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Smiles....I'll explain...
October 11, 2004
10:24 pm
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Anonymous
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As soon as you respond, ok?

Hugs,

Sunny

October 11, 2004
11:02 pm
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Hi Sunny, not to bust in on your thread to Smiles...I'm not sure if she knows where this is? Workin had a thread here awhile back and smiles had trouble finding it, not sure if she ever found it or not?

um the other thing is Smiles and I were starting to talk about how we felt after you left. It seems to have brought up some issues for us. I don't want to leave Smiles hanging out there after expressing her feelings to you b/c I felt the same way; hurt, confused, abandoned, angry and ME, well I feel like a jackass too. lol Not YOU smiles...ok?...ME. 🙂

Cause I know Sunny that you needed to do what you needed to do for yourself, you know I understand that, we all do, and I'm really happy that you seem well and are feeling phsyically better, it's just the way it seemed so final I guess, and the no goodbye thing, has something to do with it. I don't want you to end up feeling bad for taking care of yourself though, I, ugh I don't know what to say, I just had the same feelings as Smiles, and I'm not really sure why yet.

Much love,

lam

October 11, 2004
11:21 pm
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I'm sorry..I could not help it and in fact have been in contact with SC this whole time. That other person was and is still a threat, so I have to be on the watch, so to speak...I took a chance this evening with my post because I was no longer going to let that person make me feel fear for my life, once again...I had to do what I and with help from someone else here felt I had to do to ensure my safety.... I'm so very sorry you all were hurt. I tried to go the that link, that is what shut down my PC (according to the tech) I got a virus from it no matter but I felt at THAT time I could not speak freely here. It had absolutely nothing to do with anyone here, only the demon...You know..... Do you understand?
I hope so....

Much Love,

Sunny

October 12, 2004
9:51 am
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Sunny,

Glad you were in touch with SC b/c when I first contacted her at your request, she wasn't able to contact you at that time and I didn't know if you ever saw my post to that effect.

Your computer tech said you got a virus from THAT site?? um that's strange...lol It's not funny at all that you got a virus just that normally techs can't pinpoint where exactly a virus was acquired, i.e. from a link or a site that was visited, unless and until it creates a large pattern of infected computers. At least none of the ones I've worked and dealt with and unfortunately, there's been alot. That site and link was recommended to me by a professional who frequents it, as well as collegues and friends - I, myself, have frequented that site and that link countless times over the last couple of months (even at work) and again last night, with no one getting a virus. That's really strange, wow I never would've posted anything if I or anyone else ever had an inkling of a problem there. I hope ya got a good antivirus program now and some adware and spyware programs as well. Good firewall helps too. 🙂

Sunny you don't ever need to apologize to me for taking care of yourself and doing whatever you need to do to ensure your safety - ever. Ok? I do understand. I know you were hurt and struggling with things and I'm very happy that you've now ensured your safety and that you're not letting anyone make you feel fearful and that you are back here among friends who love and support you. The way the whole thing played out just brought up some issues for me but they are MY issues. Not your problem, ok?

Much love,

lam

October 12, 2004
10:41 am
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Got it! If I can help you or smiles in anyway with those feelings, let me know ok? When I went to the site (and I did see u there) I tried to "link up" but was unable. Then I got a popup, and it just shut down. He just figured since that was the last site I was on, it came from that popup. And yes, I have an almost totally new LT now heck he worked on it for 5 days with plenty of antivirus and other safety features so I'm happy. I had a total of almost 400 bugs on it, LOL.Not bad after 3 years I figure. But also, yes that person is still out there, hence my post that I'm back and the past is the past. It's good to be back!!!

Much Love,

Sunny 😉

October 12, 2004
12:26 pm
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Thank you, I'm having trouble figuring all those feelings out, my thinking is still very fuzzy at times. In the meantime, it all just sits there as it usually does, heavy on my heart, until I can figure it out and express some of it.

umm 400 'bugs' on your computer...after 3 YEARS?? umm 3 years of no virus, adware and spyware scanning I'm guessing?? Heavens man! I'm surprised you didn't crash much sooner. 🙂

um well, it may have appeared to have 'come from that popup' but that doesn't mean that whatever crashed your computer has anything to do with that site. Adware and spyware can be loaded onto your computer without you ever knowing it happened, they can change settings, change registry values, an executable file can actually download and run program files in the background as your computer's on...and you'll never know...unless you scan regularly for them (and check your program files occasionally).

One of the more obvious signs that you have adware on your computer is frequent pop ups. Some adware, etc., when you click on a site or link, can automatically redirect you to a predetermined site, it can totally redirect any url you type, you may notice that your computer is unusually slow and mistakenly blame it on it's connection to the internet. They all can do alot of different and strange things; get enough of em on your computer, or a virus (which can do alot of different/strange things too), but one of them is over time it can eventually shut down/crash your computer.

um about 400 'bugs?' He can't tell you precisely where it came from or which one even shut your computer down just from the sheer magnitude of what was on there. He can have an idea if he reads about every single one to see which ones are capable of doing it, but won't be able to tell which one did it and where you acquired that one. It doesn't matter what 'site' you happened to be on at the time, it can be from anything running in the background on your own computer and not from any site that you're actually on.

Whew, I feel better in the sense about that particular site and not having to feel guilty for infecting you! lol Between my antivirus program and two adware/spyware programs that I run quite frequently, things stay pretty clean. 🙂 Not sure if I can list what they are here or not, they're free and they work but I know we're not supposed to 'advertise' and I'm not sure if that falls into advertising?... 🙁

lam

October 12, 2004
1:18 pm
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Hey Sunny and Iam. Yeah my anti-virsus programs are free too and a big help my computer crashed a couple of times. I took everything off I mean nothing but a black screen then re-installed it to factory settings 3 times. The last time I downloaded all the virus protection and a firewall and haven't had any problems. Except last night that's why I finally gave up after having to dial up for the 4th time. But I think my server was just messed up I donno.

Okay still at work so will make this short. Sunny I also feel the way Iam does. This has brought up some personal stuff and it is MY stuff to work threw. It really has nothing to do with you sorry if it seemed that way. What happened is just what triggered it. I am happy today I can reconize as much as I do because before I couldn't. Don't worry sunny we love you.

Iam I was thinking sometime soon maybe you and I can talk on a diffrent thread and bounce things off each other. Not leaving anyone out and others that want to share can. I just really feel like we both are ment to help each other heal through our past that holds us back from living today fully. If that makes sense. There has been so much that I just truly believe we are here to teach each other things we cannot learn on out own. Okay I know I am nuts he he.

Gotta go.

((((((((((((Iam & Sunny)))))))))))))

October 12, 2004
5:21 pm
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Hi smiles!

I'll say one thing about it ok? I couldn't bring attention to myself....
OK? That is why I did not post on a certain thread?
I was dancing around trying to get certain messages ASAP, I had little time. You gals want to talk about abandonement? I think we all 3 were.

Hugs!!!

Sunny

BTW..What does that PC geek know? Like you said IAM, its a wonder it didn't crash sooner, LOL!

October 12, 2004
9:25 pm
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Ladies, just so you all know....I am so glad we are all back together.

Life is good and there is no one here who will ever threaten what is said or more important what we know and can be left unsaid.......

((((((((((LOVING HUGS FROM A SENTIMENTAL WORKINONIT))))))))))))

Lori

October 12, 2004
9:47 pm
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You too sweetheart!!!
Much Love,

S...

October 12, 2004
9:52 pm
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Hey Sunshine,

I remember you seemed very rushed and very stressed that last day you posted. Speaking for myself of course, I honestly do understand, I really do. And I realize that you can't talk about the circumstances surrounding it, ok? I know it was very hard on you too, I can only imagine and tried not to lose sight of that reality.

It did trigger ALOT of stuff for me, still trying to grasp it all. One thing I realized today was I lost touch with one of my very best friends similarly. She's one of those friends that "gets it," you know what I mean? As hard as it is for me to talk, when I can finally get something out, she just gets it, she's uncomfortable sometimes b/c she doesn't know what to say (what the heck CAN you say about some of the stuff I posted??) but she always seems to REALLY understand, b/c she's been through the shit too.

She was getting out of a dv situation, well a marriage actually. I knew him too, actually caught him cheating on her and confronted him. Anyhoo, I had helped her move while he WATCHED and finally she got away. We kept in touch and visited and talked for awhile after that. Then he found out where she moved to and she just up and moved again...without telling anyone where she was going and without a word regarding if she was really ok and safe. I didn't hear from her for 5 years...5 LONG years during which time I struggled with accepting that I'd probably never hear from her again and never really know if she was alive or dead, safe or scared...then a call out of the blue.

Basically she left to take care of herself, take time for herself, to try to get further away from him and also to not endanger any of us. Any of us that knew him and saw him (more like accidentally ran into him), she didn't want us to know so we wouldn't feel we'd have to be involved still and lie to him or have him retaliate on us in any way or badger us for info, she wanted us to be safe and be able to truthfully say, "I have no idea where she is."

Anyhoo, she's one of the VERY few people that I have truly opened my heart to and well, when she left like that, I was devastated, partly b/c I didn't know for sure if she was ok, for FIVE years and partly b/c she was my FRIEND. I told her things that I've told no others. And I loved her. And I missed her. I don't have alot of family that I feel close to anymore so I kinda think of some friends I have as "chosen" family. 🙂 She was one of my chosen family and she left.

It just really really hurt me, even though I completely and absolutely understood her reasons. I'm so happy she was able to get away and get her life back and be safe! I just wish I knew that's what she was doing. Ever since then, it's always in the back of my mind, like I don't know if she'll always be around like she says she will be. I don't want to be surprised like that again so it's always stays a possibility. I don't like feeling that b/c that safety in believing someone's words and promises to you, that TRUST I had in her word, well, I just really believed her. And then she was gone like alot of others who said they'd never do that. Hopefully in time I won't have that in the back of my mind anymore but I don't know... Anyhoo.

That's one thing that was triggered. I do not say this for you to feel bad Sunny, it took a little bit but I realized (with Workin's help) that they are my issues no matter what triggered them. Ok? I'm really glad you did what you had to do for yourself and um have I told ya I'm really happy you're back?!? lol I love you Sunshine! WELCOME BACK!! Pull up a post and stay awhile...

Hey where's Smiles tonight? Computer still crappin out on ya smiles? Don't do what Sunny did and let it all accumulate until your puter explodes!! LOL Sorry Sunny...couldn't resist. 🙂

Much love,

lam

October 12, 2004
9:58 pm
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Hiya Workin! Glad ya found us over here!!

How are you man? I missed you too lately my friend, I really have! You have this way of just getting to the heart of things and really making me think, forcing me to think when it's the last thing I wanna do. lol And that's a good thing Workin, a really good thing and I love you for it! Even though I couldn't reply to your post at the time, I read and wanted to say thank you, Workin, for redirecting my anger and hurt to finding out what it's really from and not just dwell on what triggered it. You're the BEST man! The BEST!!

And I have missed your biting wit! lol

Love you,

(((((WORKIN)))))

lam

where is smiles??

October 12, 2004
10:47 pm
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Dang! I posted and my ISP cut me off Iam....

Grrrrrrr..I'll answer tomorrow...

October 13, 2004
2:05 am
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Hey, Sunny, it's so good to see you posting. It really is.

I read this thread and boy, it was a de'javu. However one spells that.

I'd like to share a little about me that I've learned after being through a fair amount of crisis with my own ex and periodically, crisis still pops up.

I'd like to say something to everybody here,in the hopes that it might apply to feelings all of you are experiencing and hopefully help you to cope. It's not easy to be a friend to somebody going through something like this. It's not easy to be a friend to somebody when you're going through something like this.

Here goes.

There are times when I am really scared and it's really hard to know what to do. When this happens, the only way I know to make it through the day is to do what I absolutely must do to make it through the day. The smallest task seems so large: it can take me hours just to clean the kitchen kuz I wonder around the house moving things around as if I'm cleaning, in some kind of twilight zone or something. But nothing seems to really get done. My mind is going a million miles a minute. Body just kinda follows along. It just goes, and goes, replaying things, playing out scenarios, talking as if there were a bunch of people in the conversation. But, it's just me, kinda lost, wondering around the house, moving things. Sometimes I bump into things like cabinets or doors and I get so mad at myself for not paying attention. Ouch. I care very deeply for all those who are close to me. Time seems to warp: when I think "gosh I need to call so and so, or e-mail so and so or let so and so know what's goin on and that I'm okay", it seems like days and sometimes weeks and sometimes even months past. I don't know where the time goes. It's suddenly midnight days later when I pick up the phone or jump on a computer and I'm supposed to go to bed, so I try to do that instead. I'll get back to you tomorrow. I don't know where tomorrow went. It was last week I think. Probably went while I was wondering around. It takes so much emotional energy to get through the day, and then that night.

I don't have many friends anymore. Kuz ya see, friendships require nurturing, and that's fair. Those who care about me worry about me, and have the right to have me at least contact them, let them know I'm safe. I should nurture my friendships. I don't do my part. That's part of why I don't have many.

I still have some though. Haven't blown it all the way. I'm gonna see if I can explain things, and hope that they understand. I'm gonna hope, kuz that's all I can do now, at this point. And I'm gonna change.

I'm gonna make certain I keep in touch. From here on out, I'm gonna keep my feet on the ground. I'm gonna call my friend, the next time I bump into something, while I'm wondering around.

I started a garden the other day. I was sitting out on the grass "relaxing" like I'm supposed to and started pulling it up. I don't know why. It felt good though. I think it has to do with not being able to sit still, I have to be moving right now. Then there was this ugly dirt spot. So I went and got some flowers and planted them. They remind me of people I think of often. My family. My friends. People I worry about. They are so colorful. I have to go water them, or they might die, and then, so might I , I fear.

It's so late. Gosh, the sun went down hours ago. Where did the time go? I have to go to bed now. I have to make myself do that.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

free

October 13, 2004
2:11 am
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Hugs to all of you.

October 13, 2004
7:35 pm
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Hi free!!! I was wondering where you were. Are you ok? I will have to read this again when my mind is a bit rested...Because I'm not really understanding what you posted. Just very tired today.

Sunny

October 13, 2004
9:15 pm
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Yeah, I'm okay Sunny. I'm so busy right now with work.

I think that someday you will understand everything I said , Sunny. But maybe not right now.

And ya know what?
That's okay.

You take care of yourself Sunny.

free

October 13, 2004
10:24 pm
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free,

I hope I do. I know there is a message there. And I should *see* it as I am a teacher also. I hope my short response did not offend you? I certainly hope not. I just have so much going on, if you want the truth? I cannot deal with it all much longer. I have so many irons in the fire it is mind boggling..And it's killing me. I do so hope you understand. You take care too! And please, stay in touch!!!

Hugs,

Sunny

October 13, 2004
11:05 pm
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God! Dammit!! I'm so fucking pissed I don't know what to do! Jesus, (Crosses self) OMG.....That "person" is going to kill me!!! That sad sorry MF.... I don't know......I just don't... Oh man...You just don't know what this person is still trying.....

I could only say this here, even that is a fucking risk...You know what? I don't give a damn anymore!!!!

OK....I just don't...
SONOFABITCH!!!!!!!!!!
(exactly what he wants)
I have news tho...I'm going to do what I should have done before....

Night...

October 13, 2004
11:14 pm
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whoa ok I still don't know what's going on. This person is still trying...here? Not sure what the "risk" is, nothing you say here can be used against you or can even proven who said or posted what, as far as you're concerned. Free wrote you a really great post regarding that, I think on 'Petition for Sunny.' I'm not sure what I can really ask you here?!!

I'm here if you want to talk more...

lam

October 13, 2004
11:26 pm
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Yep..That person is trying everything to destroy me.... If you only knew..And yes, possibly lurking...

October 13, 2004
11:35 pm
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man I must be lost then, I didn't see anything here beyond a "homework assignment/presentation." Crap. Can you point me in a direction? I'm not sure what else I can say without saying it you know? grrrr

October 13, 2004
11:45 pm
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Just know my abuser is lurking...And doing everything in their power to bring me down..OK? If I find that person here, under any guise, I promised a certain person here I would ignore.... OK? SC knows...

October 13, 2004
11:49 pm
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And I'm sad smiles is feeling so bad..That does break my heart...Thank you, Iam..For being here. I love you and I value your friendship so much!
I just wonder what I did to deserve all this? Must be living wrong...
Nothing new....

Night sweetie!!!

((((GROUP))))

Sunny

October 14, 2004
12:02 am
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let me know if you're still on...

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