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The safe place goes on......
December 11, 2007
2:04 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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OK, the format of the other thread was starting to make me crazy. (and let me share that today....that makes for a REALLY short trip.)

Shaney...

You said, sometimes the load seems too heavy to carry...yup, I guess that is where I am at the moment.

I went last night...and I was fearful. Things made me nervous, but, I am ok. I don't know if I made any bit of difference or not. To be honest. I guess time will tell. AND...we don't have group tonight...due to weather...so, we will see what transpires in the next week...then we have 2 more weeks off. She never did touch me, BUT, there was a point that I feared that. I wasn't pleasant...

I saw Jim this morning. That was very painful. It is day 10 of the hardest time in my life. I told Jim today that I would rather relive the abuse that I went through as a kid than to face what I am facing right now. The pain. He said that I looked pretty good, despite the tears. But, he knew what was coming. That was....I am doing everything that I can to let the world believe that I am ok...because as soon as I don't...I am so screwed. I was honest enough to tell him that I am afraid of what will happen if I allow myself to feel right now. I scare me.

I was honest with him about the drinking. He also knows that I am taking narcotics as my only way to sleep right now. When I left his house today...he hugged me twice. The second time he said....it really breaks my heart to see you like this Mandy. He has NEVER seen what he saw today.

And now, I don't see him again until the 28th. That scares me. There is a major day between now and then that scares me...two actually.

I am sad...somewhere closer to brokenhearted. I can't even describe what I feel within my heart at this time....there aren't words...

Love to you...I will be ok....I do promise.

December 11, 2007
2:35 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((MICH))))))))))

I'm holdin tight.......I love you! Take care of you.......

December 11, 2007
2:38 pm
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(((((((Mich)))))))

Breathe in, breathe out. Know you are loved. Trust yourself, sweetheart.

((((Mich))))

I have to go right now but I will be checking in later.... and sending heart-healing vibes in the meantime.

much love,
kroiks

December 11, 2007
2:45 pm
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Shaney
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At this point, your ATTEMPT at making an impact last night, is all that matters. You're being proactive, even at your lowest point, which is still better than letting this situation broadside you. Controntation sucks, period... but we're better for facing it when all is said and done. Don't discount your efforts, ever.

I'm sorry your appt with Jim was hard. There's no hiding from a heavy heart, no matter what. It takes everything we have just to conjure up our next breath, some days. But again, you made good, proactive decisions that will hurt for a good while. As broken as your heart is right now, I know it will heal. You're taking steps in the right direction Mich, and soon there will be momentum. Is this pain, what you were afraid of? If so, I can assure you that it will pass. Unlike the constant suffering that you experienced before you opened this dark box. That was a very dark place, with no end in site. But the pain will suffice. It may feel intense, and dark, but there is light after this pain. It's a purging, healing kind of pain that can, and will go away. I have hope, and I hope you do too. (((mandy))) - love - marina

December 11, 2007
3:19 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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((((Shaney, Friendma, and Kroika))))

I am going to sign off of here for a little bit. I may choose to take off tonight no matter what. I just need a break I think. AWAY from my home. Without my h or my kids. I just need a break. I need to gain some control of my thoughts at the moment...

I love you all, and I appreciate each and every one of you....with all of my heart.

Love you...Michy

December 11, 2007
3:34 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((MANDY))))))))))

December 11, 2007
3:51 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well everyone BUT her are going to the bar....so that is what I am going to do tonight.....that should help...

I haven't been to a gay bar since my bachelorette party...I am looking forward to this...truly I am. I need a break...and I am gonna get it.

We aren't going until later, but, I am glad that I will get to get away for a while and take my mind off of the troubles on my heart. I NEED that right now.

Thank you all again.

LOVE YOU ALL....

Motor City Madwoman.....miss you Bevdee....(((Bev))) Hope you know that.

December 11, 2007
4:55 pm
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needtoheal
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(((MICH)))

Sending a BIG HUG.........

I love you very much

NEED

December 11, 2007
11:15 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ok, I am home. I had ONE drink, and that was right away.

Let me say this...the bars are BORING on Tuesday nights....BORING. No fun at all.

Anyway...I will chat with you all later. Thanks for thinking of me tonight...

Love to you all...

Mich

December 12, 2007
1:14 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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This was KissnKamps last email to me...Rest assured that she has only been touched by me ONCE...and that was after one of our first groups...when she was really struggling and felt defeated....This email was received today....I guess, now I just am gonna have to get REALLY ugly...

"Just one more thing.....

Your smile brightens up my day...

and your touch let's me know

that I am SAFE!!!

I will be Patient and I will wait.

I want to Break Rules...with you.

Kiss Slowly....

Love Truly...

Laugh Uncontrollably....

I DON'T regret anything that made me
smile with YOU....."

And Isis, I saw you runnin around here a little. How are you doing? Have missed you much...((((Isis))))

I MISS YOU.....

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

December 12, 2007
1:31 pm
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Friendma
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Mich, let me at her..........I got my GRRRRR on today...............((((MICH))))

December 12, 2007
2:33 pm
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Shaney
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I've had it with her. She's not getting it. She doesn't want to get it. She obviously thinks that, by some miraculous act of God, that you will finally give in to her. Purely dillusional.

"I will be Patient and I will wait."

Ick.

The only thing that this nut is going to get after waiting, is my shoe print on her backside.

Enough already. I dont know what you said to her the last time that you talked to her, but she's refusing to accept your reality. A firm goodbye and distance may be the only thing that will work with her.

I can't take this kind of stuff, really I can't. I don't like this michy. Any ideas?

December 12, 2007
2:41 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Shaney...

You want to write her an email that I can copy and paste?? I would get a kick out of reading it...

She is pissing me off. She has tried to call me 3 f*cking times today...for the love of Mohammed. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. I have NOT answered even one of the calls. I want to rip her head off and shit down her neck....

Ok, now what??

December 12, 2007
2:42 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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And Friendma...

I would let you at her...I think that could be fun to watch...I'll hold her, and you can kick her ass....

Is this yet bordering harassment??

Good Lord.....

December 12, 2007
4:06 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I think that I NEED pest control...

((((Shaney and Friendma))))

You know, I used to love to camp too...isn't that sad??

December 12, 2007
4:11 pm
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Mich,

Can you call one or both leaders of the group and get them to intervene? Did you bring up in group exactly how this woman is contacting you outside of group?

I think the leaders need to deal with this, and deal with it decisively.

December 12, 2007
4:13 pm
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needtoheal
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LET ME AT HER.....

((Mich))

I love and care about you

December 12, 2007
4:30 pm
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needtoheal
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I think that Kousin Kroika is right.. The leaders of the group MUST and SHOULD intervene on this...

I love you, Mich

December 12, 2007
4:42 pm
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Shaney
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Here's the letter:

Look, Miss Kissyrama... your pathetic lack of reality has pushed me too far. What does that mean exactly? Well, that's what I'm about to tell you as I stand here with my taser gun. Just in case you didn't get me the first time, which your last email clearly implies, I'm not goint to take any more of your kissy campfire crap, period. There will be no camping, no kissing, no lame ass Jordan Sparks tunes, and certainly no rule breaking of any kind whatsoever - unless, of course, there is a rule about kicking the ass of a fellow group member - which I will be the first to break if I even SENSE that you're about to head one inch in my direction. If you attempt to do so, consider your ass tasered, on the highest setting, until my smile no longer brightens your damn day. Are we speaking the same language now? I'm saying that you need to wash me from your memory once and for all, because there will never be a chance for US, no matter how patient you are or how long you think you can wait. You will not intimidate me. I will never be your smore. Period. Move on.

December 12, 2007
4:49 pm
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Ok, that letter is fun for entertainment purposes and perhaps some catharsis. I repeat, please let the leaders do their job.

December 12, 2007
4:51 pm
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Shaney
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Yes, pure entertainment. Have you actually said anything to the leaders at this point? I know that I asked you that a few days ago.

December 12, 2007
6:01 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well, I just about fell out of my chair laughing. The nice thing is, it was the first time in days that I have truly LAUGHED. From my heart...and my stomach.

I had told the one leader a little bit about what is going on. She is now gone until sometime next week. I would assume probably Sunday or Monday. I am not sure how to do this. I do know that "d" did tell her exactly what is going on. Out of fear for my safety. I don't know.

I think that I will call the other leader and kind of try to talk some of this out. She is making me bervous...and I don't want to go there anymore...I just don't.

I don't know. I really believed that if I could be in a room full of people who understood me, and I could be comfortable talking about what happened to me, that I would be ok. I did like that I wasn't alone there. I did. I did get to a point that I felt like I could talk about some things. Fairly comfortably.

I am starting to wonder if it is more harmful than good though. I am not going to get anywhere like this. It kind of reminds me of my really young life, where I was going through therapy trying to overcome being raped by the neighbor, but, that is a little tough to do, when I still was still being abused at home. I just couldn't say that...I wasn't able to go there.

So, now I sit in there trying to overcome my past on a whole, and learn that I am ok, and that there is a safe world out there...but, there isn't. I AM being sexually harassed by people within that little circle of people that are supposed to be safe to me.

It makes me sad to think about...I have to give up something good, to protect myself from being further abused...can someone explain this to me?? Please!!

Thanks for all of your suggestions...

Mich

December 13, 2007
12:57 pm
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Shaney
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What's shakin, michy?

I don't know if it's the time of year or what, but I can hardly believe what I'm seeing sometimes. Here, at work, driving about town... things seem so odd to me lately. I don't know...

December 13, 2007
1:46 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I don't want to talk about what is shaking over here Shaney...it is NEVER safe to tell.

Now, would you like to elaborate on what is on your mind, or leave it to my good guessing?

No matter what, just know that I love you...and I think you are great. Despite my HUGE issues some days...I think that I am an alright person. I am just an alright person with an attitude problem....NOT GOOD.

Anyway...I am around...love ya...

December 13, 2007
1:50 pm
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bevdee
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Michigan- for you.

Full Circle - Collective Soul

Drowning to discover

I'd swim but then why bother

Wrestled with decisions

And fools with their opinions

One fine morning I'll awake

To sleep some more

To define my premonitions

Last judgement and conditions

I'd have to dig in my emotions

Then relinquish my devotion

One fine morning I'll awake

Then hope to learn

One fine morning I'll awake

To love's return

Round and Round and Round

I believe love goes Round and Round

Round and Round and Round

I believe love comes Round and Round

Singing the rendition

Of hope in my condition

Caught up in defending

That truth is never ending

One fine morning I'll awake

Then reaffirm

One fine morning I'll awake

To love's return

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