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SOS for MamaCin....
May 20, 2007
1:02 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Mama, I am quite certain that I need your help. Looking for info that I need for divorce. If you get the chance, PLEASE let me know if you are around to chat. I have missed talking to you, and this wasn't the way I had hoped to chat with you again...but it was suggested that I talk with you.

Thanks.

Mich

(((mama)))

May 20, 2007
2:16 pm
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mamacinnamon
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i'M HERE

May 20, 2007
2:22 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Mama, I need to know what to do to get out..WITH my kids

May 20, 2007
2:25 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Have you been reading at all what is going on with me Mama? I know that you don't always post, but have been known to read. I have to get out...it is destroying me...slowly...OR quickly...however you want to look at it.

May 20, 2007
2:28 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I was just on your thread reading some. Would you do me a favor and give me a quick brief. Let me know what it is you need and what you are seeing as your obstacles.

May 20, 2007
2:33 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am not financially able to walk out of here with four kids. I can't take the abuse though Mama. Emotional, or the physical with the kids. I can't take anymore. I just realized how bad things really are and how much I have sugar coated them. I have two posts that say a lot. I will copy and paste them, and post them here for you.

May 20, 2007
2:36 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ok, here is the deal.

We talked and talked and talked. I cried and cried, and cried. I said SO much today. So much came out of my little head.

------------------------------------

Ok, so here is the deal with my h. I am literally sleeping with the enemy. I can't take it. I want out. It has nothing to do with anything EXCEPT who he has been. I have painted such a pretty picture of him for SO many people. But, here I am, trying to act as though nothing is wrong. I told Jim that I did not think that I would ever be able to find myself while being married. Especially to my husband. I can't. I want out. I am DONE. I am not probably going to give him the letter that I wrote. BUT...I am going to turn him in myself. My home visiting nurse is coming to the house next week on Tuesday and I am going to tell her about Jay. I know that she has to do something about it, and she knows the CPS workers. Basically, I feel like I am crawling into bed at night with my mothers boyfriend again. I am tired of laying there pretending that I am somewhere else. Why am I pretending that? It is a defense mechanism that I have. I had to do it. I had to do it as a kid, and I am having to do it again. I cannot make love to an abuser. I couldn't do it as a kid, and I can't do it now. He is abusing me in many ways. I never saw that until today though. Never. I saw the abuse to my kids, but never the abuse to myself. Every time that I see a bruise on my kids...I remember every blow that I took as a kid. I, upon doing nothing about it, remember it that much more, because I remember the pain that I felt as a child that my mother never protected me. So in all senses, I am feeling ALL of the same feelings that I felt as a child. ALL of them...plus a few. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot choose to create the life for my kids that I had, and I cannot be the mother that mine was. I won't do it. It tears me up inside to think that I am going to have to probably lose my marriage over this...but I will. I don't care. I can't love him, and I can't be IN love with him. His abuse has really kept me standing still...for far too long. He has never admitted to having a problem. EVER. And I don't think that he will. Even if he did...I think that I am beyond believing that he will ever change now.

Ok...I will write more in a bit. This is getting a little tough on me.

Mich

There is so much to say here, that I am not even sure of where to start I guess…

The one thing that I don’t recall ever talking about was the first (and only) time that Jay ever hit me. Alex was about 4 months old. Jay and I were fighting and I tried to walk away. I walked out of the room, as Arica was standing out there crying (she was 4 years old), and I slammed the door behind me. I walked out there and picked Arica up. He whipped the door open and grabbed me, and slammed me against the wall. (all with Arica in my arms) At that point, he made fists with both of his hands and bent his arms up, and and hit me more or less with both arms right in the chest. It knocked the wind out of me. Not to the point that I dropped Arica or anything…but none the less…that is what happened. At that point, I chose to do what I thought would be MOST beneficial in that situation. I called his dad. His dad is 6 foot 3, and 350 pounds. I figured he would be more afraid of that, than he was if I had called the police. I didn’t tell him who I was calling. He had gone outside. I didn’t know….nor did I care what he was doing. I told his dad just this. I said, you have 20 minutes to be here, and you better tell your son that if he ever lays a hand on me again, especially in front of my kids, I will fucking kill him myself. I also told him that I would NOT be there when he got there, that I was taking the kids and leaving. So, I started to pack a bag for the kids and I so that I could leave. I got that all done, and I went out, put the kids in the car, and was leaving. Or so I thought. He had disconnected the spark plugs on my car so that I could not leave. He chose not to disconnect the battery for thinking that I could probably figure out how to reconnect that. So I was still there when his dad showed up. I don’t know what conversation took place, but he NEVER touched me again. I let it go.

That was not the first abusive thing that I had seen him do, and obviously not the last. The first thing that I saw was the night that he threw Arica on her bed after I had left to go get my haircut, and run to the store. She would not eat her dinner, and it pissed him off. So he took her in her room, and threw her on her bed. However…she managed to go feet first through her bedroom window. Doesn’t matter to me that it was NOT his intention, that is what happened. He was wrong. She didn’t seem horribly scared by what had happened. It was addressed, and dropped. He never really paid for what he did though…in any way. I always blew it off. So, here I am now, at 30.…7 years later…doing the same thing. So, now I am looking back KNOWING that I fucked up a LONG time ago. I have let this all slide, as I have tried to convince others, and myself…that he isn’t so bad. But, as I said earlier…I am trying to convince myself of that I think as well.

He has some great qualities…..he does. He has the ability to do some of the sweetest things that a man can do. He has the ability to be very thoughtful, and kind. I believe that he doesn’t love me any less because I am fat. HOWEVER, I do think that his big fear is that if I lose the weight that I want, that I will look elsewhere for love. When the truth is…if I were happy, maybe it wouldn’t happen. I have gained 30 pounds in 6 months. I did this once before. When I was trying to get the person that was abusing me, to not find me attractive, so that they would leave me alone. What does that have to do with me now? How much is that I have finally figured out that he is abusing me. He does just enough to make me believe that he is a good guy. He does things that make me forget about the asshole moments that he has. Well, you know what. I have NEVER forgotten even one of them….maybe just blown them off. At the expense of who…my kids. AND myself. I can’t keep doing it. I just can’t.

So, here I am at night crawling into bed with this man. This man who has NO respect for me, my feelings, or OUR children. He thinks that because he is a good man MOST of the time, that should be enough…and you know what. I am over that. It is NOT enough to me anymore. It just isn’t. I need to be able to not worry that my kids are going to get beaten every time that I walk out the door. It has never happened often, but, I never know when it will happen, therefore, I worry all of the time. That isn’t fair to me. My kids don’t even want him to put them to bed. They cry if I am not the one to say prayers, and kiss them, and tuck them in at night. I don’t mind doing it. I really don’t. But, I have stuck around, I have made myself believe SO much shit that it is unreal. When I look at what I have made myself believe it is wrong on so many levels. I have myself convinced that I couldn’t make it financially without him. I know that is bullshit. I might have to get a job, but there really is help for me. I might have to get state help for a little while…but I can’t help that. What is more important here…pride or safety? I have made myself believe that this isn’t who he wants to be. Yes it is. This IS who he wants to be…or he would do something to change it. He won’t even admit that he has a problem, much less fix it. He isn’t ALL bad. He isn’t an alcoholic, he isn’t cheating on me, he isn’t gambling, he isn’t doing a lot of those things. BUT, I have ignored so many things. So many. I am being cheated. He has cheated me out of my security, sexual satisfaction, comfort, health, and several other things. He has hurt me…beyond what I believe is repairable. I am struggling with this.

I always told myself that I would be different that my mom. I would raise my kids different than she did. I would be a different kind of mom than she was. I think that is why this has been SO huge for me. This has really taken a toll on me. Though, I won’t allow it to continue because I can now see the truth for what it is, I have made the same choices that she did. I went straight into another abusive relationship. My heart breaks at what I am thinking at this point. I get almost sick to think what I have ALLOWED to happen to me again. I was so blinded. SO blinded. I wanted my life to be different. I wanted to be happy. I don’t see that happening, not in this marriage, and not in another one.

I want to leave and take the kids with me. I don’t think that he will fight for the kids, I really don’t. And even so, I don’t think that he has a leg to stand on. This isn’t going to happen overnight. It can’t. I have to do this very carefully. I have a lot of thinking to do, and yet have to watch my back in the meantime. It is that pretending that everything is ok game…that I am SO tired of. Everything is NOT ok, and I am NOT ok, and my kids are NOT ok. I am not safe, and they are not safe. I am hurting, a lot. I am really bothered by all of this.

Again, there is more to all of this…but I need a little break. I will be back.

May 20, 2007
2:51 pm
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mamacinnamon
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First off....

GOOD FOR YOU for standing up and bein a good mom to your kids. That to me is worth more than gold. We as moms are to protect our kids at all costs, IMO. I am sorry you have had to deal w/ things for so long.

You are in michigan, yes? Duh on me, but i wanted to make sure. Also, what county may i ask.

The lady comin to your house having to report the abuse. Has she seen it? or is she goin on what you say. Because if she does not KNOW for herself and uses just hearsay from you the case could easily be thrown out of court. It will come down to your word against his unless you have documentation from ER or docs and witnesses. not trying to make things harder for you, just want you to know upfront what to expect. Let me know on this.

May 20, 2007
2:55 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Mama,

I don't know. She has NEVER seen anything. BUT...Alex will tell you what has happened to him. I know dates and times. I don't even know that he would deny it to be honest. I don't know how difficult this is going to be...but I need someplace to start. I have never called the police, I failed there, but..he has no marks now. Is telling anyone going to help or hurt this situation?

I live in Clinton County. (and yes, in Michigan) :o)

May 20, 2007
2:59 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I think telling someone is always a plus. Talk to this lady and tell her you were afraid to call the police and you didn't take any pictures and what should you do now? Now that there are no bruises, etc. having dates is a plus also.

I'll look for some info and get back to you soon as I can.

May 20, 2007
3:33 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Mama..I will be around. How is a legal separation different than a divorce?

May 20, 2007
3:38 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Start w/ this:

http://www.womansdivorce.com/index.html

go to the bottom of the menu on the left and click on site map. You will find tons of things that will be helpful for you. Not just laws but also how to deal w/ things emotionally, financially, w/ kids, etc.

then

http://www.womenslaw.org/index.htm

this site click on your state and it will bring you info on getting a divorce and also has many helpful info also.

Let me know if there is anything more you need or have questions on. Or if you just need to talk.

May 20, 2007
3:51 pm
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mamacinnamon
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What is the difference between divorce and legal separation?

The procedures for divorce and legal separation are essentially the same. The actions are filed in the same way and proceed the same way through the court's calendar. And, the end result for both will be a final judgment which divides assets and debts, determines financial obligations between the spouses, and establishes placement and custody rights to the children.

However, a legal separation is different from a divorce. If you are legally separated, you cannot marry anyone else until the legal separation is converted to a divorce, and then you must wait six months after this is done. Also, if you are legally separated and you reconcile with your spouse, you can dismiss the legal separation and thus restore the marriage. In contrast, if you divorce, you will have to remarry your spouse. Also, in some circumstances, one spouse may be eligible for continuing health coverage from the other spouse's employer, even after a legal separation is granted. The same is not true with a divorce.

May 20, 2007
10:09 pm
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sewunique
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Depending on Mich. laws may depend on your decision, also.

From where I was from in Wisconsin, filing for a legal separation is good only for one year. After that the legal separation is null and void. Meaning, you are back to being still married, or you must file for a divorce.

Legal separations in Wis. therefore are not popular nor frequeintly done.

Sew

May 20, 2007
10:44 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Is a legal separation the only way that the state will help me for a short time financially?

I just want to get out as quick as I can. This hurts, and I can't play like nothing is wrong anymore. He already knows something is wrong. According to him, I moped around all weekend...well, NO SHIT. I have had enough. I am tired. I want to be happy. Is that so wrong?

Ughhh.

May 20, 2007
11:51 pm
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mamacinnamon
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No, not wrong.

Check this out. I haven't even read it myself yet, but came across it.

http://www.prnewswire.com/cgi-.....0000804148

May 21, 2007
8:05 am
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1lost1
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((((Scared)))), hi, I was wondering where you went too.

Mama is the one that can help you. Glad you found her.

Take good care of yourself...1L1

May 21, 2007
9:46 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Mich,

I just want you to know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel...I have seen it myself.

My best friend had three babies...all of them were results of marital rape...her husband would run out of women to have sex with, be high on cocaine and come home and rape her.

He frequently beat her, even during pregnancy and even stabbed her during her last.

Her oldest son was under IV treatment for lyme disease when she was in labor with her last child...and she brought both children in for her labor and delivery and checked herself out 8 hours later...to protect all of them.

When she finally left him, she ran in the middle of the night to a women's shelter - in pajama's and diapers with just a diaper bag in tow.

They set her up in a safehouse and helped her get her divorce, order of protection and finances settled...as well as on state aid and temp jobs.

Once she was back on her feet, working three jobs...she met her now husband...they dated...then the landlord wouldn't renew her lease, had nowhere to go...her now husband had a one bedroom apartment and moved all four of them in...they lived there for a while, then his mom allowed them to stay with them, for a nominal room and board fee....they worked their butt off, paid off the debt and bought a house...then got pregnant with their fourth.

The littlest is now 6...oldest is 14.

And they are doing well...despite the setbacks...their youngest son was diagonsed epileptic after a horrible grand mal seizure...then later diagnosed bipolar...their older son was later diagnosed bipolar after threatening to kill himself...their oldest daughter has SEVER ADHD...and now they find out their youngest has auditory processing disorder.

But their family holds strong thru all of the turmoil. All this time, her husband has worked as sole provider, so she can take care of her children's medical needs.

My point is that there is HOPE. I have seen it.

And it gives me VERY PROUD to see you standing up for your kids...recognizing what you have gotten yourself into...and having the courage to take a stand and make life better for your kids...better than your own childhood.

I am proud to know you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

May 21, 2007
7:11 pm
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on my way
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Mich, lots of good advice here. There are some attorneys who do pro bono work, or at least who will work with you to file the divorce yourself..some offer free consultations as well, you may have to call and explain your situation. Pray that one would be provided as well! You can also request child support before the divorce is final, which is what I had to do. My income did not make it for myself and 3 children. Be brave...

hugs and support to you. Divorces are usually never easy when custody is involved, but generally if you can find legal support all you need to do is file.

May 22, 2007
4:45 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ladies,

I turned him in myself today. I just wanted to let you know that. It may get ugly from here, and it scares the hell out of me. BUT...I know that I did the right thing.

Mich

May 22, 2007
9:41 pm
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Juanita
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Dear Mich...

I wanted to send you my support. I am so sorry about what you are going thru. I know what it is like to pretend to be with someone else to get thru, but I have not had to suffer physical abuse. (((((((((((Mich))))))))))) My words seem to fail me. No person has the right to hurt another. I am so sorry you have been hurt & are hurting! Wish I knew what to say to help you, but you do have a good bunch of people here that can guide you.

Stay strong, I will keep you in my prayers.... all will be well. We have to stay positive and focused.

Sending you strength & support!

Juanita

May 23, 2007
2:43 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((Mich))))

Good for you honey. Yes, it may get ugly, but you stand your ground and do what is right. You will be fine. Any help let us know. We are here to support you.

May 24, 2007
10:48 am
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smarterone
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scared
I hope all goes well for you. I read your life and shame on me for failing in mine. I hope you get the strength and help you need. God bless you

May 25, 2007
11:34 pm
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mamacinnamon
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(((((holding you close)))))

How's things goin for ya?

May 26, 2007
5:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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Mich -

You have done a very brave thing...and the RIGHT thing. I do not know how Michigan is set up to provide help and support services for you and your children, but I am glad that Mamacinnamon is here to help you find a path to concrete solutions.

Please let us know how you are doing.

- Ma Strong

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