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Ten Verses Never Preached On
May 2, 2007
11:24 pm
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bevdee
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Well, G_! I think the boobs might lead us to a fork in the road or have us taking parallel paths. I'm casting my vote for the Bibledonkey. I think that enormous staff would guide me better. JMO.

May 2, 2007
11:38 pm
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In Islam there's a verses or something "hold fast to the rope of allah". Maybe they meant hold fast to the staff. I'd much rather hold on to boobs than staffs, so yes this calls for a split in our faith. I'm going to branch off to dino-boobestant, and you can be a Bibledonke-alic.

May 2, 2007
11:39 pm
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thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me

(Or is that thy Rod and his staff...)

May 2, 2007
11:40 pm
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bevdee
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I wonder if there's anything like a bibledonk a donk butt

May 2, 2007
11:43 pm
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donkey dongs

May 3, 2007
1:15 am
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mamacinnamon
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Guest: Donkeybomb. You blow up dinasour eggs, not dinasour boobs.

I was gonna pass, but I wonder why I haven't heard anything about havin donkey fries and dino blobs. what sick things to eat. yuck! But then if it all tastes like chicken anyway....

🙂

May 3, 2007
8:30 am
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bevdee
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This is a sick thread.

May 3, 2007
9:02 am
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mamacinnamon
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I totally agree.

May 3, 2007
9:22 am
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bevdee
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But- I'm gonna keep it going!

May 3, 2007
11:25 am
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on my way
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good grief,

I wake up and looks like you all had quite a bit of fun....

Dinoboobs....sheep would have hard time following a dinoboob rather than a staff.

guest,
Thank you. Albeit I do not talk about it much anymore, it attacks me once in awhile. The man is now dead.

On a happier note, where did everybody go?

May 3, 2007
1:54 pm
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bevdee
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Well hell.

I have tried all morning to think of a clever thang to put in here- because I am going in few wminutes to have my mammogram! Funny coincidence. I just can't think of any way to weave it together-

May 3, 2007
2:00 pm
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on my way
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bevdee,

Well, look at it this way. It may be the first one that you have that brings a smile to your face as you remember these crazy posts...

May 3, 2007
2:02 pm
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hi bevdee, good luck for that! i need to do tests too. Someone fix my throat so I can sleep well.. gosh. I have to start taking the 4 meds for clearing up my sinus.

May 3, 2007
3:01 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Guest:

Gargle warm salt water every hour for a couple days. That should clear up the throat. Do not swallow it tho.

Also, Vicks vapo rub at night will help also. A little just on the inside of your nose and if your chest is congested then also on your chest.

Hope that helps.

May 3, 2007
3:08 pm
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Here you go, bev -- now that you are back from having your mammo!

The Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition.

1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon
"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst.
Especially when the machine catches on fire.

That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body. "Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional.

Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working). I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my
panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. "I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of
death: breast entrapment
?"

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes. "My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"

In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.

The end.

Now, ladies, get those mammograms but be prepared!!

May 3, 2007
3:19 pm
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on my way
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Oh kroika, this is so funny!!!!

Mine's coming up, I going to print this out and take it with me, and say to the tech, 'here, read this first!'

May 3, 2007
3:39 pm
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Oh gosh, how funny. I'll never go again and I'm 2 years late. lol.

I do have to admit tho that when they did mine they found a lump and then stuck a needle on me and a cup over the needle and left me there 15 minutes while they went to read the xrays. My mind started wandering and came to the thoughts of "oh, what if they all go home and forget I'm here", it was nearly 5pm. Or "what if the building catches fire or a gunman comes in and I'm left here". Stupid thoughts. This makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one w/ a vivid imagination.

Thanks for the laugh.

May 4, 2007
3:57 am
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Donkey dongs.... from a different translation.

Thought I'd haul my old Jerusalem Bible (Reader's Edition) down off the shelf and find out more about this Ezekiel person. According to the introduction to this book, Ezekiel "stands at the source of the apocalyptic tradition" and has been called "the father of Judaism" -- by whom, it doesn't say. Biblical scholars, I suppose 😉

Chapter 23, from which our "donkey genitals" theme hails, is supposedly "An allegorical history of Jerusalem and Samaria." Anyway, I have to say that I do not find this translation quite as poetic as the one in Guest's link. It reads thus:

"She began whoring worse than ever, remembering her girlhood, when she had played the whore in the land of Egypt, when she had been infatuated by profligates big-membered as donkeys, ejaculating as violently as stallions."

Although... this version is quite stirring in its own right! :-0

May 4, 2007
7:59 am
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sleepless in uk
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Gotta love those donkeys......

May 4, 2007
8:04 am
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And Kroika...thanks for the story....really made me laugh

May 4, 2007
8:23 am
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bevdee
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"when she had been infatuated by profligates big-membered as donkeys"

Again- well yah!

I just know the author of that verse must have had some kind of member-envy. Maybe the author was spurned because he was not in the donkey category? What a bizarre little verse.

May 4, 2007
12:17 pm
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I like this version of the Bible verse so much that I'm gonna repeat it:

"She began whoring worse than ever, remembering her girlhood, when she had played the whore in the land of Egypt, when she had been infatuated by profligates big-membered as donkeys, ejaculating as violently as stallions."

Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

We need comic books to show these verses in action!

May 4, 2007
12:20 pm
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"Ejaculating as violently as stallions", pretty funny

May 4, 2007
2:54 pm
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howdy folks.... picky kroika is here --

Guest, please note that the version of Ezekiel 23:19-20 that I supplied is not from the New English Translation, so you cannot put NET after the citation or you will lose all credibility with Bible-readers. If you look at those "top ten" verses, they all come from different translations. The #1 verse which you reproduced in the first post on this thread (Deuteronomy 25:11-12) is attributed to NASB, which is the New American Standard Bible.

So if we use the version from my Jerusalem Bible, I think the citation would be Deut. 25:11-12 JB -- although I have not seen the Jerusalem Bible cited anywhere. It must be an off-brand. (The Editor's foreward to my edition notes that the Jerusalem Bible was first published in English in 1966, and "though translated from the ancient texts, owes a large debt to the work of the many scholars who collaborated to produce La Bible de Jerusalem", the previous French version.)

So! I hope you will not make that faux pas again 🙂

And having said all that.... here is the JB version of Deuteronomy 25:11-12:

Ah, these two little verses are set off by themselves under the heading "Modesty in brawls"

"When two men are fighting together, if the wife of one intervenes to protect her husband from the other's blows by putting out her hand and seizing the other by the private parts, you shall cut her hand off and show no pity."

I think this version is more elegant and clear, about whose private parts are being seized - don't you?

May 4, 2007
2:58 pm
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bevdee
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I wonder if she kicks the private parts? Would they have to cut off her knee?

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