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Science Without Bounds - the new religion?
August 4, 2006
3:17 pm
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Thats ok, but if you think about it, you were probably thinking about him all the time (like I used to think about this girl) and it was only the "hits" that you're taking into consideration when you say you had the ESP connection. Isnt that right? Thats not what you'd like to think though.

$1 million dollar and no one has claimed it. That link is interesting about the couple, gonna check it again now. Its an ESP couple in real life - or so they claim.

August 4, 2006
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Tez- another long one!!

Thank you for saying - "I'm sorry to hear about your rough week. I sincerely hope I don't make it any worse."

Please don't ever think that. Ever since I opened up to you and Free2choose ( and where has SHE gone!?) I have had such clarity. I have been able to handle this week better than I would have 2 months ago. It was a couple of things you wrote, and a couple of things she wrote that just shrieked at me. It has helped to have you ferret through my outpourings. Sometimes in trying to communicate, I feel I am talking in circles or sstuttering!!! I notice myself arriving at something in a very roundabout way. It is the touch it-drop it- circle around it, that I described before. It is so nice to have someone to communicate with. I don't feel so isolated. Sometimes it still feels risky to open up to anyone. And yes, the anonymity is comforting. Thank you.

The thing I focused on was your discussion with Free2choose and all the porn people about the amygdala. For several months, I had been asking myself why I felt like a little girl. And asking myself over and over why I could not "grow up" And even then, I saw similarities in Luc's mother and my mother. And I read here about other people's abuse a and wondered how they could function at all.

Yesterday, at work, when my emotions and grief were at a peak over my friends mother, and my friends creepy husband, all sorts of thoughts came pouring forth. I tried to write them all down before I forgot, and that is where my last post came from. Odd that these insights come to me on the crest of a great emotional wave. After the "wave" subsided, I was able to think about the emotion. Does this ever happen to you? Or are the coming of your insights always a calm thing, as in when you are meditating, or just waking up from a good nights sleep?
Because - truth has a way of coming out when someone is drunk or crying - or both, doesn't it?

Also - "It is my firm belief that we communicate with both loved ones AND those we hate at a telepathic but unconscious level to orchestrate and maintain the 'game' that we are playing. I have ample circumstantial evidence to support this belief of mine."

I only have personal experiences with this. I have always had precognitions, the strongest ones in dreams. Always with family members. Sometimes with very close friends. My mother's ability to "see" is so strong, growing up I thought she could just tell every single thing I thought. She told me years later that she was bluffing about every thought!! She also told me this ability had caused her alot of pain, especially as a young girl, because - she could tell when people were lying to her. She an I both dream precognitively, but some of her seeing is while she is awake. For example, once she and her husband were driving back from the lake, and she screamed at him to take an older , rougher, curvier road. He did not argue with her, and when they got home, they saw on the news that there had been a horrible accident on the highway she insisted he turn off of. Several people were killed in a multiple car pile-up.

Mine must be a weak trickle down inheritance from her, and is not as powerful as hers. I dreamed of my sister holding a baby each time she was pregnant, before she had told anyone. Lots of others. I have noticed however, that I "receive" more clearly and more often when I don't have alot going on in my life that would distract my mind.

My daddy has always "known" when my sister or I were feeling bad, even with miles between us. He has a knack of calling, and saying, "well I was just thinkin about you, so I thought I'd call" I told him he was "psychic" once, and he said "no, no that's god telling me" (maybe the "god" within us.)

Years ago, I had a friend die violently at the end of her husband's sawed off shotgun. Her children witnessed it. I was consumed with grief at my loss and sorrow for the trauma of those little tiny girls.... to have seen such a thing!! I did not eat or sleep well for 10 days. Finally I slept a full night. It was this night that I had the dream in which I was walking in a basement of some sort, with low overhanging pipes. I turned a corner and saw my friend. I can still remember the colors in the sweater she was wearing. In this dream, I asked her what she was doing. She told me she was just "hangin around, waiting to see what happens. My girls need me" I asked her if she was going to "haunt the shit out of that bastard" and she smiled and faded away. Having this dream took away my grief. It comforted me. Maybe it was only a subconscious way of soothing myself, but her husband pled insanity, did his time in a mental institution. He was released 1 year later, and shortly after his release, killed himself.

I don't talk about these dreams because most folks don't believe me, or they think I am some kinda trippy chick or a witch and pronounce judgement on me. I'm serious.

I still dream sometimes about the abuser. When I do, I am pretty sure he is dreaming of me. I heard a line in a song on the radio today - And I didn't even catch the name of the song, but I'm gonna find out. It said -

"When your leave your body laying on your bed at night

And you drift away to somewhere like you do

In the morning when you open up your eyes

Do the lovers in your dreams wake up too?

Do the lovers in your dreams wake up, too?"

Pretty wild for me to have heard that. So I think this must happen to other folks, too!

Oh have mercy!!!! Where you said, "I will tell you something here that is disgusting and sick but highly relevant to this discussion. When I am having sex with a template match, my sexual highs come from both the control I have over their bodies and the imagined abuse I am dishing out. I imagine that I am f..king a pig. I'm NOT into beastiality at all! But in my mind I think "cop this you pig" as I drive my ... home with agression rather than love. This is not how it is when I am having sex with non template women. "

What I'm fixin to tell ya? You will see how twisted I am, but when I first read this I laughed. I don't know why, because I have been on the receiving end of this kind of sex. And that can be ok too, you know, as long as there is no other pain inflicted.

I think I laughed out loud because you were honest enough to say it. Come to think of it, though--when I was in college, I waited tables at a bar. I have never let myself be picked up in a bar since, because as the waitress, I was "invisible" and overheard many conversations. One statement comes to mind. One man was bragging to his friends that he had "had" a certain woman the night before, and bragged how he had " "punished" that p***y, and the b***ch took it." But they didn't know I was hearing them.

Maybe we are not so unique, Tez. Not sick and twisted, but abnormally normal? Maybe we are just in the minority in that we admit it. When we're not drunk.

You said something in a previous post about the sexual fantasies you had, and that you would not want anyone to know about them. We all have them. Just like everyone masturbates. Anyone that says they don't - well Tez, they are lying.

And here is another thought. because you said, " Thus I secretly hate Sneaky and Stinky and always did almost from first sight. Yet I powerfully craved physical connectedness to both of them by cuddling and in sexual union."

During the time I lived with Luc, I pondered what I thought of as his need to " pin the butterfly" (me). See the pretty butterfly, catch it, and don't kill it, just pin its wings. Or caging a bird.

It was as if he wanted to capture and or kill all the things about me that attracted him to me in the first place. He seemed to hate the very things about me that he fell in love with, My appearance. In the 2nd year of the relationship, I gained, oh- 12 lbs, and I was determined to take the weight off. I went on a strict diet and walked every morning. I lost more weight than I had gained, and toned up. He HATED it, tried to sabatoge me by cooking!! greasy food and and offering me sweets. He stepped up the criticism after I lost the weight. He expressed contempt to me or ridiculed my intelligence, creativity, work ethic, generosity to anyone other than himself. All the best things in me. BUT - I learned later, he bragged of all these things to his family and friends.

I used to think he did this to undemine my confidence, so I would never get up enough nerve to leave. and I wondered at the cunning of this. The guy just wasn't all that intelligent, so I could not understand how he could have deliberately and cold-heartedly set out to destroy my soul. His timing was perfect.

So this brings me to your saying " I can clearly see why many men who are more damaged than I am in this regard go on to rape and sexually abuse women terribly. I believe it is unconscious payback for mom. I'm led to believe that rapists often stalk and carefully select their victims leaving many women to go past before selecting the right target. I explain this to myself by theorizing that they unconsciously go after the best template match of mom that they can find."

Yes. Yes. And Yes. I see it all the time. I would extend your theory to include emotional abuse. My friend? I saw a picture of her husband's mother holding him as a baby. That is almost the only pic he has of her. My friend even has the posture of his mother. And his mother is so deranged it defies description. So when I am angry at the way he treats her, and the term "mot**rf**ker" keeps running through my mind, I am pretty close, I guess. Hmm, now I am going to wonder about the genesis of THAT word!!!

After I got away from Luc, I just thought it was some innate animal cunning he possessed. But as I learned more about other physically and emotionally abused women, I saw that Luc and I were not unique. It is a dance between two minds, isn't it?

and "I'm not a physical abuser nor ever have been. However, when with a template match I can be a psychological and emotional abuser, if and when I feel abused."

I don't admit this freely, because of years of being a victim - but after the abuse started, I rarely resisted the urge to belittle him, undermine the little self-confidence he had. Emotionally, I tore him down as much as he did me. And I am sure at times my hatred of him was palpable. I often looked at him and thought " you will not win." Your reference to the "game" is bulls-eye.

Back to the dance- thank you for sharing all the history between the 3 of you. I was not aware of the details, I thought the Sneakylady was pre-Joy. I want to give you my take on it. But first let me say that if I overstep your boundaries or make any erroneous assumption, I apologise beforehand. I apologise if I talk too plain, but sometimes - that's the way I talk. But let me know , ok? I am new at communicating this way.

You have conveyed what seems to me - discomfort at the situation you are in with these dances. From what you have told me, there is just all this template STUFF sloshing all over the place. Joy's abandonment, your mother in your amygdala, and the villainous Ms Sneaky. Tez, how are you having any fun going to dance?

You are a decent man, so you probably feel badly for causing Joy pain when you two split up. First I perceived her insistence at going to these dances a case of standing her ground, but it runs deeper? Is this possibly her way of receiving reassurance each time you go dancing? Seeing you resist this other woman, is this proof to her? What is she needing to see from you, if you have told her you don't want to be in close proximity to the sneaky woman?

I don't know how I would tolerate a situation like you have described. It would be very uncomfortable for me.
I removed myself from the temptation of the casino guy, but the day I told you about him was very difficult for me, and I had to resist the urge to call him. And I had to resist the urge to call my nice man, because I didn't feel it would be fair to have him ridin someone elses wave, you know what I mean? Also, because that night what I wanted was some pigf**kin, and the nice man doesn't do that.

But, Tez! There is an awful lot going on at these dances!! How is all of this making you feel?

Bevdee

August 4, 2006
10:30 pm
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guppy,

I believe that those who have ears to hear, will hear, and those who don’t have ears, won’t hear. Sure, some people are taken in by your dad's bad mouthing of you, and that's sad and I'll bet that causes you anger and hurt. I'm sorry for that.

Unfortunately you can't make them see that he is wrong. It would be nice if you could do that, wouldn't it? It sounds like you feel it would be pointless to even try to justify your actions to them.

But there are others who I think will not be taken in by what your dad says. They know that he has no business bad-talking you like he does, and that his bad mouthing of you says much more about him than it does about you. If only everybody could see this.

I see you are frustrated because many people get taken in by his smooth talk and pretentiousness. I don't know how I would handle it if I were in your shoes. I'll pray for you for wisdom in this area.

I don’t want to offer you unsolicited advice. Would you like some advice about what you might say when you feel a need to justify your actions to people, as far as your dad is concerned? This would give you an alternative to staying silent, if you want one.

Seeker

August 4, 2006
10:44 pm
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bevdee
What a great post yours was!! Do you realize that we'll soon be writing whole books here. 🙂

I do hope SC has plenty of storage on her server.

On the 4-Aug-06 you wrote:

"Odd that these insights come to me on the crest of a great emotional wave. After the "wave" subsided, I was able to think about the emotion. Does this ever happen to you? Or are the coming of your insights always a calm thing, as in when you are meditating, or just waking up from a good nights sleep? Because - truth has a way of coming out when someone is drunk or crying -
or both, doesn't it?"

I think that you are referring to the unconscious mind forcing its way up into consciousness once inhibitions are removed. Getting insights into the unconscious this way isn't quite so easy. Hypnotism and sodium pentathol work in this way I believe by removing our inhibitions.

Mostly my insights come when I awake in a terrible state of fear after having some dream that I usually cannot remember. When I focus on the fear my intellect cunjures up all sorts of reasons why I am fearful in trying to rationalize the fear.

I then ask myself a series of questions such as: "What is it that you fear will happen if this threat that you fear comes to fruition?"

The next question in the series will then be "If .... happens then what is it that you fear will result from that happening?" Each question iterates down into the unconscious dependent upon the previous question. If I ensure that each question is at a deeper level than the previous question then I spiral down into my unconscious making conscious the underpinning unconscious thoughts and beliefs that precipitate the original fearful thought cunjured up to explain the fear state. Of course I have to believe that it's OK not to be OK as it were!

When it is dark at 3 a.m. in the morning, my senses are deprived of any distracting stimuli. Combining my disciplined self-questioning technique and the sensory deprivation, I find that I have a powerful tool for gaining insights into my unconscious thought processes and beliefs.

I am often astounded at how irrational many of my beliefs and thought processes are. Seeing the erroneous nature of these hidden beliefs is often enough to change them. As an example, I discovered that I had the belief that if a girl allowed me to touch her genitals and have sex with her she must really love me. Hmmmm! To discover that highly irrational belief of mine both staggered and freed me from the hook on which my first template ex had me. Whilst this false unconscious belief of mine might be true for many women it is certainly not generally applicable to all women. I consciously knew that but unconsciously I did not!

I have to watch out for my bullshit answers. My unconscious sometimes doesn't want to allow me access. It will throw up answers that lead away from, not down towards, underpinnning thought processes. Science has known for some time that each of our conscious thoughts are but the tip of the iceberg of underlying thought processes and the beliefs and memories upon which they are based.

For me, the interesting and important thing to be aware of is that our past intentions behind every past action of ours govern the conditioning of our present thought processes. Thus if I have malevolent intentions towards others now, I am sowing the seeds of discontent for my future thought processes and thus my world view. e.g. if I am dishonest with myself and others now, I am highly likely to see dishonesty in others in the future whether it exists or not. Likewise, if I try to manipulate others by instilling fear in them by getting angry with them now, I am highly likely to misinterprete the anger in others as being manipulative in the future and resent them for it. Thus I create my own heaven and hell in my own head and don't know it. I think the world that I see really is how I see it. Knowing this doesn't change it for me instantly. Change has and always will take time for me. For me, good changes in my life come in the future from my good intentions now. Thus the truth of the old biblical adage 'So as ye sow so shall ye reap', as is also the universal law of karma.

About your dream wherein your murdered friend visited you, you said:

"Maybe it was only a subconscious way of soothing myself, ... "

I don't think so. I believe that it really was her consciousness or her mind or whatever name you want to give it, contacting yours. I don't think your mind alone fabricated the experience for its own ends. Like Aldous Huxley and Prof Tart et.al., I believe that we all have psychic abilities. Of course because of skepticism, or 'distractions' or 'overload' few of us are able to use this mind function.

"After I got away from Luc, I just thought it was some innate animal cunning he possessed. But as I learned more about other physically and emotionally abused women, I saw that Luc and I were not unique. It is a dance between two minds, isn't it?"

It sure is - this is my firm conviction. It takes two to tango. The dance doesn't seem to last long when one stops dancing. Thus the implication is that my mind must of necessity still be dancing with Sneaky's mind. Joy's mind keeps trying to push her mind away. What a dance I'm doing!! Hmmmm! Insight meditation is the only way that I know to let go and finish the dance. But every time my template is triggered I start dancing again. As of yesterday the strange phone calls started coming again. However this time the phone stops ringing after 2 rings. Because of prior unwelcome call, I have instigated phone monitoring as operated by my Telstra, my phone service provider. But it requires my answering the phone before it kicks in. Sneaky used to work for Telstra and she knows this! Joy thinks she is trying to harrass me again. Who knows??

You also said:

"First I perceived her insistence at going to these dances a case of standing her ground, but it runs deeper? ... "

You have a good understanding of my dancing situation. I think that you perceived correctly here. As you also realise, it is but one of many factors involved. It's complex.

Dancing for me isn't much fun these days. If I wasn't with a partner who was so fond of dancing, I would take a long vacation from the whole scene. It keeps me fit ans is a social network as well. The kind of dancing I do is very mentally demanding. There are literally thousands of sequences each one with a name. For example each waltz has a name such as the Magenta Modern Waltz(MW), the Waltz Catherine MW, The Waltz for Hazel, the Vanity Old Time Waltz(OTW), the Serenade OTW ... on and on. Each tango sequence has a name such as the Turf Tango, the Black Knight Tango, the Midnight Tango, the Spanish Tango, the Tango44, the Eismere Tango, the Tango Solaire ... on and on. Its the same story with rhumbas, sambas, mambos, cha chas, bossa novas, paso dobles and salsas.

It takes years to learn all these sequences and they have to be done regularly to be remembered. If I gave dancing away for a year as I would like to do, I'd be 'rat shit' when I came back with most dances forgotten.

Besides, my partner Joy has her self-worth heavily invested in the dance scene, with many fairweather 'friends' and some genuine ones whom she'd never see much of if we stopped dancing.

Also, unlike Sneaky, Joy is a very good dancer. I'm told that I am too. Joy gets perverse pleasure in gliding around the dance hall being followed by others who copy our steps, while Sneaky stumbles around with her present fiancee, a relatively poor dancer - a nice guy but a 'Johnny Come Lately' to the dance scene. I don't think that either Joy or I are innocent victims of Sneaky. As you said, it is a "dance between ... minds", Joy's, Sneaky's and mine with an occasional foursome with Sneaky's fiancee's mind for good measure. I hate the dance but am entranced by it at the same time. Bloody template game playing!

You said:

" term "mot**rf**ker" keeps running through my mind, I am pretty close, I guess. Hmm, now I am going to wonder about the genesis of THAT word!!!"

YES!! When used, that expression has undertones of a very sick mother-son relationship involving gross disrepect for both the mother and the son who are the butt of the abuse. It is as though the common collective unconscious is aware of this problematic kind of relationship many men have with their mothers. There was a serial killer and his female partner in England called the Cromwell Street Murderers who preyed on women. His partner was the mother template for this guy. In his childhood this guy was brutally flogged by his father who openly has sex in an orgy with his sisters. This guy's mother initiated him sexually as soon as he was able to get a hard on. As an adult this guy needed to be controlled by a woman sexually just as his mother had done to him. The murderess would lure the young women into the home and both of them would blindfold and tie the hands of the victims and then sexually violate and mutilate them in every possible way for hours before killing them. This was the templates in full operation, minus any inhibitions or compassion for the victims whatsoever.

You Luc was just not that far down that road - but the road is the same road! Hatred of women! Misogyny! How we parent is soooooo critical for the future of humanity. But no one seems to realize it!!! In my case I didn't know this until it was far too late for my kids. But that's another story.

You also said:

"Also, because that night what I wanted was some pigf**kin, and the nice man doesn't do that."

Ahhhh now this really interests me. Sneaky would be intensively responsive to my 'aggressive' and powerful "pigf**kin" foreplay and my same style follow through.

Initially I thought that it was the physical manipulations of her body that brought her heightened responses on. I now think that it is much more than that. I think that the 'dance of our minds' locked in a very aggressive and sensual Paso Doble or Argentinian Tango was the nature of the mental dance. When I think about it all now, I visualize the reciprocating thrusting of the huge crank on a big steam locomotive as the piston drives those huge wheels powering the locomotive relentlessly to its destination deep within her.

Wow!!! Is this nature's primal urges that favors the propagation of the seed of only the most powerful males, in full flight??? Is this what turns women on at such times rather that love for the guy?? Or is it just the female being turned on sexually by what appears to be the aggressive and protective strength of her partner????

I NEVER have had nor would I ever expect to have this type of sex with Joy. She just isn't a template for me. This might be why some men who are happily married and getting plenty of sex still go to prostitutes or have affairs. This bloody dysfunctional template thing again!!

Here's the one million dollar question. Will the lack of "pigf**kin", that both you and I experience with our "nice" partners, create the discontent and lack of commitment in our present relationships that will ensure that our minds will set us up for future 'come ons' from people who match our templates, therein ensuring the termination of our relationships????? Are Sneaky and your cuz(or the truckie) just unconsciously waiting patiently for this day??????

Phew!!

August 4, 2006
11:33 pm
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Guppy.

Thanks for your very interesting post.

You said

"... my husband had the same personality as my dad. he can come across so good, so sweet, so innocent to people he doesn't know well."

This is so interesting, your picking a husband that is so like your father. Your father's psychological and behavioral image must feature heavily in the template of your 'ideal'(can't think of a better word) lover that you carry around inside your psyche.

You said:

"i exist too. i count. he can't see it."

I hear a tiny girl crying out from her prison begging for her father to let her be herself and to recognize her true self and her worth.

I am 'seeing' a terrible struggle going on inside you. On the one hand you want to shed your restraining cocoon and emerge as your fully fledged, beautiful self and at the same time you deep down you know that that self will be unaccceptable to your father, whose approval and acceptance you crave.

It seems to me that out of sheer frustration, you feel like screaming from the highest building:

"FUCK YOU DADDY"

followed by:

"Daddy, whatever I do is never good enough for you unless it is meeting your present needs. Yet you keep moving the goal posts to suit yourself."

And:

"Dad you are a selfish bastard! All you ever think about is your self!!"

And:

" Dad - You say one thing and do another. If you can't even be honest with yourself how can I rely on you to be there for me when I need you?"

And:

"Dad - you hypocrite! You misogynist! The church ministers, to whom you present your pretentious facade of a self, are just like you, whited sepulchres; painted white on the outside and full of corruption on the inside. Don't give me any more of this crap about submitting myself to the will of these bullshit artists."

And:

"Daddy - I want to be allowed to freely be me.

I want you to see what I am - not what you want me to be.

I want you to see, love and cherish the real me not the 'fantasy me' that you have constructed in your head!!!"

Guppy, is the above what you'd like to scream from the roof tops for all to hear - especially your dad???

<<<>>>

August 5, 2006
12:45 am
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Tez-damn straight. u got it one hundred percent on the money. =)

the only thing is , i am already doing the walk . i am just carrying the conflict of it with me. BUT, at least, i am finally DOING the WALK.

i can't believe u got that so good. are u using esp. maybe u and i can claim the million bucks guest is crowing about on aac. u definitely got my number.

and yes, i recognized the fact i married my dad's personality a long time ago. i am freeing myself from the husband and now i am in conflict with the father as well. i am trying my best to shatter the template that has always been in me. i want to be free of their shit. and i am doing it, i am just wining and bleeding (at heart ) the whole time. the process of letting go is the hard part because i already know it is OVER for me and dear ole daddy. physically i got it whipped. mentally and emotionally i seem to be catipillaring along but i can at least say i am inching away slowly. Just the fact that he is perfectly capable of saying goodbye if it is not on his terms, frustrates the hell out of me. the fact that i dont think it will bother him in the least where it causes me immense sorrow and emtional pain makes me wish i could physically beat the hell out of him for thinking so little of me. mainly because for years i thought as little of me as he did because i just couldn't understand the fact that he is the fuck up. not me. i am far more than he will ever see and or admit to. i am pissed off alot lately because i resent the years that i relfected the self image he gave me. worthless except to do for him. the fucking bastard...................

August 5, 2006
12:51 am
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Tez-thank you for so eloguently saying what i would love to be able to shout. u put it in far better words than i could ever come up with. yep, the conflict is there. thank you for replying to me. just reading the words i would like to say makes me smile. u are very smart.

August 5, 2006
12:56 am
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tez- u are right. there are two coflicts going on. he is not letting go of me without a fight and i am at the same time mourning what he never was and is never going to be. we are both in conflict because all of a sudden i changed the rules and my dad doesn't like it one bit and is trying his damndest to get it back like it was, something that i am not going to allow anymore.

August 5, 2006
1:27 am
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Tez- and the eeriest part is i used to say those very words u posted in your reply to my husband and then all of a sudden i let go of the want from him and stopped caring what he thought. my dad seems to be a harder thing to let go of because he has moved so close to me and the process of letting go of it started all over for me, it just happens to be the same conflicts with my dad. but the outcome will be the same, i am sure. damn it. I suppose it is because all of a sudden he is close enough for me to work through this. it is something that has been brewing for a long time, i just didn't know it till recently. as long as he lived five states away and wasn't in my life i just never dealt with it. maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

August 5, 2006
5:50 am
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guppy,

I can appreciate your anger toward your father. I also once had intense anger toward my dad, though for different reasons.

Why not see a counselor to help you work through these issues about your dad? They are obviously causing you a great deal of turmoil, and there's nothing like working with a flesh-and-blood person to help you resolve these issues.

Please remember that your friends see you for the beautiful, caring, selfless woman you are in spite of the terrible and wicked things your dad did to you. In fact, they appreciate your inner beauty all the more because of your trials with him.

As you work to resolve this turmoil, however, it can cause you to see the world through dark-colored glasses.

I urge you to beware of something. Your inner turmoil can cause you to misread your friends' motivations, and to not see them as imperfect, hurting people like yourself. Your friends can even, like yourself, be struggling with their own codependency. They may occasionally trespass against you and feel extremely sorry for what they did, and be working on doing better. Please beware lest you be blind to this fact.

Also, if you are not careful, your own turmoil may make you unwilling to forgive your friends their trespasses, even as they eagerly forgive yours.

You are truly a gem, and you no doubt bring a lot of happiness to other people. May the Lord give you peace, guppy, the peace you so richly deserve, and cause you to once more rejoice in your blessings and give you many true friends.

Love,
Seeker

August 5, 2006
8:08 pm
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Tez- do u understand that i have finally stopped being the nice girl i was raised to always show. and now i have righous anger and it feels sooooooo good to finally get here. =)

codependency be damned.

August 6, 2006
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Hey Tez

Always good to hear from you.

"I think that you are referring to the unconscious mind forcing its way up into consciousness once inhibitions are removed. Getting insights into the unconscious this way isn't quite so easy. Hypnotism and sodium pentathol work in this way I believe by removing our inhibitions."

I have been crying an awful lot in the past couple of months. Maybe this is my starting point.

"I have to watch out for my bullshit answers. My unconscious sometimes doesn't want to allow me access. It will throw up answers that lead away from, not down towards, underpinnning thought processes."

Ah man.. I do this too. And this is a style of arguing that I always thought of as deflection. (I know what you are, but what am I?) And when another person does it to me, it is infuriating. And I do it to myself. Since I read this, I have been thinking about how I do this. My "avoidance" of some subjects and the excuses I come up with, e.g. "that's over my head" or "way too complicated for me" Or telling myself I am not intelligent enough to grasp a concept.

"Initially I thought that it was the physical manipulations of her body that brought her heightened responses on. I now think that it is much more than that. I think that the 'dance of our minds' locked in a very aggressive and sensual Paso Doble or Argentinian Tango was the nature of the mental dance. "

It's the mind. It's gotta be because with the casino guy, I had orgasms just from kissing him, and I told you I had orgasms fully clothed, kneeling in front of him, with him never touching me below the shoulders. For me most of it's the mind.

"Wow!!! Is this nature's primal urges that favors the propagation of the seed of only the most powerful males, in full flight??? Is this what turns women on at such times rather that love for the guy?? Or is it just the female being turned on sexually by what appears to be the aggressive and protective strength of her partner????"

I can only speak as one woman. Although I have never had kids, some of it may have been cycle-driven, but not all of it. I never liked anyone I could push around and it IS nice to feel safe.

Your million dollar question. I have no idea. The come-ons? I don't think that will ever stop. That is something we "put off" like scent or radar. I can't seem to help myself, either. I am a shameless flirt, and I have recently noticed how my posture changes when a man is in the room. I strut. Embarassing. I'm trying to quit!!

But that kind of sex is addictive for me. I tell you, every Friday I struggle with the decision. The more time that goes by without me seeing him, the better it gets. But like I said, when I think about it for long, it is really difficult. And then, there is my situation at home, and never any privacy, since I can't even do the self-service thing, I want to overeat!! Sometimes I win this battle within myself, and sometimes I eat. Sometimes I dream about him.

And I have dropped hints to the niceman that I am not as fragile as he thinks I am. Once during sex, I whispered something I wanted him to do, and I could tell (with him inside me) that it aroused him more. But he has never taken me up on my offer. And even odder- and I hope I'm not pushing guidleine limits! but he is not that interested in watching any self-service action either, and every man I have ever been with has been.

But I am satisfied with our sex life, because it is different for me. Not hard fast ecstacy, not always multiple orgasms, it is more -slow building, satisfying in a different way. I guess because of the way he "gets me there". He holds me and kisses me alot. He is tender. I think this is the way I want to retire!!!

Another thing - With this template match sex, I never get enough. That is why I said it is addictive. With my casino guy, I had multiple orgasms, and we would only stop when our breath gave out. Once I told him I was never satisfied, and he just grinned and reached for me again. I still felt the desire after I had sex. Days after. Now with the new man, it takes me longer to get stoked up, but I don't leave needing more. Is this how it is for you? With the template match kind of sex, it takes a great effort of my will to stop remembering and obsessing about it.

Sex was not like this for me before I met the abuser. And this whole libido thing got worse for me after I got out of the abuse. I wonder if it is because of the fear I had during sex for so many years? Or - the fear I still have deep inside. Maybe it is something as simple as my age and hormones. But I doubt it is entirely the dreaded pre-menopause - because you, a man, are telling me you feel the same as I do, when confronted with particular people.

What you said? About the toxicity not being worth it? I agree. And I fight against the craving. Just like I often fight the urge to get a chocolate cake and just stick my face in it and start eating. Do you ever fight the urge not to drink? Sometimes when I am thinking about all this, I have to run outside to smoke. Especially when I am thinking about this.

And I am wondering about rapture and the different forms of it that people choose. For instance, there is a woman I have known for over 25 years. She used to partay! and she was real gone on this married guy. She had 2 kids with him, and he would not leave his wife and family, so she drank more and more, her parents took her kids - until she "saw the light" and got saved. She quit the man, quit drinking and smoking, became a zealous churchgoer, and ate so many sweets she is diabetic, and has one foot amputated already. ( I swear this isn't me, I don't go to church, and I have no kids, and still possess both feet). I always thought of what she did as switching addictions.

I know I have done this. From an abusive relationship - fear and anger, to anger and food, to sex. (I wonder if folks can become addicted to anger? I read somewhere that jealousy triggered actually releases some chemical, and I know extreme fear can release adrenaline.)

You may be right about the reason men visit prostitutes. My sister was married to a wonderful man for 18 years. Good provider, good daddy,and he really loved her. She complained the entire 18 years about the "vanilla" sex. She tried to get him to do different things, and he couldn't bring himself to do it. She used to slip ginseng in his hot tea. Didn't work. She started partying after work with her girlfirends, and met a real bad man, who she said was her soulmate. I asked her how this could be, a man with a rapsheet as long as the California coastline!! Most of his convictions were or a sexual nature, and she told me she couldn't explain it, but she felt empty when he wasn't in the room with him. She would call me at 2 in the morning to tell me that she was having the most incredible sex with this man. During the 2 years she dated him, she gave me blow-by-blow ( no pun intended) descriptions of the things they would do. This was, in my opinion, some pretty wild stuff. She crossed lines I would not cross. Swapping, her man as the voyeur. Other things that I consider too disgusting and degrading to name. When she was not having this sex, she was calling her estranged husband, asking him if she could come back. At the time I thought she was being selfish, wanting the the security of the good man and the thrill of the bad man. It must be more.

I don't see myself in a committed relationship, carrying on any cheating affair for very long. My feelings about this are too strong, possibly because of the way my daddy was hurt when my mother had her affairs. I won't even call the nice man when I am all worked up over someone else. I don't want him to know. Because if the situation were reversed, I would not want to think that what I was getting wasn't for me. And here is the worst, Tez. This makes me feel creepy. Even with my sense of "fairness" to the nice man, I think of Casino guy while I am having sex with him And when I do, I am more aroused. What if he knows?

Talking about dancing - and again I preface this by saying forgive me if I am being too nosy or too personal. I have alot of respect for you, and I don't want to offend. You are so polite. Do you think your lady is really enjoying the dances? Besides being the better dancer, and showing up with you? And is this "mind dance" all tangled up within the minds of all 3 of you because the physical dance is so erotic to all of you?

I was wondering - Where you said "I NEVER have had nor would I ever expect to have this type of sex with Joy. She just isn't a template for me." Do you think you might be template for her? Or, I wonder if you BECAME something in her template when you broke up a couple of years ago? (I ask this because recently I have wondered how I would feel if my nice guy suddenly became unavailable to me, or if I perceived him as that?) And with this Ms Sneaky harassing you all, Joy is reminded each time. Each phone call, each dance. Personally I could not stand to know that the man I am with is in any proximity to a woman he feels he has no willpower against. I would hate to witness that. I would rather he go to a titty bar.

But to bow out of the dancing? I can see why neither of you want to stop. But you can't mentally give Sneaky the boot when you see her each time you dance, can you? She's in both your faces.

I have another question, I am curious as to what fear awakens you?

Bevdee

August 7, 2006
8:35 am
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Bevdee.

Thanks for your post. I've just dropped in to grab your post and read it. It looks very, very interesting. I am going to read it again more carefully.

I've been flat out the last two days dancing and working. I haven't even answered my emails.

I don't want you to think you've upset me or I'm ignoring you or anything like that. Life's hectic at the moment.

As Arnie says: "Oil be back"

Luv' yuh!

August 8, 2006
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bevdee

I'm back.

On the 6-Aug-06 you said:

"Another thing - With this template match sex, I never get enough. That is why I said it is addictive. With my casino guy, I had multiple orgasms, and we would only stop when our breath gave out. Once I told him I was never satisfied, and he just grinned and reached for me again. I still felt the desire after I had sex. Days after. Now with the new man, it takes me longer to get stoked up, but I don't leave needing more. Is this how it is for you? With the template match kind of sex, it takes a great effort of my will to stop remembering and obsessing about it."

Yes! Definitely. My sex life with my present partner is very much like yours with your current guy. It doesn't start the craving for 'mommy'!!!

Whilst this craving might sound incestuous it is definitely not. I think that sex with a template triggers of the infant survival driven craving to unite with 'mom'; a craving that can never be satisfied!! So we are left wanting more and more. The fear that I experience when trying to get away from a template is based upon the fear of the the power that I know this craving has over me. The fact that I can just about f..k myself to death with a template and after several orgasms, still want more dispite the fact that my dick only very reluctantly stands up, proves to me that it is not sexual urges driving me, but a very well disguised need for 'flesh on flesh' re-unification with 'mom's' template in the other person. This response to mom was very necessary and appropriate when I was an infant but not now to a template. It is very intoxicating and leads to an addiction to 'the act of sex'(as opposed to satisfying sexual need) in some people, I believe.

And you said:

"Sex was not like this for me before I met the abuser. And this whole libido thing got worse for me after I got out of the abuse. "

Fear heightens a baby's need to have 'flesh upon flesh' contact with 'mom'. Touch from mom is vital at such times. Seeing ourselves as insecure little infants wanting our mom when fearful, helps explain why our desire for our sex with our templates increases with our anxiety levels. It makes sense to me that you would have a heightened 'libido' after your abuser. I just think you are possibly using sex the only way known to you to get the ecstacy of 'reunification with mom' that you experience when your template is inside you as far as he can get.

When I'm with a template I would crawl right up inside her if I could. That's the extent of the craving! I also crave the looks and groans of ecstacy that I see - the uncontrolled moaning, gasping coming from the template. It gives me massive feelings of self-worth, value and control over my template for which I crave. Of course it is an illusion. I wanted to control mom as an infant and the craving is still there despite my mom dying in 1990. The mom that I talk about is not my mom remembered in my adulthood but the infant memory contained in the template manufactured in infancy.

You said:

"This makes me feel creepy. Even with my sense of "fairness" to the nice man, I think of Casino guy while I am having sex with him And when I do, I am more aroused. What if he knows?"

I do this often. When I want to 'last the distance' I think of differential equations. When I want to 'speed up' I visualize Sneaky's face and what I'm doing to her when she has her hugely wet orgasms.

I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can never have template sex ever again except in my head. The sex thatI have with my present partner is adequate and genuine sexual needs fulfilling. It is not in the ball park of template sex. (No pun intended) However, I feel genuine love and affection for my present partner - affection that I NEVER felt when "pigf..kin" my template, Sneaky.

I don't feel guilty about this fantasizing because it is my only alternative to acting out in real life with a template - this is just not an option for me! Templates are far too painful to be with when not having sex. That great sex has never compensated for the great pain I experienced during the non-sex time. Typically, I could "pigf..k" for 2hrs. The ratio of 2hrs:22hrs = 1:11. Hmmmm! Not a good ratio of Heaven:Hell.

"Do you think your lady is really enjoying the dances?"

Yes, I do. She simply loves the movements etc. It is very good foreplay for her.

"And is this "mind dance" all tangled up within the minds of all 3 of you because the physical dance is so erotic to all of you?" I don't think the minds are dancing erotically. I think Joy's and Sneaky's minds are locked in a power struggle. My mind is fighting for control over Sneaky's mind by rejecting her. Sneaky is predatory as hell and determined to get her way. I am equally determined that she will not get her way. My mind is saying to Sneaky's mind "Piss off mom. You couldn't control me when I was little. You certainly won't control me now! Now is my time to punish you and reject you just as you rejected me all those years ago just because I wouldn't bend to your will and be who you wanted me to be."

Speaking of my present partner you said:

"Do you think you might be template for her?"

No I don't think so. I suspect that Joy has never met her template. But I could be wrong. She never has the heightened sexual response to me that Sneaky or Stinky had. Nor has she recollections of ever having had sex that was extraordinary with anyone else.

"Or, I wonder if you BECAME something in her template when you broke up a couple of years ago?"

No I don't think so. Joy never felt abandoned by her mother as I did. Even though Joy experienced having her mother taken away from her in a sneaky way, she realized that her mother still wanted her and thus never felt abandoned. However, I do believe Ms Sneaky is the template match of the woman from Children's Services Dept who wrenched Joy from her protesting mother's arms. I believe that the fear that Joy felt as a child is retriggered in her by Ms Sneaky trying to take me away from her, just as Joy's mother was taken away from her by a sneaky woman from the dept of Children's services. Ms. Sneaky is a template match for Joy by representing that Sneaky woman of so long ago. Joy hated Sneaky from the first minute that she met her. Joy's template match of her parents is very different to mine and is not toxic. Joy was well parented. I was not.

"Personally I could not stand to know that the man I am with is in any proximity to a woman he feels he has no willpower against."

Joy knows that I have a ton of will power(or perhaps it is won't power). I am using that will power directly against Ms Sneaky. However, I am well aware that if Ms. Sneaky triggers of my template emotions in a powerful way then that same will power will switch over to driving me into Sneaky's bed not away from it. This switch won't ever happen because like you and your abstinence from seeing your Casino man, I am abstaining from 'seeing' Ms. Sneaky. I won't eyeball her, nor will I speak to her nor will I let her touch me in any way. I've been at a dance on last Saturday night and another Sunday morning both of which Ms. Sneaky attended. She tried a couple of little things that backfired on her completely.

From the gossip it looks like Ms. Sneaky may have big trouble in her relationship with her latest fiancee. (She's had 5) Now Ms. Sneaky looks like she is making a play for my best friend. He is an accomplished musician who provides the live music for our dances. She told me once that she couldn't stand him and I believed her then and still do. However, now I suspect that she is after my buddy's money to buy out her fiancee's half of her house so she doesn't lose it if they split up. As a bonus I suspect that she thinks she gets to either drive a big wedge in between my buddy and myself wrecking our friendship or she will get closer to me forcing me to communicate with her. She's wrong on both accounts. If my buddy is stupid enough to fall for her seduction as I did then I will simply explain why I am putting our friendship on hold for the duration of the relationship. I am convinced the relationship would not last six weeks.

I have already discussed this business with my buddy. He has noticed Ms. Sneaky's moves on him also. He thinks that she is trying to get back at me - woman scorned thing. The trouble is that despite his protestations to the contrary, I don't think my buddy will be able to resist her highly seductive and accomplished techniques. Ms. Sneaky is not above using and abusing pawns like my buddy in her chess game with me - a game that I don't really want to play but against which I feel compelled to defend myself. As far as Ms Sneaky is concerned, she appears to be obsessed with my rejection of her.

You asked:

"I have another question, I am curious as to what fear awakens you?"

You mean awakens me at 3 a.m. in the morning?

The simple Answer: A well disguised fear of death.

It starts something like this: I wake up with a terrible feeling of having done something very wrong by someone.

My insights into this fear of having done something very wrong by someone important in my life, is that I have disguise my fear of being rejected by my mother and father for having offended them in some way when a child by substituting father/mother figures for my parents in a dream.

Fear of rejection by my parents is fear of not receiving nurture and life support.

If, as an infant, I do not get 'nurture and life support' from my parents I die.

Thus I clearly see that I fear death!!

Where does this fear come from? The conditioning of my amygdala in infancy and childhood.

In instrumental conditioning a stimuli can be paired with another stimuli to evoke the same fear. For example, if an electric shock is applied to a rat every time a bell is rung, the rat will react to the bell with just as much fear without any electric shock being present. That's how in infancy and childhood because of poor parenting, I had many other stimuli paired with the genetically inherited, 'instinctive' fear of abandonment.

Now I only have to have a dream in which I am offending some important person and I awake full of fear of death searching for who it is that I have offended or what I have done.

If I'm not careful, I soon make up a story that allows my to search for a way out of that fear. I avoid doing that now. I just face the fear of death and look it squarely in the eyes asking myself what it is that i fear about dying. The fear disappears almost immediately then because I now have ways of nurturing the fear of death out of existence quickly.

I now realize that fear needs to be maintained or it will disappear. If I make up a story and try to find a solution, then I am maintaining that fear arousal with my fearful thoughts. These thoughts keep retriggering my amygdala over and over keeping the fear alive. Why would I do that? Ignorance of the fear invoking process and believing my own made up story in trying to find a threat in order to deal with it. That's why. It's dumb yet most people keep doing it. If I can just recognize that my amygdala has been triggered off by an infantile fear of death through abandonment, I can just not sustain this fear arousal by seeing exactly what has happened and letting all thoughts go without grasping at them and perpetuating them. For me it works! Peace of mind is the bonus.

Phew! Another book. 🙂

August 9, 2006
4:43 pm
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Tez,

See what I have found!

Adrenaline is a hormone secreted by the adrenal cortex. The adrenal cortex is given the command to secrete by the -

thalamus (Dispatches senory data )

Sensory Cortex (Interprets )

Hippocampus (retrieves stored conscious memories, establishes context by processing sets of stimuli)

Amygdala ( decodes emotions; determines possible threat; stores fear memories )

Hypothalamus ( activates "fight or flight" response )

From HowStuffWorks.com/fear

"Fight or Flight

To produce the fight-or-flight response, the hypothalamus activates two systems: the sympathetic nervous system and the adrenal-cortical system. The sympathetic nervous system uses nerve pathways to initiate reactions in the body, and the adrenal-corticol system uses the bloodstream. The combined effects of these two systems are the fight-or-flight response.
When the hypothalamus tells the sympathetic nervous system to kick into gear, the overall effect is that the body speeds up, tenses up and becomes generally very alert. If there's a burglar at the door, you're going to have to take action -- and fast. The sympathetic nervous system sends out impulses to glands and smooth muscles and tells the adrenal medulla to release epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline) into bloodstream. These "stress hormones" cause several changes in the body, including an increase in heart rate and blood pressure.

At the same time, the hypothalamus releases corticotropin-releasing factor (CRF) into the pituitary gland, activating the adrenal-cortical system. The pituitary gland (a major endocrine gland) secretes the hormone ACTH (adrenocorticotrophic hormone). ACTH moves through the bloodstream and ultimately arrives at the adrenal cortex, where it activates the release of approximately 30 different hormones that get the body prepared to deal with a threat. "

ADRENALINE AND ITS EFFECTS
When you are frightened, the adrenal glands secrete adrenaline into the bloodstream. The effect of the adrenaline boost is for fight or flight, the effects of this are;

Blood is sent to the major muscles and organs (the reason for a pale face -the blood draining to more important areas) -this provides the muscles with more energy reserves to draw from.

Increased strength.

Increased heart rate.

Increased breathing rate.

Heightened vision, hearing and sense of smell (but the eyes suffer from tunnel vision. This enhances visual concentration, but a negative by-product is the blinkering of your peripheral vision).

Time distortion -everything seems to go into slow-motion (due to the brain processing everything a lot faster).

Dilation of the pupils.

The hair follicle muscles contract (giving the feeling of your hair standing on end).

Pre-fight shakes -your limbs may shake uncontrollably.

Dry mouth.

Voice quiver -your voice may acquire an audible tremor.

Profuse sweating -especially the palms and the forehead.

From Wikipedia
"Actions in the body
Epinephrine plays a central role in the short-term stress reaction—the physiological response to threatening, exciting or environmental stressor conditions such as high noise levels or bright light (see Fight-or-flight response). It is secreted by the adrenal medulla. When released into the bloodstream, epinephrine binds to multiple receptors and has numerous effects throughout the body. It increases heart rate and stroke volume, dilates the pupils, and constricts arterioles in the skin and gut while dilating arterioles in leg muscles. It elevates the blood sugar level by increasing hydrolysis of glycogen to glucose in the liver, and at the same time begins the breakdown of lipids in adipocytes. Epinephrine has a suppressive effect on the immune system."

It's like speed. Anger and fear were wearing me out, and caused my blood sugar levels to go haywire. This breakdown of lipids is the reason I lost weight - sugar spike = weight loss.

If I "hate" the template match men or someone whom I fear, and if you hate the Stinky and Sneaky woman, there would be fear - anger? And if there is fear, and the adrenaline rush, does it explain the "love at first sight" physical manifestations - racing heart, vertigo, quickened breathing, sweaty palms, trembling, piloerection - (goose bumps, hair standing on end, various erectile tissue standing up!!) blurred vision. Hmmm.

So if it is adrenaline (epinephrine), is that the drug of choice for angry folks? A stimulant for me? Besides nicotine and caffeine? adrenaline? I have to work really really hard at keeping my temper, and I have to work at keeping that arousal at bay. Sometimes the best sex is after an argument. I have heard, but never tried those sex drugs Xtasy(?). I guess I never needed THAT!

Look at this - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A.....ine_junkie

And now? OK - so with my nice man, there is no template response. No hate/fight or flight. Thus no "rush". It's all physical, unless I fantasize. But sometimes, without the template rush, it feels curiously flat. For this reason, I thought about not seeing him anymore. No "spark". I didn't though, because I really like talking to him. He has a good sense of humor.

If it's ok, I would like to ask you another question? Besides your lady really liking the dancing, are you persisting in this activity that you have told me is not much fun for you anymore, as a way to - practice controlling your template? Is this correct? You said you don't make eye contact, but is that sufficient if some templates communicate telepathically?

What I perceive from your posts is that it is fascinating to you, yet difficult. You would stop if it weren't for Joy wanting to dance. And, though there is no eye contact with Ms Sneaky, you are aware she is there?

If this is correct, I would love to know if this practice is really working. I need to strengthen my "resolve"? I might run on up to the casino Friday, and leave all my money and bankcards at home.

Maybe I ought to try going to church Sunday. I worked last weekend, and I heard a preacher on TV in a breakroom. At first, I didn't realise it was a televangelist. It was the tone and volume of the voice that caught my attention, and I lingered by the door to hear who was getting reamed out. I instinctively do this when I hear a raised voice, and I was trying to gauge the situation to determine if someone was being threatened, and if I needed to call security. Then I realised it was a sermon!!! But I stood there and listened to the angry preacherman's voice yelling out the scriptures. Dang, no wonder I felt fear and anger in church!! I went to my grandparents church once, for Father's Day? Theirs was a real hell-fire and brimstone church, and I am telling you Tez, it was all I could do to sit there and not walk out. My aunt poked me and asked me why my face was so red.

My waking fears probably boil down to the same as yours. I wake up in the morning and feel something is wrong. This started when I was living with the abuse. I would awaken with dread and see him lying next to me, confirming my fear. I did not shake the feeling until I lived with my cousin. I felt safe with him. After he left, I have had the feeling nearly every morning. Now I think it is fear from being alone. Dying alone.

Paradoxically to my fear of being alone, I have good news. I have found a place to live, or I should say, the place to live dropped in my lap. By the first of next month, I should be able to get all my beloved possessions out of storage, my s**t- not someone else's, and I'M GONNA HAVE SOME PRIVACY!!! I can learn to meditate. It is next door to where I am now, still close to my lake, my friend, The owner and I are working out the details. It is not going to cost me too much more than I am paying now. Yeehaw!

Bevdee

August 12, 2006
11:08 pm
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Bevdee.

Thanks for a most informative and interesting post.

You quoted:

"Amygdala ( decodes emotions; determines possible threat; stores fear memories )"

This is the little organ that causes me the most problems - those stored fear memories of abandonment by my mom in particular. Template matches trigger this emotion off.

"If I "hate" the template match men or someone whom I fear, and if you hate the Stinky and Sneaky woman, there would be fear - anger? And if there is fear, and the adrenaline rush, does it explain the "love at first sight" physical manifestations - racing heart, vertigo, quickened breathing, sweaty palms, trembling, piloerection - (goose bumps, hair standing on end, various erectile tissue standing up!!) blurred vision. Hmmm."

Yes - I think so. Of course not everyone has such fearful emotional memories of abandonment or abuse by mom/dad. Those lucky well parented people probably have great relationships with their template matches.

You said:

" And now? OK - so with my nice man, there is no template response. No hate/fight or flight. Thus no "rush". It's all physical, unless I fantasize. But sometimes, without the template rush, it feels curiously flat. For this reason, I thought about not seeing him anymore. No "spark". I didn't though, because I really like talking to him. He has a good sense of humor."

For me, this is the most important thing to look at. Without the template rush, it feels curiously flat for me too. However, this is a trap. This feeling causes discontent in me with my present partner Joy. BUT, I have to constantly remind myself of the alternative! For me, there is no possibility of having template ecstacy without the accompanying agony!!! The illusion that I can have the ecstacy without the agony sucked me into two hellish relationships. I now clearly see that I must settle for what I now have or have no one at all. Joy is the best non-template person that I can have. I have to dismiss the discontent very quickly when it surfaces by counting my blessings.

You asked:

"... Besides your lady really liking the dancing, are you persisting in this activity that you have told me is not much fun for you anymore, as a way to - practice controlling your template? Is this correct? "

No definitely not. I would avoid ever seeing Ms. Sneaky altogether if I could. Joy would be very unhappy if I let Ms. Sneaky drive us away from the dances Joy loves. So I put up with Ms. Sneaky's antics. At last Friday's dance, I was sitting with another one of Ms. Sneaky's ex's - a nice guy who came after me. Ms. Sneaky came over to our table and proceeded to tongue kiss him in front of Joy and I. I turned to another woman next to me and strated discussing an up and coming dance ignoring Sneaky's performance entirely. Sneaky is so arrogant and self-opiniated that she thought I would be jealous. All that her performance did was to confirm how lucky I was to get away from her. She only made herself look like a prick teaser. She embarrassed this other ex. It had little effect upon me other than as an annoyance.

You also said:

" You said you don't make eye contact, but is that sufficient if some templates communicate telepathically?"

Distance has no effect upon telepathic communications. Sight does I think.

"I need to strengthen my "resolve"? I might run on up to the casino Friday, and leave all my money and bankcards at home."

I wouldn't do that if I were you. How I view this issue is this way: if you were fostering a 3 year old girl would you take her out to a place where she would see her biological mother, just to strengthen your "resolve" in being able to control her and to get in some practice at it?

Your amygdala has emotional programming acquired around that age or earlier. It is set in concrete. Only your foster mothering skills can readily change and improve. These skills are not enhanced much by applying overwhelming stimuli to your amygdala and then going through hell trying to deal with your little girl's discontent with your current bf. Please don't go to the casino unless it is an absolute necessity. The price is too high. Your unconscious thought processes will betray you if you are not careful.

And you said:

"Theirs was a real hell-fire and brimstone church, and I am telling you Tez, it was all I could do to sit there and not walk out. My aunt poked me and asked me why my face was so red."

I react the same. I would never go into a church these days unless I had to do so for a wedding or a funeral. I just switch off to the bs.

"Paradoxically to my fear of being alone, I have good news. I have found a place to live, or I should say, the place to live dropped in my lap. By the first of next month, I should be able to get all my beloved possessions out of storage, my s**t- not someone else's, and I'M GONNA HAVE SOME PRIVACY!!! I can learn to meditate. It is next door to where I am now, still close to my lake, my friend, The owner and I are working out the details. It is not going to cost me too much more than I am paying now. Yeehaw!"

This is great news!!! It will get you away from the drama of your friend's problems as a bonus.

Well, I'm off to a dance again tonight. Ms. Sneaky is bound to be there - worst luck. But I will switch right off to her and completely ignore her. I've put Joy on notice that if Ms. Sneaky gets in my face too much then I will quit going to those dances where she's at. Joy went all glum and then became very angry. Joy then said: "Why should we have to leave? Let her leave - the bitch!" I simply replied: "We cannot control her, only ourselves." I live in hope that Ms. Sneaky will give up her harrassing. Otherwise Joy is highly likely to deck her in the women's toilets at a dance! Joy was a Win Chun martial arts practitioner years ago. So Joy can handle herself.

I have my phone monitored now. Next time Sneaky rings me, just leaving to line open as she does, she will be reprimanded in writing by my phone company. There is a $3000 fine in Australia for persisting in making 'unwelcomed phone calls'. That threat over her head should bring Ms. Sneaky's games to an abrupt end - I hope. Oh well - it's no big deal really.

How are you getting on with your mom and your sister?

August 13, 2006
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Tez,

So good to hear from you! I have lots to tell you.

Too bad I didn't read this Friday morning. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. How I view this issue is this way: if you were fostering a 3 year old girl would you take her out to a place where she would see her biological mother, just to strengthen your "resolve" in being able to control her and to get in some practice at it?"

But - I probably wouldn't have listened, anyway. I went Friday to the casino, and he was there. Since I took my roommate with me, I did not go to the car with him, or anywhere else. I can't tell you how difficult it was not to touch him. Same as always, I felt the adrenaline rush and desire. So did he. His face got red. Interesting. We did talk for a little bit, and that was difficult for me too, because I have missed him. He is not a bad person. I like him, and I have no hard feelings.

Later after I got home, I just felt like shit. I can't even describe how I felt. I might could, but honestly, I don't want to relive it right now. I won't try it again. Thank goodness we don't work together, or are thrown together in public very often. It was dumb, and even dumber of me is the pleasure I feel that he tried to call me Saturday afternoon. I haven't returned the call, and I am getting this weird pleasure from that, too.

Now this is just spooky, Tez!! You asked - "How are you getting on with your mom and your sister?" Why would you ask? Are our templates, our unconscious minds communicating? Just kidding (?)

This morning, I was awakened by a nightmare I was having about my sister. An hour or so later, my mother called and told me my sister was in jail. The charges seemed to be pretty serious. My mom, bless her soul, called me several times to keep me updated on the situation. I am trying to make the move to this house next door, the temperature here is around 100 degrees and the humidity is like - 99%, and I am just cranky! The last update was that she (sister) had been bailed out of jail in the afternoon, but not arraigned on possession charges. Hmmm.

My poor mother is trying to figure out what to do for my sister, who has not made a payment on her house for 5 months. The mortgage company is foreclosing on her house. Because she will be homeless, Mom is considering taking my sister in her home. She knows my sister's inability to hold down a job for very long, and she is looking at supporting her. My sister has this parasitic disease called Morgellon's Disease, which is contagious and horrifying. The parasites, untreated, mutate. There is treatment available, my mother ordered it and had it shipped to her, but she can't remember to take the dose every morning. My mother risks infection of herself, her husband, and her pets.

I know she is torn, but I suspect there will always be resentment and jealousy of my sister - in my heart.

It goes on and on. What horrible timing I have with my stupid experiments and my family!!

My aunt - that cousin's mother - is sitting in Dallas, 180 miles from her farm, waiting to be worked into the OR schedule for open heart surgery.

Although it is hot and humid I am grateful to have the move and studying and my jobs to keep me distracted and occupied. This may not be the best way to handle all this right now, but damn! Last week, I had the dog getting hit by the car, and my roommate's mama dying. This week with my stupid adrenaline experiment, and the family stuff I have no control over, I feel like I have been hit upside the head real hard several times. I am fighting against becoming numb. What I have done historically is to just keep plowing on ahead, getting what I need to do-done, and shove everything (my emotions) to the side. I don't want to do this again.

By the way, Killer is the name of my 5# chihuahua, the one that got hit by the wheel of a car. He has defied death and HE rocks! He is back in top form, sassy and ornery as ever.

Tez, it is so good to talk to you.

Bevdee

August 14, 2006
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bevdee

Thanks for your post. You sure have a lot going on in your life.

You said:

"I went Friday to the casino, and he was there. ...... Later after I got home, I just felt like shit. I can't even describe how I felt. I might could, but honestly, I don't want to relive it right now. I won't try it again. ... ... ... "

All is not lost. This is a very cheap wake up call. It also illustrates for you and me the power of the template matches over our emotions. The danger IMHO, is to mistake the mixed up feelings for 'love'. It is not love that we feel but an emotional arousal that was felt in our childhood and is now retriggered and being refelt just as it was then. Only now there is a sexual component that is freeloading on the childhood emotion's coat tails.

The question that I have to ask myself at such times is:

"Am I willing to put myself in harm's way without any regard for my own welfare, just to appease a powerful emotion in me that has all the power of a child fighting for survival without any of the intelligence that my thinking self possesses. In regard to meeting the needs of the emotional child within me, will I act either like a responsible, caring parent or a subservient slave to that child's whims and cravings?"

And you followed with:

"... ... It was dumb, and even dumber of me is the pleasure I feel that he tried to call me Saturday afternoon. I haven't returned the call, and I am getting this weird pleasure from that, too."

It feels good to know that he is still available and still lusts after you - doesn't it!

This is, IMO, your unconscious working overtime setting you up for the next step. Watch out its coming - if you are anything like me, that is!

This step might start with feeling discontented with your current bf. You may even notice yourself finding fault with him and being irritated by his lay back 'niceness'. You might catch yourself fantasizing about being in bed with your casino man and what he is doing to you; a fantasy attended by inner conflicts and inner discontent mixed with strong yearnings for the feel of your casino man doing what you love best.

How we sabotage ourselves and ruin good relationships only to end up in bed with someone who, after a good 'pigf..kin', we realise is totally disastrous for our welfare. Then we ask ourselves:"Why did I do it????" as if we didn't know!!!

Well, I went to that dance on Sunday night and Ms. Sneaky was reaping the consequences of 'pashing' her ex in front of me on Friday night trying to make me jealous. It back fired badly on her. It seems that she only succeeded in upsetting her fiancee. Now her fiancee appears to be on the verge of giving her the big 'brush off'. At the Sunday dance, I encountered Ms. Sneaky head on when taking a lady with whom I was dancing, back to her seat right next to Ms. Sneaky. I politely said "Hello, Shirley" to Ms. Sneaky and nothing else. Her eyes lit up like a christmas tree!! I think her fiancee noticed her reaction and subsequent euphoria. After that, he fronted a buddy of mine saying "goodbye" and that he had had enough of the dance scene for one night. He then left the dance when it was only half way through. He's in a lot of emotional pain, the poor bugger. I really feel sorry for him. He's a great guy. But, there is nothing that I can do. I am doing my best to avoid Ms Sneaky and not to talk to her except polite formal greetings when paths unavoidably cross. Ms. Sneaky is very lucky to have this guy - but she seems hellbent upon destroying her relationship with him over a highly neurotic obsession (I'm a template match for her). Dispite her pathetic efforts, she's not going to come between Joy and I - not in a million years! I have to be ever vigilant not to enjoy either her obsessing or a fantasy constructed around 'pigf..kin' her!!! Both are disastrous for my peace of mind and contentment.

Girl, you surely do have big problems with your sister, eh!!! Phew!!

Keep your pecker up and all the best with your family and your new abode.

August 21, 2006
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Hey Tez,

How have you been?

I have been so busy! I am in the process of moving and trying to work every day. I had to move the things out of the house I am moving into, move my things from next door over here, and start moving things out of storage. It is still horribly hot, 100 or more degrees each day. So in the mornings, we were taking the truck and trailer and moving at 6 in the morning when it is only around 80 degrees. I still have to work, and we are moving the furniture and stuff in a pick-up truck and a trailer, so it went at a snail's pace. But I am going to love living in my new place. Alone.

I haven't had alot of time for pondering, but I thought about this - "This step might start with feeling discontented with your current bf. You may even notice yourself finding fault with him and being irritated by his lay back 'niceness'. You might catch yourself fantasizing about being in bed with your casino man and what he is doing to you; a fantasy attended by inner conflicts and inner discontent mixed with strong yearnings for the feel of your casino man doing what you love best."

He's out of town again, with several deliveries, and I found myself starting to get pissed off at him for that.

And I have already started fantasizing. It happened while I was looking at him in the casino. Even with all the moving and unpacking, the fantasy creeps back.

"It feels good to know that he is still available and still lusts after you - doesn't it! "
YES, dammit, YES. I wish it didn't. I wish my ego didn't need that. I really wish I didn't need that.

What I really want to know about the casino guy is who I remind him of - cause he is affected a strongly by the sight of me as I am him. I could never ask him, because he would know by the question what I am getting at, and probably wouldn't answer me truthfully.

" It is not love that we feel but an emotional arousal that was felt in our childhood and is now retriggered and being refelt just as it was then. Only now there is a sexual component that is freeloading on the childhood emotion's coat tails."

Yes, this is an interesting. I mentioned to you that the women I have had the most intense friendships with are very like me, or my mom!!.or my sister. I have 2 friends that I have had since early childhood. Both are addicts. We used to party together. Beth, like me has no children, and Cathy has one son, grown now.

Both of them are suffering the effects of more than 30 years of alcohol and/or drug overuse/abuse. Cathy has MS, and Beth has a myriad of problems. They both seem 20 years older than I do, and I am the one that has worked the hardest, had the most physical job. Or I should really say, I am the one of the 3 of us that ever kept a job for any amount of time.

When I left the abuser 10 years ago, neither one of these friends could handle the change I made. They were unable, just like my mom and sister, to support me emotionally in my effort to crawl out of a deep dark hole of despair. I "kept" my mom and sister, but I tapered communication with the other 2 ladies. It is only in the past 2 years I have started talking to them again. I should say I listen to them again. I do this when I have time, which is seldom. I love each of them, but I will never be so emotionally involved with them as I was before.

I think the sense of "betrayal" that I inevitably felt with them is not as intense. It made me sad, but I did't feel the rage or savage "heartache" that I have with some (template) men with whom I have had a sexual relationship. It is much different when I have slept with someone. I always wondered why. Why I could stay friends with some lovers, and want to kill or hurt others. Now I have a little better understanding of myself.

"Keep your pecker up and all the best with your family and your new abode."

Thank you. My mom has been keeping me posted on my sister, who got out on bail, and for various reasons will not have charges pressed against her. My sister needs to leave town, and I now have a house with a spare bedroom!! Cool, huh? This was very subtly brought up to me in a conversation with my mom, and I not subtly told her I would not consider my sister living with me. Too much at stake for me. The parasites, my emotional well-being, and also!! If there were any drug activity going on in a home I am in, it could affect my state and national licensure, and I would not be able to work - in any state. If she has turned in some evidence ( I am having trouble verbalising or writing this word - SNITCH), there will be trouble, if not immediately, then some time. That kind of trouble always follows the info-givers, even out of state.

My aunt- that cousin's mother, made it through the surgery fine. My cousin called to tell me that she was up the day after her open heart surgery. She insisted he buy her a pack of cigarettes, and when he did, she cussed him for not getting the right kind. She is back to normal!! This is normal for her. She has been home a couple of days. She missed her farm.

While they waited in Dallas for my aunt's surgery, Daddy told my cousin I was moving and how. My cousin came here and has been helping me. I have access to a truck and a trailer, and the storage unit is a few miles from here. I won't have to spend any money on renting a moving truck, and all my stuff doesn't arrive at once, so it is working out pretty good.

After spending a little time with me, my cousin told me I had changed. When I asked him how, he said " You don't seem so angry all the time, you ain't flyin' off the handle or freakin out." Yeah. And, curiously, I am not having any problem being around him. Maybe there is just so much of this amygdala stuff I can take, but I just felt relieved to see him, knowing he would help me with the moving. I have not felt that desire. Maybe I am just too tired!!
However, I notice the affect he has on other women. My roommate came over to help Saturday, and as they were talking, I noticed her posture changing! I have never seen her stand that way!! Too funny.

Now Tez? In Texas a pecker is a penis. Is this what you meant when you said,
"Keep your pecker up" ??? Sorry, just giving you a hard time!! Haha.

Bevdee

August 21, 2006
6:12 pm
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Bevdee.

Thanks for a good rundown on your rather difficult situation. Life isn't making it easy for you - is it.

Pecker - penis! hehe. 🙂 Yes I guess I missed that association. With all the yankee shows on TV here, I should have known! With your bf away there won't be much chance of you getting his pecker up except over the phone perhaps! That was naughty of me to write that! 🙂 Apart from his pecker, are you missing him?

And you said:

"What I really want to know about the casino guy is who I remind him of ... "

You have in mind discovering the origins of the template image that he projects?

Even if you asked him, I doubt that he would know what you are asking about. I don't think the template is a simple one dimensional thing. I think it encompasses memories associated with all of our sensory inputs when it was laid down in our infancy. In addition, I think the template contains psychological profiles to boot. Just to complicate things further, I think that all significant caregivers feature in this template formation process. This means that mom, dad, auntie Flo and anyone else who featured in our infancy most probably contributed in some way.

Besides - are you sure that this is not just an excuse thought up by your subservient unconscious in supporting your emotions in their drive to get back in contact with this casino guy?

Be careful Bevdee! We are our own best friends but also our own worst enemies.

Talking about your cousin you said:

"... I am not having any problem being around him."

One reason that I can think of for your cousin not 'firing up your boiler' might well be that you have just seen your casino guy. Since your casino guy projects a much stronger template match than your cousin, seeing him recently has probably reduced the effect upon you of the weaker template match projected by your cousin. That's my best guess.

You said:

"It is much different when I have slept with someone. I always wondered why. Why I could stay friends with some lovers, and want to kill or hurt others. Now I have a little better understanding of myself."

Yes! Until I 'discovered' the template business, I was completely at the mercy of females who were my matches. My understanding is that after 'bedding' them, the physical skin on skin contact awakened emotional memories that opened the flood gates of the recall of infant emotional yearnings for nurture, love, protection and the intense need to feel valued by the match. Everything else such as earning etc a living paled into insignificance.

Speaking of earning a living ... ...

Catch yuh next time. 🙂

August 22, 2006
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Tez,

Good to hear from you!! (naughty OR nice)

"Apart from his pecker, are you missing him?" Yes, I really do. I miss all of him. He called today to let me know he would be in this weekend, and a warm feeling, not a hot one, stole over me. He just laughs so easily.

About the casino guy - "Besides - are you sure that this is not just an excuse thought up by your subservient unconscious in supporting your emotions in their drive to get back in contact with this casino guy?"

I am not making excuses to see him. I thought about it, but I keep remembering the letdown feeling I had after I left him. I really think it is a letdown after an adrenaline rush, and my system can't handle it too well. It just wouldn't make any sense to do it again. In other situations, I am getting better at working through my fears, stress and subsequent anger. I thought I would be able to be all cool and walk away from Kenny but I can't, I will either have sex with him, or leave him feeling depressed the way I did a week ago. When we saw each other regularly, my libido was so stoked up, I had trouble concentrating on anything else. But since I am a very nosy person, I would love to know how I am a trigger to him. Nosy, I tell you.

Here are some more layers to me. All the friggin stuff!! I pulled out of storage that I felt I needed to keep. I am idly considering therapy for my inability to throw anything away. When I moved into the friends house a year ago, I threw away junk I had been accumulating for years. Now I am opening boxes, and wondering what EVER possessed me to pack this stuff. Part of the problem is space, this is a smaller house than the townhouse I lived in before. I am like the grandmother that I look like. We have the same birthday. She was the worst hoarder in the world!! I like pretty things, and I like purple things. There has got to be some diagnosis for this state of mind!!! I am working on not feeling a wrench when I throw something that is useless to me away. I want to be free of these encumbrances. Some of these things are "sentimental", but I have to decide if the sentiment is worth hanging on to. Men are not so much this way over vases and pictures and stuff.

And my cousin? There is a shift because I quit being all helpless with him. He always offered to reach for things in high place, lift heavy things, and I never argued. He loved this little game. Even though I could, I would ask him to "figure out" the electronic things.

I will tell you what I learned from the women in my family. You will get what you want if you play up to mens' masculinity and intelligence. Look good cook good and life will be good to you. It is so old fashioned, and I rarely do it anymore, but it is always there - in me, always a part of me, and I did it with him. He fell right in, we are from the same family and generation. It is manipulative, but it works in the part of the country that I live. It is manipulative, but the men do it too, playing into the "little woman" ( he actually calls me babygirl) and I believe that it throws us right back to the patriarchal godman religion I was raised in.

But - When I told him the only help he would have is me, he just stared at me. He was a little surprised when I helped him get the fridge on the truck, lift my heavy walnut furniture, boxes of books. When we finished he looked at me, laughed and said, " you been holding out on me?" I did hold out on him. Not just him. I have always been afraid to reveal my strengths(I always kept my intelligence to myself) or weaknesses, and show my true self. This is dishonest.

Tez, I am glad things have turned out the way they have. My cousin and I are always going to be family, and I am hoping we can be comfortable with each other when situations throw us together. I hadn't seen the casino guy in a long time, and seeing him reinforced what I knew about the way he affects me. I also know that an adrenaline rush is not love, it's chemical, hormonal, but it ain't love. Obsessing and fantasizing is not love.

Next question - what is?

Question after that - How are YOU?

Bevdee

August 22, 2006
7:25 pm
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Bevdee.

Thanks for your interesting post. In it you said:

"I am idly considering therapy for my inability to throw anything away. ... ... ... I am working on not feeling a wrench when I throw something that is useless to me away. ... ... Men are not so much this way over vases and pictures and stuff."

I'm not different in this regard. Being a male, I have little interest in pictures, vases etc. However, I have a big workshop, lathe, milling machine, guillotine, folders, presses, you name it. I cannot bring myself to throw out anything. I have junk strore under benches and in every nook and cranny. Finding what I know that I have is a major problem. But that's me. In my case it comes from not having anything as a child. Every toy that I had I purchased myself by scouring the local dump for brass, copper, aluminum etc and lugging the bags full of this junk to the local scrap merchant. I'm sure the guy operating the huge weighing machine used to put his foot it to make it register enough to give me a couple of shillings. Now I cannot pass a piece of metal on the road without picking it up. 🙂 Old habits die hard.

Years ago I saw a TV series called Kung Fu. It was about a wandering Shaolin Buddhist monk who went to the USA in the days of the old west. In one episode he was wandering through the desert with only his clothes that he wore and a blanket roll. He had a little sachel that hung around his neck. In it he carried around a small rock that he had brought with him all the way from his Shaolin Temple in China. This rock had sentimental value to him. He suddenly stops walking, takes out the rock, looks at it fondly, and then throws it over a cliff to be lost forever. He then thinks out loud: "Whatever I possess, possesses me. Now I am free." I never forgot that episode. Yet I am possessed by so much attachment to people, places and things. This is what causes me so much dissatisfaction in life. Knowing this is half the battle won, I think.

You also said:

"I will tell you what I learned from the women in my family. You will get what you want if you play up to mens' masculinity and intelligence. Look good cook good and life will be good to you. It is so old fashioned, and I rarely do it anymore, but it is always there - in me, always a part of me, and I did it with him. He fell right in, we are from the same family and generation. It is manipulative, but it works in the part of the country that I live. It is manipulative, but the men do it too, playing into the "little woman" ( he actually calls me babygirl) and I believe that it throws us right back to the patriarchal godman religion I was raised in."

Yep! It is a big game that's been going on since time immemorial both sexes manipulating the other to get needs met. Yet with the divorce rate so high and so many unhappy relationships abounding, nothing is gained in the long run by manipulating others to meet our needs but dissatisfaction.

Talking about your casino man, you said:

"I also know that an adrenaline rush is not love, it's chemical, hormonal, but it ain't love."

Yes it is all those things and no it isn't love.

"Obsessing and fantasizing is not love."

No - it is in my view, nothing more than trying to satisfy deep seated emotional security needs. Once a template match like your Casino man and my Ms. Sneaky is encountered, the amygdala is triggered by the sensory input and the mind does the rest.

I saw a very interesting documentary last night. It was based upon the life of Henry(Hank)Charles Bukowski, the US poet. Bukowski said that a woman's legs entranced him. He said that he knew that at the top of them is "just a c...nt" (his words), yet there is something else "magical" there also. He went into a mesmerized state as he spoke of women's legs. I know what he means. Undoubtedly you've heard the old saying many times: "A man spends 9 months trying to get out and the rest of his life trying to get back in."

There's a hunger here that is not restricted to just sexual needs, I'm sure. Hindu's sometimes say that "women are the pathway to hell" - obviously male chauvinism mixed in with a big dose of misogyny. This is IMHO also tied up with all of this hungering for a satisfaction that is well beyond the capabilities of a woman's vagina to deliver, either heaven or hell, except for a very short deceptive and unsatisfying moment in time.

What is this satisfaction for which we yearned?? Is it cosmic connectedness?? Total and perfect security??? Freedom from fear of death??? Eternal life??? Absolute joy and happiness??? Do we hunger for unbounded, unconditional love of the type which maternal love is the closest one seems to be able to find on earth?? Is this what human sexual relationships are ultimately all about?

You then asked:

"Question after that - How are YOU?"

I'm going really well, right now. I'm working like a blue arsed fly trying to keep up with the demand for my new 'invention'. I manufacture a new type of electronic device for measuring sediment levels in wine vats, septic and other wastewater treatment systems. The local councils, training institutions and the industry throughout Australia are now buying them from my distributor. Once this device has permeated all of the local councils then the sales flow on to the industry will be automatic and exponential in nature, I believe. The Australian market is small compared to the United States. But the Australian market is a good proving ground indeed. Unfortunately I haven't got a world patent. So I doubt that I will be the one making big bucks from the device. But who cares, I'm making an honest living. Also, I will have the deep satisfaction that I made a contribution to society and to helping save the environment.

You are probably puzzled by this occupation. I started out my working life as a clerk, I joined the Royal Australian Airforce as an instrument fitter, I then went into electrical instrumentation,then business machines (main frame computer peripherals),then into industrial instrumentation in chemical plants,then into geophysical exploration electronic instrumentation, then into medical electronics in the hospitals and medical laboratories, then teaching computing, electronics and communications at Advanced Diploma level at a government funded technical institute. I gave away teaching in May 1997 to go into my own business doing consultancy work, product design and development etc. More recently I have given away this stressful work in favor of simply manufacturing my own new invention mentioned above. I am now winding my life down and simplifying it as much as I can.

My interest in psychology stems from my recovery from alcoholism 33 years ago and in AA since(though I rarely attend meetings these days). As I've said before I obtained a degree, majoring in both psychology and computer sciences, from our oldest state university graduating in 1995. I also graduated from two other colleges of advanced education in our state one with a teaching diploma in 1986 and another in 1980 with an Ass Diploma of Electrical Engineering(electronics and Communications). My trade quals go back to my air force days and just after.

That's a one dimensional, work related sketch of me. There are many other dimensions.

August 24, 2006
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Tez,

Glad to hear from you.

I had forgotten about men and their tools, nuts and bolts. Yessir that is awful, too. I always tried to stay out of the workshop.

Blue Arsed Fly? I can match this, Tez. I have been working like a borrowed mule.

You say "But that's me. In my case it comes from not having anything as a child." Now I thought you were born to some money. Maybe this is because this you seemed to have such a good education, what I consider a classic education, possibly because of the way you communicate here on the boards. Formal language?, and your knowledge.

" "Whatever I possess, possesses me. Now I am free." " I am very organised, my jewelry, my clothes, shoes, and files are all where I could stick my hand in without looking and find it. It's the decorating!! The so-called collecting!! Over the top! I threw away more stupid stuff last night.

What I am finding is the little knickknacks I bought for myself are the ones I keep. Some of these are old, vintage, or antique. For whatever reason, these items resonate in me. Some things my grandmother gave me before she died, tons of old old photos, and her mother, my great grandmother, left me some things. I can't throw them away, it seems sacreligious. Ha! I just realised what I wrote. I have dozens of old photographs I have had restored and framed. My daddy's Native American side of the family. I have all generations up to a picture of a great-great grandmother with her 5th husband!! The pictures are so cool. Some things I have to keep.

Yes, I have wondered at your "resume". Early in our conversations, you mentioned signal to noise ratio, and I knew what that meant because I am a diagnostic imager. I do MRI, CAT scan, Xray, and mammography. I left my comfort zone job last year, and had the rough time in Dallas that I told you about. I was doing MRI in a very stressful environment when I started talking to you. I have worked in diagnostic imaging for 25 years. Although I loved doing MRI and CT, loved the image acquisition and reconstruction capabilities of the newer scanners, (playing with the computers), I made the decision to leave cross-sectional/digital imaging because of the stress these corporations put on their imagers. The schedules are packed tight, because the scans are high-profit, guaranteed pay, and there is no time allotted for patient care, especially if a claustrophobic patient freaks out on the table. If a patient runs late, past their appointment time, and files complaint, a tech may get written up. There is no consideration given for the human needs of the technologist, as needing to take restroom breaks, meal breaks, and god forbid a tech get sick!!

I now do mobile xray, driving a little hatchback with a collapsible portable machine in the back, to rural nursing homes. I didn't think I would, but I really like it. I have 8 hours to complete the assignments given me each morning. If I am done by noon, I can hang out wherever I want. I am on salary. The work is easy, the hardest labor is getting the portable back up and in the hatchback. The trick there is not "bulldogging it" - but slowing down and using leverage, not burly strength. The nearest facility from the office is 22 miles - one way - some of them are 60 miles one way. Most of my day is spent driving from one facility to another, and this is the time I have for contemplation. It is best in the morning. I have learned to write on a pad I keep on the other seat, without taking my eyes off the road. Then I transcribe it on my lunch break, and this is what you get!! My bosses love me, and tell me often that I am doing a good job! This is a refreshing change from the environment I left. It is a little less money. The money was one of the reasons I stayed in the more stressful modalities as long as I did. I am learning to scale down my "needs". What I should say is "wants".

Before that I was a waitress and bartender, in high school and college. I can do those 3 things, marketably. I can do other stuff, but no one pays me for it.

My cousin, that one? He is an instrumentation tech, too. Interesting. He has worked mostly for American ompanies, overseas sometimes. He says he is part of a rare breed in the US. Is that true of instrumentation techs in Australia?

"That's a one dimensional, work related sketch of me. There are many other dimensions." I like the way you say this. The older I get, the more I realise it is impossible to pigeon-hole a person, especially by their occupation or appearance. We have many facets.

You say "There's a hunger here that is not restricted to just sexual needs,..." Yes, sometimes I think it would be nice to play helpless, and let someone take care of things for me. You know, just lay it all down and let "him" take over. Look pretty and make cakes.

I did some of this with my cousin, but I have never been able to do it completely with anyone. Sometimes the thoughts creep back that if I could just find the right man, all my problems would disappear. This is a message that pervades our culture. Fairy tales, movies, music, novels. I don't think I am unique in having these thoughts!!, but I don't believe anymore that it is true.

"What is this satisfaction for which we yearned?? Is it cosmic connectedness?? Total and perfect security??? Freedom from fear of death??? Eternal life??? Absolute joy and happiness??? Do we hunger for unbounded, unconditional love of the type which maternal love is the closest one seems to be able to find on earth?? "

Today? I would answer - the satisfaction of someone to take care of me, if I needed it. Knowing that there is one person on earth that's GOT MY BACK. So - that has described parental love that I did not get. The self-love I am striving to acheive. It also represents security to me.

"Is this what human sexual relationships are ultimately all about? " Tez, don't you think we ever just get horny? Just barnyard horny?

Bevdee

August 24, 2006
7:40 pm
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bevdee.

Thanks for your post.

In it you said:

"Now I thought you were born to some money. Maybe this is because this you seemed to have such a good education, what I consider a classic education, possibly because of the way you communicate here on the boards. Formal language?, and your knowledge."

My father was a middle class public servant who went into the news agency business. He made a lot of money and later lost it. Being raised in the great depression, my father was a very miserly person. He wouldn't even spend money on his kids' shoes. As a kid, mine had big holes in the soles for as long as I could remember. Putting cardboard inside my shoes was my trick. However, my father taught me self reliance. I left school at 15 and formally educated myself in adult life mainly part time. I don't try to write formally. It is how I have been educated and conditioned to write. Being an ex-full time teacher for 11 years and part time for a few years after that, I have developed an insight into ambiguity and the way that the written word is so easily misunderstood. I guess that makes me appear a little formal. But believe me, I have mixed it with the roughest elements and can talk like a bikie if I so choose. but that does no one any credit.

You wrote:

"I am a diagnostic imager. I do MRI, CAT scan, Xray, and mammography."

Real time Ultrasound Scanners, Gamma cameras and Cat scanners had just arrived in our hospital when I left in 1986. As I remember it MRI was in its infancy then. I was an Electronics Technician then, working mainly on hospital and the university laboratory equipment under our care. I worked in the Dept of Physical Sciences in that hospital.

And about your cuz, you said:

"He says he is part of a rare breed in the US. Is that true of instrumentation techs in Australia?"

Yes - that is why I got out of that industry. While instrumentation techs are rare, being one does have its disadvantages in that jobs are also rare and far between. Besides I hate working for a boss. When I quit teaching in 1997 I started my own business and have not looked back since.

You said:

"Sometimes the thoughts creep back that if I could just find the right man, all my problems would disappear."

It sounds to me like you have the right man already. I have the right woman for me too. My problem is keeping this in the forefront of my mind when Ms. Sneaky waggles her arse in front of me and gives me her 'come hither' look.

"Tez, don't you think we ever just get horny? Just barnyard horny?"

Yesssssss........ but, when we are barnyard horney not any ole pussy of prick will do - will it!! We want that special, template bearing sexual organ to meet our needs - don't we???

If it was just a screw that we wanted at those barnyard times then wouldn't any old rooster or hen do?

Must go - duty calls.

August 25, 2006
3:44 pm
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Tez,

I like the way you communicate, and it has caused me to try harder to be clear in what I want to convey. You are very polite! I have noticed that if I make a hash of some idea, you do ferret out the main gist of it, paraphrase but always ask if ________ is what I meant. Very polite and considerate. You are careful not to jump to conclusions. You would have been a good therapist, and must be a good teacher.

"It sounds to me like you have the right man already. I have the right woman for me too. My problem is keeping this in the forefront of my mind when Ms. Sneaky waggles her arse in front of me and gives me her 'come hither' look."

She actually wiggles that?

Even without the temptation of thoughts of Casinoman, and with the goodness of this nice man and our relationship, it will always be necessary to strive to build up my self-esteem. And my fear. I am seeing so many aspects of the PTSD, even almost 10 years later. I know it never goes away, but g**damn. Sometimes I feel so flawed and damaged, and ashamed of and overwhelmed by the flaw and damage.

When I said barnyard, that was kinda off the cuff and unclear. I did not mean the pigf**kin we have discussed, but just old animal instinct.

"Yesssssss........ but, when we are barnyard horney not any ole pussy of prick will do - will it!! We want that special, template bearing sexual organ to meet our needs - don't we???

If it was just a screw that we wanted at those barnyard times then wouldn't any old rooster or hen do?"

True - but i am wondering how it would be if I lived in a different society with different mores. Because I was taught to wait for marriage - this was a christian teaching. Intercourse before marriage, or cohabitation instead of marriage is more acceptable now. To me that is simply a case of a loosened more. What if we did not have these societal or self imposed restrictions?

Also, I can tell you 2 distinct times of the month that I am in a bad way. During ovulation, and the day after my last show of menstrual flow. I am randy as a billygoat at these times. Without fail. I believe that during ovulation, that is purely physiological. This is basically what we are born to do - reproduce.

When I was in my mid-20s, for 2 years, I lived with a man - not a template match. He told me he could tell when I was ovulating! By the way my skin smelled and tasted!! I asked him exactly which skin he meant, and he told me my lips, neck, breasts.- (not the obvious) He told me my natural smell at this time was a huge turn-on for him. I will never forget this conversation. I looked at him and said, " Like dogs"

This arousal of mine has nothing to do with template. This is purely physical, hormonal. It does subside more quickly than template triggered arousal, though. When I am with a template match those times of the month!! OhMercifulgod!!

The pituitary gland secretes the hormones that stimulate the Skene's glands, (female g-spot, and male prostate) and the Bartholins gland (secrete mucus to provide lubrication). I believe the pituitary gland may act independently of the amygdala, I also believe that when the amygdala is triggered, commands are sent to the pituitary. I can't find HOW yet, but I might, ya never know. I think it has to do with the adrenaline, and - here I go again with a longlong post - but look at this-

http://people.howstuffworks.co...../love6.htm
The Chemistry of Love
There are a lot of chemicals racing around your brain and body when you're in love. Researchers are gradually learning more and more about the roles they play both when we are falling in love and when we're in long-term relationships. Of course, estrogen and testosterone play a role in the sex drive area (see How Sex Works). Without them, we might never venture into the "real love" arena.

That initial giddiness that comes when we're first falling in love includes a racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms. Researchers say this is due to the dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine we're releasing. Dopamine is thought to be the "pleasure chemical," producing a feeling of bliss. Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement. According to Helen Fisher, anthropologist and well-known love researcher from Rutgers University, together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention. She also says, "The human body releases the cocktail of love rapture only when certain conditions are met and ... men more readily produce it than women, because of their more visual nature."

Norepinephrine. hmm.

I unpacked several boxes last night, and cleared a path on my screened in porch. I have thrown away the "stupid" stuff, and washed all the "good stuff". I feel good about it. The people that live across the street are watching avidly to see what goes to the curb. The trashman gets nothing! So it is working out ok for me, since someone is going to use my stuff.

I have gone past my hour lunch - talk to you later.

Bevdee

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