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Step 11 and Codependence-Help????
August 8, 2008
2:38 pm
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alicenwonderland
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This is going to be a long post, but I was hoping that maybe some of the others who have worked the 12 steps (and those of you with faith) may be able to give me some insight into how they worked through learning to rely on your higher power.

I believe 100% in a being higher than myself. Too many times in my life the presence of such a force has been demonstrated to me in an undeniable way. I was brought up with Christian values although my adult views encompass many more open views on the spirituality and religion. I have serious trouble believing that God loves me or cares about me at all. It is really a struggle as I am trying so hard to recover from the ghosts of my past and be a happy, healthy, and functional person.

I think to fully understand what it is that troubling me so much, I will have to bite the bullet and tell you a bit about my past. Please bare with me, as this is very difficult for me to share. I grew up in a home where I was invisible and the only time that anyone paid attention to me was when I was being verbally or in the worst cases, physically abused. It is only in my adulthood did I even realize that the trauma of my childhood was abuse. I didn’t realize that the type of punishment that I received was any different than other people received as children. I don’t at all mean to trivialize children who suffered abuses far worse than those I endured, but it plays a big role in why I have such a hard time with relying on God for help. My father was a time bomb and you never knew when or why he was going to explode. His violent rages were unpredictable and the entire family walked on eggshells trying very hard not to set him off. I seemed to do that much more than my siblings and often took the full brunt of his rages. My mother didn’t make things any better. Her only focus was on the housework and other duties that she had to do to absolute perfection. I understand many of the reasons she felt the need to do that now, in my adulthood, but as a child it only felt like she just didn’t want to be bothered with me. I am the second of four children. My older sister was a drama queen in every sense of the word. She was the apple of my mother’s eye and what little time she had left after her duties went directly to my sister. My brother, 3 years my junior, was the only boy and therefore, the only thing that mattered to my father. He voiced this on multiple occasions and reinforced it with his behaviors. My baby sister didn’t come along until I was 13 and by that time my parents had calmed somewhat and in addition, she had the undivided attention of both me and my older sister. I am really simplifying my family dynamic. It is in reality much more complex than this, but this is all my heart is able to share at this minute.

As a result of this dysfunction, I felt so alone and so worthless. I wanted someone to love me so badly that I prayed to God every night for help. My family (minus my dad) attended church weekly and my mother was a stern religious person. I listened in church to how much God loved his people and I wanted so much to be one of them. I thought even if no one else could love me here on earth that God would always love me and take care of me. When things got bad, I would hide in my closet, alone in the dark, and ask him for help. I poured out my heart literally sobbing and begging for any relief from the pain that I felt. I just wanted one person who thought I wasn’t the piece of crap that I was told daily that I was. School only brought more hurt and pain as the other children mimicked my parent’s pattern or ignoring me or abusing me and it simply reinforced my feelings of inadequacy and hurt. This lasted through college. I never dated. No boy ever asked me to dance or to a movie until I was 23 years old. (This is a set of issues within themselves.) The more pain that my heart felt, the harder I prayed until at last I stopped. I came to believe that I truly too wretched for God to hear me or love me. I came to feel broken and devoid of any good or worthwhile quality.

I’ve been through a lot in my adult life and despite it all, I do not hate God, but I have come to just not rely on him to help me or think that he can care about me. I am in therapy and I am at a place in my recovery where I have feel that I have completed the first 10 steps with some sense of accomplishment, but Step 11 really has me stuck. I keep thinking about a something that Pia Mellody said in one of her books about codependents having trouble trusting in a higher power and I find myself wondering how part of the problem can be part of the solution. I want to believe God cares for me. I truly do. I almost can’t believe this because I just want to be loved so badly that I am angry with God for not allowing me any love into my life. Every relationship ends in disaster and hurt on my part. It is like he is denying me the only thing I have ever really needed in my life and it makes me feel so worthless and un-loveable.

Recently, I actually for the first time in many, many years believe that God can hear me when I pray. To digress for just a minute, an amazing thing happened to me just yesterday which in an odd way seemed to reinforce this. I was driving to work and listening to the radio. I commute over an hour each way to and from work so I have ample time to think and converse with God. My mind had drifted into my daily mantra of praying for God to lead my feet along the path of life and for him to lead someone across my path who will love me and who I will be able to love (in a healthy way) in return when a song came on the radio which sent tears streaming down my cheeks. The song wasn’t religious in nature in any way. In fact it is about two lovers, but the words just seemed to be meant for me. The song is by Staind and the lyrics go “Believe in me. I know you’ve waited for so long. Believe in me. Sometimes the weak become the strong. Believe in me. Life’s not always what it seems. Believe in me. Cause I was made for chasing dreams.” When I heard them it was like God was speaking directly to me. I know that may sound silly to some people, but it was a feeling that was so powerful and peaceful that I couldn’t deny it if I would try.

Since this happened, I keep thinking about being patient, but my old codependent behaviors just seem to be bucking every part of it. My heart is so lonely and it wants someone to love so desperately that I find myself hurt every morning when I wake up and realize that I am alone. When I feel this way, I turn to God in prayer and try to believe, but it is just so hard. I feel like I die a little inside every day from the loneliness.

Has anyone else had difficulty with the “higher power” aspect of recovery? What are your thoughts/feeling about codependence affecting this portion of recovery? How do others handle having faith and believing that God loves you? I can’t talk to anyone I know about this. The “religious” people that I know are so very religious in their beliefs that they feel that I am speaking blasphemy when I even try to discuss my feelings of being let down by God. I have even spoken with a couple of local ministers and walked away feeling much worse than when I started. They actually made me feel even more like God sees me as worthless. I thought maybe some of you might be facing similar trials or could be able to understand from a codependent’s perspective how this can be so difficult.

I know this was long, but thank you for taking the time to read this. I just don’t know where else to voice this concern.

August 9, 2008
6:35 am
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CraigCo
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Alice,

I was raised in a church going christian home but I've always had a difficult time with religion. The concept of a higher power of my own understanding as opposed to an individual God is something that I could actually wrap my head around.

Still, I tend to think of it as a higher power of my own "misunderstanding".

I think that we are all like little chicks still on the inside of the egg, pecking away at the shell. We haven't even seen the big picture. Who could ever proclaim having mastery over the knowledge of the universe, of the life force, of even of an accurate conception of a higher power or God himself? But, I do believe that there is something bigger than us. Something that we can tap into. Exactly what it is or how it works isn't something that we are likely to ever completely understand in this lifetime. It does require a leap of faith. To be sure.

The 12 step program seems like it's not fully connecting with me yet and becoming my main joy and lifeline but, it has only been about 4-1/2 months of it. I'm told that that isn't really very long in the whole scheme of things. I haven't even been able to do a 4th step (successfully)as of yet, so unfortunately I'm not likely to be of much help with your step 11 issue. I'm still working on #3. Feel like I'm good with it some days, but then not on others.
However, continued prayer & meditation seem to be key in achieving
what we desire as far as our faith in a higher power/God is concerned.

I not convinced that its something that I'm doing wrong or something that I can push but, I trust that if & when it all fully clicks it will have been well worth the effort.
I've seen what it has done for others who I think were in a worse state of affairs than I had ever been.

I try to beware of the the self analytical road. Although there is much to be learned and understood by following that road, which to an extent is a necessary part of our growth, I've found that it can lead to much unnecessary sorrow.

You have come a long way it would seem. I did not have to endure the suffering that you did as a child.
I think that we don't know early on how much of our life is "what happened to us" versus "how we reacted to it". Ah, this journey to serenity. What an arduous undertaking it is.

August 9, 2008
7:58 am
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WizardofAus
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Hi Alice. Maybe my story may help.

The only thing that my parents told me was that God probably does exist and that I would need to discover Him for myself. At 60, I now regard this as one of the nicest things they could have done for me.

My Mum had been abused in a Catholic school and my Dad was a free thinking rebel. So the Church did not get very good press in my house with the exception of the Salvo's (Salvation Army) who were admired for the good work that they did with the poor and the downtrodden.

However, I learned early that these institutions were not all that relevant in my search for the meaning of God. I found far more divine inspiration in the midst of an ocean or a rain forest or when I gazed at the stars on a moonless night. Later on, I learned the difference between spirituality and religion. Religion is a group bound together by a common understanding which can easily turn into misunderstanding. Carl Jung, who had his own problems with his religious parents, said that where you have a group, you will find group lies.

Spirituality for me is an ill defined human function by which we feel connected to the rest of the Universe. John Donne wrote a poem: "No man is an island, complete unto himself." we are all connected and that connection gives us the potential for synergy.

Ok, as an example, in the past I have written here of my pain and you have responded in part with empathy but in part with practical ideas from your experience for how I can further my journey. That is an example of spiritual synergy. You and I both learn from your experience and we also both share my pain. Now imagine those relationships multiplied through space and time and beyond the human family into all other beings throughout the Universe; all connected into one huge interconnected being of which we are all a part.

One metaphor I like is that the Uni-verse means one (uni) song (verse). In other words we are all one huge orchestra each of us with an individual voice or instrument but joined together in creating the one song.

Now what creates the harmony? Does the conductor create the harmony in an orchestra? No, he or she merely suggests the harmony. As a player in the orchestra I have a choice as to whether I follow his or her leadership or do my own thing. Sometimes I may even want to follow the lead, but lack the skills to do so.

But let's call that leadership our Higher Power. In twelve steps terminology we are endeavouring to focus on the conductor and try as best we can to bring our instrument into harmony with the divine score which the conductor is endeavouring to convey to us.

Now what happened in your car is an excellent example of that power operating in one of its more mystical forms. You were thinking xxx and you heard song yyy and the two things formed a synergistic relationship in your imagination. The outcome was that you felt more energised to face your day.

I believe that the actual mechanics of how that works are way beyond our human definition; it's like asking a fish to describe water. It's impossible because a fish has never experienced non-water so it cannot describe water from an external objective position. The Higher Power is the water in which we live and die and have our being.

As for the Twelve Steps, in the first three steps, we accept that we are a finite being with finite abilities which are insufficient to meet the challenge of our addiction; we accept that an infinite power exists which can deal with our problem; and we decide to let it work through our lives.

The next seven steps are actually different ways of relating to our Higher Power; an honest audit, group fellowship, etc. Step 11 is just another two ways of achieving that spiritual relationship.

It's important that we do not get too hung up on the definition of prayer and meditation. They are just words but they describe an infinite variety of human experiences. I have this friend who surfs big waves. He touches his Higher Power when he is on a big wave. I find rain forest to be a spiritual experience. A cup of coffee with a wise old friend can be inspiring and uplifting.

The important thing is that you let the inspiration into your imagination and that you give it out in different ways that are shaped by your particular talents.

To ask am I doing this correctly is like asking did I paint this picture properly; yes you did, it is your creation. Provided that your motive is pure, there is no wrong way to do it.

As Simon and Garfunkle sang, "the words of the prophets are written on the subway wall." If you are genuinely seeking the Truth, you will find it almost anywhere. Just relax and trust your inner being to get it right. A song on the radio sounds as good an answer as any to one of life's problems. If it works for you just trust it.

August 9, 2008
8:56 pm
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CraigCo
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Wiz,

Alice's thread I realize but, hmm...let me think about that.

...Yeah! Very nice. I like the orchestra/conductor analogy.

Incidentally Wiz, are you attending meetings?
I've slacked off with attendance myself the past few weeks.
I've been going once about every 10 days or so.

August 10, 2008
12:58 pm
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Dear Alice -

Reading your posting touched my heart so deeply. It made complete sense. How can we conceive of an all-loving, all-embracing Heavenly Father when our own parents were incapable of giving us the unconditional love which He (presumably) offers? That is the problem in a nutshell. And because of my own, painful upbringing, I can totally relate to yours.

I, too, had a parent whose contact with me was restricted to outbursts of rage and/or imposing standards of perfection on our household chores, schoolwork, appearance (yup - even appearance in our teens!!) and behavior. I recall many, many broken moments of desperate, weeping prayer to an invisible God. These heart-wrenching attempts to seek His comfort and protection took place in closets, tree-tops, underneath staircases, etc. I would hide and cry out my pain. No answers ever came...until nearly 30 years later.

Today, (at age 58) I have an incredible, personal relationship with God. I talk to Him. He answers. I feel His tangible Presence with me. What you described about hearing that song on the radio? Yes...I have no doubt that was God, speaking comfort to your heart.

Have I ever cursed Him? Yes. Doubted Him? Absolutely. Been angry with Him? You should have seen me during the immediate years, following my late husband's sudden death. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. But I stand here today, as living proof that He does love us, understands us and is the GOOD Father whom few of us can conceive of...because we had such fallible, human parents.

He is Real. He does love you. Keep reaching for Him. Jesus is the Bridge. He longs to reunite you with the Father. He died for that cause.

I will be praying for you.

- Ma Strong

August 11, 2008
1:50 pm
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alicenwonderland
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I can't thank you all enough for your insights. I have really been struggling with this for a while now and like I said before, the people in my life who believe in God are so rigid in their beliefs that it is impossible to discuss this from an objective perspective. I guess that is just par for the course here in the Appalachian Bible Belt-huh? They are all good, well meaning people, but their views on religion are absolute and inflexible.

Craig,

I really like the chick image. That is the way that I have felt since I entered recovery-like an infant exploring the world for the first time. Everything is so new to me and in ways I stand in wonder at the world around me and in ways it scares me to death. Like a chick, my body is exhausted from the effort, but it is the desire to be free and see what the world is like that keeps me chipping away at my shell.

Trust is a big one for me- (oh not someone will cheat on me or that kind of thing), but trust in others, trust in myself, and trust in a higher power. I am always afraid of falling. I am afraid to give anyone or anything that kind of power over me and while I realize that is a residual of my childhood trauma, it is a stumbling block that is still a daily battle. It is probably my biggest hurdle, but I agree that when I just let go, then things often click into place. When I worked with troubled children, we did an exercise about trust where you fall back into the arms of the group trusting that they will catch you when you fall. I guess when you are used to getting dropped that you just build up a lot of padding to cushion the fall.

I am an overly analytical person which at times can work for me, but can also work against me. I pick everything apart. After really looking at this side of myself, I realize that I am looking for negatives in situations, things, and people so that I can discount them before they have a chance to hurt me. I think that is the same with God as I often miss the good things that I am being offered by trying to dissect it. My self analyzing is a defense mechanism. I think self reflection can help us to grow, but when we spend all our time analyzing everything we lose the experience of finding joy in living.

Wiz,

I agree that your parents did give you a precious gift by allowing you the freedom to explore spirituality and religion on your own accord. Even to this day, I am considered the family failure because my views do not match those of my mother. My mom truly believes in her religion and I know her desire for me to follow her beliefs is, to her, an extension of her love for me. I also acknowledge that it is also still both her and my father’s way of trying to own their children by controlling every behavior, thought, feeling, etc so like with many people, I simply refrain from discussing religion at all with them as it always ends with hurt feelings and anger.

I am finding that more and more people are viewing a higher power in with this mentality especially those of my age group from differing regions. I have always thought of religion and spirituality as different things. Spirituality is a duel force. It is my personal relationship with the higher power and yet it is also the collective spirit of humanity and every thing around us. It is far bigger than religion. For me I actually embrace spiritual ideology from a multitude of sources. Religion, on the other hand, is the set of rules that someone says I have to follow in order to maintain a relationship with the higher power. I tend to fall on the spiritual side versus the religious side. I feel that some of the worst crimes against humanity have been committed in the name of religion. I think God transcends all religion and is bigger than the limitations that mankind puts it. I find no more spiritual place than standing on a mountain top looking out at the world at my feet or walking along the beach in the early morning sunrise.

Carl Jung is one my favorite theorists. The notion of the collective unconscious that binds one human being to another to me illustrated the spiritual essence of mankind. His work was highly criticized for this in his time because it went against mainstream religious ideology. I had not read that about young and his problems with his religious parents, but that makes perfect sense given his theories. I always say that “a lie is still a lie even when it happens in a little white building.” (Most rural churches in my region are white.) Groups behave as groups do and I often find that people who are very religious overshadow their own wrong doings because they happen under the guise of religion. I don’t attend one specific church for this reason. It truly inhibits my spiritual experience.

Donne was an excellent poet. I love his use of the metaphors of sexuality in terms of religion. It is funny that you mention him because I actually received an F in high school (my only one ever) when my mother destroyed my homework because she felt one of his poems was blasphemy and that the school had no right to have me do a paper on such filth. I think that poem says volumes. No man is an island. We interact with the world around us and therefore, they have the ability to impact our lives and we theirs. It is that collective experience of pain and joy that makes us able to relate to our fellow man.

I love the orchestra concept. What a beautiful concept. I will definitely have to remember that one.

You can find a higher being in everything around us. The Native Americans believed that all things had a spirit and then in turn were governed by the “Great Spirit”. The miracle of a flower or the beauty in a sunset is, for me, just the artwork of his hand and a mirror to his face.

As always, I truly enjoy your take on things.

Ma,

You always have such a strong spirit of faith. I really admire that. Thank you for sharing your own personal history. It gives me hope that I can overcome my trust issues and move toward the more fulfilling spiritual state that I desire to have. Also, I know that it is my ever present desire for understanding and knowledge that often gets in the way when it comes to my relationship with God. I want to know why things are what they are and need concrete proof that I can see, touch, smell, taste, hear. Faith is hard for me, but it is something that I desire to have in my life and therefore is something that I intend to continue to pursue. I think it will come as I continue to grow and learn from the lessons before me.

Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond to this and offer me your personal comments. It has given me a lot of wonderful things to think about. You are all very beautiful people.

August 12, 2008
4:47 am
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Alicenwonderland.

Having been where you are regarding Step 11 some 30 years ago I felt like I was an appliance with the power plug in my hand looking for somewhere to plug it.

Step 11

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

I'd done plenty of praying down on my knees at night and at church for years. I felt like I was praying through a brick wall to no one on the other side to listen.

So I decided to give "meditation" a shot. Wouldn't you know it - none of the Christian 'black robes' had a clue on how to meditate let alone advise me how to do it. So it was off to an Ashram high up in the Aravelli mountains in Rajasthan, India. I became a gungho Bramha Kumaris Raj Yogi - celibacy and the lot. I learned to meditate alright. I meditated myself right out of Christianity - thank goodness. I did however make conscious contact with who or what I thought at the time was God, the Supreme Soul, Bramha Baba etc. It was powerful stuff that worked. But the doctrines credibility just like the Christian doctrine and the adherents were just as intolerant to doubting Thomas's as are the Christian hierarchs, ministers and religious adherents.

So after trying different brands of Christianity, Christian Science and the Hindi religion I gave away mingling with the God botherers in churches altogether. But I still tried to have conscious contact with this God. Sure I had conversations with God in my head during meditation. But because of some of the 'answers' I suspected some game playing going on in my unconscious. How much of this two way conversation in meditation was I authoring and how much was this God was a very debatable issue for me. Then I went to the Buddhists to learn their style of meditation. They pointed out the mind games played by the deluded mind. They taught me that I had to learn concentration and how to discipline with kindness and compassion an unruly mind that is always distracted from the 'here and now'. They showed me how the negative thought that constantly come and go disrupt my emotions and generate unhappiness.

From the university psychology studies that I undertook I gained the skills to read up on the emotional self. I learned that my totally love deprived childhood left me with an insatiable hunger for love that could never be filled by a woman. Not believing at my very core that I had any intrinsic worth, I learned that I was trying to buy my love in sexual relationships by 'tap dancing'. I felt like I was riding a push bike without a chain and going nowhere. My needy demands upon my partners in sexual relationships soon became problematic and the relationships though long lasting finally floundered because of these excessive emotional demands. I came to realize that no imaginary God was going to fill the empty void of unlovability within me either. I learned that I had to fill the void by learning to love myself for myself whatever this 'self' entailed. Before I could love myself I first had to get to know who or what it was that I was trying to love. This is where insight meditation came to the fore. Book learning went only so far. I had to look within and see the maschinations of my own mind as they generated one negative thought after another. No wonder I was maintaining my low self-worth and continuously felt down trodden and worthless.

One powerful tool besides meditation that I use is sleep. As I go to sleep I ask myself to solve a problem during my sleep. Firstly I clearly define my problem and then I ask myself to remember the solution next morning. Almost invariably, I awake in the early hours of the morning with an insight into the problem and an answer as well.

My 'higher power' is now my own unconditioned mind. My lower power is my conditioned mind: that is, my ego-driven and controlled mind.

I use this word 'ego' in a slightly different way to the normal understanding. The ego is the conditioned mind that builds a mental 'fence' that separates 'self' from other.

It is the ego-mind that maintains this sense of the 'separate self'.

So when I go to sleep asking myself to solve a problem, I am effectively passing the problem through this 'fence' to the my unconditioned mind, my higher power, for the return of a solution.

So when I learned that the Buddha taught the non-existence of this Christian creator God, I felt quite at home with that teaching. It certainly was reinforced by my experiences.

I have presented you with an atheistic approach to step 11 to counter balance the theists story. I leave it up to you to choose what suits you best. But the Christian theists who wrote the twelve steps were wise enough to broaden the concept of a higher power widely enough that even I as an ex -Christian theist moving through agnosticism, finally converting to a born again atheist, could adapt.

All the best on your journey to love yourself absolutely without conditions put upon that love.

August 12, 2008
8:50 am
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alicenwonderland
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Tex,

I am a very open minded person and actually do not adhere to strictly Christainty or any other religion. As I have said before my image of God is bigger than religion. I was raised with Christian beliefs and as such they will always be ingrained inside me. I do feel better when I pray to "my god" as you put it, but I also find metitation useful as well. It opens the mind and makes me more receptive to the life energy all around me. Honestly, I don't see where it has to be one or the other. Sprituality can be a many faceted human experience.

I truly understand where you are coming from with your take on the emotional self and the unconscious mind. The concept of the ego (the id, and the superego) were the foundations of psychoanalysis which was the true jumping off point of the psychology movement. Freud gave everyone something to prove or disprove and as such I give him his proper dues; however, like religion, I am not sure if my views on the emotional self are limited to Freudian theory. I personally adhere to the Ecclectic disipline. I think the power of the human mind is so complex that we can only tap into a very small portion of it. It sounds like you have learned to harness the some of the power of the mind that many people have not yet mastered. That is quite an accomplishment. I often actually think of the Buda as a psychologist himself. I find eastern religions to be very "mind" based.

What is it that the Bible says "there is no new knowledge under the sun." We think that in our time that we are so much more intelligent than the ancient peoples of the past; however, we are very limited in our views of knowledge that often we miss the lesson in front of us because we think in absolutes. Western people shun the east, the east shuns the west, Prodestents bash the Catholics, and Catholics bash the Jews, the Jews bash the Muslims, and the useless hatred goes on and on and on. It actually pains me to think about all the hatred that is caused by something that is suppose to be as beautiful as a relationship with a higher power can be. The Bible says "work out your own salvation" and I believe that. It is up to each of us to find our "Stairway to Heaven". That is the great thing. We each have our own choice so why does everyone feel the need to control what others think or feel in regard to religion? If we could all just learn a little tolerance for one another what a world this could be huh?

Thank you for your alternative insights. I really enjoyed them. It gave me some fuel for my spiritual fire. For me, I know God is real. He has proven his existence to me countless times in the course of my life. Where I stand on how you get to him, well, that part I am still working out. My issues with trust go far beyond spirituality. It is a problem that I face in all facets of my life.

Again, thanks for having the courage to offer your comments. I know being a descenting voice is often hard.

August 12, 2008
8:53 am
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alicenwonderland
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Sorry Tez, I hit the x instead of the z on my reply...

August 15, 2008
2:20 pm
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Soulsister
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I am really enjoying reading this thread and everything you have all posted. It has really hit home with me.

August 20, 2008
12:37 am
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Soulsister
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I am sad this thread is slipping away... ;-(

August 23, 2008
6:44 pm
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(((Soulsister)))) We can keep it going :o) I think these threads are always very helpful to us all in our own recoveries !!!!

August 25, 2008
9:48 am
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Thank you Giggles. It's been hard these days, only being able to read threads and not being able to post anything (ex has been reading and other people he knows) They took away my safe place. 🙁

August 29, 2008
6:25 pm
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alicenwonderland
I do not suffer from codependence but believe that my daughter may. So I don't come to you with any real understanding of that. What I do want to tell you is that you are absolutely loved by God. He sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for you and he loves and cares for you more than you could ever understand. The guidelines of this website limit me for fully explaining why I know that I am supposed to write to encourage you. I can tell you that after reading your post I flipped back and noticed your nickname and God thru that alone spoke to me to talk to you. I deal with depression and I understand loneliness and feelings of worthlessness. Although I did not have an abusive childhood and can't understand what that must have been like for you, I want you to know that I am so sorry and that I care. I dont know your name, where you live or what you look like , and you may not believe this but I want you to know that my heart is full of love for you right now. Someone does love and care for you, God and me. I am a christian, that does not make me perfect...believe me....it just means that the holy spirit dwells within me and if you get nothing from this just at least know that you are loved, and I will be praying for you every single day. I would love to continue to talk with you and if you are willing I would love to share some verses and some books that I think might help you to see your value and your worth and help you to feel less lonely. We all struggle with issues, some worse than others, but I believe as believers in Christ we are put on this earth to help each other, and I know God wants me to be a friend and encourager to you.

August 29, 2008
10:02 pm
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alicenwonderland

On the 12-Aug-08 you wrote:

"I know being a descenting voice is often hard."

No ... not really. I just have my say and others can take it or leave it. By now I'm used to the vitriol that is sometimes expressed by those who activate their negative feelings upon reading what I write. But that's OK too.

Have you solved your problem with step 11??

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