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The safe place goes on......
January 10, 2008
9:59 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((SHANEY))))))))))

((((((((((KROIKA))))))))))

January 11, 2008
8:21 am
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(((Misguided))) what a horrible ordeal for your son, I am so glad you won your case, and sad to hear that it took three years for these losers to wake up and fact it! I hope your son is ok today...if anyone hit my child, they would get hell from me, I would feel very sorry for anyone who ever hit my child, they better run far and fast from me!!!

January 11, 2008
10:04 am
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((((((((((MITCH))))))))))

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinkin of ya and holdin tight.....I love ya........I hope that you and yours are doin well.........Just in case you haven't heard it yet today, You are very special to me and I think you are a wonderful Momma......Just know I believe in you and I believe in the steps you are taking........

January 11, 2008
12:44 pm
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MsGuided
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Thanks survivor

I went through years of terrible struggle and it was after i left my X, and moved when my son was 8 a community went against me.
Why? 'cause we were victims..people sniff out weakness and they attack. I had a Kidney illness then, Undiagnosed, and dealt with pain every day, until I got an operation. Well they were sadly mistaken when they decided to mess with me!
That's how our world is set up and it needs to change. That community had huge problems and we left there.
That is the past and it's GONE.
On to the future and things are getting better.

You take care and be positive about the move (see what I said above).even if you have to fake it a bit..Don't let strangers sense you are weak! Too many assholes out there!
Peace! & be well

January 11, 2008
1:34 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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MsGuided...

Thank you for your apology. I wasn't exepecting one. Not because I thought you are an evil or mean person, but because you are entitled to your opinion.

First, I am VERY sorry for what you and your son went through. I am sorry for the pain that you have endured. You said...."I really didn't want to bring up my past." It is ok here to do that. The past that we have is what has made us who we are today...and it is ok to bring it up.

Second, I apologize for taking your post as an attack. I think that it would be easy for people around here to assume that I like to pick a fight, or get involved as though I have nothing better to do. People have no idea during these fights how many times, my posts are written with tears. Not really of anger but a desperate plea to be heard...to be understood. Does that make sense?? I didn't want to fight with you, I can't. I don't have the strength in me right now to fight at all.

Third...my journey here at AAC has been long. I have been here for almost two years. This place is the only safe haven I have had in 31 years of life.

I came here in May of 06, a COMPLETE mess. I had never really talked about my past. PERIOD. I always tried to be supportive of people who were already here, and to people who were new. It seemed to me even then that it would typically be the same people that posted to me at that time. I really appreciated the support that I got...it helped me to feel safe.

I started to talk, to tell the basics of what I went through. The childhood abuse, (physical and sexual), and the neglect. Since that time MsG, MUCH more has come. I started to see my therapist, because of the encouragement that I got here. I had given up...COMPLETELY on therapists. I had been to several, I wasn't willing to try anymore...especially a male. BUT...I did that, because of what I had here.

I came here with VERY high suicide risks...and DAILY (sometimes multiple times) thoughts of suicide...and wanting to die. I was talked out of one of the worst suicidal nights of my life (thanks Kroiks). I no longer think about it often at all.

I learned that I was lovable, I was also able to love. I was a comfort and a support to many for a long time. While in all of that, my life was changing.

I was able to talk about the abortion that I had as a young girl that was a result of the rapes that I faced on a regular basis within my home.

I was able to share about the abuse that I, and my children) were facing in my home. Stuff that had shamed me, and made me miserable.

I, just this last August, was able to disclose for the first time ever, the details of the sexual abuse that I went through as a kid....that was horribly painful. I cried and still do sometimes. I had buried it so deep. I didn't ever want to remember it.

Since I have been coming here, I have had a baby, I have had my tubes tied, I have had a hysterectomy.

Now, I have done something about the abuse within my own home.

I have also started going to face to face support groups for adult survivors of sexual abuse.

I understand that you weren't here about 15 months ago...when all hell broke loose when the word CLIQUE was brought up. It truly devastated me. I was traumatized. BECAUSE, I always try to reach out to people if I feel that I can....regardless of who they are. I try to be there for new people, and I try to be there for old timers as well.

What I find funny about the clique thing...is that if you go back 15 months...there were several people that I would consider to be my most supportive FRIENDS here right now....are people that I wanted to rip their heads off back then. (Love ya Lolli, Bev, Shaney, Isis) BUT...

See the thing is. I don't make attempts to not be supportive to anyone. I always appreciate support. I do. I try to support in return....to people that I feel that I have something that may help.

There is great support from many here..no doubt about it. And I appreciate every last post of support that is given to me. BUT...yes, there are people here who have supported me emotionally, for the last two years...that I DO KNOW, are constant, I believe that they TRULY love me and care about me, and that they will be there. In two years...these people, my friends here, have changed my life.

I haven't put all my eggs in this basket...but, it is all I have for support. When, I get pissy...they still accept me tomorrow, when I am crying, sometimes I know they have cried with me, when I laugh...I know that they do too. When I am ready to kill someone, they are right there to hand me the gun. I have tried to be that for them as well.

These people may only seem as support to some....on a distant website that we will never know each other..but to me, it is SO different than that. SO DIFFERENT. These people, who will always remain faceless, will ALWAYS have a huge place in my heart. These people have been my friends...my support, my family. And I love them as such.

I hope that some of this makes sense to you...but, I wanted you to know where my post to you was coming from yesterday.

I am sorry that I was angry...it was not at you, but just the idea that I don't know how to make people understand me.

Yes, when my friends talk about leaving...it is very hard for me. BUT, here, I know that it is ok to say that. I told them that I understood, and I do. TRULY. I have had friends leave here....that I know that I am not the only one that cried when these people left. You learn to love people, and have relationships here...if you are willing.

For me...that saved me. For the first time, I knew I was loved, I knew that I was lovable, and I KNEW that I was able to love in return.

I know that this was long, and I hope it made some sense....

Thanks again for your apology...I am not trying to change your opinion...just let you know how I see things.

Thank you for caring enough to be honest about how you feel.

Mich

January 11, 2008
1:49 pm
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(((((Mich)))))

Have I ever told you how much I love reading your long posts? You are such a fearlessly honest communicator.

Sending good thoughts to you today.... and your children.... and Jay.

Hoping that things are working towards the good for all of you.

much love,
kroiks

January 11, 2008
3:12 pm
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Hi Mich
To me support isn't just the sweet pet names, delicate language but also the truth and tough love, IF it's needed.

I appreciate you responded but you don't have to explain everything.

When I say I don't want to go over the past it's because I did the work, and for my continued growth bringing it up is giving it a voice and energy again.

TODAY..I am miserable in my relationship. I met him over 10 years ago, and he is a nice guy, treated me well, had the liberated male qualities that fit with me, and some mutual interests.

But I ignored a few red Flags . He was living with his parents ( 34? not good) and wasn't paying rent, and had absolutely no job skills, training, so it showed he lacked education. I knew this but He really forced his way into my life. And I allowed it.
That is the key.I SETTLED.If I wasn't medicated and was stronger I would have set my standards higher.
Here i am today , not a homeowner, making everything run around here.
He has avoidance and dependance personality disorder, plus he almost checked off everything on the codependance check list. I checked about a 1/4 of the list.

We are way out of balance.

When my son went through the bullying and I had the Kidney problem at the same time (3 years,, pain, then an operation) I wasn't prepaired to end it. I was too occupied , sick and we were just keeping our heads above. After the operation I put myself through school , then after graduation I started my business.
Unfortunately while things got better for me, he has made mistakes revolving around addiction, hasn't managed his finances.Things didn't progrees where they should be.

I am a results person.
I'm done carrying him .
I feel used.
That is the stage I'm in now, relationship wise.
I screwed up and I am dealing with the consequences.
When I check my relational balance sheet he is way overdrawn.

Here is a pathetic example......
Today I tried to get out of the house before he got up..but he was in the shower. I heard him yell about "no Shampoo" (there was just head and shoulders, for the second day, he gripes because when things run out i go buy the replacements..he's used to that, but it isn't on his tab or time!!) He knows i am done, withdrawing , so he is angry lately, trying to hold on to the benefits.
A healthy grown up would have picked some up on the way home. He knows my sister has cancer, But how can he pick up the slack (he pays little attention to his family, another thing i don't like) But he gets angry when I don't provide comfort, HE does NOT support me and my sone financially!

So I reply back "don't get angry, you knew yesterday, why didn't you pick some up?" Then he gets more angry, and says It is always there"....so I reply, yea like the last ten years I make sure the house is stocked"...He says, " I pay you back"
I say "no you don't, you pay me when we do the shared grocery shop , but when we run out I re-supply and that is on my dime, when i pay bills or for anyhting you owe me and i wait, always waiting"....he says "you're supposed to tell me"
I say " I have a business to run, and a son to take care of, and I have to tell you everything? it's draining reminding you to pay bills, brush your teeth, go to the dentist , clean your car; because it really is disgusting being with someone who shows such little self regard and takes advantage of a supposed partner with a child,
and YOU"RE not paying me HOUSEHOLD management FEES! YOU"RE not providing as a man, a home, ..for ten years! I am done being taken for granted, being the man and the woman in this relationship: living like a college student or being YOUR MOTHER!!"

Ok, I get REAL< cause the nice discussions and requests go unheard: no results..so I am PISSED! Yes, the name calling."Bitch, No wonder you have no friends, Nobody would want you, Bla bla bla.." Yea...HUGE argument. This is what happens with addicts and codeps..when you pull away and expect them to do their part they play dirty . They get abusive. I am putting up healthier bounderies, and the really messy part ensues. So all the demons from the past invade me and I am so teary I can't go anywhere. I am not writng about all those demons!! A real crash just happened . So get it out, cry , shrewd some more paper, do some cleaning , and i'll feel better later. Tomorrow I'll go to the gym. I just want this LOSER GONE! That is my TODAY! and it sucks! I want peace and prosperity, and I have some positive people around me now. So on to tomorrow. That's all I can do. And we're all on here together, in this cyber pond, with our different sized boats, puttering through eachothers wakes..swish swish....and we take on water, then bail it out....life goes on. And I refuse to SINK!

January 11, 2008
3:50 pm
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I am sorry that you are going through all of that....

Sounds like a lot of heartache to me. I find it sad that we seem to feel so trapped in these situations. I wish it was as easy to get out as it was to get in...

((((MsGuided))))

Rest assured of this...the support that I have received has been FAR from all pet names. Bev made sure of that....I faced some pretty hard core truths that I would have preferred to just walk away from.

If you believe that is all I want or can handle on this site...again, that is not the case.

If you were to go through the original "safe place" thread...you would find MANY posts, that brought me to my knees...that I wanted to punch my computer and scream.

I know that I don't have to explain anything to you....BUT, when you bring it up, to a point that I feel unsafe...I am going to defend where concerning me...your beliefs are misguided.

I have attributed MUCH of the growth that has occured in my life to the posts that I didn't want to answer...the ones that made me so angry, the ones that made me cry, the ones that made me emotionally violent.

I still appreciate the sqooshy hugs and support, as some of us still want and need that. Especially some of us, that didn't get that as kids. Healing my Little Mandy has not been an easy task, and still far from completed...but, sometimes, she just needs to know that she is ok. And to yell at her, scold her, or tell her how wrong she is....well, it makes her think of her mother.

I deserve comfort, and I deserve "pet names", and I deserve love. Yes, I deserve the truth....and I deserve to be validated, believed and believed in.

You may not want or need that. I DO. And until I don't....that is what makes us different. Different doesn't make us wrong.

What works for you, may not work for everyone. Some may not be strong enough for the cold hard truth right at first. We are all in different places....and we all have different needs. Mine don't make yours wrong...or the other way around....

Again, I hope that this makes sense...

January 11, 2008
5:40 pm
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Mich

I said "To me support isn't JUST the sweet pet names, delicate language BUT ALSO the truth and tough love, IF it's needed"

I took that directly from the post I MADE!

That statement illustrates a quest for balance. Reacting accordingly to the situation.

What? You think I'm some cold fish who doesn't hug, or say nice things?

Read it again and let it sink in. The full sentence and it's meaning!

If I meant it in an absolute finite way I would have wrote something like: "using pet names and soft talk is unnecessary; or worthless"

I DIDN"T SAY THAT!

"SEEK to understand, then you will be understood"

YOU, sadly, leave out the first step.

This is draining! You have a very selective way of reading things and it tends to go towards the negative.
You take everything I write in a very SUBJECTIVE manner.

And NO I am not going to read all the past threads. I can see the proof, weigh things out, and work things out from the day I joined.

AND I don't appreciate you using my NIC in a negative way to drive your misinterpretted point!

My nic is derived from my upbringing and the way most people are duped by our leaders and the privilaged. I feel the gaps in my upbringing have caused me to make the wrong choices and have disempowered me.

I am brave anough and strong enough to take on anyone who wants to put me down, DIRECTLY or indirectly, and thats what you have done.

SUBJECTIVE is not a good place to be.

It can create CONFLICT, and conflict is not what I thrive on. BUT I will stick up for myself if it is warranted.

You want to take me up on a scholastic level? or continue with this sort of TOXIC behaviour?

Another truth is those who aren't emmancipated from their demons and weakness project; the negative things they say of others usually applies to themselves!

This sort of thing doesn't guide my reactions for the most part. I slip up sometimes.

Because READ THIS CAREFULLY! When a person is in a time of extreme duress, they tend to react before they think. Before they are able to be objective and understand!
They are in "fight or flight" mode, and they will use whatever tools needed to survive and protect themselves.
I'm a veteren of that desperation. Yea, went through the ambient abuse hell!
It's been 16 years since then. Do you think I haven't grown at all from that point on?
WHERE are you?

YES. I am under duress! BUT I am objective and it isn't the same degree as the past.

This is the difference between me and you.

The way you repeatedly insult my nic is very mean spirited.

I would never dream of insulting your nic, and it does present a window for that kind of abuse. IF I were that type of cold mean person you think I am!

YOU said..."I know that I don't have to explain anything to you....BUT, when you bring it up, to a point that I feel unsafe...I am going to defend where concerning me...your beliefs are misguided."

You're not defending yourself against ME! you are projecting!

Your feeling unsafe has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with YOUR life and situation.

On this site when I feel "triggered" I realize it is because of where I am at. I work on MYSELF to get beyond that. So I keep my mouth shut for the most part: taking GENERAL COMMENTS personal isn't balanced.
If you percieve my general comments, that tend to be backed up by therapy writings, illustrating healthy behaviour, as insults YOU have a long way to go.

So don't put that on me!

Really I don't have the energy,for this sort of thing. Your subtle insults delivered in a soft stuffed toy!? Your denial, pleadings and manipulations?

You need to clean your "filter" BIGTIME!

I had my say, I know exactly what you are pulling, and I'm stopping this NOW!

Forgive me!

January 11, 2008
6:01 pm
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One, I was not mad at all when i wrote what I posted...I truly am sorry that you took it that way.

I also did not blame you for me feeling unsafe. I didn't say that YOU made me feel unsafe...I said that I felt unsafe...that doesn't make it your fault.

I never said that you don't want the love and comfort...EVER....I said you MAY not.

I said neither one of us were wrong...

Your post seems like a projection to me...

My first post was written with hurt and frustration....my second one was just flat out honest.

As for your nic...I was not trying to insult you with it.

Believe what you want...I am not able to fight right now. How sad it is that an honest heartfelt post brought you to projecting your anger onto me.

And as far as me having a long way to go...I don't think that I am the only one of the two of us....since you have done EXACTLY what you have accused me of.

I didn't blame you for any of my feelings. This is why I stick to the people that know me well enough to read my posts....

January 11, 2008
6:05 pm
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And as far as my nic, it is what I am....

January 11, 2008
6:49 pm
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omg misguided! you really hit the nail on the head with this> it is so true that when people sense we are weak that they go for our jugulars! i am sorry that you were singled out like that< and so sick at the same time but i am also not surprised that happened that way too< people love to kick your ass when your down in life>>>they sure do> that is why i am pretty much a loner in life i know what most people are msde of< and yes there are a few good people out there but they are very hard to find too>>>are you better now?

January 11, 2008
7:11 pm
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Hi Ladies,

I hope you don't mind if I put my two cents in here? I figured since my name was mentioned....... :o)

Anyway, I would just like to suggest to both you (((Mich))) and (((MsGuided))) that you each take a step back from this thread and re-group.

The reason I suggest this is because, in my experience, nothing productive can come of this type of conversation when emotions are running high and nerves are raw.

I know first hand from past events (and the reason my name was mentioned) that once defenses are up.....just about everything written from that point on is misunderstood, misinterpreted, etc. And it only becomes more and more frustrating when you try to explain what you REALLY meant...only to have it misinterpreted once again. Not only is it frustrating but it can be downright hurtful when you are genuinely trying to make peace only to have it misunderstood and used agaist you.

As we all know, without the benefit of facial expression, tone of voice, inflection, etc...it can be very easy to misinterpret what is being said or the intent behind it.

Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now....I'm sure you both get the point 🙂

I hope that at some point, you will both be able to get beyond this and resolve your differences....or at the very least....accept and respect them.

Love and peace to you both....

Lolli

January 11, 2008
10:41 pm
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Misguided to me always implied that you were once not on the right path but are now, since you call yourself that, I assumed you had rose above it and wanted to express that you were once misguided...I think its a rather cool name myself!

I also was once misguided and I could still use that name, and it would apply well for me, at times and other times, not so much cause of how far I have come. I just wanted you to know that I think you have come far and that your name to me, is something I understand very well.

TO be guided in life, from birth is something that many of us never have or get too, we have to walk into walls and bruise ourselves in order to learn lifes lessons, sadly even at my ripe old age, I am still doing that but not as much!

((( Misguided))) I like your name myself!

January 12, 2008
8:50 pm
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((((((((((MITCH))))))))))

January 12, 2008
8:55 pm
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(((((((((MICH)))))))))

January 13, 2008
8:07 am
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((((((((((MITCH))))))))))

Good mornin......I just wanted to let ya know that I may not post anymore till after the surgery......so......I just wanted you to know that I'm holdin tight and I also want you to know that during and after surgery my hold may loosen up a bit but I'm not lettin go........I'm sendin ya lots of big sqooshy hugs.......I love ya and you are very special to me and I appreciate you and all your love and support.......

January 16, 2008
11:44 pm
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((Mich))

Thinking of you and your family

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