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Survivorofabuse......day church/night church...from Ma
January 13, 2008
12:05 pm
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StronginHim77
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Just read your posting on Support Threads, so I am starting this thread for you to post on. I will help any way I can.

- Ma

January 13, 2008
12:05 pm
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((((((((((stronginhim))))))))))))))))THANK YOU!!!!

January 13, 2008
12:09 pm
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StronginHim77
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Did you want me to share what my friend went through?

- Ma

January 13, 2008
12:11 pm
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What I can remember bout our church growing up..

It was a very small church in a small town. My family consisted of my grandmother, aunts,uncles and counins...we made up maybe 30 percent of the church. The leader and his brother and their families were maybe another 30 percent...the town mayor, and some others who ran things also were involved.

My pastor was a transvestite who sexualy abused my brother and some others in town, as well as a home for boys who were troubled..the church knew this and transferred him, he got his retirement and made a good penny cause he died in a very nice part of town.

I know that many were very sexually open...my brother kept saying well it was the 60s you know, and that is just how things were. He has a very surprising attitude on this, one day he is in the mental hospital for talking but it and then next he is telling me that everyone wants me to just forgive them.

I can not remember much before age 11..more so after that...

I know we had drinking parties after church, at someones home whose was really a bar...I had posted this on my thread at greater length.

January 13, 2008
12:11 pm
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that might be a good idea, please do Ma.

January 13, 2008
12:24 pm
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I believe my mother is bisexual...she has even come out and joked bout it..but i believe from what she said here and some other things, that this was the case...my T and someone else who i value much in life, thinks she sexually abused me...I think she did..I know others did...that she knew and said nothing about it..that I do know. I know they tried to take my life...and I suspect know it might be cause I was talking bout things, that i was not supposed to be talking bout..sexual abuse.

January 13, 2008
12:25 pm
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My friend (who is now 42) spends 1/2 hour with me every day, sharing what she experienced. She has (literally) hundreds of journals in which she recorded what she survived at the hands of her own family and "church" community. She currently holds two degrees in both social work and psychology and works with abused women and children in a "safe house" program. She is working on a book for survivors of Satanic ritual abuse ("night church") and is also going for her Master's Degree. She wants to help others who have suffered, as she has.

Her father was a prominent elder at her "Sunday morning" town church. Well-respected. A prominent, model citizen. So were the town doctor, lawyer, funeral home owner/director. All were part of a "night church." The "night church" was conducted in barns and abandoned structures, outside the town limits. Things went on in those "night" services which nearly cost her all sanity.

Beginning in early childhood, she was ritually abused by her father, uncles, town leaders and other children during Satanic rituals in clandestine locations. Horrible things were done to her. Some of it was incredibly difficult to hear. It seemed "surreal" because it's hard to believe these things happen in the real world. But they do.

She was buried alive in a box in the ground, until she nearly died. She was suspended upside down from a cross and repeatedly raped by her father, uncles and other cult leaders. (This - at the age of 6.) She was impregnated by her own father and had the baby taken from her for sacrificial use on multiple occasions. I cannot even begin to post some of the horrors to which she was subjected, until her escape at 19.

She has left her home country and legally changed her name/identity. If they find her (and they have attempted to), they will murder her because she can testify against them and expose the "night church." That is what she grew to call it. Because she was forced to continue going to "day church," the entire time she was being hauled out of bed in the middle of the night as a tiny child, to be used in "night church."

I hope and pray you have never been subjected to similar suffering. She has developed critical eating disorders, as a direct result of this abuse. She has nearly died from these eating disorders. Today, she remains in treatment, seeing her therapist 3X/week. She may never totally recover. Her insides are so damaged that she will never bear children of her own, to keep and love and raise. And she became a cutter, attempting to remove most of her body parts which were utilized during "night church." She, of course, still bears the scars of that desperate cutting. It is a miracle that she is sane and recovering, but she will NEVER be comply whole and safe. NEVER. She has endured too much trauma.

I love this woman dearly. She has taught me so much. And her work on behalf of other abused/molested women and children is miraculous and dedicated. She has taken all that she suffered and is using it to help others. I think I admire her more than any other woman I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

- Ma

January 13, 2008
12:29 pm
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I need to reread this and post later on ma...thank you for this, thank you very much. i got to busy this am, will return later on.

January 13, 2008
1:25 pm
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Ma, I am sitting here with my mouth hanging open. I grew up in Christian school. I truly thought things like what you just described were just stories they told us to scare us. Even at 40 yrs old I had no concept this could really happen and that seemingly normal people could be involved. When I pray to the True God I will pray for this woman and her continued healing. Although I imagine with what she has been through she probably finds it hard to believe in Him.

I was molested as a child by a relative, but my father is the one who found out and put a stop to it. The concept that a father could do this to his own flesh and blood is so hard for me to wrap my brain around.

Survivorofabuse,I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you and tell you it will all be better, but I can't. The only word I can come up with to start a sentence is "if" but I don't want to use it and cast any doubt on your story. I believe you. This happened to you? I want to pray for you as well. Will you share your story? How can I a stranger help you? (((((((survivor))))))

Bitsy

January 13, 2008
1:49 pm
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Bitsy -

You hit the nail on the head. One of the nearly-insurmountable difficulties encountered by survivors of satanic ritual abuse is that FEW PEOPLE BELIEVE THEM. After all, this is modern times, not the era of the Salem Witch Trials, right? I will never forget the day this woman realized that I BELIEVED her...and that she could trust me. All I could do was hug her close (a huge breakthrough, just in itself) and give her motherly comfort. I rocked her like a baby for what felt like an eternity, while she wept in relief. Relief. Only a few people know her entire story. Because of her trauma, trust is a very serious issue for her. Understandably so.

Plus, she carries enormous guilt and shame for what happened to her. And this seems to be the case for abuse survivors. They blame themselves for NOT DYING...for living...for surviving because many had to continue to participate in heinous activities, to avoid being killed. Not to mention the YEARS of mental conditioning which totally robbed them of believing they had any "choice." Most feel they had no choice, but still internalize the guilt and shame for the atrocities perpetrated against them.

As far as a belief in God? I read an incredible piece which she wrote on it. Despite all, she has come to believe in a God Who saved her. She also believes that God hated what happened to her and that the devil (Satan) is very real and works his evil through people, using them like tools or puppets. She is still leery of ALL ministers (I am the only one she has ever confided in...possibly because I am a woman which seems "safer" to her - her therapist is a woman, also), and avoids all organized religion. Can't say as I blame her. She was, after all, subjected to the inexpressible horror of "day church/night church" for 19 years. Heard the Bible read daily in her own household. Imagine! While unspeakable evil was being done to her.

Her father and mother are still alive...and she has a twin brother who is still actively seeking her whereabouts, to kill (silence) her. Do keep her in your prayers. She certainly needs and deserves them. I am amazed that she has chosen NOT to hate God and become incredibly close to me, walking & talking with me at the close of every day. (She lives just two houses away from me.)

- Ma

January 13, 2008
1:57 pm
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Ma I am so glad she has you. Sometimes I read Nora Roberts and she wrote a fiction book on this subject. See to me it just is so unreal. I can read it and accept it as fiction. The thought that it happened to a real, live, human being wretches my heart. I know evil exists. The older I get the more naive I realize I was/am. She ex-husband used to have to point out things to me that went completely over my head. Once the emergency room doctor was flirting shamelessly with me as he stitched up my hand. Ex laughed at me all the way home becuase i was clueless.

Bitsy

January 13, 2008
1:57 pm
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Ma I am so glad she has you. Sometimes I read Nora Roberts and she wrote a fiction book on this subject. See to me it just is so unreal. I can read it and accept it as fiction. The thought that it happened to a real, live, human being wretches my heart. I know evil exists. The older I get the more naive I realize I was/am. She ex-husband used to have to point out things to me that went completely over my head. Once the emergency room doctor was flirting shamelessly with me as he stitched up my hand. Ex laughed at me all the way home becuase i was clueless.

Bitsy

January 13, 2008
2:30 pm
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I cried when i read this...I also felt so chocked up that i did not even know how to respond to it, and I also know most who read this think this is crazy and that people who have these memories are nuts...most do..I realize that. I would never bring it up to anyone besides Ladeska or ma cause she said she believed it and is close to someone who said that. Bitsy thank you for that..you seem sincere when you say that, that is very much appreciated..I even have a hard time at times believing in it and i suspect it..I do. My brother told me he was conceieved on halloween and that he was either part of the cult or he was kidnapped from someone else and brought here and our parents were forced to raise him due to high drinking debts...who knows..I could be wrong, he could be wrong...but there are so many flags here, that I have to consider it, for me to find my truth and sanity.

My brother was violent since age 5...he threathed to shoot his teacher, bring in a gun from home..when they told my parents bout this..their response was that they were the ones who were crazy.

He cuts, thinks he has MPD, told me that. He is also a Transvestit and bi and lives with an older man...i do not know if he and him act on it, but I know enough that its not healthy and that he get upset being called gay...fights with people, threathens to kill people in bars, wanted to cut out the heart of a police chief in my old town...he also was a cutter when he was a teenager, my mom got mad at him and said, well he did that to make us mad! Typical of her N behavior here.

My two cousins who were in bed with me when i suspected a porn ring and had it confirmed by my brother...late on...one tried to kill herself and the other could nevef have kids, both were hard core drug users in the 7th and 8th grades...

My sister was the conformist, for the most part..she hated sex, alochol but she did smoke...she used to hit men who tried things with her, she also was tough...on the outside anyhow...

Myself, well you know me...I am a walking textbook of a damaged person...but I will refuse to be this way forever..

gosh this makes me cry...I have to stop now people.

January 13, 2008
2:34 pm
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I am fighting these tears, I can't face it or let go, my child is here with me, she would be very scared and confused if I just started balling my eyes out...I am trying not to cry but its coming...cause it scares me...I feel sick inside.

January 13, 2008
2:44 pm
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I need to keep typing here...

I have heard this is common...that sexual abuse and that people use the church as a cover...that many promintent people are involved...that their victims turn to drugs, alochol and self destructive behaviors that they are then later looked down upon as crazy and losers..thereby it gets them off the hook..

how many people in this world are victims and do not even know it?! How many of us? How bad is this? I have come to fear all people in power, and those in any church, and the church itself...

My brother at first, before he told me anything did ask If I was being followed or watched, but it sounded so paranoid to me...it did. It used too. Gosh...I am scared. When we lived in a gated community at the time, he was happy for me, said i might be safer there...he does follow the police around in our old town, knows who the drug dealing dirty cops are...they tried to murder him, beat him to pulp with his hands cuffed behind his back, had no way to defend himself, he was in a coma..he just bout died.

I called the hosptial and said well I am watching out for him, if he dies this is going to get ugly, at first the hospital denied he was there, did not want that to be known, I said well I know and that he better live...he told me that later on, he was informed that a call came in and that it saved his life...my call.

now, this sounds so outlandish, that is scares me into thinking I am nuts.

January 13, 2008
2:58 pm
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the day we talked, before his nervous breakdown...we talked for five hours...he got angry with me when i wanted to know in detail what they forced him to do...he was insulted and mad at me...I just wanted to know everything...I what to do what these monsters did to us...

He told me that when he was a young boy he was foreced to murder kittens at my grandparents, that he had refused and they got angry with him and said do it or else! they beat him horribly and then after that he did drown the kittens, he was 8 or so he said...he then had money foreced down his pants to take for the job..

he was crying, I just felt so numb that i couldn't cry.

January 13, 2008
3:02 pm
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he had mentioned too that he was forceed to dress as a girl at church..and that today he likes to do that, and that he said he should just dress like that again and walk down our parents street..

now i know why he was so angry with him, they made him out to be crazy...he did steal from them, he did get into a physical fight with my dad, he was selfish and he does sound crazy and scary...but now I see he is not all wrong here, there is a reason why he is this today..its not all his fault here...not at all.

January 13, 2008
3:05 pm
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I have read that

animal killings are common to keep the victim in line, to create guilt that he is just as bad as his abusers..

that self harm and identity crisis are part of this or can be.

mpd and other mental conditions are also part of this or can be.

alcholism, drug abuse, fibromyalgia, other immune disorders and cancer are also related to severe stress and then a breakdown of the mind and spirit

violence, self esteem issues, self hate...that are very extreme are part of this or can be.

the list could go on forever it seems.

January 13, 2008
3:06 pm
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Ma...how likely is it that he was ritually abused? DO you know?

January 13, 2008
3:26 pm
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In my work I have heard many stories such as this one. It is very scarey what a human can do to another. Hard to grasp or understand. Its a very sick world full of very sick people.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ha3XSeulqWY

January 13, 2008
3:48 pm
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what do you think Ma?

January 13, 2008
4:23 pm
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I hope you come back here Ma!!!!

January 13, 2008
5:09 pm
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I will check back later for ur comment on this ma...please keep this open for me and ma to correspond if you all do not mind, i do not want our conversation to get LOST again! thanks!

January 13, 2008
7:18 pm
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Survivor, I have no doubt that if you say this is true then it is true. Based on my personal experience I have a hard time believeing it, but I grew up in Christian school where they told us this type thing did happen. I just blocked it out and refused to believe it. I still have a hard time with it. I always thought these were stories they told us to scare us. You say it happened to you and I have no reason to doubt you. I believe you. I wish it weren't true but have no reason not to think it is. I wish I could change things for you but I can't. All I can do is be here to support you as you come to terms with this. My heart is breaking for you and your brother. I wish I could make it better.

Bitsy

January 13, 2008
7:25 pm
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(((bitsy)) thank you...I just do not know what I believe or even if it did happen, that was ritual abuse...I don't have the memories that my brother has...i do know evil like this does exist and always has in this world. I have a hard time beliveing it too...not sure where I stand but I do know there are people all over the world like mas friend here who claim it did happen...I sincerly doubt all these people who share common stories are lying...I doubt it, and I am not so sure it did happen to us...maybe.

THat is why I am here asking more for more info, I am trying to find out more, I do know I was used by many sexually, that in itself is bad enough, even without the devil involved that is just too much to even think of at times..most of the time I don't....

I do know my brother tried to kill himself not long after he told me what he knew...that he could not take the pain anymore...I do know he was forcecd to murder animals, self abused himself, thinks he is a woman sometimes and is very votaile to authority figures and is his own worst enemy..that i do know..

MA, are you here still or did u leave????

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