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the mind of a suicidal 21 year old
June 5, 2006
12:28 pm
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lowlysoul
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i have been stuggling all my life with anxiety and depression. Just recently I discovered that I may be bipolar. I have so many days when I could find no other way to cope with my problems other than to kill myself. The funny thing is that every time I am about to someone calls. The only thing I can think of is that God himself is trying to stop me. However, how could such a loving God make any person in this world feel the way that I do. I just don't understand. I try and try to think about other things, but it is impossible. the only way that I can let it all out is to cry. But, I feel as if I am wasting my time. I have other things to do. I can't sleep at night so I get up and take a drive, or walk around the block. I just can't seem to get anything right. I am a raging idiot. I have a freind that I met back in college, before I dropped out, that can usually talk to me. But, whenever she is with her boyfriend she doesn't answer. She and I were involved, at one time and still a little, sexually. She relates to me so well that I guess I felt the need to express my feelings for her. I love this girls to death, because we have an understanding between us that we can make it through anything together. We are there for each other. I don't care what time it is anytime we call each other, provided we're not busy, we pick up and talk. Anyway, so I don't have another friend like that and now I am just rambling. Well, I guess that point of this nonsensical ramble I guess is that I feel so insignificant sometimes, that I just want to die. I can't seem to find any outlet. I did get high on accident the other day because I smoked out of a hookah that I was told had sisha and only sisha in it. However, I think that is the most relaxed and level headed that I have been in years. I don't want to start a life of drugs again though. I just don't know what to do. Someone please help.

June 5, 2006
12:47 pm
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bowlinggreen
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Dear friend:
I feel your pain. I am so sorry of the depths of your sorrow. Some people look at depression as a chemica imbalance, but I think that this is an answer that is sold to us so we will buy pills.

This is not to say that many people don't claim that they were helped by these drugs, I would just not try them until I exhausted everything else.

When I graduated college, I was 24 years old and I felt like you. I figured out that if I didn't change my lifestyle I would feel like garabage for the rest of my life.

The things I did was to quit smoking, drinking and I started exercising. Running in particular was very helpful. You may not realize it but your body could be loaded with toxins, and if you started to clean out your body you may feel better. Cardiovascular exercise also helps the blood circulate, thus it can flush the body our faster.

I don't know what drugs you tried in your past, or how much, but if it was any notable quantity, you probably have a sluggish liver and could benefit from a serious liver cleanese. In Chinese medicine they associate emotions with many of the major organs and if one of these organs is not healthy it can definitely have an effect on your mood.

You could also go to a doctor who practices Chinese medicine who could help you come up with a program. You'd be surprised how much of this could actually be physiological, and fixable.

Good luck to you. You deserve a good life and to fulfill your life's work.

June 5, 2006
1:14 pm
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jastypes
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God does love you, Lowly. He did not cause your pain, depression or bi-polar disorder. He does, however, allow things to happen. And He does promise that He will work all things for good for those who love Him. Of course, when you are stuck in depression, it is very hard (if not impossible) to see how it could work out for good. I suffered from severe depression for about 5 years before I went to my doctor for help. I am one of those people that medication did help tremendously. I had called out to God over that 5 year period only to be unable to hear Him. Now I think He directed me to the right psychologist and physician. Together they were able to help me tremendously. God does not promise us that life will be easy, or pleasant, or carefree. He does promise us that He will be with us no matter what our circumstances. So please know that even when you are suffering and crying and feel awful, He is there with you -- perhaps reaching out enough to stop you from actually taking your life. He can take your suffering and use it for good -- for your good and for the good of others perhaps.

June 5, 2006
3:29 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Lowly:

I have to say I know how you feel. I feel that way at times even now and I have my kids and my hubby and my house and my cat and dog. Perfect little life. But I am disabled and it's no picnic. The pain I feel daily takes alot from me and I'm on 5 painkillers. Just doesn't cut it sometimes. I don't tell you this so you feel sorry for me or you feel your problems are less. I tell you this coz I want you to know that folks of all kinds have the same feelings and pain. Not that it is worse that yours. Each person has their pain and NONE is worse than the other coz we each still feel our pain.

I am one that agrees w/ medication for a short time if possible to help you thru the process of getting yourself to a point you can live and be content. Some folks need meds their whole life; most only need them to help them thru.

I want to tell you also that for me.. my happiness, my sadness, my contentment all depend on my relationship w/ God. God doesn't do this to you, he allows things to happen and as Jastypes said.... God is there w/ you thru everything.

Have you heard the poem footprints in the sand? It is one that very well explains what Jastypes is trying to say. I've printed it below so you can see it.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Scenes from his life flashed across the sky and he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life had flashed before him, he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his life there was only one set of footprints. Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious child. I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering when you saw only one set of footprints... That was when I carried you."

June 5, 2006
9:01 pm
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4me
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Lowly--
God never gives up on us. As tough and desperate as some times may appear, he has a plan for all of us. However, it is very difficult during those trying times to imagine why our 'plan' has to put us through so much pain.

Don't ever give up and don't stop praying...

Remember...God never gives us more than we can bear.

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