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Sew Confused, to the next step.
June 22, 2006
10:55 pm
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bonita1
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Only the spoon knows what is left in the pot... Solo la cuchara sabe lo que hay en la olla....

June 22, 2006
11:12 pm
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bonita1
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Sew,

I still think you should write to your daughter even if you never send it to her. It might even be a good idea to start a journal to her to share your thoughts, feelings, wisdom, advice, etc., etc.

You should not apologize for your divorce. Your daughter is out of line in meddling with your decisions/personal business (re: your marriage) in that manner.

I will post some more a little later. YOu keep hanging in there, girlfriend.

Thank you for considering me as your friend.

love ya,

bonita

June 23, 2006
1:23 am
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sewunique
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Number One;

I am going to seek counsel to see if I can draw up a Will before I fly to Finland. I have a strong urge to do this. I need to get my house in order. I think part of it is that I have wanted to go to Finland and see if I can connect with any living rela tives. (I lived with my Finnish grandparents from 20 months old, my brother was 5 months old, til I was 5 years old). My mother allowed me to attend one birthday party of the nieghbors shortly after the court allowed us retuned to her. Then once when I was 10. Grandma P and my aunt drove up in the car, stayed in it on the stree in from ofmy house and I got to see them for a few minutes. The babysitter told; I got a spanking for talking to "that woman". I never saw her again, she died in 1980s. I NEED to do this. I NEED to go to Finland and connect. I am Finnish in my heart and half blood. I am part of the culture, it is in my heart. I have SISU.

http://www.sisugrp.com/sisuis.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisu

YAH!!!

And I THINK I found the answer to my turmoil!!!

~SewUnique~

June 23, 2006
1:36 am
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bonita1
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Sew,

I still think you should write to your daughter even if you never send it to her. It might even be a good idea to start a journal to her to share your thoughts, feelings, wisdom, advice, etc., etc.

You should not apologize for your divorce. Your daughter is out of line in meddling with your decisions/personal business (re: your marriage) in that manner.

Your email was short and sweet. You told her you were sorry she would not share her feelings with you but that you want her to know that she is in your heart, thoughts and prayers.

This is just a suggestion, but, next time you write her, it may be good to tell her that what happened in the past cannot be changed. You can only live in the present and prepare for the future. You made the best decisions you could at the time and given those same circumstances, you would probably make the same decisions all over again.

Your choices were never meant to hurt her, to make her feel abandoned, or to make her feel any less loved. Tell her you grieve over the estrangement of your relationship with her and the loss of seeing your grandchildren grow up. But, that although you hope and pray that this estrangement will soon end, you will not accept guilt, anger, blame, depression, or misery for actions which you felt were justified and the only way to proceed.

Ask her if she ever misses her mom and if her children miss their gramma? If so, then tell her that you miss all of them terribly and would like to fill that void so that the present and the future will be better than what was in the past.

Maybe you can arrange a flying visit to see them and your dad who is so ill?

~~bonita

June 23, 2006
1:41 am
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bonita1
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Finland!!! Awesome!!

June 23, 2006
2:01 am
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sewunique
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Thank you Chiquita Bonita!!!!

Thank you for the saying in Spanish, I am going to save it and post it on the refrig.

Oh Bonita, I have so much to say, I have discovered so much tonite in a flash it came to me simple, revolutionary, freeing, liberating, an answer.

I cam from a simple TV commercial and bang! It came after all this posting and great feedback, and yes, with your most recent postings, Bonita. It came from all the turmoil and questioning these past two years and from the past 10 months here at AAC, with the past and most recent of Bonita, WD and Zinnie and OMW, Ready, Free2choose, mamaC, Twinks (!) Neshema, [email protected], Lost, and more.

It came simply, quietly and with a bang.

More to type. Excuse my ramblings, I have to journal it, read it or not, I have to get it out.

Stay tuned.

Sew

June 23, 2006
2:57 am
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bonita1
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Sisu is a sense of perseverance in the face of adversity....

A similar concept in the hispanic culture is "Querer es poder" (roughly translated to mean if you want something badly enough you will find the ways and means to achieve it.)

I understand that sisu means that you will never give up. You will never give up on your daughter... I admire the Finnish people for their sisu.

~~bonita

June 23, 2006
3:01 am
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bonita1
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sew,

I will talk some more with you tomorrow. I've gotta get some sleep.

Keep hanging tough...

~~bonita 🙂

June 23, 2006
3:09 am
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Good Nite Bonita, sleep well!

Sisu to you, or "Querer es poder"

Sew

June 23, 2006
5:06 am
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Secondly,

(think I can keep this brief?)LOL

To those who posted, I thank you for reading and your sharing your concerns, cares and ideas.

Scared,

Of course it matters what you wrote to me! I appreciate the effort and time and caring if nothing else. But you offered much more and I so apppreciate your view from a daughter's perspective. It helps a lot to see the other side. Even though I am a daughter, another daughter's view other than my own helps to shed some light.

I know that no matter how much we give into our parenting, that our skills, or mine, my be lacking and yes, we all make mistakes. Darn if we could be perfect parents, but, no matter, since life and growing up is hard, most kids would have problems one way or another. IMHO Few kids say they had "a perfect childhood", thought I suppose there are a few who have.

The difficulty lies with what we have learned and how we were raised tends to spill into our parenting, whether we try to avoid it or re invent a different style than what we experienced. How we were raised becomes a part of us and how we react to that shapes our own lives and filters into our parenting.

Sometimes we go the opposite way and become over bearing, protective parents (me) because we were molested and no one protected us. Then again, we can become very rigid with firm rules to prevent any harm from coming to our own children so they do not have to expereince what we did. If one can find good harmony of both mixes, then perhaps we have mastered a healthier parenting style.

We do the best we can, the best we know how, with the best that we have.

It all comes down to as you said. We do our best and we do make mistakes.

So thank you for all you have shared, it helps greatly and I appreciate how much yu cared to share with me!

Again, I am not sure what or where you think I felt offended by you. Please share this with me so we can talk about it. I assure you, I do not think I was offended, I problaby would have asked you about it if I was, or it was nothing and it is long forgotten.

Ras,

Oh! Dear! I talk about dating and men THAT much? Well, a man around to cuddle and debate and just listen to him talk etc would be a great thing! I flirt too much perhaps.

To the serious part. I have avoided speaking about my daughter quite a bit since I have been here. First, I am embarrassed I am in this situation and she isn't in contact with me, I love and miss her and my grandkids terribly. Second I am ashamed, then I feel very guilty. thirdly, what I say about her would all be in past tense and I feel I would be a phoney to talk in the present tense about her. (This is a very cleansing expperience as I mentioned caution in my first post here).

["I would add to that may be she is the idealistic type that does not accept divorce."] Religously and for her own personal reasons, yes;she apparently would say this. Idealistic? She and I both are of this caliber. We are both perfectionists also, so we can clash.

["I would talk to her kindly Sew that life is not easy and disappointments are part of our life. Just be patient and understanding with her rather than critical or judgemental. Try to see her point of view. Most kids are idealistic and I'm one of them. And most of all, treat her like a friend."]

I agree, and will take this to heart. All except the friend part; she just wants me to be her mom, not a "freind". Perhaps some day we shall get that close? I pray it should happern.

Ready,

I know, we are both trying to wean off from here. I am trying to finish business here and then I can come here not to work out so many of my issues, but to post to soley
to help others. It's almost there!

God willing, my son in law is a dear to be there and at least is able to play relay. Yes, it seems that answers and support and guidance seems best left in the Master's hand. He has carried me when I no longer knew which way to turn and was too tired to do more than just live day by day; thinking there wasn't any hope for things to get better.

I will continue to;

["Keep praying, and letting her know you care about her and her family."]

[" I would hope that someday, she will see that she does not have control over your life, as she seems to want to."] So do I hope this will change, God willig. I do think peace is coming soon. It may arrive in bits and pieces, but I ain't fussy how it will happen! You are a good friend, indeed.

Thanks for your kind words and wisdom and prayers.

MamaC,

(sorry since I think I coined it, I cannot let it go, mamaC) Thank you for always being there; even as "stand by" waiting to share. I know your thoughts are with me as I with you, in so many of our trials; even if mine are all grown and yours almost all grown (well Jeff is). I keep you and your family in my prayers and thoughts.

Thank you all for bearing thru my muddle and sentiments. I treid not to get too gushy; easy for me to do and I do not want to appear insincere.

(((((((group hug))))))))

Sew

Now to see what I missed. This format is difficult to read and respond and catch it all right.

June 23, 2006
5:13 am
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sewunique
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(((((((((Sleepless, Camer, Free, Cpt, Freespirit, OMW, Twinks, Guppy))))))))))

Your in the group hug too! I will have to get back to you all tomorrow, it is two hours past my bedtime. this posting takes gobs of time.

Love to you all,

Sew

June 23, 2006
6:42 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Sew,

I still think you are cool, and I am thinking of you, I am sorry you are hurting.

As for the drama? You are you, don't apologise!

Love, Bevdee

June 24, 2006
5:07 pm
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sewunique
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Will be ready to post again soon on this. Very liberating thoughts.

Wish we could connect more here. We make such personal connections posting, sharing. Guess what? I have met others from the internet into real life. Unless they are cons, they are as they write. Their si something about writing that we hide less and reveal more about ourselves than speaking, sometimes. Wouldn't that be a great disertation to work on? Guess one reason the internet dating scene is so successful when you meet people.

Soon I hope to be an occassional poster. My personal mission is about accomplished here.

Just getting a bit sentimental here. Getting a bit sad about a distant crush I cannot share.

Oh well. Am going out the door to a Finnish MidSummer Party with a nurse friend. Soon to Finland! Midsummer is where they celebrate the Land of the Midnite Sun where June 23 marks/celebrates when the sun will not set! It's about 40 or 70 degrees longitude, and winter gives only 4 to 6 hours sunlight, depending if in Helsinki or the Northern Laplands.

Stll, thinking of a special friend...

~SewUnique~

June 26, 2006
6:11 pm
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on my way
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"Only the spoon knows what is left in the pot... Solo la cuchara sabe lo que hay en la olla...."

I LOVE this one too...very good, very wise...

and might i add in English..

"not unitl another spoon joins in the pot stirring will they truly be able to understand, taste or enjoy what is in the pot"..

ok a little weird the way i said it =) ...but Sew I am so happy this is making more sense to you and that you are getting some closure!!!!!

big smiles and hugs!

June 26, 2006
6:24 pm
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Thanks, OMW,

It is all so simple what I figured out. Very plain to see, but all the fog has been lifted.

Son't have time to post it now, working on getting something rady for Fedex for my trip.

When I do get it posted, then I will hope to get feedback and thoughts shared; if there may be any forthcoming.

Later, gater,

Sew

June 28, 2006
12:00 pm
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sewunique
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...later

June 28, 2006
12:13 pm
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sewunique
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When I wanted to so something while at my grandmother's she would answer me "Later."

Finally I caught on that her "later" meant probably a "No".

One day I asked her; "When is later, Grammie?" A big surprised sigh. I think she knew I was finally growing up.

After that, it was always more questions from me. My Mom used to get exasperated from me always asking "why?" "C..., you always have to ask why on everything. Sometimes, it just is."

Why?

Why and how does tiny capillaries filter out from arteries, get into every cell of our body, then find their way back into the heart by veins? Nursing school A&P gave wonderful answers! And more to learn.

This is the way I process and solve problems. I need to know why and how. It helps for me to understand better. To accept is "as is" does not suffice. THIS IS ONE HUGE PROBLEM I have had in resolution since being here at AAC. And no one can clearly interpret or give answers nor can I. But there has to be some solice for me to accept, digest, sort out, analyze and come to a workable solution for my comfort.

As with the problem with my daughter and my spouse. A simple TV commercial gave me the insight. Perhaps I have been processing all this all along and this TV comercial was the catalyst for a simple problem discovery for me? No matter. I think I got it by Jove. Simple, so simple but liberating. Why? I am not sure, can't even answer my own question right now. I will. It will come.

...later,

When is later?

Later comes when it is time.

until then...

Sew

June 28, 2006
12:40 pm
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sewunique
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err, err, alert, err! That is ex-spouse, not spouse. Sometimes I still feel estranged.

June 28, 2006
1:10 pm
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(((sew))) Yes, there is much to learn, and many questions to ask. How does the human heart function? and Why does it rain? are questions we can answer with scientific research...much simpler. Look it up in a book. Google it.

Why does my ex behave the way he does? Why does my daughter not seem to understand his behavior, and accept mine? Those are much more difficult questions. They are enmeshed in human emotion, and are not quite so simple to figure out.

I wish you peace on your trip "home". I hope you find comfort in visiting your "place of origin", and perhaps a few answers as to why you are here, and where you should go from now on.

Have a safe, wonderful journey...(((sew)))

June 28, 2006
2:01 pm
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(((((((9Ready)))))))))))

Why does the heart cry tears of sadness one time and tears of joy at another?

Thank you dear friend. I wish us both safe keeping as all our friends here at AAC.

I am beginning to get so overwhelmed in feelings, I post not all what I feel or wish to say then wish I had sone it differently.

I need people more than ever when I am shutting down in fear.

I wrote and my email still remains unanswered. I feel I have lost my daughter. The fear is so great. And I have blundered her life as mine.

My eyes and heart turn to the only one who carries me without my footprints in the sand.

*************heavy words unsaid.

Sew

June 28, 2006
2:03 pm
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Hey Sew, i am writing just to give u a hug. ((((sew)))) . i can offer no advice , but i am here if u need to talk. i will listen. i live by the "why" mantra also. (so funny to see u write that) it does make us darn good nurses. i'll admit i am one of those u know in real life. need to talk, let me know and i will call u.
your friend;
gup/rhonda

June 28, 2006
2:05 pm
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The only things she wrote was a list of things "I took" of hers and she wants them back. I responded and explained. Should have kept me mouth shut and just said yes, here I will send them.

When she gets what she wants, will she again close down? Is it a game? I do not know.

I pray.

Sew

June 28, 2006
2:06 pm
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((((((((((gup))))))))))

I am holding on, barely.

Sew

June 29, 2006
9:58 am
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sew...let go, honey. Maybe writing a letter to your daughter would help. You don't have to send it, just tell her how you feel so that you can purge your soul. I'm worried that you are going on this trip with such a heavy heart...(((sew)))

June 29, 2006
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sew...let go, honey. Maybe writing a letter to your daughter would help. You don't have to send it, just tell her how you feel so that you can purge your soul. I'm worried that you are going on this trip with such a heavy heart...(((sew)))

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