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Something kind of spiritual happenned to me last night.....
November 25, 2009
10:12 am
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truthBtold
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....so I thought I would share.

I don't really believe in g_d or jesus or the bible or anything, really, but I do believe in spiritual guides wholeheartidly (spelling?)

So, last night, I called a group meeting with all of my supportive relatives & my friend whom have passed over. I called them out by name and said - OK ya'll - help me out here. Help me to figure out whatever it is I need to figure out here so that I won't be so unhappy and miserable.

Then, the one phrase that Ladeska has said many years ago and has always stuck with me.....she said: "They make YOU wear who THEY are."

I always knew that that was important and incredibly insightful on some level - but could never fully grasp it until last night.

It's like, for most of my life, I have had this awful, never-ending, INGRAINED feeling about myself that I have done something really, really terrible - like really bad and against the law or something (anyone else here know what I am talking about?)

So, I started to question that awful feeling about myself and started to think about it in a rational and logical way - like what in the world could I have done as a child that was so terrible and furthermore, it is even my fault to begin with?

How can a child be responsible for feeling as if I have done something horrible and against the law? Doesn't really mnake much sense in this context.....you know?

So, then I remember what Ladeska said....that they make YOU wear who THEY are - and it all made perfect sense to me. Yes. Yes they do. But now I see it for what it is and can seperate from it.

Then an image of a turtle losing its shell popped into my mind along with a scene from the movie: "Shawshank Redemption" (with Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins and the scene took place in the prison yard and the inmates were talking about the suicide of Brooks - about how after he got out, he committed suicide in the halfway house...) and then the Morgan Freeman character tlkas about how the walls in the prison are funny. How at first you hate them, but then after enough time has passed - you come to depend on them (or something along those lines...) so that I think plays into what has happened to me all this time.

Also, the lyrics from the Stevie Ray Vaughn song: "Wall of Denial" in part,

"We've all had our demons from the garden of white lies
Dressed them amused them pullin' wool over our eyes
Go so far as to love them to keep from letting them go
All the while they we're killin' us but we couldn't let it show"

So, it all comes together for me now.

Then the final thing that came to me was how a Governor fo a state can pardon a prisoner (for being wrongfully inprisoned after finding out that he/she was really innocent all along) and I thought...I can do that too!

I can be my own Governor, sort of speak and officially pardon myself...which I have now done!!!!! 🙂

I thanked my spiritual guides for the insight and I am also thankful to Ladeska as well and hope she is doing well.

Anyway, I thought that this was pretty interesting and just thought I would share this with all of you. Thanks for reading.

Peace.

tBt

November 25, 2009
11:54 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Congrats.

Bitsy

November 25, 2009
12:06 pm
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MsGuided
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What happened with the meeting?

Did the attendees offer validation? or did you get more of "it's your fault" from a few,that led you to this revelation?

((tBt))
I'm kindof in the same place. Dealing with self doubt, shame, and still carrying remnants of my childhood neglect/scapegoating.

Making the shift to not blaming myself anymore, and moving forward is hard but a necessary step.

I miss Ladeska also but understand why she isn't around anymore. There's always the archives!

Be well!

November 30, 2009
12:21 pm
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truthBtold
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(((MsGuided)))

You asked: What happened with the meeting?

Did the attendees offer validation? or did you get more of "it's your fault" from a few,that led you to this revelation?

Well, what I did was just call them out by name: my sister, my girlfriend, my two grandmothers and my aunt and posed the question/asked for help before I feel off to sleep.

Then in the middle of the night, I woke up around 3am with the insights I describe above.

I guess the main thing I would say that made it all possible would be that I just needed to be 100% open to receive whatever 'message.'

How I know that this probably is 'support from beyond' if you will, is because I have tried it both ways as a kind of experiment.

I've tried just posing this question in general before drifting off to sleep without much success. Then I tried it as I have outlined here where I specifically posed it to my friend and relatives and it seems to have worked.

Never did I get 'it's your fault' at all from 'them.' On the contrary, it was more of my owning and finally fessing up that awful feeling to myself first - which then allowed me to question its validity in a critical and rational manner and figuring out that there is no way in the world that I am responsible for what happened to me as a child.

I don't know if I explained this clearly. It's kind of hard to articulate. Thanks for asking.

Hope you are well these days.

tBt

November 30, 2009
12:39 pm
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MsGuided
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OH! I misunderstood. Thought you had an actual family meeting face to face.

That alone made me feel anxious. If i offered up this kind of querie in My families physical presence, I know they wouldn't respond on a deep meaningful, healing level. Defensiveness and blame would swirl around. There has to be some respect, openess and honesty to do this Face to Face. It doesn't work for the scapegoat, which is my Family position.

But it makes sense to do this kind of thing, as a meditation, to draw up something from our subconcious. Something that does HEAL, bring some closure or peace.

Sometime all we can do is heal ourselves. Find the answers through other means and stop confronting them directly. Stop puttin gourselves in harms way.

It sounds like you are doing better. ME? I'm working on a few things. All is NOT well, but I'm in repair mode.

Thanks for asking also. :0)

Be Well!

November 30, 2009
1:18 pm
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truthBtold
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(((((MsGuided)))))

So sorry that all is not well. Hope you start to feel better soon.

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