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self-harm...why do i do this? bfg
June 19, 2010
10:32 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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There are many theories around why some of us self harm...I am not sure what, if any of the reasons apply to me..
I do know I need to stop...I been on meds and in theraphy since age 12.
I am afraid of going bald...of my hair not growing anymore at my age (45)...
I pull my hair out...I know...it sounds strange...but I been doing this for most my life...
Anyone care to give kind helpful comments?

June 19, 2010
10:58 pm
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chinadoll
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I watched a tv show about people that were having stress and anxiety, and there was a girl who pulled her hair out. She was a fashion model and had to wear wigs, because she had too many thin/bald areas.

There was a modeling job she really wanted and did not get it because the agency had her take a set of pictures without the wigs, they wanted to see the "real" her. This caused her such heartbreak when they got the pictures back and turned her down .

She went back to therapy, and was able to find a therapist who helped her with anxiety and compulsions.

After a few months, some of her hair started to grow back, she had not been pulling it out.

I can't remember the name of the tv show, but it was on TLC, I think, a couple of months back.

June 20, 2010
12:55 am
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Hepburn
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(((BFG)))

I'm sorry you're going through that. My cousin's daughter used to be a cutter. I had heard that people who hurt themselves want to FEEL. Feel that they exist. Some don't know how to let out their feelings when something goes wrong so they hurt themselves. I would think extreme frustration could cause that too, along with anxiety like china mentioned.

What does your therapist say?

Love,

Hep

June 20, 2010
9:12 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks for the posts guys((hugs)))_

My t used to ask me if it was sexual and I am still not sure what she meant...I do not have sex...only before marriage and like a few yrs later did we actually have that...another story...
I do not believe is sexual or cause I am stressed or numb...or need to feel.
I feel too much...I always feel sad but lately do I rarely cry...
I think I do deny anger, and feelings...I just blow it off as much as possible...maybe I am taking my anger out on me physically...
Everone around me would always take their anger out on me in eitheer hitting or screaming or scarasm or belittlement...so maybe I took over that?
Anyhow...she felt it was my mom and I have to agree...I was scared of my mom and to this day I do worry she will come with a gun one day and kill me or us...
But she is getting old now...i also have to worry bout my brother doing that tro my parents...
Maybe its just is worry and anger and I guess stress..

I just know I am scared of going bald...I can still hide it but its not growing back like it used too...I want to stop...I do not want to embrass my daughter or have her think ill of me or her friends...
Ugh...thanks for posting to me guys...I appreciate that...
Have a good day:)

June 20, 2010
9:30 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I once did meet someone else who pulled her hair...her parents were hauntingly like my own...
She and I were also very similiar...I noticed she tip toed around her mom...had few friends like me and her dad ignorned her as well...
The similarties were like a slap in the face...I am sure all of us who do this with our hair are not all as similiar but it was really weird...
So much so that I had to pull back from our frienship...
She and I could of been sisters...when I looked at her...not looks but our spirits were the same...hurts and everyrthing...
Just really creeped me out!

June 20, 2010
9:31 am
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This may or may not be useful but have you considered you may have something else entirely you are dealing with. My daughter developed alopecia. We went to the dermatologist and they prescribed dome ointments and her hair started growing back.

Bitsy

June 20, 2010
9:50 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks bitsy...no I have what they call trichotillomania...I been to several therapists since age 12...its
"intentionally"
pulling out the hair...and I think other criteria like...it has to be for so long...a pattern and etc.

I hope you daughter is better now...its hell being young and bald...I could not even begin to tell you my war stories from jr high and how badly I was teased...I was alone, depressed and to be honest...I have no idea how I made it through those few years...later around age 16...I got back hair...which doesn't always happen...long thick hair too...but it returned around my late 20s I think...its been off and on ever since...

June 20, 2010
9:52 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Off to enjoy the day...I want to wish all a very happy sunday and a happy fathers day to all the men!

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

June 22, 2010
9:53 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I am going to try not to take my anger out on myself anymore, I think that the reason could be that I have all this anger from abuse and I am hurting myself cause I was so used to being abused, that I learned this as a way to cope, when someone is mad, just hit me or hurt me, then its all better, the more I THink of this here, the more i think this was a coping tool to deal with anger and I had learned when people are mad they hurt me, so i just followed suit here...

Well, I am going to affirm this and I need to do this also on in this momeent thread...

I BFG will not take out my anger on myself anymore, I will direct that anger to what is the cause, and I will try to deal with that accordingly, I wlll no longer take anger out on me, at least not in this way, and only if I deserve it!

For now on I will try to give myself a little compassion for once!

June 22, 2010
11:24 am
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Hepburn
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That makes so much sense BFG. Yeah, we have compassion for everyone else, but we forget about ourselves.

I wish that for you.

Love,

Hep

June 22, 2010
1:08 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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(((Hepburn))) I appreciate you on here and the support you given me...I am happy to have you as my friend:) even if its just cyber world here~

I made alot of mistakes in my life and I had alot thrown at me as well, I have learned to move on from the pain and not beat myself up so much, but its hard, cause I been trained to beat myself up and not love myself...

I have to keep working at it here, its a daily thing, as we all know that...just thought I say that! I am trying to let go of the negative in my life, but it somehow keeps getting thrown up in my face, over and over again, its like some will not let it go, they hold onto that anger cause they feel a need to beat me up, over and over, very much like my abusive family...

I do not know how long i can be here or take this, but I do know I wll try as long as your here and a few others who have compassion and love in their hearts, that is why i stay, but it does get old after awhile, esp after you already said your sorry, how long do I have to keep doing that for? Is not one meaningful heartfelt I am sorry enough around here?

i guess not, sorry but i am getting a feeling of being scapegoated here again, I do not like it and it feels very famliiar to me, something I am trying to let go of cause it does cause me stress and hurt and I do not want to go that route, I just want to live, exist and move on!

THANKS for being there for me, my friend hepburn!

June 23, 2010
9:35 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Today...I will not hurt or harm myself...not today!

June 23, 2010
11:39 am
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Hepburn
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(((Bfg)))

You are welcome BFG. You have a good heart, and I admire your honesty.

You wear your heart AND your vulnerabilities on your sleeve. Most people don't do that. Even here, where no one can see us. EVERYONE has their vulnerabilities. You choose to expose your underbelly for all to see. You show people (especially on here) the ugly side of what happens when one is abused. Not that there's anything but an ugly side. But it's right there, out in the open.

People see a lot of you in themselves. And that may be hard to "look" at. Especially if someone's still living in denial. So there's going to be fear. People handle fear differently.

It's not you "Barefootgirl", it's THEIR triggers they get because of how open you are. You have been the catalyst of many triggers. So that's why you feel you are the scapegoat. It's probably one reason why your family treats you the way they do. You trigger in them THEIR issues, and because they don't know how to deal with it and they live in denial, they are going to lash out.

It's sort of like the "Kill the messenger" concept.

I applaud you for trying to heal yourself. Exposing yourself here. But you have to remember what this site is. It's a hot bed of of dysfunction, addiction, abused people, recovering or not codependents and everything else in between.

Love,

Hep

June 23, 2010
11:49 am
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Hepburn
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I forgot to add that in turn YOU are being triggered here as well. Which is part a of YOUR healing.

Love,

Hep

June 23, 2010
11:51 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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((((Hepburn))))
Gosh I love you! You understand and see so much here and yes I do do that and it would be wise of me to not wear it on my sleeve...countless people warned me and yet I never learn...
But I am learning to be ok with what others think of me...I think I was putting too much importance on them and their judgements of me and my feelings...
That I missed me, what I think of myself...I am learning so much here...good and bad about me and with gentle compassionate people like you...
I will keep growing.
I am sorry to read about your son...I could not imagine how that feels...my first reaction would be to smack the hell out of his abusive gf!
He has to see this and see its not ok...I hope he does soon...something tells me he will not put up with that for long...you also have a wonderful heart and a way with words...he will hear you...how old is he?

June 23, 2010
12:02 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I went back and reread your post...so he is 20....so how you handle this is in some ways harder but I do think at age 20...he will not hang in their as long as a teenager would...
You know that defiance thing...I think around age 20..we have more maturity so that is good here.
Could you get him away for a weekend? Camping or something...just to get him some time to unwrap his mind? Abusers like to keep their prey close and away from the sound of reason...
I lived this...once you get some distance and your away and with respectful kind people....you start to see something more peaceful...
I hope something here helps...if not, I will keep you and him in my thoughts and wishing you all well.

June 23, 2010
12:12 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I for a long time...whenever I would accidently bump into someone..that they would yell at me....so I came to expect that from people...when I got older I would then yell first to prevent being the one who got screamed at first...as I got older...I stop yelling...I paused and then I seen that most people will not scream but say sorry! Even if it was me who accidently ran into them...most of the time...people say sorry!
But I learned something wrong...cause that isd how I seen the world...I had to learn that all by myself...and I did thanlfully.
For someone to have pointed it out before I was ready to learn...only would of made me defensive and more angry..
What I learned was not to go around pointing out peoples faults...now I am not perfect...I have but I really try to mind my own problems!
Just something I learned latley...its not directed to anyone here...peace all!

June 23, 2010
1:17 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I need to conserve my energy and be very selective where I go for now on..

June 19, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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There
are many theories around why some of us self harm...I am not sure
what, if any of the reasons apply to me.. I do know I need to
stop...I been on meds and in theraphy since age 12. I am afraid of
going bald...of my hair not growing anymore at my age (45)... I
pull my hair out...I know...it sounds strange...but I been doing
this for most my life... Anyone care to give kind helpful
comments?

June 19, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chinadoll
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 193
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I
watched a tv show about people that were having stress and anxiety,
and there was a girl who pulled her hair out. She was a fashion
model and had to wear wigs, because she had too many thin/bald
areas.

There was a
modeling job she really wanted and did not get it because the
agency had her take a set of pictures without the wigs, they wanted
to see the "real" her. This caused her such heartbreak when they
got the pictures back and turned her down .

She went back to
therapy, and was able to find a therapist who helped her with
anxiety and compulsions.

After a few
months, some of her hair started to grow back, she had not been
pulling it out.

I can't remember
the name of the tv show, but it was on TLC, I think, a couple of
months back.

June 20, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((BFG)))

I'm sorry you're
going through that. My cousin's daughter used to be a cutter. I had
heard that people who hurt themselves want to FEEL. Feel that they
exist. Some don't know how to let out their feelings when something
goes wrong so they hurt themselves. I would think extreme
frustration could cause that too, along with anxiety like china
mentioned.

What does your
therapist say?

Love,

Hep

June 20, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
New Member
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Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
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Thanks for the posts guys((hugs)))_

My t used to ask
me if it was sexual and I am still not sure what she meant...I do
not have sex...only before marriage and like a few yrs later did we
actually have that...another story... I do not believe is sexual or
cause I am stressed or numb...or need to feel. I feel too much...I
always feel sad but lately do I rarely cry... I think I do deny
anger, and feelings...I just blow it off as much as
possible...maybe I am taking my anger out on me physically...
Everone around me would always take their anger out on me in
eitheer hitting or screaming or scarasm or belittlement...so maybe
I took over that? Anyhow...she felt it was my mom and I have to
agree...I was scared of my mom and to this day I do worry she will
come with a gun one day and kill me or us... But she is getting old
now...i also have to worry bout my brother doing that tro my
parents... Maybe its just is worry and anger and I guess
stress..

I just know I am
scared of going bald...I can still hide it but its not growing back
like it used too...I want to stop...I do not want to embrass my
daughter or have her think ill of me or her friends... Ugh...thanks
for posting to me guys...I appreciate that... Have a good
day:)

June 20, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
BAREFOOTGIRL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I
once did meet someone else who pulled her hair...her parents were
hauntingly like my own... She and I were also very similiar...I
noticed she tip toed around her mom...had few friends like me and
her dad ignorned her as well... The similarties were like a slap in
the face...I am sure all of us who do this with our hair are not
all as similiar but it was really weird... So much so that I had to
pull back from our frienship... She and I could of been
sisters...when I looked at her...not looks but our spirits were the
same...hurts and everyrthing... Just really creeped me
out!

June 20, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This
may or may not be useful but have you considered you may have
something else entirely you are dealing with. My daughter developed
alopecia. We went to the dermatologist and they prescribed dome
ointments and her hair started growing back.

Bitsy

June 20, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
BAREFOOTGIRL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks bitsy...no I have what they call trichotillomania...I
been to several therapists since age 12...its "intentionally"
pulling out the hair...and I think other criteria like...it has to
be for so long...a pattern and etc.

I hope you
daughter is better now...its hell being young and bald...I could
not even begin to tell you my war stories from jr high and how
badly I was teased...I was alone, depressed and to be honest...I
have no idea how I made it through those few years...later around
age 16...I got back hair...which doesn't always happen...long thick
hair too...but it returned around my late 20s I think...its been
off and on ever since...

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