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Science Without Bounds - the new religion?
September 18, 2006
7:31 pm
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Bevdee.

Things aren't as kosher as I thought.

When I read:

"Now here is where it gets jacked up. Sometimes I feel rejected. I know it is irrational, but I do. I wish I had shared with him more about myself, but I would not want that to affect any decision he makes toward this situation."

I am sure this is childhood 'stuff' coming back to haunt you.

When I broke it off with Ms. Sneaky, I was soooo elated to be free of her!!! Yet two weeks later when she got engaged on the rebound to a guy she hardly knew and went to bed with him immediately, I plummeted into a deep pit of abandonment and rejection. I couldn't believe it!! I was so glad to get rid of her yet I craved her so badly both at once!! Even though I understood what was going on, that didn't change my severe emotional reaction. I realized that somehow the information about her engagement and subsequent brandishing of the ring under my nose triggered off long ago painful emotions into full recall. I bit the bullet and kept away from her. When the fiancee dropped her some weeks later after screwing the arse off her, she started making the hot arse phone calls to my answering machine. I ignored them. Now she's engaged to another guy altogether. As of the last time I saw her a week ago, she is now mighty shitty with me over something. I don't know why and I don't care. She has resorted to glaring at me.

In this case I know that your situation is different. Yet I strongly suspect that your bf's behavior has triggered of some childhood emotional memory into full recall.

The truth, and I'm sure you know it, is that you are well and truly capable of meeting all your needs without this bf anyway. I think you are very wise not to get involved in any game playing with him at all at this stage.

I know that at such times it is very hard not to feel that you are not good enough in some way - somehow lessened and diminished by his obviously poor choice in not handling this ex much better. But such feelings are bullshit!!! They are your childhood past rebounding and nothing more! You are just as valuable a person to yourself and others after this event as before. Nothing has changed in this regard!!!

If I were you, the question, that I would ask myself very seriously, is:

IS THIS GUY REALLY WORTHY OF HAVING AROUND YOU???????

It sounds to me like he is seccumbing to his ex's game playing and manipulations by her using his kids as the bargaining chip. If his ex is his template match, you might do well to drop him altogether like a hot potato. Unless he understands the template process, he is on a roller coaster ride to nowhere. He sure is skating on thin ice with both you and his ex-situation!!

Phew!

September 19, 2006
5:07 pm
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Thanks Tez

It's always good to hear from you. Thank you for all your sentiments - most of them echo mine!! I have some thoughts about it. Do you want to hear them?

"I am sure this is childhood 'stuff' coming back to haunt you." I know. I realise that it is stemming from feeling I wasn't good enough to have my mother's love. And I always felt second best because of her one track mind when it came to my sister. If I can just work my baby Bevdee through feeling rejected, I know I will be ok. He wants to keep seeing me. I made the decision not to if the ex is still there.

"When I broke it off with Ms. Sneaky, I was soooo elated to be free of her!!! Yet two weeks later when she got engaged on the rebound to a guy she hardly knew and went to bed with him immediately, I plummeted into a deep pit of abandonment and rejection. I couldn't believe it!! I was so glad to get rid of her yet I craved her so badly both at once!! Even though I understood what was going on, that didn't change my severe emotional reaction." Tez? I just love this about you. You are so honest about your emotions.

"But such feelings are bullshit!!!" I know, and when I have them? I talk myself through them. You said something once about "steady Eddie" - I do something like that. I remind myself that I don't want to ride the rollercoaster. I don't want to be miserable and I really don't want to become physically ill from it. I started to get angry a couple of times, but stopped. I don't want to expend my energy on being angry.

Your question - "IS THIS GUY REALLY WORTHY OF HAVING AROUND YOU??????? " I don't know what worthy is, but I believe it ultimately comes back around to me.

You know, I am making lists - and not of his physical attributes, but how he made me feel. Most important - why he made me feel the way he did. Being with him validated me when I could not do this for myself. I am getting better but man, he really helped.

I have this concept? perception? of normal and healthy. Because he seems so happy, laughs easily, has such a positive outlook, is so active with the horses and roping and all - and did not need me for money, or to ridicule and abuse me- he was so gentle a lover, I felt like he was "normal." I didn't feel like I was. A year ago, I felt so flawed. I had all these secrets- the abuse, my family, the relationship with my cousin that I can't talk about. I have all these deficiencies and fears. So I kept all this to myself while I worked on healing. I just didn't want my guts all over the floor, you know? I did not want him to see me as too "needy". I told myself I did not want to "need" him for my feelings of self-worth.

I never pried about the separation or status of the divorce. Because - I didn't want to seem nosy, and I don't want to get married right away, if at all. I have never cared about "holy matrimony" or the "sanctity" of marriage. I don't want anyone to live with me. Not at this point in my life. It would distract me. ( I don't want to get bogged down worrying about cooking supper, washing dishes and getting all pissed off for always having to clean the toilet). I didn't pry because I didn't want him to think I was pushing for that when I wasn't. When I was having so much trouble financially, I didn't want him to think I was trying to finagle for some place to live.

And if I indulge my impulses- going out and "gettin me some" to make myself feel desirable, (especially with the casinoman)- I believe it will eventually only reinforce my feelings of low self-worth and afterward, I would just heap self-loathing on top of that. So I am going to try to stay focused - on work, school, and my --what? What do I call what I have been doing? Growth / healing/ journey? Whatever it is called, I am better for it.

And I believe I am healthier for having this relationship. I picked a gentleman. A really nice man. I told you once he always asked me if (not when) he could see me, if I wanted to do this, or if it was ok to do that--he never took me for granted. He was honest with me about her coming back. And he has respected my decision and so far has not made it more difficult for me by calling.

"If his ex is his template match, ......" I know!! I have thought of this several times since he told me.Yes, everyone has template matches, but mine are not in such close proximity. I will not be his relief from a situation that will make him miserable.

Tez, I made a good decision! I made a decision to consider my emotional well-being first. I made the decision as if I were considering a child's feelings. I made a decision based on my "adult" self-respect. I have never done this before and I am beginning to have an idea of what the word empowerment means.

Bevdee

September 21, 2006
5:13 pm
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Tez

I got a joke for you - scientist dude!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One turns to the other
and says, "I think I've lost my electron." The other asks,
"Are you sure?" "Yes," the first says, "I'm positive."

You've probably heard it-Bevdee

September 21, 2006
6:22 pm
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Bevdee

Apart from the many interesting things you write, every so often something grabs my attention. Below is just such a statement:

"I don't know what worthy is, but I believe it ultimately comes back around to me."

This made me think about what I consider someone being worthy of me means to me.

I asked myself:

Why wasn't Ms. Sneaky worthy of having me?

Well ... I consider that if I give someone access to me in an intimate way 24/7 I am both making myself vulnerable and giving them a gift of experiencing me at a deep level. If I consider that person to be shallow, inconsiderate, insincere, self-centred and unappreciative then they IMHO are unworthy of me. If a person with whom I am involved, makes major decisions that effect me without heavily involving me in the decision making process then that person is not worthy of me.

Ms. Sneaky failed on all worthiness accounts.

Using my criteria, how does your guy stack up in the worthiness stakes?

And you said:

"Tez, I made a good decision! I made a decision to consider my emotional well-being first. I made the decision as if I were considering a child's feelings. I made a decision based on my "adult" self-respect. I have never done this before and I am beginning to have an idea of what the word empowerment means."

Good stuff!! You sure seem to have a good approach to your life. I'm sure that you are doing just fine.

September 21, 2006
6:32 pm
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Good joke BevDee.

No I hadn't heard it before. I had a bit of a chuckle.

Though only those conversant with the electrical characteristics of the atom would appreciate the 'double' meaning.

My mind immediately dived into analyzing the nature of humor of this kind. It seems that when we are going along extracting an obvious meaning and then we realize that there is another equally valid meaning and we've been duped by the joke teller in some way, we think that it is humorous. Why??? Verry intterrrestinng! I'll contemplate that further.

September 22, 2006
3:13 pm
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Tez,

Glad to hear from you.

I am thinking hard - real hard - about your questions.

"If I consider that person to be shallow, inconsiderate, insincere, self-centred and unappreciative then they IMHO are unworthy of me."

I don't think he is any of the above. I believe he is really hating the situation, but I said before- I will not put myself in the position of being relief from his misery. That misery - that comes back to him. We make choices, don't we? This is something he will have to work through.

He showed himself to be a kind caring person to me in many ways, especially when I told him about my ex-roommate's husband and all the shit that was going on. He was very upset and ready to get me moved out of there, but I refused his offer of financial assistance. He like to worried me to death about that.

I wonder if I might be perceived as being unworthy of him. Because if I play this back --- "If I consider that person to be shallow, inconsiderate, insincere, self-centred and unappreciative then they IMHO are unworthy of me." --- and wonder what he thought of my reserve - my inability to share more than that little bit of myself with him.

He did not "use" me. I feel very unsullied by this. Uninsulted.

This is why I say it comes back to me. I don't fault him for his decision. I can't. Believe me, I know what that template pull is. Remember? I worried that I would blow it and have sex with the casino man. And I know exactly how hard it is to go against the expectations of family. It's lonely when you do.

Neither one of us ever said the L-word. We never made long range plans or promises to each other. I don't know if I do love him. I don't hate him. I really like him, and I grew during our relationship. It wasn't harmful to me.

I could really get all bent out of shape about this, but I have survived worse situations. I would be lying if I led you to believe I haven't cried over this- but I won't let it take me down.

The Buddhist school of thought - everything constantly changes? Sure does.

How bout you? What have you been up to?

Bevdee

September 22, 2006
3:35 pm
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Tez - I'm sorry I couldn't resist the double entendre.

Do televangelists do more than lay people?

Bevdee

September 22, 2006
6:28 pm
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BevDee.

Hee Hee 🙂

The Bakers surely did.

September 22, 2006
6:32 pm
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BevDee.

Regarding your newly ex-ed bf, a wise decision I feel.

Is he highly conversant with the nature of template addictions?

If not then I fear that it might have to be 'bye bye' permanently.

September 25, 2006
10:47 am
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Tez- I think you are right.

I don't know if he is conversant with template matches, because I have never conversed with him about it. I don't feel that I can just up and call him now, to ask him, or present him with this info. Chances are he would understand, but I don't want him to think I am trying to make excuses for HIM, or think this is the means I use to try to get him kick her out. If he comes to any realisation about her, THEN he and I can talk about it.

I am having to struggle against this feeling - In missing his companionship and all, in feeling the loss, the thought creeps in - Oh but I love him. I never had that thought before. Love. Like a child crying for the moon? The moon the child herself walked away from? How backwards is that?

There are habits in most relationships and I took comfort from those in this one -and the familiarity.

During the day, I feel fine. I am walking more, drinking more water, breathing deeply, and treating myself well. Taking care of my physical body. But late at night, I think about it, and think I can't do it again. It is alot harder to meet men at my age. Where should I start? Should I start? Hang out at the auto parts store? Bowling alley? Medical supply warehouse? Entice them while they are shopping for trusses? Sheeit!! I'm NOT gonna cruise the F**kin personals. Once, I agreed to meet a man for dinner. He was lots heavier and more bald than the picture he posted, and he had a very loud voice. He announced to me I was real fine lookin' and he would like to handcuff me and whoop my ass. Mer. Ci. Ful. God.

Loud. I told him I needed to visit the restroom, and I left the restaurant.

Tez? I don't wanna EVER take a chance on that happening again.

I ask myself how this last piece is fitting into my grand scheme puzzle. Was this practice? My last chance? A lesson? A chance to walk without any kind of crutch? I have no idea.

May I ask you a hypothetical question? If your lady, Joy, suddenly left your life, how would you feel?

Bevdee

September 25, 2006
6:31 pm
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bevdee.

'allo again.

You said:

"It is alot harder to meet men at my age. Where should I start?"

I found it easier and your still a young chick! Age is all relative - it all depends on the individual, how young they think, how active they keep themselves, how positive they view life, how much fun they have. I'm no Mel Gibson, yet I have done alright for myself over the years - much better than when I was 20. Of course I'm not referring to Ms. Stinky and Ms. Sneaky here - there were others, including my present partner and several others during my recent separation from her two years ago. I must admit that I don't really like the single scene all that much though.

I found dancing to be a place where women can safely check out guys before becoming involved. I'm not talking about 'meat market' type dances. I'm talking about dances where people go who enjoy dancing for its own sake. The spin off is that such dances are like extended families wherein the women soon fill you in on who is a 'rat' and who is a nice guy. Equally, the guys discuss who is a two timing 'prick teaser' and who is not, etc.

I chose ballroom dancing. Over there I think you would have a larger choice of dancing styles from which to choose. Besides, even if you don't get onto someone straight off, it is somehow satisfying to go home to bed alone minus a 'nookie' after lots of contact with and approval from the opposite sex. Of course you would have to like dancing. It even burns up calories and helps in the fitness stakes.

You said:

"I ask myself how this last piece is fitting into my grand scheme puzzle. Was this practice? My last chance? A lesson? A chance to walk without any kind of crutch? I have no idea."

Hmmmm!!! After the final Ms. Stinky break up I was convinced that I had come to the end of the road. I remember doing my washing and telling myself: "This is the last woman you are ever going to have, This is it - no more nookie for you boyo. That's it. You are going to end up in a single man's boarding house living in one room. " How wrong I was!!!!

It is natural to have these thoughts as loneliness launches its insideous attacks!!! All the things you dread won't happen! Life doesn't work that way. You probably have several more partners in front of you before you settle on the guy for you who suites you without being too strong a template that you get too much pain. Your recent bf sounded good except that he has unfinished business. He is not the last guy on earth - there are millions of them!! Out of these there are perhaps 10,000 who are just right for you. How will you meet just one? KARMA!!!!!! It is almost certainly already in the pipeline without your knowledge. Unless of course your karma is not yet finished with your cowboy.

How can I be so sure? Well:

1. I know you are sexually active.

2. The mind is very powerful. What you sincerely yearn for and visualize long enough and consistently enough will happen! I have living proof in my own live of this. Your mind, unbeknowns to you, will reach out to the mind of one of the 10,000 guys and conspire with it unbeknown to him. It might be the guy who just happens to be walking by when you drop your parcel. His eyes might meet yours and you both will have the thought: "This is my new partner." After a few blustering clumsy words, he might laugh and say: "let's go in this coffee shop right here and just enjoy a coffee on me." Next thing you know you are having coffee with him thinking: "Why am I doing this? shouldn't be doing this. He'll think I'm an easy pick up." KARMA doesn't let us get away with being single all our life unless the single life is our greatest, strongest desire. Since you like sex with the right guy in a permanent relationship and you're good loking, it isn't your long term karma - you will not be single for long, that's for sure. Enjoy it while you can!

You said:

"May I ask you a hypothetical question? If your lady, Joy, suddenly left your life, how would you feel?"

I'd feel very lonely for a while. I'd feel much like you feel and do much the same things such as walking etc. Remember, Joy and I broke up in January 2004. So I remember well how I felt and how it was. I was a dancer with many years experience. I'm told by women that I am a good dancer to boot. I had recourse to lots of female company and attention. I'm sure that if you went dancing in the correct scene - not the meat market - you'd do just fine too as I did. Except that against my better judgement and because of my arrogant cocksuredness, I let Ms. Sneaky get into my pants!! After breaking off with Ms. Sneaky in June 2004, I just danced with women. I knew one woman who wanted me to just go to bed with her. I told her that I didn't want any kind of relationship other than sex. She was happy with this arrangement. For a few months I lived the single life, getting my rocks off if and when I wanted it. This was apparently often enough to keep this woman happy. But I wasn't happy about the deal. It was too cold, just like being with a prostitute. I wanted someone nice just like Joy. I had long talks with my sister who being a professional therapist knew lots of women. She said that the chances of meeting another woman like Joy, who was not a template match and yet with whom I found sex satisfying, were very remote. So I decided to go looking. But first I decided to eliminate any possibility of getting Joy back first - just so I would never regret not trying. I thought that I had Buckley's and Nunn chance of getting Joy back. She was in a permanent sexual relationship with another guy living miles away by then though not living with him. I sent her a letter asking her to come back. To my surprise I got a phone call from her immediately after she got the letter. To my complete surprise, she agreed to come back. Both she and I have had to change our ways and we have. It seems to be working out despite the odd hiccup now and then.

I think that I am a little different to you. I have a very distructive template image of a woman who is very vindictive, abusive, deceitful and manipulative. I think your template image might not be as bad - but I don't know. I only know that the women who powerfully sexually attract me are disastrous for me. The rest don't do much for me sexually. I know that there are very few women who I find both sexually attractive and who are not template matches. Karma seems to have me firmly attached to Joy at the moment. But who knows - nothing is permanent.

September 29, 2006
1:26 pm
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Tez

Thank you sugar. I needed that. Now you get a long post!!

You know, I was thinking of my grandma - I told you she is in her 80s and snagged her a younger man - in his 70s. The bra flinging and all. They are happy. And you are right - I will attract and find what I am looking for. You said it like this - "The mind is very powerful. What you sincerely yearn for and visualize long enough and consistently enough will happen!"

I know. I was pretty close to whining in that last post, wasn't I? I am not going to curl up and die. I promise. Yesterday, because this week I have on the way to a call, I stopped by a small hospital to visit my friend, the director of the xray dept. We were very close when we worked together several years ago, and we have kept in contact through e-mail, but not seen each other for almost 2 years. Last January, her partner - Common-law husband (they lived together for 7 years) died after a year of battling pancreatic cancer with chemotherapy. He was 47, a year older than me. Her first husband cheated on her and whooped up on her pretty bad, but she stayed married to him for 10 years because they had 3 children. This 2nd guy was so good to her, shared her goals, was a tech, and supported her in her career. He was crazy about her - sent her flowers fo no particular reason. When he died, I grieved for him and for her loss. It sure doesn't seem fair.

I did not tell her I was stopping by, so I just bounced on into her office, and she looked up and smiled as if she had only seen me yesterday. That's how she is - gracious and peaceful. Now - She told me her 22 year old daughter has been "seeing to it" that she get out of the house, and one night dragged her out to see this blues band- the daughter knows the lead guitarist. My friend tells me since that night they have gone back to see the band several times, and she has had a few dates with the drummer!! She laughed and said'" I'm kind of a groupie!" I have always loved her spirit!! She also tells me she has a fix-up date this weekend with someone else. Well well!

I went to see my friend today, expecting to offer condolences, and because of her unquenchable spirit, she gave me hope. Not just about MEN, but she gave me hope because I can see she is healing. Moving forward.

You are right, I will have to stay open to new experiences. I'm not much of a dancer, but there are plenty of things to do around here, and I am not going to make excuses to stay in the house or not go out. That's what I did after Lucifer - but this is not the same!! Not this time. I could make the excuse of studying - school is kickin my butt, but I will make time. If I don't, I am afraid the only interaction with humans I have will be with overworked nurses, and geriatric patients!!

I have kept up with the arguments here about religion - very interesting to me since I am more aware of my triggers.

Now -- I have another story for you. I had to attend a business lunch this week. I have this ladder of supervisors with whom I never interact, because the office is in Dallas. They made a trip to take us (3 techs in the rural area) to tell us that the work load has expanded, we will be driving further, and this will of course require more call-back. And we are to start wearing same color Polo shirts!!

Now this is not how the info was presented, Tez. In typical management style, they told us "it is being considered, and we would like your input". Redflag Redflag!! I have been in this field a long time, and I have finally learned to keep my mouth shut. I have hoed that row before honey!! The local lead tech, who I work some with and get along with real well, blurted out, "Oh no one wants to wear a Polo shirt, we will look like housekeeping in the nursing homes" !! Then she started kicking me under the table. For the entire lunch, I made nothing but non-comittal remarks. (Can you imagine me without words? I think my lips disappeared because I was pursing them to keep from laughing. To everything she said, whether about the shirts or the distances of the new assignments - the marketer and the district manager started talking OVER her, and all her INPUT. She kept up with that kicking!! The bottom line, and the manager and marketer finally said or implied was- this is going to happen and if we want to keep our job, this is what we will do.

Then they told us they are implementing a new marketing strategy - we, the techs, are to take baskets of cookies or candy when we are called to the facilities. (This is all about keeping contracts or getting them signed for another year) I kept a straight face- but my lead tech was very upset and frustrated by this point said," How bout a pie, and I'll just throw it in their face?" Merciful merciful............ Then the local lead tech told the marketer this' " How bout you do the marketing and I will do the xrays?"
To which the marketer replied," If I can do this much ( held her arms wide) then you can do this much (held her thumb and forefinger apart an inch)" The lead tech held her thumb and forefinger an inch apart and asked, " Can you do this much xray?"

I was struck by how little management in health care has changed in the 25 years I have been in this field. The only difference is they Pretend to encourage feedback, and I think they do this to get folks to talk, enabling them to see who malcontents might be. I have always been leery of Opinion Polls. They also do it to take good suggestions and claim them for their own. MY HUMBLE OPINION.

I keep my head down. I was glad it was lunch and there was something to look down at, and eat to keep my mouth busy.

When we were back to the office and the corporate managers gone I kicked her shin 3 times, and told her I owed her several more and she would just have to wonder when it was coming. She laughed and told me she would be watching for it.

While I maintained my composure throughout the meeting, I was very upset! Even though since I was quietly watching, not interacting and running my mouth and trying to prove a point the way my co-worker was, I was upset at the manipulation of management. I have seen this so much in the past,but with this new job, have felt removed by it, due to the nature of my job - riding around in a car alone to these facilities. I spent that entire evening trying to figure out why it upset me.

I have figured out all the reasons, and know there is no imminent threat of losing my job, but I am guessing this iron fisted management approach will still trigger me next time I have to attend a meeting like that one. What I need to work on is being prepared for it -This time, I just shut down, for fear of saying what was on my mind, and they did not want to hear that. I need to get a little better at getting my point across - or maybe not. I just stated they don't want to hear it.

I am now trying to figure out if the triggering is from childhood, or if its just my expereinces in the last 25 years or corporate health care.

I hope those little cookie baskets have some sugar free stuff in them, so I can eat them while I am driving!!

Bevdee

September 29, 2006
11:05 pm
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bevdee.

You have my sympathy and empathy. You hit a raw nerve with me. It seems that both marketing bullshit and marketing bullshitters are the same the world over.

Combine marketing bullshitters with myopic bean counters and you have a
recipe that is guaranteed to bring any private or public organization down.

What really gets up my nose is that when the consequences of their actions manifest they are either nowhere to be found or trying to blame those at the 'coal face' to get themselves off the hook of their own making!!!

One thing you will never hear is these same f..kwits saying either publicly or privately: "Oh we stuffed up. We admit it. Its all our fault. We accept full responsibilities for the damage done and the good staff who we either sacked or forced to resign."

As for "we are looking for your input" and "this is a team decision" hmmmmm!!! When I worked as a teacher at the South Bank Institute of Technical and Further Education, the marketing bird-brains decided that we teachers would 'volunteer' to go out into industry and market our courses. They seemed oblivious to the fact that we were all on full teaching loads! The bean counters saw to that! I don't know why these marketing twits thought we should do their job as well. They couldn't even do their own. Of course we teachers simply ignored their bullshit and got on with the job that we were paid to do. Needless to say that the incompetent admin, + bean counters + marketing bullshit artists broke the spirit of many teachers and others like myself told them where to put their teaching job and left. I left in May 1997 after full time teaching for 11 years. Now the teaching staff in our department has been decimated. There are only 8 teachers left now. The course enrollments have fallen due to lowering standards. The reputation of the qualifications given by our department is in tatters. Now there is a public outcry from the industry complaining about a shortage of skilled people!!! I'm still waiting for the incompetent admin, + bean counters + marketing bullshit artists to come forward with an admission of guilt and an apology - hell will freeze over first, I fear.

Prior to resigning my teaching position in 1997, I studied High Performance Teams management techniques and the psychology underpinning same. I was spearheading a move to set up a Quality School within our organization. Management was delighted with this - but they only wanted the 'veneer' nothing else! Empowerment of 'the team' through team decisionmaking was the buzz words then. But ... that's all I ever saw in practice. Hierarchial management practices were superimposed upon our teams completely disempowering them whilst at the same time trying to maintain a glossy veneer of self-managed, high performance teams to 'impress' the politicians, the public and other significant others in the higher eschelons of our incompetent management. I resigned in disgust.

If the f..kwits had half a brain they would have realized that, given that the team members are competent, the only way to have a team perform well is for each and every member to BOTH share a common vision of where the business is going AND to OWN THE BABY!

If an 'authority figure' orders you to change the shitty daiper of someone else's baby, how well eager are you going to be to do it and how well would you wipe its arse? However, if it is your baby, no orders are needed and the job will be done pronto - par excellence! This ain't rocket science - yet this simple message seems to elude management/marketing bird brains.

You have my full permission to copy this post and send it to your marketeers and management 'guns'.

You said:

"I am now trying to figure out if the triggering is from childhood, or if its just my expereinces in the last 25 years or corporate health care."

If I were in that position I would feel triggered too.

I would feel that my personal freedom and right to wear what I choose in my job within the bounds of my profession is being eroded.

I would feel that the primary focus was upon appearances and fringe trivia rather than on the services supplied. I would feel a loss of confidence in the intelligence of management.

I would lose motivation to do my job well. Then I would suffer cognitive dissonance - the conflict between not wanting to make an effort and wanting to do a good job.

In having to wear a McDonald's uniform, I would feel slighted and disrespected as a professional.

If I was asked for input wherein I knew that only input favorable to the whims of marketing was wanted, I would feel an insult to my intelligence in marketing thinking I could not see through the deception.

I would resent being associated with bosses who are obviously poor leaders.

I would feel that both an injustice and an erosion of my rights was being perpetrated upon me which puts me in a 'no win' situation.

In believing that I am being put in a no win situation by management, I would feel like a victim!

I would not have sufficient humility to take my ego's rebellion against management stupidity with a pinch of salt.

By seeing that you do have more than the 2 choices of complying or leaving, I do hope that you can come to terms with your inner conflicts in a way that leaves you in a peaceful and serene state of mind. I doubt that I could though. It is certainly a good test that life has thrown at you.

Best of luck at a tough time, BevDee.

September 30, 2006
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Tez good to hear from you.

My goodness I sure did hit a nerve! From your post it seems we have had very similar experiences. Corporations are same everywhere, aren't they?

I appreciate you offering your support at a difficult time. I have thought this out and gained a little perspective.

Marketing is about money, and in the corporation I work for, that calls for keeping old and getting new contracts. Our region has new competition and lost several accounts a few years ago. The marketing lady needs our cooperation to drive further, be out on call-back longer (which will result in less sleep). The marketer gets huge cash bonuses for new contracts, possibly bonuses for renewed contracts, and I expect she worries about losing more contracts and how that will affect her position with the company. So when my coworker raised her objections, the marketer started the bullying.The coworkers objections were threatening to the marketer, because of her fear of losing her goal - the MONEY. She needs our "cooperation". If we have "bad attitude" or refuse, the contract could be lost, and woops!! There goes her money, and standing in the company.

Shoot - sometimes it is a blessing and sometimes a curse to have knowledge and insight!!

"In believing that I am being put in a no win situation by management, I would feel like a victim!" Yes! The victim syndrome again! It spills all over the place for me!! I know the reasons they do what they do, but I don't like it.

I am not as disappointed in this situation as I was 15 years ago. It has taken me a long time to figure out that despite what we are told, my field is not truly geared toward patient care (until there is a complaint, and then the lip-service starts up again and a fall guy goes down) but it is about contracts and reimbursement. After my initial disillusionment I had to make a decision.

I decided I needed to work to support myself. In order to do this, I have to pretend to agree with the bosses. Or I have to NOT disagree. I have to keep my mouth shut. This is the most difficult for me, because I am NOT a good actor. I am told that even when I keep my mouth shut, my eyes blaze when I am angry. I am not a very good actress.

I strive to treat everyone the same. 1st - kindly, 2nd- professionally. I am gentle with my patients. I have professional integrity.

I have struggled with this periodically for more than 20 years. Looking back, I would say that the corporations went full throttle about 20 years ago. I like my field. I have had jobs that I hated, but I really like the imaging. I do a good job, and I am still learning. I have learned the hard way what a cutthroat field it is, and have been burned before but.............. I have kept my personal integrity. I don't lose any sleep over this.

Sometimes the bullshit almost overrides the satisfaction of the work, though.

In my opinion, there is no such thing as corporate integrity - I think that phrase is an oxymoron, simply for the way the empoyees are treated.

I will wear the stupid shirt - it's not that big a deal. The shirts are provided by the corporation, but we will have to purchase khaki colored pants. No style specified - so I am going to go out and get some khaki cargo pants at the army surplus store! They have all these pockets, and we are losing 2 pockets with the change of shirt style. I might get a bug up my ass and get a hunting vest!! I'm being silly - but Polo/Commando! I may drop and roll into the next lunch (not really).

I can carry the stupid cookie baskets - that is the going thing with marketing in my field. (Corporate cookies?)

I have already established rapport with the staff at the different facilities. My coworker and I look alot alike from a distance ( same build, hair color, and similar hairstyle), and I get mistaken for her alot. She is pretty brusque and to the point. Honestly, she can be abrasive. This is not my style, because I have found that if I am friendly and communicate well, I am more apt to get help quickly if I need it. I have been with this job for 4 months, and the staff at several facilities have already remarked on the difference.

I don't want to change jobs again. My courses are my back-up plan. Ironically, I chose coding (for insurance reimbursement) as a 2nd accreditation, in case something ever disabled me from being able to do imaging. My plan is to gain experience, at a prn or part-time position, and then work from home. Like, sit in my bathrobe and do the work! I am hoping this new workload doesn't cut into my studying time.

But - you said this -

"If I was asked for input wherein I knew that only input favorable to the whims of marketing was wanted, I would feel an insult to my intelligence in marketing thinking I could not see through the deception. " BULLSEYE!!!

Still, I don't have to see these marketing clowns often at all. Maybe twice a year. I told my coworker the next time they offer us free lunch to further an agenda, I will puncture a tire on my car, somewhere far out in the country, so I will be unable to attend. Eat a sandwich in the car. My coworker was so angry at the lunch, she did not remember making the pie-in-the-face remark. I have a history of this- this being so angry I can't remember what I said! That might be called blind rage? That's why I try so hard to keep my mouth shut. That way all I have to do is remember what the other person(s) said.

Because of my raising - I have to work at being stronger than the corporate attempt at mind control. You say -"By seeing that you do have more than the 2 choices of complying or leaving, I do hope that you can come to terms with your inner conflicts in a way that leaves you in a peaceful and serene state of mind. I doubt that I could though. It is certainly a good test that life has thrown at you."

So this management style is common worldwide? I wonder if this is another reason everyone is so messed up? I am forced to get continuing education for my field, but to my knowledge there is nothing out there to help offset the effects of working for a corporation. I'm thinking of that other thread - the psychotherapy cult, and I am also reminded again of what my niece said about church - they just try to make you feel bad.

Oh! Here it comes again, Tez! I am getting a big picture- of subjugation and codependency again!! How the reality or the perception of being controlled affects my self-esteem. I see it in so many areas. My upbringing - the indoctrination of religion, my own folks' style of parenting, our government!! - and the 25 years I have spent in a health care setting.

I wonder if this is my unique perspective - arising from my personal experiences, or a keen perception?

Ok - so the challenge for me personally, for my sanity! -as you said, is to come to terms with the inner conflict. It all comes back to that, and I believe that means how I process it.

Bevdee

September 30, 2006
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Bevdee.

You are doin' fine - I can see that from your post. (No mention of ex-bf)

You said:

" I wonder if this is my unique perspective - arising from my personal experiences, or a keen perception?"

I doubt that it is a unique perspective. Our self-esteem does tend to take a dive when we perceive that we are being controlled by others without any choice. There are at least two ways of thinking that can offset this loss of self-esteem, I believe. One way is to see that we are choosing to do the will of others because it is of little importance to us what we choose. Another way is to see that the self who we are esteeming less is a figment of our imagination and not really as we perceive ourselves to be. The latter way takes some deep insights into the absolute nature of the self. , I don't think this is easy to see and grasp.

Then you said:

"Ok - so the challenge for me personally, for my sanity! -as you said, is to come to terms with the inner conflict. It all comes back to that, and I believe that means how I process it."

Yes how we process this conflict cognitively can trigger off our emotions negatively sometimes. Often in such circumstances, we think that our emotions validate our thoughts and beliefs rather than recognizing that our thoughts have just triggered them off. It is difficult for me at times to just take a mental position of the observer and to watch my mind working. The cognitive, emotional and sense organ interplay creates a reality that is rarely, if ever, "real" except in my mind.

Still no resolution- that you know of - for the ex-bf and his ex yet?

October 3, 2006
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Tez

Glad to hear from you.

"Yes how we process this conflict cognitively can trigger off our emotions negatively sometimes. Often in such circumstances, we think that our emotions validate our thoughts and beliefs rather than recognizing that our thoughts have just triggered them off. It is difficult for me at times to just take a mental position of the observer and to watch my mind working. The cognitive, emotional and sense organ interplay creates a reality that is rarely, if ever, "real" except in my mind."

Here is something that happened to me the other night. I do not think of myself as a drama queen, but I am starting to consider the title drama princess ( by default?)

For the last couple of months, my friend, ex-roommate, has been telling me about a woman we both used to work with. I never cared much for this woman. She was one of those cutthroats and caused me alot of problems. She and my friend are friends. The lady, S, is is now an abusive relationship, and the abusive man has siphoned off a large amount of money from their business.(her money invested- not his). She is in huge legal and financial trouble, then she-(S) lost her hospital job 2 weeks ago. The abuse has escalated, her children are terrified, and Friday night, S had to leave her home, take her children to their daddy's, and spent the night in a battered women's shelter in another town. My friend offered to let S stay with her until she could get restraining orders in place, and bank acounts locked - and get the man out of her home. Because of my past and my fear from my experiences, I guess!! - I started thinking of the worst case scenario, and my neighbor's 12 year old son, visiting there for the weekend. If the abusive man found out where my neighbor lives, and got to acting crazy, the little boy ( little 6' tall boy) did not need to be exposed to any possible actions this abuser might take.

I walked over and explained my concern for the situation and my concern for the son, and offered to let S stay with me. Her abuser does not know me, and as far as anyone S mght know, my neighbor's folks are still living here.

I had made plans that evening with the niceman. This would have been the first time I have seen him. I had to call him to explain why I couldn't make it. He said "you know she will probly go back, don't you?" and I told him "yes, I know- because I have been there myself. But if she doesn't feel safe to go back tonight, I am going to offer her a place to stay." He didn't make any comment. I told him I knew that she might go back after gauging the situation for the degree of possible danger involved if she left, because that's what I did. S's man has alot to lose, there is alot of money and a business involved, and he needs her cooperation to use her. I know too well how an abuser's fear will make him abuse.

I think I was in the middle of a flashback or something!! I broke my date! to help this woman I never particularly cared for, because I wouldn't wish abuse of this kind on my worst enemy. In explaining to him why I couldn't see him that night, without thinking, I just Blurted out that "thing" The horrible shameful secret that for over a year I had held back from telling, because I was afraid of his reaction. He did not react as far as I could tell over the phone.

The next morning, he called me at 6am to see how we were doing, and to tell me he was coming down the road. S had decided to spend the previous night at my friend's, next door, so he came in and we talked for a little bit. I was real tired and didn't ask him a thing!! I am such a coward Tez. He didn't say anything about his ex, either. I am sure if she were gone, he would have said something about it to me. I am also sure that he was genuinely worried about me in the situation he thought I could have been in the night before. I told him what had happened, like - my neighbor got several calls from S's abuser, but she just played it off, saying she hadn't seen her, or had any call from her, as if S were not sitting right there. He just held me to him, and told me he had worried all night.

So I quoted you at the beginning of this post - I could not take the "mental position of the observer" when I heard of this woman, S's, abuse. I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to my friend's son, so I offered my home to a woman I have never liked, and sometimes disliked. And broke a date for it. In explaining to him why I was breaking the date, my emotions were still running high, and I forgot the caution I had always used with him!!

I am trying to figure out my response to the situation with my friend and S. I am a fixer and problem solver, I have acquired critical thinking skills from emergency rooms, I have an awareness of the dangers of the type of man she is dealing with. All that just kicked in, causing me to go into some Mode to help hide her.

I just don't understand myself sometimes. Common sense should have told me to stay out of it. I am trying to figure out or admit to myself why I couldn't bring myself to ask him about his ex.

Bevdee

October 4, 2006
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Bevdee.

Thanks for your excellent and lucid response.

Phew! Your emotions rightly or wrongly have control of your ship, haven't they?

You seem to me to have knowingly placed yourself in harm's way on at least two accounts, that seem to me to be driven by emotional needs alone.

Strongly emphasizing with 'S', you seem to have involved yourself heavily for better or for worse in her affairs.

You seem to have opened the door to the 'niceman' without him indicating any commitment to you other than indicating that he cares about you. I can see that you needed that support. But you now seem to have emeshed yourself into the nice man's dilemma with his ex. He is now going to want more, is he not? Or will it be you that is doing the wanting?

You are in a difficult situation. The powerful emotional unthinking captain is steering the ship straight for the reef and the much less powerful intellectual captain has to figure out how to lull the powerful captain into quiescence in order to get her back into her cabin and therein to relinquish control of the ship.

Screaming at, abusing, sitting in self-judgment upon and criticizing the powerful captain would seem to only make her more determined to maintain the same course more adamantly and to irrationally justify same.

I had a 'progressive' dance on Saturday night wherein partners change in a big circle. The dance finished with Ms Sneaky progressing to me. I stood there with her and heard my powerful emotional captain saying: "You look gorgeous" - to which she just smiled that come on smile of hers. Hmmmmmmm!!! In a very soft seemingly considerate way, knowing that Joy was watching her like a hawk, she said: "You don't have to walk me to my seat. I'll go by myself." I replied: "No. I will do the right thing and walk you to your seat." As I walked beside her, she said in a very seductive way: "I won't hold your hand because I know that it will cause trouble." Suddenly, I heard myself sternly and firmly say: "Yes, it would." When I got her back to her seat, I had time to get the powerful emotional captain back into his cabin. Without saying another word to her, I politely and formally thanked her fiancee for the good grace in letting me dance with his partner. He is a good bloke and responded very well. Nothing more eventuated. All doors remain firmly shut. Thereafter Ms. Sneaky made a few valiant attempts to push herself in front of me deliberately trying to give me the opportunity to talk to her. I ignored these attempts and moved away each time. I have to be very careful to keep the powerful captain happy and in his cabin, as it were. It isn't easy and this control didn't come easy or overnight. Now I keep getting image flashbacks of her in bed with me! Each time I have to get to work reassuring the murmering, powerful captain as he starts to awaken.

Best of luck in your dealings with your emotional, powerful captain. May she be lulled into a quiet, undemanding emotional state of peace and contentment. May your cognitively strong captain wisely and compassionately take the wheel and escape the subservient role to your emotions; a role that can be so harmful and so precarious. That is my wish for you. You know much better than I what you have to do.

Till next time ... ...

October 5, 2006
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Hi Tez

Thanks for this- you are constantly challenging me to keep thinking.

"You seem to me to have knowingly placed yourself in harm's way on at least two accounts, that seem to me to be driven by emotional needs alone."

Knowingly - I would prefer to think it is only in retrospect. I am having trouble calming these emotions during a perceived crisis. I couldn't stay detached from my emotional response.

With the niceman, at first, I tried so hard to stay detached, in any way other than sexual. I can't. I can't seem to stay detached unless I kind of don't like the man I am f**king. And if I kind of don't like him, I kind of feel creepy about myself.

I now know I have trouble with intimacy because of the abuse I suffered as a child, and in the violently abusive situation about 15 years ago. I have been able to see for quite a while how reluctant I am to share myself with anyone. I am almost paralysingly unable to state my needs, wants or boundaries -and if I do at all, it is apologetically or angrily. I don't think I ever got as far with my counselor, 10 years ago, as I have just in "talking" to you, and I don't know that I could have done that if this had not been anonymous. No eye contact, know what I mean?

I have this deep rooted fear of being thought vulnerable. When I was a little girl, I NEVER cried when I got a whoopin. My sister used to tell me when Daddy whooped us, I should pretend to cry because that is what she did, and he would let up as soon as she did. I never could. I tried very hard not to let Lucifer know that he hurt me physically, and I never cried in his presence, with the exception of my Granddad's death and funeral. He told me he was shocked at my tears.

This is deep inside me - tears feel helpless to me. Sharing my emotions seems needy. Very risky.

This is why I didn't share much of myself with the nice man until recently. It took me such a long time to look at him during sex. I finally quit covering my body with the blankets afterward.

"You seem to have opened the door to the 'niceman' without him indicating any commitment to you other than indicating that he cares about you. I can see that you needed that support. But you now seem to have emeshed yourself into the nice man's dilemma with his ex." I don't know what this means - enmeshed with his ex? I have not agreed to see him again.

By the way - he was right. 3 days later, S got her children and went back to that man, AND told him where she had been staying. My friend is furious. I have told her my take on it. The offer I made was sincere, but S's decisions do not take anything from me. That next time a situation like this presents itself, we need to remember, like with any decision, the decision to leave an abuser is entirely the abused's. Both my friend and I have been there and know how long it took us.

Tez, thank you for your wishes. You are very sweet. I thank you again for being such a source of comfort and wisdom to me. I know you know this - but -your responses to my posts never allow me to rest on my laurels. Ha.

"I had a 'progressive' dance on Saturday night wherein partners change in a big circle. The dance finished with Ms Sneaky progressing to me. I stood there with her and heard my powerful emotional captain saying: "You look gorgeous" -" She is still with her fiancee? How DO women do this?

And this emotional captain - this captain must be in charge of the "blurting" department. I know this all too well. I have to admit, I have wondered if you always maintained control.

Do you say this --- "He is now going to want more, is he not? Or will it be you that is doing the wanting?--- because of your response to just Seeing Ms Sneaky?" or from other experiences?

Bevdee

October 6, 2006
6:20 pm
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Hi BevDee.

It's good to hear from you.

You quoted me and said:

"But you now seem to have emeshed yourself into the nice man's dilemma with his ex." I don't know what this means - enmeshed with his ex? I have not agreed to see him again."

I strongly suspect is that Mr. Niceman believes that your door is ajar with the chainlatch in place - not closed. I suspect that he thinks that he still has an emotional 'hold' on you; that he can contact you to discuss his and your difficulties. The lines of communication are open, aren't they - no bridges have been burnt, analogously speaking? Are you not in the wings of his relationship stage, so to speak? That is the impression that I got. I may have got it wrong, though. Correct me if I have.

"And this emotional captain - this captain must be in charge of the "blurting" department. I know this all too well. I have to admit, I have wondered if you always maintained control."

No I don't always maintain control. I sometimes fail miserably, regroup, learn from my failures, and make a firm commitment to continue working at my 'emotional maintenance'. I hope I haven't given you the impression that I have attained some superior state of perfection - far from it.

After my "blurting" failure with Ms. Sneaky, I quickly regained the highground leaving her with the clear message that nothing had changed - she knows that she is well and truly out of my life permanently now - come what may. As for her fiancee, after my episode he had to watch her giving this guy a not too dispassionate kiss on the lips. I suspect that it might have been partially for my 'benefit'- however not entirely.

I have a great deal of empathy and sympathy for Ms. Sneaky's fiancee. She gives every half way attractive male the 'come on' without delivering. In Oz, we call these type of women prick teasers. She delivers what she promises only when the 'price is right'. She is like a prostitute minus the honesty. I have a grudging admiration for prostitutes. With them, the price is up front, fixed and the 'goods' are delivered, not like Ms. Sneaky. I am not interested in her goods of any kind - cognitively speaking of course. My emotions, encumbered with the baggage of childhood emotional memories, tell a different story. In my case, the less powerful captain has to remain ever vigilant.

"Do you say this --- "He is now going to want more, is he not? Or will it be you that is doing the wanting?--- because of your response to just Seeing Ms Sneaky?" or from other experiences?"

I doubt that it has much to do with seeing Ms. Sneaky. From long experience, I am well aware of the demands made by retriggered emotional memories from bitter experience. Generally speaking I know the power our emotions have. They are our driving force most of the time - wonderful servants, very poor masters.

Must away, now - til next time, stay alert.

October 9, 2006
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Hi Tez

Always glad to hear from you.

I am still thinking bout enmeshed? I have never seen his ex, and I have no intention of doing so. Part of the reason I told him I did not want to see him until he had resolved that situation is because I do not want to get involved in a "situation" that might turn violent.Emotionally or physically. I don't want to place myself in any proximity to him with her. I don't want her to see us together and I don't want to see them together - if she perceived me to be the reason for her loss - she might strike out at me. I don't want to get kicked in the teeth or anything. I don't want to bring any unnecessary emotion or bullshit into this.

"Are you not in the wings of his relationship stage, so to speak?" I am not sure what you mean by this?

Yes, I will wait and see what he does. I will not participate in his working it out. If, in the meantime, I meet someone else to spend (precious little) time with, then I will do that. Even if I don't meet someone, I will be ok. I am sure I will have some bad days, some insecure days, but I have this growing certainty.

I said this to myself repeatedly - I was not going to let myself need him. But I did. I "needed" him to feel normal. I "needed" him to be a bulwark against my craziness. My fear. My anger. My sexual impulses. The casino man. The nice man's steady happy outlook on life helped me. (The casino man and I related well, but when it was not pigf**kin, it was negative, in that we could agree about the same things - to bitch about. We had alot in common that way)

I admire the niceman. I am now dealing with the fact the niceman is human and imperfect, but I "made" him into perfect. And I put my faith in him when I did not have faith or confidence in myself.

I am not disappointed in him, or angry with myself - today. I am feeling much better than I did last week.

For several reasons. First of all, my fear went full throttle, and I was unable to sleep. So I started taking melatonin again and I have gotten 8 hours or more each night. This makes a huge difference for me. I have also been taking the time to cook, instead of eating fast food or frozen food. When I take the time to nourish myself, my body feels better.

I am making myself breathe. I am consciously relaxing my shoulders. I am going back to the place I was in June, because that is when everything spun out of control, and I let my emotions go with it.

Oct 5- I said to you -" I am almost paralysingly unable to state my needs, wants or boundaries -and if I do at all, it is apologetically or angrily." Well, I have been thinking about this. Alot. (It helps to write down and/or post something, doesn't it?)

SO - I was talking to my mother about (what else?) my sister. She will be moving in with my mom in about a month. My mom told me as soon as she gets her "settled", they will come see me. (I don't know if you remember me telling you my sister claims to have these awful contagious parasites - it is called Morgellon's disease although she has never seen a doctor about it.) I thought about this for a few minutes while my mom was chattering away, and finally I told her-calmly! "Mom, I would love to see you and Sissy, but the parasite thing really freaks me out. I have enough going against me with diabetes. Some days I have no energy, some days I am disoriented from low sugar. I heal slower and it takes over a month for a cut, burn or blister to heal. I don't want to risk infestation."

She was pretty cool about it. She told me she understood and respected it, and we would figure something out. Ha!A new thing for me.

I listen to other people's problems too often and absorb alot of emotion. There is a friend, and there is a cousin. This past weekend I told them both I needed to concentrate on myself. I have not had any phone calls so far.

Ok! Enough about myself- how the heck are ya Tez? Are you still going ninety to nothin with your business?

These dances!! I still don't see how you all can go and watch that Sneaky woman and her maneuvers. You said "She gives every half way attractive male the 'come on' without delivering."

I have a question if you don't mind?- other than the obvious slurpy kisses, what do you consider a come on from a woman? Is it body language? Posture? Eye contact?

Bevdee

October 9, 2006
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Bevdee

Hi again, good to hear from you.

Taking the last question first, you asked:

"... what do you consider a come on from a woman? Is it body language? Posture? Eye contact?"

Yep, all of that. There is a very attractive woman who watches me all the time with eyes that speak volumes. A couple of years ago when I was on the single scene, I had a dance with her at the 'Twilight Dance'. This dance venue is very seductive in nature, dim lights, beautiful music, candles everywhere the works. I had the 'Engagement Waltz' with her. This is a beautiful waltz and she is a good dancer. I'm told that I am too. For some reason everything just came together and the experience was euphoric. She was groaning all the way through just like she was having an orgasm. I thanked her for the dance saying that I have never had such a wonderful dance experience. A couple of months later I came accross her at another dance when she had a partner and I didn't. She came over to me and asked me for a dance(not normally done here). I said yes. While we were dancing she asked me to be her 'permanent'(?) partner. I said: "What about your bf?" to which she replied:"Oh he's not my bf - he's only my partner for tonight only." I told her I'd think about it and get back to her. I never did because Joy came back. Ever since then, when I see her, and I did last Saturday night at a dance, she keeps staring at me with these longing, watery eyes. I'm no Mel Gibson so I guess she see something in me that I don't. I think it was that dance experience - I don't know. But she sure came on to me verbally the night that I mentioned above. Her eyes speak volumes ever since. Ms. Sneaky's 'come ons' are very different. She uses body language to a seductive finess the like of which I've seen no equal. One guy said to a buddy of mine that he could f...k Ms. Sneaky if he wanted to. I laughed when my buddy told me this. Ms. Sneaky has half the male dancing population thinking this. The closest they will get to her is in their dreams. Ms. Sneaky has heaps of guys on a string and then she goes in for the kill when the price is right for her. I'm the only guy that I know of - ever -who chewed her up and spat her out first. On Sunday night she was pashing my muso buddy!!! Despite my warnings to him and his protestations to the opposite, I think he is under her spell too!! I am a little worried that she is trying to hit out at me through him. Hmmmm! It won't work. But hell certainly has no fury like a woman scorned - especially vindictive and a once only scorned Ms. Sneaky. I spoiled her perfect score of her always doing the dumping. I'm the one who turned the tables on her for once. She's got the message now, I think.

Some other come ons? I had a woman wink at me consistently with overexaggerated eye movements. She would change her dance shoes with legs wide open in my direction. One day I walked up to her when she was 'taking my photo' if you know what I mean, and I said: "Could you move your arm a little I can't quit see all the way." I then turned and walked away. She just giggled like a school girl. Then one day she raved and ranted at me about the scuttlebutt going around the dance scene about her and her ex. It was all in her head. However, I had the definite feeling that she was venting her anger and frustration onto me because of my refusal to take advantage of her so obvious come ons. I've never seen her since. Another woman knowing I was with Joy gave me her business card with her private phone number on the back. She left no doubt in my mind wat she wanted. I took the card with a noncommittal smile and later dumped it. She is a very beautiful Canadian woman. She's another Ms. Sneaky but without the same degree of seductive finesse. Now she's snagged herself an airlines pilot with large real estate holdings I believe.

Does that answer your question? My above response makes me look like I've got tickets on myself which I haven't I assure you.

You were talking about diabetes. This is a growing worldwide problem in the wealthy nations. There is an Aussie researcher who has found the gene causing diabetes in rats. He's close to tracking it down in humans. He is optimistic that a cure will soon be forthcoming in humans.

You said:

"I am making myself breathe. I am consciously relaxing my shoulders. I am going back to the place I was in June, because that is when everything spun out of control, and I let my emotions go with it."

That's good. I am taking very early morning walks. I am avoiding the pathways and deliberately seeking our rougher bushy ground. This forces me to watch the ground and selectively place my feet carefully. It is a form of walking meditation. Concentrating on body parts as they function brings me right into the here and now. This is great mind training. When muscles tense it is because the mind is creating fight/flight/immobilization scenarios in response to negative imaginings that fire off these fear responses. Concentrating on the here and now disturbs these destructive unconscious thought processes. So my walks are good for my body, mind and spirit. Sitting meditation has other great benefits too. I've just come back from a 6 km walk now, had a shower, then breakfast and I feel great. Joy's down the back doing her horticulture hobby work. She's into plants, wildlife etc - thats her thing.

I've rambled on a bit. If I have not addressed any particular point or question it is not deliberate - just let me know and I will do so.

My work is calling for my attention. Till next time ...

October 11, 2006
2:50 pm
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Tez

Thanks for your response.

I asked about body language because, as I told you before, I have become more aware of my body language or posture in a man's presence. I found myself straightening my back when a good looking man walks in a room.

The kind of behaviour you described to me is very obvious, I would agree that those gestures are come-ons. I would add licking lips, playing with hair.

But I have never done this at work. I always sit with my knees together. A couple of year's ago, I had a supervisor that I did not like. He had very poor organisational skills and he yelled at the employees when he got stressed. When I first started, he made a couple oblique compliments to me. I ignored them, because I do not feel the comments were appropriate in the workplace. He repeatedly and unsuccessfuly tried to impress me. After a couple of months, when he saw he wasn't impressing me, he started his payback. He never let me take breaks and would not let me go to lunch until after 3 pm. Friday was casual denim day, but I preferred to wear my scrubs, because they are loose and comfortable. After I was there a few months, he told me, in front of several other employees that we all needed to wear jeans, and he would like to see me wearing my jeans. He looked me up and down when he said this. Another time, he said, in the presence of students, while raking his eyes down and up my body, "I bet you a real good dancer" Another time "Do you date?" All strictly inappropriate for the workplace. I observed that the women who reciprocated his flirting were given easier patients, longer breaks, etc.

One evening, while working late, a patient jumped up and flipped off the scan table. Over my shoulder, hitting my head and knocking a pierced earring out of my ear. He landed on the floor, and as I tried to ease him down, he took me with him. He rocked back and hit his head on the floor. I shouted for help, and when the other staff came in, this supervisor included, I was sitting on the floor with the patient, my hand behind him to support his back. I asked the supervisor to call the ER doc, as I did not want to leave the patient for fear he would fall. All this done, the supervisor came back and put his hand along the patient's back, fingers touching mine. The flipping patient asked me for a wet washcloth, and I jumped to my feet to get it for him. The supervisor called across the exam room to me, "Wow, you are reeaally limber!!!" I ignored him and brought the patient his cloth. The supervisor again asked me how I stayed so limber. Believe me, seduction was the last thing on my mind in this situation!! I was concerned for the patient.

Administration asked me about this, because someone else reported it. I told them what I remembered happening, and at their request documented it. He was fired shortly afterward, but there were several other complaints-incidents with other female employees that factored in their decision.

I was the villainess at work until I quit 6 months later. I have never had this problem before, at other facilities, when I was younger (and even more limber!!) There were male coworkers that were quite vocal with me, making comments like - you sure think alot of yourself- and I heard men remarking how hard it was to work with women nowadays.

The comments continued even after it became common knowledge the supv. had harassed other women at that facility- he actually asked a female with a same sex partner if she and her lady friend would like to go with him and his wife to Vegas!! -cornered a 19 year old file clerk in the stacks and slid his hand between her legs-asked my friend/neighbor/ex- roommate to see her navel ring- and had been fired from his previous job for sexual harassment.

It was like a divided camp. The men did not find his behaviour at all exceptional, and some of the women even acted as if those of us who had suffered the harassment had somehow brought it on ourselves. Now at work - I notice myself folding my arms across my chest, even at my new job.

It's hard to do the right thing. And being codependent, I guess - I always internalised everything and blamed or questioned myself in all situations.

After my boundary stating? my mom gave me a break for a couple of days.Then I had a call last night that my sister was in jail for stabbing her boyfriend's arm with a barbecue utensil, drawing blood. She was angry that he would not get drugs for her. My nieces were there and the older one called the police on her mother!! After my sister was placed in the police car, she beat her head repeatedly against the car window. That news kinda shot my night. My mother was asking me what to do!! In spite of my resolve not to offer my Opinions! I told her to think hard about taking her in her home, and think to the future and elder abuse.

Sometimes, when she calls, I don't answer- I wait for her to leave voicemail, then return the call after I have had time to mentally prepare myself for the conversation.

Some days are better, and some ain't!!

Love ya - Bevdee

October 12, 2006
8:16 pm
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Bevdee.

Luv ya too.

Talking about sexual harrassment, we had a new French girl start as an educational assistant to us teachers. One of my dumb habits used to be dropping phrases in several different languages, such things as "Guten morgan mien genediggerfraulien" and "Actung, swinehund." (German mostly learned from Hogan's Heroes on TV and practicing on a German buddy of mine)

When this new French girl was introduced to me, without thinking, I blurted out "Vous lez vous couche avec moi?" I had gotten the words from a hit song that you probably know. Well... she went bright red, screamed some abuse at me in French and stormed out of the room.

It was only after desperately recalling my schoolday's French did I realize that I had point blank asked her if she would go to bed with me. Well ... all hell broke loose. Only the fact that I was popular with all the women and well known for my clowning around saved me from instant dismissal. All the women got her in the staff room and convinced her that I did not speak French and was unaware of what I had said. She fronted me and I explained and I apologised to her. After that she thought it was funny and we were on very good terms from then on.

Would you believe that the boss got to hear of the incident and made me the official "Sexual Harrassment Officer" for the department. Everyone thought this was a great joke except me. I held this unwelcomed position involving extracurricular non-teaching duties for about a month. One day a staunch feminist caught me alone in the lift(elevator in US speak). She was unleashing her rabid feminism on me assuming that I was likeminded. Clowning around again I said: "Oh I thought that being the Sexual Harrassment Officer meant that I could sexually harrass women with impunity." She was infuriated and stormed out of the lift at the admin floor where the director of the institute had his office. Much to my delight and the amusement of my teaching buddies, within a half an hour I was taken off the part time duties of Sexual Harrassment Officer.

So to get back at my buddies for taking the piss out of me, I sat down and wrote a very official looking document which asked all male staff to fill in a list of all the women in the faculty who they would definitely not sexually harrass. The memo stated that unwillingness to either complete and return the form or to leave names off the list would be interpreted as their intent to harrass every female or non-listed females respectively.

I photocopied this officially worded and presented form and put a copy in every one's pidgen hole even the womens'. Did that cause a stir. Only my closest buddies knew that I did it and that it wasn't genuine Admin document. There was one very butch self-declared lesbian in the faculty. Every fella put her name down. I'm sure she was delighted. But then the rest of the women wanted to know what was wrong with them if their name went down OR those left off the lists wanted to know who it was who intended to sexually harrass them.

With a performance that deserved an academy award, I ran around with a very angry pretense, saying:"Management has no right to expect us to fill out this form and return it." No one could work out who it was in Admin who had circulated the document.

All this and many other pranks kept us all sane in the insane assylum of our faculty.

You have a real problem with your sister. She is in a bad way. Moms being what they are, it will be hard to convince your mom to cut her adrift. Your mom is in a no-win situation. It is very sad for both you and your mom. It must really hurt you to see all the attention going to your sister who has caused so much trouble when you have by comparison been so good to your mom with only criticism in return. It reminds me of the biblical story of the father and his one prodical and his other faithful son. The prodical son, despite his debaunchery got rewarded just the same. No wonder the faithful, trustworthy, loyal hard working son felt chagrined. Not that I like the bible, I don't, as you know.

Phew! What can you do to help your mom and your sister that won't emotionally destraught you? You are in a no-win situation too. All I can see is that you can do is for you to somehow be a good listener, a garbage can into which your mom can dump her very heavy emotional loads. That can be very diffcult for you, I can see that - especially when the situation with your sister appears to be so hopelessly beyond either your mother's or your control.

Catch ya later.

October 13, 2006
4:40 pm
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Tez,

Thanks for your response. Good to hear from you.

Re: sexual harassment. Yes it is hard to know how to "mind ya Ps and Qs" anymore.

This was a blurry line of distinction for me until the issue came to the USs attention during the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings(?). That media attention caused workplaces all over the country to implement guidelines, didn't it? I say blurry because -by the age of 17, I was a waitress, and in that line of work, my livelihood depended on some of that interplay - I got better tips. It is amazing what results long blonde hair, a small waist, perky bosom, and shiny lip gloss can garner - even in a Mom and Pop restaurant. The size of the gratuity depended on my response to flirtation, as well as being able to keep orders straight, and serve food gracefully.

I left all that when I entered a professional field. Totally different setting than a bar or restaurant. That is why I say the line was blurry - because of the world I had been exposed to up to that point.

Sometimes even when we do behave, body language or spoken language can be correctly interpreted or misinterpreted. Perilous!!! In the situation I described to you, I have wondered if the incident would have been addressed at all had there not been a patient in the room. As I said, I did not report it, I know enough about dept politics to keep my mouth shut. I was shunned for being harassed and documenting it at the director's command. However, if I had a daughter or niece being subjected to that, I can't say what my response would be.

Tez!! "She was unleashing her rabid feminism on me assuming that I was likeminded." Rabid? I hope she didn't bite you!! Ouch.

And as for the French? If there is ever a next time that requires a French greeting - "enchante" will usually suffice!!

The realisation I came to during all of the harassment with my former supervisor was this - I was not flattered by his attention, because he did not want me. This was not about desire. He flirted to see if I would play his supervisor game. I wouldn't, so he stepped it up. It was about him gauging his power and control over me. And in my opinion that is not different from physical rape. Rape is not about desire. I don't believe sexual harassment is either.

And my poor sissy. Again, you hit the bulls-eye in naming my paradox!! My ingrained instinct is to help, but this is between her and my mom. When you said," It reminds me of the biblical story of the father and his one prodigal and his other faithful son. The prodical son, despite his debaunchery got rewarded just the same. No wonder the faithful, trustworthy, loyal hard working son felt chagrined." why, it made me think of a country song that came out in the 80s - Ozark Mountain Jubilee by The Oak Ridge Boys. It used to tear my heart out - Mom lives in the Ozarks!!

Ozark Mountain Jubilee
by The Oak Ridge Boys

"I hear a rooster crowin'

It's a frosty mornin'

I can almost see the sign

Goin' so fast I can't stop

I'm just a stones-throw from Little Rock

Headin' for that Missouri line.

Don't need a map to get there

You can get there from anywhere

When you're goin' in your head

I can see the arms outreachin'

Just like the day I was leavin'

It's been oh, so many years.

Let me get on the Frisco Silver Dollar Line

Take my time

And see all I can see

Fiddler rosin up your bow

We'll have our own

Ozark Mountain Jubilee.

If I can't be a favorite son

I'll be the prodigal one

'Cause I've been gone too long

Oh how the years have flown by

Oh how I've realized

How much of me is gone. "

Oh me and my country songs!! If I can't be a favorite son then I'll be a prodigal one! I was neither.

I have been struggling with my perception of obligation to my family vs obligation to myself, much like the situation with S and my neighbors last week. Thankfully, I am too far away, and have my studying as an excuse.

Meanwhile, everything else is pretty quiet. The niceman has not called, and my emotions regarding that situation have calmed down quite a bit. It just takes a little time, I guess.

Today - fatalistically,

Bevdee

October 14, 2006
5:35 pm
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Bevdee.

Interesting poem. Much of it went over my head for lack of local knowledge of the places and customs. But by and large, I got the drift.

I agree with you about a lot of boss sexual harrassment of female employees and rape being about power games. The interesting thing is that those who crave to feel powerful are those desiring to offset feelings of insecurity and thus fear in a milder form.

I think we all to some degree or another suffer from low level existential angst because we are driven to survive. A large component of many men's sexual drive, is power driven and thus fear based - I believe. I know that when I am feeling depressed (learned helplessness), sex is the last thing that I want. IMHO depression is a feeling of powerlessness over that which we fear.But when I feel powerful enough to exert control over that fear by external behavior, then I seek to behave accordingly. Here comes the sixty four million dollar question:

What is it that men fear about women that makes them want to have power over them and to control them sexually - i.e, sexually harrass them????? The answer runs deep - I think.

I realize that my motivations to evolve my business products into better devices with less manufacturing labor content in order to maximize productivity, deep down, are offsetting very subtle and well hidden underlying fear of death, IMHO. These urges have my mind continually returning to technical issues - even when watching a TV show. After a good meditation session, I am able to relax, let go of all that, and just watch TV without churning over all the implications of what's on the show. Letting go and living in the moment requires lots of mind control and awareness.

You said:

"I have been struggling with my perception of obligation to my family vs obligation to myself, ..."

Yes, I have continually to do battle with this struggle too. In my case, I have realized that the driving force to meet my 'obligation' to others and my desire to 'do the right thing' doesn't stem from any inherent nobility in me but rather from a well hidden fear of rejection from my supporting network whatever its its nature - business, family or otherwise. Often times when I closely examine this issue I find that when I think objectively, I realize that there is in fact no genuine 'obligation' there at all! Cravings to be a people pleaser is IMHO based upon a strong desire to initiate and/or cement relationships for the same reasons of offsetting unconscious, low level survival based angst.

In the above regard, you may be very different to me though when you said:

"Thankfully, I am too far away, and have my studying as an excuse."

If you didn't meet your family's expectations of you and you point blank offered no excuse or explanation to either yourself or them whatsoever, then what would it be that you would fear happening?

If that event that you feared did happen as a result of not meeting your obligations to your family, what do you think the consequences of that happening would be for you?

You said:

"The niceman has not called, and my emotions regarding that situation have calmed down quite a bit."

If he did call you, saying: "Would you mind if I came over to your place later tonight? I need to talk about us", what do you think that you would say and do?

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