. It sucked, but it happened. It doesn’t mean that I have to stay where I am though, does it? That is a choice I make. I hate where I am, so why would I stay here?

When I was little, I wanted to be a teacher. My smart ass answer was ALWAYS that I wanted to be a meter reader. Just cause I liked the way that it sounded. But, I wanted to be a teacher, and I wanted to be a mother. As I got older, I wanted to go into criminal justice…(as if that is surprising). I still do I think. I wonder though, people say that I should go into social work. I don’t know that I could handle it. I get too involved with my heart. I can’t let things go. I would carry it around with me and I know that. I would bring it home with me. It would affect my life. But what I realized is that, that is what everyone else thinks I would be good at. Sure, I would be compassionate to children and evil to bad parents. But, what I want is to be a corrections officer. That has been my heart for a long time. That is what I, Mandy, want to do with the rest of my life. I want that, and it is attainable. I can. I wonder if I am smart enough to go back and succeed in school. BUT, I know that it is my mothers voice that I hear when I ask myself that question. It isn’t a doubt in my mind. Well, it is….but it isn’t MY doubt. I am not naturally book smart. But, if I try, I can succeed. I didn’t do well in school when I was younger. Because I didn’t try. It was NO different to my parents if I had all A’s or all D’s. So I figured why try. What was the point? I had nothing to prove. I didn’t live a life where I felt like I had to please my family. The way that I saw it, there was no pleasing my family. So therefore, I didn’t bother.

I am currently married to a good man. What most women would dream of happening. Some say…don’t let him go…some say, if you aren’t happy….don’t bother holding on. I want to be married. I want to be in love with him. I have seen SO many marriages fail. SO MANY. I always grew up saying that I was only getting married once. And I am. I am committed to making it work. I am going to try. It may take some counseling together for me to get beyond some of the feelings that I have…but I have NOTHING to be unhappy about truly. NOTHING. I have FOUR beautiful children. They are a true gift. I live in a decent size home, my children attend good schools, I live where I do not fear for their lives. I have NO intentions of staying where I am. I hate it here. I am moving to the south. That is where I want to be. That is also where my husband wants to be. That is where our life can be better for so many reasons. I want to be where it is warm. I want to be away from my family. I want to start my life a new. I can, and I will. I don’t know how long it will take….but I can hold the hope in my heart, that it will happen. And I know that it will. That is where my heart is, and I will see to it, that this time….I do what I want in this life. I will make a choice that I KNOW will better my life. Emotionally, physically, and financially. I know that there are worse things that I could be facing than what I am at the moment. I am NOT in an abusive relationship, my children are healthy for the most part. I have NOTHING to be sorry for, about where I am. I could use some help in my ability to treat my kids a little better, and to love them a little bit more than I do. Not that I don’t love them, but I think that they deserve a little more, and they deserve me to talk a little better to them. I have 4 of the best friends that anyone in this world could ask for. I have people that love me for me. FRIENDS. People that know me, inside and out and love me anyway. I am NOT alone. Though sometimes it may feel that way…I am NOT alone. I will not walk through this life without a friend beside me. I face no fear in my life alone. I bear my heart and soul to people in my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve to them. I can be me, I don’t have to hide anymore. I don’t have to run. I am lucky to be able to say those words. Many people in this life, can never say that. BUT, I know….that I am loved…I am a good person. I will make it…I am NOT alone.

My dreams…..I want to be happy. I want to feel complete. I want to feel alive. I want to be more that a “grim survivor” as my therapist refers to it. I am a strong person. As it has been pointed out to me…I did not make it through my childhood being weak. I fought one hell of a battle to make it to where I am today. And my fight is not over. I will not stop fighting to overcome my past, and what it has done to me. I am going to continue to fight. I believe in me. I believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dark it may seem right now….there is a light in the process. I have spent a long time in this tunnel. I will continue to fight my way out. I will find my way out. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I am a fighter. I will go back to school. I will overcome the results of my past. I will continue to push through. I will fight to raise good kids. I will do my best. I can, and I WILL.

April 2, 2007
8:39 am
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bevdee
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Mich

I read this last night before I went to bed and I'm in a hurry this morning. But I wanted to say a couple of things.

Being a mother is being a teacher. Keep up the good work.

I've never had kids, and I've never been legally married, but I just know that having four kids would put a strain on any marriage at times.

You have stayed with your therapist, and sometimes that's so hard to do. You are tenacious! That's a good thing. And so is your ability to express your self as honestly as you have here.

April 3, 2007
7:03 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well....this has not been my few easiest days as a "teacher". I really struggle with some of the things that are going on with my 10 year old. I do at times wonder where I went wrong. At this point, I feel like I went REALLY wrong. I have been told OVER and OVER that this is all normal...yet my mind wonders SO many other ways. Is there reason to feel negative, or I am being ridiculous? I am not really sure anymore. But when a week ago I find a journal entry (left where I can see it) with her discussing a situation going on and stating that she wants to hurt herself, I get a little downhearted. I wonder if she is just that much like me...which will break my heart. OR...have we failed her to a point of being that miserable? Well, that was just the first thing that I found to cause this distress. Yesterday, I found another journal entry of hers (again...left laying out in the open) discussing want to french kiss a boy, and she would touch his butt, his nipples, and his penis. And that she would let him touch her butt and her boobs..(but thankfully enough) NOT her vagina. Regardless, this has me a bit flustered. OR maybe it has me ready to lose my mind. I am NOT ready for this crap. She is ten. I figured we would face all of this in another 2-5 years or so...but NOT at 10. Now, she is fully developed...pubic hair, breasts, etc. But, she is still my "baby", for lack of a better word. I wonder if this is a peer pressure thing. Yet, another part of me wonders...has she been sexually abused since she was old enough to understand. I know that it happened before she turned a year old. Is it possible that this is a result of that? Has it happened since? I know that when I started having sex at 12...it was because of several things. I was desperate to be loved. COMPLETELY. I also was trying to erase the bad memories of what was going on with me inside my home. I know that I was not getting the love, attention, and affection that I so desperately needed as a child in my home...so I was looking elsewhere. Is that her issue? Is she not getting the love and attention that she needs from us as her parents? Is she just curious? I don't know...I am so confused. I, at this point, (as she was gone last night to a friends) really felt like I needed to clean my girls room well, and see what else lied within this room. (Yes, I am sure that this is wrong, but I couldn't let it go) I didn't find anything else MAJOR. I did find another piece of paper that again made me see myself ....at the top it said "Questions"...and proceeded from there with....Where did I go wrong? Why did God make me this way? What is wrong with me? Why do I fight with the people around me? Why am I ugly?....there were a few more that I cannot recall off of the top of my head. But she sounds so much like me that it makes me crazy. I have NEVER talked like that in front of her. Truly, I have never TALKED like that at all. I have written almost everything...almost EVERYTHING. I most certainly have NEVER said ANYTHING of the nature in front of her. How much of my moods are hereditary to her? How much of her is just suffering the way that I did as a child? I don't know...I don't like it either way. How much of this is just normal for being 10?? I don't know. I don't know how to start this conversation, I am scared of this conversation. When I first read this letter I was angry. NOT at her...but what made me angry? That she is like me? That she has these questions...? I don't know. I just don't like it, and I am NOT ready for this. Now, though I am not ready for this. We are bringing it up to her. Probably tonight. We are concerned as her parents. This will not go untouched. BUT, I am scared to death.

And my other question...why does she leave it where we can easily find it? Is it not thinking about us finding it? It just seems weird to me that BOTH of these papers have been right where we can find them. Does she want to talk about it and just doesn't know how to start the conversations? Is she scared to death of her own feelings? I just don't get why this is happening. Why are they left where we can find them? I don't get that part. It doesn't make sense. What is going through her little head? Ughh...I am hoping that this is NOT considered one of the "joys" of motherhood, because I am NOT enjoying this at all. NONE whatsoever. I worry, I lose sleep, I lose my mind. This is my baby.

April 3, 2007
8:53 am
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mamacinnamon
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Mich:

I didn't post yesterday coz you stated in the beginning that you were not asking for responses. Please do let me respond.

Yesterday when I read you first post I just wanted to say YES YOU CAN AND YES YOU WILL to all of the following: "I have spent a long time in this tunnel. I will continue to fight my way out. I will find my way out. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I am a fighter. I will go back to school. I will overcome the results of my past. I will continue to push through. I will fight to raise good kids. I will do my best. I can, and I WILL"

Now I read your second posting. I am in no way an expert, but have raised 2 teens and the third is well on her teen way. I just wanted to say that when you sit her down to talk start w/ dad and I love you and please don't expect her to just spill. If she's like teens I've known she'll get totally offended and say "how could you" and storm off. Be certain she hears you say "we will be here for you any time you want to talk, we care and we love you no matter what". As to is this normal? I think that depends on the many things such as where you live, who you daughter hangs w/, things like this. Just my opinion.

April 3, 2007
8:54 am
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mamacinnamon
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(sorry, forgot to end w/...)

((((holding you close))))

April 3, 2007
9:05 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Mama...I wasn't trying to insinuate that people can't respond...I just need some place that I feel safe to journal. That is all I was saying. I am ALWAYS open to opinions, and suggestions. So I thank you for being willing to do that. I am trying Mama. I am. I will get there. One step at a time. I can't get there any faster than that. I will also see to it, that she is dealt with, NOT ignored. We will addess this. I care about her, and I love her. I think that this is the scariest time of my motherhood so far. I could handle puberty...this is tough.

Thanks for the encouragement, thanks for the advice, and thanks for the hug Mama. I miss talking to you.

((((((Mama))))))

April 3, 2007
9:48 am
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bevdee
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Hey Mich

I'm not a mom, so this is all the way out of my league. I'm a daughter though, and I wanted to let you know that the fact that you are agonising over the right way to handle this situation speaks volumes about the difference in you and your mom. It speaks volumes about the love and concern you have for these precious lives. You are a fierce mother-goddess.

You are a better teacher Miss Michigan.

Runnin late, gotta git.

April 3, 2007
4:00 pm
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ggfred4
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(((michy)))
I am so proud of you! You are a great mom! My mom did NOT attempt to ever communicate with me, avoidance at all cost. Yes, that trait has been passed on to me, or have I just learned it from her? Anyway, you are trying to make a difference by opening the doors of communication and letting your daughter know that you love her and care for her. You go girl!!!

April 3, 2007
7:31 pm
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Isis
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(((Michy)))

There you go again Mich... amazing me once again.

You keep on keeping on girlfriend.

Love you,

Isis

April 3, 2007
10:09 pm
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needtoheal
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Mich--

You are a wonderful mother.. There had been many times in my life that I wished that my mother was to sit me down and talk with me about life.. but she didn't. You are doing what is best for your child by opening the door to communication with her.. It speaks volumes. You are breaking the cycle.. doing what your mother was incapable of doing with you!
As the other triplet said, you go girl!

I love you, Mich.

*NEED

April 3, 2007
11:39 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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We had a VERY long talk with Arica tonight. It went VERY well. I will post about it tomorrow.

Thank you ALL for your love and support.

(((gg, Bev, Isis, Mama, and Need)))

I am exhausted...goodnight to all.

April 4, 2007
8:09 am
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bevdee
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Mich

Good morning. Good to hear you talked to the little girl. sometimes talking is better than worrying, isn't it?

And now the little girl knows you and your husband care enough about her to talk to her.

Hey I want you to know that your original post on this thread caused me to think about my own goals. Thanks for posting yours.

April 4, 2007
10:43 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well, as I said...the conversation went VERY well.

We sent our 2 middle children to the neighbors house, so it was just h, myself, Arica, and the baby. We called her into the family room to talk to us for a while.

We started out by telling her that she had left a few things laying around where we could easily find them. As they were in plain sight. So we told her that we wanted to talk about those few things. Being one that we saw where she mentioned wanting to hurt herself, and two...we wanted to talk to her about "boys". We prefaced the whole conversation fron that point by telling her that in NO way was she in trouble, or was there any type of punishment for what we read.

About her hurting herself....She said that sometimes that she thinks about it. She doesn't think about killing herself. She wants to punch walls, and stuff of that nature. She said some of the time that she has these thoughts, she doesn't even have an idea of what she would do with it...just that she wants to do it. Now, thought that didn't make it ok to me...it still didn't bother me as much as if she had been talking about wanting to die all of the time. But, we are still aware that this situation needs to be addressed, and it will. By someone other than us.

At the point that conversation was wearing down, she told us that she had to go to the bathroom. She was in there for probably 5 or 6 minutes. She came out and told us that she had diahreah. H started to kind of giggle. He asked her....are you nervous? She admitted to that...without question. She looked at us and said..."you found the yellow notebook, didn't you?" I looked at her and said yes Arica. And it is ok...we are just going to talk about it for a little while. YO ARE NOT IN TROUBLE. At that point, she switched the way that she was laying on the couch so that her head was in my lap.

So, we brought up this discussion. We asked her who the specific boy that she mentioned was, and she told us. We asked her about what she wrote in there. She told us that they are just thoughts. She said that she has never done ANY of it, and that she wouldn't. H asked her if she has ever even kissed a boy. She said...like in the third grade dad, I kissed a boy on the shoulder. That was it. I have NEVER kissed a boy since then. So there was some comfort in that to both of us. We did tell her that the feelings that she is having are VERY normal feelings given her stage of puberty and everything else. Her sweet little face looked at us, and said..."you mean my feelings aren't wrong?" Nope. They aren't wrong. They are notmal. She had a sense of relief on her face at that point. So we proceeded to talk about this for a little while. I will also tell you that there was a small sense of relief to know that she did NOT know exactly what sex was either. That was a comfort to the two of us for whatever reason. She said that her friends don't talk about stuff like she is thinking about and she is a full year younger than a LOT of the kids in 5th grade. SHe will still be 10 for four months into the sixth grade. We explained to her, that age is irrelevant when it comes to puberty. It comes for all girls at different times. She is fully developed, breasts, pubic hair, etc. A lot of her friends have developed NONE of that. So we explained that though she is a year younger, she is still at least a year ahead of them in that aspect. With puberty comes some of these feelings. That was a tough conversation for her to understand, but I think that she finally got it. We also made a BIG deal out of her body being private, and that NOBODY should touch it for a long time. She needs to keep what is hers precious.

What did we do to try to help resolve this issue? We tried to give her an open line of communication. I had discussed this with Jim (my therapist) and asked him what to do. He gave me some ideas and this is the one that we went with. We are going to get a pad of paper where she can write ANYTHING that she wants and will get in trouble for NOTHING that she writes. This notebook will be something that her and I will be able to write back and foreth. She can tell me whether she wants me to write back or whether she wants to talk. She can write in there that she just needs a little bit of time with me. Because she is so much older than the rest, and so independant I think sometimes that she is NOT getting the attention from me that she wants and needs. So this will give her the chance to tell me. We agreed to check it everday, and maybe even say in the meantime that we need to read what is written in there. We also discussed that it is ok to write other things in there. I told her that one day she might open it up and just find a note that says " I love you Arica, I hope you had a good day." It doesn't always or ONLY have to be about serious things. I told her that even her mom is better at writing things sometimes...so maybe this would be good for us both. We will see what comes of it. I hope that it is a great thing for both of us. She seemed pretty interested, and open to the whole thing. So we will see where it goes from here.

That all being said, the conversation went well. I couldn't have asked for it to end any better, and I am hoping that it helps her and I both. I want DESPERATELY to be a good mom. I want her to trust me, and feel comfortable coming to me. I hope that this helps. I do love her, and I do care about her. As I do all of my children.

April 4, 2007
11:44 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev,

I am NOT done posting here about my goals. I am NOT done. I have so much in my head right now, that I am going to let it ALL out. I am on a mission. It just so happened that this sitz with my daughter came in the middle. I am going to be posting here for a while. Things that are bothering me, things that are hurting me, things that are scaring me. Things that I hope for, things that I dream of, things that my heart yearns for. It is ALL in there, and it is coming. ALL OF IT. It will come out. I need it to. If people want to read it, and or respond to it. GREAT. If not, it is here. I thought about pulling up my old diary...but that is who I was. That is where I came from. I wanted to start somewhere new. That is where this thread is going to be. I have some hurts. I have some pain. My past may come up, my nightmares may be displayed for the world to read. But in here, are going to be the goals, the hopes and the dreams as well. The things that make my life worth living. The things I have to be thankful for. It will all be here. I feel safe here. And I am over caring what people think about me and my feelings. This is my life, my heart, my past, my future. If it touches someone...great. If it inspires someone....even better. If it pisses someone off....oh f*cking well. I hope that somewhere that this is making sense to you. I hope that it makes a difference in my life, and if it does for someone else...AWESOME. I am blessed that could be the case. Does this make sense?

Anyway...I am glad to have inspired you. I care a lot about you Bev. I am thinking of you often. Much of the desire that I have to do what I am doing here, and the desperation that I have to do ...is what you have helped me to do. Thank you.

Mich

(((Bev)))

April 5, 2007
9:44 am
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bevdee
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(((Mich))))

Here's a hug for you this morning. I know you're here - reading and thinking, earth mother.

Talk nice to yourself today.

April 5, 2007
10:58 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev,

Lurking this morning...gathering thoughts....!! Pondering something in particular. Trying to sort it out.

(((Bev)))

Love

Mich

April 5, 2007
12:20 pm
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Wow, Mich!!!

You are just a-blossoming like mad! I really *loved* the notebook idea you are going to do with Arica. Hey, that Jim guy has some good ideas, eh??

And then you wrote, "in here, are going to be the goals, the hopes and the dreams as well. The things that make my life worth living."

You know, it means a lot to me every time I read you referring to your life being worth living. Even though I don't post to you very often, I keep my eye on you. And sister, I love what I see. You are inspiring me. Thank you.

(((Mich)))
love, kroiks

April 5, 2007
4:05 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((kroika))) I am sure that my writings that pertain to my life being worth living does mean something to you. Not that it doesn't to others here...but what it means to you I have to imagine is a little different. Thanks again. I do know that life it worth living. Most days I a pretty convinced. I haven't had TOO many nights like that one since then. Sure, they still come on occasion...but not like they used to. I like them being less often, it makes me feel like I have a little more control...like maybe I am getting somewhere....I guess time will tell. Unfortunately, the severity of those times almost seems worse...is that because I am not allowing myself to feel my natural feelings more often, and I wait until they get so strong that I can't push it back....OR is it something else? I don't know. BUT, what I do know...is that I believe that I will learn how to deal with these thoughts and feelings. They are real...I don't doubt that for a minute. I may never lose those thoughts and feelings, I just want to be able to control them when they happen. The last one was about 3 weeks ago, and the worst one that I have had in a LONG time. It was brought on by a nightmare. It lasted a few days, I managed with the help of a couple of friends... I never actually told either one of them where I was at emotionally, or at least to what degree (as I don't take either one of them for stupid, I am sure they had a clue) but their support helped me through. SO I knew what I needed to get through it...another step...I got through it without an SOS thread stating that I wanted to die. I am truly pretty proud of those little steps. The only thing that I don't like...is that if I REALLY needed to...would I cry out for help again? Here or elsewhere?? That is the part that still bothers me. One day at a time kroika....one day at a time. That is all that I can do. I KNOW that I have come some distance...I want to go farther. I think I am able to move forward and start taking a few more steps again...as I was feeling sorry for myself again for a little bit, I sat pretty still. I will get there. I will. I am working on it...and the support of the people here...that is who I have to thank for my life, my growth, but most of all...for my self awareness. I was SO clueless. But, I have learned to trust, to talk, to love and to move forward...and for all of that...I am SO thankful. I am a better person for my 11 months at this place.

Much love, Mich

I am sure that was rambling, but sometimes that is what I think that I need. And there you go...you got it. Thanks for continuing to check on me...I appreciate you.

April 6, 2007
9:51 am
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Isis
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Good morning Michy...

Even though I am balls to the walls busy, I am still reading when I get a chance- like every other day or so.

Please know that I am thinking of you and sending positive energy your way.

Now, I must leave you as I am headed to Logan International Airport. I have a hockey game to see!

Gone to St. Louis....

GO BC!!!

You're going doooowwwwnnnnn MICHIGAN-
State that is!

Love you (((Michy))),

Isis

April 6, 2007
10:18 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Love you ISIS....

GO MICHIGAN STATE.......

(((Isis)))

April 7, 2007
9:41 pm
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I LOVE YOU Isis.....

Michigan State....#1 honey...

Mich

(((Isis)))

April 8, 2007
10:39 pm
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September 29, 2010
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Well, truly, this has been a shitty weekend. I need a vacation. I thought that it was going to be a great weekend...and relaxing...was I EVER wrong? Oh well. Friday night I spent several hours in the hospital..I even had morphine for the first time. That was FUN. I was miserable, and still am. I was having chest pains, and the likelihood is good that it is my gall bladder I guess?? They ruled out my heart and my lungs...so I guess that it is a good thing. I didn't have any stones...but the symptoms all lead them to believe that is what is going on. Oh well. I am still alive. I never recouperated from the lack of sleep though...as I did not get home from the hospital until 4:10 am, and still got up with my kids at 7:30-8:00 because my h was too tired to get up with them. WTF??? Isn't that just a pity. I was pissed. But, then we tried to have a good day and we went shopping at an outlet mall ALL DAY. I was SO tired. But I tried to hold myself together. It was probably 11 at least when I crawled into bed last night...then got up at 7 this morning to get my four kids and myself ready for church (where I hadn't been in months)and woke my h up, 30 minutes before we had to leave. Trying to make sure that he gets enough sleep. This is the stuff that makes me mad. Then....he took a nap while I cleaned the house for his dad and his girlfriend to come over for dinner. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Why? Why do I not stand up for myself? Oh who cares!! Then, my mother called in all of this....and guess what? She will be home tomorrow. Let me go back...I cried all through church this morning...I know that it had to do some with the service...but crap...I can't keep doing this...I am losing my mind. So I was a crybaby....serious crybaby today...ughhh. Well, while talking to a friend on the phone tonight...trying to act like all was ok...I started my third period in 6 weeks...again...WTF???

April 9, 2007
8:33 am
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bevdee
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Hey Mich

Oh, I feel for you with that gallbladder situation. I had a long bout with "symptoms of stones" about 13 years ago- but nothing ever happened. The stones they watched for never formed. They finally concluded that I had an irritable gallbladder!! (I wonder if my gallbladder was repressing true anger?) I had alot of pain between my shoulderblades, and under my right breast- sometimes enough to double me over.

You say - "Why do I not stand up for myself? Oh who cares!!"

Then you say - "Then, my mother called in all of this....and guess what? She will be home tomorrow."

This is a guess - so forgive me if I am wrong. Do you think that because at this point you are unable to stand up to your mother that you are also unable to stand up to anyone else?

It could be that contact with the woman so debilitates your emotions that it leaves you with no strength to stand up for yourself in situations like you described.

You body needs rest- if your gallbladder is forming stones, or being cranky- that hurts!! Pain is exhausting. And if you are having the nausea and diarrhea that goes along with gallstone symptoms- I feel for you. It's all exhausting.

Being a stay at home mother is such a thankless job, IMO. You never get a day off, it is always expected that the house be "run" smoothly- and I suspect you try to make things easier for your husband - always striving to create an efficiently run home for him to return to. (Just guessing, cause I think that's what most ladies do- I know I did)

Hey, a lady I worked with said this this one time and it really made me think - "When company comes and sees a messy house, they always think "Oh she is an awful housekeeper" Instead of - "Oh, bless her heart, her husband is lazy and thoughtless and won't clean up after himself" "

I am really liking your ability to express yourself here - "Well, truly, this has been a shitty weekend." Ha!!

April 9, 2007
8:50 am
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bevdee
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I had another thought - and as always- this is about myself as well as you. Sorry to quote myself, but from this thought I think further -

"This is a guess - so forgive me if I am wrong. Do you think that because at this point you are unable to stand up to your mother that you are also unable to stand up to anyone else?"

Do you think because of the way she treats you and the cycle that you keep perpetuating with her- that cycle in which you are constantly striving for approval and validation and love-and never receiving it- makes you feel unworthy and it just bleeds over into everything else?

I say this because my contact with my dramamama has almost stopped, and alot of the inner conflict I had with the C-man has receded as well. I finally saw the connection this weekend. The man "I wasn't quite good enough for" I don't know how many of my old posts on that subject you have read, But it's been a long journey "home" and that journey started with him about a month after I started talking to my mom again. Maybe I'll sit down and write out a little timeline or a connect-the-dots thingy for possible insight.

I have got to get in the shower.

Talk to you later Michigan.

April 9, 2007
1:15 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev, Bev, Bev.....

My chest still hurts. I am NOT impressed by any of this. I am truly hoping that it will pass. But, I don't think that is going to happen. We will see. My pain as well was in my chest...right on the inside of my right breast. I would have NEVER expected it to be my gallbladder, BUT, a friend of mine that has had hers removed told me that is where her pain was. The pain between my shoulder blades did not start. I went to the ER when the pain had continued for hours, and I started to feel like I was going to throw up. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. No big deal. I will live...I always do. I am a fighter. But I would like the pain to subside. I don't ever want it to be like it was on friday again. And the third period in 6 weeks thing, is starting to REALLY piss me off. I am SO tired.

"This is a guess - so forgive me if I am wrong. Do you think that because at this point you are unable to stand up to your mother that you are also unable to stand up to anyone else?"

It has ALWAYS been very difficult for me to stand up for myself to ANYONE. My mother, my friends, my husband, anyone. I would rather do and say what it takes to make people happy than to cause an argument. I truly don't like confrontation...contrary to what one might believe. I don't want to make people angry or hurt. I would rather suffer myself than to do that. It is easy to take some of that out here as nobody here knows me. I don't have to live with the feelings that people here have about me. I take them to heart..such as...I know that because of what happened here months ago...certain people will not post to me anymore. That is sad to me. But the real question is....was I wrong? What made my feelings wrong? Truly, what is wrong with me expressing myself? Why do I struggle? Why do I feel the need for everyone to like me? What is the point in that? Why can't I just be me? And the toughest question that just came to mind, why do I struggle to think it is ok to have feelings that are different than my own? You know Bev, it would be one thing if I thought that it was ONLY negative feelings that I struggle to express, but I can't do it with positive ones either. I don't allow myself to express feelings at all. That thought scares me. Typing that last few sentences lefy me with a VERY icky feeling inside my heart.

"Being a stay at home mother is such a thankless job, IMO. You never get a day off, it is always expected that the house be "run" smoothly- and I suspect you try to make things easier for your husband - always striving to create an efficiently run home for him to return to."

I wish that more people could see my job through your eyes. Especially my husband and my mother.

"Do you think because of the way she treats you and the cycle that you keep perpetuating with her- that cycle in which you are constantly striving for approval and validation and love-and never receiving it- makes you feel unworthy and it just bleeds over into everything else?"

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, gotta go for a little bit. I will be back...here is a start for you though.

Mich

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