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The secret to happy dating ... I've found it!
January 2, 2006
10:05 am
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Anonymous
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I'm convinced I've found the answer to preventing most of the problems I've seen written on this site about dating relationships.

There's a thread touching on pure love, and somebody mentioned that he'd never experienced that, only lust.

There's the key to the answer! Keep lust out of the picture, and you prevent those feelings of jealousy and insecurity that go with dating others. For myself, whenever I've lusted after a woman, I've wanted to control her, wanted her to be mine alone, and couldn't stomach the thought of her dating anybody else. This has led to much anxiety and jealousy and controlling behavior on my part.

But when I've determined in my heart to put lust aside and treat women as friends, things go much more smoothly. Yes, it's sometimes hard maintaining this attitude, and I can't always maintain it, but in my limited experience with this, it's been well worth it.

Does anyone else have any experience with this concept, or care to comment?

January 2, 2006
10:18 am
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kasie919
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Seeker:
You really do need to write a book!!
Im so impressed by you..

You are going to make some lady very lucky!!

Friendship is important when you are thinking romance..
I wouldnt have it any other way..

Love you!!
Kasie

January 2, 2006
10:45 am
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I wish I could consistently do what you said, but I think I alternate between lust and love which isnt bad.. but its painful when its the lust phase.

January 2, 2006
12:51 pm
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Hi seekerw,

In one way, I think you are right on the money. Scott Peck talks about this one some. When sex is involved, we summon the animal part of us that wants to ensure that OUR genes, and ONLY our genes are transmitted to the next generation. That is genetically based selfishness, and acting on it can get us into trouble.

Of course, for some people, it is the opposite. For some people, sex is a natural and easy body function. Some people want and prefer to have "fuck buddies" instead of "lovers." Of course, that is a more superfical way...an "easy way out."

I think the REAL challenge is when we try to simultaneously satisfy our animal urges and our spiritual urges.

And that is where I see you maybe going a little astray here. Yes, avoiding sexual exchanges, putting that tension out of your mind does simplify relationships with women. But if you are talking about pure platonic friendships with women, then that is not dating.

To me, "dating" is a social process that leaves open the possibility, even the hope of developing a relationship that is intimate in all of it's forms, including sexually. For some people, that means waiting until marriage for sexual expression, but still.

We do things like "go bowling" or "watch a ball game" with "friends." We "date" prospective fiancees.

January 2, 2006
12:53 pm
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So yes, develop "friendships" with women. Maybe one will develop into something more. I thnk it is a very bad idea (i.e., suicidal) to become sexually intimate with someone you cant have a friendship with.

January 2, 2006
2:22 pm
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kasie919,

Thanks. Maybe I will write a book. I already have quite a story I could tell. Hey, you could write the forward, if you'd like.

"You are going to make some lady very lucky!!"

Gee! Aw, shucks!! Thanks. BOL {blushing on line}.

I've tried blundering directly into a relationship and also starting off by just being friends. My blundered attempts have never worked out; my friendships, though, have generally lasted. Every woman I've ever attempted to date prefers friendship first.

I hope you're doing well. I haven't had much time to devote to this site lately, and if you've been posting elsewhere, I'm not aware of it.

Take care, Kasie, and love to you, too.

January 2, 2006
2:32 pm
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"For some people, sex is a natural and easy body function. Some people want and prefer to have "fuck buddies" instead of "lovers." Of course, that is a more superfical way...an "easy way out." "

For everybody, WD, sex is a natural and easy body function. So is going to the bathroom, too, but you don't just go wherever and whenever you want. Same with sex.

"And that is where I see you maybe going a little astray here. Yes, avoiding sexual exchanges, putting that tension out of your mind does simplify relationships with women. But if you are talking about pure platonic friendships with women, then that is not dating."

Dating to me means finding a suitable mate for marriage. I mean to stay mostly platonic (not going past first base) until marriage. Yes siree, take care of the relationship, and the sex will take care of itself, as my grandfather never said (course he never said much of anything to me!).

January 2, 2006
3:01 pm
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seeker:

to be honest, i dont think i could go into another realtionship unless it was a friend first kind of thing,yes i have those male friends who are close to me and as of the late on has really burned me, stabbed me right in the back, but i have one, who i tell me most deepest darkest secrets to and he has never turned on me..
And because if the TRUST i have with him, if i ever chose to date again it would be with him, although im not looking for a marriage, not for a long long time, but you are truly thinking this out, and im proud of you for it,
its very impressive, any woman who meets you can surely see you are a catch!!

Dont sell yourself short my friend you to will have what you so desire..

Its important to me to have my friend, as my stbx doesnt understand, he would prefer the "OPEN" marriage approach and have his cake and eat it too..

Id be the first in line to buy your book!!!

Love kasie

January 2, 2006
3:17 pm
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But seekerw,

If if you are looking for a proespective mate, then how can you avoid thoughts of sex?

January 2, 2006
3:30 pm
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Kasie,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about dating. It helps buoy up my hope and resolution. I need occasional reminders that I'm onto the right thing. It's so easy to stray off!

I'm glad you have your friend you can turn to in this time of need. Congratulations for keeping things platonic, too. Right now, I'm a friend to a woman who's in somewhat of a situation like yours; well, not exactly, but there are similarites. I'm careful to keep my perspective.

I won't let you buy my book, I'll give you a copy. An autographed copy. You won't even have to stand in line for it, either!

Take care!

January 2, 2006
3:31 pm
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WD:
Forgive me if Im wrong, but is sex everything in a relationship?
yes its a good thing to have, but isnt being able to communicate better?

If i feel comfortable talking, then when it comes to sex, i would be even more comfortable communicating what i want in the bedroom..

did i say that right?

kinda hard to express with out people thinking stupid stuff

January 2, 2006
3:36 pm
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No sex isn't everything in a relationship--that is not what I am saying.

But sex is the classically defining of a sexual relationip. Just ask your wife or girlfriend. She is fine with you doing all sorts of things with other people. But if you have sex with them watch out.

If "dating" is about looking for a mate, then dating is about looking for that special one person who, unlike all the other people, we want to have sex with.

If I were like seekerw, and trying to make sure that absolutely no lust came into my friendships with women, then I would makes sure that I only spent time only with really ugly, mean, stupid, already-married lesbians.

January 2, 2006
3:37 pm
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🙂

🙂

🙂

😉

January 2, 2006
3:37 pm
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Seeker:

thank you,

whatever you do if its my situation give it space..

Im desring some alone time like you wouldnt believe, it has been such an urge for me, i could almost scream at times..

But you, you are doing all the right things so dont worry,

just be cautious,

Im learnig that you cant always wear your heart on your sleeve..

the friend i have is well aware of my heart and where i stand, i believe in HONESTY 1st and formost, and i need to be able to keep things that way..
I cant lie,cover up or hide anything..
dont know if thats good or bad, but i just cant..

Ill be waiting for the book my friend..

{{{seekerw:}}}}

January 2, 2006
3:39 pm
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WD,

"If if you are looking for a proespective mate, then how can you avoid thoughts of sex? "

You can't avoid them, but you can dodge them, and deflect them, and distract them, and snake around them. YOu can ask your partner for help in avoiding acting upon them; hopefully she'll be strong when you're weak, and vice versa.

You can even agree to not spend so much time together, if the temptation becomes too great. It's not easy to always do this. That's why I prefer a short engagement period. Heck, I'd like to elope when I get married again. Why wait for the wedding announcements, the chapel to be available, etc., once you're sure of each other?

Quite honestly, I get thoughts of sex with various women more often than I'd like to admit, but if I don't entertain them, they go away. The thoughts, not the women!

January 2, 2006
3:40 pm
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wd:

OMG you made me laugh my butt off!!
LOL:::::)))

I see what your saying, im sorry i must have taken it like a woman..

ok ok i agree with you....

uuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhh

January 2, 2006
3:47 pm
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seeker:

your a trip, you and wd have got to be on the same wave,

Your right in what you say, and of course its the moves you make..

But WD is right as well..

but only you men know your self..

its a hold out thing, us women know nothing about right???

Im teasing here so dont get upset..

I think that to wait is better, i would never date a man who wanted sex on the first,second,or even thrid date, it would have to be a mutual feeling..
unless of course im drunk and have no clue what the hell im doing LOL:)

January 2, 2006
4:25 pm
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Exaclty...whatever you do dont drink, or the law of intoxicated attraction will get you!

January 2, 2006
4:39 pm
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been there,done that, know not to do it...

someday i will get it right,

just dont know when...

January 2, 2006
5:50 pm
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WD:

ive been thinking,

What if you met someone online, chatted,talked on the phone, sent ppictures and have cameras,

would you still consider that dating? getting to know them?

you plan on meeting..

what then??
what is that considered?
ive seen alot of that..
what do you think?

January 2, 2006
10:39 pm
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WD,

{If I were like seekerw, and trying to make sure that absolutely no lust came into my friendships with women, then I would makes sure that I only spent time only with really ugly, mean, stupid, already-married lesbians.}

Why does anybody have to equate no lust with no sex???!!! Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't date anybody I'm not physically attracted to. I just wouldn't go beyond first base until marriage. Going into marriage, I want to be absolutely sure I'd want to consummate.

Not lusting to me doesn't mean you don't want sex or don't think about it with that person. It simply means that you're willing to wait for the proper time.

I'm getting too serious. Time to loosen up a bit. I need Tez. Tez, where are you?

January 2, 2006
10:49 pm
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seekerw,

Oh, that's what you mean. Hey, I have no problem with waiting until marriage. Or at least until something pretty serious is agreed to.

Still though, it seems to me that physical attraction=lust. Of course now we are down to idiosyncratic semantics, so I won't press that point.

Anyway, I did my last round of "dating" entirely cyber. And I made it clear that I was fishing for one thing. A wife. No ringy, no thingy.

January 2, 2006
10:53 pm
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Hi kasie,

Yes, I think there is such a thing as cyber dating--I did it recently.

And I ended up being engaged to the cyber datee.

I think if you are looking who might be a prosepctive intimate partner then you are in "dating" territory. Unless you are specifically contracting for NSA, in which case you are just screwing around.

January 2, 2006
10:58 pm
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hey kasie,

"I think that to wait is better, i would never date a man who wanted sex on the first,second,or even thrid date, it would have to be a mutual feeling.. unless of course im drunk and have no clue what the hell im doing LOL:) "

Can I take you out for a drink ... or two ... or three ... or ...? (Just kidding, I hope you know that!)

I hope you get that time away you want. Are you able to at least get out for a walk or a drive, if that helps?

I'll airmail that book to you as soon as it's done, so you don't have to waste time standing in any lines. No, better yet, I'll make you wait in a long line and serve complimentary beverages, lots of them, alcoholic, of course! (Again, just kidding. I'm in quite a mood tonight.)

It's good to be absolutely honest about everything you need to be honest about. You don't need to tell everything. It's a fine line.

I don't want to minimize the importance of sex. It's important to a marriage, no, vital, crucial. As WD suggests, if a couple doesn't have sex, they might as well be friends, or one might just as well be a "really ugly, mean lesbian".

Sometimes I think my years of self-isolation show through too well. My posts show it, too.

Thank you for your posts, ((((Kasie)))). Take care.

January 3, 2006
12:45 am
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Seekerw,

Note: I am not a marrriage counselor nor do I play one on TV, although if they paid me enough I would. Play one on TV.

I do bait you, just a little, and I sometimes feel conscience about that. It's tough. You are so smart and have such a strong moral code. And you also sometimes come across as so sweet and naive and...I don't know, like a boy scout that you present an irresistable source of fun. Please forgive me for conteding with you in my own annoying, but still friendly and intellectually rigourous way.

🙂 :0 :0 🙂

For several reasons, I think you are good and honorable man.

Yes, maybe you have been alone a little too long. I think for you ( and me, and many men) "dating" ought not to be the dance of "how quickly can we get into each other's pants." For many people, "dating" is really about just learning to be comfortable and gracious, maybe even charming while enjoying social time with someone of the opposite sex.

For many people who have been through difficult or even abusive relationships, "sex" is a four letter word. And I speak for myself here. Whatever happened to lunch? What about conversation? Even studying or working together?

It can be a great relief to enjoy somebody's company without the expectation or fantasy of sex. "dating" somtimes means just enjoying company.

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