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Shaney's Spot
January 30, 2008
2:15 pm
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Shaney
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HA! That's funny, gg. I hope that you're okay as well. Wishing the best for you, my friend :o).

(((gg)))

January 30, 2008
3:10 pm
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Hi, (((Shaney))),

I guess the novelty wore off! My dearest ones here are doing fine and my feedback elsewhere seems a waste of time. Not interested whether thats my problem, whose problem, that just is. One of the things I noticed is that there are a lot of codependence issues with partners. Mine is with my family and there is a lot less about that.

I also got a bit tired of therapy and let go of that, too. Just dont have the time right now. Less time less mischief, less thinking, less need for therapy. Funny, now I have some money but I need some to put a tooth implant in, get some muscle contractures worked on, go to the gym to lose weight (never happened before) and buy my medication plus some stomach and head OTC for nervousness with work. So money goes. I dont want just any therapy. I want to spend my time and money well on something that important.

My family is doing ok. I spend a weekend with 2 of my 4 siblings and their families. The nephews around 20 y.o. entertained the kids around less than 10 y.o. I dont know if it is only work that worried me but I had a migraine and threw up. Its taken me up to today to feel up to speed. I know Im slow but it did have something to do with the agitation though it was mostly positive. My sis, h and kids are going to Disney tomorrow (Orlando); parents go as guides, deal thing, grandparents paid for the kids). My practicall pennyless bro was looking for free mileage on the PC to fly the 2 around 20 y.o. boys to the other end of the country, maybe visit my alcoholic brother (and learn to drink more beer). One of the boys needs a job, quit the one exploiting im cause he was a trainee (12hs+ work, no pay) but heck its Summer, fun first?

So there is always some circus to cover up the sour issues. My hunch is we were stuffing some of the stuff. Then again, its clear we haven´t learned how to talk. We don´t even take turns, one after another goes unanswered, kids nag and call repeatedly.

My kitten still hasn´t learned to be social. Runs from people but is after me the whole time and ask for a lap ride now and then when hes not sleeping. Knows who feeds him but still bites, not outgrowing that. My calves can tell from the marks he leaves. Still, a great company.

So, you see, Shaney, and that goes for LL, Ella, GG, and all the people that have been so supportive: I enjoy too much writing here, always take the time and energy. This gets addictive. I can see how people here with huge issues, with children, 9-5, 8-6 wahtever jobs have other restrictions and appreciate your time with me.

hugs to all

January 30, 2008
3:13 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Sini...

I know that we have never really gotten to know each other....just know that I DO care.

((((((Sini)))))))

I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying about the site...I do.

January 30, 2008
3:36 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there sini -

Wow, we all have family issues.If we didn't, we wouldn't be picking the men that we do, and we surely wouldn't be here talking about it.

My mom came over this weekend for just one evening. She was lonely, which makes me sad. My brother is a big Narcissist that never calls her, so she breaks down and calls him, only to catch him sleeping. He was rude to her, and hung up after saying, "I'm sleeping... bye." He hasn't talked to her since Christmas day. He's a jerk who isn't interested in the family, until he needs a massage, or his wife needs a facial - then they call my mom. I wish she had someone that she really enjoyed, who really appreciated her. I'm praying that will eventually happen. When she was over, we made dinner and watched a movie. She brought her two dogs and one of them we had to corral in the kitchen because she was SO hyper. My dogs were extremely stressed out, but it was nice to see my mom. We all have family issues, and drama. Oh well. Communication is easy with my dad and my mom, but my brother is hard to communicate with. You can't tell him something he doesn't already know, and that's frustrating. I feel exhausted after talking with him, and the funny thing is that we never go deep into any subject really. He's got this intense personality that just zaps my energy.

I'm glad you have some extra money to get your dental work done. I was thinking about that recently. I need to go to the dentist too. I have been avoiding that for a while. But since we only get one set of teeth in our life time - I'd better put some time into finding a new dentist.

I understand feeling addicted to writing our thoughts here. I used to write a lot more. No I don't have the energy that I once had. Especially when there isn't anyone around, it seems that all that writing if for nothing. Making friends outside of here is always important, but not always that easy. I know how hard that can be. Here's what I wanted to tell you..The isis thread that mich started has some interesting thoughts on friendship - and I know that Mich has even MORE to share on the subject of finding friends - you should pay attention - even if you don't plan to write here for a while, you should still read that thread. At least until you find info that is useful. I'm around, if you want to chat.

January 30, 2008
3:57 pm
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ggfred4
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Nice seeing you Sini!!! I remember many conversations with LovingLife together!!!

January 30, 2008
4:18 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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((((Shaney, Sini, gg)))) I am just a damn huggin fool today...

January 30, 2008
5:07 pm
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(((Shaney)))
(((GG)))
(((Mitch)))

Oh, Shaney, you´re right, we all have family codependence issues. I can imagine how arduous it is to get a conversation with your bro. So glad you could enjoy being with your mom and dealing with the dogs. Its all worth it when we are having fun. My two bros are hard to talk to just like your bro, the exception being when they take on the macho protectors´ role of the Latin culture. Other than that you´d better agree with them so the "non dialog" is over soon. Sure it isnt the healing way to go, though.

I looked over Isis´thread. And you´re right about Mich, she does know how to make friends. She opens up to people, risks her feelings, bonds with people through her charism.

I have a hard time doing that. I always have a feeling that things are very very very temporary, including friendships. Of course it doesnt help me to bond wth people. And Im very brainy and analytical, they say virgos are like that. This is the place to reach out to people´s heart, though.

I should try to follow the stories of you guys, maybe in that whats your story thread. I know more abut GG, remember some from Mich, but nothing about Isis. I shied away as I thought I couldnt help with the specific issues, then I didnt follow up and lost track who is who. Its really bad to mix up people. I almost never do that even if they have the same last name, but here in the board, I didnt think Id stay ehis long. Nevertheless...its too hard to stay away from a "wicked sister", isn´t it? Ill check back with you guys.

January 30, 2008
5:27 pm
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Isis, your name is Susan in Portuguese, my language. My name is the reverse. Im a Susana in English...

Mich, I did tell you you got me 99% right. Im just wondering how you do that...

January 30, 2008
5:27 pm
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Shaney
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Oh boy... two brothers? I can hardly handle the ONE I have. I don't talk to him much anymore. Just around the holidays. We used to be such good friends, and talk quite a bit. But then he got married. That's a story I'll have to tell you some day. Not pretty!

My husband is a virgo too! The 6th of September. I don't know if he's a textbook virgo, like the horoscopes read. Are you?

Yep, there have been some good friendships made here on AAC. Although I don't know a lot about Isis's life either, I do know that she has really helped Mich recently. I'm really looking forward to reading the letter that Mich has written to Isis. Keep your eyes peeled - I imagine we will all be able to take something from it, and use it in our own lives. I hope you're not taking your break from here just yet. :o) Whether on this site, or on the outside, it's always good to reach out. Never be afraid to do so. You're a likable gal, sini - people would be happy to have you as a friend :o)!

Yeah, how did you like that wicked step sister comment? But that's how I felt back then! They were all so sweet to eachother, and here I was, sarcastically poking at their bond. I think twice now, and rarely use that sort of sarcasm when there are genuine feelings involved. I didn't get it then, but I'm glad that I do now.

January 30, 2008
5:31 pm
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Shaney
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Hey sini - I was sitting here thinking of all the names I knew that started with an S. So are you a Susan too? Or Susana? I was thinking something very Portuguese, like Sofia or Sabina.

January 30, 2008
5:54 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Hey Sini,

How do I do that?? I don't really know. Well, Isis, I can explain that a little bit...but, it was fun to mess with her head just a little. She actually posted her name ONE time. I caught it.

Other than that...It is the way that I perceive personalities. Really. I don't know. I read a LOT more into many of these posts than words. With each personality I can see a face...and a body style. I know that sounds silly, but it is true.

Hey Sini, I think that it is impossible that we can all know everything about anyone on this site. I don't think you or any of us should hold that against ourselves. We have to remember in all reality we are here for ourselves.

But, then we form friendships, (AKA cliques) :o) and then we learn to really care about people. We understand certain people, certain people understand us better than others. DOes that make sense?? There are many situations on here, I don't feel that I can relate to really. SO...I stick to the ones that I can.

I don't think that there is really a right or a wrong, but...just a it is what it is. Doesn't make us bad...I don't think. Just as I said to you earlier, I don't know a LOT about you, but, I DO care. So, if I can offer a hug sometimes, I do. Sometimes, I am so wrapped up in what is going on in my own life, that I struggle to help someone else in theirs.

I just think this site is what we make of it. I think if you keep reading what I post to Isis here sometime soon....you will get an idea of what I mean. People here mean a lot to me...a LOT. I wish this wasn't all it could be.

Anyway...just my thoughts....

((((Sini))))

January 30, 2008
7:07 pm
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Shaney, Im a Susan. But I like your choices for me... And almost a textbook virgo when it comes to analysing things and organization - such an organization freak that I cant be happy with any organization, so Im many times on square one of organizing ;O I dont think I could be as sweet as the sisters. More sarcastic about it on the surface, too. Totally wicked were you not; your comments have helped me so much! I like that you dont keep to yourself all that you think cuz you hit nails on the head and can still be very empathetic. Ok, lets keep an eye for Isis´s letter.

Michie, you naughty, you knew Isis´s name... So you do well in reading between the lines. Thats a very needy skill here cuz Latin people are very indirect. So cliques are friends, hmm, I was wondering. Certainly its impossible not to find affinity with some more than others. We put our feeings and toughts on the lines (pun)! It strikes me that you felt unsure of criminal law cuz when my behind hurts from sitting at the PC translating, I feel Im not cut out for it. Well, every métier has its downside. ll keep an eye out for your letter to Isis.

((((girls))))

January 30, 2008
8:12 pm
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Isis
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OK ladies...

I'm BACK!

Geesh, what a freaking day I had.

You were correct Shaney- I was in school.

And as soon as I got home, I had to run my two youngest boys off to Boston for hockey practice. My husband usually deals with the boys and I usually handle my daughter. However, today, he went to her game because it's not until 9:00 tonight. I'm just too wiped out to be travelling from Boston all the way back to Cape Ann. I have to work tomorrow- another 12 hour shift.
Grrr....

School was grueling today- I was assigned to a real pip of a grumpy old man.

Anything that could have gone wrong did go wrong. I was on my own, and in the end, it all went very well.

He's a very difficult patient, but in the end he took a liking to me, and wants me to check back in on him Friday. That's pretty good, considering he tosses just about everyone right the heck out of his room.

Hi Sini, it's a pleasure to meet you. I am a Susana- half Greek and half Jewish. I know, what a mix! Everyone just calls me Susie... with an "S", not a Z!

So, Miss Michy, what gives? You OK? Been thinking about you, and noticing that you've been sort of quiet lately.

Talk to me babe- I'll be around. Laptop on in hand, chilling by the fire.

(((My ladies)))

Love you all,

Isis

January 30, 2008
10:15 pm
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Isis, I like Susie. Im a Su, or x-Sus as xh called me. Some people here call me Susi. And they all tend to write Suzi and Suzan (it with a z) so I see why you remarked on that. I got Michie´s leter to you. Shaney noted Id get something about friendship from it.

Hey, Shaney, you see that.

Blown away...

Fligh attendants say in life everything PASSes, just like PASSengers... Ok, its funnier in Portuguese... 😉

January 30, 2008
10:17 pm
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Shaney
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I saw Sini.... did you?

January 30, 2008
10:25 pm
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Shaney
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Sorry about your bad day, Isis... but so glad it ended well for you. I'm also glad that you made it back here too. You were missed!

Boston must be beautiful this time of year. We get some snow around the mountains here, but not much. The first day that the sun shines after a rain, it usually melts away. In fact, the mountains were covered on Monday, and today it's gone :o(. Well, hope all is well, Isis. I admire you for being able to work, go to school, and have a family. You must be exhausted! Plus, don't you have animals too?

February 1, 2008
10:46 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Just posting this because I can....and because I want you guys to at least read this...I will not post regularly...but, I felt this was worth posting....

Dear Jay,

I really am not even sure where to start this letter.

I love you, and I have for a very long time. My love for you is something that I have never questioned. Now, what that means right now, I am not sure. You keep asking me if there is any hope for our marriage. You want me to answer a question, that I can’t. This isn’t my choice alone. While you may be ok with things just as they are, I am anything but.

Do I really think that you think things are great? No. Do I think that there are things that you would like to see change? Yes, I do. But, the things that I need to change, require work. On both of our parts. Neither one of us can do this alone. While I think in our own ways, we have both tried. The problem is this, neither way is working.

So, does that mean that we have to do this together? In my mind, to some degree, yes. To some degree, No. There are things that we need to work on ourselves that are NOT the responsibility of the other one. I am not your responsibility, and you are not mine.

I take care of four kids, and myself. That is not to say that you don’t help with the kids. Please don’t read that into what I said. But, with all of the choices that I make, and all of the things that I need to do to take care of me….I can not be responsible for you as well. I just can’t. I don’t have the emotional ability to deal with me at this time, much less to deal with you as well.

I have spent many nights trying to ignore the things going on, hoping that they will pass. They haven’t, they have only compounded into bigger problems. The truth of the matter is this, I can’t change you. And you can’t change me. Some times those things need to change, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they can’t. Sometimes we don’t want them to. Sometimes, those two people have to know when to say enough is enough. For themselves, for each other, and for the children that they have together. Is that ultimately what I want? No. It really isn’t. But, with all that is going on right now, can I promise that it won’t come to that? NO. I can’t.

I have a lot of things Jay that I need to work on. Within myself, for myself, and for my family. That includes you. So, in 15 months, lets talk about what I have done to begin to change those things. I have started therapy with Jim. I have started group therapy. I found a website full of people who have been through the same kind of things that I went through in my past. I have tried to reach out to people about my anger at God. I have people that are praying that someone will walk into my life that I can talk to about that. Someone that doesn’t really know me, someone that won’t just say “I understand”. I have started going back to school. In going back to school, I registered for 2 classes this semester that are child development classes, because I want to be a better mom.

For many years there have been things that I have wanted. For a long time, that I put on hold for this family. Not because I felt like I had to, but because I felt like I was doing right by my family. I thought that our kids deserved me to be home with them. I thought that is what you wanted. That IS what I wanted. I never had my mom, and you always had yours. You wanted what you had and I wanted what I never had. So, I did it. For many years we didn’t have an option. With the health problems that we faced with our children I couldn’t have held a full time job. Within 6 years, we have as a family been through 22 surgeries. Some of them, life threatening. We have heard that our kids could die. We have been told that our kids could have life threatening illnesses. We have been down an uphill road when it comes to that.

Do I feel as though I was the only one stressed through all of that? No, I don’t. I know that it wasn’t easy when Arica was in Detroit, and you were here, trying to work and maintain life here. With two kids, that were used to having there mommy every day. You were used to your wife being around all of the time. Did I ever once feel like you failed me there?? No. Not once. Do I believe that was tough on you?? Yes, I do. You had to work. Your heart wanted to be in Detroit. I KNOW that. I do. That was a very tough time for both of us. BUT, we did what we had to do to survive that time in our lives. And we did. Everyone said in that, that if it didn’t kill us, that it would make us stronger. Well, I thought then that we were put to the test. We had no idea of the things that would result from that one surgery. Despite the opinions of EVERYONE around us on how we had made the wrong decision, WE knew that we hadn’t. And that was a choice that we had made together. We had no way to know how it would turn out.

Life is like that Jay. We have no way to know how it will turn out. What the choices we make will result in. Sometimes it goes as planned, sometimes it doesn’t. This goes back to our marriage Jay. You want me to tell you whether or not there is hope. I can’t. I know that if things don’t change, the answer to that question is no. I can’t live like this.

I do NOT think that you are a horrible monster. I don’t. All of our marriage, no matter how pissed I have been, I have always said that you have had some wonderful qualities. I believe that. Some that I think that very few men possess. Special ones. The problem for me right now is this, as much as I love the good qualities, the pain from some of the others far outweighs the good right now.

You say that I don’t talk. In everything that I said Monday night after Kim left, I feel ZERO validation. None. As if I don’t have the right to be angry about any of this. You took NO responsibility for yourself that night. NONE. I am not your mother, I am not going to make your choices for you. You said that you said a few months ago that you were willing to take a parenting class. Cool. I was happy to hear that. You thought that I would do it for you. I may have even said that I would. The truth is, you should have been doing it yourself. It isn’t my responsibility to make sure you are doing what you need to be doing. You know how to use a phone book, you know how to make phone calls. Quit waiting for me to do it.

Yes, you did say that you would take a parenting class. You NEVER admitted that the way that you treat the kids is wrong. You never admitted that to me, UNTIL protective services walked into our lives. So, do you really believe that what you were doing was wrong, or do you know that you are being put in a position of having to say it in order to get them off your back. That night, you told me that you didn’t care about there being a CPS case open on you/us. Whatever the case may be. REALLY?? That isn’t something that you should be proud of. Do I think that you are proud of it?? No, but one might think that it would bother you. It shouldn’t be something that doesn’t bother you. I don’t know how serious you really are taking this, or not. I don’t. I am taking it very serious.

I have spent several years telling you that it bothers me. That what you are doing is wrong. Regardless of my feelings, that it is illegal. I spent MANY days telling you that I wouldn’t do it again. To ignore it once again, the next time that it happened. Because I felt like I had to in order to save my family, to save my marriage. You always said that it wasn’t a big deal, that I made a bigger deal out of it than was necessary. My feelings didn’t matter. Nothing did, until someone came in and told you that you have to change. The law. It took the law, your wifes feelings didn’t matter enough to you. That kills me. It makes me angry in a way that there are not words. An anger that right now, I have no forgiveness for.

That Wednesday night, you asked me what the hardest part of all of this was for me. I said, the fact that they walked in here and told me that I am no better for you because I allowed it to happen. That was a feeling that clearly validated everything that I have told myself about not being a good mother for the last 11 years. I failed my kids, to protect you. To protect my marriage. Four kids, that couldn’t protect themselves. A feeling that I all too well remember. Jay, the sad part is this. That happened, those words were said….and I had EVERYTHING to do with you being turned in that day. So, even when I made the choice to do what was right by those kids, I still got lambasted. Destroyed. If it weren’t for that, I don’t know that we wouldn’t have lost our kids that night. I don’t.

Now, you can say whatever you want about Aryns lip. The truth of the matter is, I pretty much believe your story. The problem is this, she still told people that day that you hit her in the mouth. Including me. The truth is, it wouldn’t be something that would really be out of the realm of possibility. I didn’t bother to ask you. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I am tired of asking you, and talking to you about something that you could truly care less how I feel about. The fact is, I knew that two weeks prior to this situation, your son threw up in the bedroom and refused to tell you out of fear of you. That kills me. You didn’t see the look on his face when those words came out. Not that I think that it would have mattered all that much. I had told you for years that I would turn you in myself. So I did what I have been telling you and myself that I was going to do. What I should have done a long time ago. Truly for the kids, for me, and truly for you. I had a sense of pride about doing the right thing. You would have been turned in on that same day irregardless of the situation because I had already talked to someone who I knew had to report what I told them. Someone I trusted. I couldn’t take it anymore. I have told you and told you that is what I was going to do. I had never done it, well, really done it. I had talked to someone last May, but, I couldn’t control that they didn’t do anything about it. I can’t stop you on my own. I have proven that. I was tired of telling you what I was going to do. You get irritated because I say that I am going to do this, and I am going to do that, and it doesn’t get done. Well, I am tired of it too. So, there….I did it. I turned you in. I am sick and tired of the crap that goes on when I am not around.

You are mad because I supposedly treated you as though you may be abusing the kids every time I walk out the door. Well, No, I don’t think that you do. I don’t. But, I don’t know when it is going to happen. That makes it tough to walk out the door. To me, it feels like just about the time that I get comfortable leaving again is about the time that it happens. Is it fair to me that I have to think about that every time that I walk out the door. I don’t think that it is. You may say that it is something that I don’t have to worry about, yet, you prove over and over that it is. That it is something that I have to worry about.

Many people have said to me in this that the truth is, I only know of the times that there is proof. Are there other times?? I don’t know. I can’t answer that. I only know what I see the proof of. I know that the possibility exists that you lose your temper more often that I am aware of, I just don’t know because there is no evidence. The CPS worker said that, the police officer made that point, among a couple of others. So, while you think that I am out of line, I know that I am not. No matter how much you want me to believe that I am.

When you called your dad that night that Kim was here, you said that CPS got involved because of a cut in Aryns mouth that really didn’t happen the way that she said that it did. No, that is wrong on so many levels. CPS got involved because of 7 years worth of incidents that happened that you did do. From putting Arica through a window, to disconnecting the spark plugs on my car, to fingerprints on Alexs neck, to Alex peeing his pants, to kicking Arica in the stomach. The list goes on, but, I am just reminding you of some of the incidents that brought CPS to our door. Not, one story that Aryn told that didn’t happen the way that she said it did.

Your thing now is that I don’t talk to you. You are right Jay. I don’t. I don’t feel validated in anything that I say. I don’t feel heard, I don’t feel respected, and I don’t feel validated. In three years the only thing that you have listened to was my threat of suicide in 2005. That was because Judy called you or emailed you or whatever it was at the time. Was it really real to you? I took a test Jay of 567 true or false questions that can tell if you are lying to determine that I was at a risk of 93 out of 100 of committing suicide. They were worried. You think that I am being dramatic. No, that is how I felt. I have feelings. You don’t have to understand them all. You don’t. I don’t need you to. But, YOU told me that you didn’t want to know.

Your telling me that you didn’t want to know killed me. You don’t want to know? Why, because of what it might make you feel? Whether I wanted to tell you or not, was it really fair to tell me that you don’t want to know. You would think for something that affects us in so many ways, you may want to know. You may want to know why I am as screwed up as I am. Why I cry. Why I won’t talk. Why I can’t sleep. Why I don’t want to do anything. Why sex is a nightmare for me. Why I don’t want you to touch me.

Whether it has been your intent or not, your lack of validation has destroyed me. It has literally ripped my heart to pieces. I am left to try to put those pieces back together. Because I can’t ask you to help me. Many times Jay that something has been HUGE important to me, you have ignored it at all costs.

Examples: Nick. Whether Nick went to prison as he should have or not is irrelevant. Apparently $26,000 and a good attorney can really make a difference. But Jay that doesn’t change the fact that Nick admitted to putting his dick into an 8 year olds mouth. Multiple times. I made it CRYSTAL clear that I didn’t want him alone with our kids, yet you turned around and let them get into a vehicle with him. That was the worst thing you have ever done to me. Without ever telling you what I went through as a kid, you proved that you will never validate me. You think that he wouldn’t do it to family, give me a break. MOST people that are molested are molested by people they know, or family. People that SHOULD be able to trust them.

I could keep going, but I think you are getting the point. So, you want me to tell you about the many nights that I lay in bed waiting…knowing what was coming. The nights that I was raped, vaginally, anally, or whatever?? You want me to tell you about being forced to perform oral sex, and then forced to swallow it….because it turned him on? You want me to talk about the feelings that I had that when all of this started at 10 that my mother was sitting in the room?? You want me to tell you the number of times I was molested in a vehicle? Or in public under the table. There were people that saw that Jay. NOBODY PROTECTED ME. NOBODY VALIDATED ME. You haven’t validated any other thing that I have ever said….now you want me to open up. To tell you the truth about what happened to me.

The way you have not respected my feelings about any of this, Nick, you hitting the kids, or whatever…makes me feel the same as I did as a kid in a lot of ways. The difference now is this, I am 31 years old, and I am tired of it. I AM DONE. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

What you want in this life is to live in a stick built house, and have the luxuries that we don’t have. I don’t think that is bad. I don’t. BUT…what I want is to be happy. If we can’t be happy here, we aren’t going to be happy anywhere else. It is only going to add stress. I want to build a happy home. I don’t give a damn about where we live. We could live in a cardboard box for all I care…but, if we are happy, that is the foundation to build on. We don’t have that foundation. Until we do, I don’t want to even worry about what is next in that way.

You said that you have felt that since I started school that you were waiting for divorce papers. You say that you didn’t do anything about it because I don’t talk. Did you ever try talking to anyone else? Did you ever show me that you wanted things to be better? Bringing home a candy bar and a card doesn’t make everything go away. You didn’t cause that pain, I didn’t expect you to fix it. Your attempt was wonderful. I bragged about it for a long time to many people. That is one of those things that I don’t know that I would ever find again. But, if I had to choose between the candy bar and a relationship where I felt believed, accepted, and validated and loved unconditionally…I would take the latter half of that. It takes more than being cute and sweet to keep a marriage going.

No matter how hurt I am, how angry I am, how much I don’t trust you….you never struggle to ask for sex. I KNOW, I KNOW, to you…it is the answer to stress. Why do you think that I still do it at all? I fear what an asshole you will be if I stop that all together. I don’t want to be touched. Partially due to my past, and partially due to where my relationship is with you. I am having sex with someone that doesn’t respect me, doesn’t validate me, and doesn’t care what my feelings are as long as they are getting a piece of ass to satisfy you. What about the stress it causes me to do it? The pain? Remember, I have had sex with those feelings before. Do I think that you have ever abused me sexually, NO. But, I still suffer from the same feelings. I feel used.

Jay, I love you. That has NEVER been a question in my heart. There have been times that I have really not liked you, there have been times that I have flat out hated you. But, there was always a part of me that loved you. ALWAYS.

I told you that I didn’t get married to fail, and I didn’t. But, I can’t do it alone. You want me to talk, it better start to matter. Now, you have heard all of my feelings, it is time for YOU to do something with them. You didn’t register me for my classes, you don’t set my appointments with Jim, You don’t drive me to group on Tuesdays, I do them because I know that is what I need to be doing. For me, and for the long term benefit of my family. It is time for you to own up to your part in this and do what you need to do. You make the calls for bowling, you make the calls for soccer, you make the calls for softball….you make them if that is what you want. So, I know that if this is what you want, you will be able to do what you need to do. I will not do it for you. I will support you, I will stand beside you….I will not lead you. I will not do it for you. I am not going to tell you what steps I think you need to take from here. You need to do that. I got the ball rolling, now, you need to either keep kicking it….or pop it. I can’t do this alone. I have been trying for too long. I know that you feel the same way….but, I am the one taking steps to better myself… I know that it isn’t happening as quick as you would like it to, and I am sorry for that. Unfortunately, I came with baggage. You knew it was there when we got married.

I love you Jay. I have hope. I do. BUT….it isn’t up to me to handle your end of this anymore. It is time for you to take the job of taking care of yourself. You keep saying you don’t want to be like your dad. Then don’t. That is a man that sees his ways as right, no matter what, and will do NOTHING for himself. You have the ability Jay. Now, you just have to use it. I believed in us when we got married. I still believe in us. BUT…it is going to take two. This program with Kim, I believe in it. I believe that it can better us as parents, as a family. BUT, I don’t think that it fixes the root of your problem. Anger.

If you want to know if I want this to work , the answer is yes. If I didn’t, I would not have turned you in myself. I wouldn’t have pushed for this. I would have told you that night when you asked that what I wanted was for you to leave. Sure, a big part of me wanted that. A big part. BUT, there is still a part of me that wants to work through this. That wants to be a family. That wants my husband to be who he used to be. That wants to love like I once did. Can it happen?? I don’t know. How bad do we want it?

Mandy

February 1, 2008
11:18 pm
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Shaney
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Good for you, my firend. The only thing that freaks me out a little, is the fact that you;re admitting that YOU'RE the one that turned him in. Is that really necessary?

February 1, 2008
11:33 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Shaney,

I do believe that it is. The reason for that is this...

I told him and told him that I was going to do something about it. I need him to know that I am not fucking around with him anymore. And I am not.

What is he going to do?? Retaliate?? That is ok too. Then I have the reason to go.....

What is he gonna do?? Kick my ass? It is all good. I believe in my heart..that he needs to know that I am serious about all of this. I am...

I did what I had to do. And I am NOT sorry for it.

((((Shaney)))))

Love you girl...

February 2, 2008
11:39 am
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bevdee
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(((Spitfire)))

February 2, 2008
1:15 pm
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Shaney
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"Then I have the reason to go.."

Deep down, is that what you're looking for? A reason to go? If your heart really isn't into this, then it's okay. There are enough reasons already, to go, if that's what you want. You don't have anything to prove by staying. What is it that you really want?

February 2, 2008
1:57 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Now Shaney...

I love you...

I will get back to ya on that...

I think that you know the answer, some days I think that I do, sometimes I don't.

Why do I feel such a need to try??

Because I feel like a failure if I can't at least say that I tried?? I don't know...I really don't.

Why do I feel the need to convince the rest of the world that I want to try? Why am I trying to convince myself that I should try?

I don't know. But, what I do know is this, I am NOT happy. I am just not.

BUT...there are things that I love about him...there are.

February 2, 2008
2:10 pm
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Earth Mother -

I will pose a question to you.

"Why am I trying to convince myself that I should try?"

"BUT...there are things that I love about him...there are."

Do those things that you love outweigh what has happened within and to your family - that which he still will not accept responsibility for?

February 2, 2008
6:33 pm
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Gosh, ((((M))), I was so happy that you were still a family and now I read this letter it breaks my heart. I vividly remember why I couldnt keep up with your posts. Memories of the times with my mom and dad together. The reason I was happy for you is that its so important to have your mom and your dad together. Plus I adored my dad so I suffered with my parents separation. Not only I wasnt mom´s fav but also there was a separation of families/cousins. I felt for a while that my alcoholic and physically and verbally aggressive father was just a flawed person but still lovable. He was so nice to me. Of the five kids, he picked on my older brother who turned out to be a very very harsh guy who beat his children, too. My younger brother, who was 5 when my parents separated, also believes in spanking, he saw my older brother as an example/father. Anyways. I thought my dad could change, we could be a family and I could overcome all the psychological damage my mom did to me (saying Im just like my fatehr). Not so. For one dad died an alcoholic, with feelings of righteoudness and superiority... to me he was a charm, I was his soul mate. For me, he didnt need to change, he behaved with me!

What Im saying is, how much change is needed for Jay to treat everyone right? And are you gonna be really happy with some change? Does he expect a prize? Ok, keeping a family together is great. If possible. Nowadays theres a new family world order. Kids have two dads, four granddads, etc. and think its the norm. When people have class reunions/whatever and you say you have four kids, dont they ask you if they are all from the same father? What Im saying is, maybe you got to rethink the sticking together thing. As an adult I see that my mom did the right thing and admire her bc she loved my dad to death. They are buried together bc she wanted it so. But she didnt want the occasional whenagain damage for herself (beating). I only wish those were different days when good schools didnt ask the mom if she was separated bc then they wouldnt enroll the kids...

I realize Jay had a stay home mother but he certainly didnt have a great upbringing in anger management and that came from somewhere. Is this anger gonna lessen? If not you have a reason to leave... NO! You have a reason to leave now, if you want. But before you do that, PLAN on it. Your different attitude is gonna show, if Jay improves, great, back to plan A stay, but if not, you will be more prepared, bc it isnt easy. Im divorced for ten years almost. I remember the good married times. But the psychological games and control are really not worth it. I need my true identity and Im gonna get it if Im alive. Please have a plan B and dont shoe him the letter. Dont threaten him. Dont warn him. Think of yourself and your kids. Youre not failing him. Hes failing himself.

Love you (((M))),

S

February 2, 2008
6:35 pm
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Sorry, I gotta be more careful with the bold...

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