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The case for kindness to a suspected Troll
October 4, 2007
9:17 pm
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soofoo
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It's sort of like the case against the death penalty. Better to let a guilty person go free than to kill an innocent one. Besides, if we are kind to a troll, then they haven't been able to cause us to regret our actions. They cause us regret when we react in anger.

It is very difficult to tell whether inconsistencies are lies or just confusion because of a complicated situation. For example, "There are no children" might mean, I don't have any children with the guy in question.

The situation with Eurogurl could have been either way. She could have been a troll, who stopped posting to watch the fire she started (In which case she's probably got some issues anyway). Or she could have been someone who reached out in sincerity-- who had been trying to fool herself and couldn't make it work anymore, and wanted some support where she knew she could get it.

Kindness and support is the best response (or no response if it upsets you too much) for either situation. If she were trolling, kindness and support would not have been the reaction she was looking for. You aren't feeding the abusive person. If she were sincere, it would have been the reaction she needed.

I'm not trying to keep the drama alive. But I think it's something to think about for the next time it happens. Alternate and opposing opinions are encouraged. What do y'all think? Am I missing something?

October 4, 2007
9:19 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I think that you are right on soofoo.

Couldn't have said it better. I think that there is something to be learned from all of this for all of us.

Mich

October 4, 2007
9:30 pm
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bevdee
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Soofoo,

Yes, I agree with your post. It was difficult for me to post as little as I did, because I had noticed a pattern- in several threads over the last few months. It is very insightful of you to say "She could have been a troll, who stopped posting to watch the fire she started (In which case she's probably got some issues anyway)."

Thanks for posting this.

October 4, 2007
9:53 pm
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Well, my country does not practice the death penalty, which I think is a humane policy, so no argument there from me about that. As for euorgurl, she may be emotionally unstable rather than being a troll. It
sounds like she has a lot of stuff to sort out and she is confused. She also has a pattern of writing provocative things and lashing out, which I can say because she did it to me personally on that thread in July.

As with anything else that happens at AAC, our responses to each other are a learning experience, or can be if we treat them that way. It's like a group therapy group; people's patterns that cause problems in their personal life are going to cause the same problems in the group -- and there's something to be learned if the group gets mad at you and confronts you.

Yes, confrontation should be done respectfully and assertively rather than aggressively. We are all learning here, I think, to aim for that when our buttons get pushed. And... we sometimes miss the mark.

So, that's my 2 cents. I will continue to post in the way that I judge to contribute to my own growth and recovery from codependence, and I hope we all do.

regards, kroika

October 5, 2007
3:16 am
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free
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Good thread soofoo.

I posted once on one of the threads involving her. I read the support side often, but don't usually post there, but I've learned quite a bit from what Destiny posts. Her hostility towards Eurogirl confused me, so I posted to her. Destiny responded and so did survivor and a couple others, with points that cause me to conclude that there's something I'm missing. I don't understand what's going on. Stepped back.

Sometimes the best response is no response.

But maybe there's one that's better.

free

October 5, 2007
3:54 am
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thedogsmom
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"the case for kindness".
I believe you should try hard not to make assumptions and take things personally. Most of us go through life quickly 'reacting' ...rather than taking a moment 'before' responding to try to give the speaker the benefit of the doubt that they are sincere and speaking sincerely.

I believe that out of kindness and respect for others that it is better to ask a person for clarity and what their intentions are.."Before" asuming the worst and lashing out with negativity. (treat others as you would like to be treated).

Our quick 'reactions' and response to others is going to be dependant on how we are feeling at the moment. If we have a history of NOT trusting.or are carrying anger and frustration around... we often tend to jump to quick conclusions based on negativity and our own lack of trust.due to those life experiences.

I think the world would be a better place if we all tried to practice expressing ourselves/communicating in a more effective way by listening with an open mind/without judging, asking for clarification, and responding with kindness and clarity.

I'm a really poor communicater when it comes to hot-topic items or confrontation to defend my own boundaries. I'm really learning much cause of my own search for peace.
I'm trying to practice what I preach. and learning how often I use..'lying' out of 'fear' of rejection or displeasing others. It's a journey.

October 5, 2007
11:23 am
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Shaney
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Hi there everyone -

"Besides, if we are kind to a troll, then they haven't been able to cause us to regret our actions."

EXACTLY!

No one will even know if we were in fact, the FOOLS who were taken by a fellow poster. But when all is said and done, I can live with being the fool if I felt that my intent was kind and respectful. Plus, it takes far more effort to be otherwise - this, I know from experience.

Oh well - love and hugs,

Shaney the junior SC

;o)

October 5, 2007
11:26 am
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bevdee
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:~)

October 5, 2007
11:43 am
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Shaney
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Hey bevdelicious ... funny stuff :o)

October 5, 2007
12:02 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I agree wholeheartedly with everything said here.

you see - I would rather be a "fool" with a big heart - then be the "skeptic" or "critic" that pushed someone hurting over the edge.

And we NEVER know which a person is - even in real life - sometimes it's hard to know.

Kind of goes back to the old saying "if you don't have something good to say, don't say it"...BUT...one of the things we learn here is TO SPEAK UP...but as long as we do it in a respectful way.

I think it's hard to be "respectful", yet call soemone a troll...so for me, it's just best to ask questions that try to clarify - and if i don't get the answers - just assume the poster is well meaning and hurting and do what I can do help - or just not give input at all.

I would rather not answer, than make a person feel worse by questioning their posts.

sometimes I am not always on the mark with my efforts, but most of the time I try.

October 5, 2007
1:07 pm
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on my way
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I think I missed all of this. I remember the name but not the content. oh well. :0)

October 6, 2007
11:33 pm
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Hi OMW- over on support side. The thread involves a poster named Eurogirl and it has a long title like "I know the secret why you all have messed up relationships" and there's one more thread she's on too. They're still towards the top.

free

October 6, 2007
11:45 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I enjoyed writing my sarcastic response to eurogirl but what did it do for me personally? Nothing. Did it affect her? Probably not. A better response would have been none. My therapist tells me that my husband's hostile actions are not about me, their about his insecurities. Next time I'll just leave eurogirl to her own insecurities. To me reaching out a helping hand to someone who is being rude is just building my codependency.

October 7, 2007
12:47 am
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free
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Hi Tiger-

Once a cop came to my house- I was divorced and my ex husband was about to go on trial for stalking and he was causing all kinds of doo-doo with the kids and my oldest child was having a fit. And I told the cop "ya know, sometimes I just don't know what to do." And this cop- the sweetest cop I think I've ever met said to me "then maybe it's best to do nothing."

It so stuck in my head.

To this day- that was years ago.

I really think an important life skill is to be able to not respond sometimes. As recovering codeps we're gonna want to, maybe need to, maybe be driven to, and we need to be able to just-

not.

One thing seems clear though- from what I see Destiny asserts herself in fairly non-aggressive ways and she's really ticked with this Eurogirl. Tells me there's something there.

I'm mostly watching this one now.

It's interesting.

free

October 7, 2007
11:07 am
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Tiger Trainer
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It interests me too. I lurk a lot around liberation brew because I like reading people like destiny and others. I usually post on the support side.

i like reading your ideas too, free. I've had cops at my house because my husband was stalking someone. Taht cop had a good idea. Even if it is someone you love, stay out of it.

October 13, 2007
7:38 am
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lewis
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Free - I love that Cop story - So True, I'm only just learning to do nothing myself!
Leave them to it, it's there business, even if it wounds me up inside, just smile and move forward.

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