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sunnysue-My dream man turned into my abuser on our wedding night!
April 22, 2008
1:19 pm
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sunnysue
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We met on line and it did go really fast but we both felt very much in love and I just knew that the Lord had brought us together.
After only a few short weeks we were married.I received the shock of my life on our wedding night when he changed 100%. I was crying my eyes out and he just kept screaming at me to shut up and then read from his Bible that my body wasn't mine anymore but that it now belonged to him. I had never experenced anything like this before & had no idea what was going on. I just knew that I had married him for better or worse, until death.
During the next few months he proceded to confess many different sins to me. He said he had a sickness that caused him to peep at women or girls in wrong ways. One of them being his young stepdaughter. He also said that he had been cured of the sickness around 25 years ago. Is this possible? I also discovered that he was heavily into porn. The abuse (mostly verbal) although he did break 4 doors down when I locked him out of our bedroom. I called the police on him once but they just made me leave. The abuse has only gotton worse, but it has not been all bad. The bad times are very bad, but the good times are super good. I don't understand this at all. It is tearing my heart out. I have left him now but I miss the good times SOOOO bad and I feel like I still love him. Is change possible? He also lied in the beginning, then I found out that I am his sixth wife. I have also been married before and was widowed after thirty two years so I don't want to start over again. I do want to do what the Lord would have me to do but I go back and forth so much as to what that is. Please Help.Thank You So Much.

April 22, 2008
1:42 pm
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on my way
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sunnysue,
I believe in working on marriages. HOWEVER, you are not meant to be abused. He lied to you, so how can you trust him? You have absolutely nothing to build from. You aren't his savior, please do not try to be. I would advise you to step back and look at this logically. If I were in your shoes I would get away from this person as FAST as I could.

April 22, 2008
2:11 pm
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Celtic1
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Sunnysue....

Have you considered counseling???

Do you attend a church regularly???

The counceling would require much more training than a pastor usually has but that could be a start.

Christian counceling would be the best place to begin. You can even check online for some online counceling or Christian councelers in your area.

Do keep us posted with how you are doing.

Celtic

April 22, 2008
2:43 pm
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nevereverihope
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Get the hell out of that relationship. It is gonna get worse. Listen to what you are saying after all of that..its NOT that bad...it is that bad.. Give yourself a chance..Start over...get out...I was in the same kind of relationship, when they are good damn they are more than good they are so loving and kind, then, smack, back to the ol abuser. Get the hell out. The more abuse you get, when he treats you nice its gonna seem better than it is cause of all the shit you go threw. GET OUT...He is gonna tear you down mentally therefore he can abuse you more and you will just blame yourself that you did something to upset him and that he really does love you...He needs more understanding and help... frig that...get out...let someone else deal with his issues....RUN and dont look back.

April 22, 2008
2:53 pm
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garfield9547
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sunnysue

We ALWAYS look back and ONLY remember the 'good' times. Look at the mails you got. Good advise. Read and think and REMEMBER why you left.

Love

Garfield

April 22, 2008
6:11 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Good times. Oh sunnysue. you deserve all good times not a cycle of abuse and forgiveness. love yourself you deserve it and do what you need to do to be a happy whole person.

April 22, 2008
7:04 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Sunnysue, I do hope you will stay out now that you have left. I think you knew that was the thing that was right for you to do. I don't think you really want to be with such a person and you certainly don't deserve that kind of treatment. I know that it only gets worse and when they are ready to leave they will regardless of how you feel. Then you will still be left with these feelings so I would take it a day at a time and realize that these feelings are natural, but it will get better. It is already better not to be living in that turmoil. Wishing you the best.

April 22, 2008
8:17 pm
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Its the no-contact stage now, the hardest that she has to go through and resist all temptations of contacting him in any way. I dont know what makes that stage easy, maybe staying busy in some other new way.

hi sue, change is definitely not possible, you can count on that.

The no contact (nc) is hardest to manage, thats the stage you are in. Thankgod yougot out. Its now keeping out that is going to be hardest and if you can do that, you've suceeded. You can do it - you got away from it yourself I'm sure you can do the NC. I'm sorry to hear what you went through, this was nothing but pure deception that you had to face and that too, abusive.

April 23, 2008
6:39 pm
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sunnysue
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Want to thank everyone for all your answers.Yesterday was my first time on here so I'll try to get the hang of how everything goes.

Yes, my husband & I did try marriage counseling, as a couple, with another married couple. I couldn't be free as to what to tell them as my husband told me not to tell a bunch of bad stuff about him. We went for many weeks. One thing they told us was when we were starting to fight, just grab hold of each others hand & read the bible together. He never would, although we always went to church. My husband claimed to have been saved at age of 12.That's one thing that I liked about him. I quess we didn't show a lot of fruit though. I feel so quilty because I didn't act like a very good Christian wife. I always fought back with him. I think if only I would have been a better wife & shown him more love, it would have been different.

Someone said REMEMBER why I left. That's a good point.I went through SOOOO much with him, I didn't think I could stand it. Is this a good place just to vent and let it all out? Don't want to bore anybody.

Thanks for listening.

April 23, 2008
8:59 pm
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Sue, what do you mean by you shouldnt have fought back? Do you mean if he did anything wrong, you feel you should have tolerated it and not protested in any way?

April 23, 2008
9:25 pm
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Worried_Dad
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This guy is obviously a hard core Abuser. HE is not going to ever "get better." Worse, he is a predator--he tricked you big time.

You owe him NOTHING.

Get out while you can.

This relationship will harm you, badly.

April 23, 2008
9:37 pm
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hi WD, she already got out of it.

sue, WD is right, he will never change. You couldnt have prevented the abuse no matter what. He started abusing you on the wedding night. I'm sure you did nothing wrong on your wedding night now. Welcome to the site and I hope you find good advice here! There's so many good people here.

April 24, 2008
11:30 am
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StronginHim77
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Sunnysue -

Like you, I am a widow. Like you, I met someone online who claimed to be a "Christian." He certainly talked the talk, even with my senior pastor (before the wedding). The abuse began on our wedding night. It was a NIGHTMARE. Turned out he was sleeping with his (then 10-year-old) daughter who deeply resented my presence in daddy's bed. He also had a sick relationship going with his "ex" wife, as well as a girlfriend in another State. Total mess. He was a screamer/rager/narcissist. I finally left him, after trying to make it work for two months.

Now...listen to this. Two years later, I did the same thing again. Met another man online and he utterly snowed me. Talked about God. Attended my church. Met with my senior pastor. We married. The verbal and emotional abuse began within 24 hours of saying "I do." I left him 11 weeks later. Sadly filed for divorce. Today (more than a year later), he is back online, trolling for yet another victim.

These predators are out there. Many of them claim to be Christian. Sorry, but if you are really a genuine Christian, the fruit of that relationship with Jesus will spill over into the way you treat others. PERIOD. (By the way, that is Scriptural. Look up the fruit of the Spirit in your Bible. It will ease your conscience.) In general the online predators have magnificent radar for sniffing out grieving, wounded women and pretending to be whatever the woman NEEDS. You need a Christian, fellow-believer? Voila! Instant Christian fellow-believer. You need a kind, compassionate, gentle man? Voila! The predator is the kindest, most compassionate, most gentle man you will ever meet.

Watch for the red flags. First, I personally advise avoiding the internet. It is too easy for predators to "pose" and project a false image online. Watch for the guy who presses for a quick marriage or rapid commitment. HUGE red flag. Watch for the guy who has few (if any) close friends. Bad relationships with former spouses. TOO MANY former spouses.

Talk to their friends/family. Meet personally with their (alleged or real) pastor/minister. Take your time. Run a background check on them. Find out everything there is to know about the guy BEFORE you make any commitment.

My best to you. Do stay away from this man. He is toxic, abusive and a predator. Forget about those "great moments" you had with him. They were just that: MOMENTS. Not a peaceful life, built upon the joining of two, solid people.

- Ma Strong

April 24, 2008
11:32 am
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StronginHim77
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P.S. I, too, believed that the Lord had brought us together...BOTH times!! But that was because I ignored the red flags and allowed my deep need to have a man at the center of my life to dominate my feelings and my choices. It was NOT the Lord. It was my own, codependent need to find a man.

- Ma

April 24, 2008
11:45 am
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jv63
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sunnysue,

He thinks your body belongs to him????

I doubt veeeeeeerrrry seriously that God would be ok with that. you sound like a believer in God, It's only my opinion but the God I know wouldn't want you be anybodies door mat or any abusers victom. Your worth more than that.

So please please consider this advice,

Run Forest RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

April 24, 2008
2:06 pm
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sunnysue
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Looking back on it now, instead of lowering myself to his level and fighting back probably wasn't the best way to handle it. He rather enjoyed it when I did and that only enabled him to continue. I should have just left after the first time, like on our wedding night. Although if I had left then I would probably have felt that I didn't give our marriage a fair chance. Oh well, too late now.

Worried_Dad

What is a hard core Abuser? Do you think it was just a choice he made to abuse me or that he has some kind of disorder and he couldn't help it?

I am really worried about his getting a ladder & climbing up to peep in the bathroom window at his stepdaughter. Is this really a sickness that can be cured as he said it was many, many years ago? Along with all the other exposure etc. As time went on he only told me more & more shocking stories. When I would deal with one, he'd always come up with something else worse. He said he wanted me to know all about him & then see if I would still love him.

StronginHim77

I was so sorry to hear some of your story & what all you have been through.

Mine was a screamer, rager too, I'm not sure why.

I had met his Pastor, his children, his friends from church and they all seemed to think the world of him. They told me they loved him and that I was getting a really great guy.

Is there such a thing as a Professional Christian? He new the Bible better than I did and he twisted all the verses around to suit his twisted ways.

Looking back on it now, I do see where there were some red flags. On my side of the family, no one liked him & tried to warn me. I guess LOVE? really is blind and I just didn't listen. I will regret that for the rest of my life.

I also did run a background check on in and nothing bad came from that.I found out later that he had just never gotton caught for anything or else he talked everyone out of pressing charges.

I think my main problem was that I fell in love with him on line & then with his voice on the phone before we ever met. It was so hard to connect it all together after we met.

jv63

Yes, he thought my body belonged to him because he just distorted all the verses around to suit himself.

Yes, I do believe in God. That's the only reason that I'm out of there now. My husband had me so worn down that I didn't have the strength to leave. One morning I prayed & told God all about it & gave control of my life over to him again because I didn't know what to do. Later that night, because of nothing that I asked for, my kids got together & came & got me away from him. I know the Lord sent them that day. I never really knew how bad it was until I got away, now it seems like every day I learn of a new way that he abused me.

Well, I do hope you are in a better place in your life now. Thanks for sharing your stories. It really does help.

April 24, 2008
2:39 pm
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Hi sunnysue

I did not realize you were out of the house. I am so glad to hear your not in immeadeate danger. God bless
and good luck

April 24, 2008
7:43 pm
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StronginHim, I have zero or very few close friends :((. Lol. I'm bad then yea? I know. I wish I had some. Oh well. Yea, I dont have any friends. I have one guy but we got together because we're both depressed. i dont even know what a friendship means. Huge red flag.. with flashing lights and sirens :(( lol

April 25, 2008
11:50 am
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sunnysue
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Sorry to hear that you don't think you have many friends. No, I don't think you're bad at all. I could be your on line friend if you'll let me.As a christian we always have a friend that sticks closer than a brother & He will never leave us.

Since I ended up with an abuser, I've been studying up on it because I certainly don't want to go through this again.

Someone asked (Why do you think that He is responsible for your happiness?)
That was a sobering question. He certainly is not. I also read (Find your purpose in life and pursue it with all your heart. Find something you love and are passionate about, try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best in it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.) I think that was great advice & I'm going to work on that.

Keep looking up!

April 26, 2008
2:00 pm
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Hi Sunnysue,

A capital-A Abuser has a kind of character disorder--but I wouldn't give them the "out" of claiming mental illness.

Yhey have deeply held believes and attitudes about relationships that are just plain sick and wrong. The world exists for their pleasure only. Other people's needs and happiness and safety are not important to them. In fact some of them get quite a bit of pleasure from hurting other people.

April 27, 2008
4:17 am
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Sunnysue:

You have been given a lot of sound advice here. Please do listen to it. I met a guy "in person" and we dated and married. We had talked about Everything. I said I would not live w/ an addict again (2nd marriage) and he said no problem. He lied to me. He was using as we spoke. Almost 16 years later it has been such a roller coaster that i just want it to stop. We are in counseling together but who knows what the outcome will be. He is doin much better w/ the verbal abuse and the anger problems, but time will tell if it is just to save his marriage or not.

I too believe very strongly in the vows I took. But, the Bible says there will be those that come in sheep's clothing. It says not to be unequally yoked. It says if the spouse is an unbeliever you don't have to stay in the marriage. And it says in terms of adultery then you are free to leave. Honey, lookin at his stepdaughter is a type of adultery in my opinion. When you think it in your brain it is so in your heart. You'll have to look it up in your Bible and decide what you think. But, there are ways out of a marriage and I think you have several already.

I am sorry for your plight. So sad, yet much to be learned from it. Please know your rights in your state statutes (laws) as well as in your Bible if that be what you follow.

Wish you the best.

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