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Sew Should I Report This?
March 20, 2006
4:05 am
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sewunique
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It is back haunting me. Should I report my suspiscions? Am I far too far into imaginary illusions of pictures I have in hand?

The pictures I found the ex took of women photgraphed in our home. Of a girl who was supposed to have pictures taken for her fiance. Pictures I found were seductive poses while scantily clothed of her; several outfits. She was in his sixth grade class and six years later, she is contact with him for this type of picture taking? Suspiscious to me.

I was at the sheriff's office three times; some g/f must have reported the pictures I found is my guess. I turned over what pictures I had, but no names; they were dressed and could not prove this one past student was under 18, nor her name.

His principle is his 'buddy' and helpless sort of man.

The case is closed. My ex refused to answer the phone when the sheriff called him for questioning. They will do nothing further without reasonable proof where they would arrest him. done deal.

I called the National Abuse Center. They suggest calling school principle to report (that is out of the question). The next step was to contact the school board. That is scsary and risky to me; I want to remain annonymous, (please), my daughter and my grandchildren would be mortified if they knew I did this and nothing came of it.

What is wrong with me? This must be obession? Why can I not let it go? I question the seriousness of his actions and my thoughts of exagerating and interpreting what he did was acceptable of consenting adults. I question if there was more than what pictures I did find?

I showed the pictures to my dad, finally. He does think there was something that happened with the ex and my daughter. (EX h is my daughter's step parent). My step sister saw the pictures and actually gasped at what she saw. Does this validate my suspiscions? Yes and then I question mysself and what I think.

I am seriously thinking about contacting the school board annonymously or the newspaper. Not sure, just not sure. What is I am right? Then again, what if I am wrong?

It is after 3 AM. I have started on ambien sr for two weeks. Sleep has become a foreign monster; I am so stiff, the bed feels like it is a board. Taking the ambien the past two weeks has given me sleep at least; where I should be going now.

I am so confused about this a year and a half later. More questions and no answers.

sew

March 20, 2006
11:36 am
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Worried_Dad
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In my state, a professional's obligation to report child abuse ends when the victim reaches the age of majority.

March 20, 2006
11:54 am
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sewunique
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WD

That was quite an abbreviated point.

So much for my progress to reality.; for all that I put out on this thread, sounds like I should swallow it and walk away. Interesting,.

Seew

March 20, 2006
12:17 pm
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WD

You missed my entire ppoint. Your tone to my post has changed from when I first posted about this a year ago. Is it me then? My delusion of this situation of the pictures and what my ex did?

Professional who are obligated to report abuse? You recall my profession. What does my profession have to do with his profession? Nothing. You make a mute point.

The age of majority? ah! forget about past abuser's activity; the victim moves on and that's it?

You sing a song about how you hate abusers. You have elaborately expoundde long apologies from your othere thread, then post a new thread about apoplogies. Yet you appear to dismiss my entire point and feelings on this thread in one sentence. I am not projecting here, I feel diregarded and not respected here. I am not happy with you WD. That hurt.

I feel like that dark pit is waiting to swallow me in again. Or just swallow all that I posted at the beginning of this thread and walk away.

Tell me, how the blazes does a Mr. Wonderful teacher have a student return six years later and allow such pictures to be taken? What was the draw that drew this person back? Should I post the pictures and you see for yourself? (no, just a question). What he did was wrong.

Sew

March 20, 2006
1:38 pm
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kathygy
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Sew,

I have to agree with WD. If these women are over 18 then they are consenting adults. It is not against the law for a man to take nude or suggestive photos of women over 18 who have consented to the photography.

It is not uncommon for women to go to get suggestive photos to give to thier significant other.

This makes it none of your business.

Where does your daughter come into this? How old is your daughter? Have you talked to her?

March 20, 2006
1:50 pm
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sewunique
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Kathygy

This is complicated and many posts when I started here back in OCT 2004 when I was getting my divorce. I am not going into all that here. It is all in my old posts.

You said; "This makes it none of your business."

None of my business? This happened when I was married...in my home. I thought this was to be a place of support and healing?

I am out of heere.

March 20, 2006
2:29 pm
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sew,

I didn't know that this happened in your home while you were married. I don't remember your previous posts about this. You can't just assume people will remember what you said in the past without a short review.

What your ex did is still not against the law unless he abused women under age 18. If your es-husband did this behind your back then its bad for the marriage.

I know of many photographers who take these kinds of photos without hurting thier marriages as long as they don't cross any sexual boundaries.

If he took suggestive photos of your daughter I can understand your outrage. But you didn't answer my questions about your daughter. Have you talked to her about this? Do you have any evidence that she was involved?

If you want help here you just may have to repeat some of what you said in the past. I can't read your mind but would like to help you if I can.

March 20, 2006
2:40 pm
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Sew,

You misunderstand me. This situation bugs me too, and I definitely have compassion for your situation.

I don’t really know what you should do, and don’t feel like it is my place to tell you what to do.

I thought a description of a law which holds professionals to higher standards of accountability than non-professionals would be a good starting point.

At this point you are really dealing with “suspicions” about a crime that may or may not have happened…how long ago?

You can’t really do anything about people who have been victimized and then gone on to become adults.

Where you do have an ethical leg to stand on here would be concern for current or future victims.

But if you don’t have evidence of current wrongdoing, I’m not sure what options you have.

Is there any way that you can estimate the likelihood of repetition of the inappropriate behaviors? As I recall, your ex met these girls because they were friends of your kids? Does he still have the same contact with and access to young people? Is there any way you can confirm current misbehavior?

I am all for you doing what you can. But I also worry about your serenity regarding things you are powerless to control, and a little worried that yu may be "borrowing trouble."

March 20, 2006
3:09 pm
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Kathy,

My frustration is coming out I suppose.

He did this while we were married. It was the cluntcher for me and I was at the deepest point of my life and trying to figure out what was gooing on, was this abuse to me or was I just imagining things as he said. It was all crazymaking I see now.

As for the pictures, he lied as to his intention of what he was up to. That was the clinthcher right there when I found the pictures.

My daughter is an adult. We married at his incistance after she graduated after high school. That was more than 20 years ago.

My father has told me he has always felt there was an unusual bond between them, the ex was super protective of her, defendsed her over me as welll. My dad and friends have a suspicion something between my ex and my daughter has happened. She does not speak to me much, almost nil since the divorce; blames me for not making it work; I "deseerted her". "I ran away."

My daughter had an illicit affair once before with a distant cousin she met for the first time 10 years ago. It turned out badky; she ended up getting beat up; he was into drugs and drinking. she and her husband were trying to help him out and that is where it turned; it nearly cost her marriage.

My daughter is beautiful; could have been a model. Only, the pictures I found of her wewre of her in a corset with a pillow to hide the clothing.

When I found those pictures and saw the one of my daughter, I literally wailed out I was so hurt. Hurt for her, my baby, my daughter and then ashamed and hurt for myself.

I told my daughter I found pictures. Which ones, not specifically, the shame and hurt were too great. I only asked her if he touched her in any way; becauses if he did I'd k... him (not really). She said no; he just went "goochy goochy with his fingers on my hip" I have to believe her. If I am wrong, it will cost her her marriage and possibly her children; and our relationship forever this I am sure. She is stubborn and so far her actions are to blame me and with her silence.

But what if? Not to report, what about others at his mercy?

Get this scenerio;

I stand in front of him and state "I found the pictures" Nothing more.

He leaps out of his recliner, yells "the trust is gone, talk to my lawyers in the morning for a divorce" while ranting and trying to tear his clothes off his body. Very strange scene. Then he lunges toward me, I cover my face, he jumps me to the floor on top of me. I go into a ball and cover my face. He yells "I love you, I would never hurt you" I get up and leave the house.

What is he guilty of? More than the pictures I found?

I asked him later if one of the girls he was taking graduation pictures of if she was at least 18, becasue if knowingly she was, I would be in troughble as well as he if she was not 18. He said she was; I cannot find her name as she left the place of business to confront her before I could get her name. This gal I had come home and found her on my living room floor with shrots shorts on with legs spread out in a pose if his nose was any closer; hmmmmm

Strange, soon as I walked in, he said they were done.

Ok, so the guy is innocent. I do not believe it. The detecgtive did not believe it, but their hands are tied since what ever other pictures I was asked to find were all gone by then.

If I had been stronger and a bit meaner, perhaps I could have done things differently and caught him, but I was beaten down by then. He tried to get me committed and my doctor said no way; get a divorce and start saving my money for my own as he was never going to change.

So here I am today wondering if I should disclose this for an inveestigation. What if there are other victims or potential victims?

Would you want your kids to have a teacher in sixth grade for your child? But, they do call him Mr. Wonderful as he teaches them to. sounds a bt like the charmer abuser type of person, doesn't he?

No wonder he ran from filling out the form for teacher of the year award. Maybe he was afraid he'd get caught or guilt?

And I will never forget the look on our grandson's kindergarten teacher's face when the ex asked our J....to sit on his teachers lap for a picture.....she backed off. I thought it strange, my daughter had agreed at that time as well. Isn't that inappropriate? But hey, it was only for an innocent picture, right?

Does that help to clarify?

March 20, 2006
3:11 pm
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sewunique
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BREAK THE CYCLE!!!

March 20, 2006
3:11 pm
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sewunique
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Where and how does it end?

March 20, 2006
3:22 pm
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Thank you WD for writing back to me in a straight forward manner. I cannot handle much right now am very sensitive to jumping the gun to emotion.

I am glad I waas able to tell you how I felt about your post without you getting all hairyeyed about it.

Yes, there is an ethical and moral obligation here I am tossed with.

Yes, I can stir up Pandora's box and cause more harm than good; for myseslf and others.

he calls himself rs......photorat, that he is; a rat.

And I am tired of being the mouse.

See my post to Kathy. A sixth grade teacher, what a shame. Discusting.

I have tossed around with the iedea if vengence is my theme. But the ethics and morals play havoc with my soul. I am a do good right person. You know me pretty well. This is agony.

If only i had a couple of names, the sheriff would have interviewed them. If only I had his past shool clas pictures, I could identify one of them. But I don't.

Maybe some day when they are in their thirties, they will find this site. The grooming itself is wrong of these girls; it is SEXUAL ABUSE in my opinion, that is my pinion for now. It has taken me this long to get it and say it.

the last pictures were from 2004, 2003 back to 2001... that I found.

March 20, 2006
3:23 pm
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March 20, 2006
3:23 pm
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sewunique
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March 20, 2006
3:23 pm
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BREAK THE CYCLE!!!

March 20, 2006
3:27 pm
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sewunique
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No they wewre not friends of my daughter, my only child.

They were of a past student, a student graduating that worked at the photo shop. Various places.

March 20, 2006
3:41 pm
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sewunique
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I am going to seek out a counselor who deals specifically with trauma, PSTD and family crisis intervention. Even if I have to do phone counseling (resources here are very weak).

I am going to read up on that state law on child abuse and reporting and perhaps contact a senator or lawmaker who is on the state sexual abuse prevention committee.

My gut tells me I must do something.

If my daughter would talk, I could see what trauma was caused to her.

I must act. I have had a lifetime of abusive perople. I no longer will sit idly by and let it be. I am on a mission.

March 20, 2006
3:53 pm
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sew,

The way your ex treated you was horrible.

What about your relationship with your daughter? Is there any validity to your daughter's feelings that you abandoned her by running away, any?

If you had a good relationship with your daughter your ex would not be able to turn her away from you no matter what he said about you.

I wonder if there's more to the situation with you and your daughter.
Do you owe her any amends?

Are you saying your ex teaches 6th grade?

Photographing women age 18 or older in a suggestive way is not a symptom of sexual interest in young children.

sorry have to go, boss has given me some work. talk to you later.

March 20, 2006
4:08 pm
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sewunique
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"What about your relationship with your daughter? Is there any validity to your daughter's feelings that you abandoned her by running away, any? "

Answer: I am not sure. Because I divorced before? I was very involved with her and her activities, but yes, our relationship has it strained moments. I am a codependent clinging mother. That is bad. I did my best, must not have been good enough.

"If you had a good relationship with your daughter your ex would not be able to turn her away from you no matter what he said about you."

Answer: perhaps, is this why children become abused by the other parent? Not sure.

"I wonder if there's more to the situation with you and your daughter. Do you owe her any amends? "

Answer: I am not sure. she must see something and her feelings and interpretations are to be respected and validated. she said; "I have nothing to get over." I think she is in denial. She has kept the pictures secret from her husband. I told him she is my daughter, (to protect her) and I would not tell him the details of the pictures specifically about them. He would have to ask and she would tell him what she wanted. It is not my bsiness to interfere or destroy their marriage by this.

"Are you saying your ex teaches 6th grade? "

Answer: yes he teaches sixth grade. He was very anxious to retire just before I filed for divorce. Now that is done, he says he cannot retire until he works a few more years because the divorce cost him so much money.

I think he does like 12 year olds. He loved it when I was 110 pounds, when I went up to 125, he said I was fat. The detective says he believed the ex had some fetishes about the teen girls.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas. I do appreciate it very much.

March 20, 2006
4:45 pm
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have an appointment with licensed coounselor this thursday; even out of pocket cost I hope will be worth it.

I have to sort this out.

Too much on my plate to handle all this alone.

Even if I cannot report this ex behavior, it was traumatic and abusive to me. I was not respected. I was treated like sh**

Step one almost begun.

March 20, 2006
7:48 pm
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I'm all for you doing what you can to help others, Sew.

But mainly I do think you need to care for your self and seek your own healing from what you have been through. It sounds like there were a lot of secrets kept from you--I would be surprised if that did not play out as crazyness in your relationship.

(((Sewunique))

March 20, 2006
10:32 pm
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(((WD)))

Thanks dear WD, I needed that touch.

March 22, 2006
8:34 pm
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((((sew)))) I am sorry all of this is still haunting you. I can relate to your situation, as you know, because my ex also teaches 6th grade and is Mr. Popularity at his school. I have, on many occasions, felt the need to call his principal or the school board to report the drinking, the use of school district computers and email to harass me, the physical and emotional abuse of both me and his children.

When I search my soul, I find that I just want others to know what a monster he truly is. It kills me that everyone believes this "facade" he has created in public, and no one believes he could be capable of anything that would have justified my divorcing him. It is hard to sit by and watch, knowing how he is misperceived by so many.

I wish I had answers for you. I have not found peace, but I hope you do soon. I have let go of much of it, and I hope you can do this with the help of your counselor.

I wish you strength, and peace.

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