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self-harm...why do i do this? bfg
June 20, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Off
to enjoy the day...I want to wish all a very happy sunday and a
happy fathers day to all the men!

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

June 22, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I am
going to try not to take my anger out on myself anymore, I think
that the reason could be that I have all this anger from abuse and
I am hurting myself cause I was so used to being abused, that I
learned this as a way to cope, when someone is mad, just hit me or
hurt me, then its all better, the more I THink of this here, the
more i think this was a coping tool to deal with anger and I had
learned when people are mad they hurt me, so i just followed suit
here...

Well, I am going
to affirm this and I need to do this also on in this momeent
thread...

I BFG will not
take out my anger on myself anymore, I will direct that anger to
what is the cause, and I will try to deal with that accordingly, I
wlll no longer take anger out on me, at least not in this way, and
only if I deserve it!

For now on I will
try to give myself a little compassion for once!

June 22, 2010
12:00 am
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Hepburn
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That
makes so much sense BFG. Yeah, we have compassion for everyone
else, but we forget about ourselves.

I wish that for
you.

Love,

Hep

June 22, 2010
12:00 am
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(((Hepburn))) I appreciate you on here and the support you
given me...I am happy to have you as my friend:) even if its just
cyber world here~

I made alot of
mistakes in my life and I had alot thrown at me as well, I have
learned to move on from the pain and not beat myself up so much,
but its hard, cause I been trained to beat myself up and not love
myself...

I have to keep
working at it here, its a daily thing, as we all know that...just
thought I say that! I am trying to let go of the negative in my
life, but it somehow keeps getting thrown up in my face, over and
over again, its like some will not let it go, they hold onto that
anger cause they feel a need to beat me up, over and over, very
much like my abusive family...

I do not know how
long i can be here or take this, but I do know I wll try as long as
your here and a few others who have compassion and love in their
hearts, that is why i stay, but it does get old after awhile, esp
after you already said your sorry, how long do I have to keep doing
that for? Is not one meaningful heartfelt I am sorry enough around
here?

i guess not, sorry
but i am getting a feeling of being scapegoated here again, I do
not like it and it feels very famliiar to me, something I am trying
to let go of cause it does cause me stress and hurt and I do not
want to go that route, I just want to live, exist and move
on!

THANKS for being
there for me, my friend hepburn!

June 23, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Today...I will not hurt or harm myself...not today!

June 23, 2010
12:00 am
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Hepburn
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(((Bfg)))

You are welcome
BFG. You have a good heart, and I admire your honesty.

You wear your
heart AND your vulnerabilities on your sleeve. Most people don't do
that. Even here, where no one can see us. EVERYONE has their
vulnerabilities. You choose to expose your underbelly for all to
see. You show people (especially on here) the ugly side of what
happens when one is abused. Not that there's anything but an ugly
side. But it's right there, out in the open.

People see a lot
of you in themselves. And that may be hard to "look" at. Especially
if someone's still living in denial. So there's going to be fear.
People handle fear differently.

It's not you
"Barefootgirl", it's THEIR triggers they get because of how open
you are. You have been the catalyst of many triggers. So that's why
you feel you are the scapegoat. It's probably one reason why your
family treats you the way they do. You trigger in them THEIR
issues, and because they don't know how to deal with it and they
live in denial, they are going to lash out.

It's sort of like
the "Kill the messenger" concept.

I applaud you for
trying to heal yourself. Exposing yourself here. But you have to
remember what this site is. It's a hot bed of of dysfunction,
addiction, abused people, recovering or not codependents and
everything else in between.

Love,

Hep

June 23, 2010
12:00 am
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Hepburn
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I
forgot to add that in turn YOU are being triggered here as well.
Which is part a of YOUR healing.

Love,

Hep

June 23, 2010
12:00 am
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((((Hepburn)))) Gosh I love you! You understand and see so much
here and yes I do do that and it would be wise of me to not wear it
on my sleeve...countless people warned me and yet I never learn...
But I am learning to be ok with what others think of me...I think I
was putting too much importance on them and their judgements of me
and my feelings... That I missed me, what I think of myself...I am
learning so much here...good and bad about me and with gentle
compassionate people like you... I will keep growing. I am sorry to
read about your son...I could not imagine how that feels...my first
reaction would be to smack the hell out of his abusive gf! He has
to see this and see its not ok...I hope he does soon...something
tells me he will not put up with that for long...you also have a
wonderful heart and a way with words...he will hear you...how old
is he?

June 23, 2010
12:00 am
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I
went back and reread your post...so he is 20....so how you handle
this is in some ways harder but I do think at age 20...he will not
hang in their as long as a teenager would... You know that defiance
thing...I think around age 20..we have more maturity so that is
good here. Could you get him away for a weekend? Camping or
something...just to get him some time to unwrap his mind? Abusers
like to keep their prey close and away from the sound of reason...
I lived this...once you get some distance and your away and with
respectful kind people....you start to see something more
peaceful... I hope something here helps...if not, I will keep you
and him in my thoughts and wishing you all well.

June 23, 2010
12:00 am
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I for
a long time...whenever I would accidently bump into someone..that
they would yell at me....so I came to expect that from
people...when I got older I would then yell first to prevent being
the one who got screamed at first...as I got older...I stop
yelling...I paused and then I seen that most people will not scream
but say sorry! Even if it was me who accidently ran into
them...most of the time...people say sorry! But I learned something
wrong...cause that isd how I seen the world...I had to learn that
all by myself...and I did thanlfully. For someone to have pointed
it out before I was ready to learn...only would of made me
defensive and more angry.. What I learned was not to go around
pointing out peoples faults...now I am not perfect...I have but I
really try to mind my own problems! Just something I learned
latley...its not directed to anyone here...peace all!

June 23, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
need to conserve my energy and be very selective where I go for now
on..

June 8, 2012
6:27 am
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blanket
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What can I do to stop self-harming?

The single most important thing to remember is that you have choices: stopping self-injury can begin now.

  • Knowledge is power. Gather as much information as possible about your own behaviour. Keep notes of what is going on when you feel the need to harm yourself: over a period of time you can identify specific thoughts which come up. It's also useful to keep a daily diary of events and feelings, and to record how you cope with or channel powerful emotions of anger, pain or happiness.
  • Try to talk about your feelings with someone supportive. Even though you may feel you are alone, there are others who can understand your pain and help to boost your strength and courage. Many people find that joining a support group of people with similar problems is an important step towards making themselves feel better and changing their lives. If there are no appropriate support groups in your area, your local Mind associations may be able to help start one (see 'Useful organisations' for more information).
  • Work on building up your self-esteem. Remember you are not to blame for how you feel; your self-injury is an expression of powerful negative feelings. It's not your fault. Make lists of your feelings, and then write positive statements about yourself, or the world around you. If you can't think of any, ask friends to write things they like about you. Keep these in a place so that they are visible. Make a tape of your own voice saying something affirming or reading your favourite stories or poems. Hearing your own voice can be soothing, or you can ask someone you trust to record their voice reading to you.
  • Try to find ways to make your life less stressful, give yourself occasional treats, eat healthily, get plenty of sleep and build physical activity into your life – all of these are known to boost self-esteem and lift low moods.
  • Have the telephone numbers of friends, or local and national helplines where you can find them easily, in case you need to talk to somebody in a crisis (see Useful organisations).
  • Think about your anger and what you do with it. If you weren't busy being angry with yourself, who would you really be angry with? Write a list of people who have caused you to feel like this. Remind yourself you deserve good things in life, not punishment for what others have done to you.
  • Line up a set of cushions to represent people who caused you pain. Tell them how they hurt you and that you don't deserve punishment. Kicking or hitting cushions is good. Try to do this with someone else, if possible, so that the experience is shared and you do not hurt yourself.
  • Creativity is a powerful tool against despair. This doesn't have to be about making something. Whatever lifts you out of your pain and makes you feel good is creative. If you feel like it, try drawing or painting how you feel. Some people draw on themselves, using bright body colours.
  • If you feel the need to self-harm, focus on staying within safe limits. A supportive GP will give you good advice on minimising and caring for your injuries and help you to find further help.
July 2, 2012
12:29 am
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skyprix
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I wanted to loose weight but i always ended up doing the opposite.

What am i gonna, I just can't control my self from eating.

July 3, 2012
2:40 am
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Obviously you should not try to stop eating. We must eat to live & food is fuel for our bodies. It is often hard to not snack or overeat. Try not to be so hard on yourself and forget the diets. Just try to make good food choices and have three nutritious meals a day. Think of it this way: When your car that you drive runs out of fuel, you go to the gas station and fill the tank. You would not dare try to run your car on sugar or carbs right? It would not drive. You give it the correct gas, you fill the tank and then you do it again when necessary. You may under fill it if you cannot afford the cost, but you would never over fill it because it would be a useless waste of money. Think of your body that way. After all, when it comes to food & our bodies, we are really just a delicate machine. It's the brain that may have the wrong messed up signals about what to eat and how much of it to eat. Re-train your brain!

February 14, 2013
9:10 pm
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aaronwebvizards
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Self harm is very dangerous for anyone, we should think about ourself before we are taking any harmful step for our body. I want to ask one think if we are doing this for someone then does he deserve this? If he do not care about we then why we should harm ourself for anyone? we should not be dependent on any one.

June 2, 2013
11:48 am
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gettingbettereveryday
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BAREFOOTGIRL said:

There are many theories around why some of us self harm...I am not sure what, if any of the reasons apply to me..

I do know I need to stop...I been on meds and in theraphy since age 12.

I am afraid of going bald...of my hair not growing anymore at my age (45)...

I pull my hair out...I know...it sounds strange...but I been doing this for most my life...

Anyone care to give kind helpful comments?

Hi BFG. When I am not aware of my feelings I hit my head (sometimes quite hard) I might jump out of a moving car. These behaviors are decreasing through practicing "Mindfulness" and becoming aware of how I first get warning of an emotion. An emotion will show up in our bodies before our mind. Next time you feel anxious, sit quietly and notice (simply notice...no trying to figure out what it is. this takes practice). Notice what your body is telling you. Do you feel a knot in your stomach. Are your hands full of "energy'? Do you want to scream out loud? Try to "be with" whatever you are noticing. It may be scary. I know that if I allow myself to really feel, then I will get a message from deep inside. It's not always a happy message. Once the words "I HATE YOU" rang through my head, but I was paying attention. Next a picture came to me from my childhood and I knew the moment that I first told myself those words. It helped just to understand where such a hateful thought about myself could come from. Now, I have conversations with that hateful part of myself. Does that make sense? She is a little girl and she is pissed off at me because I didn't protect her. How could I? I was a child when these bad things happened to us. I'm helping her to feel loved by the grown up me. She is coming around. I discipline her if you know what I mean. In other words, she doesn't get to hit or in your case, pull hair. She has to learn to deal with her emotions like a grown up. Also, don't forget to laugh. If you are pulling your hair out go see how you look in the mirror. If you can laugh at such a horrible thing you are getting better. We are only human. Forgive yourself. Remember, each one of us has something that we want to keep a secret. It's kind of funny when you think about it. The big joke is on us! When you feel better and have gone a little while without hurting yourself give yourself a reward. If you can afford it get a massage, especially for your head. Or go get a cute haircut that works. Cut your hair short so you can't pull it out. I'm just brainstorming ideas now. I hope one of these helps. Please let me know. 


June 2, 2013
2:59 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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It is very doubtful to me that self harm is solved primarily through self discipline.  To BarefootGIrl & all others who are still turning to these methods of coping:  Get yourself away from the people who put this continual and enormous pressure on you & try to tell you how to manage your life & your actions.  The bullies.  They may be blood relatives, they may be strangers, ex lovers.  You know who they are.  Use your memories.  If you have too many stressors & too many responsibilities, try your best to just let some of them go.

In your spare time (if the world leaves you with some), keep far away from people who stare at you, judge you, and make you feel obligated.  Those who slam the door in your face when it suits them, and pretend to be friendly when in fact they are blood sucking leeches.

Notice that everyone else is minding your business, but somehow they find it difficult to mind their own business like they should.  If you have gone to such lengths to try to console yourself because of the pain you are feeling or felt from your past, remind yourself everyday that you did whatever you needed to do to get through your personal Holocaust and that you will find a way to get through anything with or without the respect of the people that keep jumping into your life telling you on how to look and behave and on how to live.

trust me when I tell you that those who look and sound so wonderful on the outside, live in continual denial of their own self harm & when they focus on your past, they are falling down way lower and lower than you will ever ever reach.  If when you try to remind them of things they did that caused you pain in your past, they pretend not to hear or change the subject & you know what the truth is, shame on them.  They will have much further to fall.

 

 

Titanium by Sia and David Guetta - one very true and good song.

Fire away, fire away, I'm bullet proof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away.   

 

One Day this will pass

June 2, 2013
7:11 pm
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Dear One day,

 

In case you were referring to my use of self discipline for BFG and her self harm I think you may have misunderstood. What I meant is that the part of her who wants to hurt her must learn to treat Her (as in BFG the person) with respect. The main person who is BFG does not harm herself. BFG is a loving giving person from her posts, but she is being tortured by this other aspect of her personality who yes, needs to be brought in line. Discipline does not mean "punishment" but "teaching". Christ's followers were disciples who taught others about his love and good will. So please don't call someone who suggests discpline a bully. 

 

gettingbettereveryday

June 3, 2013
3:26 am
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I never called someone who suggests discipline a bully.  I said that you cannot control self harm if you are in the midst of living amongst people who bully you each & everyday & that part of healing means distancing yourself as much as possible from this group can & will reduce your need to self harm.

 

One Day

June 3, 2013
10:53 am
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Well, it is definitely easier to avoid the stress that can lead to self harm by avoiding stressors. Especially people who are toxic. It would be nice to remove them from life entirely, but what if you can't? Sometimes toxic people really love us and are trying to help us. Do we push them away because they push our buttons or is it healthier to learn how to love ourselves enough so that we can know for ourselves what is best for us. We can still be arond these people, but we can just ignore their advice. I find it's really hard to get away from people who are our family or friends. I do see your point and think it's a good idea at least while one is trying to get better. 

June 3, 2013
11:38 am
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Ignore their advice?  Why are they giving advice?  Why would you ask for a toxic persons advice?  This is still a toxic relationship & they still have not acknowledged their actual part of the history that was the direct cause of the self-harm.  They need to acknowledge what they have done & apologize instead of denying that it never happened.

June 5, 2013
6:21 am
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Hi,

I think that we totally agree about advice and toxic people. Toxic people Give you advice whether or not you ask for it LOL! That's one reason why they are toxic.  One thing I'm learning is that forgiveness is the best way to heal. We may never get the apology we want and deserve, but continuing to hold onto our anger is only hurting ourselves. This anger may actually come out as the self-harming behavior because we have given over our power to the person who hurt us. Through forgiveness we regain our power and we can let go of the anger we feel toward ourselves for "letting" the harmful person hurt us. This is a great saying: Waiting for an apology is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. What do you think? 

BTW I just realized this post started 3 years ago. What happened to BFG? I hope she is okay. 

June 5, 2013
10:02 am
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So we should forgive this person or people for living a life of self denial & refusing to admit their part in the past hurt?  We should forgive & forget & just pretend it never happened?  Is that what you are asking everyone to do?  It is imperitive to forgive, but to forget is quite another thing.  Chances are if that person cannot come to terms with the reality of what they did, be it intentional or not, if they simply gloss it over, then they likely continue this behaviour in the future.

How would you feel if someone took your history (past) or the collective history of a country, nation, species & re-wrote it to suit their needs?  Would you just accept it?

Even though your memory serves you correctly & you know that what is now considered their written history is not truthful, would you just let it be published for a new generation to read and believe?

Don't you think that people's real memories of events should be respected?  Why should someone who really went through what they did ever want to pretend it didn't happen?

One does not get better by denying and forgiving alone.  You cannot change the past.  You can accept it, try not to repeat it, but letting someone you know who knows it's truth try to deny it or wash it away is a disgrace.

 

There are consequences to actions.  When the rules are dictated to one person alone & they are singled out, those rules then become the cage that each person who segregated that one person will have to adhere to.  When you take the personal freedom of a human being and you deny them their personal choice remember that you must also follow those rotten rules.  Be careful who you presecute into behaving because of greed or envy.  Having power through money or through contacts does not make you ruler over any one's personal rights to sing or talk or do anything unless it is hurting themself or another.

 

Try to really read this & get it.

 

One Day

June 5, 2013
12:41 pm
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By the way, I am not intentionally going to be drinking any poison so you need not worry about me. Smile I am not waiting for anyone to apologize to me or to die.Smile  I simply watch on how the poison within those types of people comes crawling to their surface as I go about minding my very own business which is plenty for me to concern myself with.Smile

I am not going away. Smile Even if you try really really hard. Smile Even after my death I will live on in some very very significant waysSmile

I am not a martyr & I do not need your apology nor am I downing any kind of poison awaiting your disgusting "I am so sorry"Smile.

Good Luck with your bright future!

 

One Day

June 9, 2013
9:50 pm
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RehabForTeens
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I think you should take suggestion to any hair therapist,
who can give you better solution, like medicine and any therapy. And please you
don’t believe any TV ads.

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