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Tez-I have more weird questions
April 1, 2007
8:16 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Bev)))

April 1, 2007
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Hi Bevdee

Thanks for your soul searching post of 31-Mar-07.

What strikes me is the interconnectedness of so many psyches each interacting with and affecting each other. We are all by-products of an extremely complex interconnected web called humanity.

When you said, " My mind wants to assign blame, but I can't. I have been trying for almost a week. It just goes back and back and back, all the way up the family tree. I could even blame religion, but that too goes back and back and back, ..." it reminded me of the point at which I stopped blaming my parents for my fucked up life. What allowed me to finally let go of trying to find a 'scapegoat' was these realizations of mine:

1. I was not alone in having a fucked up family. Finding a family that wasn't fucked up, was much harder than finding one that was.

2. The 'buck passing' blame game I was playing of holding my parents, grandparents, etc, responsible for my mental and emotional state is a generational game that probably started with the neanderthals or earlier.

3. Seeking to blame anyone and everyone including myself is an insideous game based upon trying to free myself from the fear of being blamed by others important to me and therein my being shunned by my family support network.

I came to the realization that ultimately there is no one to blame with the exception of God. Were He to exist then the buck would have to stop there. No loving God exists because of the fact that fucked up humanity exists. The two are mutually exclusive.

This 'free will', 'sin', 'blame','divine judgement' bullshit is a power game played by those who would use religion to control others!! How 'free' are we to choose, who do not even know what makes ourselves tick?? That includes most of the human race, psychologists and psychiatrists included, with only a few 'masters' that might possibly be excluded.

Then you added:

"... and the men of the time molded that to conform to their wishes and needs."

Yes - they probably did. And the women went along with it or didn't to meet their own needs too. But I genuinely doubt that either the men or women were conscious of why they were doing what they were doing. Remember that men and women don't become who they are(were) in isolation from each other. We are all, both male and female, interlocked in this stuffed up dance; this power play of interacting to have our needs met largely in ignorance of the workings of our own psyches. We think that we know ourselves so well, yet most of us haven't an inkling of what lies below the veil of our consciousness. That is why the 80 year old Dr. Carl Jung described his life as a journey of self-discovery down a long ladder into a deep, dank, dark pit to find that little clod of earth that was himself in order to befriend it.

You then said:

"I'm in a loop."

What is this cognitive loop? Is it: "But if it's not their fault it must be mine. But how can it be my fault? But if it's not my fault it must be theirs. But if it's not their fault it must be mine. ... ... -> ad infinitum"?

The futile blame game!!!

Why not break the loop of futile thoughts like this and rest your mind in the harmony of your 'safe place'?

You then said:

"I have these memories that I have stored to take out and thumb through when I miss them. Now with this? What is to happen to my memories!"

Why does anything have "to happen to" your memories?

What will change over time and therapy is not your memories, but your interpretation of and attitude towards them. When both of these change then the triggering off of your negative emotions will stop. That is good for the quality of your life.

"And my mind can't wrap around any conclusion."

Why should it have to find a "conclusion" right here, right now? A conclusion that might let you off the hook? Why not let yourself off the hook right here, right now without the "conclusion"? Why not say to yourself and believe it with all your heart: "I don't have to solve anything right here, right now! I have the rest of my life to learn who it is that I am. I'll let my life unfold me like a beautiful rose bud caressed by the early morning sun."

(((BevDee)))

April 2, 2007
7:43 pm
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Tez

It's nice to hear from you. I missed your post of 03-31-07. Thank you for your interpretation of that quote- I don't know why it came to mind.

No one has called ever called me cheeky before!!

04-01-07 you said - "1. I was not alone in having a fucked up family. Finding a family that wasn't fucked up, was much harder than finding one that was." This is so true!! I was struck by this thought- From where do we all get the idea of a perfect family? And shame for imperfection? Television? Or the way families have of NOT airing their dirty laundry? Where did that idea come from, I wonder?

This - ""I'm in a loop."

What is this cognitive loop? Is it: "But if it's not their fault it must be mine. But how can it be my fault? But if it's not my fault it must be theirs. But if it's not their fault it must be mine. ... ... -> ad infinitum"? *

Because I was molested, I suppose- I have felt the need to vilify him. And if not for that, just for the pall he cast over every room he was ever in. Or blame Gramma, or Mom for covering for him. Not talking about what was really happening. THe dishonesty.

I've been thinking about this since I wrote it. I don't think that any of my kinfolk's problems are my fault. However, I will admit to recognizing feelings of guilt today. I have been trying to figure out why.

But today - I felt better than yesterday and felt better yesterday than I did the day before. I decided not to cast blame. Doing that just makes me angry. And I'm getting tired of being angry. It's wearing me down and beating me up. I had a good weekend on call- I was only called out once each day. I have decided to take all these small random cosmic favors and apply them to my wounds like a balm.

I went through this process. I'm sitting here trying to articulate to myself and write this. I just really didn't like my grampa. Especially as a teenager, he was such a stern, disapproving presence. Since Gramma and everyone in that house just catered to him, it was just an onerous choreto me to be there at that house. Conversation was limited, because of the restrictions of religion. I mean they expected us to sing hymns. Boring and hypocritical, IMO. Oh and you are not gonna beleive how they gossiped!! They told the gossipy shit while they were praying- taking it to the Lord in Prayer! *Lord please show Mrs. So and So the error of her adulterous ways, running around on her hardworking husband with that Such and Such boy.*

And I was always afraid to say the wrong thing and get verbally reamed or physically slapped for it afterward. So-I tried to get out of going. Once I had my own car, I drove myself and made excuses to leave before everyone else. Pretty soon, my sister figured out what I was doing, and she was right there with me. My mom really laid the guilt on us for this. "Your grandparents really love you, they want to spend time with you" Yeah? They hardly talk to us. On and on.

So. Because I was not comfortable around my grampa, or my gramma when she was with him, and tried to avoid being around them, my mother tried (and succeeded) to make me feel guilty. She held me by the short hairs with her disapproval. I have felt this guilt for 30some years now.

So that brings me to this, I suppose. "3. Seeking to blame anyone and everyone including myself is an insideous game based upon trying to free myself from the fear of being blamed by others important to me and therein my being shunned by my family support network."

I never actually thought about all this and put it all together. I have been blaming myself for not liking Grampa, not acting like the rest of the family, not conforming, and when I finally put my suspicions together, I had this reflex to shift the blame I would think about all of them, and feel the twinge of guilt, anger, then push it away. And go about my business. YOur feedback really helped me with this.

Here is what I did while driving/working today. To try to start freeing myself from guilt. Out loud (because I can - I'm alone in the car) I said "I didn't like Grampa. I didn't like Grampa. I didn't like Grampa. I didn't like Grampa." I said it all day long. Once, I had a two-way conversation and *played* me and my mother. Me- as my mother said all the old things she used to say, and I calmly said each time, *I didn't like Grampa, even before I had suspicions about him. I calmly told her all the reasons- then I *made* her go away. I actually made a shooing gesture with my hand. I know this sounds silly, but it really helped me to be ok with the fact that I didn't like my Grampa.

Here's another thing? As I listed the reasons I didn't like Grampa, I realized how very similar my neighbor friend's sex offender husband was to my Grampa. Both depressed, possibly bipolar. Food for later thought.

You say -"I came to the realization that ultimately there is no one to blame with the exception of God. Were He to exist then the buck would have to stop there. No loving God exists because of the fact that fucked up humanity exists. The two are mutually exclusive." Ah Tez, this is a whole nother essay, but I am going to have to wait a while on that one. Knowing you, there is probably one of yours in the archives here that says it all anyway!! I will say that I believe so much of humanity is fucked up because of the pervasive belief in that loving god. The duality, dichotomy, double talkin.

I really appreciate this -"Why not say to yourself and believe it with all your heart: "I don't have to solve anything right here, right now! I have the rest of my life to learn who it is that I am. I'll let my life unfold me like a beautiful rose bud caressed by the early morning sun."" So today I accept that I didn't like my Grampa and that's ok. It's not "good" or "bad". It just is.

I knew I fell in love with you for a good reason. ;;)

Bevdee

April 3, 2007
8:05 am
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Bevdee,

You're doing such deep thinking girl. Thats good. As painful as that is, its good in the long run.

It seems that once again we find another familiar link. My BPD mother also was doing a kid. She first started with me (female), then moved on to a little 13 yr old boy in the neighborhood. This thing with tbe boy lasted off and on for many yrs. In fact, at her funeral there were flowers from him, a 40something yr old man by then, that said "Ive always loved you". I wanted to scream "HA!! Told you my mother was fucking a child!!" No one believed me. In fact, I'm still not so sure they believe anything.

There are so many family secrets that I hold about my mother. At times I wish I could write a book about them and open my blind families eyes. But then again, I suspect they would choose to not believe it, even then. After all, I am "the family liar". I "lied" about my uncle, the church deacon, who molested me for 5 yrs. I "lied" about my mother the sunday school teacher who beat me regularly and even tried to hold me down so her young boy toy could rape me. (well actually no one in the family knows that last part. I'd love to see their face though when I tell them someday. But why waste my time? I havent been invited to their houses for 20++ yrs bc of all of this. The last time I heard or saw my family was 4 yrs ago this week, at gma funeral.).

I'm just the "sick little liar, a child of an dead alcholic father" who needed attention. yea right, fuck them all.

Oddly enough, I have found great comfort in my religion. Instead of turning away from God, I turned toward Him and am glad that I did. I did seek answers, I did have questions, but those things are resolved now and much healing has taken place. And bc of my healing, I am able to move on and help others in ways that I would never be able to do, had I not healed and reconciled my questions, and anger at God.

Anyway, mom has been dead now for 4 1/2 yrs. I was devasted, strangely enough. For yrs I told myself I wouldnt shed a tear over the woman. But for 4 1/2 yrs, I havent stopped crying over her, or wanting her, missing her, needing her to love me and approve of me. The last time I had any contact with my mother was in May 2002, before she died suddenly of a heart attack. It was mothers day and I had made arrangements to drive the 150 miles to go see her and take her a gift (the gift that was going to make my mother love me-whatever).

We were going to go out to eat and she was to open this beautiful shirt.. a Jacquline Smith brand from K-mart, one we couldnt afford but often dreamed of being able to buy someday.

Anyway, I arrive at moms house, only to find a note on the door "Im not home. leave the gift. thanks".

I was devasted and in tears the whole way home. That was the last time we had any contact. We never called each other. We never wrote. That note was it. She died in Aug. , 3 mos later.

I guess you could say she fucked me good, rejected me til the very end. Why? I suspect she was mentally ill, hearing voices, but I dont know that for a fact, bc god forbid anyone in my family go to counseling. She was never diagnosed but I have talked to a couple of therapist and even a forensic psychologist who said she probably was since she would wake me in the middle of the nite for yrs, and tell me she was going to kill me when I least expected it. Needless to say I was afraid of her even when she was in her coffin, and literally never turned my back on her body. Of course the rest of the family doesnt know this either and would once again call me a sick liar. They can all go to hell too.

I know I didnt do anything wrong, except being born into a family of sick dysfunctional ways which went on for generations, just as yours did. Innocent bystanders are we!
And I guess my ultimate fuck you to my family was to become someone. To get an education and career. To get a good man, who I have been happy with for 19 yrs of marriage. And oddly enough, to NOT have any children to pass this sick mess down to. Yup, I am 40 and have always known even since high school that I would never bring another child into this sick fucked up family of mine. And I have no regrets.

We rule bevdee. 🙂 We're the healthy ones. Dont give up the fight. Face the memories and fight. You'll be glad you did. I know I did. It made me stronger. Wiser. Happier. and FREE!

thewall

April 3, 2007
8:46 am
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Miss Wall??

Hey it's good to see you! I was thinking about you the other day - in my driving/musing. Wondering about you!

You know? It seems to be a common THING, behaviour? for people- those I know, and some I have just observed -to label a truth- an idea - a concept that they for whatever reason cannot deal with at that time - as a lie.

All these phrases come to mind.

Oh that can't be true

I can't believe that.

I refuse to believe that.

And I am inclined to believe that the truth is so horrible to folks - they won't accept what is in front of their faces. To accept it, to acknowledge it, would require action of some kind and in a family that would require change, and that is more terrifying than anything. At least to my family. They are still sitting around reminiscing by telling what they consider flattering stories about the old man.

That counseling - it always confused me that my mother has her Bachelor's in Ed, but her Masters in Psych. Specifically Child Psych. I could never figure this out. She really jacked her kids around, but she worked at a counseling center for a while doing play therapy. I'm still trying to figure out her fascination with and misuse of psychology.

And counseling for herself outside the home- she never did that for long! She went to the family church's minister for counseling and fell in love with and started sleeping with him. She married him when I was 14 and they are still married. She married a man her father's age, her minister and counselor. And he's short, too. After they married, it was years before she saw a mental health professional. It was a psychiatrist, though, because "he will prescribe meds".

"I'm just the "sick little liar, a child of an dead alcholic father" who needed attention. yea right, fuck them all." I got - "Oh *Bevdee*, how far will you let your jealousy take you. For shame".

She's still calling, and when I answer, I go out the front door and ring the doorbell, or walk next door so she can hear my neighbor talking. My neighbor and I have that worked out. I can't figure out if I'm slowly weaning away, or just being a coward.

And as for secrets? And a book? Since I am pasting all my posts to Tez for my therapist, and saving them to a disc, I decided to save it for my nieces. Since my sister is so much like my mother, and those poor little (grown-up now) girls are having such a hard time, at least they will have one person in the family who will talk to them. Who will at least consider another version of *truth*. When they're ready, and when they ask.

Good to hear from you, you sassy lady.

April 3, 2007
10:49 am
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Bevdee,

"sassy lady" 🙂 I like that. lol. I can be a lil on the spunky ornery side at times, but thats the fun me trying to come out. Usually I am reserved, conservative, blah blah blah.

It seems we have the same mother and family. My mother married my dad, who was only 4 yrs younger than my gpa. Both dad and gpa served in WWII. Didnt go over well, to say the least. Gpa locked her out of the house and my aunts had to hand mom her clothes out the window. Ahh, the life of a dysfunctional family in the mountains of the south.

Eventually they came to like dad bc I was born and they wanted to see me, their very first grandchild and niece. I guess I did something right out of all of this. Mom told me she got pregnant with me so that dad would stop drinking. I failed miserably at that. Ive lived my life trying to redeem and prove myself ever since. Yes, I know, she was a dumb ass for ever believing a baby could stop a man from drinking. Hell, I dont have kids but even I know that a baby could DRIVE a man to drink, not stop him.

Oh well, anyway. Its good to hear from you too. I'm still around, still trying to survive Indiana weather. Palm Beach Florida in June wont come soon enough!

keep at it you wild woman you!

hugs,
thewall

April 6, 2007
12:43 am
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Hey Tez-

I have this update. I saw the Casinoman last Saturday. And today. This is just weird. I posted about my grampa on 3-31, but that took me about 3 days to get all my thoughts together. I was very upset and had that familiar nausea. It took me a few days to work through this enough not to feel sick. Finally after sending that post, and getting feedback, I was able to sleep through the night. I have remembered no dreams.

I have been avoiding the travel plaza/casino on Fridays because I know that he will be there as soon as he gets off work and cashes his check. 5 o'clock. As a general precaution, I have taken to going up on Saturday mornings to buy my cigs.

So- like I have every Saturday for months, I eat breakfast and head up there. When I was pulling into the plaza, I saw him behind me. He saw me and honked. I got out of the car and talked to him for a few minutes. He asked me why I hadn't called him back or responded to his Ims. I told him I didn't because I am involved with someone else. (He knows this because I have told him before) He didn't try to get all smooth, he didn't try to kiss me or grab me or get me flustered. We both just kind of looked at each other. I kept looking and waiting for the feeling to come to me. I did not feel the jittery nervousness that I always felt in the past. We went inside to buy our cigarettes, and I asked him how the kids were, how his job was- we made small talk while we stood in line. He said, "Well you look great, that guy must be treating you pretty good?" I only nodded at this, and told him I needed to get back home. He walked me to my car, and before I opened the door he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "It's good to see you"

As I drove home, I kind of marveled that I didn't feel all sweaty and horny and wild like I always did when I had seen him in the past. I mean, he touched me!! And it was morning- my time!! And that's all it took before. Just looking at him or touching. I kept thinking of that dream I had of him and the dead wife. Maybe there is just too much else going on with me emotionally. I don't know.

Today, I had to go back up there (to C-man's town) to the Health Clinic, and when I walked in, he was sitting in the waiting room! This has also never happened. When he saw me, his head snapped around in a double take. I looked at him and said, "Well *C-man* you are just gonna have to quit following me all over the county!" He just kind of laughed and looked at me. We sat and made silly small talk while we waited for the pharmacist to refill our scrips. When we had our scrips, he again walked me to my car and told me I even look good in my work scrubs. What a sweet talker. Then he told me that he had been dreaming about me in the past week.

I, on the other hand, have slept like a rock. A couple of weeks ago, I took this huge leap and told Niceman why I like him. Please don't laugh, this is huge for me. It did not terrify him. It did not scare him off. You know what he said? "Well thanks *Bevdee* I know how hard that is for you" Then he laughed and kissed me. So-that went well, but I still have this feeling that he is trying to gentle a skittish horse!

On the way home from the clinic, I puzzled over my lack of feeling about Casinoman. I noticed how much gray has come in his hair since I met him. He's got some wrinkles and looks just careworn. He doesn't look as good as I always thought he did. I don't know if this is because he is aging or stressed, or simply because I am able to see him more clearly than I did before. I mean, my vision wasn't blurred this time.

I felt a little sad, Tez!! Sad that that feeling has faded. Sad that his touch didn't just inflame me. It was such a cherished fantasy that I had, and I just feel kind of sad. It's very odd. I suppose I am grieving the loss of something - my fantasy?

By the way, I have undertaken the very ornerous task of printing all my long-winded posts (and some of yours). So far, I have almost finished Science ... and I have already used two black ink cartridges!! My next appointment is next Tuesday.

What's up with you?

April 6, 2007
6:03 pm
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G'day Bevdee

It's good to see things falling into place for you.

Your response to casinoman is understandable. The rose colored glasses are off now. That's how it is with Ms. Sneaky and I. I see her physical and psychological faults very clearly now. It's as if the inner child has realized that this person was not mummy and feels sad about both that fact and the realization that mum will never be coming back. So the sadness lingers for a while. But that sadness is nothing compared to the intense pain of pining for the person and not allowing yourself to be with them. I still get horny if I indulge in fantasizing about the pigf**kin' that we did.

I'll most likely run into Ms. Sneaky at tonight and tomorrow night's dance. She still watches me like a hawk and beams if I acknowledge her. It's sad that what she wants can never be - its far too painful for both of us. She doesn't realize this though. That lack of understanding of the nature of her attraction is at the core of her problem. She thinks that I never gave us a chance to 'make it work' - hmmmmm!

All the best with your coming therapy visit. It's all up and up from here on for you.

April 8, 2007
8:24 pm
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Tez

It's always good to hear from you. Rose colored glasses - that's a nice way to say it!! I know how stubborn my "love" or "lust" can be. My fantasy. I've given this some thought, and, although I am not aware of when I believe this slow turning from the fantasy also coincides with the efforts I have made in regards to my mother - all since Xmas. The no contact with my mother that I have worked so hard to achieve. I've done really well- when I do take her calls I don't respond in the way I know she expects. She has just sort of faded away.

So- it is interesting that C-man claims to have had dreams about me- but I don't believe he really deserves too much more airtime in my head. When he told me that he was dreaming about me, I only felt some wonder - not the cool joy I would have 6 months ago. Writing all that out really did help!!

I have another appointment Tuesday (unless they cancel), and I am not dreading or fearing it. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I hand her all the printed posts from here!!

Talk to you later -

April 10, 2007
6:44 pm
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Bevdee

As I write this it is 8.36 a.m. 11th April 2007 on Wednesday morning Eastern Standard Time which is Greenwich Mean Time + 10 hours.

I know that your time is GMT - 8 hours which makes you around 18 hours behind us here in Australia.

So now as I write, it must be 2.36 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon on the 10th April 2007.

So I guess that you are at your therapy session by now.

When you read this you will have probably just had your therapy session.

How did it go?

April 10, 2007
7:48 pm
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"When you read this you will have probably just had your therapy session. "

Yes- and supper. I will post more in a little bit. It is 6:47 CST. (Central)

April 10, 2007
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Tez

You're so sweet!! The session went well, although I was 15 minutes late. The company I work for had to install a GPS tracking device on the car I drive! Mercifulgod- I feel like a chick on house arrest with one of those ankle thingers.

I had decided to just follow her lead today. She asked me a lot of follow up questions from the things I had told her last time- asked me what I was doing to relax, if I was sleeping better and if my supervisor had backed off a little. (This was causing me a lot of stress 3 weeks ago) She asked if I came home to an empty house, and I told her about the 4 dogs- that basically allow me to live here, because they don't have opposable thumbs and need someone to pour the dogfood in the bowl. I also told her that I have my next door neighbor - if I get lonely and need someone to talk to.

I feel that I communicated better this time because I was not just blubbering.

At the end of the session I told her about this site, and about your suggestion that I print our conversations for her to read. I thought she looked surprised and pleased, hers is a hard face to read . She told me "yes, if you are willing to share it, I would be happy to." I warned her that I have a lot to say, I am very wordy, and many of them pertained to sex, and she didn't seem to mind.

I did not take any of the printed material to her because I wanted to ask first, so I will take it to her two weeks from Fri, when I have my next appt. She may regret it - or we may never see her again, a short woman buried under all that paper!

Here is something interesting and I did not share it with her yet, because we haven't really
started. My mother called last night to talk about my sister -and afterward, I didn't feel like I typically have. I usually feel sad, angry, betrayed. The conversation ran true to form. She called to tell me my sister had moved out of the house and back to the town where her daughters and boyfriend are. She talked for 30 minutes about it. I have learned that trying to talk about myself is a good way to get my mother to hang up, so this time when I tried this, she interrupted me and said, "She doesn't have it" I asked her -"what?" and she said "Morgellon's" She is talking about the parasites my sister claimed to have - that just freaked me out at Xmas. The lie they all upheld and then shamed and ostracized me for my reaction to the parasites and the lie. All I said to her was "good" I'm pleased with my reaction to the conversation. I seem to be losing the searing pain that I have felt all my life. This must be acceptance. I hope so!

Ok - this time difference - it is 7:45 PM CST- and I looked on this http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/ and it says it is 10:45 AM in Brisbane. I have always wondered about that!! I'm in the same time zone as St. Louis and Dallas. FYI.

It's always nice to talk to you.

April 11, 2007
7:28 pm
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bevdee

On the 10-Apr-07 you said:

"I'm pleased with my reaction to the conversation. I seem to be losing the searing pain that I have felt all my life. This must be acceptance. I hope so!"

I imagine the searing pain that you felt in the past was the terrible pain of abandonment felt as a child retriggered off in you as an adult every time you sensed your mother's disregard for your needs in preference for meeting the needs of your sister's.

As you are becoming more and more of a mother to your own 'inner little girl' and paying more attention to her than you have in the past, perhaps she is more contented and no longer is triggered off now into feeling rejected, unwanted and unloved.

In the past I've often wondered what the phrase 'emotional maturity' means. Now I think it means 'having developed the self-parenting skills to make our own inner child feel secure, needed, wanted and loved. With such developed parenting skills we are then able to 'parent' the 'inner children' of others in very appropriate ways. I think this is the real meaning of the word 'love'.

April 13, 2007
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Hey Tez,

I was lying in bed last night, and I had this little realisation. Actually, I think it might be big. I am going to sleep lying on my back again. I haven't done this since I lived sith Luc- so 15 years? I slept with my back to him- curled on my side. After I left him, I continued to fall asleep on my side in a fetal position. For the last 3 weeks, I have not been comfortable sleeping like that. I can't breathe as deeply. I'm sleeping alot better.

When I thought of this last night, lying there - on my back- I almost jumped up, logged on and posted to you, but I decided to just go on to sleep!

Anyway, I believe there is a connection with all that I have been going through and coming out of that fetal position. Interesting that my sleep posture is changing.

How have you been?

April 14, 2007
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bevdee

On the 13-Apr-07 you said:

"... I believe there is a connection with all that I have been going through and coming out of that fetal position."

Your 'inner child' might be going to sleep now - therein freeing you to live as an adult. I see at least three frames of reference from which we, who are less than ideally parented as infants, may be operating.

1. We can become our 'inner child' and live in a constantly aroused emotional state of the abandoned child continually looking for its mother's(father's) love. We usually seek this from inappropriate sexual partners.

2. As incompetent 'self-parents', we live in a state of enslavement to our 'inner child' always trying to meet 'its' needs in mostly inappropriate ways therein only increasing 'its' demands because of the emotional harm's way in which we continually put ourselves; e.g. allowing ourselves to get into inappropriate sexual partners as demanded by the inner child.

3. As competent 'self-parents', we make appropriate choices in how best to serve our 'innerchild's' needs - but not always 'its wants'. After a period of time the 'inner child' learns to trust us and feeling secure drifts off into a deep sleep, rarely, if ever, awakening.

With frame of reference # 3, we can live relatively happy, contented lives. We are free to sleep on our backs or any other way we choose. We do not of necessity have to choose the foetal position of security.

It sounds to me like you are making great inroads into having a frame of reference like my # 3 above. Your responses to Casinoman the other day confirm this belief of mine that you are nurturing yourself so well that he did not trigger off your 'inner child' into an overpowering demand for sex with him. Getting your needs appropriately met by the 'niceman' might be a big help too.

All the best with your therapy. It will be interesting to see how much it helps you.

April 16, 2007
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Hey Tez

How's it goin? I have been feeling pretty good. I have ups and downs- an episode on Dr Phil got to me last week, but I am working through it. I guess it's just gonna be like that for me.

I haven't started back to school yet- I would like to say that the cosmos in conspiring against me, because some things have happened to cause me to delay enrolling for my last semester. But it's really because of the choices I have made. My cousin is here with me. About 7 weeks ago, he called and asked me to come get him because he was sick. He has the beginnings of liver cirrhosis, and had swollen up horribly with ascites. In the last few years, since we have not been together, he has apparently been drinking quite heavily. He has always drank beer, though not much when he lived with me. He had been living with a woman who drinks more than him. He's a beer guy, and she likes vodka. It's my opinion that this vodka pushed him early into the inevitable. He had put on 70lbs- of fluid. I finally talked him into going to the ER- he couldn't even drive a car. He kept putting it off, telling me every day for three weeks- tomorrow. Finally, I had to threaten to take him back home, and he said, "I don't want one a them catheters!" I know my mouth fell open, and I finally said "Ya mama had 3 kids!"

Well, I got him to the ER, and since, he has quit drinking (for now?)- even beer, and with the diuretic the doctor gave him, has lost the 70lbs + 10 more. He lost it fast, and this took a toll on him, he is very weak, so he is going to stay awhile longer while he builds up his strength- mowing my lawn, fixing some plumbing, a golf cart, my fuel injector on the Stang and anything else I can think of. He tires very easily, but the dr. told him to get bedrest until he used up the scrip for the diuretic. Yesterday was the last day of the diuretic! He is very quiet when he's not drinking, and I'm a lot quieter than I used to be, so most nights it is pleasant here in this little house.

I have questioned myself at length about this. Is this enabling? Am I assuming responsibility that is not mine to assume. I finally decided that it isn't enabling because he's not drinking, and it's not my responsibility but a choice that I made - not even because he is family, but because of the love between us and how that helped me to grow. In many ways it catapulted me out of depression. And he always spurred me on to think. He encouraged me to go after the specialized training in imaging, and helped me (sometimes forced me) to study for the advanced registries I took and passed. Sometimes he goaded me into standing up for myself. He's a friend.

But, it is crowded in this small house and some nights I feel like screaming. There is no sexual pull between us anymore, and we are companionable, but my niceman is working so much overtime, and I have been working a lot of extra hours. I am this close to getting over another financial hump, and I have gotten impatient to get it done, so I have agreed to work the next 4 weekends at a prn job I have. The niceman's grown children still live at his place, and his daughter and her family live in the main house with him.When both of us are free, I'm not going to have him come here with my cousin sitting in the recliner. Now - if we are able to get together, it has to be at a motel. How ironic is that? SINCE he got a divorce, we go to a motel.

However, this does not bother me as much as it would have 9 months ago. I still talk to him often enough, and see him about once a week. He has taken to springing little surprises at me, meeting me when I don't expect it - and I like that. I am more spontaneous than I used to be.

I have been telling him about my life, bit by bit. He knows I have an insane mother, sweet fanatic daddy, and an addict sister. He now knows that I was "an abused woman", and I told him that I was molested by the b-sitter and that I started seeing a therapist. He didn't recoil in horror and he hasn't tried to take advantage of me, like I feared he would. He didn't make any judgments about me that I can tell. Of course he doesn't know all of it, but I am starting to trust him and myself more. My worst fears are not being realized.

I have learned that his mother is a lot like mine. She is a major drama queen and he left her home when he was 18 to go in the service. When he got out of the service, he married a woman very much like his mother, and moved across the country from her. He has a brother that is an addict and is in prison, and when I talk about my sister he gets a little agitated(now I know why), but tells me what I know- that there is nothing I can do for her.

I decided to tell him all the "secrets" I feared, and if he rejected me, then that would be ok, because I lived without him for a little over 6 months. My fear was still there, but I kind of jumped over it, and took the chance.

What I have noticed about myself is that since I have been telling him these *things*, and nothing dire happened, is that I have relaxed. I don't have the fear I had at losing him. I don't have the fear that I had that I would slip up and show the real me, and scare him away. So that desire- the longing for the pigf**in isn't there as often. I woke up the other morning in a diaphoretic sweat, a dreadful panic, so of course I was horny, and I thought for a while how nice it would be to have him there! I didn't think of the Casinoman. Very puzzling. I thought of him later- like "hey! Where was C-man in that fantasy!"

I have more thoughts, but less time, so I will talk to you later, after the thoughts and time come together.

Good to talk to you.

April 17, 2007
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BevDee.

You said:

"What I have noticed about myself is that since I have been telling him these *things*, and nothing dire happened, is that I have relaxed. I don't have the fear I had at losing him."

Any guy that would reject you after getting together with you as often as you have with 'Nice man' just because of your past experiences, would not be worth having. Such a guy would have to be absolutely shallow and full of himself. From what you've told me of Mr. Niceman he doesn't seem to me to be shallow or full of himself at all. After learning all there is to know of your past, I doubt that he would alter his opinion of you one iota. If he did change his opinion of you it would only be to increase your standing in his eyes.

My partner Joy's past has been very traumatic and would probably be considered somewhat 'sordid' by shallow people's standards. Joy's past has only made her very faithful, very grateful for what she now has, more caring, more down to earth and less materialistic; all attributes that I admire very much in her.

From this perspective, I think I can probably say that our pasts have made us better people too. Am I correct?

In this regard, from what I know of him, why should Mr. Nice Man think otherwise than I do? In fact I doubt that he would think much about your past other than as a frame of reference in understanding your behavior at times when misunderstandings arise.

Catch you later.

April 18, 2007
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Tez

Good to hear from you. You say - "From this perspective, I think I can probably say that our pasts have made us better people too. Am I correct?" Yes, I believe this, too.

And thank you for reminding me that - "Any guy that would reject you after getting together with you as often as you have with 'Nice man' just because of your past experiences, would not be worth having."

I knew this. It wasn't long after I met him that I knew that he was not a shallow or self-centered person, but it was about overcoming my fear. Overcoming this reticence I have about sharing myself. Being honest about myself. This hardwired shame. Last fall when the ex came back, I was just at a point where I thought I was ready to start expressing more of myself. Since we started seeing each other again, I have been a little cautious.

I have read some and thought a lot about the mind being a computer. At birth how was I programmed? Ten years ago, I was "programmed" differently than I was a year ago. Because my mind is constantly processing new info, a year ago I was "programmed" a certain way.

In the past year, I have worked very hard to change my way of thinking, self-destructive, soul-killing thought patterns - this "programming", but it's really not as easy to do with a human as it is with an actual computer. I can't replace the software, I can only add new information. I can reject some of it, but it sure isn't as easy as entering or clicking a command. I can't delete what is hardwired. My diabetes affects my "hardware", I believe. My hardware is less objective because of the physiology of my glucose levels. And probably because of the trauma I have experienced.

I have noted the similarities of trying to put too much info into a computer and trying to assimilate too much information myself. I have noticed myself getting in a hurry, trying to assimilate too much information at once, and my little (computer) mind locks up. Like when I click the mouse on my computer too fast (I'm a mad clicker and have locked up many an actual computer!!)

I wonder if contact with these people toxic to me ... gives my software a virus? And I wonder if defragging is possible? Hmmm.

I wonder if the telepathy Casinoman and I share(d) is some sort of networking similar to those that actual computers share? Worldwide(telepathyperv)web? I wonder I wonder I wonder. Sorry for the rambling, Tez.

I'm still kind of nervous about letting the therapist comb and see what is in my hard drive.

I had a bad dream last night. I woke up feeling scared. In the dream I was at a house stuck in a snowstorm with a couple I did not know. In the way dreams are, I didn't know how I got there, or why I was with them. In the way dreams are, I was in a hallway, and passing by a bedroom with the door wide open, and saw them getting busy. The man was leaning against the headboard, the woman was giving him oral sex and he was looking over her head at me. I hurried down the hall to go into the kitchen. A few minutes later he came into the kitchen naked, and said, "You’re gonna play, too." He was holding a flyswatter! And tapping it against his leg. And stroking himself. That's when I woke up. My little tiny dog was on the floor beside my bed, crying to get up, because the bed is too high for him to jump onto, and when I tried to pick him up, he bit me!! Every time I think of the dream today, I want to cry.

I can't figure out why this makes me so afraid? Trapped in a situation I don't want to be in? I can't think of a similar situation in my present life that I feel trapped in, certainly nothing like this. I've never done a threesome, never wanted to, and the subject has never come up between Niceman and me. So it's not currently an issue. I can't figure it out and this frustrates me. And the fear I felt at this dream has caused arousal- all day, and now I'm frustrated for several reasons and it is all just pissing me off!

What have you been up to?

Bevdee

April 18, 2007
8:18 pm
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Bevdee

On the 18-Apr-07

"I can't figure out why this makes me so afraid? Trapped in a situation I don't want to be in? I can't think of a similar situation in my present life that I feel trapped in, certainly nothing like this."

My unconscious is unaware of the passage of time. Right now I often have dreams wherein I'm back in the Air Force in my hut, my room's a mess, I've got only a dirty uniform to wear, and it's only a few minutes to barracks inspection. All the other guys are mustering on the parade ground for the COs parade and I'm frantically trying to find my shoes. Now I got out of the RAAF in 1968!!! These dreams always have a common theme - fear of authority and being caught totally culpable of not doing the 'right thing'. Despite making huge progress cognitively, this kind of irrational fear of authority has always pervaded my life.

The amygdala, the source of all fears, once conditioned is programmed for life - set in concrete. This is not to say that we cannot learn to deal with our emotional responses in very appropriate ways making our lives far better. But we are learning cognitive techniques to deal with emotional eruptions.

Now to the point of that bit of theorizing. In our dreams we can create scenarios such as my parade ground fear of a powerful authority in an unprepared situation and your fear of being overpowered by a sexually predatory male(or female - the baby sitter) and forced to perform or undergo sexual acts against your will. Both of our amygdalas have been programmed to be triggered off by any thoughts, perceptions etc of overly demanding authority figures such as your mom, dad, the baby sitter,Luc, my mum, dad, air force officers, arrogant bosses, police etc.

This is not under our rational control to the extent that once we find out what's amiss we can wipe the slate clean and never have another retriggered fear arousal of this kind. This is why wild animals no matter how tame they might seem, nor well fed and smothered with kindness they are by their keepers, can and do unpredictably revert to their wild state and kill their human benefactors. We are animals too. Make no mistake about that. Our brains are so close to rats and monkeys that neuroscientists use these live animals in their neurological experiments.

Getting back to your dream, it is not an easy task to find the 'trigger' in your present day life that has set off the emotions underpinning it.

You followed with:

"I've never done a threesome, never wanted to, and the subject has never come up between Niceman and me. So it's not currently an issue. I can't figure it out and this frustrates me."

The trigger for your dreams could be telepathic signals from either Luc or Casinoman or both.

Or the trigger could be either your bosses or your study demands that have triggered off the fabrication of this dream. Even though your dream had a highly sexual theme, I would not put all the emphasis on your sexual desires as underpinning the trigger of your emotions. To do so would be the same as my thinking that the trigger for my dreams is my fear being called up into the Royal Australian Air Force unprepared, which of course is rediculous at my age and can not possibly happen. As I said before, the unconscious doesn't often have a time or a particular person reference when it creates scenarios - in my experiences.

And you said:

"And the fear I felt at this dream has caused arousal- all day, and now I'm frustrated for several reasons and it is all just pissing me off!"

I've learnt to only receive love from a woman in the sexual act. That was conditioned into me by the absence of my mother's love and the first love received in the sexual act. Even today, if a buddy does me a good turn I have to try to force payment upon him or return the favor some other way. Thus it is obvious to me that when I want love I become horny.

I was watching a documentary about this company who makes life like women with vaginas, anuses, boobs, mouthes etc so life like that it is hard to tell that they are not human. They have skin that feels real, joints that allow real lifelike postures to be formed. If a guy was screwing one of these manniquins, apart from the lack of movement, I doubt that he would know the difference. These artificial 'women' cost an arm and a leg. The price ranges from $10,000 to $200,000 USD depending upon the work required to make the woman fit the specs. Even the 'pubs' are so real. The documentary showed a guy who fell in love with his artificial woman completely! I thought about this and I see that we do project our image of a partner into that partner and then fool ourselves that we are seeing the real person - just as this poor deluded doll owner does.

As technology advances, I can easily imagine guys living alone and choosing their 'artificial' woman when they want just plain raunchy sex when and how they want it and then choosing to visit with their 'real' woman when they want love. Only their projections would change.

But what are these projections really all about? They might differ for women - but I suspect that underlying the differences there is a strong commonality!

You asked:

"What have you been up to?"

Not a lot. I've been dancing a lot. But because of Ms. Sneaky's avoidance of the dances that I'm at, I've settled down a lot in that department. My business demands have slowed right down - not that I care much about that. I'm ready to pull the pin in that arena any old time.

I've been developing a software application using Visual Basic that allows dance musicians to easily run dances using a laptop connected to their power Amp/Mixer and speaker system. The application facilitates easy single point control over dance music tempo/volume/panning/music selection/dance programming etc. It eliminates the need to manipulate CDs, finding the right tracks to play, carrying CDs and a player. It is dead simple to use under the stress of dance management, eliminating humiliating mistakes such as putting the wrong tempo music on for the dance style to be done. I've finished Version 1.01 and my buddy who runs the local dances is over the moon with it. He tells me that the nearest software to what mine does costs $850 AUD and then it won't run on Vista. He wants to market it but I don't believe that there is a market for such a specialized bit of software. I developed it for him because he wants to simplify his gigs. That task is out of the way now.

I'll catch you later Bev.

April 21, 2007
7:12 pm
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Tez

Hey- how's it going? Thanks for this response-

"Or the trigger could be either your bosses or your study demands that have triggered off the fabrication of this dream."

I have really had to think about this. Since I shared my journaling with you about the B-sitter, my resulting sexuality, my suspicions about my grampa - basically since I have come forth publicly (in a way) with my personal and inherited feelings of "shame" and was not rebuked, was in fact supported by you and others on this site, I have felt great. Since I have been to the therapist and she seems ok, I have felt wonderful.

Then you say- "The amygdala, the source of all fears, once conditioned is programmed for life - set in concrete. This is not to say that we cannot learn to deal with our emotional responses in very appropriate ways making our lives far better. But we are learning cognitive techniques to deal with emotional eruptions."

I know this too. Damn! I was kind of hoping the good feeling I had been having was going to allow me to coast! I guess not. 🙁

"Even though your dream had a highly sexual theme, I would not put all the emphasis on your sexual desires as underpinning the trigger of your emotions."

Thank you for saying this- I was kind of alarmed, imagining (fearing) that I am going to be plagued with frightening flyswatter dreams for the rest of my life. I have spent a few days pondering the significance of this dream, and I can't figure it out. SO- I am just going to let it go. I can't know everything at once.

I can figure out why I am feeling pressured lately. The situation with my boss is not ever going to get better. She tells me she is OCD, and when her meds wear off at 2 PM, she feels "frazzled". I have not researched that- but what I do know is that she is mean (even in the morning) when she feels challenged in any way, and I am not one to let myself get run over. In fact, I am mean when I feel that I am being dumped on and I get twice the work and drive at least twice the miles she does. I am expected to do all the office paperwork (busywork), too. Another exercise in humility and patience for me. With all these miles to drive every day, I have had plenty of opportunity to feel my feelings, observe them, and practice cognitive techniques to deal with them. Every day. It's kind of wearing me out. Because I tend to feel that I am a victim, I have really questioned myself about this. I know the tech who had my position before I did and when I recently talked to him, he said, "Oh hell yeah, - she's the reason I transferred" !! I'm the 4th person in 3 years in this position- under her supervision. It's not me.

I applied for another job, but it will probably be another 3 weeks before I hear anything. The wheels in larger corporations turn slowly.

Now - 'As technology advances, I can easily imagine guys living alone and choosing their 'artificial' woman when they want just plain raunchy sex when and how they want it and then choosing to visit with their 'real' woman when they want love. Only their projections would change. " Isn't this what men did in the past (and maybe the present)... With prostitutes? Because a *lady* could not be raunchy?

But, I'm skeptical - what kind of guys would be content with that? I believe a lot of men want children. And I believe there are still men want someone to cook for them, even in this day and age where gender roles are less rigid.

Thanks for telling me what you have been up to. Tez! you amaze me. It seems that you keep busy even when there is no *pressing* business to attend to. All that programming! I can barely program my cellphone! I am glad to hear that Ms Sneaky is giving it a break. It must be mentally and emotionally exhausting for her to do what she does.

It's really getting warm where I am in Texas. Today it is 77degrees- and I have been sitting out on the porch a lot today. Summer is not far off for me!

Thanks for your response.

April 24, 2007
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Hi BevDee.

77 degrees eh! Its about that here at the moment. The difference is that we are in an Indian summer about to promptly change to winter. Autumn seems to have missed us altogether.

Talking about robotic sex, you said:

"But, I'm skeptical - what kind of guys would be content with that?"

Not many I would think. If men didn't want love with their sex too then there would be a brothel on every corner and the government coffers would be overflowing. I've only been to a prostitute twice in my life. Once when I was 20 and again when I was 43. The first time it was awful, while the second time it wasn't too bad at all. But it could never become a way of life for me because I want more than just mercenary sex. I enjoy giving pleasure more than I enjoy getting it. It's hard to give pleasure to a prostitute when you are renting her body for a short time in exchange for money and there's another John outside awaiting his turn. Yuk!!!!!

I was once good friends with a beautiful young ex-prostitute who sadly committed suicide by deliberately overdosing on drugs after her child was taken from her by the Department of Children's Services. She's been dead nearly 20 years now. She had been horribly sexually abused as a child by several men including her own father - a man of high social standing!

She once told me that, much to the disgust of the other working girls, she used to kiss the Johns on the lips. I asked her why she did this. She said: "You know 'Tez' ... all these guys want is love and they don't know how to give or receive it. I feel for them." That taught me a lesson about human nature. We are very complex and cannot be stereotyped.

We are celebrating ANZAC day today. Its a public holiday. We are commemorating the useless sacrifice of thousands of our 'Diggers' at Gallipoli on the 25th April 1915. Winston Churchill committed many thousands of troops to taking the Dardenelles in Turkey against unspeakable odds. It was the greatest military blunder of WW1. Hopelessly incompetent generals under the direction of young Winston Churchill, that megalomaniac who inspired British efforts in WW2, threw thousands headlong up almost vertical cliffs against murderous machine gun fire until all were decimated. We celebrate the courage of the bronze Anzacs who died there and in every other war in which people die for their incopetent political master. On the TV I just heard our General Cosgrove, a Military Cross winner in the Vietnam War, say that only novice soldiers would have obeyed the orders given on that day of the 25th April 1915. He said that today's professional soldiers, being no less courageous but much more savvy, would refuse on masse. He said that no General today would issue or comply with such orders. It seems that in those colonial days the average Aussie wasn't that savvy. I guess your Doughboys weren't much different. They died in their thousands in both WW1 and WW2 as well. Everyone says that they died for our freedom.

What makes me ill is the total lack of responsibility taken by world leaders on both sides for allowing the situation to degenerate to the point of insanity of all out war. Is Dubya going to face all the mothers of dead sons, all the wives of dead husbands, all the children of dead fathers, not to mention the women soldiers killed as well and explain away his incompetence in handling the 9/11 incident to which he turned to his political advantage at a hell of a price in human lives? Him, Rumsfeldt, Cole et. al. have to live with their misdeeds. When will we ever learn?????

April 24, 2007
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Hey Tez

Well- you know how to get me riled up.

I can't believe this!! "say that only novice soldiers would have obeyed the orders" Oh what a sickening way to pass the buck!! Bullshit!!! What are novice soldiers SUPPOSED to do? Disobey orders? These political and military leaders really get to me with the lies they wrap in rhetoric and expect folks to swallow.

A couple of weekends ago, I worked at my as-needed hospital job, and had to step outside when I wanted to smoke. On one of these trips outside, there were two gentlemen sitting in the little smoke hut. One of these gentlemen - I consider a kid- looked to be about 22, was telling the older guy about his time in Iraq. He was talking about walking into an Iraqi home at the tail end of a rape by his platoon of an Iraqi woman. He said he can't sleep at night for seeing the eyes of a little girl (probably about 6 years old) staring from behind the bed. This handsome young man sat and cried, then looked at me and said, "I’m sorry ma'am".

During and after the first Persian Gulf War, I worked in a bar owned by a friend. I talked to a boy I had known in high school- who had been 22 km outside of Baghdad when Daddy Bush called it off. He told me that there were Iraqi soldiers surrendering all over the place, standing directly in front of the tanks. This was slowing down the progression toward Baghdad, and after a while, they were ordered not to slow down. So, when these Iraqi humans stood in front of the tanks? The tanks ran over them.

The night I spoke to him, he told me that a lot of the soldiers under his command had been detained because of the spoils of war they had decided to try to bring back to the states. He explained to me that he had lifted a uniform cap off a dead Iraqi soldier, and taken some money from his pocket. He said everyone does this- like a trophy. Some of the American soldiers had hidden the severed body parts of dead Iraqi soldiers and tried to smuggle them back to the states.

These are the kind of stories that don't make it to the American news.

I'm so sick of this war, the cost to the taxpayers- it is our money that has funded this devastation and carnage. It is our money that sent the troops over and continues to fund Dubya's vendetta, and line his personal pockets. We are paying with human lives. It is our sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, cousins and neighbors that die to protect??? What was it again? Oh yeah- to protect us from those weapons of mass destruction!! Those ones we can't find!! We are paying with the lives of the troops, the mental health of the survivors, the grief of the families, and our honor and respect as a nation. But Dubya won't pull out. There is Egg. On. His. Face., and still he won't pull out. He won't pull out, there will be no climax for him and he can't admit it.

Maybe he always knew it, and is just playing the idiot buffoon so he can make the money. We won't know.

There is no sacrifice too great when a politician decides he needs to make money or be right. LBJ made a lot of money from VietNam, too.

I think we are too apathetic, and I also think that people that it has most personally affected are just too goddamned tired to think or feel about it. Devastated with grieving the loss of a loved one or because of the recession this war has brought on, working hard just to make ends meet. Too tired or devastated to whip up any indignation about it. Let alone take any action.

I hate this war and I hate Bush for what he has done to my country and my world. I hate this president that I did not vote for, who did not actually win the election. Is this why they did it? Is this why the election was rigged in Florida? Did they plan it for 8 years during which time our money was spent setting their goons on the Clintons?

This is why I quit watching the news. Because the true news is not reported, and the propoganda makes me sick.

April 24, 2007
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BevDee.

I can only agree with everything you said.

I cannot help but think that this making self-sacrificing heroes out of the poor bastards who naively go over to do the politicians dirty work, is aimed at recruiting more fodder as naive as the last. It is a kind of a mass con trick to fill the ranks of the armed services.

Initially when battle sickened soldiers returned home physical and psychological wrecks, they wanted no part of this commemoration bullshit. Yet as the years mellow them and they have reunions with old mates, they get seduced into playing the sick recruiting game without knowing that they are only being used by those in power. When it comes to getting medical treatment, compensation for injuries etc how the story suddenly changes and all the phoney gratitude for the freedom disappears in an instant - funny that. The onus is suddenly thrust upon the vet to 'prove' that his condition is war related.

I heard the following statement made this morning: "The price of freedom is eternal vigilance."

I 100% agree with this statement with a totally different meaning than that of the original person who coined the phrase. We need "eternal vigilance" when it comes to who we put into power and enhancing our bullshit detection at election times.

Originally this statement was aimed at encouraging the maintenance of a strong fighting force honed up, battle hardened and battle ready. This is what is happening to the US and Australian combatants in Afghanistan and Iraq. It is a 'bonus' for the war mongering power brokers. Battle hardening implies raping a mother as a young girl of 6 looks on, mercilessly shooting upon command without thought of consequences or questioning the morality of same. Of course the Top Brass would deny this vehemently. But remember the Abu Graib prison torture and the condemning Rumsfeldt documents? Is Rumsfeldt appearing before the International War Crimes Court in the Haig?

Violent video war games are all part of this seductive conditioning process. I heard a Major General Jefferies, not General Cosgrove mentioned earlier, say this morning that military training in the School Cadet Corps is vital to Australia's welfare. Hmmmm! If this isn't advocating the early conditioning of future soldiers in their formative years I don't know what is. General Cosgrove said that war brings out the best and worst in us. He said on TV that war is the ultimate life experience for this reason. In other words the worst is justified by the best!!!! Of course this guy is completely brain washed by militarism. He is now a civilian climbing the ladder of fame and fortune in civvy life. The next thing will be his election to parliament in order to send the next generation of boys overseas to have the highest experience of their life.

How much media attention is given to or money monies are paid towards research into the causes of war and political education of all nations on how to avoid putting warmongers into power by spotting the first signs of these evil people? Noam Chomsky has publicly done a lot in this regard. But Chomskys of the world are few and far between!!

Dubya and little Johnnie Howard make good bed mates. The trouble is that you can only see little Johnnie's feet sticking out of Dubya's behind.

Mainland China hasn't got any soldiers on foreign soil. Yet the Yellow Peril was thrust down my throat. Who has all the soldiers on foreign soil? Who are the aggressors? China Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Russia, Pakistan? Hmmmm!! Or am I using the wrong word? Should I be using the word 'liberators' instead of 'aggressors'? Should we ask the Iraqi woman who was raped while her little girl was watching if she felt 'liberated'?

April 24, 2007
11:13 pm
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bevdee
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Tez

"Yet the Yellow Peril was thrust down my throat. Who has all the soldiers on foreign soil? Who are the aggressors?"

When I was growing up, it was also Russia.

Do you think that our aggreesive, meddling countries project?

April 25, 2007
11:46 pm
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BevDee.

You asked:

"Do you think that our aggreesive, meddling countries project?"

You may have caught me with my pants down. I'm not sure what this "project" is? The ignorance is mine for not keeping up with world affairs.

I'd like to share with you a thought that came to me on my meditation/walk this morning.

I was pondering this concept of the suffering caused by a loss of self-image. I realized that besides having an image of myself that I foolishly believe to be accurate, I also have what I believe is a false image of myself that I think is as others see me.

Damage to the image that others hold of me, does not feel good. I asked myself:"why?".

I think that it is because such losses threaten to loosen the bonds that network me to significant people in my life. When I perceive my position in the network to be threatened, fear of abandonment, conditioned into my amygdala in childhood, is triggered off. It is all about demons from the past.

If my whole network abandoned me, I would not be one iota likely to be affected welfare wise. All the damage would be purely in my mind.

In such instances, self-cherishing is the ultimate cause of my pain after some humiliation. Egoism is all about self-cherishing and the illusion of there being an independent self that can be threatened with abandonment.

That was the insight that I had this morning.

Catch you later.

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