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Suicide? Or Wing It?
February 5, 2001
8:47 am
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Bandit406
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Hi, Im a Newbie here. I found this place while Browsing the web in search of help.
This will get really complicated..so bear with me. Im a 23 yr old Male, gay, living in michigan, No cigarettes, no drugs, social light drinker. I've been to numerous psycotherapists, and psychologists, and taken I believe every pill on the market for their diagnosis. I'll be the first to admit, that im messed up. My symptoms are Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal thoughts/attempts, agorophobia, and sometimes schitzophranic . I talk to myself, sometimes get delusional, I fear people my age very much, because of my past history. I was beaten alot in school, NEVER at home. My life has consisted of fear since 3rd grade. For example, my third grade teacher threw (literally) me over a table in school. The previous years of high school were all taunt and torture, and my 12th grade was the very worst. I still have nightmares and taunts to this day in my mind. With loving parents and a strong close family bond, I continued to go to college. I lived alone for 1 year in an apartment, and I got good grades, did well, and excelled at my place of business. Then mom moved in with me because of a career change for her. My life completely was torn apart. My things were her things, Privacy was non existant. My auto went bad, and I had to buy a new one, which required a full time job. Work took me in instantly, and I had the focus to get out on my own again. Mom was going thru my things,found some of my things, and I was forced to come out to her at an earlier time than I was ready for. My father doesnt let me talk about my lifestyle in the house, and just now (2 years later) can bring friends into the house. I continue to have disturbing thoughts, and I cant do alot of things that normal guys can. My health is going downhill. Ive been diagnosed with MVP or Mitro Valve Prolapse, I have mysterious bloody noses and head pains when I go shopping, or when im out and about. The Gym is my biggest taunt. I know I need to go, but I completely FREAK out when I see guys my age there. Im afraid they will laugh at me, or even beat me up. Ive gotten very far in my career at an early age (administration of PC's at GM), but am sacrificing my college Degree, My health, and my sanity. The only thing that I can think to do is Either A. Commit suicide, save myself the future torture by myself and others. Or B. Loose my job, chance my financial security, and Move to a different location completely and Wing it. Any suggestions?

February 7, 2001
1:04 am
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Pollyana
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Greetings Bandit406,

I'm a newbie here too. I came here searching for answers.

I came across your posting and it's fairly easy to see you are a very distressed person and looking for help.

Suicide is not your answer. You have a
purpose here in this life. I know it doesn't always seem that way, but you do.

Seems like your carring a lot of pain from your childhood experiences at school. Those days are gone and done with. No one from the past can reach in and hurt you now unless you let them. Your in control...not the teacher,the students or anyone else.

Go to the gym and enjoy it. Don't let anyone scare you away. The people laughing may not be laughing at you at all.

Being Gay is not a crime. Your parents seem to care a great deal for you regardless of your sexuality. Maybe you weren't ready for your mother to know, but maybe it worked out for the best. She knows now, no more secrets, no more planning to tell her. Your father has moved forward in accepting your lifestyle, even if it has taken two years. He may not be where you want him to be,
but it just may take time.

Suggestions:
Don't commit suicide.
Keep your job.
Have a place of your own. Sorry but mom doesn't need to be your roomate.
Seek the help from a professional, you
have many conditions that medication can help.
Relax, enjoy life and the many good things you have encountered.

I know this probally isn't any help, but it's the best I can do. Take care of yourself and know that people do
care.

Oh, yes....you need a hug(((Bandit))),
everybody needs a hug now and then.

February 26, 2001
3:17 pm
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leslie
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I think that you should wing. A family member of mine committed suicide and it was very tough. People that commit suicide are afraid. They are scared to go on with their life and look at suicide as the easy way out. People will think that you were a coward because you couldn't take it. Hey, nobody ever said that life was easy sometimes you just have to bear through it and hopefully you will find hapiness. You're best bet will be to move away and start a whole new life.Some new friends and a new environment will probably make a world of difference. I wish you the best

March 10, 2001
2:02 pm
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Sal
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I hope you find some healthy alternatives.

I'd like to ask some philosophical questions re: suicide.

Do you think suicidal thoughts or self destructive behaviors can be classified addictions?

Is it possible to live without the suicidal thoughts once they are part of your repertoire of coping mechanisms?

Thank you for sharing your experiences and pain and insight.

March 18, 2001
4:20 pm
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NESS
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Perhaps neither moving away or committing suicide are the answers.Doing either of these take alot of courage and mean leaving behind the things and people you do care about in life.Think positive and try and take control a little.

August 30, 2001
3:07 am
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scherza
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My vote: Definately wing it.

I knew someone once that was considering the alternative. They faced numerous self perceived "failures" and disappointments. They stayed in their life...even in their home and situation...which is very similar to Bandit/406! They transformed the unbearable situation by trying really different approaches than they had ever tried before...and repeating the ones that worked...!

Today, this man is very famously successful in a career he never imagined he would enjoy...doing what he absolutely loves to do...hanging around people he loves...and nothing else has changed except that he has changed from within. The change from within exacted many environmental changes...naturally. He "bloomed where he was planted."

He was simply too beautiful to die...and I KNOW that you are too!

September 16, 2001
9:07 am
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philter
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BANDIT , DON'T DO IT MATE , IF YOUR NOT HAPPY IN YOUR ENVIRONMENT MOVE . DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE DICTATE TO YOU HOW YOU SHOULD LIVE . IT'S A BIG WORLD OUT THERE MATEY AND IT IS FULL OF BEAUTIFUL CARING PEOPLE . LIFE IS TO PRECIOUS TO JUST GO AND THROW IT ALL AWAY . STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU . I'M 40 AND I SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE BEING PARANOID ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK OF ME . PACK YOUR BAGS , TELL YOUR FAMILY THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND GO AND EXPLORE LIFE AND THE WORLD AND MAKE THE MOST OF IT . I AGREE WITH LESLIE GET OUT AND GET INTO IT .

October 13, 2001
2:16 pm
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ragdoll
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hi Bandit!

I just want you to know that i am a heterosexual single female, age 33. You and I don't know each other, and I am not going through what you are going through, but I have all the different things I am going through....and even though they are so differeing I know something as a COMPLETE FACT AND YOU MUST TRUST ME ON THIS: YOU ARE TOTALLY LOVEABLE!!!! YOU CAN GROW INCH BY INCH AND LOVE LIFE MORE!!!! I know this is true, and even if sometimes you don't feel this, know that it is the TRUTH...and all you have to do is believe this and START DOWN THE PATH OF SIMPLY TRUSTING THIS. KNOW THIS: Being HUMAN is ABSOLUTELY NOT a disease...it is a BLESSING...and that's all you are!!!! - YOU ARE HUMAN! A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING!!! Join this world in whatever way it works for you! IT'S O.K.!!!! YOU get to decide! YOU get to take yourself on your ride that is your life. Think of all the things you enjoy and love, think of the things that you have experienced that have made you laugh and smile. FIND these things if they are not happening enough, and GO WITH THEM! DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT AND BEST FOR YOURSELF! WHATEVER THAT IS!!! BE HEALTHY!!! It might feel like WORK - but SO WORTH WORKING FOR! TRUST THIS. BELIEVE ME. YOU ARE VERY VALUABLE. KNOW IT. I KNOW IT!!! YOU ARE VALUABLE. YOU ARE INCREDIBLY VALUABLE! BE YOURSELF. AND GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION. BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE. LOVE THIS LIFE. AND LOVE YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING YOU THINK AND EVERYTHING YOU ARE. Isn't it amazing and beautiful how complex we can be? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND COMPLEX!!!!!! Don't cut off this opportunity to know yourself more, love yourself more, experience yourself, even if ever so graduallyt...get inside the world and live! YOUR INDIVIDUAL PATH IS VALUABLE AND IT CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY -- JUST BE WILLING TO ACCEPT IT'S NOT PERFECT!!!!!!!! IT'S A PATH!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE SMILE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND COME BACK AND READ THIS AND SMILE WHENEVER!!!!!!!!!

October 19, 2001
12:08 pm
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Liketotry
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To all of you searching for answers. you have them in you, start looking inwards and asking why, instead of looking outwards
If we focus on the problem the problem becomes bigger.if we focus on the solution the solution gets bigger

Look at the everything you have learned from your experiences and take them forward to use to your adavntage

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