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Set your own Goals, Chapter 16, CNM
April 22, 2007
7:22 pm
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Rasputin
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Believe that life is worth living and your belief will create the fact. Be not afraid to live.

~William James

The most exciting idea I have discovered in my sobriety and my recovery from codep is the magic in setting goals. Things happen. Things change. I accomplish important projects. I change. I meet new people. I find myself in interesting palces. I make it thru difficult times with a minimum of chaos. Problems get solved. My needs and wants get met. Dreams come true.

I am ecstatic about goal setting, and I hope I can transmit my enthusiasm to you. There is nothing in the world like going where we want to go, getting what we want, solving a problem, or doing something we always wanted to do.

May codeps don't know this joy. It is new to me too. I spent many years of my life not even bothering to think about what I wanted and needed, where I wanted to go, and what I wanted to do. Life was to be endured. I didn't think I deserved good things. I didn't think most good things where within my reach. I wasn't that interested in my life, except as an appendage to other people. I didn't think about living my life; I was too focused on others. I was too buys reacting, rather than acting.

I am not suggesting we can cotrol all the events in our lives. We can't. We don't have final say on much of anything. God does. But I believe we can cooperate with goodness. I believe we plan, make requests, and start a process in motion.

These are all the author's perspective, Melody Beattie, about her codep life. Can someone identify with any of her symptoms, events, life's ups and downs?

April 23, 2007
2:31 pm
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Rasputin
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Goals also give us direction and purpose. I don't get into my car, turn on the ignition, start driving, and hope I get someplace. I decide wher I want to go or approximately where I would like to end up, then I steer the car in that general direction. This is how I try to live my life too. Sometimes things happen, and for a variety of reasons I may not end up where I wanted to go. If I change my mind or problems beyond my control interfere, I find myself doing something other than what I had usually planned to do. Timing and exact circumstances may vary. That's okay. I usually end up someplace better or someplace that is better for me. That is where acceptance, trust, faith, and letting go come in. But at least I'm not driving aimlessly thru life. More of the things I want come to pass. I'm less worried about solving my problems, because I've turned my problems into goals. And I'm starting to think about and consider what I want and need.

Goals are fun. They generate interest and enthusiasm in life. They make life interesting and, sometimes, exciting.

Have you set your goals, did you encounter some hindrances? Could you share with us some of those moments?

April 23, 2007
2:45 pm
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ggfred4
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Thank you Ras for starting this thread...I am at work and want to share when I am at home later...thanks again...

April 23, 2007
4:37 pm
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soprano2
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Just went to a conference this weekend about goals, ladies, and the best advice that I got was this.

make smart goals.

The s stands for specific
The m stands for measurable
The a stands for action
The r stands for reasonable
The t stands for timely

The person doing the seminar said that most women who set goals for themselves make them too vague. She also said that we don't decide how we are going to figure out if we have made any progress. Some people state they have a goal, but they don't really think about a plan to get to that goal. Some people set goals that are way to easy or way too hard. And some people keep the goal open for so long, they forget that they have a goal.

I thought about this for a while and decided that there is some truth to this. Every goal I have set in trying to deal with codependency has missed one of these steps. Sometimes it is action (how the heck am I going to leave if I don't think about a plan of action). Sometimes it is the time thing (I know that I am going to leave, but I don't know when, and don't ask me when because everything needs to be just right.)

So, I decided on Sunday that I am going to start setting S.M.A.R.T. goals from now on when it comes to my issues with my marriage.

Here's the first one.

By Friday, I am going to create new bank account with my change so that I can restart an account for my lawyer fund so I can have enough money for a retainer fee by June.

I am sure that there are many more that I can do, but I needed to start somewhere.

Just a thought. Do you guys do SMART goals?

s2

April 23, 2007
5:55 pm
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ggfred4
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s2, Thank you for the valuable information....Wow!!!

April 23, 2007
8:00 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks soprano for sharing with us this seminar. That was so entlightening. I hope others will join in too.

GG...nice to see you again hon!

April 23, 2007
8:08 pm
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soprano2
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Good to see you too, Ras. My life has been crazy and haven't had much time to join on the conversations, but I am sure to read them every week. When I saw this one on here today, it struck a chord with me. I guess that's because I have been trying to set goals about what to do, and having a hard time with them.

My problem is that I set a goal, and it may be a good goal (even a SMART goal), but then I let my emotions take over and I give in and don't complete the goal.

I liken it to a hamster wheel. I am on the hamster wheel of codependency. I am tired and I want to get off. I jump off for a moment or two. And then something happens, and I choose to get back on that damn hamster wheel again.

I get so tired of my emotions taking over my brain so easily.

I am hoping that I continue to make goals that will help me get out of this situation so that I can choose to get on with my life and stop hurting myself so much.

April 23, 2007
9:11 pm
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Rasputin
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Emotions are very tricky thing Soprano and we are all struggle with them. Fear, doubt, anxiety etc are all familiar issues to all of us. When I set a goal and start to get excited and then...nothing happens, I feel like giving up or become gripped with fears. This is normal. We have to wait for the right timing.

That's why we need each other. When we convey our fears and doubts to each other, we feel kinda more reassured that we are NOT alone. Others are going thru the same darn stuff.

A good book to read in this respect is "Managing your emotions" by Joyce Meyer. It really tackles the issues of negative emtions and the roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Helped me a lot with my negative emotions.

Glad that you're setting Smart Goals. I love that seminar, a real smart one indeed!!!

April 24, 2007
8:30 am
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soprano2
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It was actually a seminar for my independent business, but so much of it can be applied to my everyday life.

I was really glad that I got to go, and I am glad that I can see how everything in my life right now (except for husband, of course) is working together to make me a stronger person so that I can trust myself to stand on my own two feet.

I am gaining courage by the day, and I am getting excited to get to the point where I say enough is enough.

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