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Sew Confused, to the next step.
June 21, 2006
7:40 pm
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sleepless in uk
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(((sew)))

tough time for you....I am sorry you are having these heartaches

June 21, 2006
9:34 pm
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Sew,

I just posted to you on the jigs thread right before I read this thread. The last sentence that I wrote to you was this, "Much as we want to protect those that we care about, we cannot always protect them from hurt. It's just not possible."

I am so sorry about the estrangement between you and your daughter. I feel your pain because in my situation my eldest was sexually molested by her biological father. I too felt like a bad mother and blamed myself for not knowing, not stopping the abuse, not protecting her....

I have talked to my daughter and she does not blame me. She has told me that I am not the one who molested her. Perhaps, out of guilt, I now have her living at home where she is too comfortable because mom gives her everything she needs-- a house, food, electricity, water, gas and built in baby sitters. (toilet paper too!!) Failure to launch, here ( like my thread in support).

On the other hand, my thirteen year old blamed me for years for her general unhappiness, for the breakup of the marriage, for the sun not shining outside (seriously, that is what it felt like). After extensive therapy, she is much better in accepting who the guilt really belongs to -- my ex. She is better in controlling her anger and learning not to blame me for stuff in her life that goes wrong or that may be a consequence of her actions or inaction (like not finishing her assignments on time and getting her grade lowered.)

It seems to me that you are in Florida because that is where you needed to be in order to gain some distance, perspective, from a hurtful situation.

Keep trying with your daughter. Don't give up. You are NOT your mother. What did she do when you stayed away from her? Did she try to call you often, or write to you? Did she leave you alone as if you didn't exist?

You are NOT your mother. You are not ignoring your daughter. You continue to reach out to her. Perhaps, you can invite her to visit, even if she ignores your invitation. She seems to be very angry and perhaps her anger is being misplaced on you instead of laying that anger where it should rightfully go? (just like my 13 year old did when she was 8,9, 10, 11...)

I hope that you do find the help/therapist that you need. Who knows, perhaps in the future, you decide to move back to be near your daughter because your relationship will be what you desire. Maybe, she will decide to move to your state, too?

kindly,

~~bonita

June 21, 2006
11:14 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Sew))) I find you a warm, affirming, kind and caring person. And I'm sure you are a marvelous Mom. I'm sorry for your daughter's decision. This age we live in is of too much focus of individualism.

Mark my word Sew, she will appreciate you when she gets married and becomes a mom herself.

(((Hugs)))

June 21, 2006
11:24 pm
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sewunique
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Thanks, Ras

But my daughter is married, 35 and with three children. this is an adult child realtionshi problem where she did not approve of my divorce and moving away. You didn't know, that is ok.

(((((Ras))))

June 21, 2006
11:24 pm
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sewunique
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Thanks, Ras

But my daughter is married, 35 and with three children. this is an adult child realtionshi problem where she did not approve of my divorce and moving away. You didn't know, that is ok.

(((((Ras))))

June 21, 2006
11:49 pm
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sewunique
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Thank you Bonita

I just called my daughter. spoke to her husband. My grand dauhgter graduated from 8th grade and kept the top of her class!!!!! She hd gotten the citizen's award too. I missed it. This Saturday is the last of her gymnastics as she decided it is taking up too much of her time. the other tow are doing great and the oldest is working part time this summer at his dad's place of work.

I am missing everything. I told my soninlaw that it has been two years and by not being able to talk to her I am missing out on my grandchildren. I told him every other weekend I have it arranged for the past year for a 3 three day weekend twice a month so I could fly up there, this has been for a year at work.

I asked him what could I say to her, what have I done? Is it because of my divorce? He said he doesn't know. I told him I am not giving up on my daughter, but am not calling weekly or she may feel harrassed.

He suggested I email her and she can respond to what she has to say. They have a new email addy, appaerently the email I sent never got returned to me.

Know what? This wordy Sew does not know what to say after all this time. I have so much to say. Not know which part to say. am paralyzed with fear I will botch it. she will ignore me.

should I just say I love her, miss her and am sorry for .........what? Her life? That I dovorced? That I dod not protect her from a step father taking pictures of her that as an adult she made her choice and I never knew about it until just before I filed for divorce?

I am afraid once again she will not talk or write to me. Dick said when I adked if she would talk to me he said, :Nope." Ouch

I feel like a failure for sure. And I am lost for words.

Any ideas are appreciated.

Sew sad

June 22, 2006
12:00 am
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sewunique
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June 22, 2006
12:20 am
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bonita1
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tell her you love her and miss her and maybe leave out the other issue right now until she responds? or put your question as to why are you mad at me? in another e-mail

You have absolutely no idea whatsoever as to why she is mad? Usually we have an inkling even if it seems farfetched to you, that may be it....

Just food for thought.

~~bonita

June 22, 2006
12:25 am
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sewunique
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History is repeating itself. I did takl to my mother for 8 years. I couldn't or felt I would go insane. My daughter seems to be doing the same.

But I never beat my daughter. I never spanked her with her bare buottom or with a belt or a board. She was involved with band, marching bancd, chorus, forensics, and synchronized swimming. I atteneded all her funtions. I was her girl scout leader for 5 years and camp director for two. We saw and had family funtions with my grandmother, her great grandmother who she adored. But not my mother cuz I was so afraid of her abusing my dighter which happened in bits and spruts and with my neice as well. I treid to protect her.

she said last christmas she has reviewed my life and I was strong and cuold have gotten thru this divorce. WHAT?? But I said nothing to that remark to her. She said sometimes she missed me and other times she doesn;t. She feels I deseerted her. She is 35 years old. I dovorced when she was 22, second marriage. Her natural father was and is a drug head and looks terrible from what little we know of him. (She is now in contact with him thru email, For two years she held this secret from me. which, why would I care? This is up to her)

We waited for her to graduate from H.S. before I married my current ex. He paid much attention to her from the beginning, when she was 17. My father said he always thought R.. paid too much attention, sorta protective of her he describes. Then the soft porn pictures I found, the picture of her sitting on her lap with his arm around her, and hand on her hip taken in his darkroom. They used to develop pictures together as I sat upstairs, waiting for 4 hours, and her husband calling for her to get home. I was so shocked when I found those pictures of her. I howeled out crying; "my baby, how could he do this?" Of course I was alone. I tshocked and hurt. When I told him "I found the pictures" he went into a rage I never saw before trying to tear off his clothers, threats the trust was gone, attacking me to the floor with shouting he loved me. It was a mess. I asked my daughter if he ever touched her, cause I'd kill him (not really) and all she said was "he put his hands on my hip and went 'goochey goochy"

I left shortly after. Never told my daughter I filed for divorce. She said I was afraid to tell her. She said I ran away. Maybe she was right. Dick, my soninlaw said I never talked to the family to work it out first and God does not approve of divorce.

Maybe it was the third divorce that did it for her? I used to see my grancchildren weekly or more. I was a great grandma.

but the 4 major drugs for depression made me toxic and I was in a zombie state, literally, I was toxic. I got off all meds slowly, I went into DTs, my daughter experienced this.

When I left for Florida and was going back for a divorce hearing I had to stay here. My father told me she and my ex were going to put me into an instution if my father would be the third signature to sign me in. He refused. My psychologist said no way did I need hospitalization.

Now 2 years later, here I am.

the end.

I need to resolve this if I can to move from this site a bit more, this has become home. It is wrong to be so intensly involved here. I need a life. I want my daughter back. I cannot keep doing this.

Love,
Christine

June 22, 2006
12:27 am
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sewunique
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Above is my summary of my wreck of my adult life and how I ruined my daughter's life. The plain ugly truth is here.

I am............so lost.

June 22, 2006
12:31 am
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sewunique
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Bonita,

That is all I can think of to say. I have said it many times.

I have told her "you are the sunshine of my life" many times.

Maybe that is too dramatic????/ She calls me the drama queeen, to my face and to new people.

And I am pretty vivacious. Can't you tell from my writing? Maybe be quite and talk boringly? I am me, I do not know what or how to change. I am .........so bad.

Sew

June 22, 2006
12:35 am
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sewunique
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Bonita

I have been told this two years ago;

she is mad because I deserted her,
because I left withourt telling her, she does not buy that I was in danger of my ex. she blames me for being depresssed and ruining her life.

That God does not approve of divorce unless under two idears, abuse beating and infidelity. She, was unfaithful to her husband once and he forgave her. So I have no reason to divorve; I did not try hard enough.

those are the reasons given by my son in law.

June 22, 2006
12:41 am
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sewunique
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err, the second time I dovorced she was 12 years old, a trumatic age for children to have parents divorece. I married third time whe she was almost 18.

June 22, 2006
1:08 am
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bonita1
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OK, so your son-in-law did know why she is mad at you and you have a pretty good idea. But did you ever talk to her in person and hear it from her own mouth?

It might help you to write her a letter, just like I wrote to my father... even if you never send it. I never sent the letter to my father but I did even better... I actually got to sit in the breakfast nook and talk to him in person, face to face.

I do not believe that it is her right or business that you divorced (was it three times?) She has no right to judge you as if you were her peer. She forgets that you are her mother and older, wiser than she. She may need to be reminded who you are.

What you have done or failed to do is between you and God, not between you, her, and God. You can explain why you left and if she does not believe that, then that is her choice. You know why you left and that knowlegde should keep you grounded and sure of your actions.

The fact that she wanted to commit you to a mental hospital is shocking to me...Did she really believe that you would do yourself harm or harm others and that you needed to be institutionalized? You have clinical depression... maybe a severe case. Medications that you tried, you seemed allergic to them. OK. Have you sought another doctor for a second opinion and continued treatment on a different med? There are so many new meds for depression coming out.

My thirteen year old was many years on different meds until finally the doctor hit on the right meds and the right dose. She is taking Abilify for her mood swings (bi-polar), concerta for ADHD, & wellbutrin for depression. The difference in her is like night and day. I wonder if a change in meds might help you too? Just see a psychiatrist ASAP. Meds are a wonderful thing when you really need them to feel better and live a happy, productive life. In my opinion, there is no need to be crippled by depression in this day and age.

~~bonita

June 22, 2006
1:25 am
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bonita1
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Sew,

I was shocked by her "cheekiness" to you in what you described, "she said last christmas she has reviewed my life and I was strong and cuold have gotten thru this divorce."

She reviewed your life? That is disrespectful to you as her mother and as a fellow human being. The only life she needs to review is her own. I am reminded of my dad telling me his New Year's Resolutions... for me... what I should do for the New Year... what nerve.....

In spanish, there is a saying that only the serving spoon knows what is left in the pot.... only you know the hell you were living in.... she will never know what you felt or experienced and she should not judge what she doesn't know. "God hates divorce" she feels she can throw this around you but God asks us to love one another and to forgive whatever injury one feels was caused by another. Seems to me she is picking and choosing what God says and wants.

Just my humble opinion.

~~bonita

June 22, 2006
1:37 am
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bonita1
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ready for change,

May I suggest that you take your daughter to a counselor/therapist so that she can vent her feelings in a safe environment? This might help her cope with the ex's crazed behavior (might avoid her seeking comfort from drugs and alcohol in the future, too.)

My 13 year old has become much more mellow with me since she has been in therapy for over a year now. Of course, she is also on meds, but I just cannot get over how far she has come from the angry 8 year old that blamed her mother for all of life's ills.

Just food for thought.

~~bonita

June 22, 2006
2:39 am
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sewunique
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Bonita

You post some sound thoughts. I agree, regretfuly of all of it.

Yes, am looking into a good counselor here. Not an easy task, but an answer. I started taking St. John's Wort, it helps a bit. I will basically be happier with contact with my daughter. Even the stiff phone call last Christmas was something, and I noticed an uplifted, freeer spirit in me after that call. I think alot of this depression is focused around her.

Yes, true about the institution. When I talked to her husband about it, he said my daughter said my father called and initiated this. No way. He was so broke up with her suggestion, my step mother had to take the phone from him as he was so upset. He is ill and I expect to be at his funeral soon. He can barely get out of be bed to eat anymore. So that is a fact and she has not called him tho she knows he is so ill.

My daughter was an only child. God knows how hard I tried not to spoil her but it is not easy being the center of attention.

Sadly, my daughter is selfish and self cnetered. It hurts to say this. She told me when we flew down here to see my mom, that she was petrifyied of flying. She tried hard not to cry, she was so nervous. Then she told me her fear was that she was not flying the plane; she had no "contol" over it and said she was a control freak (her words). This enlightened me. It made semse.

Sadly, I think her anger is about control. She is angry I ruined her life with the holidays, the traditions I had so hard to make are broken. (But so was my marriage). She is angry at me, is with holding love and the pleasure of my grndchildren. One could say she is punishing me but I do not want to carry it that far. I also belfieve she has shame for the picturs and the attention of her stepfather. She cheated once with a cousin, her husband forgave her. Why should I get divorced when she was forgiven? Am I a mirror of her wrongs? Perhps a counselor can answer that.

A family counselor, or one who works with truama, not sure, so far ones I have contacted and told part of the circumstances have not wanted to take my case. Perhaps this is what I should pray for; a good counselor.

I can write so well here, but I freeze up not knowing what or how to talk to her. Odd. Sad. How lonely.

Bonita, thank you for giving of yourself to me today. You have given al lot to me.

I am almost done here... I am really trying to let go of AAC. It encapsulates me. My home has become this screen and this site. I have become addicted to it, I think. I wish I could just come on and brief over the threads and then leave in 30 minutes. Instead, I dwell to each post and it all saddens me and drags me down nowadays. It is not fun anymore. This is the last chapter here for what I came here for. Now I wish to be here occasionally. So when I say I am leaving, I am tring, maybe just finding an excuse to leave, because I hate good byes. But, I think I will always be a part of this group; just hope not to be a frequent flyer (I know, more drama, cannot help it)

I love you friend, bonita, if I can say that, you should be blessed for all yur help today.

Sew

June 22, 2006
2:49 am
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sewunique
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In spanish, there is a saying that only the serving spoon knows what is left in the pot....

How do you say this in Spanish, Bonita? I would like to add it to one of my mantras.

Sew

June 22, 2006
2:57 am
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Thanks to a very special friend tonite who was with an ear and a huge heart even with your own problems. ((((((((((girlfriend))))))))))

Sew/C

June 22, 2006
1:55 pm
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Well, here is attempt # ? how many. Now that I sent it; I wondeer. I should have said I got her new email addy and sent the others to her old one. Will she argue this point she sent me a new one? (It was addressed to only 4 exclusive people, so I thought WHY? Now her husband tells me they have a new address. What a fool I am; I thought she was playing games again)

Then I thought I should say "I'm sorry" but what to? If sorry in general, that seems too feeble and avoiding the true issue. Should I say I am sorry for her life? For what? So I avoided it for now.

I did not ask about the grandkids; will she be angry about that? I just wanted to keep it short to see if she will answer. I did not tell her about me, cuz he husband has just asked politely "how Are you" in social curtosey, not to really find out. So I did not share. As a matter of fact, they have no idea what I have been up to or how I have been.

Isn't this sad, not knowing WHAT to say? But it is hard when I contact her and get nothing in return, I am cautious how she will react and fear what I say or won't say will turn her away further.

Contacts with just birthdays and Christmas, especially when I hear nothing is really straining me.

What if I got sick? What if I die and who will conatct her? No one here has her address forphone number. This is getting just like my mom who put all information about us in her bedroom. No one knew how to contact us when she got a brain anyersm and a coma. Her friends did not even know we 4 kids existed! I feel my daughter is putting me in this posistion herself, then she can further blame me. I think a lot of her problem she is blaming me for some of her wrong doings and not facing them? Or am I projecting? I feel with thses questions, I surely am a loose cannonball and perhaps I never shuold have been a mother.

See how codependency filters to the next generation? I made peace with an abusive mother beofre she died. (and she WAS very abusive, court, county home I was in a bit,) My other 3 siblings did not. But now I have a duaghter that like many of younger folks here see their mothers, I am in that category.(?) I wish young folks here would stop blaming thier parents for everything in their lives and take some responsiblity to shape their own lives. I did, but yet, here is my daughter.

I feel sometimes, the low points are so bad, she would be better off without me. Then she could stop balaming me. I love her so much. She is the sunshine of my life, she is a good mom and a good person. (Just our relationship is strained)

So here it is....

Hi L...

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and miss you.

I wish you would share how you are feeling, I am sorry you are feeling this way.

I tried to email you before, but never received a returned notice that your email address had changed.

I just wanted you to know that you are in my heart and thoughts and prayers daily.

Love,
Mom

I am sure whatever I said, she will be angry anyway. I pray she responds, even if in anger, at least it is not silence. She is soooooo stubborn, this we know!

Love,

Sew

June 22, 2006
1:57 pm
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And the 'what ifs' if I die is not being dramatic. It is fact and realitiy. I need to think about my will and stuff too. So this is not drama. the reality scares me and not having disclosure here to get my things in order.

June 22, 2006
3:07 pm
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(((Sew/Christine))) - I'm sorry honey most of your posts here were about dating and sometimes you referred to your daughter occasionally, so I could not tell or know some other facts apart from that.

I would add to that may be she is the idealistic type that does not accept divorce. She has that kind of rosy, fanciful idea about the way a marriage/relationship should be. I've known many grown kids who did not accept the reality of their parents divorce and always resented them and anything they had like having new gf/bf etc.

I would talk to her kindly Sew that life is not easy and disappointments are part of our life. Just be patient and understanding with her rather than critical or judgemental. Try to see her point of view. Most kids are idealistic and I'm one of them. And most of all, treat her like a friend.

Blessings & best of luck, Ras~

June 22, 2006
4:33 pm
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(((sew))) I'm sorry I haven't checked back in to this thread. I am slowly trying to wean myself away from posting here, as I know you are.

I know this situation with your daugter is difficult...I am glad you have your son-in-law to contact. Keep praying, and letting her know you care about her and her family. I would hope that someday, she will see that she does not have control over your life, as she seems to want to. I pray that you will find peace with this, and allow yourself to enjoy life.

Please take care of yourself, and know my thoughts are with you.

June 22, 2006
9:43 pm
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((((SEW))))

I'm sorry you are hurting. It's sad your daughter wants to act in this manner. Someday she will regret it. I just hope it is while you are still here and able to tell her it's ok.

Blesings to you.

🙂

June 22, 2006
10:50 pm
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(((((((sew)))))))

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